Sliced (2019–2021): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
# Oh, stop what you're doin'
Cos I'm about to ruin
# The image
and the style that you're used to
# I look funny,
but, yo, I'm making money, see?
# So, yo, world,
I hope you're ready for me
# Now, gather round
# I'm the new fool in town
# And my sound's
laid down by the Underground
# I drink up all the Hennessey you
got on your shelf
# So just let me
introduce myself... #
I'll call you back.
OK, what you need? And don't try to
sell me anything like the last time,
my wife still has rash from the fake
make-up you sell me.
Brother.
This hurts me, huh? How can you
treat a man
from your own country in this way?
You are not from my country.
How many times I tell you this?
Ach, we are citizens of the world.
Now, listen, my brother...
I'm not your brother.
Tonight is a big night for me,
tonight, OK?
Is Mario's jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-
jiggy-jiggy-jiggy time.
There are more stains on this suit
than teenage boy duvet.
What you do in it? Dogging? Right.
£10. Come back five o'clock.
£10? What, you wash away
my sins for this?
£10, man,
take that dagger out of my back.
£5, brother, £5 and I give you
free garlic bread next time
you visit for you
and the princess of Notre Dame.
How many times, I don't like garlic.
Fine. Just the bread.
You are very fussy, man.
It's not good.
Fussy men die young.
Lack of garlic.
Stay lucky, my brother.
Boy, you ran home.
I've never seen a man shit
himself like that in my life.
I didn't shit myself.
It was... The time wasn't right.
These things are complicated,
you know?
OK, go ask her out now, then,
she's just walked in.
What kinda man asks a girl
out in the morning, bruv?
I still got morning breath.
Ooh. That's worse than I thought.
Stop bein' shook, man, go and ask
her out now
or I'm going to tell everyone about
the time you did a wank with
a condom on in Year 10.
Oh! That was one time just to see
what it was like.
Don't act like you ain't done it.
Fine.
Honestly, Tiks, he's gotta work out,
you wanna see his bum, babe.
Gains.
And his voice is amazing,
so, so sexy,
I could easily wake up to a
voice like that in the mornings.
What does he do?
Well, according to his profile,
his name is Enzo.
And he's a voice-over artiste.
But with an arse like that,
he could be a personal trainer
or a model or something.
Oh, make sure you shave that sheep,
babe.
Did you just tell me to
make sure I shave my sheep?
You're nasty,
but I might have to borrow
my dad's triple action,
it's been so long.
Where's he taking you, babe?
Well, I believe he's taking me
to dinner uptown at seven.
Bruv, she's already got a date
with an arse artiste
and she's gonna shave her
whatshername for him
and then he's gonna take her "up"
somewhere at seven. What?
I just heard her on the phone
talking about how fit
his bum hair is
and how she's gotta shave her bum
hair to match his bum hair.
Fuck! Wow. That is a lot of bum
chat.
You sure it's a date?
Yes, it's a date.
OK, this is what you gotta do.
I'm not shaving my bum hair for no
girl, innit?
How can you even
shave your bum hair?
How do you shave your...?
Why would you want to
shave your bum hair, man?
Stop the scratchy, big man, yeah?
Calm yourself.
Now, she's going on a date, yeah?
Yeah.
So what WE do is get you a girl to
go on a date with
that is penger than what she is.
You're welcome.
How does that help me?
Because you can go to the
same restaurant
and get her jealous, mate. Exactly.
Yes. Yo, Pops, OAP discount
only on Thursdays.
Go 'spoons, innit.
Um, no, Ricky, this is Scott...
Scott, Ricky.
Scott's the one that was gonna
top himself the other day.
Top himself? Scott, what are you
doing here, mate?
Joshua, you know you said that
boredom leads to loneliness
and that loneliness
leads to depression,
and if ever I was feeling bored,
I should come and see you?
Oh, you're not depressed, are you?
No. I'm just bored.
Listen, I've been thinking,
delving into my psyche,
and you know what I've discovered?
What? A great idea for a new pizza.
You get your pizza,
you slice it into four.
Bosh, mushrooms.
Next quarter, bosh, salami,
next quarter, bosh, olives,
next quarter bosh, artichokes,
next quarter, bosh, bacon...
Brother, that's five quarters.
I'm still working on it.
Anyway, the name of it.
Four seasons? How'd you know that?
It's been done, blud.
Oh, dear.
That has depressed me.
No, no, no, no. Don't be depressed.
Don't be depressed, it's OK.
I've got another one.
OK. You know that really boring
thing that goes round
the outside of the pizza?
The crust, bruv.
That's the one.
Fill it with cheese.
Bosh. You've stuffed your crust.
It's a winner.
Wait till the big boys
hear about this.
Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha...
Ha-ha, yeah, yeah,
we can work on that one.
Never mind that,
let's talk about this girl.
You got anyone you can take out?
Not as such.
What about Kemi?
Kemi? Nah, she smokes too much weed.
Her lips look like bum holes.
Kelly?
Nah, she got married to
Michael the Prick.
Michael the Prick? Yeah.
Michael's a prick.
Danielle.
Bruv, Danielle's in prison.
Life means life.
How is there no-one, man?
Hey, hey, hey, eczema.
Look, Josh, you go undercover,
find out about Naomi's date,
get the intel on where she's going
and all that,
then, gas up your date to her
so she don't think you're jealous.
Do that Queer Eye thing where
she thinks you're into, like,
clothes and feelings and shit.
Meantime, yeah,
I'm gonna sort you out with a
proper penga lenga dater...later.
Nah, that's a bare extra,
I don't think I should just do...
Bruv, bruv, bruv...
I've got this.
When...
..have...
..I...
..ever...
..let...
..you...
..down?
Quite a lot, from what Joshua said.
What?
He's joking.
Joker.
What about the fidget spinners?
You really let him down with that.
# Girl, you're the baddest
# No need to practise... #
Yeah, what you saying, princess?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm cool.
Um, quick one.
I've been trying to find a date
for my boy, Joshua, tonight.
Now, I know you've gone Christian
and all that now, yeah,
but seeing as you ain't been dipped
in the water yet, do you...?
Hello?
Fuck!
You nearly burnt off my eyebrows,
man.
It's fine, you can't see white
people eyebrow, anyway!
Why you huff-puff, sexy fuck man?
Nah, it's all good, I'm fine.
You don't sound fine.
"Hello, unsuitable girl,
"I'm trying to find date
"for my hopeless fat friend...
Hello?"
Shut up, don't lie to me,
motherfucker sexy man.
Can you not say those words, please?
OK, listen, I can help
you find date for fat man
with my beautiful friend
and I get you very good price.
Special deal. OK?
Special deal?
What is she, like, an escort?
How fucking dare you?
She is not escort,
she is high-class "companion"
for stressed high-net-worth
individuals
who don't have time in their busy
schedule
for period of ultimate relaxation.
So, big fucking difference.
It's the same thing!
Bruv, look at us.
Do we look like the kind
of men that'd pay for sex?
Smell it. Eurgh!
You obviously have better idea?
Yes, please.
Yes? Fine...
..but how are we gonna pay for it?
Oh, you no' have money for this?
Oh, that is not good.
In fact, that is opposite of good.
Yeah...
..unless... What?
I take care of girl for Joshua,
and you take me on date, yes,
please? Nooo!
No, no, listen, I would,
yeah, but...
OK, good luck, Milky Bar Kid.
All right.
But you can't tell Joshua, yeah?
He gets funny about things
like that.
Don't worry, your secret is
locked in here,
and tonight, so is your face...
..and your balls.
MOPED REVS
So, what, you got like a
proper blind date, yeah?
That's quite cool.
Do you know what you're wearing?
Well, it's a really bougie place,
so I'm thinking something really
proper dressy rather than casual,
so classy, yet sassy.
Babe, take it from me,
when in doubt, bash 'em up,
get 'em out.
Hey, Joshua. Yes, yes, Ramos,
my guy, yeah,
but I got to sort out what I'm
wearing for my date ting, innit?
What? Joshua, you've got a date?
Bitch, what did you think this was?
Of course I've got a date, yeah,
I've been working on this for time.
All right, Joshua. Amrit, my guy.
Gym, yeah, gym, yeah, gym, gains,
yeah.
Wow, well, that's good for you.
I'm jealous.
Are you? No, not at all.
Are you excited? Is she hot?
Bitch, she is beg you. Xxxx
Is she hotter than me?
No. Yeah. Hotter.
Not hot, you're hot, I just think
she's hotter, not hotter...
Hey, hey, hey! The only thing that
should be hot
is the fuckin' pizzas, yeah?
Come on, let's go.
Yalla, back to work.
Hey, you guys, did you know that
Joshua's got a hot date tonight?
Yeah, I heard that Joshyburger got
hot date with
beautiful lady tonight.
Excuse me, fucking please? Tonight?
You got date tonight?
Not tonight. Tonight, you have extra
shift, that's what you have.
Both of you. What happened to Brian?
Yes. Brian.
He's a fucking madman.
He's loop the fuckin' loop.
I caught him stealing pepperoni.
Again.
But Brian's a vegan, though, innit?
That's how fucking sick this guy is.
Sick fucking pepperoni-stealing
bastard.
So, you two, Laurel and bloody
Hardy, OK,
are in charge of kitchen tonight.
No, no, no, but, but, but...
"But, but, but, but!"
You're like a fucking white girl
volleyball team.
No fucking buts!
HE SNEEZES
Fuck! No fucking buts.
Come on, Pumba, back to work, OK.
Let's go. Yalla, yalla, yalla.
Fucking dickhead.
I'm not working tonight.
I swear down, I'm not working.
You're going to have to take this
one for me, man.
I can't, bruv.
Why?
Because I've got a date as well.
What?!
With who? You ain't been
lipsing your cousin again?
No, man, and she's not my cousin.
She's a friend of the family.
And, no, not her.
Then who, bruv?
Naheema. Whoa!
Why? Don't ask questions, man,
sometimes you just gotta do
the right thing,
and trust,
I'm doing the right thing.
We just need someone to
run the oven. Who, though?
You guys ever
thought about putting pineapple
and ham TOGETHER on a pizza?
No. I don't think you have,
have you?
HE SNEEZES
Hey, bossman, little birdy told me
you gonna get lucky tonight, right?
How you know this?
What's this you takin', baby boy?
No, no, no, baby.
This is not good for you.
You know, I have something
that might make you feeling much
better.
In my country, we call this...
SHE SPEAKS ARABIC
..which translate to
"gentleman downstair tablet."
Take one of these before your date,
and it diverts the energy of the
sneeze,
atchoo, to the
downstair area, hoochar!
OK, so it turns
the power of the atchoo
and turns it into the power of the
downstairs hoochar?
Mm. I like it very much.
Not that Mario needs it,
but I need to get rid of this
buttfucking cold.
Fuck.
Take this.
You no' have no cold, five year.
Guaranteed.
No!
Take just before your date
for maximum downstair power.
Hoochar!
Yes...
..hoochar!
Oh-ho-ho!
Right. You sure you're up for this,
yeah? Oh, yeah.
I used to cook in the army.
Did you? OK.
Yeah. Salvation Army.
OK, look, remember, it only needs to
be in there for six minutes.
So technically nine minutes.
What?
Well, I mean, like me, most
people like their crust a bit burned
so you got to put it in for
a couple more minutes.
How do you turn this up?
Brother, we're fucked.
No, no, no, we're not.
No, we're not.
Scott, six minutes
and take it out, OK?
Suit yourself.
Right, we should be back by 11.
Any problems, ring me,
yeah? Right, cool.
Piece of piss, this.
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Sliced Pizza.
Gotcha.
And would you like that well done?
Safe.
How you doin'?
Ain't you...?
Yeah. Right. Ha-ha.
I'm not on First Dates, am I?
No.
So what are you doing here, then?
Think about it.
First Dates is only an hour a week.
I've got to do something with
the rest of my time, right?
Fair... Fair.
Can I get a water?
Fat Black Joshua?
Hey.
You all right?
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Champagne. Ah.
Glass of Champagne.
Bottle. Ooh! Expensive.
THEY MOUTH
CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS
Sorry, darling,
I'm waiting for somebody.
Naomi...
I am Enzo.
Welcome to me.
My friend, can you bring us
a bottle
of your most exquisite and expensive
shom-pon-yay?
Certainly, sir.
Grazie mille.
Well, I must say, Naomi, you are
even more beautiful in real life.
Yo, boss. What is this?
Why is it bleeding?
Nah, nah, take this back into the
kitchen, turn the flame on, burn it.
Burn it. I want it burnt.
Um, can I just get a tap
water, please? Oh, with a lemon.
No.
You give him Stella.
I will also have Stella.
Two pints. Each. OK? Go.
Er, I don't really drink beer.
Well, I am not cheap date.
And only pussy boys
drink tap water.
Listen, on this date, I am in
charge.
I will order food and you will enjoy
while I feeding you.
And then I will pat your back as we
kiss
and then you burp in my mouth.
Champagne.
Ooh!
Oh, actually, doesn't even matter.
Not a single one of these
pictures is you.
Uh-uh!
They absolutely are me, Naomi.
Without a shadow of a shadow
of a shadow of a doubt.
How can they be you?
They don't even look like you.
Look, this guy's got hair.
What you got?
That's me. When I had hair.
I'm still the same person inside,
Naomi.
What? Why would you lie?
I categorically did not lie.
What do you mean...
IMITATES HER DATE: ..you
categorically did not lie?
Those pictures are me.
Yeah, you, like, 20 years ago.
Uh-uh!
18-and-a-half years ago, actually.
And whilst we're on the subject,
why did you lie?
Tell me when I lied?
Uh... Uh...
"I ain't one of those shallow girls,
"I ain't about that
superficial life,
"#FakeWoke, #BeReal."
Not shallow at all, eh?
Look, I'm going to be
straight with you, yeah?
This is hard cos you're
not even talking, bruv.
Talk...
Talk.
What do you want to talk about?
Comparative analysis of Russian
literature in the late 19th century?
Or maybe European fiscal
policy post 1990?
What do you want to talk about,
fat boy?
Do you...
..like...
..salt?
Bellisima! Bellisima.
Perfecto. Huh?
What's it called?
The Five Seasons.
What about the crust? Scorchio.
Yes. Burned and cheesy.
Very tasty.
Great name for new pizza, no?
I like it.
Faster. Come on, come on, come on.
In my country,
we always do this on first date.
It separate man from boy.
HE CHOKES
What? I'm shallow
because I'm not having this?
Some nasty 50-year-old baldhead man
trying to move to me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Language!
Very unladylike, Naomi.
SHE STUTTERS
And I thought that you were in
possession of a modicum of decorum.
What are you talking about?
And what's with the fucking voice?
Ugh!
What fucking voice?
This not date, pork chop.
Why you think this date? Not date.
Favour for a friend.
You cannot afford me for date.
Afford you?
Wait...
WHISPERS: ..are you an escort?
Escort?! How fucking dare you?!
Stop shouting, stop shouting.
I am a high-class companion
for stressed high-net-worth
individuals who do not have
time in their busy schedule
for period of ultimate relaxation.
Not for fat boy who drink water
and...scratchy eczema face.
Is it all right if
I go to the toilet?
I'm going to go to the toilet.
GLASS CLATTERS
Idiot. Idiot.
Ah, she is beautiful and to
have the love of a beautiful woman
is something so special in life
and one that I fully deserve.
Look at this.
Huh?
She is a real beauty.
Oh, that is a woman right there.
Tell you what,
if I was a few years younger,
I'd be fighting you for her.
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
You will try, but you will lose.
Badly.
I'm going to call.
LINE RINGS
Yes? Ciao, bella!
It's me. It's-a Mario.
Who? Mario.
No. I don't know who you are.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
You sexy little joker.
Ha-ha-ha. It's me, it's Mario.
The man in the white suit.
No. I do remember you.
You filthy white suit man who
cannot get erection, then cries,
then asks for discount.
CALL DISCONNECTS
I love it when you talk like
this to me, it's very sexy,
it make me very boner in me.
Right. OK. I will see you later.
Thank you. Bye.
She is one ferocious
jester of a woman.
Unbelievable.
Hey! Hi.
How's your date going?
What? My date?
Yeah, good. Really good.
Couldn't be... Couldn't be
any better. What about you?
Me? Proper. Yeah, yeah.
It's-it's-it's nice.
It couldn't...
couldn't be going any better.
It's not, is it?
No. It's horrible.
Me too.
Shall we do a runner?
Yes, please.
DOOR OPENS
Nope. Uh-uh. No. No way. Uh-uh.
Come on!
Look at the crust on that. Cheese!
This could be the best night ever.
All right, mate. Can I have a feast?
Meat feast?
Oh, meat.
I'll get this one in the oven now.
Do you like it a bit burnt?
Everybody wants them
burnt these days.
Get going! Go, go, go!
Go on, quickly, get that one out.
Chop, chop.
Lovely.
Hi, good evening. You look amazing.
I'm not gay.
I never said you were. OK. Sorry.
When you are this good looking,
everybody wants a piece of you.
Please, start again.
Hi, good evening, you look amazing.
I know. Calm down.
Show me that champagne list.
Hoochar!
You have to be the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen in my life.
Mind if I join you?
I give you five minutes.
Russian, eh?
IN RUSSIAN:
I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a sucker
for 19th-century Russian literature.
Melania. Ciao, bella.
Oh, no.
For you, my love.
I told agency to never
book you in again.
It's funny.
Very good joke.
OK, baldy-baldy.
Your time is up.
It's time for the real man
to take his place.
No. You, go.
Yes. You, go.
No, you go.
No, you go.
No, you go.
No, you to the go.
No, you go!
No, you go!
LOUDER: No, you go!
LOUDER STILL: No, you go to the...
the fuck...
SHOUTS: No! You go!
HE GRUNTS
Jesus Christ.
Please, don't hit me, there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
I have a pregnant wife
and a young family, please.
I'm colour-blind in one eye,
this one.
Very painful from time to time.
I have an overall
calcium deficiency.
I've got brittle bones!
STOMACH GURGLES, HE WHIMPERS
Hoochar!
Bruv, what the...?
Scott?
Scott? Scott...
Oh, my God.
Scott!
Scott? Scott, wake up, mate.
Scott!
Bruv, I...I think he's dead.
He's not dead. He's drunk.
He stinks.
Scott? Scott, are you drunk?
Scott, are you drunk, mate?
Scott, have you had a drink? Scott?
I might have had a drink,
but I am not drunk
and I will fight any man
or child that says I am.
HE BURPS
Apologies.
Pineapple.
So we ain't been robbed. What the
hell happened to this place, man?
Joshua, you cannot make an omelette
without breaking some fucking
eggs...
..know what I mean?
Ratty-bumbaclarty,
look at all this money, bruv!
Where is this from?
Rick-acky, I told you.
Five Seasons is a fucking winner.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
HE BURPS
Apologies.
Ham.
We got the pedo.
BOTH: We got the P-dough!
We got the P-dough!
We got the P-dough!
We got the P-dough!
What, paedo, yeah?
No. No, no, no, bruv, no.
SQUELCHING
Don't you say a fuckin' word,
you fuckin' fucks!
SCOTT BURPS
Hello, Scott.
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
I'm just looking for a freak
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
# Someone who likes tasty meat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
I'm just looking for a freak
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Someone who likes tasty meat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Say nada
Alley-oop... #
Cos I'm about to ruin
# The image
and the style that you're used to
# I look funny,
but, yo, I'm making money, see?
# So, yo, world,
I hope you're ready for me
# Now, gather round
# I'm the new fool in town
# And my sound's
laid down by the Underground
# I drink up all the Hennessey you
got on your shelf
# So just let me
introduce myself... #
I'll call you back.
OK, what you need? And don't try to
sell me anything like the last time,
my wife still has rash from the fake
make-up you sell me.
Brother.
This hurts me, huh? How can you
treat a man
from your own country in this way?
You are not from my country.
How many times I tell you this?
Ach, we are citizens of the world.
Now, listen, my brother...
I'm not your brother.
Tonight is a big night for me,
tonight, OK?
Is Mario's jiggy-jiggy-jiggy-
jiggy-jiggy-jiggy time.
There are more stains on this suit
than teenage boy duvet.
What you do in it? Dogging? Right.
£10. Come back five o'clock.
£10? What, you wash away
my sins for this?
£10, man,
take that dagger out of my back.
£5, brother, £5 and I give you
free garlic bread next time
you visit for you
and the princess of Notre Dame.
How many times, I don't like garlic.
Fine. Just the bread.
You are very fussy, man.
It's not good.
Fussy men die young.
Lack of garlic.
Stay lucky, my brother.
Boy, you ran home.
I've never seen a man shit
himself like that in my life.
I didn't shit myself.
It was... The time wasn't right.
These things are complicated,
you know?
OK, go ask her out now, then,
she's just walked in.
What kinda man asks a girl
out in the morning, bruv?
I still got morning breath.
Ooh. That's worse than I thought.
Stop bein' shook, man, go and ask
her out now
or I'm going to tell everyone about
the time you did a wank with
a condom on in Year 10.
Oh! That was one time just to see
what it was like.
Don't act like you ain't done it.
Fine.
Honestly, Tiks, he's gotta work out,
you wanna see his bum, babe.
Gains.
And his voice is amazing,
so, so sexy,
I could easily wake up to a
voice like that in the mornings.
What does he do?
Well, according to his profile,
his name is Enzo.
And he's a voice-over artiste.
But with an arse like that,
he could be a personal trainer
or a model or something.
Oh, make sure you shave that sheep,
babe.
Did you just tell me to
make sure I shave my sheep?
You're nasty,
but I might have to borrow
my dad's triple action,
it's been so long.
Where's he taking you, babe?
Well, I believe he's taking me
to dinner uptown at seven.
Bruv, she's already got a date
with an arse artiste
and she's gonna shave her
whatshername for him
and then he's gonna take her "up"
somewhere at seven. What?
I just heard her on the phone
talking about how fit
his bum hair is
and how she's gotta shave her bum
hair to match his bum hair.
Fuck! Wow. That is a lot of bum
chat.
You sure it's a date?
Yes, it's a date.
OK, this is what you gotta do.
I'm not shaving my bum hair for no
girl, innit?
How can you even
shave your bum hair?
How do you shave your...?
Why would you want to
shave your bum hair, man?
Stop the scratchy, big man, yeah?
Calm yourself.
Now, she's going on a date, yeah?
Yeah.
So what WE do is get you a girl to
go on a date with
that is penger than what she is.
You're welcome.
How does that help me?
Because you can go to the
same restaurant
and get her jealous, mate. Exactly.
Yes. Yo, Pops, OAP discount
only on Thursdays.
Go 'spoons, innit.
Um, no, Ricky, this is Scott...
Scott, Ricky.
Scott's the one that was gonna
top himself the other day.
Top himself? Scott, what are you
doing here, mate?
Joshua, you know you said that
boredom leads to loneliness
and that loneliness
leads to depression,
and if ever I was feeling bored,
I should come and see you?
Oh, you're not depressed, are you?
No. I'm just bored.
Listen, I've been thinking,
delving into my psyche,
and you know what I've discovered?
What? A great idea for a new pizza.
You get your pizza,
you slice it into four.
Bosh, mushrooms.
Next quarter, bosh, salami,
next quarter, bosh, olives,
next quarter bosh, artichokes,
next quarter, bosh, bacon...
Brother, that's five quarters.
I'm still working on it.
Anyway, the name of it.
Four seasons? How'd you know that?
It's been done, blud.
Oh, dear.
That has depressed me.
No, no, no, no. Don't be depressed.
Don't be depressed, it's OK.
I've got another one.
OK. You know that really boring
thing that goes round
the outside of the pizza?
The crust, bruv.
That's the one.
Fill it with cheese.
Bosh. You've stuffed your crust.
It's a winner.
Wait till the big boys
hear about this.
Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha...
Ha-ha, yeah, yeah,
we can work on that one.
Never mind that,
let's talk about this girl.
You got anyone you can take out?
Not as such.
What about Kemi?
Kemi? Nah, she smokes too much weed.
Her lips look like bum holes.
Kelly?
Nah, she got married to
Michael the Prick.
Michael the Prick? Yeah.
Michael's a prick.
Danielle.
Bruv, Danielle's in prison.
Life means life.
How is there no-one, man?
Hey, hey, hey, eczema.
Look, Josh, you go undercover,
find out about Naomi's date,
get the intel on where she's going
and all that,
then, gas up your date to her
so she don't think you're jealous.
Do that Queer Eye thing where
she thinks you're into, like,
clothes and feelings and shit.
Meantime, yeah,
I'm gonna sort you out with a
proper penga lenga dater...later.
Nah, that's a bare extra,
I don't think I should just do...
Bruv, bruv, bruv...
I've got this.
When...
..have...
..I...
..ever...
..let...
..you...
..down?
Quite a lot, from what Joshua said.
What?
He's joking.
Joker.
What about the fidget spinners?
You really let him down with that.
# Girl, you're the baddest
# No need to practise... #
Yeah, what you saying, princess?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm cool.
Um, quick one.
I've been trying to find a date
for my boy, Joshua, tonight.
Now, I know you've gone Christian
and all that now, yeah,
but seeing as you ain't been dipped
in the water yet, do you...?
Hello?
Fuck!
You nearly burnt off my eyebrows,
man.
It's fine, you can't see white
people eyebrow, anyway!
Why you huff-puff, sexy fuck man?
Nah, it's all good, I'm fine.
You don't sound fine.
"Hello, unsuitable girl,
"I'm trying to find date
"for my hopeless fat friend...
Hello?"
Shut up, don't lie to me,
motherfucker sexy man.
Can you not say those words, please?
OK, listen, I can help
you find date for fat man
with my beautiful friend
and I get you very good price.
Special deal. OK?
Special deal?
What is she, like, an escort?
How fucking dare you?
She is not escort,
she is high-class "companion"
for stressed high-net-worth
individuals
who don't have time in their busy
schedule
for period of ultimate relaxation.
So, big fucking difference.
It's the same thing!
Bruv, look at us.
Do we look like the kind
of men that'd pay for sex?
Smell it. Eurgh!
You obviously have better idea?
Yes, please.
Yes? Fine...
..but how are we gonna pay for it?
Oh, you no' have money for this?
Oh, that is not good.
In fact, that is opposite of good.
Yeah...
..unless... What?
I take care of girl for Joshua,
and you take me on date, yes,
please? Nooo!
No, no, listen, I would,
yeah, but...
OK, good luck, Milky Bar Kid.
All right.
But you can't tell Joshua, yeah?
He gets funny about things
like that.
Don't worry, your secret is
locked in here,
and tonight, so is your face...
..and your balls.
MOPED REVS
So, what, you got like a
proper blind date, yeah?
That's quite cool.
Do you know what you're wearing?
Well, it's a really bougie place,
so I'm thinking something really
proper dressy rather than casual,
so classy, yet sassy.
Babe, take it from me,
when in doubt, bash 'em up,
get 'em out.
Hey, Joshua. Yes, yes, Ramos,
my guy, yeah,
but I got to sort out what I'm
wearing for my date ting, innit?
What? Joshua, you've got a date?
Bitch, what did you think this was?
Of course I've got a date, yeah,
I've been working on this for time.
All right, Joshua. Amrit, my guy.
Gym, yeah, gym, yeah, gym, gains,
yeah.
Wow, well, that's good for you.
I'm jealous.
Are you? No, not at all.
Are you excited? Is she hot?
Bitch, she is beg you. Xxxx
Is she hotter than me?
No. Yeah. Hotter.
Not hot, you're hot, I just think
she's hotter, not hotter...
Hey, hey, hey! The only thing that
should be hot
is the fuckin' pizzas, yeah?
Come on, let's go.
Yalla, back to work.
Hey, you guys, did you know that
Joshua's got a hot date tonight?
Yeah, I heard that Joshyburger got
hot date with
beautiful lady tonight.
Excuse me, fucking please? Tonight?
You got date tonight?
Not tonight. Tonight, you have extra
shift, that's what you have.
Both of you. What happened to Brian?
Yes. Brian.
He's a fucking madman.
He's loop the fuckin' loop.
I caught him stealing pepperoni.
Again.
But Brian's a vegan, though, innit?
That's how fucking sick this guy is.
Sick fucking pepperoni-stealing
bastard.
So, you two, Laurel and bloody
Hardy, OK,
are in charge of kitchen tonight.
No, no, no, but, but, but...
"But, but, but, but!"
You're like a fucking white girl
volleyball team.
No fucking buts!
HE SNEEZES
Fuck! No fucking buts.
Come on, Pumba, back to work, OK.
Let's go. Yalla, yalla, yalla.
Fucking dickhead.
I'm not working tonight.
I swear down, I'm not working.
You're going to have to take this
one for me, man.
I can't, bruv.
Why?
Because I've got a date as well.
What?!
With who? You ain't been
lipsing your cousin again?
No, man, and she's not my cousin.
She's a friend of the family.
And, no, not her.
Then who, bruv?
Naheema. Whoa!
Why? Don't ask questions, man,
sometimes you just gotta do
the right thing,
and trust,
I'm doing the right thing.
We just need someone to
run the oven. Who, though?
You guys ever
thought about putting pineapple
and ham TOGETHER on a pizza?
No. I don't think you have,
have you?
HE SNEEZES
Hey, bossman, little birdy told me
you gonna get lucky tonight, right?
How you know this?
What's this you takin', baby boy?
No, no, no, baby.
This is not good for you.
You know, I have something
that might make you feeling much
better.
In my country, we call this...
SHE SPEAKS ARABIC
..which translate to
"gentleman downstair tablet."
Take one of these before your date,
and it diverts the energy of the
sneeze,
atchoo, to the
downstair area, hoochar!
OK, so it turns
the power of the atchoo
and turns it into the power of the
downstairs hoochar?
Mm. I like it very much.
Not that Mario needs it,
but I need to get rid of this
buttfucking cold.
Fuck.
Take this.
You no' have no cold, five year.
Guaranteed.
No!
Take just before your date
for maximum downstair power.
Hoochar!
Yes...
..hoochar!
Oh-ho-ho!
Right. You sure you're up for this,
yeah? Oh, yeah.
I used to cook in the army.
Did you? OK.
Yeah. Salvation Army.
OK, look, remember, it only needs to
be in there for six minutes.
So technically nine minutes.
What?
Well, I mean, like me, most
people like their crust a bit burned
so you got to put it in for
a couple more minutes.
How do you turn this up?
Brother, we're fucked.
No, no, no, we're not.
No, we're not.
Scott, six minutes
and take it out, OK?
Suit yourself.
Right, we should be back by 11.
Any problems, ring me,
yeah? Right, cool.
Piece of piss, this.
PHONE RINGS
Hello. Sliced Pizza.
Gotcha.
And would you like that well done?
Safe.
How you doin'?
Ain't you...?
Yeah. Right. Ha-ha.
I'm not on First Dates, am I?
No.
So what are you doing here, then?
Think about it.
First Dates is only an hour a week.
I've got to do something with
the rest of my time, right?
Fair... Fair.
Can I get a water?
Fat Black Joshua?
Hey.
You all right?
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Champagne. Ah.
Glass of Champagne.
Bottle. Ooh! Expensive.
THEY MOUTH
CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS
Sorry, darling,
I'm waiting for somebody.
Naomi...
I am Enzo.
Welcome to me.
My friend, can you bring us
a bottle
of your most exquisite and expensive
shom-pon-yay?
Certainly, sir.
Grazie mille.
Well, I must say, Naomi, you are
even more beautiful in real life.
Yo, boss. What is this?
Why is it bleeding?
Nah, nah, take this back into the
kitchen, turn the flame on, burn it.
Burn it. I want it burnt.
Um, can I just get a tap
water, please? Oh, with a lemon.
No.
You give him Stella.
I will also have Stella.
Two pints. Each. OK? Go.
Er, I don't really drink beer.
Well, I am not cheap date.
And only pussy boys
drink tap water.
Listen, on this date, I am in
charge.
I will order food and you will enjoy
while I feeding you.
And then I will pat your back as we
kiss
and then you burp in my mouth.
Champagne.
Ooh!
Oh, actually, doesn't even matter.
Not a single one of these
pictures is you.
Uh-uh!
They absolutely are me, Naomi.
Without a shadow of a shadow
of a shadow of a doubt.
How can they be you?
They don't even look like you.
Look, this guy's got hair.
What you got?
That's me. When I had hair.
I'm still the same person inside,
Naomi.
What? Why would you lie?
I categorically did not lie.
What do you mean...
IMITATES HER DATE: ..you
categorically did not lie?
Those pictures are me.
Yeah, you, like, 20 years ago.
Uh-uh!
18-and-a-half years ago, actually.
And whilst we're on the subject,
why did you lie?
Tell me when I lied?
Uh... Uh...
"I ain't one of those shallow girls,
"I ain't about that
superficial life,
"#FakeWoke, #BeReal."
Not shallow at all, eh?
Look, I'm going to be
straight with you, yeah?
This is hard cos you're
not even talking, bruv.
Talk...
Talk.
What do you want to talk about?
Comparative analysis of Russian
literature in the late 19th century?
Or maybe European fiscal
policy post 1990?
What do you want to talk about,
fat boy?
Do you...
..like...
..salt?
Bellisima! Bellisima.
Perfecto. Huh?
What's it called?
The Five Seasons.
What about the crust? Scorchio.
Yes. Burned and cheesy.
Very tasty.
Great name for new pizza, no?
I like it.
Faster. Come on, come on, come on.
In my country,
we always do this on first date.
It separate man from boy.
HE CHOKES
What? I'm shallow
because I'm not having this?
Some nasty 50-year-old baldhead man
trying to move to me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Language!
Very unladylike, Naomi.
SHE STUTTERS
And I thought that you were in
possession of a modicum of decorum.
What are you talking about?
And what's with the fucking voice?
Ugh!
What fucking voice?
This not date, pork chop.
Why you think this date? Not date.
Favour for a friend.
You cannot afford me for date.
Afford you?
Wait...
WHISPERS: ..are you an escort?
Escort?! How fucking dare you?!
Stop shouting, stop shouting.
I am a high-class companion
for stressed high-net-worth
individuals who do not have
time in their busy schedule
for period of ultimate relaxation.
Not for fat boy who drink water
and...scratchy eczema face.
Is it all right if
I go to the toilet?
I'm going to go to the toilet.
GLASS CLATTERS
Idiot. Idiot.
Ah, she is beautiful and to
have the love of a beautiful woman
is something so special in life
and one that I fully deserve.
Look at this.
Huh?
She is a real beauty.
Oh, that is a woman right there.
Tell you what,
if I was a few years younger,
I'd be fighting you for her.
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
You will try, but you will lose.
Badly.
I'm going to call.
LINE RINGS
Yes? Ciao, bella!
It's me. It's-a Mario.
Who? Mario.
No. I don't know who you are.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
You sexy little joker.
Ha-ha-ha. It's me, it's Mario.
The man in the white suit.
No. I do remember you.
You filthy white suit man who
cannot get erection, then cries,
then asks for discount.
CALL DISCONNECTS
I love it when you talk like
this to me, it's very sexy,
it make me very boner in me.
Right. OK. I will see you later.
Thank you. Bye.
She is one ferocious
jester of a woman.
Unbelievable.
Hey! Hi.
How's your date going?
What? My date?
Yeah, good. Really good.
Couldn't be... Couldn't be
any better. What about you?
Me? Proper. Yeah, yeah.
It's-it's-it's nice.
It couldn't...
couldn't be going any better.
It's not, is it?
No. It's horrible.
Me too.
Shall we do a runner?
Yes, please.
DOOR OPENS
Nope. Uh-uh. No. No way. Uh-uh.
Come on!
Look at the crust on that. Cheese!
This could be the best night ever.
All right, mate. Can I have a feast?
Meat feast?
Oh, meat.
I'll get this one in the oven now.
Do you like it a bit burnt?
Everybody wants them
burnt these days.
Get going! Go, go, go!
Go on, quickly, get that one out.
Chop, chop.
Lovely.
Hi, good evening. You look amazing.
I'm not gay.
I never said you were. OK. Sorry.
When you are this good looking,
everybody wants a piece of you.
Please, start again.
Hi, good evening, you look amazing.
I know. Calm down.
Show me that champagne list.
Hoochar!
You have to be the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen in my life.
Mind if I join you?
I give you five minutes.
Russian, eh?
IN RUSSIAN:
I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a sucker
for 19th-century Russian literature.
Melania. Ciao, bella.
Oh, no.
For you, my love.
I told agency to never
book you in again.
It's funny.
Very good joke.
OK, baldy-baldy.
Your time is up.
It's time for the real man
to take his place.
No. You, go.
Yes. You, go.
No, you go.
No, you go.
No, you go.
No, you to the go.
No, you go!
No, you go!
LOUDER: No, you go!
LOUDER STILL: No, you go to the...
the fuck...
SHOUTS: No! You go!
HE GRUNTS
Jesus Christ.
Please, don't hit me, there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
I have a pregnant wife
and a young family, please.
I'm colour-blind in one eye,
this one.
Very painful from time to time.
I have an overall
calcium deficiency.
I've got brittle bones!
STOMACH GURGLES, HE WHIMPERS
Hoochar!
Bruv, what the...?
Scott?
Scott? Scott...
Oh, my God.
Scott!
Scott? Scott, wake up, mate.
Scott!
Bruv, I...I think he's dead.
He's not dead. He's drunk.
He stinks.
Scott? Scott, are you drunk?
Scott, are you drunk, mate?
Scott, have you had a drink? Scott?
I might have had a drink,
but I am not drunk
and I will fight any man
or child that says I am.
HE BURPS
Apologies.
Pineapple.
So we ain't been robbed. What the
hell happened to this place, man?
Joshua, you cannot make an omelette
without breaking some fucking
eggs...
..know what I mean?
Ratty-bumbaclarty,
look at all this money, bruv!
Where is this from?
Rick-acky, I told you.
Five Seasons is a fucking winner.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
HE BURPS
Apologies.
Ham.
We got the pedo.
BOTH: We got the P-dough!
We got the P-dough!
We got the P-dough!
We got the P-dough!
What, paedo, yeah?
No. No, no, no, bruv, no.
SQUELCHING
Don't you say a fuckin' word,
you fuckin' fucks!
SCOTT BURPS
Hello, Scott.
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
I'm just looking for a freak
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
# Someone who likes tasty meat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
Na-na-na-na, na-na
# Say nada
I'm just looking for a freak
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Someone who likes tasty meat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
# Say nada
Alley-oop... #