Sister, Sister (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 6 - Free Billy - full transcript

- Welcome to suit city.
- We've got black suits.

- We've got gray suits.
- We've got blue suits.

- We got Italian suits.
- We got double-breasted - Suits...

- If you need a plumber,
- I'm a plumber.

That's Jack plummer,

the plumber.

Hey, this is my hair.

I used to be bald,

but now I'm not.

It isn't a wig.

It isn't a weave.



It's not even a spray.

Here comes the king.

Wow, it's the bedspread king!

So, what do you think?

Lame-o.

And your head's

kind of a weird

shape for a crown.

You really want to make

a commercial like this?

- No, no, no.
- My commercial

- Is going to be
- much better than this.

- This is just
- so we get some ideas.

- You really think I have
- a weird-shaped head?



Dad, is this going

to take much longer?

- No, no,
- just hang in there.

I just have a few more.

- If I'm as naked as the tread
- on your old tires...

- ♪ You need Hank
- you need Hank ♪

- That's the one!
- I love it!

Yep! You know,

I wouldn't look

any further.

Are you kidding me?!

My commercials

will be classier,

more sophisticated.

Puh-leeze.

- ♪ You need ray
- you need ray ♪

- ♪ you need help
- you need help ♪

♪ Talk about

a two-way twister ♪

♪ shakin' up the family tree

with sibling synchronicity ♪

♪ never knew

how much I missed you ♪

♪ I ain't ever gonna

let... you... go ♪

So how many cookies

do you think you can

fit in your mouth?

That's the stupidest

question.

Regular

or double-stuffed?

Girls, listen to this.

Yes?

- Come on,
- quit fooling around.

I need a slogan,

something with pizzazz.

I'm torn between

"drive with ray"

or "ride with ray."

"Ride with ray,"

"drive with ray."

Which one?

- Dad, forget
- the slogan for now.

- You need to focus
- on talent.

- And we're loaded
- with talent.

Twin talent.

If that's too gimmicky,

you can just use me.

- Hey, you're nothing
- without me.

Lucy, Ethel,

neither one of you

are getting into the show.

Mr. Campbell,

I just want to let you know

that the camera adds

two inches to my height.

Look, I appreciate

everyone's enthusiasm,

- but I'm going
- with big names.

Really? Who?

Uh, Denzel, Whitney...

You can get them?

Their look-alikes.

- You know,
- a lot of people say

I'm the spitting image

of prince.

- Here, princey, princey,
- princey, princey.

Quit dogging me, girl.

I got it.

Hello? Yeah.

Janet Jackson look-alike?

- Eddie Murphy? - Great!
- Ooh.

Put an offer

out to both of them.

See which one bites.

How much?!

Hey, I can get prince

for free!

Ah-ah-ah, who said

anything about free?

Take it or leave it.

- Okay, but I want a trailer
- with a hot tub.

Anything else, Roger?

- Can you put a girl
- in the hot tub?

Go home, Roger.

- Girls, I'm going
- to make you stars.

Thanks, ray.

- Dad, I'm so glad
- you're cheap.

Yeah.

I can't talk.

There are still miracles.

Oh, my baby, my baby.

Your mama

almost died today.

- I thought I'd never
- see you again.

Come to my bosom, baby.

Oh, and my dear,

dear tamera.

Oh...

Oh, hi, ray.

Mom, what happened?

It's a long story.

- I'll start
- at the beginning.

- What happened
- to "I can't talk"?

My lunch with Terrence

almost turned out to be

my last supper.

- I mean, one minute
- you're sitting there

- Enjoying a double-cut
- pork chop,

- And the next minute you're
- gasping for your last breath.

You almost choked?

- No, it was the lady
- sitting behind me.

Why was she eating

your pork chop?

There will be a question

and answer period afterward.

Oh, lunch,

it started out

so romantic.

Terrence and I couldn't take

our eyes off each other.

Then, suddenly,

a woman

at a table behind us

started to choke.

- Of course,
- I was the first to notice.

I was so proud of Terrence.

He was using

all his manly strength.

- He applied
- the heimlich maneuver.

Of course,

I was ready to jump

out of my chair to assist

when Terrence's efforts

finally paid off.

The pork chop bone

came flying out

of the woman's mouth,

whacking me in the head.

- I was knocked out cold
- and fell facedown in my soup.

I was drowning.

Poor Terrence.

He must have been terrified

- watching the woman
- of his dreams

Lying lifeless

in a sea of minestrone.

It gets kind of fuzzy

after that.

It was the most terrifying

experience of my life.

Oh, this is funny to you?

I amuse you?

I'm a clown?

- We're sorry.
- I know it's very serious,

But this is the first time

I've ever heard of death

by soup.

Oh, mom, I'm really glad

you're okay.

Oh, honey.

Ooh, I can't believe it.

I... I think

I saw "the light."

It was silver

and shining.

Maybe it was your spoon.

- Ray, don't mock
- the near-dead.

- Everything was
- all jumbled up.

- You know, I tell you,
- I'm still shaking.

- W-Well, maybe
- you should go and rest.

- Yeah, I'm going to crawl
- into bed for a week.

- Ooh, I just - can't keep my mind
- Off the experience.

- I-I can't think
- of anything else.

- Well, that's too bad
- because we were all talking

- About being
- in the commercial tomorrow.

Where's my script?

No. No, no, no,

I can't, I can't.

- I've tangled
- with the grim reaper.

I need to reflect.

I need to find

meaning in it all.

Come on, Lisa.

Aren't you being

a little dramatic?

No, no.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I... I want to be alone.

Hello.

I'm Lenny, the director.

But feel free

to just call me Lenny.

Okay, Lenny.

- Look, I don't know
- about all this.

- Don't you think
- this looks a little tacky?

No. No, no, no, no,

your majesty.

Could you get up?

Ray, just trust me.

You're going to love it.

Wait till you see your queen.

- Oh, I have a queen?
- Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Here she is.

- Uh, word
- to the wise, ray.

- Don't get involved
- with your leading lady.

Lenny, I'm a respected

businessman.

I will not have

a pig for a queen.

- Ray, we're up against
- the clock here.

You got any better ideas?

Yeah, another director.

Dump the queen.

Good instincts, ray.

We'll-we'll put her

in the background, okay?

Fix his crown.

- He's got
- a weird-shaped head.

I hate this.

I love this.

You know, I always thought

of myself as a Princess.

Wow, check this out!

You're so cute.

What's your name?

Ooh, I'm tamera.

- Don't tell anyone
- I just did that.

Billy!

Get your big,

pink butt over there!

- You don't have
- to yell at him.

Hey, I've spent

my whole life with pigs.

What a surprise.

He looks hungry.

He works better that way.

- Move it, you worthless
- piece of pork.

Poor Billy.

Forsooth, any damsels

need any cheering up?

Excuse me, flute boy,

take off those pants.

Now, that's entertainment!

I feel naked.

Ah, m'ladies.

Ah, m'dad.

- Now, girls,
- don't be nervous.

You'll do just fine.

Follow my lead.

Whoo, that's loud.

Welcome to Roy's limo.

Ah, Ray's limo.

I'm ray.

Cut!

Welcome to Ray's llamas.

Did I say, "llamas"?

Cut!

Welcome to...

Line?

Cut!

- You don't have
- to do it like that.

Just do... do that...

Ray's limo,

take 49.

Welcome to Ray's limos,

where everyone

is treated like royalty.

Ow!

Oops! Cut!

- Meanwhile,
- mom's near-death experience

- Made her want to clean
- her slate, make amends,

And apologize to anybody

she had ever wronged.

- Louie, I know it was
- just a blind date,

- But when I opened the door,
- I shouldn't have said,

"I wish I were blind."

That was cold.

Sorry, Sylvia,

for not stopping

that ugly rumor about you.

Oh, I'm sorry

for starting it, too.

Jenny, sorry

I was mean to you.

Robert, sorry I lied.

Teddy, sorry

I was rude to you.

I.r.s.?

Uh, never mind.

Thanks for understanding.

Bye.

Feels good

to have a clean slate.

Billy, you were great.

Of course, you did

ham it up a little.

You stupid pig!

Get in your cage.

Come on!

Ow! Ooh!

You've bitten me

for the last time.

Consider yourself

honey-baked.

- Do you think
- she'd really do that?

- She'd be the first one
- at the table.

And the last.

- Look how small
- his cage is.

- He can't even
- move around.

- He doesn't have
- any friends.

And he's crying.

So give the king a ring.

My coach awaits you.

Cut!

Maybe I should

do it again.

No. No.

Ray, there's no way

you could be any better.

- Thanks.
- Yo, king ray.

- The girls wanted
- me to tell you

- That they got
- a little tired,

- So they took
- the bus home.

- Oh, that's okay.
- And, Roger,

- I want to thank you
- for hanging in there

- With me to the end.
- It means a lot to me.

- I'm here for you, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, Roger,

my ride's finally here.

- Thanks for waiting
- with me.

That's my Guinevere.

Hey, you need a ride?

Yeah!

You know, I resisted

these tights at first,

- but they seem
- to be working for me.

- Okay, people,
- that's a wrap!

Let's go!

Look, it-it was a pleasure

working with all of you.

- And I want to thank you
- for your hard work

And, uh, for pitching...

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Billy?

Billy?!

Where's my pig?

I've looked everywhere.

Billy's gone.

Billy's gone!

Billy's gone!

So, Billy's gone.

Hey, don't worry.

How far can a pig go, huh?

What do you say

we look for this pig?

- You're safe
- with us, Billy.

- You'll never be abused
- by that mountain woman again.

Tamera, what is our plan?

We don't have a plan...

We just have a pig in a wig.

Boy, you really

do like those apples!

Like, she's never done that.

- I can't believe
- we're pignappers.

- Don't worry,
- we'll figure something out.

- Right now all we have to do
- is hide him from our parents.

Yeah, how hard

can that be?

Girls, is that you?

- She's off
- her diet again.

Lisa, you're eating us out

of house and home!

Go home, Roger.

Breakfast, everyone!

I've got eggs!

I've got toast!

I've got bacon!

So, while we were

hiding the pig

- and trying to figure out
- what to do,

Mom was on a search

of her own.

Oh, heavenly father,

I come to you lost

and bewildered.

Dear Jesus,

I lift up my soul

and seek thy guidance.

Why me?

Why minestrone?

Why a ceiling fan?

- Why, lord?
- Why?! Why?!

You okay?

Why?!

I mean...

Hi, father.

Well, hello.

Haven't seen you

for a while.

I know, I know.

- But I've been doing a lot
- of independent praying,

Kind of freelance thing.

But recently... I had two

near-death experiences.

Two?

I'll just step over here.

Huh?

Just a little church humor.

Well, thanks, father,

but you can save those

jokes for bingo night.

It's just,

I don't understand it.

You know, sometimes

the lord just...

Wants to get our attention.

- I just keep
- asking myself,

Why is the lord

trying to get rid of me?

- Well, did you ever
- think perhaps

- God is the one
- sparing you?

Ooh, I like that.

What's the catch?

Well,

maybe god

has a purpose for you.

Could be your work

here isn't done.

My work. Hmm.

Hey, I could see myself

a missionary type.

Sort of like

a Mother Teresa. Yeah.

- 'Course that robe may
- not work out with my figure.

I mean, that sash

would just cut me in half.

You just listen

to the lord's voice.

Who knows

what little miracles

he has in store for you.

Hmm...

Maybe I could lose the sash.

You know, Billy,

I find if we accent

your cheekbones,

- it'll make
- your snout look smaller.

Tamera, what

are we gonna do?

- I mean, we can't keep
- hiding him.

Don't panic...

We have enough time

to figure it out.

Girls!

Time's up!

Uh, just a minute!

Uh, i-i'm

not dressed.

- Come on, Tia,
- it's your mama.

- Anything you got,
- I got more of.

Hi, mom. Bye, mom.

Girls, I just want

to talk to you.

I went to church today.

Oh, it was so moving.

It was just so spiritual.

I had forgotten how mu...

This place looks

like a pigsty!

Oh, Lisa, um,

you're a guest

in our room.

Let me get this.

Tamera, chill, chill...

I... I got it.

Anyway, I'm just

trying to, you know,

- still piece
- everything together,

And I feel like, um,

I feel like there's some...

I feel like

there's some mission

or task I need to do.

Uh, you know, maybe somebody

needs my help or something.

- I just need
- some kind of sign.

Ooh, this is getting weird.

Aah! That's a pig!

That's a pig!

That's a pig!

Well, you're right!

Mom, Billy was

in a commercial with us.

- Girls, you don't bring
- home a side of pork

- Unless it's wrapped
- in butcher paper.

But his trainer was being

really mean to him,

so we had to take him.

You stole him?!

You stole the pig?!

- She kept him
- in a tiny cage.

- She poked at him,
- and she never fed him.

- It looks like
- he's been eating to me!

She was gonna eat him!

So we had to rescue him.

- Oh, ray is gonna hit
- the roof.

He's gonna make

a whole new hole

in the ozone layer.

Dad doesn't need to know.

- You said we were supposed
- to help somebody.

- But I'm thinking
- of a little old lady,

- A millionaire
- with a heart condition.

Mom, this could be

all part of a bigger plan.

Think about it.

- You were hit
- by a pork chop,

- And this pig doesn't want
- to be a pork chop.

It's like the cycle

of life.

What you looking at?

He likes you, mom.

- I betcha he says that
- to all the girls.

No, just you.

Hmm. So you

my little mission, huh?

You my mission?

Well, we all have

to start somewhere.

Please?

♪ Rub a dub dub

a pig in the tub ♪

Ooh, honey,

you need a loofah.

Ooh, and some

wizard, too!

Here's a snack for you.

Here you go...

- Ooh, now, Billy,
- first thing in the morning

- We're gonna find you
- a brand-new home.

Maybe they got a shelter

for battered pigs.

Mom, you have to admit,

I mean, he's awfully cute.

Oh, yeah,

he's a heartbreaker.

- This little piggy
- went to market.

- This little piggy
- stayed home.

- This little piggy
- cried wee-wee-wee...

- Wait, no, no, - wait, now, watch,
- Watch it, Billy.

No, that's just

a little rhyme.

- We better hurry up
- 'cause ray will be home

- In any minute.
- Yeah.

- Last thing he needs to find
- is a pig in his kitchen.

Mm-hmm.

Tamera...!

- Are you all right?
- You poor thing.

- Oh, that must've been
- so traumatic.

- Excuse me?
- I'm the one who woke up

- With a pig
- in his bedroom.

- I think I'll leave
- that one alone.

Where's that animal trainer?

Dad, I can't believe

you'd turn Billy in.

- You can't go around stealing
- other people's animals.

Oh, he's not just

an animal.

Lisa!

- Ray, the pig
- is the smartest animal.

- He's the king
- of the jungle.

That's the lion!

- Well, the pig is the power
- behind the throne.

- It's the middle
- of the night.

Well, there you go.

- Look, I'm sorry, - this whole thing
- Was a complete...

Give me my pig.

There you go.

Ooh, she is scary.

Wait till I get you home.

Come on, let's go!

Let's go!

She's hurting him!

Now, now,

maybe we could just

work something out here.

Now, why don't you

come on in and just

take off your coat...

- Oh, no, baby,
- you should keep this on.

Come on, pig.

He doesn't want to go!

Oh, now, now, wait,

wait, wait a minute.

- Now, I've been doing a lot
- of talking to my maker,

- And I have finally
- come to realize

- We should
- appreciate all life,

- Whether you're a mother
- or a daughter

- Or a father
- or a pig or a...

Uh, well, we'll

get back to you later.

- We are all here
- for a purpose,

And maybe that purpose

is to protect and care

for all god's creatures.

You're not gonna sing,

are you?

Move it, Billy!

Oh, ray...

Ray, do something!

- Come on, dad, please.
- Ray, please, you can't - Let her take him.

All right, all right.

How much for the pig?

Thousand dollars.

So long, porky.

- Dad, come on... - Ray, come on,
- You have to help us.

- Oh, pay her, ray,
- please?

I'm on a mission here.

Why is your mission

costing me money?

I'm a nonprofit

organization.

Bottom line, $200.

He's all yours.

Bottom-bottom line, $150.

- Wipe that grin
- off your face.

Oh, I can't.

- Oh, ray, you have done
- a good thing.

Yeah, well, I guess

protecting the life

of this poor,

defenseless animal

- is, well,
- more important than money.

Nice wallet.

Ah, pigskin.

- Thank you, ray! - Thank you!
- Oh, thank you!

- You are the king.
- Thank you so much.

- Don't you girls ever do
- anything like this again.

We won't, dad.

Oh...!

He's all ours!

Yeah. Now what

are we gonna do with him?

- I think Billy's really
- gonna like it here.

I miss him already.

As pigs go,

I guess he was okay.

One of a kind.

Bye, Billy.

- Oh, wait a minute.
- Uh, Billy?

- Billy?
- Which one is Billy?

Billy?

There's our Billy.

- I just wanted to tell you
- to have a good life,

And you party

till the cows come home!

- Helping you
- has really helped me.

- And I don't really have
- anything else to say,

Except, uh, ba-Dee, ba-Dee,

ba-Dee, that's all, folks!

We'll come visit.

- I really appreciate
- this, dad.

- Well, I'm glad
- I could do it.

Bill, we'll keep in touch.

I'm talking to a pig...

I can't believe it.

Do you think Billy's happy?

Are you kidding?

He's in hog heaven.

Our TV debut!

I can't wait to see it!

Me, too.

- They say they added some
- really great special effects.

They can make you look

very good, you know.

- Here you go,
- pookie pooh.

Thank you, tiger tail.

Hey, hey, hey,

this isn't a drive-in.

It's on!

It's us!

Oh, my babies are on TV!

Oh, girls,

you look beautiful.

Hey, where's the Jester?

- Uh, maybe they had to make
- a few cuts for time.

- Well, I would've trimmed
- the king.

Well, this looks great, ray,

but when do you speak?

- Well, maybe they're saving me
- for the grand finale.

Welcome to Ray's limos,

where everyone is

treated like royalty.