Skins (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 2 - Cook - full transcript

Synchro: mpm, Arrow

Get on home...

Dude, calm down a bit
It's like 5 o'clock.

Neighbours hasn't even started yet.

Actually, no, no sorry.

I'm so fucking stoked, man.

I'm 17 today!

That's an event horizon,
that's a milestone.

Isn't 18 traditionally the age...

Fuck tradition.

Just hope some people tum up.



- They'll come.
- You invited half the college.

All I know is that it
involves my dick getting damp.

What are you looking at,
you posh student bastards?

Fuck off back to playgroup.

Fucking wankers, come here.

Come here...

Come on, leave it Forget 'em.

Ah, we're here.

- Hello boys.
- All right, Christina.

Ay, ay lads,
here's the birthday boy.

- Did you do all this?
- Took me a long time,

a good forty, forty five minutes.

You all right?

Touch of pain in the privates,
it's the old whore wound.



Nothing I can't handle.

These are me boys, Freddie, JJ.

Boys, this is Uncle Keith.

Pull my finger!

You dirty old bugger!

- If you'd be so kind, Christina?
- Right you are, big boy.

And when I woke up,
the pool was three feet deep in piss.

Mum, I shouted, don't jump in!
But it was too late.

So, you and the Buxton Rovers under 21s
managed to do that in one night?

Just me, the lads,
and a shit load of all-inclusive mild.

And they never pinned it on me.

Plus, you got to remember,
this was 1962.

I mean, Pontin's was a fairly
permissive place back then.

Bit like Afghanistan in the 70s.

But with the Krankies
and slightly more Taliban.

Tell that one where you hit Dylan over
the head with a box of fish fingers.

Another time.
I've gotta go and see a man about a dog.

A dog filled with drugs.

See you boys.
Oh, happy birthday, Cookie.

That, my friends,
is what you call a legend.

To who, exactly?

- What?
- Who is he a legend to?

Me.

Blokes in pubs. Christina.
People.

- I think the guy's crazy.
- Exactly man.

Exactly.

Same again please, Christina.

Look, man. Look at that quality totty.
That's top shelf shit.

Guys, guys, hey baby...

I'm so happy to introduce you
to my legendary night out

in celebration of my birthday.

- Apart from you.
- But I...

what are you doing here!
You burnt my house, man! Get out!

What the fuck!

I'm 17 today, so all bets are off.
Do what the fuck you like.

Flush your mates down the toilet.
Eat grapes off each other.

Smash speakers over your heads.

If partying's a crime,
who's gonna get arrested first?

Let's go fucking mental!

Party people!

Thanks man, thank you very much.

What's next?

Oh, yeah. More drinks! More drinks!

More drinks! More drinks!
More drinks! More drinks! Yeah?

- He's fun.
- You have no idea.

He's had half a bottle of vodka.

Really? How crazy!

Tequila! Who's in?

- Anyone else?
- Yeah, go on then.

Airwolf.

Let's go, man.

- Do you wanna see your birthday trick?
- Lay it on me, magic man.

One pint of normal drinking water.

You'll like this one.
I've seen it before.

What? He does magic?

Shazam, motherfucker!

- Cook, what you doing?
- That's minging.

- What is wrong with you?
- Yes! Come on!

Someone's been drinking...

milkshake?

- Strawberry milkshake. Am I right?
- Yes. How did you know?

Am I ninja, or am I not a ninja?

Christina, we've had rejection.

We need a bucket,
a mop and 16 shots of tequila!

Great,

it's the lesbian come to gay us up.

- I've told you to fucking...
- Leave it.

Hi, everyone.

- Want to know a secret?
- What?

I know the cure.

The cure for what?

It's my cock.

What the hell are you talking about?

Hey, look what I made.

Cake! Top, man, fucking top!

- It's double chocolate chip cookie.
- Cheers, girl.

Cake. My cake! Mine!

Fucking good, man...

Thank you, man.

- You OK?
- Yep. Totally cool. Just a bit...

you know,

full.

- Can't believe you ate the whole thing.
- Someone had to get this party started.

Party? Do you call this a party?

Where's the conversation?

Where's the dancing?
Where are the men?

- We're men.
- You're boys.

Do you want to measure my dick?
It's daddy-sized.

So you lot think
this party's shit, yeah?

It's a little bit...

- It could be...
- It's shit.

Shit.

Something's got to happen, man.
Something big.

Come on, man.

I'm ready! Just tell me when.
Give me a sign!

What?

But where are you, I can't hear...

I don't have anything, OK?

- Who is it?
- My sister, Karen.

Tell her I said hi.

No, I haven't got anything, OK?
You'll have to find your own.

No, I don't have any drugs! Bye.

- Why couldn't you hear her?
- She's at a party.

Her mate Kayleigh's getting hitched.

So it'll be free bar,
free entry, that kind of thing?

Yeah, I suppose, why?

No way!

Why not?

Cos my sister's there, and I don't want
to see her. Plus, she doesn't like you.

Why not? I'm always touching
her and flirting with her.

Her tits stand to attention
when I'm around. I've seen it.

Listen to me, we're not going.

No. No way.

Come on everybody, cos

yeah, we're going to a party!

All right?

- Not coming in.
- Why not?

Private party.

Plus underage.
Plus don't like look of you.

Not coming in.

Listen to me, robot.

You may rank way above me
in tems of strength and size,

Now can you let me in?

Not coming in.

Listen, fate has brought me here.

Do you understand?
You're not letting fate in the club.

It's not like fate
is wearing trainers.

Fate just wants a couple of drinks,
a little dance.

And fate is actually also desperate
for the toilet. Now can we come in?

How about you fuck off?

How about you're a fucking cock?

I'll fucking break
your fucking face, mate!

- What?
- I'll fucking break your fucking face.

You'll get your fucking
head kicked in here!

- Come on! Fucking prick.
- Just chill out, yeah?

I don't think he's
going to let us in.

He's just an obstacle.
We're meant to go this party.

Fate'll sort it. Just wait.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Hi, Karen.

- It's private.
- Don't be like that, sis'.

- It's Cook's birthday.
- Unless you've got drugs, fuck off,

- and take your friends with you.
- Come on Karen.

I'll make it up to you, I promise.

Yeah. Look, it's not my decision.
It's her party.

I'm getting married.

Congratulations.

Jesus.

Will you let us in?

Well, there is a pretty
strict dress code.

How strict

exactly?

Let's cock and roll, baby!

Isn't it lush?

- Daddy says nothing's too good for me.
- You got that right, babe.

So, who you marrying?

Oh, just some guy.

- He's a bit of a twat,
- Cheers, man.

When she said "party"...

You thought she meant an acid-fuelled
sex rave without the Mancunians.

- This is more...
- Jelly and ice cream.

Get it down you, girls.

Top freebies, yeah?
Love it.

Gross. I hate champagne.

- Why you fucking drinking it, then?
- It's free.

Dad!

Hi! This is Cookie...

Finish your drink, kid.

Have as much as you like.

Nothing's too good
for my Kayleigh... Right?

Right.

And I wouldn't want anything
to ruin the evening...

drop the tone...

Anything at all.

OK?

Right you are.

Enjoy.

Kayleigh. You're almost a woman...

Thanks, Daddy.

Almost.

See you around, Cookie.

- You twat. Didn't you know?
- Fuck it, man.

- I'm just getting started.
- What's the fuss?

- He's Johnny White. The gangster.
- Yeah. Legend.

- He murdered 2 nuns over a pint.
- Allegedly.

I hear he stabbed a policeman
in the neck with a stuffed guillemot.

That's so not true.

It was a puffin.

So.

Who's for narcotics?

- Me.
- Me.

What?

I've decided I love drugs.

- What is it?
- Uncle Keith's special blend.

A hallucinogenic opiate
and stimulant.

Four hours of
THC giggles and MDMA highs

with a transcendental kicker.

- Sounds good.
- Well, come on, then. Jesus.

All in good time, babes.

Weird girl?

Hold that.

Fuck's sakes,
are we getting any or what?!

No, no. Wait!

Hang on, what you doing?

What?
Was that wrong?

- Did you just swallow my drugs?
- She's fucking finished it!

- It tastes horrible!
- You're not supposed to eat it!

It goes up the nose, you twat.

Let's go fly a kite, girl!

What about us?

You can drink some of the weird girl's
blood, she's like a walking syringe.

- My mouth's gone all numb.
- I'm not surprised!

We've done ours, let's go!

Come on Panders, we're out of here.

I said
you shouldn't have let them in.

- Where's the love?
- You're a wanker, james.

You will get us some more,
won't you, Cookie?

Cos if you could,

that would be

God

really, really great.

- I need more class A drugs, quick.
- Why?

Cos that Kayleigh girl
just gave me the look.

- What sort of look is that?
- This one.

Right I see what you mean.

Freddie,
we've got to get this man some drugs.

Why?

Do the look.

- What does that mean?
- It means I'm getting laid tonight.

Please, not Kayleigh.
Think of me and JJ.

- You're not fucking her.
- I thought you liked Effy.

Yeah, she's a peach. But I already
tapped that top-dollar shag.

She's my last resort sure thing,
I reckon.

You shagged Effy?

Come on, Freds.

- When?
- First day I met her.

Why didn't you tell us?

Because apart from those times
when my cock is up your ass,

you have no reason to worry
about where it is the rest of the time.

But...

... JJ likes her.

I was going to ask her out I mean,

- she seemed like she liked me.
- You snooze, you lose, dude.

I've got a snake in my dick
that's about to throw up.

- Wait!
- What?

- Where are you going?
- Home.

Don't go.

Why not?

I dunno.

Because...

Why does your sister think I'm gay?

Sorry.

See you around, Emily.

Thank you. Yes, please.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

The father of the bride,
Mr Johnny White.

So...

My daughter's getting married and
she couldn't have chosen a nicer bloke,

Steve Heston.

Unfortunately, he couldn't attend today
without violating his probation.

He couldn't be here himself, but he is
represented by members of his family.

Welcome, Hestons. No more rucks.

No more knives. No more pliers.

We're gonna be tight
as a badger's bum.

The Whites and the Hestons brought
together in the marriage bed,

still fucking each other,
but in a good way.

Come up here, sweetheart.

You've kept yourself pure
for so long for this task of peace.

In times of strife,
you've lit up my life,

and now you're gonna be
Steve's wife.

And I just want to say...

Don't she look a picture?

I could just eat her.

Right, charge your glasses
with free booze, and raise 'em.

Kayleigh and Steve.

Pandora, wake up, you dozy cow.

Hi. It's me.

I need a favour.

Uncle Keith!

All right, Cookie?

- Cheers.
- Not a problem.

There you go.
Direct from Weston-super-Mare.

- You're a lifesaver, Keith.
- Gotta go, Cook.

Gotta see a dog about a bone.

A bone that is my cock.

Get it out, then.

Not that. The drugs, idiot.

Thank you.

Is that all you're doing?

That was a hamster-sized bump.
Don't you want any more?

OK, I'll see you later!

- What? I thought we were gonna bone.
- And what made you think that?

You've had the drugs and you
gave me the look.

- What look?
- This one.

- What the fuck?
- The "I'll fuck for drugs" look.

- Now stop arguing and get on my cock.
- What?

- Blow me, then. My dick is clean.
- I don't care!

Hand-job?

But you've got to let me have a go on
your tits whilst you're doing it.

Listen...

If anyone's going to get
a lick of my fanny,

they'll have to impress me.

So... if you do...

I'll let you stick it anywhere.

My tits,

my arse,

my armpit...

anywhere.

You're filthy.

Yes, I am.

And look, no knickers.

See ya!

- What's he doing now?
- Is he going to sing?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
dedicate this to a very special lady.

Shit. This is going to be bad.

I'm upset, Cookie.

You made me look like a fucking idiot
and I'm not used to that, you know?

Are you sure?

Stick him up on there.

I wanna teach this fucker
a lesson he'll never forget.

See. You tried to ruin
my lovely party.

And now,

really

really bad things are gonna happen.

It was worth it.
Her tits were mint.

He's very sorry.

I'll take him home,
and we're leaving.

We don't want to upset
your beautiful daughter any more.

You're right.

She is beautiful.

It's your lucky day.

Let him go.

Not like that, you tossers!

My fucking dress!

Fucking hell, Johnny,
you fucking told... oh, fuck.

Look at my tracksuit,
you weasely little prick!

What'd you say?

You're a weasely cunting prick!

You fucking Hobbit!
And we've all fucked your daughter.

Ain't we, lads?

What'd you fucking say?

OK. That's far enough.

Cool party!

Cheers.

You're fucking unbelievable.

I needed to get laid, man.

You're always fucking
trying to get laid.

I try. I succeed. Right?

Speaking of which,
any of you girls fancy it?

No, thanks.

You're repulsive!

Weird girl.

You're beautiful, but no.

My tuppence feels all funny.

How about it then, Peachy?
Looks like it's just me and you.

Come on, Amy winehouse. Home.

See ya!

Come on, we'll go somewhere else.
Somewhere with women.

- I ain't going anywhere.
- Why the fuck not?

I'm tired.
I'm going home, all right?

It's two o'clock. What the fuck are
you talking about, "you're tired"?

I'm tired of you, mate.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I can't look
after you any more.

I can't do it.

Fuck you then!

Go on, fuck off home!

Coming then?

Sure.

Let's go find some fucking women.

What is this place?

It's just a club.

Late night thing, you know?
Lots of girls. Friendly.

My stars and garters!

All right, my lover?

Looking for a sex dance?

- You like Frankie?
- Hello, darlings.

She's double jointed.

So?

Slinky! But we're actually after...

the other service.

Bit of the other?

Stepping this way, please.

The other service?

Tonight's your lucky night, Gayjay.
You get to lose your virginity

to an odds-on
moderately pretty girl.

- I'm not sure I want to.
- Listen to me.

Are you a fucking
scrawny little mousy queer boy,

or are you a man with a functioning
set of cock and balls?

- The second one.
- Good. Come on, let's get our fuck on.

What sort of thing
are you looking for?

- I'd like a woman with big tits.
- And you?

Same thing.

But not too big, right?

I know the perfect girls for you.

Amber!

Megan!

All right, gorgeous?

This way.

And Megan. Here she is.

Curly hair!

So, will you let me
do anything I ask you?

Anything. But it'll cost you, mind.

- How much to whack you up the cracker?
- Hundred.

That's a lot more than I've got.

How much for your straight ahead,

run of the mill,

- bread and butter shag.
- 75.

- What if I'm really good?
- It don't make no difference, darling.

- I'll guess I'll have a hand-job then.
- All right.

This your first time then?

You got cash on you?

Right. Tick sharp!
Clothes off, we'll get you started.

Come on then,
let's have a look at it.

You don't have to do anything
you don't want to.

Could I... kiss you?

We don't do kissing.

That's all I want to do.

Sod it.

Come on then.

Could you... show me how?

- I've never really...
- You've never kissed a girl?

My mum. My Aunt Lucy.

- Right. Aunt Lucy.
- I'm sorry.

Come here.

That was nice!

- Much better than Aunt Lucy!
- Want to do it again?

I don't mind.

Jesus, Amber,
you've got liquid fucking fingers!

- You like that, yeah?
- I like it very much.

- Harder!
- Harder!

You like that?

- Harder!
- Who's that?

- Is that...?
- That's just Johnny.

Greta's regular. Seven inches.

Freaky foreskin. Big tipper.

- Naughty boy!
- Wicked!

Sorry if you're fucking,
sorry if you're fucking...

What kind
of fucking gay shit is this?

You're supposed to be banging her,
not canoodling!

- Sorry.
- Pay the girl, JJ.

Something's come up,
and I'm not talking about your willy.

No charge.
I can't charge for a kiss.

Really?

Actually, no.
That'll be a tenner, please.

What's going on?

- You like that?
- I like it!

- Madame Greta, say Madame Greta!
- Madame Greta!

Electrocution!

Behind this door

is opportunity!

- Enough!
- Not enough!

What do you mean? Who's that?

Now you stay here, naughty boy.

- I'm gonna get the barbed wire.
- Quick, hide!

Yes, Madame. Thank you.

Right. Come on.
You're my witness!

To what?

This is gonna blow your mind!

Fucking hell!

Look who it is!

Say cheese!

What the fuck are you doing here?

We're visiting.

- Look at you!
- Fuck off. I'm busy!

Shut the fuck up, or I'll fucking
punch you in your fucking cock!

So. Who'd have thought
big bad gangster man Johnny White

likes to be spanked
like the naughty boy he is?

I like spanking.
What's your problem?

You ruined my chances of sleeping
with two girls tonight

- by making me look stupid.
- So?

So, once I show this little Kodak moment
to everyone I know,

you're gonna look stupid, and I'll be
a legend for managing to take it.

This is mine now!

See you around.

You don't have the balls
to show that photo.

- What?
- I said,

you don't have the balls
to show that to anyone.

Right?

You're a fucking
helpless little pussy.

- Watch me.
- Do you know who I am? What I can do?

You heard what I said, boy.

- Why don't you say it once more?
- You don't have the fucking balls!

Turn it off...

Come on, let's go!

- Does your mummy know where you are?
- What?

Your mum.

I bet you're the apple
of her cunting eye.

Shut up. Don't speak about my mum.

I think you came here to see her,
didn't you?

Shut up!

Because your mum is a fucking slag!

Shut up about my family.
You don't know me, so shut the fuck up!

- That's enough! Cook!
- Do you know who I am?

- What I can fucking do?
- Please, stop it!

- I'm Cook! I'm fucking...!
- Stop it!

Stop it, man!

It's me!
It's JJ!

Fucking shit...

Fucking bastard...

Fucking shiL...

Fucking cunt...

Kid, kid!

I like you, kid.
You're all right.

Shut up!

The next time I see you,

you're dead.

What the hell are you doing?
It's 6am. It's Saturday moming.

- Everyone's asleep. Including me.
- Wait! Wait!

What?

I need to speak to you.

I'll meet you in the shed.

Jesus, man.
Have you not stopped drinking?

Don't be a cock about it
I've been up all night.

- So what are we doing today, then?
- You hear what I said last night?

Come on, man.
You were just in a bad mood.

I was.

Cos you almost got us killed.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

You're apologizing?

That's a first.

Something happened.

I wasn't me.

I was me.

I don't know.

- I did something stupid.
- That's nothing new.

Something really stupid. Something
I wouldn't have done if you was there.

Right.

You've come here to ask
me to look after you all the time.

Make sure you don't do
anything stupid ever again.

Something like that.

- What?
- I'm not going to do that.

- Why not?
- Cos lately,

- it's like you go looking for trouble.
- I wouldn't say I go...

Do you want to die, mate?
Is that what you want?

You're drinking yourself to death,
you're fighting gangsters.

I don't even want to know
what happened last night.

You're killing yourself to impress
some pissed-up old wanker in a pub.

Why are you smiling?

Because it's us...

isn't it?

Me, you and JJ.

Best mates for life.

You're not taking me with you, okay?

I fucking love you, man.

I fucking love you to bits.

But you've got to stop
all this crazy shit.

Shut it, you pussy.

Are you here

for business

- or pleasure?
- Sorry?

Let's get this started!

Hang on.
He's pushing dope at my fucking shindig!

You're African, come on!

Fuck off out of my...

I want you to see what kind
of man you're dealing with, Thomas.