Skins (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 3 - Mini - full transcript

It's probably good nothing happened
between us.

Yoohoo, I can't tell you where you
can or can't be, can I?

No, you can't.

If she wants to stay and chat
with inbreds and lesbos...

Hang on a fucking minute!

Fuck off back to Valhalla, weirdo...
Pussy.

You're full of shit, Rich, you're
just scared!

Man the fuck up!

F- R-E-A-K, now what does that spell?

Let me see... Oh, yeah, you!

Now get the fuck out of my party.



It Must Be True Love

Whoa! All right!

Yeah! Oh, no, we're gonna get fast!

Five, six, seven, eight!

Whoo! Let's take it up a notch.

Whoo! Whoo!

All right! All right, here we go!

Good morning, everyone.

Right, let's dive straight in.

With just two days to go
until our charity fashion show,

Gracie is finally ready
to reveal her designs,

and we're all very excited to hear
Professor Blood's verdict.

Thank you, everyone.

I have received confirmation that
our governors will be attending,



so it is now of the
utmost importance

that this show demonstrates the
creative and physical ability

of the college.

Over to you, Grace.

Um... slight hiccup.

Gracie? Where are the outfits?

Ah!

- Sorry about the lateness.
- Franky?

Er... this is a committee-only
meeting.

Actually, Mins,
Franky's been a life-saver.

I couldn't have made them without her,
and she'll be great with the music.

She should totally join us.

Oh! I didn't realise
that you were still friends. Great.

Brilliant. Excellent.

- Really?
- Totally. Thanks a million, Franky.

Er... why don't you girls show us
the fruits of your labours?

As we're raising money for the
blind, our theme is tactile textures.

So, we've used classic suit
and dress patterns

with loads of different fabrics
that are cool to touch,

like silk, faux fur and velvet.

I knew this was gonna happen.

Gracie, those... are not what we
discussed.

I... I fear she's having some kind
of... personal crisis.

Oh, come on! >

I understand we all need
a platform to express ourselves

but this show is not about you,
Grace.

It's about raising money. Mm.

I just dread to think
what the governors would say

seeing these avant-garde designs.

They're so... weird.

Take it from me, sir...

I know what I'm talking about.

I see what you mean.

I propose a drastic rethink.

A new theme, new outfits.

New models. Nick and I should
be the triumphant finale.

I've got it.

White tie and tiara.

If it's good enough for Elton, it's
good enough for Roundview. Agreed?

Mini, you have two days to save the
show.

I won't let you down, sir.

Right.

Moving forward. Grace?

You're fired. Liv?

Let's get some models.

OK, it was a bit harsh, but she's
developing a serious attitude problem.

Mini! Can you just hold up
for one fucking second?

Firstly, remove your hand from my
arm.

Secondly, could you please refrain
from swearing at me?

Yeah, sorry. It's just you've been
really rude to me and it's not fair.

Can you just stop being bitches
so we can all be friends, OK?

I can't believe
you just called us bitches.

Bitches? See, I told you, Liv.
Major attitude problem.

- That was just uncalled for.
- No, it wasn't.

You're meant to be my best friends

and you just told everyone
I'm having a breakdown, and I'm not!

You only have yourself to blame.

Toodles!

Fine! Fuck off!

You fucking fuck-heads!

Truffle shuffle! Truffle shuffle!

Truffle shuffle!

All right, sexy?

Listen, I need you for a few minutes.

Oi, Mini, when Nick stops satisfying
you, my cock is all yours, yeah?

I don't fuck losers.

- Nicely played, babes.
- Boys, say bye-bye to your captain.

- I want to be alone with my man.
- Mm.

Outside. Five mins.

You can go first.
I'll save the big news till after.

OK, how would you like to be
the best boyfriend in the world

and help me out
at the charity fashion show?

I need two gorgeous models to walk
with me and Liv down the runway.

No can do. Training comes first.

Do you not want to know
what my surprise is?

My dad's away until Saturday. We
finally have the house to ourselves.

Fashion show comes first.

That's just another excuse.

I've waited weeks for this.

You said you wanted to,
next time I had a free gaff.

I do the fashion show,
you stay over tonight.

You're the ultimate boyfriend.

- Oh, bring a friend too.
- Get in.

But I might not be in the mood
tonight. I've just been really stressed.

Stressed you won't live up to your
rep?

What rep? I'm not a slag!

Well, from the stories you tell,
you're no virgin.

Are you?

I'm just not sure
you'll be able to handle me.

Babe, you don't want to know
what I've handled.

I really don't.

My exes are nothing compared to you.

And I promise tonight will be
special.

Of course. It will be amazing.

Perfect.

Fuck.

You're walking down a catwalk!

You're not walking the plank here,
OK?

The catwalk is not a playground.
Sashay in.

Liv, come over here. Stop the music.

I said sprinkle down the runway.

I'll teach you how to sprinkle.

BOTH LAUGH

Who the fuck is that weirdo?

Um... he's your partner for the
finale.

Well, the... the bit before the
finale.

Nick and I are closing the show.

Obviously.

Hey, sexual.

When's your friend going to show us

what he's got in store for Olivia?

Music!

Come on, Rider.

Nice moves.

Ow!

Ah!

Ah! Liv, take it seriously.
It's not Strictly.

Can't wait for tonight, babes.

Come round about eight.

I'll get some food in. For breakfast.

Mm. And I got some supplies.

Oh, no. Ultra nightmare.

I totally forgot. I promised Liv I'd
hang out with her tonight.

I'm so sorry. Don't be stroppy,
babe. I'd rather be with you.

But Liv is just all depressed
by her lack of love life.

Right, OK.
Let's all go out together, then.

I'll bring Rider. Bit of matchmaking.

You're so sweet. I love you.

Mm, yeah, me too.

Would You
Have Me Born With Wooden Eyes?

Is that you, baby?

Oh. Gorgeous girlie.

It's like looking in a mirror.

You wish.

Over here, missus.

Didn't keep you up last night,
did I?

Thatguy turned out to be a right
goer. Couldn't get enough of it.

When will I get to meet
this prince of yours?

That's enough.

It's much better.

What a stunner you are.

Off you go and have fun.

I always do with Nick.

We're in love.

Well, you hold onto him, angel.
You don't want to end up like me.

Remember, men only want one thing,

and once they've got it,
they disappear into thin air.

Do your pelvic floor exercises!
That's the way to a man's heart.

Oh, no.

Nick.

You're gonna have to help me.

All right. It's all about focus,
babes. Pick your spot

and visualise yourself
putting that ball right there.

No, no. No, no, no. Come back.

You're shit.

Nick's are the only balls I play
with.

Nick's are the only balls
I play with. Lucky boy.

At least you're good at
something.

This one for the match, Nick, yeah?
Mm.

For you it's over, big man.

Close your legs. You're drooling.

That is gross.

Whoo! We whipped your arses.

Three games in a row, baby.

Whatever. Mins, let's head back to
mine.

Er... if you're happy to give up
just like that, then that's cool.

I just thought
my boyfriend was better than that.

But no worries.

Loser.

All right, OK, one more game
and then we head back to the crib.

Swap teams, though. Shotgun, Liv.

And let's spice things up a
bit.

Whoever loses each point
downs an epic mouthful each.

Awesome.

Er... not for me and Liv.

Getting wasted the night before my
fashion shoot is very clever.

Oh, come on.

We all need our beauty sleep.

I don't. Have you seen my face?

You dickhead.

Go on, give us a swig.

Go on. Down it.

Fuck it.

That's my girl.

Don't be boring, babes.

Yeah!

I'm gonna sue!

You are gonna get a slap!

Fuck you.

Bollocks. I've lost my fucking keys.

Oh, it must have fallen out in
there.

There's no way he's letting us back
in.

Er... looks like we're gonna have to
call it a night, then.

Liv, coming?

Oi.

You two ain't getting away that
easily. Let's head back to mine.

Mum's working a late-nighter,
won't be back for ages.

Liv, just wait till you catch
a glimpse of my pad.

Never have I ever had an STI.

No.

Right, here's one
you girls can't get out of.

Liv, that bra's coming off.

Never have I ever munched cock.

Oh, yes. Come on, Min, you
too.

An earring? That's cheating, man.

Get your jugs out!

Rider, take it easy.

Dress off, dress off, dress off!

There's only one person that gets to
check out what's under here.

And it's not you.

Ha! Hm.

It looks like the game's over.

Good. It was shit.

I don't care what you've done
or never done.

I sure know what you're gonna do
now. To me.

You're all right.
I mean, except for your personality.

Maybe you should just stop
talking

Good boy.

Liv!

Back in a sec.

Oh. Baby.

You're amazing.

And you're fucking hot.

Is that why you're with me?

It's a bonus.

You're sexy. Fit as.

What's wrong?

Liv's panting is ruining the mood.

Well, at least she's having fun.

I... I can't do this.

Babe, it's been way over a month.

What's the big deal?
Don't you fancy me?

You know I do. I love you.

Show me, then.

Mins?

Ugh.

Oh. Oh.

You've got to get her out of here
before my mother comes back.

She's gonna go schizo. Shit.

Stop preening and get cleaning.

Where's the fucking Domestos?

I can't believe that twat
got more action than me.

Oh, don't cry. There's always
tomorrow.

I've run out of ideas
on how to get her into bed.

Rewind.

You two haven't...?

No.

It's a bit weird, Liv. She keeps on
telling me she loves me.

That's just Mini.
She's full-on all the time.

It's the best and worst thing about
her.

Yeah, well.

Let's just take her home, yeah?

I've never been here
before.

Don't know anything about her mum or
dad.

It's just mum.

Liv, I don't even know her.

Yeah, she's hot and she makes me
laugh. But that's it.

And now I've been dragged
into this stupid fashion show.

It's a big deal. She's just
stressing out.

We're gonna be laughed at.

She can't dance.

We'll look ridiculous.
My team's gonna be there, my coach.

You're her boyfriend.

And I'm her best friend.
We need to give her a bit of help.

What?

You've got quite a rep,
but you're actually pretty sound.

Back-handed compliment.

But I'll take it.

I'm sleepy.

Night.

With You

You've gained 57 grams.

Wait, um...

32 grams.

Er... Mini. It's not on.

Let me impart a phrase that I apply
to most situations in life.

Good girls don't swallow.

Next.

Liv. Um... call me.

I've got the hangover from hell
and three hours to do 101 jobs.

It's Mini, obviously.

Hi, gorgeous.
Just wanted to say hello.

Give me a call
when you get the chance.

I could do with a hand for some of
the last-minute fashion show bits.

Liv, it's me again.

Call me. I really need help
with the dresses, OK?

A little help, please!

Yeah, move.

Has anyone seen Nick or Liv?

And somebody steam those dresses!

All right, Princess Puke?

'For those of you involved
in tonight's fashion show,

'you need to be at the outdoor area
for a dress rehearsal in 15.

'The rest of you, look hot
and keep your heads down.

'That is all. '

That's my dress.

Whoops.
Sorry, Mini, I'll change.

Yeah, you will.

I'll wear it for the rehearsal.
We're already running late.

Because I've been looking for you!

Liv was just helping me
with the dance.

Oh, really?Yeah, really.

How very thoughtful.

Liv, dress off now.

Your saggy tits have stretched it.

Oh, don't be a dick.

You told everyone
I puked on Nick last night!

Me? I was the one looking after you.

I bet you two had a right laugh.

Mini, you haven't got
enough dresses.

Mini, who's doing our hair?

Mini, where are the tickets
for the after-show party?

No offence,
but that looks way better on Liv.

No offence, but that looks way
better on Liv. Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!

Silence!

What is this foolish nonsensery?

What does that say?

Roundview charity fashion show.

Anything else?

Five pounds.

Starts at 7.30.

Let me explain.

The dresses don't fit the models,

half of the show
is still to be choreographed,

and we have less than two hours
until the designated outdoor area

is filled with students
and teachers and governors.

I'll... I'll sort it out. Please.

No. You fainted on school property.
You're obviously not well.

I'm fine.

I'm saying you're unwell.

So you're unwell.

Go home, Mini.

Looking For A Kiss

Finally.

Thanks for meeting me. Nick,
you and I don't need a catwalk.

What have you done?

What's wrong?

Mini, I...

Where are you going?

The show starts in 15 minutes.

Fuck the show.

What?

Let's go, just us, back to yours.

I can't abandon the troops.

Reward comes from dedication,
hard work, passion.

You can reward me after.

No, now!

No. Liv needs me to close the show.

Boys Boys Boys

Hello, Roundview!

Thank you
to the very talented Grace Violet

and the wicked Franky Fitzgerald
for providing music and lighting.

And I would like to thank
my best friend Mini McGuinness.

Tonight was all her idea.

She's always encouraging us
to do new things.

Unfortunately, she is unwell
and couldn't perform.

But I'm sure she would be
very pleased with the show

and we really hope
that she gets better soon.

and we really hope that she gets
better soon.

See you at the after-show party,
thanks for coming!

We're really happy you came.

Mini, you're here! Have a drink.

Where's Nick?

What?

My boyfriend. Where is he?

I don't know.

Stay away from us.

Mini, wait up!

Hi.

You look nice.

Should you be talking to me?

Mini's not my friend any more.

Are we still friends?

I was hoping more than that.

If that's cool with you.

That's cool.

Cool.

Mini, what's going on with you?
You're freaking me and Nick out.

I know you haven't slept together.
Don't do it. He doesn't love you.

You've been bitching behind my back?
Typical of you!

You've always been jealous of me.

You are making
a top prat of yourself.

Explain why you're calling my
boyfriend, sleeping next to him,

dancing next to him on stage.
Keep your whore hands away from him!

I will not let you shit
all over me. Because I know you.

I know,
underneath all of that make-up,

you're just a frightened
little virgin.

Look! I still love you.

But I am the only one. >

So, grow up, OK?
Before you've got no-one. >

Get it together, you stupid bitch!

Fuck!

I'll dump her.

If you want.

You got a lighter?

Looks like you're having
a pretty shit time.

I can't find Nick.

Grace is here.

I know.

I'm not trying to
ruin your life, Mini.

You could have fooled me.

of self-absorbed,
attention-seeking cocks.

Are you looking for a fight?

It was hard to see why you hung out
together. But then...

I got it.

You look out for each other.

You love each other.

Come and dance.

Take me to yours.

Mini!

This is gonna be worth the wait,
I promise.

About today.

- I feel like we're not clicking.
- I know.

I'll... I'll try harder.

Let's blank today out.

It... it didn't happen.
None of it happened.

Please.

Do you have, um... a...

Um... yeah.

Sure, cool.

Right.

OK.

Mini...

.. anything you want to tell me?

I love you.

Anything you want to tell me?

You love me too, don't you?

Yeah.

I love you too.

It's Only Love)

All right there, my lovely?

You fancy a ride?

Come on.

Do You Love Me?)

Every night you turn up
looking like a zombie, Olivia.

Do not tell me
there is nothing to worry about

because your aura
is telling me quite the opposite.

- Ta-da! - No-one leaves
till this bag is empty.

Oh. Franky's gone. What a
lightweight.

- What's going on?
- Everyone's having such a good time.

Really would be a shame
if you spoil it.

We don't tell each other our
secrets, do we?

- That's my bed.
- And I'm in it with my boyfriend.

The party is over. Everybody out!