Skins (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - Pandora - full transcript

Synchro: mpm, Arrow

Please come back.

Come back.

Hi, I made tea.

- I didn't mean to surprise you...
- It's OK, Anthea.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, you know... Just, just looking.

Right.

Whizzer.

Eff's a bit out of it.

She's beautiful... Not like me.

Seems like somebody likes you!



My boyfriend gave it to me.

I only knew him three days.

Now he's gone.

But it was fun while it lasted?

So much fun...

Yeah, it's called love.

- That's a big word!
- I dunno. Four letters is...

But I'm sure it is love.

All you want to do
is kiss them and...

you know, other stuff?

Brilliant stuff.

Yeah, brilliant stuff.

Maybe this Thomas will hop
on a train and come back to see you.

- You can't get a train from the Congo.
- Congo?



Yeah, it's a Democratic Republic,

located on the Equator
bordering Gabon and Cameroon.

Yeah, I remember now.

I really miss him.

You think love conquers all, Anthea?

I hope so, sweetie.

Why don't you wake up
the sleeping beauty

and tell her we have something
called "breakfast" in our country?

After that we had to get out
mega-speedily,

so we climbed over some spiky fence,
and found ourselves in this field.

- Then what did we do, Eff?
- Can't remember.

We either went to the park{\ to find the boys}

and then got chips,
or the other way round.

- Which was it, Eff?
- Chips. Oh, yeah.

Super cool. Brown sauce
soaks up all the Red Bulls.

Then we went crazy cos Cook pulled down
JJ's pants and showed us his willy.

Morning, Mum... Yeah thanks.

Super duper great night
at the youth centre.

I made soup, we prayed
and recycled socks.

Soup - for the homeless,
they love soup.

Cream of mushroom...

Okey-doke.
Effy says, "Howdy doody."

See you later, alligator.

Did you just...?

- That was a pack of lies.
- Oh, you can't tell my mum the truth.

She'd only do agony
flip and go ra-ra.

Is she speaking English?

She means the truth hurts, Dad.

It's for her own good.

Otherwise, truth...

- You all right, love?
- Yeah, I just... I just gotta...

- Stop it.
- You stop it.

Is someone going to start speaking
a language round here I understand?

Steve, mate?
Am I driving today?

You're doing the International Webcam
and Hard Drive Expo in Poole.

You don't want to miss that.

I can't do it.

Jesus! You should have told me,
I fucking love those hard drive events.

- Jim, who are you talking...?
- I need you.

OK, I'll get the car keys.
Get you to Poole in no time.

For fuck's sake, I love you!

When are you fucking
going to understand that?

Mate, I'm... I'm married.

I'm straight.

Don't do dick, no way no how,
but, you know...

I mean, c'est la vie.
Each to their own.

- I told you...
- It's too late.

Wallop!

Bitch! Bitch!

You don't understand! Jim, please!

- Listen!
- All those weekends!

Those bendy fucking yoga weekends
in Dartmouth!

You were bending
all right, weren't you?

In all the right fucking places!

Just let me...

I just want to explain to you.

You've done enough
explaining, haven't you?

- I'm sorry.
- I love you.

Please don't leave me.

What a mess.

They fuck you up.

They don't mean to, Eff.

But they do.

Not now, Mum.

Bugger it, Eff.

You can't half leg it.

And I've got cross-country badge!

Do you think your mum
and funny beard have been, you know...

making monkey?

Yes, Pandora.
They've been making monkey.

Surfed and turfed...

Eff, don't cry.

Does... does this mean you're not coming
to my pyjama party?

I'm not crying.

Right.

But my party?

Sure.

Why not?

Let's get totally, totally fucked.

Yeah, that's the thing.

My mum's gonna be there and we're
gonna put on pyjamas and play Twister.

It's brilliant fun,
more fun than getting fucked...

probably. And then you're all going
to tell me how to do it with Tommo

because I haven't got a clue.

Pandora, why are we friends?

Do you ever wonder?

That's super easy.

You're my pal
because you're the coolest ever,

and I'm yours because
I'll totally do anything you say

and none of your boyfriends
ever want to surf me cos I'm useless.

That's it?

Come on,

- let's get hot chocolates.
- Cool.

I've been ringing you loads!

You know Danny, he plays for
the Bristol Rovers Reserves, yeah?

Yes, nice one, tasty.

This is my new best friend, Effy.

Cool tits, yeah?

- Sorry?
- Nice jugglies, babe... perky.

He doesn't mean it, do you, babes?

Fuckin' right I do!

And I'm Pandora.

Hey kid, you should come up the ground,
watch the lads train, yeah?

Cos after, we get some Lambrinis in,
we go lucky in the showers?

He's joking, right?

Right.

Anyway. Can't wait for
this party tonight.

- I've got a shitload of weed and pills.
- Weeds?

- Cool.
- Yeah man. Way safe... Orgy!

You're not coming.
It's girls only. Right?

We're gonna tell secrets
and get intimate, no boys.

Intimate?!

Yes. Nice one!
Take photos, babe!

So I've got Flying Saucepans
and Love Fountains.

- We're gonna fry!
- But, we're doing Twister.

- Cool. You can snort that, right?
- Not exactly.

- Love Fountains are mint!
- Mum's making brownies.

You OK?

She's upset because her mum's been
making monkey and her dad's gone ape.

Bananas! Cos Beardy Steve's been making
her do the Funky Gibbon and...

- I've boobed, haven't I?
- Yes!

I loves the Funky Gibbon!

You're gonna fuck off?

We need girl time.

Practice your ball skills, babe.

I'll do that keepy-uppy thing later,
remember?

Mum's done the signal.

So everybody knows
where my party is.

How many people did you invite?

Four. You, Eff, Emily and Naomi.

- Why did you invite her?
- Em's says I have to or she won't come.

- Sweet.
- Come on.

We can do brownies
and then lick our bowls out.

Do you think she knows
she sounds filthy half the time?

Sometimes I wonder.

Blastification!

Drat! Drat! Fiddlesticks!

Panda, we have spoken about shouting
like a goat in the house.

Sorry. Look, Mum. Friends!

Still shouting, Panda.
Calm time, please.

I'm calm.

So... this is Effy.

Effy! We meet at last.

Pandora has told me
so much about you.

Yeah, you know...
your missionary work.

Yes, I try and do as
much of that as I can.

That's good. There's so
many bad things in the world.

Boys, and drugs,

guns, alcohol.

Boys. Evil things.

I'm glad Pandora's found a channel
she can pour her energy into.

All the seamen like her.

Seamen?

Loads of seamen.
Some of them are homeless as well.

We'd all love to see Pandora
get her own missionary position.

Right...

Lovely. And this is?

- I haven't heard about you.
- She's a new friend, Mum. Stupid.

Well, that's wonderful.

We're not used to having so many
friends, are we, Panda?

No. And I've got more.

Heaps more.

- Two more.
- Four friends.

Goodness. We're going to have
a wild old time, aren't we?

I hope you all like
playing Monster in the Dark.

Looking forward to it.

I expect you all want to wash
your hands and take your shoes off.

Come on. I'll show you
Mum's special box.

"London's burning London's burning

"Fetch the engines Fetch the engines

"Fire, fire!
Fire, fire!

"Making brownies, making brownies
Really yummy, really yummy

"Making brownies, making brownies
In the kitchen, in the kitchen...

Fucking hell.

Nothing, young lady.

I have nothing to say to you at all.

What the fuck is that?

I've never been to a pyjama party
before, so I brought vodka.

- Was that right?
- Dunno.

- I don't wear pyjamas.
- Right.

I dunno why she invited me anyway.

- I hardly know her.
- I asked her to invite you.

- I thought we sorted this out.
- No, I didn't mean that.

Well, it doesn't hurt
to get to know each other.

We're in the same class.

We'll be hanging out
for the next 2 years...

You going to tell people
you're gay anytime soon?

What?

I'm not.

I'm not gay.

Telling you, Em.

You haven't thought this through,
have you?

So can I just say again?

Me, not muff muncher.
Me, cock cruncher.

You getting any cock?

I have done.

Except he had erectile dysfunction.

17 times.

I was getting tennis elbow,
you know.

Can I help you with something?

This is a quiet cul-de-sac
and you are disgraceful young women.

So go fuck yourself, tosser.

What?

More friends! Naomi and Emily!

Calm, please, Panda.

I'm calm.

We've been so looking forward
to this, haven't we, Panda?

What?

Shoes!

Are you all chums?

Ems and Naomi are real good friends.

- How lovely.
- Really good,

and now they like me as well.

Hang on. Aren't you Katie?

That's the amazing thing! Katie!

They're twins.
C'est incroyable, baby!

- Sorry?
- It's French. Thomas taught me!

He's such a blinkin' dream and...

Bugger.

Who's Thomas?

You know...

Pandora. I do hope you haven't been
defying me on the subject of boys.

He's my boyfriend, actually.

He does... excellent French.

Right. Well,

- She knows my opinion on boyfriends.
- They just want to get into my box.

Yes, and I do hope all of you
will respect that in this house

we do not allow unruly males
at parties.

I'm sure your parents
would say the same thing.

Boys. Yuk. Disgusting.

There you go, Katie and Emily.

Completely identical.

Are you interested in
all the same things?

- I'm not sure.
- You like Twister?

- Sorry?
- Twister! It's brill!

It's gonna be twistomatic, baby!

Pandora gets over-stimulated.
We do exercises nightly.

I've left pyjamas out for you.

They're pink... and clean.
Very, very clean.

Are they nicely gooey?

I'm certainly hoping so.

Heavenly.

You know,

You know, I'm wondering if if you aren't
a little bit naughty, Effy.

I am.

I bet you're naughty enough to try these
brownies with me before anybody else.

I'll try anything.

Okay, then. Let's dive in.

I love brownies. I love them.

Twister.

Are you shitting me?

Don't worry.

I spiked the chocolate brownies
with MDMA.

- You what?
- Yeah.

Appreciate it, OK. There's
fucking 40 quid's worth in there.

- You think it's funny?
- It is kind of.

Yeah, enter into the spirit, Ems.

So, Katie, you gonna be nice to me now,
we're Twister pals?

I promise not to grab your minge
and everything.

Hands off the muff and we're sorted.

Gotcha, no buffing the beaver.

No groping the growler.

Don't tickle on my tinkle.

- Okay, I won't fluff up your flange.
- You done?

We're double done with the DNA dump.

Hey, guys!
What do you think?

Mum made them specially, and look!

- Jesus.
- So you can have Sexy Poo...

or Brainy Poo.

Except for me, cos I have Panda Poo!

Mum and me sewed 'em on.
It was a wacker job, I'm telling you.

- I'm not wearing that.
- Why not? It's a pyjama party.

- What the fuck? Give it here.
- Whizzer poo!

Because look what goes with them.

Isn't Mum wick?

- Are they getting undressed?
- They're not.

Why would they get undressed?

Can I remind you

that Pandora's party is specified
as a girls-only event.

And you know what that means?

Of course I do.

So I'm not 100% sure what it means.

So let me enlighten you, Double J.

Pyjama party means only one thing:

- girls getting friendly.
- Friendly?

Real friendly.

Hang on. Even I know
that only happens in overblown

and possibly illegal teen dramas.

Mum says there's a lot less sex
going on than I might imagine.

You never experienced
wish fulfilment, J?

Never.

They're all in there,

girls getting to know each other,
experimenting, getting lubed up

and gagging for forbidden fruit
and we're gonna give it to them.

If Freddie was here...

Do you see Freddie?
Did we invite Freddie?

- And why didn't we invite him?
- Because he's a fun-sponge?

You got it.

You see?

It's a sign.

I'll call the police.

Come on!

This is a fantasy and I have
to tell you, a poorly constructed one.

Because I have a natural facility
on a climbing wall...

Get in there. Come on,
we need to see them doing it.

For the last time,
they won't be doing it.

They won't be naked, or engaged
in mutual masturbation...

- Check.
- What?

I'm requesting a check.
Is that too much to ask of a friend?

- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God, oh, my God!

What... What?

- They're n... na...
- Please say naked.

- Nearly naked.
- That's good enough.

What the fuck?

- Come on, Eff, pyjamas.
- Whatever...

I can't hang on.
I'm going to slip!

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Tummy. Too much cake...

Mum, look. We're pretty in pink!

That's wonderful, girls.

I must compliment myself, though.

My brownies are usually delicious,

but I've really excelled myself.
This is my third already.

I'm gonna have three.
Thanks, Mum.

Yeah, sure...

Listen to that.

Can you hear the music?

Mum?

Oh, that's beautiful.

It sounds...

- What's she doing?
- Wonderful.

I'm getting it!

I'm telling you.

That is fucking good shit!

What have you done?

Eat a cake, Panda.
It's gonna be a long night.

I'm telling you, man.
We gotta fucking get in there!

Freddie says, every time you ask me
to do something, just say no.

- He said that?
- Yes. It's a song

which gives useful lifestyle advice
but it's also a state of mind.

Maybe me and Freds will have words.

But somehow, Gay J,
I'm going to this party.

You coming?

Just say no.

Suit yourself, Gay J.

Oh, balls!

Freds, you gotta get down here!
We've gone to Nine.

- Nine?
- Affirmative.

It's a Niner. Code Red.

- He's going in.
- Stop him, JJ. Stop him!

Result.

- Oh, God...
- Dump her in here! Dump her in here!

Shit! Fuck!

That was so...

So fun.

Is she breathing?

Safe.

Oh, man!

- Panda, come on! Let me in.
- Go away!

It was a joke.

It wasn't even me!

You always bog everything up!

It's always you!
You do everything you like

just because you're depressed cos
your mum's getting wacked up the pants!

Well, bogging bog off!

This is my party and I'm upset
because my boyfriend got deported

and you're supposed to be playing
and eating jelly

and playing Twister at my party

and telling me how to pop my cherry
with my boyfriend...!

Christ's sake, I'll show you
how to do a blowjob.

I don't want a blowjob.

I want my boyfriend back!

I was just...

She's upset.

Do I ever get to be upset?

Do I ever get to be anyone but me?!

- Fuck off!
- Wait. Effy, just...

For Christ's sake!

Get Cook out. Don't get arrested.

They will not be naked.
I'm going in.

Where you going?

Wine. I want wine.

Hurry up with it!

Get beer, lezzer!

All right, all right!
Keep your vagina on.

So... What do you want, Ems?

Pinot Grigio, or...

cider oblivion?

Anything...

Just give me a fucking...

Just... Just give me a...

It's only the drugs, right?

You liked that.

You're gay.

Oh, my giddy, giddy, giddy...

aunt!

Shit.

Where are you, girl?
Which fucking house, girl?

What's going on, kidder?

The lads!

Shit.

Pyjama party, check it out, lads.

Nice one!

You're not meant
to be here, remember?

Come on. Have a heart.
We lost 7-0 again, innit?

You know the lads... Tommo...

Marco... How you doing, man?

Jonno... Sambo... Keeno...

Danno...

Paedo!

Nice...!

Sorry.

The fucking door's
locked itself, hasn't it?

- You should've pulled.
- I will now, won't I?

Is this the cupboard
for mindless sex?

You don't give a fuck
about anything, do you?

Go away.

Go away.

Please.

I want my boyfriend.

Wait.

Hang on. Don't push.

- I wanna...
- Wait! There's something here.

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Are we...?

Are we next door?

We're next door.

Hello. I'm Martin.

This is Angela.

And this is how we have sex.

- That's lovely, Angela.
- Thank you, Martin.

- Could you rub a little bit harder?
- Certainly.

You! Yes, you.

I've called the police, you know?

I'll be giving Angela a report
when she gets back.

Right.

It's nearly nine o'clock...
Disgusting.

Absolutely shocking,
what you kids get up to.

Shocking!

Throw me through the ceiling!
Throw me through the fucking ceiling!

Got locked on, Freds.

It's gone to a 12... easy.

It's all right. It's all right.

Come on. We're gonna leave, come on.

Yeah? All right?

I didn't want to leave without him.

It's an international incident.
I thought he was gonna...

- I didn't want to leave without him.
- Fuck him, JJ.

You came.

JJ gets locked on.
You have to look after him.

I thought Cook...

Cook's his friend.

I think Cook's your friend,
isn't he?

Not necessarily.

You'll never guess
what Pandora's Mum...

We're going home, Eff.

Where's Pandora?

Come on.

I didn't mean to fuck everything up.

My parents are splitting up.

I'm sorry.

I got trashed.

I'm sorry about that.

It's shit.

All right, Panda?

We're the last ones standing.
No-one's got any stamina these days.

Right.
Whizzer.

I wanted to play Twister...

and then the girls were gonna
tell me how to do sex.

Bummer.

How do you do it, anyway?

You know, you've done loads of sex.

No, Twister.

Well, you spin the dial...

and then you put your hands
and feet where it tells you.

Hand, there.

Right. Now me.

Over here.

You gotta move that and that.

That!

Okay, put your hand on yellow.
Is it on there?

Do you want me to show you?

What?

You know...

You really are beautiful.

So are you, Mum.

I wanted to be...

one more time.

See ya later.

Any good?

I don't know what you mean.

I mean he's a sensational fuck,
yeah?

There's a lot of things
you don't know about me, Eff.

Just cos I'm useless,
don't mean I'm nothing.

We're friends because you don't
surf-and-turf my men. You said that.

He's not yours, Eff.
He'll never belong to anyone.

- Shut up.
- That's why you don't really want him.

- He's not the one you want.
- Shut up!

I know that because I'm your friend.

But you don't make
enough effort, Eff.

I'm just there to laugh at.

You don't know me.

My life.

My family. My Mum.

Why don't you know anything
about my Mum?

I know everything about yours.

You're right.

I don't know anything
about your Mum.

I'm sorry.

Jesus...

What?

Careful what you wish for.

Why?

Look, I'm here!

It's me.
Are you not glad to see me?

Mother said I could come back.

What's wrong?

Don't be a twat, Thomas.

Give your girlfriend a hug.

I missed you...

I missed you too much.

It's okay.

Everything is okay.

Everything is A1.