Skins (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - Freddie - full transcript

Synch: Arrow, Breys

Every day I know this is what
I was born to do.

It's everything to me.
And nothing else matters except...

This is for you, Mum...

Singing "Juicing Down",
please welcome Karen McLair!

Let's see what the judges think...

Ladies, could you be happy
with Karen in the Sexxbombz?

Yeah.
It'd be lovely. I love her.

Jordan, did you get Karen tonight?

Karen. I'm going to be honest
with you, okay?

We're in the semi-finals
of this competition.



Everybody's talented. Yeah?

But the question is...

Are you talented enough

to join the Sexxbombz?

- How can you watch this again?
- Shut up, cockhead...

You know what?
You dance like a gazelle.

On acid.

I love it!

I love it! Yes!

Do you think I look hot?

Don't be fucking twisted.
You're my sister.

Dad!

- Freddie says I look ugly.
- She doesn't look ugly. She looks sexy.

I didn't say that.
She's talking bollocks.



Tell your sister she looks
sexy on the television.

Go on...

You look sexy on telly, Karen.

Now. Let's watch the good bit.

We've had a record number of votes,

over 1,000 texts and phone calls.

And the last girl
to go through to the final

of "Search for a Sexxbomb" is...

You know you bloody won!

I just hope my mum
was watching up in Heaven.

This is for you, Mum,
and I love you forever!

For fuck's sake, Dad.
Listen to what she's saying.

You're in my garden.

Right.

I...

- wanted to see what was in your shed.
- My...?

Shed.

Everyone says
you have a marvellous shed.

- Everyone?
- Yeah.

It's marvelled at.

So, this is it.

So what do you and the boys
do in here?

Braid each other's hair
and play soggy biscuit?

No... not for ages.

Spliff, then?

Cool.

Why don't you get your porn
on the internet, like normal people?

What the fuck's this?

You know, sometimes, when we're...

we're too stoned to...

go outside...

I'm sorry.

- I wasn't really expecting guests.
- What do you normally do?

Put out doilies?

Well, they do keep the cups clean.

Thanks for letting me in.

I know it's weird.

It's... whatever. You know.

It's cool.

It's cool.

It's just...
Seems like a good place to hide.

You'll never guess
what just happened.

This skinny Asian fucker
was at the Green,

body popping on a bit of lino.

He's got a little sign saying
"Anwar the Magnificent", right?

He's busking, making cash money.
So I said to him if I can join in...

And he says do I know the Buddha
Buddha Cheese Buddha routine.

So I says...

Well, blow bubbles up
my bollocks and call me Shirley.

Welcome to our fortress of solitude!

I think I love the Sexxbombz.

Karen's costume last night
was a bit of a marvel.

I'm pretty sure it defied
the laws of physics. I mean,

that tiny amount of material
is surely not be able to cover

the requisite surface area
for UK broadcasting laws.

- Did you see it, Eff?
- No...

That skirt was so short
I saw her bumhole wink.

Pass the spliff, Freddiebrek.

Don't worry, I've perfected it.

Water... water...

No way...

Fucking Genius!

How long have you
had that planted there?

About eight months.

Fucking genius.

Fucking top, mate.

That's fucking tip toparoo.

After all this excitement,
I fancy a spunk.

You coming, Eff? You soon will be.

I'd sooner fuck JJ.

That isn't intended as a compliment.
But I'm going to take it as one anyway.

Maybe you didn't get it.
"Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."

I got it.

Freddie and JJ got it.

That termite over there got it.

But you're not going to get it.
Got it?

No... I'm confused.

I'm not going anywhere
near your crayola dick.

I know where it's been.

- What's she talking about?
- Piss off then.

This is our place, right?
If you're not going to shag us,

then get to fuck.

Mate, try and stir my porridge
if you want

but I'd say even Jay's got
a better chance than you.

I mean, when was the last time
you breathed fire?

Dinner's ready!

So, should I be called Minxy
Sexxbomb or Foxy Sexxbomb?

Jordan says he likes Minxy.
I wanted it to be Sexy Sexxbomb...

Can't you tell? Look at his eyes.
He's completely monged.

I'm not.

I've...

got coursework now.

You gonna tell him?
About the thing?

Sit down!

I'm busy....

Freddie, sit down!

Sit down.

- We want you here at two tomorrow.
- What for?

Filming for the interview
before my final performance.

You've got to talk about
how much you miss Mum

and how much it'll mean to you
to see me win.

This is like,
too fucked-up for words.

- My Mum's dead, vote for me...
- It's not like it's not true.

- I miss Mum every day.
- Shit... Dad, she's doing it again!

You need a story,
everyone knows that.

- See!
- She didn't mean it like that.

Yes, I did. At least I've got
some fucking ambition!

I don't really think wanting
Robbie Williams

to jizz over your baps
doesn't count as ambition!

That's nice. That's lovely guys.

- Be here tomorrow at two o'clock.
- You know what? Why should I?

Cos I wash your clothes, cook
your meals, put a roof over your head,

probably pay for your skunk

and I do it all without asking
anything in return. Except this.

Look! Look at her!

She's your sister,
you support her. That's it.

It's just...

Fucking hell...

You know?

It's just, like...
Fucking hell, you know?

- Dad!
- Get back here and apologise.

Freddie, get back here!

Dad, get him back here now
and make him apologise to me!

Sorry.

Dad, you've got to get him
back here. Dad, please...

Hamlet. What's it all about...

dudes?

Anyone?

Well, Josie,

through the fog of his grief,

Hamlet is struggling to choose

between action or inaction,

and through this struggle,

he encounters existential forces,

illuminating the path
towards death which is,

in itself, life.

My my, that is
an illuminating thesis, Gerald.

Well, done.
Thank you.

No, thank you.
You're a delight to teach.

- I got held up.
- Freddie's always late.

Sorry...

Sit down, please.

Is Freddie gonna fail his A-levels?

Fraid so, Gerald.

You're all gonna fail if you
don't read the pucking book...

I've read it! It was great!

I didn't really
understand it though.

Did the ghost do it after all,
or was it Voldemort?

He's a right beast, in't he?

I think you got your books
mixed up again, Panda.

So! In summary,

the predominant themes
of William Shakespeare's Hamlet are...

action, inaction, madness,

madness,

grief,

death...

Being, or not being.

That is the question...

Anyone else?

Hamlet's basically a teenage boy.

He's got these desires

but he doesn't have the bottle
to reach for them.

So he goes mad
and wanks off about Ophelia

and ends up so boring
that somebody has to kill him.

I'm not sure that's right.

There's no wanking in Hamlet.

There is. Loads.
Only they call it "soliloquizing".

Nice one, blondie.

She's funny.

Please don't!

Stop it... Stop it, please!

Thanks a lot, Cook.
Now my nipples are really chafed.

Come on.
We're going down the boozer.

- I'm gonna...
- Come on! I need to get

that fucking Dickens out me head.
Let's get fucking trashed!

- But...
- Come on, Freds. It's been...

ages since we last went out.

I'm going home.

Please don't! Not again!

Have a tickle!

So...

Tell us what it means to you
to have Karen

in the grand final
of Search For A Sexxbomb?

It's like, you know...
well, I mean...

I can't quite put it into words.

It's great.

It is great.

He is just the best brother
in the world.

We take every day
as a blessing from God, because,

you know,
Mum isn't with us any more.

It really makes you think.

Does it?

About what?

About, you know...
Life is precious

and stuff.

Why don't you tell me
what it was like

- to lose your mother?
- I didn't lose her.

I'm not gonna find her
down the back of the sofa or anything.

But, you know, like,

- how did it feel?
- It felt great.

It felt really great.

Let me ask you... How does it
feel being a cocaine-snorting,

in low-budget, corporate puppet?

- I think we're going to cut here.
- Mum was...

She was the one who told me
that I had a talent, a gift.

Who first sang with me
and believed in me.

When I'm singing out there,
I'm not just singing for me.

I'm singing for her.

And I'm singing for anyone
who's ever been through tragedy.

Cut there. I love you, Karen!
I actually love you.

You're so warm and sweet and cool.

I could eat you.
I'd love to eat you.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you, Karen?
- I'd love that, Jordan.

OK, all right...

Listen, I need a chai latte.
Where's that asshole runner?

In there, with the other arseholes.

You know, you're not that hot kid.

Nobody wants to eat you...

- Phil, yes, my man...
- You're such a cock.

Why are you trying
to fuck this up for me?

I want the stuff
that makes me go gaga, you know?

Start raping people, you know?
You are beautiful.

I'll see you then.

You know. You oughta get laid
or something, kid.

I might be a corporate puppet
or whatever

but I have a fucking good time.

How's being an angsty little prick
working out for you?

I haven't seen
you dressed like that since...

ever.

You look a bit
like Frau Hilde from Primary.

Right now Kinder,
get ze glitter on ze macaroni und stick!

Stick! Express yourselves, ja?

Ze glue is all over das lippen.

Do you remember how Cook used to try
and ping his crayons into her bra?

Primary was fun.

Yeah, it was.

Cook wants you to come
to Uncle Keith's pub quiz tomorrow.

If Cook wants me there, I suppose
I'd better fucking hop to it at 9!

Freddie... Why don't you want
to be friends with us any more?

Cook hasn't got any friends.

Just... people that he knows.

Don't say that.

So? I mean...

What else are you gonna do?

Anyway...

- You'll like this.
- Hang on, pack of cards...

handkerchief, and a mouse,

but I haven't actually
got a mouse, so...

so, a rubber.
I need you to pick a card...

I'll pick it for you.

I hope you're okay.

Good.

Now, Elizabeth. It's important
for you to remember

that your mother
and I still love each other very much.

- No we don't.
- That's right. We don't.

- That's why you're leaving.
- That's why I'm leaving.

That's why I'm fucking
out of here, woman.

I am on a fucking plane.

You're dead right.
I am fucking out of here...

What's up?

And you've got
so little imagination,

you have to shag my fucking boss!

It's pathetic. You could have shagged
the turd from Tesco's.

- Take anything!
- I don't want anything!

Take it! Otherwise
it's all gonna cunting Oxfam!

Don't you dare use "cunt"
and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!

- Take something. You bought it...
- All right. I'll take my fucking pan.

Take that pan
and you are fucking dead!

I brought your bracelet back.

Thanks.

We'd be good together.

- Don't you think?
- No.

- Why?
- Because I'll break your heart.

Maybe I'll break yours.

Nobody breaks my heart...

and anyway, why would I want that?

Who the buggering tits is this?

Unbelievable.

They're not actually crazy,
you know.

They're just women.

It's amazing what you can
accomplish if you get up early.

Fuck!

- Don't swear. I don't like swearing.
- This is bullshit!

This is our fucking shed.

Mine and JJ's and Cook's.

- Since we were little kids.
- Maybe it's time you grew up then.

Besides, Karen needs somewhere
to rehearse, and actually it's my shed.

I think this is the worst thing
anyone's ever done to me.

I didn't do to you.
I did it for you.

Right.

Question 23...

A swan is
the only bird with a penis,

but how long can a cockroach live

- after you've pulled its head off?
- Easy.

This is the life. The three musketeers
out on the lash. Let's have a cheers.

The only man in Britain to survive
three attempts to hang him

was John Babbacombe Lee
at Exeter Jail.

On what dates were
the attempts made?

Keith, what's up
with these questions?

Do you wanna be disqualified?

What were the dates?

Do you know what
Naomi is spelled backwards?

- I moan...
- Fucking JJ...

Brilliant, man.

In Sherwood Forest, a famous...

- What's up?
- You all right?

Yes, fine. Who's this?

What is it?

Mike.

- Romantic...
- All right, love.

Clitoris Allsorts could do
with some more members.

All right Keith, we're not stopping.

Right...

Next question.

When dropped from a height of
100 inches onto concrete,

how high should
a new tennis ball bounce?

Answers in hectares please.

- I've got the answer.
- Write it down then J-kins.

We don't let nothing
come between us. Yeah?

Bros before hos, boys.
Bros before hos.

Anyway.

We've got bigger fish to fuck. Who does
your sister think she is? Gina G?

This fucking shed situation
is fucked.

- The Cookie Monster does not like this.
- If you find her so reprehensible,

why did you have sex with her?

Wait. That was supposed
to stay in the vault. Wasn't it?

- JJ?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm emotionally underdeveloped.

- You shagged my sister?
- You know what I'm like...

half a bottle of Grappa and
I turn into a fucking machine gun...

You fucked my sister?

Just be, Freddie.

Just be.

Fuck!

Bring it, Karen, bring it.

What do you want?

I was wondering if there was
anything else you wanted?

- What?
- You've got this...

Maybe you want my bedroom
for a tanning salon next.

At least then you might
stand a chance tomorrow.

Just let me rehearse,
and you can bitch at me after the final.

I am so sorry.

I forgot that's the only thing
that matters in the whole world.

- Grow the fuck up.
- You don't see it, do you?

You don't see what a stupid

- fucking cliche you really are.
- Piss off, Freddie.

So out of interest...

What were you dreaming of
when you fucked my best friend?

- It wasn't like that...
- He fucked you good, didn't he?

I know your type, Karen.

Love me...

Love me...

Love me.

Look, stop it.

You little fucking whore...

Go to your room.

Get some rest.

Freddie, don't you ever speak
to your sister that way again.

What are you gonna do about it?

Every time I look at you,
I wonder...

You've got
your mother's eyes, but...

I don't know who you are any more.

You just skate around.

You just fucking skate around.

Is Effy in?

There's no-one here
but terrible old me...

Do you know where she is?

Please?

She's at the water park, I think.

She goes there to...

get away from here.

Effy! I wanna talk to you!

Hi. This is Effy.
I'm not talking right now.

But leave a message
and maybe I'll get back to you...

- Effy, I've come to tell you...
- Freddie.

I don't think I can...

So, now I've told you, OK?

Now you know...

Jemma! That was fierce.

Fierce!

I didn't like it...

I loved it!

I loved it! I fucking loved it!

Well, done! Thank you very much,
Jemma. Thank you.

Okay, it's time for our third
and final act of the evening.

Singing the song that took the Sexxbombz
to number one in two countries,

one protectorate
and of course, Wales...

it's Karen Mclair, with Ass To Ass!

Absolutely fantastic!

I'd like to dedicate that
to my mum, Mary Mclair.

I love you so much...

Shut up...

Karen, Karen, that was amazing.

You are not just
in this competition...

you are this competition!

What about you Sexxbombz,
are you feeling the love tonight?

I wanna see you
going ass to ass with you...

I wanna see you going
ass to ass with me...

They're feeling the ass baby!
Fo' shizzle!

They are all feeling the ass.
Thank you Karen, everybody.

OK. It's now time to get voting
for your favourite...

Honey? Jemma? Or Karen?

Lines are open, get dialling now
and come back here in one hour.

One of these three
lovely girls will be...

the new Sexxbomb!

Thanks, mate.

What are you doing, man?
Let's go out and fucking celebrate!

- What?
- She fucking lost...

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, then.
We'll bring the party to you...

Come on J...

He wanted to come around...

Just don't do anything bad, OK?

Hello, Mr Mclair. Karen.

Hello, JJ.

Bad luck, Karen.
In the competition, like.

But you know...

What goes around comes around.

How much did you lose by again?
15 votes?

Well, that's funny, cos...

that's about how many people
were in Keith's pub tonight.

- You voted against her?
- Not just me. Everyone in there.

- JJ, even.
- Cook, don't...

You fucking did what?

You took my shed,
I took your competition. Fair's fair.

You little shit,
you ugly little bastard...

Guys. Come on, let's go out?
You can watch me play pin the sausage...

- I forgot how limber you were, Karen.
- What's going on?

Come on. It's been a long day.

You prick.

You selfish fucking prick.

- Freddie, please.
- Fucking do it then. You pussy.

I really fucking love you,
you bastard.

JJ, we're leaving, man.

- JJ, I'm sorry.
- JJ!

You fucking...

Hi. This is Effy. I'm not talking
right now but leave a message...

- Hi, is Ef...
- Give it up, will you?

- What?
- Just fuck right off.

You've got about
as much chance of fucking me

as becoming the democratically
elected Student President.

You? President?

Yeah man. Problem?

Vote for me!
Vote for non-stop party!

- You're such a fucking joke.
- I'm a joke? You're fucking hilarious.

Can we go somewhere?

Anywhere?