Skins (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - Chris - full transcript

Where were we?
Michelle's annoyed with you.

Yeah, because my willy's gone
wonky and I'm a little bit mad.

OK. Anwar's acting weird.

If I didn't know any better

I'd say he's fucking
someone secretly.

That's your stalker, Maxxie!

And you went to Scotland
to see Cassie

and think she's off shagging
some Scottish guy named Lachlan.

Women, you know?

- And my dad's dead.
- Bummer.

Chris, got anything to offer?



Bubbles... go up,

and up and up and then...

- ... disappear.
- Hello, Sid.

Poof.

CHRIS

Let me see, Chris. Chris Miles?

Ah, just a minute...

Ah, good.

Chris. In life,
we're all walking down a path.

And when that path lacks direction,
that's when people get lost.

And we don't like lost people,

because no-one should get
left behind. Are you following me?

I'm a bit lost.

So glad we agree.



I'm afraid you can't
take your exams here.

Are you saying I'm being expelled?

I prefer the term "no longer
permanently affiliated."

- Why?
- It's less discouraging.

No. Why am I being kicked out?

Let's take a look, shall we?

The nurse's office. Three days ago.

I had a headache.

Are you peeing on the science block?

Nope.

That's my desk.

That's not even me.

- Ah, this is invasion of privacy!
- I'll cut to the chase.

We've no coursework from you
and the exams are about to start.

You're a shit student.

Your inevitably shit results
will affect my averages,

and I'll be swimming in a river
of shit and I didn't pack a snorkel.

We'll send you a letter saying when
you have to leave your student flat.

Look, this isn't right... Just...

Wah-wah!

Welcome to the real world.

Chris?

Chris!

Come on, Chris.

Wanna hear a joke?
What do you call nacho cheese?

Oh, shit. I got that wrong.

Shelley.

How does that nacho cheese joke go?

Right...

Right. OK. Bye!

What do you call cheese
that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese?

Have you heard it before?

I've got nothing, absolutely nothing.

It's not all that bad.

I've been kicked out of college,

I'm homeless

and I'm never going to see
Angie ever again.

Oh, dry your eyes, Princess.

Huh?

Maybe you should stop being such
a pussy and get off your arse

and go do something about it.

Oh, fuck it.

Right. Saying "fuck it"
works for you, then?

Not really.

Then maybe you should,
you know, try.

I do try!

- Don't I?
- No!

That's all you ever say - no.

- No way!
- Ah-ha! See? There you go.

Always saying no.
No to pills, to parties...

to me putting my hand on your gooch.

OK. OK.

So let's make a deal.

I'll start saying "yes",
and you stop saying "fuck it".

I'm gonna have to have that in
writing, I'm afraid. Use your pen.

Who says I've got a pen?

Jal...

will you buy me a falafel?

Yes.

Bollocks.

So, Derek,
let's see what we've got left.

Slough Metropolitan University,
Abergavenny Tech,

Cambridge Ringroad University...

Come in!

Bad time?

Derek needs to go away,
have a nice sit down

and consider his UCAS options.

Right, I've been to
the Job Centre, yeah...

And they're a bit...
well, they're all just fu...

Fuddy-duddies.

Yeah! They are fuddy-duddies.

Right. They're like, "Just
queue up here, fill in this box here,

"don't steal that."
It's a load of cra...

Cranberry juice!
Do you want cranberry juice?

Thanks.

Anyway, yeah, there's one lady there,
I've never met such a big fat bi...

Biscuit! Do you want a biscuit?

How can I help?

Well, I was thinking.

Seeing as you're a careers officer...

... I thought you could...

you know...

... help me get a job.

Oh! Yeah! Totally!

Yeah? Fucking ace!

Chris!... Swearing.

Let's get you a job!

What happened, Chris?

There's loads of these Chinese
lads flipping burgers there.

Me and Han Li
were having a spliff break,

and then Paul, the shift manager,
comes along.

And she said, "You can't do that."

Why not? It's pucking hard
getting people to talk to you.

I mean child abuse, it's a bit
depressing. So my theory was,

reel them in with the free porn,
then get to the serious stuff.

So I said, "Why can't people
bring their own glasses to the bar?"

No wonder this country's
turning obese.

But Morris said that was the job, and
if I didn't like it, I could puck off.

So I told him he was a
pitty boss and a pastard

and he could pucking shove his pub
polo up his pap's-eye, stupid prick.

I think one slipped
through there, Chris.

Stupid punt.

What are you going to do?

Do you remember them colouring-in
books when you were little, Jos?

I hated them.

If I'm going to do a picture
of a house,

I don't want someone else
telling me what it should look like.

I hate this conformist,
repressive society

and its stupid culture of conformity,
right.

You know, everybody listens
to the same plastic music

and does the same plastic job,

and dresses the same plastic way.

- I know, man. I know.
- Totally.

I mean, you're cool
because you've got drugs.

But most people just haven't got
a clue how they come across.

- Yeah, man.
- Yeah, that's right.

Look at this guy.
He is so mainstream.

I mean, nobody thinks
for themselves any more.

Individuality is dead.

Originality is a dirty word.

I mean, the only original thing left
to do is get totally fucking wasted.

Like us.

Go for it, man.

What are you doing?

Shotguns! You gotta try this.

What's up with your hair?

Why? Don't you like it?

No. No, no, no. It's fine. Really.

Right. Enough bollocks.

Time to get drunk.

Your turn.

Man like me don't even like beer but
I'm brap-brapping this all day, blood.

Brap brap brap.

OK. Yes.

Brap brap brap!

Fuck off!

Come, come, try again.

No!

What was that? No?

I don't have to say
yes to everything.

Um, I think you do.

Yo, that guy's hat is nang!

His hat game is strong.

Why don't you go get his hat for An?

What?

Go get his hat. Go on.

Easy peasy.

What?

Oh, my God! It's Cassie!

So what happened in Scotland? Did
you eat loads of deep-fried shit?

Did you get me a kilt?

Not an actual deep-fried shit.
But, you know.

Hi.

So how was it?

Oh, it was just... life.

But I want to hear all your gossip.

When did you two first
get together, by the way?

By his hospital bed?

Don't you know?

Lovely Sid and
lovely Michelle are fucking.

We're not...

Not in the way you're thinking,
anyway.

Don't lie, Sid.

I know your dad's dead,
but you can't just go around

doing whatever you want.

What's going on?

Cassie just said that Sid
and Michelle are doing it.

But Tony didn't know.
And neither did I. Or Chris.

Or Maxxie. Or you. Probably.

But, hey. Hey!

Cassie's back! Woo!

Tone...

Listen, Jal...

Why didn't you tell me?

It's awkward.

If you can't talk to your
best mate about it, then...

maybe it's not awkward
but completely fucking shit.

Do you want to get out of here?

It's beautiful here.

That was mental,
what you did tonight.

Brilliant mental.

Yeses are good.

Yeah. Yeses are good.

Yes.

Yes.

Don't forget your side.

Oh, I haven't. I made
50 quid off that powder tonight

so, er, life's looking up.

Where you going?

That's cheating.
I hate cheats, Chris.

My dad's a cheat.

What you doing?

Play the game, Chris.

I am.

There was a note on your door.

What's it say?

You've got to leave today.

Shit. Better pack my stuff up, then.

Is that it?

Where are you staying?

Oh, you know.

Nowhere.

It's fine.

See you around, Cass.

Your CV is... unusual.

We don't get many written
on cigarette packets.

I like to recycle.

By a few of your GCSE subjects,
you've put a question mark.

- I wasn't sure if they counted.
- Why not?

Because I achieved fail grades.

I see.

So. I'm looking for a trainee.

Somebody good with people, a talker.

I'm a talker.
I mean, I've been talking for...

Well, I don't know how long exactly,
but years.

And I know loads of words as well.

Like apivorous, for example.

What's that?

Someone who eat bees.

OK. Er... A little test.

Sell me this cup of tea.

Um, right. OK. Tea. It's...

... shit. Er...

Would you like to
buy this mug of tea?

No, thanks.

That's an interesting tie, can I...?
Do you mind if I have a little?

Sure I can't offer you that tea?

Here!

Right. Fair enough.

Just a teeny note.

That won't work with houses, OK?

Yeah, OK.

Everyone,
this is Chris, the new trainee.

Dave, Sarah, Dominic.

I'll have the papers sent
straight over. Bye-bye.

Goooooooooooo...

Brraaazziil caraaa!

Yabba doo-doo.

And Jon.

The sales table.

I'll let you get your bearings.

So what do you get if you win, then?
A pack of chocolate buttons?

Don't be stupid.

You get a balloon.

Looks like you're not
doing too well there, mate.

Yeah, well, first day.

Pah! That's what they all say.

Chris, is it?

Let me give you a bit of advice,
Chris.

I'm the Sir Alec round here, yeah?

Even if you signed Rooney, Ronaldo,
Wright-Philips, Adebayor,

you wouldn't have
the balls to get above me.

I wouldn't sell you
Rooney or Ronaldo, anyway.

Or Wright-Philips.

Or Adebayor. Yeah?

Not really that into football, so...

Poof!

Mrs Smith? Hi there.

Yes, looking good for you.

So as I was saying earlier,
the kitchen is a real deal maker.

If I could afford a kitchen like this,
my wife would never have left me.

And in here particularly,
we've got huge amounts of LSD.

It's not what you're
thinking, madam.

Light, space,

and drawers.

If you're still humming and hawing,

let me tell you a little secret.

The owners'll accept
20 below the asking.

Have we've got a deal?

I think we do.

Thanks.

OK, son. This next place has been
on the market for about a year.

It's spatially challenged so
it's a little tricky to rent.

Ball's in your court.

Don't worry,
it just needs the right patter.

Just wait till you see the kitchen,

it's a real deal maker.

If I could afford a place like this,
my wife might never have left me!

Whoops.

Sorry. Watch your, er, yeah.

Watch your feet.

So, this place
is great for doing LSD.

No, no.

Light.

Space.

And drawers.

Garden.

Can I tell you a secret?

What do you think?

Look, we've got electric lights.
On and off.

We've got luxury radiators.

We've got, like, four plug sockets!

I mean, imagine,
who'd need that many?

Like, Puff Daddy or someone.

Well, la-di-da.

Sure, it needs some stuff.

But structurally, it's...

Right, you dozy mare.
Get your fucking knickers off!

So you've got a job
and a flat in one day.

Yes, I did.

I think that's playing the game.

Yes, it is.

I think you deserve a reward.

No?

That word's banned.

Reward me.

What? Oh.

Oh. Wow.

Thanks for letting me stay, Chris.

That's OK.

Just for a bit, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, Jal.
Have I shown you the bedroom?

We're gonna have some
mad fun in here, eh, Jal?

Yeah. We will.

Yeah, there's gonna be
pills, and pucking and pillows.

Lots of pillows...

Chris and Jal.

Jal and Chris.

More couples.

More and more couples.

Have you ever been in love?

I don't think so.

Do you want me
to describe it to you?

OK.

Do you remember when you rode
with me in the ambulance

after I tried to kill myself?

Of course.

That's what love feels like.

We can arrange that, Mrs Collins.

Yeah... and may I say I'll be sorry
not to be speaking to you every day?

That's right. Yeah.

Yeah, sure, sure.

I'll call your solicitor first thing
in the morning about completion.

Can I have a word?

That's right. Oh, that's marvellous.

Many thanks. Bye-bye.

Goooo...

It's just you've
not sold anything yet.

You've been here a while now and...

No, no, I understand.

If there's anything I can
do to help, just let me know.

A muzzle, maybe?

He does sell properties, son.

Fuck off out of here,
you little prick.

Thanks for the duvet cover.

That's OK.

When you were little,

did you ever use to unbutton
the covers and get inside?

When you were young, did you ever
read The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

It's a classic.

It's about this caterpillar, yeah,
and he eats a load of stuff,

and then he gets in a cocoon
and becomes a butterfly.

And after my brother died,
whenever my parents were just...

you know, I'd get inside my duvet
and I'd just read it over and over.

And it made me think that

when I came out,
I didn't want to be different.

I just wanted what was
outside to be different.

And was it ever?

No.

I'm gonna get sacked, Jal.

The boss knows I'm a fuck-up.

Do you remember what you
wanted the house to look like

when you came out of the duvet?

Maybe you can sell that.

You're not a fuck-up, Chris.

Anybody got any poppers?

So this is the window
leading from the... windowy room,

into the... sofa-ry room.

This is so lovely.

But it's... just out of our budget.

I'm not sure we can pay the asking.

The owner won't budge, I'm afraid.

Then it looks like
we're wasting your time. I'm sorry.

Sorry, can I just...?

Money.

It's just bits of paper, or
numbers on a screen, innit, really?

But these walls, they exist.

If you can imagine memories
happening in them, then that's real.

I just...
I want you to imagine dying.

Right, I know it sounds weird
but just...

right, you're really old,
and you're in your bed

and you're remembering your life.

Right,
your daughter's first birthday.

Shagging on a Sunday afternoon.

Skinning up in the garden...

with the kids.

Right, when you do that,

is this the house that you
see in all those memories?

Cos if it is, then a few pieces
of paper here or there

don't really seem to matter.

You're right.

Really?

We'll take it.

Brilliant. Right, let's get back
to the office then.

- So what line of work are you in?
- We're erotic art dealers.

Nice one.

No, I'm good. The job's great,

Jal's beautiful,
and I've got a flat.

Did you get my present?

I never take it off.

I wanted to say thank you
for everything you've done for me.

Oh, Chris. I just gave you
the crayons. You drew the house.

I'll call you back.

This is the office.

This is the office div.

Let me get you some details.

You must really like your lunch.

Maybe you could find me a flat.

Oh!

Hello.

- It's nice.
- It is, isn't it?

Good location,
ceilings, walls and floors.

No, I mean it's nice
to see you again.

You look really good in a tie.

I'll take it.

The flat.

Right!

Right, good. Good.

She just kept on staring at me,
just like she always did.

It's not like anything happened,
it's just...

Chris, listen.

Right now's not a very good time.

Angie makes my pollocks tighten,
you know?

After all this time,
I still wanna fuck...

Chris, I've gotta go. Sorry.
Bye. Bye.

I'm really sorry
you had to hear that.

Oh, don't worry. It's totally cool.

OK. So, how can we help
you down your careers path?

I'm thinking of leaving school,

growing a beard
and joining the circus.

Eye of newt, toe of frog.

Wing of bat,

and tongue of dog.

Cass... what is this?

Punch for the housewarming party.

What party?

Housewarming party.

Bye, Tom!

It's Tim.

What are you doing
to yourself, Cassie?

Throwing myself to the wind.

Do you mind not throwing Chris, too?

Oh... wow.

But... fuck you.

Do you think I'm jealous?

Jealous of you and your boyfriend
and his ex who he's going to fuck

because she makes
his pollocks tighten?

What?

Angie's back.

He's seen her.

I've had my pain, Jal.

Yours is in the post.

What are you doing?

Chris!
You've been missing all the fun.

Yeah, what's going on?
Who are all these people?

We're having a housewarming party.

Where's Jal?

She's gone, Chris.

Where?

No. She's gone, Chris.

That's people.

We arrive, consume what we can
and then leave.

Like locust.

What you doing here?

I came with Anwar.
He's gone to get me some punch.

When are you going to stop
playing these games, Sketch?

Green doesn't suit you, Maxxie.

Sorry it took so long.
Tastes a bit funky, too.

Yo, blood.

What?

What is it, dude?

Have you seen yourself?

He looks proper lush.

Shut it, you!

You're fucking da-humped.

I was passing.

Ange.

Having a party?

Where's your girlfriend?

She's eating locusts. Or something.

Right.

Want to explore?

No.

Chris? I don't mind about her.

It's not the same, is it?

Chris, are you in there?

Chris, it's me.

I know you wouldn't do it, OK?
Chris...

Chris?

Jal!

Where you been?

Your shirt's inside out.

Jal...

Oh, it's, er...

We seem to have a small problem
with vermin.

Come through anyway.

Master bedroom.

Second bedroom.

I'm really sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.

Bye then.

Good luck, son.

I'm sorry I got you sacked.

Oh, it would have happened
sooner or later.

Where's Jal?

I dunno, Cass.

That's my fault too.

No it's not. That was mine.

Do you know what hurts the most
about a broken heart?

Not being able to remember
how you felt before.

Try and keep that feeling

because, if it goes...

... you'll never get it back.

What happens then?

Then you lay waste to the world...

and everything in it.

Again. Again, again...

Well done, well done.
You were last, but well done.

Off you go, son.
Go on, go on, don't panic.

Don't panic. Keep going. Come on.
Good boy! Good boy.

- Do you want some sandwich?
- No, thanks.

OK.

Tony. I've fucked it all up.

Again.

Shit, dude.
Try getting hit by a bus.

That'll really put
a dampener on your day.

Honestly, have some tuna sandwich.

It'll make you feel better.
Promise.

Bye, Tony.

See you next week, Anna.

Do you ever get depressed about...

your accident?

Used to.

But who does it help?

I had everything I wanted.
And lost it all.

Hurts like fuck.

But, Chris...

... I'm going to get it all back.

Piece by piece.

What else is there?

Fuck it!

Hi. It's me. Leave a message.

Hi, it's Angie.
Look, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have come.
But I hope things work out for you.

I'm going, but there's something
I want you to have.

Whose flat is this?

A friend of mine left town.
I'll tell you later.

Thanks for coming.

OK, so I've been thinking about why
I always fuck everything up for myself.

And this is the best way
that I can explain.

This is how it started for me.

It was good.

Then things started going wrong.

Then someone else escaped.

The gravity holding us together
was gone.

We were floating in space.

It's kinda easy when
you've got nothing, because...

nothing can't be
taken away from you.

But I don't want nothing any more.

Is that it?

Are you the only person
in the world that's been let down?

The only one that's been hurt,
abandoned.

Are you?

So what gives you the right
to act like you are?

Jal... can't you forgive me?

No.

Don't you understand?
I wanna...

Make a new fucking pact
that means nothing to you?

Yeah. Let's do that.

Let's build something.
And we'll tear it down.

Fuck it. Come on...
Come on. Say it!

Build something. Tear it down!

You're not who I thought you were.

You're an empty, poisonous smile.

What do you want me to say?
I don't know what I'm meant to say.

Jal, look at me.

Look, I was perfectly happy
killing myself.

Right, but then
you asked me to try...

And for the first time
in my life it felt like

someone actually gave a shit.

And that person was
worth trying for. And now I'd...

I'd fucking make the world record
biggest sandwich if you asked me to.

I'd kick old grannies in the tits.
I'd fill the rivers with panda pops.

Stop.

I fucked up big time.

I'm more than sorry.

I love you, Jal.

You're my whole world.

Now you've got snot on your face.

I'm going to the Job Centre.

Wait for me?

A bloke, he wakes up one morning.

Makes himself breakfast. Gets in
his car. Car drives off a few miles.

Has a couple of blokes
pour petrol over his head

and sets fire to himself.
Fucking boom!

He's watching us.

You look really good, Tony.
Like you're ready for anything.