Six Feet Under (2001–2005): Season 1, Episode 9 - Life's Too Short - full transcript
While babysitting, Gabe kicks his little brother out of the room so he and Andy can get high, but Anthony Cristopher Finelli ends up playing with a gun and it goes off. Claire tries to support Gabe since no one else bothers trying, and Nate has to deal with his abusive stepfather when he arrives at the funeral. David goes with Kurt to a disco where he gets some ecstasy, and later hides it in the aspirin. Unfortunately, this appears to be a weekend where the family has a case of headaches, so he has to inconspicuously question Claire if anything unusual happened after she treated hers, and never suspects that Ruth took some on her camping trip with Hiram. Brenda gets Nate to act as a potential customer for some local funeral homes so he can get into the feel of his job.
ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON HBO : July 29, 2001
Six Feet Under
Season1. Episode 9. Life's Too Short
Yo, what's up?
You got it?
No, I didn't get anything.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Anthony, go play in Mom's room.
Why?
Because I said so, you little shit!
Go!
Get up, come on!
You suck!
That kid's got so much major attitude.
6 years old, he's already a hardass.
Think you can get more of this stuff?
How much?
How much money do you have?
I'm fuckin' loaded.
Hey, Bennett and I are going to that record release party tonight, and there's an after-hours in Hollywood.
Oh, dude, I fuckin' hate that shit.
Totally bunch of whacked-out faggot tweakers shoving glo-sticks in their eyes.
It?s at Sin-Sin.
Great!
Whacked-out Asian tweakers!
Club's weak, dude.
Anthony!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
I've gotta get out of here!
What?
I'll go get that shit out of here!
Oh fuck!
Anthony...
"ANTHONY CHRISTOPHER FINELLI
NOVEMBER 5, 1994-APRIL 18, 2001"
Good morning.
OK.
What are you mad at me about now?
Look, I'm busy, alright?
My workload is doubled since Federico's gone.
You can't expect me to engage you in small talk just to make you feel better.
You flunked the licensing test.
Did you think that I didn't know
the grades were being posted today?
I didn?t!
You didn't apply yourself.
You think this is something that people do when they can't do anything else, and therefore it can't be that difficult.
OK, I feel pretty bad right now.
Is it really important to make me feel worse?
I don't care what you feel.
Oh, bullshit!
You like it when I feel bad
because misery loves company.
How did he die?
Heart attack.
Fell down a flight of stairs.
Dead when he hit the bottom.
His nose supposed to look like that?
Of course not.
I have to finish embalming him before
I can start on anything cosmetic.
I can deal with whoever it is.
Unless it's a walk-in.
You know, I just want to point out that
you are choosing to be the victim here.
I can handle an in-take and you know it.
Ladies, take a change.
Good.
And walk to the middle and back.
Alright.
Very good, very good,
ladies and gentlemen.
So we'll see you all the same time next week, OK?
Be safe getting home.
Morning, folks.
Hi.
Goddamn it, why doesn't anyone answer the door?
Where is Mom?
OK,
if you haven't slept with that guy yet,
would you start?
Cause I think it would do you a world of good.
Don't do that!
Do what?
Watch me like that.
I can't help it. You're so beautiful.
Oh, for heavens sake!
I wanna go camping again.
Then go camping.
With you.
I've got a job now, Hiram.
I can't just up and leave whenever I feel like it.
Spring's a very busy time of the year.
It's our anniversary tomorrow.
The first time we went camping was 2 years ago tomorrow.
We don't have anniversaries.
I never agreed to anniversaries.
Just you and me alone in the woods, naked under the stars.
Just like it was in the beginning.
Tomorrow is such short notice.
I can't promise anything, but I'll try.
my mom wants to know how quickly we can do this.
Uh-well,
I'd suggest a viewing in 2 days to allow proper restoration.
Viewing?
For friends, family.
You can make it as small or as large as you wish.
No, I can't see him in a box.
I can't.
Alright.
Ms Dimas,
seeing your son before you bury him might help you to let go.
No, I don't want to see him.
Of course.
We'll arrange for a closed casket ceremony.
Will 3 days give you enough time?
Yes, that's gonna be fine.
Nate will show you to the door.
Thanks.
What happened?
6 year-old found a gun and was playing with it.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah.
They-uh-
they gave me this at the hospital.
Some sort of receipt.
I don't know if you need it but-
OK.
What was he doing here?
Gabe!
It's OK.
Hey.
My brother just told me.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know where else to go.
My grandmother's funeral was here.
Yeah, of course.
My mom's waiting for me down at the car.
I thought you were supposed to encourage people to have a viewing.
Well, sometimes people don't want that.
Sometimes you don't want to work any harder.
When faced with the option of not having to restore a 6-year-old child?s
head that's been blown to bits, yeah. I don't want to do that.
Do you?
It's not our job to force somebody to do something they're clearly not ready to do because we think it's the right thing.
Because it will make us feel better.
Can I help you?
Roses are if you love somebody, right?
Roses are the classic choice,
but other flowers could achieve the same effect.
What if you then ask her to marry you?
Oh, how lovely!
Well, roses would be the perfect choice.
But she turned out to be a cheating coward and
ran off with some shithead that she met at traffic school.
What color would you give a coward?
yellow.
Yellow.
Great!
12 dozen yellow roses,
sent to this address, please.
What would you like the card to say?
"Fuck you,
cunt!"
I think it would be more personal if you write that.
I have to take the day off tomorrow and Saturday.
Why?
A friend.
I'm supposed to have plans with a friend and I forgot.
Is it with that man?
The one with the funny little car that picks you up?
It's an electric car,
and it's very good for the environment.
Why are you laughing?
Because you're not.
You like this man?
Can I have the days off or not?
Take.
Go.
I don't care.
We will miss you.
Brenda?
Hey there!
I'll be right out!
I just got out of the shower.
How was work?
It sucked.
Like I figured, I failed that funeral director's test.
And there was this in-take meeting this morning I totally fucked up.
I just picked up a dead 6 year-old at the morgue.
All in all, it's been a pretty bad day.
Goddamn it!
Sometimes I feel like I don't have any fuckin' idea what I'm doing.
It's like I made like this bullshit decision to go into this business
for all the wrong reasons, and now it's too late.
It's never too late.
Jesus, Billy!
What, do you live here now?
No, Brenda just gave me a shiatsu.
I've been kind of tense lately.
So,
bad day, huh?
Yeah.
Well, I've had my share of those.
Well, I don't doubt that.
I don't really feel like cooking,
so you guys decide what we're having delivered.
That shit was all over the news.
6 years old, right?
Fuck!
Some people should just not be allowed to have kids.
She just sat there like a ghost.
It was like she'd been erased.
I felt so fuckin' helpless.
Oh, God, that poor woman.
In Nigeria, there's this tribe that when a baby dies,
they throw the body into the bush because they believe,
if buried, the dead infant would offend the earth gods,
which bring fertility and food.
And then there's the Chinese that consider the death of a child a "bad death,"
where the parents and grandparents aren't expected to go to the funeral.
Or the Balinese mother who's counseled to remain cheerful after the death of her infant,
because grief makes one vulnerable to
illness and malevolent demons.
Well, that was informative.
Yeah, well,
I thought it'd be good to read up on your boyfriend's line of work.
After all, what a man does, that's,
uh, who he is.
Right, Nate?
Uh-yeah.
A man should know the history of his chosen profession
if he expects to be anything more than an amateur.
So I'm an amateur?
I prefer the term "dilettante. "
And what are you, Billy?
Running around with your camera,
taking pictures of other peoples' lives...
Boys!
You really think knowing a bunch of arcane National Geographic shit is gonna help me cope with a 6-year-old who shot himself in the head?
You know, there are plenty of places in the world where a kid dying is pretty common,
but we can't deal with it, because a dead child is the greatest failure of a culture that believes it's reversed the order of nature.
This was an accident.
This wasn't nature.
Do you know what I find interesting?
If you lose a spouse,
you're called a widow or a widower.
If you're a child and you lose your parents,
then you're an orphan.
But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child?
I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.
I was worried you weren't going to show!
No, I just got tied up at work.
Believe me, I need this after the day I had.
This oughtta help.
What is it?
X.
Ecstacy.
You ever done it?
No. Can't say that I have.
You're gonna love it.
Aren't you gonna take one too?
I'm already there.
Let's dance!
I'm not a very good dancer.
You will be.
David,
David!
Hey, you gotta keep drinking this.
She was only 63.
That's so young!
Isn't that young?
Mrs. Lawson, have you thought about
what kind of funeral you'd like for your mother?
It has to be beautiful.
Well, we can offer you a wide variety of services, ranging from simple to more formal to
anything you might need.
Yes, anything at all.
It's a good thing I was there, ya know?
I mean, Gabe was so wrecked,
I was around to trash his weed.
No, seriously, if the police found that shit, it'd be way worse, ya know?
Hey, Andy.
Hey.
How's Gabe?
He's OK, I guess.
Well, have you talked to him?
Not really.
Well, are you gonna see him later?
I don't know.
It's sort of weird over there.
The mother's like all freaked.
Yeah, but what about Gabe?
Look, Morticia, I'm not interfering.
It's too much to get into, ya know?
I thought you were his friend.
Why don't you fuck off, bitch, huh?
Anyway, if you're so worried,
why don't you go fuck him again?
Maybe that'll cheer him up.
Nice.
That's nice.
By the way, Parker told me how one of your testicles is like freakishly small like a peanut.
Nice!
Is that true?
That's not true.
For later.
You have a headache, dear?
Yeah. I thought I'd-
I'm throwing in a load of laundry,
if you need something done.
By the way, I'm going camping with Hiram this weekend.
I'm leaving this afternoon.
Great.
I'm doing whites first.
Oh, fuck,
David! David!
David!
David,
are you alright?
You look pale.
No, I'm fine.
It's just a headache.
That's all.
OK, you're in this like total danger zone.
Gabe Dimas is a dick.
I'm sorry his brother is dead,
but don't think that means he's not a dick.
I just haven't seen him around,
so I was worried.
You hook up with him now,
it's gonna be like total emotional rape.
Whatever he feels for you is gonna be wrapped up in some guilt/grief/fuckfest.
You'd better stay away from that shit.
I'm not kidding.
So you failed a test.
Big whoop!
You want to be helpful to the people that walk through your front door,
so you have to be one of those people.
OK-
I chose 3 funeral homes from the Yellow Pages at random.
I've always felt an uncontrolled sample group provides more reliable data.
You want us to pretend to be purchasing a funeral?
Look up the first address.
I think it's in Sherman Oaks.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Hello?
Gabe?
Is anybody home?
Oh, Mrs. Dimas, I'm sorry.
The door was open.
is Gabe around?
We could still leave.
Why?
What are you afraid of?
Humiliating myself,
wasting someone's valuable time.
Don't be so left-brained.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Now,
how can I help?
It's my parents.
They were killed this morning.
In an accident.
I'm terribly sorry.
It was a-
a helicopter,
went down, and there was an explosion.
Oh, God, I can't do this!
It's not right!
They were in the prime of their lives.
Everybody dies, we all die,
everything we ever care about will disappear-
SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF LIVING?!?
can I suggest matching caskets?
That's it?
That's what you have to offer me in my time of grief?
Merchandise.
We have nothing to learn here.
Water purifier,
rope,
bear bell,
flashlight,
toilet paper,
and, yes, it's biodegradable,
bird caller,
binoculars.
Ruth, I'm sure you have everything. In fact,
I know you have everything.
You always do.
It wouldn't be much fun to get all the way up there and realize we forgot the matches, now would it?
Or the champagne.
Hiram, that's just decadent!
Was it expensive?
We shouldn't waste it.
Waste it?
It's our anniversary!
Claire, you're home early.
Do you remember Hiram?
Hi.
How was school?
I have a headache.
Hiram and I are going camping.
Your dinner's in the refrigerator,
and I'll be back tomorrow.
It's a very beautiful time of the year.
OK. Well, you two have fun.
We should probably leave if we want to beat the rush hour traffic.
Ruth?
Honey, what's wrong?
My children don't need me anymore.
Let's think of this as a celebration of your uncle's life.
Now, the Titan is an excellent choice
for a distinguished gentleman.
It's solid mahogany, it's hand-finished,
burwood and nickel accents.
And Grace Field-
Grace Field is a lovely place for internment.
It's serene, it's pastoral.
How much?
Well, after you sign the contract,
we take care of everything.
There's no worry.
There's no pain.
How much?
Comes to just under $20,000.
You're charging $2000 for the Titan.
What is that, like a 300% markup?
I could come down to 10.
And, uh, Grace Field is in between a power station and a freeway.
There are nicer cemeteries,
but they're just a little more expensive.
No, thanks.
We'll try and find somewhere that doesn't just want to swindle us.
Nice tie.
This business is a total racket.
What business isn't?
You know, sometimes I wish I could be this completely selfish asshole who didn't give a shit about anything
and I could just work at some mindless job that
paid me a fuckload of money.
No, you don't.
It'd make my life a lot easier.
You don't want your life to be easier.
Gabe?
Hi.
I didn't know if anybody was home.
Did you ring the bell?
I just came by to drop off this stuff.
OK.
It's my brother's soccer clothes.
I thought that he might like to get buried in them.
You think that's OK?
Yeah, yeah,
I think that's really nice.
See my mom?
Yeah.
It's like a zombie hut.
Just sits there.
He shouldn't have been by himself.
It's my fault.
I killed him.
Gabe, no, it was an accident.
Wouldn't have happened if I had been watching him.
My mom can't even find Anthony's dad to tell him what happened.
Probably moved.
We haven't seen him in like 2 years.
Oh... that sucks.
Nah, he's a fuckin' drunken dipshit.
He used to kick my ass all the time just to prove that he could.
You know when people would call you those things like
"Cemetery Girl" and "Vampira"?
Yeah.
I never thought that was funny.
I- I should go.
Would you just, um,
make sure your brother gets these?
Of course.
Hey, look, if you need anything, like to talk or
something, you can call me.
Alright.
Where do you wanna hang the food?
Can't it wait till after dinner?
I've already taken out what we're going to eat.
I'd rather not risk it.
Well, I'm sorry it's inconvenient, but would you prefer we were mauled in our sleep by bears?
Ruth,
you need to relax.
Hello, I'm Rosemary.
How can I help you?
Hi, I need to make arrangements for a funeral.
Alright.
My wife's in the restroom.
She'll be out in a minute.
Fine.
Can I ask who the funeral is for?
It's for me.
Bet you don't get too many people shopping for their own funeral.
It happens.
Most people who know they're going to die want to have a say.
Planning it together with your husband can be a meaningful process for both.
Is it cancer?
Yeah, it's everywhere.
Liver now.
Brenda-
My husband hates me doing this.
He wants me to spend this time doing things I've always dreamed of but never gave myself permission to do.
Coughing blood and pissing needles thing kind of gets in the way.
He just wants you to be happy.
He just doesn't want me to die.
I can't do it! I can't!
He's not ready.
It's hard for him.
Probably harder than it is for you.
That was like maybe the most fucked up thing you've ever done to me!
Sorry.
That was like the shit you pulled on those doctors in the Charlotte book just to get a fuckin' rise out of them.
What's next?
You gonna start barking at me?!?
I might if you don't stop yelling at me.
What you did just now was not funny!
Well, it wasn't meant to be.
You counsel people about death every day, Nate,
when death is what you're most afraid of.
What's wrong with this picture?
Well, of course I'm afraid of it.
What sane person isn't?
I'm not.
Yeah, well, I said, "What sane person"?
Hello?
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Nothing.
I just-
I just wanted to talk to somebody.
what are you doing tonight?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
You.
Shit!
Fuck!
Shit!
What are you looking for?
Aspirin.
I know there was a bottle of aspirin in here.
Yeah, I took some earlier.
You did?!?
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Why?
You found it, didn't you?
You found it and kept it for yourself!
What's going on with you?
Nothing.
You're wearing my shirt.
Fuck!
What is this, like a date?
Uh-sort of.
Oh, no way!
You're dating the square-dancing guy?!?
Weird!
Weird why?
No, I get it.
He's hot.
In a kind of generic Banana Republic kinda way.
Claire, I really need that aspirin bottle.
David, I really don't have it.
What was in there?
He gave me some pills,
and now I'm gonna have to say,
"I'm sorry, I lost them, because I'm this old guy geek and I'm completely uncool in this world in which you seem to thrive, you perfect distillation of human evolution. "
OK, is this split personality thing like something that happens when Mom goes out of town?
Cause I like you like this way better.
Dinner was delicious.
Food just tastes better outdoors.
Do you remember what we ate the first time we went camping?
No.
Pork chops with fry-roasted vegetables.
Oh, yes.
The sky was so clear that night,
just like tonight.
Did you know you're not supposed to go
camping if you're menstruating?
What?
It's true.
My husband buried a young woman once.
She went on a camping trip.
She was menstruating
and a bear smelled the blood and killed her in her sleeping bag.
Killed one of her friends, too.
But we only buried her,
not the friend.
I'm glad we're seeing each other again.
Me too.
It's nice.
What's wrong?
I've got a little bit of a headache.
Sorry I forgot those pills.
It's no big deal.
You can be my drug tonight.
So what's with the guy that's been staring at you since we got here?
Shit!
That's Keith!
We dated.
He's pretty hot.
You guys still friends?
Not really.
Why not?
I'm friends with my exes.
Why doesn't that surprise me?
He's coming over.
Is he into threeways?
Look, he's a cop,
so don't mention the drugs or anything.
Sure, Dad.
David.
Keith, hi, how's it going?
Good. It's going good.
This is the last place I'd ever expect to see you.
Yeah, well, it was Kurt's idea.
Kurt, this is Keith.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Kurt teaches square dancing.
Tried to get David to go dancing with me the
whole time we were together.
Told me he didn't even like to dance.
Eddie,
this is David, and, uh-
Kurt.
Hi.
Hi.
So, how'd you guys meet?
Eddie's an EMT.
Met on the job.
Newlyweds in a car crash.
Saved the bride right in front of me.
What about the groom?
Didn't make it.
So the bride had eternity with the man she loved right in front of her,
and then you go and save her and she ends up left behind alone.
That's one way of looking at it.
Well, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Nice meeting you.
You too.
Well, of course he's dating Mr.
Fucking Superguy ER.
I bet they have great sex.
I mean, with the uniforms and all.
You know,
I dated a cop once, total control freak.
Now, firemen on the other hand-
Is dating like an excuse for you to figure out what you want to be when you grow up?
I don't know.
Is dating like an excuse for you to see who you'd wished you'd been when you were my age?
Let's get out of here.
Why?
David!
Wait, David!
Who was that?
Just a guy I know.
He wants to go home with us.
I don't think so.
David, come on, you'll love him!
I promise!
He's a total fuck machine.
I said no.
Why not?
Why are you taking this so seriously?
Because I'm a serious guy.
I bury people for a living.
Well, that shit's in your head.
Yeah, you're right.
That shit is in my head.
Look, go, have fun.
I'm just too-
I'm sorry that I can't-
I'm sorry.
Bye.
You really spooked me, Bren.
What?
The idea of me dying?
Yeah.
I will die someday.
We die, Nate.
We all die.
Hello.
You certainly took your sweet time getting here.
You'll ruin that shirt.
who cares?
What, are you hitting on me now?
2 guys aren't enough for you, ya slut?
Oh, dear,
I suppose I owe you an apology.
Why? I'm dead.
Yes, but I was seeing Hiram before-
I was gone long before I died.
You'd like Hiram.
He's kind. He makes me laugh.
Oh, blah, blah, bla
I've got my money on the florist.
Oh, heavens no!
Nathaniel, the man's a complete savage!
Oh, ding, ding, ding
Oh, God,
this is the hearse that was always stalling, isn't it?
Remember after that funeral in Malibu for that jazz musician?
We broke down on the side of PCH and we made love in the back.
If this baby could talk, huh.
Nathaniel, what happened to us?
We were so in love once.
Life happened to us.
I buried hundreds of people, and
we watched each other grow old.
But we're not old.
Well, technically speaking,
I'm as old as I'm ever gonna get.
We were such children when we met,
and we watched those children disappear.
Dammit!
Stalled again!
Won't go forward, won't go back.
these can't be helping.
No tears.
I miss what we had.
So, find it again.
What a beautiful day!
You should've woken me up.
I thought you could use the sleep after the night we had.
You've never been so passionate with me before!
Thank you for a wonderful night.
Last night?
You were spectacular!
What?
Nice suit.
Thank you.
Bought it last week.
Figured I'd need more than one suit if you're gonna be a funeral director.
You need to pass a test first.
You can't just let go of that, can you?
I failed the first time I took it.
No, you did not.
Yes, I did.
I fuck up a lot more than you might think.
I fuck up a lot.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you holding up?
OK, I guess.
It's just-weird.
Why are you being so nice to me?
You little bastard!
Sam, we didn't think you'd show.
I'm gonna kill you, you sick fuckin'-
OK, everybody, calm down.
Wasted out of your mind, whacking off!
Let my kid shoot himself.
You're gonna blame him?!?
Where the fuck were you for the past 2 years?
Alright, just take it easy.
Everything alright?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Who the fuck was that little bitch out there?
That's my sister.
You should warn her,
Gabriel has been a fuckup his whole life.
When I used to live there, he used to drive his mother nuts with all the shit that he'd do.
Staying out all night-
No fuckin' responsibility.
That's my kid who's dead.
I know.
That was my gun.
I bought it for Vickie.
Cause I was gonna leave for a while, you know, go up north for a job,
and make some extra money.
How can he let something like this happen?
It's not right!
It's just not fuckin' right!
Jesus, he was 6!
Everybody dies.
Some of us live to be 100,
some of us never make it through our first day.
That?s just a fuckin' fact of nature, pal.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
You can punch as many people that you want.
It's not gonna change that fact that that boy is dead,
and your chance to be in his life is over.
Did you use that time well or did you just piss it away?
Your own fuckin' life is a ticking clock, too.
Everybody's is.
Mom, you're home.
I was worried.
Worried? Why?
did you have a good time?
Oh, David, you must go camping!
It's so spectacular up there right now.
Spring is such a cool time.
So much color,
so much detail,
and the smells-
it's like nothing else.
And you're OK?
No sickness?
No headaches?
Oh, no.
I had one on the trip, but
I took some aspirin and it just disappeared.
Yes, well, aspirin is damn good stuff.
How was the service?
There was a fight that broke out,
but I let Nate take care of it.
I'm glad you boys are working so well together now.
Claire, you look terrible!
Are you not feeling well?
I'm just a little wrecked.
We buried my friend's brother today.
He's your friend?
I had no idea.
He's the foot guy.
Oh my God!
Good night.
There's so much you wish you could protect your children from.
Night, Mom.
Good night, dear.
Six Feet Under
Season1. Episode 9. Life's Too Short
Yo, what's up?
You got it?
No, I didn't get anything.
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Anthony, go play in Mom's room.
Why?
Because I said so, you little shit!
Go!
Get up, come on!
You suck!
That kid's got so much major attitude.
6 years old, he's already a hardass.
Think you can get more of this stuff?
How much?
How much money do you have?
I'm fuckin' loaded.
Hey, Bennett and I are going to that record release party tonight, and there's an after-hours in Hollywood.
Oh, dude, I fuckin' hate that shit.
Totally bunch of whacked-out faggot tweakers shoving glo-sticks in their eyes.
It?s at Sin-Sin.
Great!
Whacked-out Asian tweakers!
Club's weak, dude.
Anthony!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
I've gotta get out of here!
What?
I'll go get that shit out of here!
Oh fuck!
Anthony...
"ANTHONY CHRISTOPHER FINELLI
NOVEMBER 5, 1994-APRIL 18, 2001"
Good morning.
OK.
What are you mad at me about now?
Look, I'm busy, alright?
My workload is doubled since Federico's gone.
You can't expect me to engage you in small talk just to make you feel better.
You flunked the licensing test.
Did you think that I didn't know
the grades were being posted today?
I didn?t!
You didn't apply yourself.
You think this is something that people do when they can't do anything else, and therefore it can't be that difficult.
OK, I feel pretty bad right now.
Is it really important to make me feel worse?
I don't care what you feel.
Oh, bullshit!
You like it when I feel bad
because misery loves company.
How did he die?
Heart attack.
Fell down a flight of stairs.
Dead when he hit the bottom.
His nose supposed to look like that?
Of course not.
I have to finish embalming him before
I can start on anything cosmetic.
I can deal with whoever it is.
Unless it's a walk-in.
You know, I just want to point out that
you are choosing to be the victim here.
I can handle an in-take and you know it.
Ladies, take a change.
Good.
And walk to the middle and back.
Alright.
Very good, very good,
ladies and gentlemen.
So we'll see you all the same time next week, OK?
Be safe getting home.
Morning, folks.
Hi.
Goddamn it, why doesn't anyone answer the door?
Where is Mom?
OK,
if you haven't slept with that guy yet,
would you start?
Cause I think it would do you a world of good.
Don't do that!
Do what?
Watch me like that.
I can't help it. You're so beautiful.
Oh, for heavens sake!
I wanna go camping again.
Then go camping.
With you.
I've got a job now, Hiram.
I can't just up and leave whenever I feel like it.
Spring's a very busy time of the year.
It's our anniversary tomorrow.
The first time we went camping was 2 years ago tomorrow.
We don't have anniversaries.
I never agreed to anniversaries.
Just you and me alone in the woods, naked under the stars.
Just like it was in the beginning.
Tomorrow is such short notice.
I can't promise anything, but I'll try.
my mom wants to know how quickly we can do this.
Uh-well,
I'd suggest a viewing in 2 days to allow proper restoration.
Viewing?
For friends, family.
You can make it as small or as large as you wish.
No, I can't see him in a box.
I can't.
Alright.
Ms Dimas,
seeing your son before you bury him might help you to let go.
No, I don't want to see him.
Of course.
We'll arrange for a closed casket ceremony.
Will 3 days give you enough time?
Yes, that's gonna be fine.
Nate will show you to the door.
Thanks.
What happened?
6 year-old found a gun and was playing with it.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah.
They-uh-
they gave me this at the hospital.
Some sort of receipt.
I don't know if you need it but-
OK.
What was he doing here?
Gabe!
It's OK.
Hey.
My brother just told me.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know where else to go.
My grandmother's funeral was here.
Yeah, of course.
My mom's waiting for me down at the car.
I thought you were supposed to encourage people to have a viewing.
Well, sometimes people don't want that.
Sometimes you don't want to work any harder.
When faced with the option of not having to restore a 6-year-old child?s
head that's been blown to bits, yeah. I don't want to do that.
Do you?
It's not our job to force somebody to do something they're clearly not ready to do because we think it's the right thing.
Because it will make us feel better.
Can I help you?
Roses are if you love somebody, right?
Roses are the classic choice,
but other flowers could achieve the same effect.
What if you then ask her to marry you?
Oh, how lovely!
Well, roses would be the perfect choice.
But she turned out to be a cheating coward and
ran off with some shithead that she met at traffic school.
What color would you give a coward?
yellow.
Yellow.
Great!
12 dozen yellow roses,
sent to this address, please.
What would you like the card to say?
"Fuck you,
cunt!"
I think it would be more personal if you write that.
I have to take the day off tomorrow and Saturday.
Why?
A friend.
I'm supposed to have plans with a friend and I forgot.
Is it with that man?
The one with the funny little car that picks you up?
It's an electric car,
and it's very good for the environment.
Why are you laughing?
Because you're not.
You like this man?
Can I have the days off or not?
Take.
Go.
I don't care.
We will miss you.
Brenda?
Hey there!
I'll be right out!
I just got out of the shower.
How was work?
It sucked.
Like I figured, I failed that funeral director's test.
And there was this in-take meeting this morning I totally fucked up.
I just picked up a dead 6 year-old at the morgue.
All in all, it's been a pretty bad day.
Goddamn it!
Sometimes I feel like I don't have any fuckin' idea what I'm doing.
It's like I made like this bullshit decision to go into this business
for all the wrong reasons, and now it's too late.
It's never too late.
Jesus, Billy!
What, do you live here now?
No, Brenda just gave me a shiatsu.
I've been kind of tense lately.
So,
bad day, huh?
Yeah.
Well, I've had my share of those.
Well, I don't doubt that.
I don't really feel like cooking,
so you guys decide what we're having delivered.
That shit was all over the news.
6 years old, right?
Fuck!
Some people should just not be allowed to have kids.
She just sat there like a ghost.
It was like she'd been erased.
I felt so fuckin' helpless.
Oh, God, that poor woman.
In Nigeria, there's this tribe that when a baby dies,
they throw the body into the bush because they believe,
if buried, the dead infant would offend the earth gods,
which bring fertility and food.
And then there's the Chinese that consider the death of a child a "bad death,"
where the parents and grandparents aren't expected to go to the funeral.
Or the Balinese mother who's counseled to remain cheerful after the death of her infant,
because grief makes one vulnerable to
illness and malevolent demons.
Well, that was informative.
Yeah, well,
I thought it'd be good to read up on your boyfriend's line of work.
After all, what a man does, that's,
uh, who he is.
Right, Nate?
Uh-yeah.
A man should know the history of his chosen profession
if he expects to be anything more than an amateur.
So I'm an amateur?
I prefer the term "dilettante. "
And what are you, Billy?
Running around with your camera,
taking pictures of other peoples' lives...
Boys!
You really think knowing a bunch of arcane National Geographic shit is gonna help me cope with a 6-year-old who shot himself in the head?
You know, there are plenty of places in the world where a kid dying is pretty common,
but we can't deal with it, because a dead child is the greatest failure of a culture that believes it's reversed the order of nature.
This was an accident.
This wasn't nature.
Do you know what I find interesting?
If you lose a spouse,
you're called a widow or a widower.
If you're a child and you lose your parents,
then you're an orphan.
But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child?
I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.
I was worried you weren't going to show!
No, I just got tied up at work.
Believe me, I need this after the day I had.
This oughtta help.
What is it?
X.
Ecstacy.
You ever done it?
No. Can't say that I have.
You're gonna love it.
Aren't you gonna take one too?
I'm already there.
Let's dance!
I'm not a very good dancer.
You will be.
David,
David!
Hey, you gotta keep drinking this.
She was only 63.
That's so young!
Isn't that young?
Mrs. Lawson, have you thought about
what kind of funeral you'd like for your mother?
It has to be beautiful.
Well, we can offer you a wide variety of services, ranging from simple to more formal to
anything you might need.
Yes, anything at all.
It's a good thing I was there, ya know?
I mean, Gabe was so wrecked,
I was around to trash his weed.
No, seriously, if the police found that shit, it'd be way worse, ya know?
Hey, Andy.
Hey.
How's Gabe?
He's OK, I guess.
Well, have you talked to him?
Not really.
Well, are you gonna see him later?
I don't know.
It's sort of weird over there.
The mother's like all freaked.
Yeah, but what about Gabe?
Look, Morticia, I'm not interfering.
It's too much to get into, ya know?
I thought you were his friend.
Why don't you fuck off, bitch, huh?
Anyway, if you're so worried,
why don't you go fuck him again?
Maybe that'll cheer him up.
Nice.
That's nice.
By the way, Parker told me how one of your testicles is like freakishly small like a peanut.
Nice!
Is that true?
That's not true.
For later.
You have a headache, dear?
Yeah. I thought I'd-
I'm throwing in a load of laundry,
if you need something done.
By the way, I'm going camping with Hiram this weekend.
I'm leaving this afternoon.
Great.
I'm doing whites first.
Oh, fuck,
David! David!
David!
David,
are you alright?
You look pale.
No, I'm fine.
It's just a headache.
That's all.
OK, you're in this like total danger zone.
Gabe Dimas is a dick.
I'm sorry his brother is dead,
but don't think that means he's not a dick.
I just haven't seen him around,
so I was worried.
You hook up with him now,
it's gonna be like total emotional rape.
Whatever he feels for you is gonna be wrapped up in some guilt/grief/fuckfest.
You'd better stay away from that shit.
I'm not kidding.
So you failed a test.
Big whoop!
You want to be helpful to the people that walk through your front door,
so you have to be one of those people.
OK-
I chose 3 funeral homes from the Yellow Pages at random.
I've always felt an uncontrolled sample group provides more reliable data.
You want us to pretend to be purchasing a funeral?
Look up the first address.
I think it's in Sherman Oaks.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Hello?
Gabe?
Is anybody home?
Oh, Mrs. Dimas, I'm sorry.
The door was open.
is Gabe around?
We could still leave.
Why?
What are you afraid of?
Humiliating myself,
wasting someone's valuable time.
Don't be so left-brained.
I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
Now,
how can I help?
It's my parents.
They were killed this morning.
In an accident.
I'm terribly sorry.
It was a-
a helicopter,
went down, and there was an explosion.
Oh, God, I can't do this!
It's not right!
They were in the prime of their lives.
Everybody dies, we all die,
everything we ever care about will disappear-
SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT OF LIVING?!?
can I suggest matching caskets?
That's it?
That's what you have to offer me in my time of grief?
Merchandise.
We have nothing to learn here.
Water purifier,
rope,
bear bell,
flashlight,
toilet paper,
and, yes, it's biodegradable,
bird caller,
binoculars.
Ruth, I'm sure you have everything. In fact,
I know you have everything.
You always do.
It wouldn't be much fun to get all the way up there and realize we forgot the matches, now would it?
Or the champagne.
Hiram, that's just decadent!
Was it expensive?
We shouldn't waste it.
Waste it?
It's our anniversary!
Claire, you're home early.
Do you remember Hiram?
Hi.
How was school?
I have a headache.
Hiram and I are going camping.
Your dinner's in the refrigerator,
and I'll be back tomorrow.
It's a very beautiful time of the year.
OK. Well, you two have fun.
We should probably leave if we want to beat the rush hour traffic.
Ruth?
Honey, what's wrong?
My children don't need me anymore.
Let's think of this as a celebration of your uncle's life.
Now, the Titan is an excellent choice
for a distinguished gentleman.
It's solid mahogany, it's hand-finished,
burwood and nickel accents.
And Grace Field-
Grace Field is a lovely place for internment.
It's serene, it's pastoral.
How much?
Well, after you sign the contract,
we take care of everything.
There's no worry.
There's no pain.
How much?
Comes to just under $20,000.
You're charging $2000 for the Titan.
What is that, like a 300% markup?
I could come down to 10.
And, uh, Grace Field is in between a power station and a freeway.
There are nicer cemeteries,
but they're just a little more expensive.
No, thanks.
We'll try and find somewhere that doesn't just want to swindle us.
Nice tie.
This business is a total racket.
What business isn't?
You know, sometimes I wish I could be this completely selfish asshole who didn't give a shit about anything
and I could just work at some mindless job that
paid me a fuckload of money.
No, you don't.
It'd make my life a lot easier.
You don't want your life to be easier.
Gabe?
Hi.
I didn't know if anybody was home.
Did you ring the bell?
I just came by to drop off this stuff.
OK.
It's my brother's soccer clothes.
I thought that he might like to get buried in them.
You think that's OK?
Yeah, yeah,
I think that's really nice.
See my mom?
Yeah.
It's like a zombie hut.
Just sits there.
He shouldn't have been by himself.
It's my fault.
I killed him.
Gabe, no, it was an accident.
Wouldn't have happened if I had been watching him.
My mom can't even find Anthony's dad to tell him what happened.
Probably moved.
We haven't seen him in like 2 years.
Oh... that sucks.
Nah, he's a fuckin' drunken dipshit.
He used to kick my ass all the time just to prove that he could.
You know when people would call you those things like
"Cemetery Girl" and "Vampira"?
Yeah.
I never thought that was funny.
I- I should go.
Would you just, um,
make sure your brother gets these?
Of course.
Hey, look, if you need anything, like to talk or
something, you can call me.
Alright.
Where do you wanna hang the food?
Can't it wait till after dinner?
I've already taken out what we're going to eat.
I'd rather not risk it.
Well, I'm sorry it's inconvenient, but would you prefer we were mauled in our sleep by bears?
Ruth,
you need to relax.
Hello, I'm Rosemary.
How can I help you?
Hi, I need to make arrangements for a funeral.
Alright.
My wife's in the restroom.
She'll be out in a minute.
Fine.
Can I ask who the funeral is for?
It's for me.
Bet you don't get too many people shopping for their own funeral.
It happens.
Most people who know they're going to die want to have a say.
Planning it together with your husband can be a meaningful process for both.
Is it cancer?
Yeah, it's everywhere.
Liver now.
Brenda-
My husband hates me doing this.
He wants me to spend this time doing things I've always dreamed of but never gave myself permission to do.
Coughing blood and pissing needles thing kind of gets in the way.
He just wants you to be happy.
He just doesn't want me to die.
I can't do it! I can't!
He's not ready.
It's hard for him.
Probably harder than it is for you.
That was like maybe the most fucked up thing you've ever done to me!
Sorry.
That was like the shit you pulled on those doctors in the Charlotte book just to get a fuckin' rise out of them.
What's next?
You gonna start barking at me?!?
I might if you don't stop yelling at me.
What you did just now was not funny!
Well, it wasn't meant to be.
You counsel people about death every day, Nate,
when death is what you're most afraid of.
What's wrong with this picture?
Well, of course I'm afraid of it.
What sane person isn't?
I'm not.
Yeah, well, I said, "What sane person"?
Hello?
Hey.
Hey, what's up?
Nothing.
I just-
I just wanted to talk to somebody.
what are you doing tonight?
I don't know.
What are you doing?
You.
Shit!
Fuck!
Shit!
What are you looking for?
Aspirin.
I know there was a bottle of aspirin in here.
Yeah, I took some earlier.
You did?!?
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Why?
You found it, didn't you?
You found it and kept it for yourself!
What's going on with you?
Nothing.
You're wearing my shirt.
Fuck!
What is this, like a date?
Uh-sort of.
Oh, no way!
You're dating the square-dancing guy?!?
Weird!
Weird why?
No, I get it.
He's hot.
In a kind of generic Banana Republic kinda way.
Claire, I really need that aspirin bottle.
David, I really don't have it.
What was in there?
He gave me some pills,
and now I'm gonna have to say,
"I'm sorry, I lost them, because I'm this old guy geek and I'm completely uncool in this world in which you seem to thrive, you perfect distillation of human evolution. "
OK, is this split personality thing like something that happens when Mom goes out of town?
Cause I like you like this way better.
Dinner was delicious.
Food just tastes better outdoors.
Do you remember what we ate the first time we went camping?
No.
Pork chops with fry-roasted vegetables.
Oh, yes.
The sky was so clear that night,
just like tonight.
Did you know you're not supposed to go
camping if you're menstruating?
What?
It's true.
My husband buried a young woman once.
She went on a camping trip.
She was menstruating
and a bear smelled the blood and killed her in her sleeping bag.
Killed one of her friends, too.
But we only buried her,
not the friend.
I'm glad we're seeing each other again.
Me too.
It's nice.
What's wrong?
I've got a little bit of a headache.
Sorry I forgot those pills.
It's no big deal.
You can be my drug tonight.
So what's with the guy that's been staring at you since we got here?
Shit!
That's Keith!
We dated.
He's pretty hot.
You guys still friends?
Not really.
Why not?
I'm friends with my exes.
Why doesn't that surprise me?
He's coming over.
Is he into threeways?
Look, he's a cop,
so don't mention the drugs or anything.
Sure, Dad.
David.
Keith, hi, how's it going?
Good. It's going good.
This is the last place I'd ever expect to see you.
Yeah, well, it was Kurt's idea.
Kurt, this is Keith.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Kurt teaches square dancing.
Tried to get David to go dancing with me the
whole time we were together.
Told me he didn't even like to dance.
Eddie,
this is David, and, uh-
Kurt.
Hi.
Hi.
So, how'd you guys meet?
Eddie's an EMT.
Met on the job.
Newlyweds in a car crash.
Saved the bride right in front of me.
What about the groom?
Didn't make it.
So the bride had eternity with the man she loved right in front of her,
and then you go and save her and she ends up left behind alone.
That's one way of looking at it.
Well, it's good to see you.
Yeah.
Nice meeting you.
You too.
Well, of course he's dating Mr.
Fucking Superguy ER.
I bet they have great sex.
I mean, with the uniforms and all.
You know,
I dated a cop once, total control freak.
Now, firemen on the other hand-
Is dating like an excuse for you to figure out what you want to be when you grow up?
I don't know.
Is dating like an excuse for you to see who you'd wished you'd been when you were my age?
Let's get out of here.
Why?
David!
Wait, David!
Who was that?
Just a guy I know.
He wants to go home with us.
I don't think so.
David, come on, you'll love him!
I promise!
He's a total fuck machine.
I said no.
Why not?
Why are you taking this so seriously?
Because I'm a serious guy.
I bury people for a living.
Well, that shit's in your head.
Yeah, you're right.
That shit is in my head.
Look, go, have fun.
I'm just too-
I'm sorry that I can't-
I'm sorry.
Bye.
You really spooked me, Bren.
What?
The idea of me dying?
Yeah.
I will die someday.
We die, Nate.
We all die.
Hello.
You certainly took your sweet time getting here.
You'll ruin that shirt.
who cares?
What, are you hitting on me now?
2 guys aren't enough for you, ya slut?
Oh, dear,
I suppose I owe you an apology.
Why? I'm dead.
Yes, but I was seeing Hiram before-
I was gone long before I died.
You'd like Hiram.
He's kind. He makes me laugh.
Oh, blah, blah, bla
I've got my money on the florist.
Oh, heavens no!
Nathaniel, the man's a complete savage!
Oh, ding, ding, ding
Oh, God,
this is the hearse that was always stalling, isn't it?
Remember after that funeral in Malibu for that jazz musician?
We broke down on the side of PCH and we made love in the back.
If this baby could talk, huh.
Nathaniel, what happened to us?
We were so in love once.
Life happened to us.
I buried hundreds of people, and
we watched each other grow old.
But we're not old.
Well, technically speaking,
I'm as old as I'm ever gonna get.
We were such children when we met,
and we watched those children disappear.
Dammit!
Stalled again!
Won't go forward, won't go back.
these can't be helping.
No tears.
I miss what we had.
So, find it again.
What a beautiful day!
You should've woken me up.
I thought you could use the sleep after the night we had.
You've never been so passionate with me before!
Thank you for a wonderful night.
Last night?
You were spectacular!
What?
Nice suit.
Thank you.
Bought it last week.
Figured I'd need more than one suit if you're gonna be a funeral director.
You need to pass a test first.
You can't just let go of that, can you?
I failed the first time I took it.
No, you did not.
Yes, I did.
I fuck up a lot more than you might think.
I fuck up a lot.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you holding up?
OK, I guess.
It's just-weird.
Why are you being so nice to me?
You little bastard!
Sam, we didn't think you'd show.
I'm gonna kill you, you sick fuckin'-
OK, everybody, calm down.
Wasted out of your mind, whacking off!
Let my kid shoot himself.
You're gonna blame him?!?
Where the fuck were you for the past 2 years?
Alright, just take it easy.
Everything alright?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Thank you.
Who the fuck was that little bitch out there?
That's my sister.
You should warn her,
Gabriel has been a fuckup his whole life.
When I used to live there, he used to drive his mother nuts with all the shit that he'd do.
Staying out all night-
No fuckin' responsibility.
That's my kid who's dead.
I know.
That was my gun.
I bought it for Vickie.
Cause I was gonna leave for a while, you know, go up north for a job,
and make some extra money.
How can he let something like this happen?
It's not right!
It's just not fuckin' right!
Jesus, he was 6!
Everybody dies.
Some of us live to be 100,
some of us never make it through our first day.
That?s just a fuckin' fact of nature, pal.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
You can punch as many people that you want.
It's not gonna change that fact that that boy is dead,
and your chance to be in his life is over.
Did you use that time well or did you just piss it away?
Your own fuckin' life is a ticking clock, too.
Everybody's is.
Mom, you're home.
I was worried.
Worried? Why?
did you have a good time?
Oh, David, you must go camping!
It's so spectacular up there right now.
Spring is such a cool time.
So much color,
so much detail,
and the smells-
it's like nothing else.
And you're OK?
No sickness?
No headaches?
Oh, no.
I had one on the trip, but
I took some aspirin and it just disappeared.
Yes, well, aspirin is damn good stuff.
How was the service?
There was a fight that broke out,
but I let Nate take care of it.
I'm glad you boys are working so well together now.
Claire, you look terrible!
Are you not feeling well?
I'm just a little wrecked.
We buried my friend's brother today.
He's your friend?
I had no idea.
He's the foot guy.
Oh my God!
Good night.
There's so much you wish you could protect your children from.
Night, Mom.
Good night, dear.