Skins (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 1 - Everyone - full transcript

Transcript: chocolate

Synch: Arrow

Fuckers.

Fredster!

This stuff is fucking rubbish,
by the way.

Stop stealing my fucking spliff!

Morning, gents,
you thieving bastards.

Come on, I got you some breakfast.

They allowed to serve lager
at 8 in the morning?

I had a word...

JJ's got some interesting thoughts
on the benefits of Carlsberg



as part of a balanced
dietary pattern.

Calorifically it's right up there
with 392 energy units,

which is nothing
on the Snickers Duo I'm having

which has the additional drawback
of 28 grams of fat.

Although I can call upon
1.2 grams of fibre,

which doesn't feature
in your lager. However,

you could argue in some sense that
hops constitute one of your five a day.

That'll do me.

You not having that, Freds?

That's his fourth so far.

Is that a good idea?
We've college in half an hour.

You'll be carrying an
attention deficit into the day.

Attention deficit?
Intelligence deficit!

Pig!



Maybe I won't go then.

You're going to bunk off
your first day?

Mate, the sun's shining.
We're bevvied, spliffed and sorted.

Feels like the beginning
of something. So I'm waiting.

- For what?
- The signal.

- We're starting college.
- We're waiting.

- Something's gotta start us off.
- You're running

a randomised fate model to determine

when you continue
in full time education?

I need motivation.

And it needs to be better
than sitting in the sun, with you two,

drinking beers
and smoking your blow. Jensie!

Have the same again?

And sling a couple of them
cherry shots on top?

Cheers, darling.

I can feel it!

It's got potential, this day.

It's pregnant.

Shouldn't someone pick up
that bike before it causes an...?

For fuck's sake!
Jesus shit!

Where the fuck did that...?
What the fuck?

Look at it! Look at it!

Look at my fucking car!

You saw that, didn't you?
Did you? Did you see it?

I don't know.
You drove into the bollard.

I did not!

The fucking bike
jumped out in front of me!

You must have seen it, you're
my witness, right? Are you blind?

Why is everyone round here
fucking blind?

- I'm doing nothing...
- That girl's looking at you, Freddie.

- Maybe she's looking at me.
- She's not looking at you, JJ.

Nice hair.

She's got nice hair and nice eyes.

- And nice breasts, probably.
- Shut up, JJ.

Nipples.

We'll just imagine her bottom.

Where's your fucking
white stick, woman?

She's absolutely lovely.

You are as stupid as you look!
Ah, for fuck...

- I want your mobile number.
- I don't have one.

Your fucking email address, then!

Look at the state of my fucking car!

You must have seen something,
you demented bint!

What...
What happened?

Is that your bike,
you fucking idiot?

I was signalling...
you just kept coming...

I didn't even see you!
You came out of fucking nowhere!

I was trying to make you see me.
You just kept coming, man!

- No. That's bollocks. No. Listen!
- You fucked my bike.

- You just ran straight through me.
- That is not right!

You haven't got a witness.

Nobody saw me
knock you off your bike.

I did.

It was just like he said!

You ran him over,
and now he's bleeding.

Profusely.

Perhaps we should call a policeman.
{\I think }It's a crime to leave the scene of a...

There's no need for that.
I'm sure we can sort this out.

Let me buy you a new bike...
Look, here. Come on, take it!

Take it! Come on, have the lot.
Have the whole fucking lot! Bollocks!

Forgive and forget, okay?
Forgive and forget, okay?

- All right.
- Everything all right, Gran?

Just a slight problem,
all sorted out now.

He's a pillock, he wrapped
his car around that bollard,

and he's called me a demented bint.

What the fuck did you say
to my Gran, man?

Hello, nice to meet you...

- Don't fucking, "Hello," me...
- Sweet.

Dad says some things are best
left to the imagination.

- But that's not right, is it?
- Your dad's a stupid tosser, JJ.

Do you think she's going
where we're going?

She is now.

Mum! Mum! Emily hit me!

- Emily? Are you hitting James?
- Sorry! Accident...

That was my bloody widdler!

Shut up or I'll tell her
what you were doing.

I've got a natural curiosity
for a boy of my age.

Fuck off. And I know it's you
stealing the knickers.

They better not be sticky
when I find them.

Get the fuck out of there, bitch!

- Mum!
- Who?

It's me, Emily.

Tell her to get out of the shower.
She's making me late for college.

Gotta dash. Remember to make
a packed lunch for James.

- Why don't you get Katie to...?
- Good luck at college.

Remember to smile.

Fucking hell!

You've used all the fucking water!

Jesus! Shit!

For fuck's sake!

You pervy little bastard.

She's gone to work, loser.

Fucking hell. How many times
are you gonna do that?

I need to wash my hair and you've...

I knew this top
would look fucking bad-ass.

It's mine.

Aren't you glad I made you buy it?

Get dressed, though.
We're gonna be late.

I dunno where you got this thong,
but it's properly cutting me in half.

- You could give it back.
- Sorry.

You know it doesn't
look as good on you.

There's Danny.

Hey, cutey!
I'm just coming.

I'm telling you, college? First day?

You need to get ready.

Cos we're not waiting for you.

- What about my packed lunch?
- Fuck off.

You shave your fanny
with Dad's Gillette Mach3.

So Tommo goes up the inside, right?

I drop back to cover
Marco and Keeno.

Took a one-two from Jonno,
he's gone, "Danno!"

So I drag back over the ball.

Looked up, chipped
the centre back... Boff!

Sambo's in on goal.

He's got a lovely sense of rhythm.
Where's your knickers, girl?

That's for me to know
and you to find out, Danny.

Nice one! Nice one, yeah?

Score one for me, honey.

Laters, babe.

See you, Danny.

Renault Megane Coupe!

Fucking bag...

Here, Ems?

You oughta spruce up, yeah?
Get some decent threads like Katie.

We're having a party in the Premier
Travel Lodge on Thursday.

Party fun, yeah? The lads,

they love a twin thing, you know?

That's sweet of you, Danny.
Can I get back to you on that?

Yeah, yeah. Nice one.

Are you Danny?
That gas-head footy player?

My mate Janice wants
you to sign her tits.

- Let me park up.
- Your boyfriend's well mint.

He's totally fit.

He took me to the Stakis Grand
last week for surf, turf and shots.

- Safe.
- I love Danny Guillermo.

- Lush. Good lush.
- Foxy.

- Cute.
- He's signing Samantha's tits!

Bonkers!

What's surf and turf, Eff?

Sex.

We'll have a whizzer time
at this college, Eff!

I'm definitely going
to have surf and turf, ASAP.

Mum says boys only want one thing
so my plan is give it to them,

lots of times. That way I'll get good
at it, be really popular

and maybe my toes
will stop throbbing.

Christ's sakes, Ems.
Come on, you loser!

What's wrong with you?
You're always lagging behind me.

Why can't you wear decent clothes?

Right.

- You hate her.
- Who do I hate, Eff?

- I'll let you know.
- Cool.

- Let's get this party started.
- You want a lollipop?

She smiled at me.

- Cool.
- She... didn't smile at you, JJ.

I think you'll find she did.

Mum was right. A lack of pubic hair
isn't necessarily a drawback.

It is a drawback.

Girls are more interested
in my character than my cock.

- That's just been proved.
- She was not looking at you.

Fuck me, you're blind.

On the contrary.
My eyesight is keen.

How many fingers am I holding up?

F...

- You always do that...!
- I've got so much cock hair

I can back comb it
and use it like a lure.

Nice.

Like a Porcupine.

Right, you're all prick.

- Toosh.
- You mean touche.

Probably.

- Tosser.
- Nice.

Here we go.

Welcome to Roundview College.

A meeting place for young people.

God help me.

Lovely kids. So full of energy.

Makes you feel alive.

They look like a right peck
of fuckers to me.

If I suddenly get a bit flushed
and short of breath,

- take over, would you, Doug?
- Why would you get flushed?

Just fucking do it, okay?

No problem. Flushed. Right you are.

Could I have your attention, please?

Yes, we are starting.

Attention!

Pay attention, look you!

Thank you, Doug.

Welcome to Roundview College.

We are a designated four star
educational establishment

under the National
We're All In It Together Initiative

leading to Ultimate Improvement status.

Anyone who screws that up
will be officially burnt at the stake.

- And expelled.
- Yes, and expelled.

God help you all, you're gonna get
some qualifications. Any questions?

Thank you.

Now before I turn you over
to your form tutors,

I'd like to tell you something about
the way in which we organise our...

Right! Very funny.

This is a further education college,
not a primary school.

Stop it! Stop it!

I'll cut your balls off,
you cheeky little turds!

You hear me?

I do apologise.

I think I might be at fault.

Too much rhubarb
on my Ready Brek. Havoc.

Right.

You are looking a little flushed.
Do you want me to...?

Last year, we had
some intolerable incidents

so, I want to make this
easy for you.

The following will result
in instant expulsion:

smoking on the premises,
setting fire to the premises,

consumption of alcohol
on the premises,

consumption of drugs on the premises,
consumption of pornography

on the premises, teacher abuse,
glue abuse, self abuse,

sexual intercourse with any other
student, teacher or animal

or combination of the above

including oral sex

and/or use of sex toys,
on the premises.

That was nasty...

Miss Reedy, our new head
of communications.

Miss Reedy is joining us from...

Where are you joining us from?

I had some time off.

Seven years.

It was stress-related but feeling
a bit better now, hopefully...

Oh, Christ.

Form...

BD1,

say your name, please, when I...

Put your hands up, please,
when I call your...

name.

Emily Fitch?

Katie Fitch?

Jonah Jeremia Jones?

JJ, present.

James Cook?

Elizabeth Stonem?

Mavis Jarundi?

Dob... rislawa W...

Wieczorek?
I'm sorry, you're foreign.

Frederick McLair?

Denise Adebeyor?

The integrity
of the unit is preserved.

I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind,
on account of the unwarranted violence.

All right, I said I'm sorry.

And...

Naomi Campbell?

Fucking hell...

Now I get it. You got
anger management issues.

- Only when I talk to wankers.
- Cool.

You gonna hit me
with your shoe now, or...?

I like her.

Christ. Same fucking form.

Sorry. I'm not a babe.

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

- Shut up, Cook. Sorry about him.
- Listen, trying to break the ice.

Guess what I've got tattooed
on my cock?

No, go on. Guess.

- What would you say?
- Excuse me?

Yes? What is it?

The boy next to me
is acting inappropriately.

How?

He wants to show me his tattoo.

- And not in a nice way.
- Right.

- You!
- Me?

Why don't you show us all
your pathetic tattoo?

We can wonder
at its magnificent stupidity.

I don't think you'd like it.

Right lad! Smartish!

You've had an instruction.
Show her the tattoo, now!

All right.

Wait. No, no, Cook, wait, no.
Please, please!

That is fuckin' impressive,
so it is.

Let me out!

Let me out! Don't make me stay.

Let me out!

This is unacceptable.

Unacceptable!

Silence.

Silence! Silence!

You, silence!

I do apologise again.

If I see your face
in this office again...

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

- Did she expel you?
- For what?

Getting your cock out in Assembly.

I'm guessing, but it's possibly
frowned upon.

- Even in the state sector.
- She understood the bind I was in.

I was doing what I was told.
Very accommodating.

There was something about removing
my bollocks with a monkey wrench

if she ever saw them again.

I think we reached an understanding.

Right. To business.

- You mean education?
- Women, JJ.

Women?

I mean, I feel like we might be...

I don't want to sort of run
before I can... walk...

Girls!

- There's a lot of them.
- Yep.

So much choice.
It's disconcerting.

No, it's just a matter of sorting
out the wheat from the chavs.

There we are.

And the wolf shall lie down
with the lamb.

You think she'd lie down with me?

Well, that line is wrong and popularly
misquoted. It should read:

"The wolf also shall dwell
with the lamb, and the leopard

"shall lie down with the kid,
and the calf and the young lion

"and the fatted calf together
and a little child shall lead them."

We'll try and pick
the bones out of that.

I could show her one
of my magic tricks.

Dad says it's an ice-breaker.

Let's try that out, then,
before we go leaping in,

and we can see
who gets the fatted calf, right?

Yeah, you.

Darling, my mate wants to try out
his pick-up routine on you. That okay?

I'm JJ.

Pack of cards.
Nothing funny about them.

Except one minute
they're blue and...

You don't mind
if I take this locker?

You can take anything
if you want it enough.

Great. Everything's new and I
suppose we should probably, like,

you know,
all get to know each other.

Why?

I dunno.

You definitely looked at me
this morning, twice.

I just thought, you know, maybe
we could get to know each other.

I look at lots of people.

That doesn't mean
I want to get to know them.

Do you want me to want
to get to know you?

I wouldn't mind.

Thing is, they want
to get to know me too.

- They're just wankers.
- They're your best friends.

- So they're my best friends.
- That makes it complicated.

I was hoping not.

I'm Freddie.

Tell you what, Freddie.

- Fill in a form.
- What's this?

A list of things
we're not allowed to do.

Like that head director said before
your bestest mate got his cock out.

I was gonna see if I could tick 'em
all before the end of the day. But...

this is much more interesting.

First one to fill
that out gets to...

get to know me.

And no cheating.

I'll need evidence.

Cos I wouldn't fuck a cheat.

Sorry?

Now watch very closely.

Where's it gone?

- Presto!
- Presto!

- Put that away before I lose it.
- Fuck me!

Yes, that's alarming.
So I'll just...

And the coup de grace.

Prestissimo!

Magic!

Question is, pet, does that make
you want to give JJ a blowjob?

Excuse me,
are you fucking deaf or something?

Yes, I am deaf.
So why don't you

give him a blowjob
if you love him so much?

Tossers.

Especially you.

Who are we speaking to here?

Pixie's lip reading.
I'm telling you what she says.

Right, right. Cool.

She's got tits like choccy Hob Nobs.

I'd like to dunk 'em,
suck 'em and lick off the love.

- I'm not sure...
- Droopy, lardy arse.

Bit spready, bit low slung.
You get me?

I think we've stumbled upon
a flaw in your thinking.

Listen... I mean, wait.

Hang on.

Presto. You're cunting
small-balled arsehole bandit.

She may be deaf,
she's also extremely rude.

It's bloody annoying
they put us in different forms.

I mean, I'm totally useless
and Mum says

I have to do Hair & Beauty,
but I'm good at Philosophy, too.

I can't understand
why I can't do Hair and Philosophy.

You can't cos it turns out Hair &
Beauty is one subject, not two.

Blooming Nora, how mad is that?

- It's inexplicable, Pandora.
- Yeah. Inexplicable.

- What does inexplicable mean, Eff?
- Can't explain.

All right! Suit yourself, then.

Hi, I'm Katie.

I'm Bruno and what do you know?

- Who's your friend?
- Pandora. You're a corker.

Thanks...

It's nice to... I got to go.

Strewth! Do you think he'd do
surf and turf with me, Eff?

- I'll ask.
- Gotta go.

Lesson one, practical skills.

Filing our nails - handy!

I'm Pandora. I'm useless.

Cute.

I'm Katie, that's my sister.

Aren't you Effy Stonem?

- Haven't you got a really cool brother?
- He's cool.

All my friends fancied him.
I wasn't so fussed.

Didn't he go mental?
Anyway I've got a boyfriend.

He plays for Bristol Rover reserves.

- Impressive.
- He's well lush. Let's sit together.

We can chat because, you know...

We're the best-looking in here,
really. Sorry but we are.

We should hang out.
Definitely.

Oh, no, here it comes.

Total lezzer bitch.

Excuse me.

Like, don't talk to her.

She tried to snog my sister
at middle school.

Pervy. Don't you think, Eff?

Watch out, Katie.
I might get confused

and fuck you with my big
strap-on by mistake.

Muff-munching bitch.

- Just jumped on you, didn't she...
- Leave it, Katie.

Whatever.

Come on.

We'll get the best seats, yeah?

So,

you the doormat, then?

Sort of.

Interesting,
that you just put up with that.

It's a challenging list.
You gotta give her that.

- Sex in school. Tricky.
- Guys, we are now seven minutes...

57, 58, 59...

- eight minutes late for form induction.
- Shut up, will you, JJ?

Do you think she's serious?

There's only one way to find out.

Wait a minute. You're not gonna...

I've already got
"teacher abuse" ticked.

And how! Your cock
should not be that colour.

The game is on, Freddie.
You wanna play?

- Don't be stupid.
- Tell you what, girls like Stupid.

- Ain't you worked that out?
- And McFly. Girls like McFly.

She's a naughty, naughty little girl

and I don't like to disappoint.

Someone's left their shit in here.

Nice!

Check this out!

Oh, my God. Cook,
I'm not sure if that's legal.

That's definitely not legal!

Dunno who this Sid guy was but
he's got fucking great taste in gash.

I can't look. Don't make me look.
I have to look.

Holy shit! That's forbidden.
Forbidden, verboten, interdit.

Prohibido, prohibido!

I'm sorry.

- Was I getting locked on, there?
- Locked on, JJ.

I'm all right. I'm fine.
But can I just remind you,

in a casual, non-locked-on way,
that we're late?

We're late, we're late, we're late!

Sorry.
I'm fine.

- We going?
- Hang on.

Shoot me.

The fucking camera. Go on.

Right, action.

- Cook, what the fuck are you doing?
- Action. Do it, man!

I was saving this for lunch
but what the fuck?

Cheers!

What the fuck are you doing?

Fuck me.

Sorted.

You are fucking mental.

Mental is as mental does.
But we're late.

Shall we?

Let's go.

Come on, run!

So, you see,

they don't mean it.
That's what you have to remember.

They're just kids.

Kids! Yes?

I suppose so.

They don't mean it.

Have you ever fallen off a horse?

You have to drink your milk and get
straight back on that horse.

Okay? Back. Yes?

Uggy uggy uggy!

What?

Kids.

Cheeky, immature.

Harmless. They can't hurt you. Okay?

- They can't hurt me.
- Good girl.

Saddle up!

Across firmly and round it off.

Across firmly and round it off.

Smooth the cuticle, push.

Remember to breathe.

Smooth the cuticle.

Push.

Smooth the cuticle.

Push.

I'm sorry...

We're filing. What is it?

Well, blimey this is fascinating.

Mega fun. But the thing is...
I have to get out of here.

Sorry?

I have to go because I've got
three super-duper zits coming on.

They're like... proper seepers.

Oh, my God!

Yes, Go!

For God's sake go! Refresh
and moisturise. Don't waste a second.

Refresh and... I'm on it!

Smooth the cuticle. Push.

Blooming 'eck. It's big out here.

Right.

Now... we've gotta...

Christ.

Fuck it.

Okay. Whatever...

We've gotta... stand up,

say our names

and a unique fact about ourselves.

Right. I'll start.

I'm Kieran

and I hate being
a fucking teacher. You.

I'm JJ and with regard
to mathematic aptitude

I'm in the top 0.3%
of the population

which is an interesting demographic
statistic because paradoxically

my communication,
interpersonal and intuitive skills

- are towards the lower quartiles.
- You've stopped me

in my fucking tracks there,
yeah. You.

I'm Katie.

I've never not had a boyfriend
since I was seven.

Congratulations. You.

I'm Emily.

- I've never had a boyfriend.
- Shit happens. You.

I'm Naomi.

I hate injustice.

People tell lies about me.

You at the back.

- I'm Kumir. I'm gay.
- Yup. Good. You.

I'm Max,
and both my parents are artists.

Great. I'm very very happy for you.
What about you? With the bling.

I'm Effy.

And I think
my mum's having an affair.

Good one. Shows enterprise.

What about you, big man?

I'm Freddie.

I met a girl I like today.

She's like...

beautiful.

That's it.

That's it? That's your unique fact?
That's just great.

Fascinating, Freddie,
thank you for that. What about you?

I'm Katie and
I had Frosties for breakfast.

Frosties, that's product
placement in my opinion.

You there at the back
beside the wee gay man?

My name's Nathan and seven members

of my immediate
family have been on Crimewatch.

Brilliant,
what a year this is gonna be.

I'm feeling rather shit. I think
I need to go to the Nurse's office.

Okay. Go on then.

Right. Where were we?

Oh, stuff it.
Let's just watch a DVD about...

Oh, Christ.

"How To Be Inclusive". Holy Mother of
divine shite, who makes up this shit?

Actually, Kieran,
I'm not feeling too well either.

My balls are aching. I might
have to go and see that nurse.

Right! Bugger off then.

- Cheers, Kieran.
- See if she can laser Jordan off them.

Right, how the fuck does this...

Can I be in this class?
I don't like mine.

Why not? Make up the numbers.
You doing some A levels?

One, please. Philosophy.

Okay, sit down.

When you've worked out the point of
living, come and fucking tell me.

Whizzer!

Where's Effy?

They don't have a nurse.

I just gotta get drugs.

And sex.

Grab my balls! Grab my balls!