Six Feet Under (2001–2005): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Will - full transcript

ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON HBO: 2001/06/10

Six Feet Under
Season 1. Episode 2. The Will

You can have anything you want.

It's yours for the taking.

Now, we've been conditioned to think
that this isn't fair somehow,

that that's taking away something
from someone else, right?

Right, right.

Wrong.

The bounty of the universe is without limits.

What exactly is Beauty Vision, anyway?

Oh, it's a personalized life management system.



Sounds kinda culty.

Everybody wants a better life.

Shit, two years ago, I was living out of my fuckin' car.

He told me the first time we went out,

he was going to marry me.

It was unbelievably romantic,

and now I have this beautiful baby.

And this is what Beauty Vision is.

It's a way of seeing the world without fear.

Now, these new territories, they're gonna go so fast.

Franchise fee is 45,000.

Sign me up.

Are you really ready for this?

Fuck, yeah.



Well, welcome to Beauty Vision.

Your husband is gorgeous. Thank you.

He spends an hour on the Stairmaster every day.

Jesus,

is that blood? Shit!

Must have hit his head on the bottom of the pool.

Chandler

Chandler!

Oh my God!

CHANDLER JAMES SWANSON
1967- 2001

Wake your tired ass up, sleepyhead.

What's for breakfast? Me, stupid.

Now, uh, which one of you is the wife?

No, no, keep going, keep going.

I'm kind of curious as to how this works.

No breakfast?

Why'd you let me sleep so late?

I didn't have the heart to wake you up.

You looked so relaxed,
which I don't see that often.

Today's the reading of Dad's will.
You know about that.

It'll all be over real soon.

Thank you for sleeping over.

You snore.

Don't forget about the meeting tomorrow night.

You think I'd miss a meeting of gay police and firemen?

You'll like these guys. They're cool.

I'll pick you up around 7.
We'll get a bite to eat first.

Call me before you head over.

So you can weasel your way out of it?

I never know when I'm gonna have to work, Keith.

And this is a busy time for us.

A lot of people hold on for
one last Christmas and then buh-bye.

I always thought shiatsu was more intense than this.

Oh, we'll get there.

I'm just trying to find out where you're wounded.

Wounded?

I got stabbed in the thigh with a Bic pen once.

I wasn't speaking literally.

Aah! Oh, here's a good one.

Old but...

recently reopened. You're so full of shit.

We're all wounded.

We carry our wounds around with us
throughout life and eventually they kill us.

Things happen that leave
a mark in space, in time,

in us.

Alright. No.

I'm sure this is all very deep and profound,

but I get enough death at home.

You're supposed to be my haven away from all that.

I'm not supposed to be anything.

Morning, Dave.

Aren't those the same clothes you had on yesterday?

Everything I own looks alike.

I sense you're not being completely honest with me, Dave.

Have you changed any since you were 14?

Hey. I'm all for you getting laid, believe me.

Morning.

You gotta try these. They're hydroponic.

Put them in water.

I know the guy who grows them.
He's a big supplier to the co-op.

So my peaches are no good?

What?

No, they're fine.

Mr. Hickey wants us there on time
for the reading of the will.

We should all go in the same car.

Great, I have to miss another day of school?

What am I, like some poor knocked-up Victorian
waif who has to stay hidden from view?

Fine.

Go to school. Stay out all night.

Live in the streets. See if I care.

- Was she like this when you were growing up?
- No, not really, but

she was well on her way.

Morning.

We are looking quite spiffy in that suit, Dave.

That's so clever. You're talking like the computer
in the movie. Wow, you're funny.

Hey, have a hydroponic raspberry, grown by a guy
named Gunther, once slept with Stevie Nicks.

Eew!

So, Dave, you gonna tell us about her?

Who? Well, he's got a friend.

Hey, are you and Jennifer back together?

No.

Have you met someone else, Dave?

- Leave him alone.
- Someone from outside your pod?

Shut up, asshole.

Thank you, Claire.

Why are you still here, anyway?
Why don't you go back to Seattle?

Because I would miss the joyful sense
of belonging I get here.

I have no idea what kind of service he'd want.

Well, the scale depends on who he was
and how he saw himself,

the statement that he made with his life.

He was...

He was like, so dynamic.

He had his own business-Beauty Vision.

The infomercial?

Chandler invented it.

Large scale.

I'll arrange viewings for tomorrow
and the next day at Cedar Hill.

Service 4,200.

Now, we should choose on
an appropriate resting vessel,

one that befits a man of his stature.

May I ask what kind of car
your husband preferred?

He drives a BMW.

Do you know which model?

The biggest, fastest one.

I recommend the Titan Series.

Solid mahogany,
pan finished with burwood accents,

the same wood used
in luxury automobile interiors.

Looks expensive.

9000.

It's more than just a casket.
It's a tribute, really.

OK.

Are we finished?

Major credit card to get us started.

Hi!

I, Nathaniel Samuel Fisher,

a resident of Los Angeles County, California,
declare this to be my last will,

and revoke all former wills and codicils.

First, to my wife, Ruth, I leave all cash,

bank accounts, stocks,
and bonds that are in my name.

That's in addition to the life insurance.

Second, I bequeath the company,
Fisher & Sons Funeral Home,

and all real property in business interest,
attached as follows:

50% to my son, David James Fisher,

and 50% to my son,
Nathaniel Samuel Fisher, Jr.

What?!?

Was he high? Why would he do that?

David!

Wow, I guess I don't even rate.

No, he set up a trust for you. David,

hey wait. David,

David, David, David. I don't want it.

Well, excuse me while
I go contemplate the irony of that.

What's my recourse here?

Recourse?

Your entire college education is provided for.

So I don't get anything?

You get education, Claire.

A privilege that not everyone gets.

Well, what if I don't wanna go to college?

Well, you need it these days,
not just to succeed but to survive.

OK. Spare me the tough love rationalization.
Just bottom line it, please.

Should you decide not to go to college,

the money will become available
to you when you're 25.

So this is like blackmail from beyond the grave!

What in the hell was Dad thinking?
Is this some kind of sick joke?

It's Fisher and Sons. You're the sons.

Mom gets half a million in life insurance,
which is completely fair,

but I have these huge strings attached?
Let's not talk about what's fair.

Mom, you can have my half. No,
your father knew exactly what he was doing.

He wanted everybody happy,
and we will be happy!

I guess what I want is totally irrelevant!

Dave, listen. I think this is all wrong.

It should be yours. Or yours and Mom's.

I really don't wanna discuss it now.

Maybe I'll move to Florida.

That's ridiculous, Mom,
and it's not helping.

You're all adults,
and Claire will be leaving next year.

Yeah, to join the Marines!
I wanna learn to kill, kill, kill!

Is that Mr. Swanson?
How does he look?

Easy.

Head split open. Some scalp work,

hair extensions to cover the stitches. Maybe.

You guys are in my way.

Mrs. F.

Vanessa just called.
We've got a fresh one at Baybury's.

You pick it up.
I'll get Swanson started.

No can do.
I've still got to finish Mrs. Huffington.

- Federico, her viewing is at 3 o'clock.
- Yeah, well, she's majorly jaundiced.

Well, just crank up the pink pen
spots over her casket.

David, the woman looks like a banana.

I don't dare brush her, the family's gonna freak!

You wanna put her out like that?

Then take my name off the certificate!

Nate, I need you to pick up
at Baybury's Nursing Home.

Uh... I don't really know how.

You put him on a gurney, put the gurney in the car,

bring it home, take the elevator to the basement,
put him in the freezer.

You think you can handle that?

You own half the business now.
Start pulling your weight.

Newsflash! Other people exist!

Hey, uh. Give me 20 minutes.
I'll go with you.

Thanks.

So did Dad ever say anything
that might explain why he'd do this?

Like, "Hey, Federico, I've lost my fucking mind!"

It's a good business.

Steady.

I guess he was still pissed at me for not going into it,

but what does he think? He can force me?

Maybe he was pissed at Dave.

Hey...

Do you wanna go to a thing tonight?

I'm really not in the mood
for a thing tonight, Gabriel.

Come on, don't go through this alone.

Fat chance. It's like I've got
a big sign on my head that says,

"Freak with the dead dad. "

And like all these people
who are so tragic even knew him.

I met your dad once.

Remember? He buried my grandmother, Alice.

Why are you talking to me?

You think I'm a jerk? Yes.

You know, you're different now.

You can see through walls.

Uh huh.

Don't your skanks need to be walked?

I wanna see you.

Mrs. Fisher?

I'm Matthew Gilardi.

Do you have a moment?

Did David mention me, by any chance?

I don't think he did.

Well, I thought I'd drop off the details of
our buy-out offer so you can look it over.

The terms are quite generous,

especially the stock options.

Who are you to buy us out?

I never saw you before in my life.

I represent Kroehner Services, International.

A chain?

Kroehner is a family of quality
death-care facilities, Mrs. Fisher.

We have 157 units in Southern California,
and we're inviting you to be 158.

You really should discuss
this situation with your son, David.

I have two sons.

Really? I was only aware of one.

I know how many sons I have, Mr. Gilardi.

Yes, ma'am.

Just look at the numbers. I'll let myself out.

Good morning.

How are you folks today?

Don't expect to be popular.

Hey, baby!

Nate, look at you.

Look at you!

Four and a half months,
and this one wants out already.

Mr. Suarez ready to go?

Yeah, honey. We got a little problem.

My sister can't pick up Julio from pre-school.

She got another callback from
that cat food commercial. Your sister.

Well, what about my career, huh?

I can't do it. Not today.
David's head would explode.

Nate,

you oughtta remind your brother how many
clients I have referred to you guys from here,

and tell him to cut Rico some slack.

Rico, go.

I'm the new boss, right?

OK.

I'm telling Dave you said I could.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can do this. I just need some help
getting him onto the gurney.

You can touch him if you wear one of these.

Believe me, he won't mind.

Alright. Pull the bed back.
Line it up with the gurney.

Alright.

Like this? Yeah.

Let me take this off for a second.

Alrighty.

You grab his shoulders.

On 3.

Ready?

1, 2, 3!

Whoa!

Angel lust.

Does that happen a lot?

A fair amount.

You can be dead,
but you're never really dead.

Hello? So I've been thinking.
We skipped way too many steps.

We need to have a first date.

OK.

I'm at Pino, Hollywood.
Know where that is?

You mean right now? Yeah.

Uh, I'd love to, but I've got a dead body
in the car with me.

Wow, I can certainly understand
why you wouldn't want to get away from that.

Come on. Just a glass of wine. 15 minutes.

The dead guy won't mind.

Do me a favor.
Keep out of the sun.

Yeah, sure.

I'd forgotten.

They make these noises, and air comes out.

It's like-

Dad knew that I hated this whole
fucked up business.

He should respect that.

And poor Dave, I'd be pissed, too,

although he does seem to take
to this extra Old Testament level.

So does that mean you're not
going back to Seattle on Sunday?

Fuck!

OK. Don't think about it.

Tell me about yourself.

Like this is our first date and we never
had sex before you knew my name.

You mean the recap of major life events told
in a humorous and self-deprecating manner,

which almost always gets me laid?

No. Why not?

I'm not that guy with you.

Who are you?

I don't know. Somebody new.

It's because of your father.

You were with me at your most vulnerable.

You felt comfortable.

You felt really accepted.

You always analyze guys on the first date?

Only if they're interesting.

Oh, so you think I'm interesting?

Oh, yeah.

I don't meet that many men with
dead guys with hard-ons in their car.

So when Mrs. Swanson's credit card
didn't go through, I ran a credit check,

and they were in debt up to their ears.

We have a $3,200 Titan Casket
being delivered tomorrow.

Why didn't you tell me there's
an offer to buy us out?

I know what you and Dad thought
of Kroehner Service, International.

You don't know what I think.

Not that it matters to you.

And Nate is not your enemy.

He'll do whatever you want.

Why do you say that?

He spent his entire life doing what he wants.

Dad must've really hated me.

Hush!

It's Fisher & Sons, and that's gotta continue.

And you're never gonna have any kids.

Well, it's about time.
What took you so long?

I stopped to eat.

I wish you'd called.

I think Mr. Suarez kinda shit himself.
Is that normal? You stopped to eat?

Do you have any respect for human life at all?

I have a huge respect for human life.

I just didn't know they can take a dump when they're dead.

Well, they can. Make a note.

Boys, I don't like this bickering.

Yeah? Well, I don't like you sleeping
with hairdressers.

Look, don't take this out on Mom.

What is it you wanna say to me?

Well, there's a body that spent over
two hours in a van,

unrefrigerated, decomposing at a rate
much faster than you could ever imagine.

Thanks for making my life just
that much more difficult.

Thanks for undermining
my authority with our employees.

And thanks for making it
so clear to me that my choice

to dedicate myself to this business
and to this family was really stupid,

because, apparently, I would've been
rewarded just the same for wasting my life.

Oh, my life is a waste?

Fuck you! At least I enjoy it.

Well, lucky you.

Dave, at least let me help.

You've helped enough.

It's just not fair that my whole
life is being decided by other people.

Hey,

college is paid for,

they have great parties,

no student loans to pay off.

I'm not exactly a party person.

By the way, that shit you gave me
the night my dad died, it really fucked me up.

I'm sorry about that.

You should be.

Why is college like the only option?

I don't even know what I wanna do.

I just feel like there's something inside me.

I'd just like to figure out what it is before
I get like completely reprogrammed.

Hey, nobody could reprogram you.

You're the most original girl in the school.

Come on. Look at this car that you drive.

This face that you drive.

Thanks a lot,

liar.

I'm serious.

You know how much guts it takes
to be somebody like you?

You can touch him if you wear one of these.

Believe me, he won't mind.

He won't care.

Well, whaddaya got there, David?

Who is that?

That's him? That's Mr. Bloomberg?

Put him right down next to him there,
and see if it is.

Oh, my goodness!

Yeah, you're OK, David.

Mom wants to see us.

I'm going on a hike with someone.

OK.

OK?!? I am not asking your permission, David.

I am your mother. How dare you?

You both have private lives, and I know it.

Why shouldn't I?

You should.

Go.

Excuse me. I need her to meet
with Mrs. Swanson.

It's Fisher and Sons.

Well, this sucks.

I have to got to fight for a hole
in the ground at Rosemont Cemetary,

or Mr. and Mrs. Suarez won't be buried together.

They'll be on opposite sides of
the goddamned freeway.

Dave,

listen.

Can I do anything to help?

Can you tell Adele Swanson we know she's broke
and can't afford the funeral she ordered?

Can you do that?

I guess.

Yes.

The Swansons are con-artists.

They run a franchise pyramid scheme.

They have no money,
and they're not gonna con us too.

I made some notes in case
you're not familiar with credit reports.

You know, I work with vendors.

Big ones. National ones.
I'm not an idiot.

I can do this.

Thank you.

Shit.

What?

Do you...

have to be anywhere tonight?

Not really.

The other Mrs. Fisher recommended
the $9000 coffin.

I didn't ask for it.

I think cremation is much more dignified,

and it's within range,
given the financial situation.

Chandler created Beauty Vision.

We have franchises in 13 states
and the nation of Uruguay.

How much did you know about
your husband's business?

Because he's been running up
bad debts for some time.

We were always moving.
I just thought it was because

he was making so much money.

Each place was nicer than the last.

His former partners are suing him.

He had several credit cards maxed out,

run-ins with the IRS dating to 1996,

and Yale University would like him to
stop telling people he went there.

This can't be happening.

I have a baby.

I can't go back to waitressing,

and now you're telling me
we can't even afford a coffin?

What will people think?

Mrs. Swanson,
I'm sitting here thinking why don't you rent it?

How much would that be?

How much do you have?

I don't know.
My ATM card's not working.

We'll work something out.

And afterwards, we'll give you his ashes in an urn.

You really loved him, didn't you?

OK. ItAs OK.

ItAs alright, let it out.

I think it's good you told your boys about me.

Are you kidding? It was insane.

I certainly didn't choose to do it.

It just happened. It was brave.

It was guilt.

I loved my husband.

I know you did.

Hiram,

when I think of us now,

I feel like I'm watching the whole thing
on some sex channel on cable TV.

Is that right?

Yes,

and that my husband might be watching us, too.

I want some changes made, I"ll tell you that.

I'm not answering dead calls
all night long anymore.

Let them hire somebody, or

sell the business, or whatever.

I want to take you somewhere
away from all of this.

No. They're adults.

They can take care of themselves.

I have 2 plane tickets to Costa Rica
a week from Monday.

Separate rooms.

I was 19 when I got married.

I've never been on my own.

I wouldn't even know how.

I'm sorry.

You're a very kind person,
and you've been good to me.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Good choice in music.

It's from his car.

It's the last CD he ever heard.

Adele Swanson,

your husband owes me $45,000!

Listen, he kept it all from her.

Now she's broke with a baby,
and you're going to leave her alone.

- Who the fuck are you?
- I own this place.

Now get the hell out before I call the cops.

You people suck!

What was that?

Some freak Swanson owed money to.

Nate, I notice Mr. Swanson is in the Titan Casket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but she's giving it back.
I made the deal for cremation.

They can't give it back.
By law, it has to be burned with him.

You just cost us $9000, you fucking moron.

What?!?

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm so sorry about your father.

Jennifer.

I was in Boca Raton.

My mom had to have her hip replaced.

Oh, dear. How is she?

She's fine, thanks.

So I didn't find out about Mr. Fisher till yesterday.

I'm just heartbroken about it.

I'll miss him. Well, he adored you.

Oh, David,

I won't be answering the phones anymore.

Uh-ok.

Now every part of your body has
a new meaning to me.

We should go. Like your nose.

Come on.

And your little hand.

Hands, I get.

And your toes. You're tickling!

Alright, here, try these.
You can play with mine.

You're right. Now I don't feel anything.

See? It's perfect.

Would you, um,

no, I'm embarrassed. What?

Would you rub it?

OK.

You're making my toe hard.

Do you wanna kiss it? Your toe?!?

No. Come on, I'll do something for you.

Anything.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh...

Please!

Uh... Filthy... Shit... Fuck.

Hey, Nate.

Keith.

I met you at your Dad's viewing.

Oh, yeah, David's racquetball partner. Yeah.

Is David inside?

No. He went out for dinner with his ex-fiancee.

She missed DadAs funeral,
and they were pretty close, so-

Yeah, that's cool. I understand completely.

I have his cell phone number,
if you wanna give him a call.

Already gave it a shot.
He didn't answer.

Hey, is David any good?

At racquetball? Because we used
to play when I was in high school,

and he was pathetic, running into walls-

Yeah, I think you'd be surprised
just how good he's gotten.

Well, I'll tell him you came by.

Thanks.

Dear God!

I need to get his watch.
I need to sell it for the money.

My life is over!

This is a hard time. The hardest.

It was all a lie! He left us with nothing,
because there never was anything.

Bastard!

I almost died when I saw our
engagement pictures still on your mantle.

Why? My family loved you.

My father especially.

He loved you.

Yeah, he had a funny way of showing it.

I'm drunk.

Then I can ask.

Are you happy?

I'm still me.

Your father knew.

We had coffee once, and he said he
understood why we couldn't be together.

He said you spent so much time trying
to make other people happy,

you never thought about yourself.

He worried about that.

So,

do you have anyone now?

Can you tell me about him?

You're completely wrong about my father.
You didn't know him at all.

Nobody did.

Let's get a room at a hotel,
and fuck our brains out.

How about it?

Jesus, David!

Hi. I got your message.

Sorry I didn't call you back.
I had to go out to County Hospital.

The body's still in Long Beach.

Autopsy's not even finished yet.
It's unbelievable.

How was the meeting?

Everyone asked about you.

They wanna meet you.

I wanna meet them.

I'm a little drunk.
You might have to undress me.

OK.

Right after you stop lying to me.

Um, Brenda.

Yes, Nate?

Why is my name tattooed on your ass?

It's not your name.

Yes, it is.

You're not the only person named that.

Nate, it's a coincidence.

It's not you or anyone you know.

Come on, you think I'm
so enamored with you,

I had your name burned into my flesh?

Then how come I never saw it before?

We've had sex twice.

Once with our clothes on,

and once in the dark after
three martinis a piece.

Well, you obviously liked some guy enough
to have his name burned in your flesh.

I would have done a lot more than that for him.

It's about time, you fucking moron.

What are you doing in there?

Could you help me out, you fucking moron?

Why can't you just climb out?

I think we both know the answer to that,
you fucking moron.

You really should do something about this.

It's really deep.

Might as well be bleeding.

Could you be a little more dramatic?

Oh, I could be a lot more dramatic.

What are you doing today?

Dave and I have to go get the registration
out of the wrecked hearse.

Insurance won't replace without it.

What time?

2:30, I think.

Take your cell phone.

OK.

Promise me you will.

Alright.

Oh, I don't feel like carbs this morning.

Do we have any more of those
Stevie Nicks raspberries?

Claire,

do you have an eating disorder?

What?!? No, Mom, I wish.

Are you being helped?

Yeah, my pop's here-Suarez.

Of course.

The Titan Series.

Quite beautiful.

Give me a number.

9000.

You guys oughtta get your act together.

You see, your brother said that this was on special,

4500, and then he came down to 4000,
so why don't we start there?

That's not legal, reselling a coffin.

There are fluids that seep, OK?

And Mr. Swanson, he seeped.

What did you tell Mr. Suarez?

Hey, he wants a quality coffin.
We happen to have one available.

I don't agree with this at all.

- It's against my beliefs.
- Thank you, Federico.

And it's insanitary.

Well, they're dead.
What disease can they possibly catch?

It's too late, Nate.

It's a $9000 retail item.
Our cost is 3200.

We eat that, plus we lose the profit.

Wait. There's a $6000 mark-up?

Mr. Suarez, we cannot let you have that casket.

I'm sorry to hear that.

We can't legally sell it to you, because,

very briefly, it was occupied by another person.

3500. Sold!

Absolutely not.

David, don't be a fucking moron.

Look, fellas, let's split the difference,

because I've gotta get a haircut before the service.

My brother has no authorization-

Mr. Suarez, it's a $9000 product.

It's used one night.
You're getting it at cost to us.

Would you be willing to stipulate
that you understand the condition of the coffin?

Sure, whatever.

May I make a suggestion?

You've closed.

Don't overclose.

It kills the word-of-mouth.

Is that the best anybody could come up with?
"Father, husband, caregiver"?

How would you prefer?

"Introvert, sadist, mindfucker"?

Excuse me, Mr. Fisher?

Matt Gilardi.

Kroehner Services International.

I understand you're now part owner of the business.

You are aware we've made a very rich
buy-out offer for your unit.

OK.

This is a one time offer.

- I don't know about that.
- You think you can hold out?

We control suppliers now.

Where are you gonna get your chemicals?

How about your caskets and liners?

What about this Diaz kid?

I mean, this guy is a top-notch restorative artist.

Are you threatening to put us out of business?

We look at it as a partnership.

In the death care industry now, it's consolidate or die.

Decide which, Nate, and give me a ring,

'cause we will put things into motion, either way.

He'll put things in motion either way?

Ooo hoo! Tough guy! Shut up.

Right in here.

Sign this right here.

Well, it's totaled.
The insurance company was right about that.

Fuck!

There's still blood on the wheel!

OK, let's go.

Jesus, don't you feel anything?

Yeah, I feel betrayed.

Hello?

Meet me at the corner of Sunset and Borden.

Now. It's important.

What?

Bring your brother.

Trust me. You need to do this.

I spoke to Gilardi.

And?

He says we sell or they put us out of business.

Fuck.

I think we should sell.

And erase everything this family
has meant for fifty years?

That might not be such a bad thing.

Hey.

Brenda.

Uh, this is my brother, Dave.

Come on.

Come on, let's do this.

This is the bus.

What bus?

The bus.

Brenda, this isn't funny.

This is fucked up.

What gives you the right to do something like this?

He's...

I never...