Sister, Sister (1994–1999): Season 4, Episode 20 - Inherit the Twin - full transcript

Okay, when it comes

to little j.

- The acorn doesn't fall
- far from the...?

- -Five straight-up.
- -Yep.

-We're going to church.

-Make mine butterscotch.

- Are any of you guys
- following this?

Man, Tia started hanging

with these two brainiacs

from her honors class

- and I never know
- what they're saying.



- I might as well
- be listening to this:

Excuse me, but what the heck

are you guys talking about?

Oh... oh, we're just

playing a word game.

- See, Johnny newsome's
- little brother

Is just like him, you know,

- "the acorn doesn't
- fall far from the tree."

But instead of "tree",

I said "five straight-up"

like a palm, you know?

- And I take "palm"
- and get "church"

'cause of palm Sunday.

Yeah, and "sundae"



is my favorite dessert,

especially with

butterscotch topping.

- -Hmmm!
- -Get it?

Uh, no.

- I'm pretty much
- out of the loop here, but...

- That's the point
- of your dumb game, right?

What?

No, no, tamera.

You can play, too.

It's easy. Watch.

Hey, guys, is it me

or has Charlotte penway

put on some...

- -I.d.4?
- -Show me your green card.

Your turn, tamera.

Tamer-ichka...

"Help me!"

- ♪ Talk about
- a two-way twister ♪

♪ shakin' up the family tree

with sibling synchronicity ♪

♪ never knew

how much I missed ya ♪

♪ I ain't ever gonna

let you go! ♪

- ♪ Never knew
- how much I missed ya ♪

♪ I ain't ever gonna

let you go ♪

Oh, ray.

What's in the big box?

-Guess.

-Uh, a very large diamond?

-No.

A really small car?

-No.

- Ooh! Ooh! I know, I know!
- Oh, ray, you got me

- That statue of Luther
- from inside the silverdome.

-Afraid not.

- Wait a minute now,
- is there a present in that box

- -for me or not?
- -Not really.

- Well, then
- who gives a duck's butt?

-Lisa, come back here.

- Actually, this is a gift
- for the whole family.

- It's a brand-new
- home entertainment center.

You mean, it's just

a bunch of shelves?

Far from it, my fine friend!

Direct from Sweden,

this is a genuine

hoogenstragen-2000.

- Well, technically,
- it's a bunch of shelves,

- But just wait
- till it's fully assembled.

- So, well,
- when are the carpenters coming?

Carpenters?

I don't need

no stinking carpenters!

- I'm gonna whop
- this sucker together myself!

What's going on, dad?

- You're not gonna "build"
- something again, are you?

Why don't you two womenfolk

go do something womeney?

Let a man handle this.

"Build something." Yeah,

I'm gonna build something.

Oh, I wish homework

made me laugh.

I usually weep

from start to finish.

No, no, no, tamera,

this isn't my homework.

- -It's my slam book.
- -Ooh! Gossip! Let me see!

- -Let me see! Let me see!
- -No, no. I'm sorry. I can't.

- Paula, Alison and I only show
- our slam books to each other.

- They'd kill me
- if I showed anyone else.

But I'm not anybody else, Tia.

I'm your twin, kin.

- You know,
- "shared a womb, share a room?"

- -Give me that book.
- -No, no, tamera!

Okay, fine.

- There's probably some
- mighty juicy tidbits in there

About teachers

and friends, but...

It's none of my business.

- Slam on, little sister,
- slam on.

- Thank you.
- I knew you'd understand.

-Tamera!

- I see she wouldn't let you
- take a look either.

- I peeped so hard
- over her shoulder

I think that I popped

my gluteus tooteus.

Oh! Look, guys,

this is for Paula

and Alison's eyes only.

Nothing personal, man.

Oh, as if!

- I know there's something
- about me in that book.

- That's why you
- won't let me see.

Tamera, that's ridiculous.

-Is it? I think not.

- I know
- your honor class buddies think

They're just so

way smarter than me

with your little secret books

and your code languages.

- You're probably
- talking behind my back

Right in front of me.

Tamera!

I could never do that!

Come on.

You're my best friend.

Great. So, uhm,

you wanna go to lunch today?

Ooh... uh, actually, I can't.

- -I'm meeting Paula and Alison.
- Paula and Alison.

But listen, you can come, too.

- I don't think
- you want me there, Tia.

- 'Cause then
- how could you talk about me?

Wha...?

Ladies,

I finally found my calling.

- You're looking
- at the next flee Bailey.

-Who?

You know, the lawyer,

flee Bailey?

That's "f. Lee Bailey,"

you big goof.

I object! Out of order!

See me in my chambers!

See? I'm a natural,

just like Trevor and Todd.

Who?

Welcome home.

Where have you been?

- Trevor and Todd?
- The new transfer students

- That started up
- a student court?

- I was just down there
- watching 'em

-struttin' and rebuttin'.

Here they come!

- This could be your big chance
- to hook up with a celebrity.

Beautify yourselves.

- Hey, now,
- don't go crowding us.

- We have to go
- and prepare our briefs.

-Isn't that right, Trevor?

-As rain, Todd, my brother.

- And how are we
- gonna prepare those briefs?

I prepare mine by

soaking them overnight

- in a dainty dish
- of lavender water.

Then I put them on...

- -One leg at a time!
- -One leg at a time!

You guys are fun-NY.

Hey, hey, ease up, happy.

-Yeah! And introduce us

to this double dose

of whoa mama!

-Glad to, gentlemen.

- This is Tia Landry
- and this is tamera Campbell.

- Their last names
- are different...

- Look! Here's a quarter, junior.
- Go see if you're home

- And if you ain't,
- get there, pardner.

-All right now.

So, uh, Trevor,

which one do you want?

-What?

-Oh, not her.

- She's got
- a little too much at-ti-tude.

Hey, no problem, bro.

I'll tame 'er.

What are you guys

talking about?

Us... and you.

- I mean, you
- wanna go out with us, right?

Both: No!

Excuse-ay us.

-Let me holler at you, man.

Uh, Todd, I believe

this is a first for us.

- Yeah, Trevor,
- we've been double-dissed!

And in public to boot.

-Uhm.

-It can't be our good looks.

-Nah. We're too pretty.

- Let's give 'em
- one more chance.

- And be a little nicer
- this time.

All right, all right.

-All right, uh...

Which one of us... do you want?

-What's up with you two, man?

- Look, we don't
- wanna hurt your feelings...

- But we got no choice.
- Get the heck out of here!

- Put your nikes on your bikeys
- and keep on peddlin'.

Go on, shoo-shoo.

- All right, ladies.
- If that's the way you want it.

Hey there, little fella...

- I hope you realize
- we were kidding

- -when we told you to get lost.
- -Oh, you were?

- Why don't you
- treat us to lunch?

Yeah, and give us the 411

on snooty and the "no" -fish.

Now, you see, those two

are going in the book.

-See you, tamera.

-Hasta la vista, sister.

Hey, Tia,

you left your locker... open.

Read me!

No! No-no-no-no, I shouldn't.

Reeeeeead meeeeeeee!

- All right! All right!
- Just shut up!

Tia: Hey, tamera?

-Huh? Wha-wha-wha..?

I was just thinking.

- How about
- if I walk you to class?

Oh, okay. Well, uh,

walk kind of slow.

- I think I'm having
- a heart attack.

- Okay! Maybe
- my ears are a little big,

But my mom says

I'll grow into them.

O-Kay?

I gotta hand it to you, Tia.

- Sure do know
- how to jump-start an afternoon.

Uh?

What are you talking about?

This.

Oh, my gosh.

It's a copy of my slam book.

Roger, where did you get it?

There's a stack of 'em

outside the cafeteria.

- This is the biggest scandal
- to hit the school

- Since Mr. Bonto came back
- as miss bonto.

-Oh, my gosh.

It's gone!

Oh, tamera...

- Tell me you didn't
- break into my locker.

- I swear I didn't, Tia.
- It was already open.

Oh, so you

did take my slam book!

- No, no, I took it for a second.
- And then I put it right back.

Then where is it, tamera?

- Look, I knew you were mad at me
- 'cause of Paula and Alison,

- But I can't believe
- you'd take my slam book

- And showed it
- around the school!

- -What?!
- -Oh my god...

Miss Campbell, there's

a nasty rumor going around

- that you cheated
- on your math test.

Me? But...

-I didn't, principal Gordon.

-Oh, is that so?

Well, your c+

just became a "see me."

- You're gonna have
- to take the test over.

Oh...

Oh, come on!

That's not fair!

Who said I cheated

on my math test?!

Well, here's a clue:

- "My sister cheated
- on her math test."

Both: What?

- I knew you were
- writing stuff about me.

- Wait a minute,
- tamera.

I never wrote that.

I didn't write anything

on this page.

- Okay, okay, it looks like
- my handwriting, but I'm tell...

- Duh, Tia! Because
- it is your handwriting.

How could you do this to me?

-Tamera!

-Thanks a lot, Tia!

Now everybody thinks I'm bald.

And I do not buy my shoes

at the swap meet.

-I didn't...

People, people! Now this woman

has not been found guilty

in a court of law.

- Let's give her a chance
- to clear her good name.

-Yes! Let's.

-But what about her good name?

- This innocent child
- stands accused of being

- A cheater and a thief.
- I wouldn't take it.

-Right, I shouldn't.

-Wait a minute, Todd.

- Now, how are these two
- gonna settle this?

- I don't think they can,
- Trevor.

At least not without our help.

- They oughta take
- their case to student court.

- Both: 'Cause
- I can prove you innocent.

- Well, you are too down sleazy
- to go out with.

Probably makes you

a heck of a lawyer.

- -You're on!
- -You're hired!

Both: See you in court!

- Okay now, girls,
- enough is enough,

Now you two have got to talk.

- Because if you don't,
- there's this big all silence,

- And I cannot handle silence,
- it is just too awkward.

- Like, I hear silence,
- I just gotta to...

- -i gotta keep talking and...
- -mom!

-Thank you, baby.

- Look, mom, I'm sorry,
- but I can't make up with her.

- Not only did she spread
- my slam book

Around the whole school,

- she added
- a whole page of mean stuff

-i never even wrote.

-I did not!

- Why in the world
- would I write that I cheated

- And then pass it around
- for the whole school to see?!

-I... don't know.

-Maybe to throw me off.

-That would be so stupid, Tia.

- That's why you're
- the prime suspect.

-Tia!

Oh, that's all right, Lisa.

- I didn't have to read
- her old slam book

- To know
- how she really felt about me.

Tia,

there's no reason for you

- to talk to your sister
- like that.

Words can hurt.

I'm sorry, mom.

I didn't mean it.

It's just that I'm so furious.

Everything I wrote

- in my slam book
- was supposed to be private.

Now nobody's talking

to me, mom.

I never wrote that stuff

to hurt people's feelings.

But you wrote it.

- Honey, it looks like you got
- slammed by your own slam book.

Well, it's totally

tamera's fault.

-Well, it's all Tia's fault.

- Look, honey, Lisa and I
- did everything we could

To have you two talk it over,

but it's just not working.

- So I guess
- student court couldn't hurt.

-Hand me the furgen, will you?

-What's a "furgen"?

-I was hoping you knew.

- Ah, connect the furgen
- to the shleeestigun dyordtsk.

Right! It's the door!

Put the door...

-Piece of cake.

-Dad, I just can't believe

Tia would turn on me like this.

I mean, you don't think I did

any of those things, do you?

Oh, of course not, honey.

Look! Think I've done it.

-Wish me luck, dad.

-Ah... good luck, honey.

Ah, this is wonderful.

Um, uh, honey? Yo?

Uh, help me here. Lisa?

And in conclusion,

I will prove her innocent

-of all such charges.

Boy: Yes.

Can you believe this jerk?

Go on, lawyer. Sic 'im!

Don't worry. I got your back.

Uh... w-which one

are you again?

- -Tamera, the innocent one.
- -Oh, oh, yeah.

- I should write
- that down somewhere.

I'd just like to say...

She did it! Oh, yeah!

She's the one!

-Oh, she did it!

Thank you!

- What the heck
- kind of student court is this?

-Mr. Evans,

how many times would you say

that you've asked my client,

Tia Landry, out for a date?

Uh, seven million.

-I see.

Now, recount for us,

if you will,

her last excuse for not going.

- She said
- she had to wash her hair.

And yet, the very next day,

she came to school

- -wearing a hat.
- -Yeah, but...

A hat that could've been hiding

a headful of unwashed hair.

- Look, just
- answer the question, man.

- -What question?
- -Oh, well, then, you admit it.

She is a liar.

No more questions.

-You disgust me.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
- wait a minute!

- You're supposed to be
- my lawyer.

- What... what
- are you doing to me?

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Wait a minute! You're supposed
- to be my lawyer.

What are you doing to me?"

- Why it always
- got to be all about you?

Mr. Evans, isn't it true

from the moment you first

laid eyes on my client...

- Right there, look at her,
- looking innocent...

-she stole your heart?

-Uh-huh.

So you admit it! She's a thief!

No more questions.

You disgust me.

-I object!

-You can't.

Only Todd can do that.

He's your lawyer.

- -That's what I'm objecting to!
- -Let's take a recess.

Oh, goodie, I love recess!

Hacky sack in the hallway.

Lawyers, yoo-hoo? Excuse me.

Could we have a teeny

little conference?

-Yeah, come here. Uh-huh.

- -What the heck
- is going on here?!

You're not defending us;

you're embarrassing us.

Ooh. And in public, too.

Oh, now, that must smart.

How's it feel

to be double-dissed?

Yo, guys,

why you baggin' on me?

- Yesterday at lunch you said
- we were gonna be buds,

- You know, if I told you
- all you needed to know

About Tia and tamera.

-We're lawyers. We lied.

- -Sue us.
- -Oh, sue us, Todd.

-Funny stuff, guy.

Yeah.

Wait a minute, Tia.

Didn't your slam book disappear

right after lunch yesterday?

Yes.

Tamera, I think

we've been set up.

- I'm getting out of here,
- right now.

- No, no, no, no, no,
- wait, wait, wait, wait.

- It's time to turn the tables
- on them chuckleheads.

- Lisa: Ray, you don't know
- what you're doing.

- So, why don't you
- let me help you?

Because you're a woman.

I would be breaking the code.

- -Give me that.
- -What code?

The guy code!

The code that says

"only men build things."

- It's sort of how we
- evolved as a species:

- Neanderthal man, cro-magnon man
- and then handyman.

-You're talking like crazy man.

- You are going to let me
- help you.

- -But, Lisa...
- -Ah, come on, we will not

Break your code.

- We're just gonna bend it
- a little bit.

- You build the darn thing
- and I stand and I'll tell you

Everything that you did wrong.

Yeah, women got our code, too.

- -Hey, Thelma, where's Louise?
- -I'm not sure.

I haven't seen her

since the recess.

Your honor, let's not waste

- any more of this
- court's valuable time.

Yes, it's pretty obvious

that both of our clients are...

Both: Guilty, guilty, guilty.

What?! That's crazy.

I'm telling you I didn't do it.

- Well, I'm about to prove
- who did

- And who's behind
- this whole thing.

-You are?

-Boy, I hope so.

Your honor,

I stand accused of being

stupid enough to cheat.

Well, I didn't cheat

but I am stupid,

and so is my sister.

-You tell them, tamera.

Tia, we have been pretty dumb.

- I mean, to accuse each other
- of all this stuff?

You know I would never

steal anything from you.

Well, yeah...

And you oughta know

that I'd never lie about you.

- We wouldn't do anything
- to hurt each other.

- -But somebody would.
- -Yep.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your honor,

- my client
- is obviously delusional.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah,
- and she talking crazy, too.

Oh, really? Well...

- Who had something to gain
- from all of this?

- Could it be someone
- who pumped our best friend

Into digging up

some dirt on us?

Or someone who grabs

every chance to come here

and show out in front

of your friends?

Or... someone who wanted

to get back at us

'cause we turned

them down for dates?

Man... that sound like us.

-Shut up!

- -You don't have any proof.
- -Oh, yeah?

- Well,
- what would you call a handprint

Left on a xerox machine,

linking you to the crime?

Mercy!

Proof! Proof!

Oh, they found the proof!

Oh, they caught us!

Oh! They caught us!

"Us"? "Us"?

What do you mean, "us"?

- Look, y'all,
- I had nothing to do with this.

Your honor, I'm just a pawn

in that man's evil scheme.

Case dismissed!

Gentlemen, can I see you

in my office... now?

-You disgust me.

Tamera, that was great.

- Now, where did you
- come up with the evidence?

What evidence?

Guess I'm not

so stupid after all.

Wow. I'm impressed, dad.

- With the help of Lisa,
- this is the first time

- You ever built something
- that looked like the picture.

-Come on, Tia.

Oh, girls...

- I'm glad you've
- settled your differences.

Oh, so am I, mom.

- I promise,
- I'm through with slam books.

- They just get you
- into too much trouble.

- Hey, Tia, how come
- you didn't write

Anything bad about me?

Tamera, I've got

nothing bad to say.

You're my sister

and I love you.

- -Ah, you do?
- -Yeah!

-Excuse me for a second.

-Where you going?

Um...

I started my own slam book

and, uh, I gotta cross

a few things out.

- -It's beautiful, isn't it?
- -Yeah.

Oh, you know, ray, it felt good

working side-by-side

to build something.

- Kind of reminded me
- of our relationship.

We started off a little shaky,

- did a lot of yelling,
- but in the end

- We put in the time and effort
- to make it right.

- Yes, we did. And now we have
- something as solid as a rock.

Both:

- -You see what you did?!
- -I told you

- A woman should have nothing
- to do with this!

You could come, too.

Oh, I know

you don't want me there, Tia.

Man: Oh!

-I'm sorry.

- She didn't know her line,
- I knew it.

I didn't cheat!

- You're my sister,
- and I love you.

-Excuse me for a second.

-Where you going?

Um...

I started my own slam bit...