Sirens (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - Itsy Bitsy Spider - full transcript
Sir, sir.
There you are.
He's conscious.
Sir, can you hear me?
- Are you an angel?
- No.
- Are you a devil?
- No.
Then eat a bag of dicks.
Oh, well, that is very kind, sir,
but we're not allowed to accept gratuities.
Just close the garage door and
let me finish what I started.
Well, it wouldn't matter.
You left the skylight open.
I couldn't find the button.
Well, how hard did you try, sweetie?
W... I'm starin' right at
it. We painted it orange.
- Mom!
- Last time,
he tried to hang himself,
tied the rope too long.
jumped off the workbench
and broke both of his ankles.
The neighbor kid found him hanging there.
Mom, shut up!
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
Stay out of this, would you, Larry?
And if you "really" want to commit suicide,
you don't do it two blocks
from an ambulance company!
Get your own place, not
near an ambulance company.
It's goddamn ridiculous.
Now the whole house is gonna
smell like exhaust fumes.
- Sir...
- And you ruined my good garden hose,
so my rhododendrons are gonna die!
- Sir!
- What?
Nothing.
Supposed to be out here
cleaning the goddamn car.
Frickin' kid never finished
a thing in his life!
Do you think he'll be home for dinner?
I need to know how much ham to thaw.
At least my kids don't try to
kill themselves all the time.
It's 'cause they sell weed, Larry.
It's good shit, actually.
- Yeah?
- Right.
[Funky music]
That must've been a pretty
scary call for you, huh, Brian?
Yes, it was.
That guy's stepdad had
some serious anger issues.
Oh, I was talkin' about
the kid, future Brian.
Future Brian?
Yeah, that's what we callin' him.
See, future Brian is
like you in ten years...
Single, lives with his
parents in the basement.
- Spooky.
- You got to move, bro.
- Cut the cord.
- You're a grown ass man.
You're the future Brian, you even
drive the same car, a Subaru.
Could it get any spookier?
Hey, hold your horses here, fellas.
First off, I drive an
Outback. He drives a Forester.
It's a very depressing model.
My mistake. Totally different.
Plus he probably moved
back in with his parents.
I never moved out.
That's a lifestyle choice.
What are you afraid of, Brian?
Seriously, bro. Get out on your own.
Ditch the dead weight.
See? That right there.
That's what I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid of the declining role
of the American family, okay?
I'm afraid of losing the generational bonds
that tie us all together.
And rent.
I'm really afraid of payin' rent.
It's a big, irresponsible,
and endless financial hole.
You guys owe me 37 cents by the way.
- For what?
- For the M&M's.
- Oh, come on.
- Chicago north 911.
Domestic shooting, 3540 racine.
- Ambulance 14 responding.
- Go!
Proceed with caution. Police on scene.
Shooting victim trapped on
front porch losing blood.
[Emergency radio chatter, dog barking]
Hey.
Female on the porch has
been shot at least once.
She's bleedin' pretty bad.
She ain't movin' either.
Shooter's her ex.
He's locked and loaded on the first floor.
How much time we got?
Hostage negotiator's
about ten minutes away.
Animal control about the same.
I'd love to get a look in there
and see how many weapons he's got on him.
Billy, get my binoculars.
Yeah, got it.
- How's your day been, guys?
- Meh.
Well, we saved Brian's
doppelganger from killin' himself.
He is not my doppelganger.
- He's at least a doppel.
- We callin' him future Brian.
- A casual resemblance at best.
- How casual?
He lives with his parents
and drives a Subaru.
- Oy.
- If he was really suicidal,
he wouldn't drive a car
with such good gas mileage.
This just in: Brian's cheap.
[Gunshot]
Come on!
[Dog barking]
You could probably get a one-bedroom
in this neighborhood for
a pretty decent price.
Go ahead and laugh, but did you know
that finances are the number
one cause of marital discord?
- Know what number two is?
- What?
Bullets.
[Billy shouting indistinctly] Oh! No!
- Let me go!
- Holy shit !
Hey, let me go!
- [Thud]
- Oh, my God!
- He's down!
- [Man shouting indistinctly]
Shut up, man!
All clear.
- Good job.
- [Applause]
He's down. All clear.
Theresa, I used the thing!
I used the thing we learned in class!
- Get the stretcher.
- Hey, get the stretcher.
[Dog barking]
Sit. Sit.
Sit.
Good girl. Good girl.
When'd you become the dog whisperer?
Hey, I'm a black man, John.
Where I grew up, we had so
many pit bulls runnin' around,
we thought they were freakin' squirrels.
Okay, miss, help is here.
- [Groans]
- Good, good.
- Very manageable.
- You sure?
Sure I'm sure. It's a flesh wound.
It might've nicked the bone.
You're gonna get a cool scar
and some pretty decent
pain pills out of the deal.
Brian, gauze.
[Shrilly] Aah! Aah!
Oh, God!
There's a spider on my goddamn arm!
Somebody get it.
I've been shot, and I
didn't even scream that loud.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Stand still.
- Get it, get it, get it!
- I got it, okay?
- Ooh, is it off me?
Is it off me? Oh, did you get it?
Hey, relax now, Hank. Relax.
You know, I'm just gonna put it down here.
No, no! No, no, no, no!
Break off some of its legs
so it won't come back at me.
- Break off some of the legs.
- Hey, last time I heard
someone squeal like that, it was me.
I was 13 at a Hanson concert.
Ooh, ooh.
Ahh!
Hoo, thank you, Jesus. Hoo, hoo.
[Laughs]
- It was as big as my head.
- Okay, princess.
Speaking of your head, you
know what we got to get you now?
- A drink?
- No.
A tiara.
[Laughs]
Spiders have poisons that can kill you.
Not a Daddy Longlegs.
Well, it wasn't wearin' a goddamn nametag!
I'm afraid of bees.
Me, too. Not a fan, not a fan.
Just kiddin', asshole. God, you're a mess.
- I don't have any fears.
- Bullshit.
I don't. I'm scared of the big things.
Cancer, terrorism, Ben Affleck
bein' a lousy Batman.
Don't worry, man. He's gonna crush it.
Everybody's scared of something.
- I'm scared of little people.
- midgets?
I'm not scared of the whole
midget... just the hands.
So small and soft like
they could just grab you
and you'd hardly feel it.
Like a whisper.
I'm also not very fond of wide open spaces.
Prairies and stuff like that? Mm-mm.
Makes me feel so insignificant.
You ever been to the Grand Canyon, Billy?
Don't go.
In the grand canyon, you are the midget.
Microphobia, Brian.
That's what your fear is
called, fear of all things tiny.
Like Johnny's dick.
Hey, don't get mad at me, bro,
just because
a few harmless bugs make you
scream like a little girl.
Here's your fries, bro.
Aah!
Not funny, bro! Not funny!
There are only three things
to be genuinely afraid of in this world.
One, the Mars company
will stop makin' Twixes.
Two, my ex-wife. And three, zombies.
You're scared of zombies?
You're not?
What are your fears, Billy?
I don't got none, bro.
- Man after my own heart.
- Yeah, fear's useless.
That's right. Go high, Bill.
- You weren't afraid today?
- No, bro.
Like try to put yourself in my position.
Like, I'm walkin' into this place.
Guy's, like, mad crazy, right?
He's got a glock. He's drunk.
I'm talkin' like speakin' in tongues drunk.
[Babbles incoherently]
What's the worst thing that can happen?
Get inside my head.
So I'm thinkin' like you.
Exactly.
Like, what was I thinkin'
when I walked in there?
Nothing?
See?
Mm-hmm.
♪ Ga-to-rade ♪
♪ Ga-to-rade, yeah ♪
Go high, bro.
- Is that a bee?
- Psst!
[Laughs]
Hey, you know what? Billy's right.
Gunfire's just part of
the job. You can't fear it.
You just got to live in the moment.
Same thing on this job.
In the heat of the battle, you just react.
Exactly.
You know, my biggest fear isn't being shot.
My biggest fear is
being involved with a guy
whose biggest fear isn't me being shot.
Uh-huh. Now you're scared.
Look at his eyes.
No, no. No, no, no, no.
Let me explain. I know
what my main fear is.
My number one fear of all fears
is that you might get shot someday.
I'm so afraid of it.
Every single day, I'm so afraid of it
every day when you go to work
that... that I sublimate it.
Oh, you sublimate it.
Yeah, that's exactly what I do.
I sublimate it,
which is why earlier in
this fear conversation,
I didn't say that that was my
number one fear of all fears
because I had sublimated
it so hard... that I...
- This isn't gonna fly is it?
- Nope.
Hey, yo. Check this out.
[Laughs]
You know what I fear?
Not fulfilling my potential.
See, Billy's actually already reached his.
- Me, I haven't.
- Mmhmm.
My one dream is to work
for the FBI in Washington.
Sometimes I'm afraid it won't work out,
that I'll, you know, take the easy way out.
That is what I am really afraid of,
growin' old and lookin' back at dreams
that I never made come true.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
That and the sun.
Heliophobia. Surprisingly common.
My skin burns and peels if I
fall asleep with the iPad on.
That is why if they ever stopped making
hydramax lavender rejuvenation,
I would freak out just a little bit.
- [Laughs]
- Hmm.
What is that face?
They discontinued the cream.
The active plus formula?
I'm so sorry, T.
Hank, please just tell
me you're messing with me.
I'm not messin' with
you. It's too expensive.
They just wasn't sellin' enough of 'em.
Holy shit!
- Billy, we got to go.
- What are you gonna do?
What do you think I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go store to store,
try and find myself a jar.
[Horn honks]
What the hell is that?
- Hey!
- Yo!
- Hey!
- This guy.
[Chuckling]
[Honking]
Hey! Thanks for nothin', scumbags.
Bye.
Who was that guy?
That's the guy who tried to
commit suicide in the garage.
Not very thankful.
You guys drive the same car.
[Laughter]
They didn't really charge you for that?
They never do.
When you're with someone
who's about to make a purchase,
you just say, "excuse me, sir,
I believe I have the sniffles",
and they will gladly give you
a cup of hot water with lemon and honey.
And you gonna drink that?
After a visit from our
friends at Lipton Tea.
Another benefit from living at
your... holy cow, I call dibs!
Dibs on what?
Oh, my God. Are you really that cheap?
Not cheap, my friend.
Lucky.
- Brian.
- Whoo!
[Laughter]
Mac's back scratcher attached
to an old rig antenna.
Go high, bro.
- Go high.
- Eh.
Don't leave me hangin'.
- [Grunts]
- Huh?
Chicago north ambulance needed,
corner of north shore drive and east grant.
Ambulance 14 responding.
Let's roll.
[Siren blaring]
Cash beat us.
So sad.
Man, this... this is heartbreaking.
Want to know what you're afraid of?
That's it right there.
Dying?
I live as long as that lady did,
I'd be happy to take a dirt nap.
Not her, numbnuts.
Him.
What?
Never mind. Let's go.
What?
I didn't say anything.
- Why you giving me that look?
- What look?
You see that look, Brian?
I see a look. Not sure what it is.
It's the "I know something
you don't know" look.
I've seen it a million times,
every time he thinks he's
about to psychoanalyze me.
I'm not afraid of being
left alone, Dr. Phil,
if that's what you're gettin' at.
Okay.
Why would I be afraid of being left alone?
Because your father
left you and your mother
when you were 13. You never got over it.
But we talk now.
Issue resolved, Q.E.D, asshat.
And all your idea, I might add.
You think it's resolved, but it's not.
It's been sublimated.
That shit scars deep
to the bone, slap dick.
He's right, Johnny, about
the emotional scarring.
The slap dick thing I'm
not really familiar with.
When my dad skipped out
on me, he did me a favor.
He gave me a gift.
Was it a bike?
- What? No.
- No?
It's this hard outer shell I
use to deflect pain and sadness.
Mm, bike would've been better.
Turtle shell.
Turtle shell.
Pain, trouble... bounce right off.
- Theresa leaves you.
- Ping.
- I move to Miami.
- Ping.
Okay. We shall see.
- We shall.
- Yeah, we shall.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh-huh.
- Watch.
Stop.
- I had a turtle once.
- And?
He ran away. Didn't get far.
Made it to the driveway where
my dad accidentally ran him over.
Definite emotional sublimation that day.
Ping.
Wow. That's cold-blooded.
Wow.
The boy lost his turtle and
you talkin' about "ping."
Got you a present.
Why?
Because there wasn't a spider
in my locker when it opened it.
Oh, I should've thought of that!
It's that skin cream Theresa uses.
Buddy of mine works in
a beauty supply house.
Got the last jar left
in the entire midwest.
Ohh, smells just like her.
Because she smears it on three times a day.
You thought she smelled
like that naturally?
I don't know.
You know I wasn't born
smelling like Michael Jordan.
Have to buy that shit.
This is really gonna help me
patch things up with her. Thanks.
Exactly. Now, you should start
thinking about her more
before she starts
thinking about her partner.
Oh, she's not into Billy.
He's like the bottom
rung in a bag of hammers.
He's a shockingly handsome
guy who spends all day with her
and tackles insane, drunken,
heavily-armed girlfriend shooters.
You're a selfish prick
who didn't even think
to mention her on your
list of things you fear.
He's a paste eater.
Mm-hmm, whose cock is
bigger than Seattle Slew's,
and she's seen it.
Ping.
Shoot.
[Chuckles]
[Knocks]
Theresa, why is your door o...
T?
[Fake laughs]
Okay, nice job, Hank.
Great.
Detail... very, very impressive.
[Chuckles]
[Gasps]
Oh!
Ohh!
This is like that sappy
Sandra Bullock lake house movie
you love so much with the letters.
The one that you cry at every
time it's on cable, princess.
I'm gonna read it now.
[Chuckles] Dear Keanu.
[Laughs]
Just a little... just a
little tribute there, Hank.
Oh, yeah, you actually
got Theresa to write it.
Well, that's very impressive.
Very impressive.
Um, "I'm sorry you have
to find out this way,
but I didn't have the strength
to tell you this in person."
Great opening.
Mwah!
Great opening.
"Today was my last day on the force.
"Just talking about my potential at lunch
"really got me to thinkin' about my life
"and what I'm doing with it.
"And I'm not getting any younger.
And there's nothing keeping
me here in Chhhhicago."
[Weak chuckle]
Hey, guys?
All right, ha-ha-ha.
Guys?
Aha!
Holy shit.
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
No, this isn't happening.
This isn't real. This isn't real.
"'Cause as you know, I've always
dreamt of joining the FBI.
I tried to bring it up a
couple times last week..."
Theresa, get to the point.
"And since you never
really listened to me...
I've decided to test for an
appointment with the FBI."
What?
"At their headquarters in D.C." what?
"This could be my dream job.
"Please be happy for me.
This wasn't an easy decision.
You can call me at my
new cell number, 202..."
Ah-ha-ho.
Um, this...
Is not funny.
All right, I'm callin'
the number now, Hank,
wherever you are.
I know you're in here somewhere.
It's ringin'.
Once, twice...
- Hey.
- Hey, Theresa.
- This is special agent...
- This has been really fun...
...trainee Theresa Kelly. You
can leave a message here
and I'll return it as soon as possible.
No.
Hello?
[Mutters]
I even got you...
Stupid.
[Sniffs]
Oh, Theresa.
Oh, you stupid, stupid...
Stupid Johnny.
Ooh.
My pretty... babyface
ba-boobedy-boo.
[Sighs]
[Groaning] Ohhhhhhh...
[Laughter]
- Yeah!
- Sucker!
Boo-boobedy-boo!
Who... who's the princess now, baby?
Man, look how shiny he is.
Oh, this is gonna leave
some emotional scars.
- Oh, yeah.
- I guess I deserve this.
Yes, you did.
- [Laughs]
- Mm, you think?
What did you do with all your stuff?
Billy's cousin has a
furniture movin' company.
They owed him a favor.
Billy, they better not be
sellin' that furniture, man.
They're not gonna sell it.
Why would they se...
Because we're Puerto Rican?
Oh, dang. That's so racist.
But you know what? That's
a really good point.
I'ma make a quick phone
call and just make sure
that we're all on the same page.
I thought you'd really left.
That's what makes it so funny, bro.
Payback is a bitch.
Ping.
[Laughter]
Ohh...
Hey, just for the record,
I'm not moving anywhere anytime soon.
Aww.
That feels good.
Oh... my... God!
This stuff is, like, the best cream.
What's with the hat, bro?
Duck huntin'?
The sun, man.
Theresa's right. It's our enemy.
So now you got a new fear.
Just that little bit of that
$8 million lotion I rubbed on
really got me thinking
about the aging process.
No, my people don't age, remember?
Black don't crack.
Hey, look, I got you breakfast.
Mm.
Is there a fake spider in here?
What? No, I'm done with that.
Hey, man, did you get the
score of last night's game?
I can't seem to get it on my...
Aah!
[Laughs]
What happened? What happened?
Just a little payback, buddy.
All right, that's enough, you guys.
This is the end, okay?
Fears are all too real,
and I think we learned a valuable lesson
about that the last couple of days.
Am I right?
I guess.
Yeah.
Now let's you two shake hands,
and that'll be the end of the shenanigans.
Both: Shenanigans?
What century are you from?
[Horn honks]
Is that his ass or his face?
That's definitely ass.
[Loud crash]
Oh, future Brian's stepdad is right.
He needs to move farther away.
Brian, take the rig.
Cool.
Cool, my first time driving.
- Hey!
- What?
There's not a midget hidden
somewhere in the rig, is there?
Only one way to find out.
[Laughter]
All right, midget.
Let me tell you how this is gonna go.
We can do this the big
way... or the little way.
[Laughs]
An obvious choice, midget.
There you are.
He's conscious.
Sir, can you hear me?
- Are you an angel?
- No.
- Are you a devil?
- No.
Then eat a bag of dicks.
Oh, well, that is very kind, sir,
but we're not allowed to accept gratuities.
Just close the garage door and
let me finish what I started.
Well, it wouldn't matter.
You left the skylight open.
I couldn't find the button.
Well, how hard did you try, sweetie?
W... I'm starin' right at
it. We painted it orange.
- Mom!
- Last time,
he tried to hang himself,
tied the rope too long.
jumped off the workbench
and broke both of his ankles.
The neighbor kid found him hanging there.
Mom, shut up!
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
Stay out of this, would you, Larry?
And if you "really" want to commit suicide,
you don't do it two blocks
from an ambulance company!
Get your own place, not
near an ambulance company.
It's goddamn ridiculous.
Now the whole house is gonna
smell like exhaust fumes.
- Sir...
- And you ruined my good garden hose,
so my rhododendrons are gonna die!
- Sir!
- What?
Nothing.
Supposed to be out here
cleaning the goddamn car.
Frickin' kid never finished
a thing in his life!
Do you think he'll be home for dinner?
I need to know how much ham to thaw.
At least my kids don't try to
kill themselves all the time.
It's 'cause they sell weed, Larry.
It's good shit, actually.
- Yeah?
- Right.
[Funky music]
That must've been a pretty
scary call for you, huh, Brian?
Yes, it was.
That guy's stepdad had
some serious anger issues.
Oh, I was talkin' about
the kid, future Brian.
Future Brian?
Yeah, that's what we callin' him.
See, future Brian is
like you in ten years...
Single, lives with his
parents in the basement.
- Spooky.
- You got to move, bro.
- Cut the cord.
- You're a grown ass man.
You're the future Brian, you even
drive the same car, a Subaru.
Could it get any spookier?
Hey, hold your horses here, fellas.
First off, I drive an
Outback. He drives a Forester.
It's a very depressing model.
My mistake. Totally different.
Plus he probably moved
back in with his parents.
I never moved out.
That's a lifestyle choice.
What are you afraid of, Brian?
Seriously, bro. Get out on your own.
Ditch the dead weight.
See? That right there.
That's what I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid of the declining role
of the American family, okay?
I'm afraid of losing the generational bonds
that tie us all together.
And rent.
I'm really afraid of payin' rent.
It's a big, irresponsible,
and endless financial hole.
You guys owe me 37 cents by the way.
- For what?
- For the M&M's.
- Oh, come on.
- Chicago north 911.
Domestic shooting, 3540 racine.
- Ambulance 14 responding.
- Go!
Proceed with caution. Police on scene.
Shooting victim trapped on
front porch losing blood.
[Emergency radio chatter, dog barking]
Hey.
Female on the porch has
been shot at least once.
She's bleedin' pretty bad.
She ain't movin' either.
Shooter's her ex.
He's locked and loaded on the first floor.
How much time we got?
Hostage negotiator's
about ten minutes away.
Animal control about the same.
I'd love to get a look in there
and see how many weapons he's got on him.
Billy, get my binoculars.
Yeah, got it.
- How's your day been, guys?
- Meh.
Well, we saved Brian's
doppelganger from killin' himself.
He is not my doppelganger.
- He's at least a doppel.
- We callin' him future Brian.
- A casual resemblance at best.
- How casual?
He lives with his parents
and drives a Subaru.
- Oy.
- If he was really suicidal,
he wouldn't drive a car
with such good gas mileage.
This just in: Brian's cheap.
[Gunshot]
Come on!
[Dog barking]
You could probably get a one-bedroom
in this neighborhood for
a pretty decent price.
Go ahead and laugh, but did you know
that finances are the number
one cause of marital discord?
- Know what number two is?
- What?
Bullets.
[Billy shouting indistinctly] Oh! No!
- Let me go!
- Holy shit !
Hey, let me go!
- [Thud]
- Oh, my God!
- He's down!
- [Man shouting indistinctly]
Shut up, man!
All clear.
- Good job.
- [Applause]
He's down. All clear.
Theresa, I used the thing!
I used the thing we learned in class!
- Get the stretcher.
- Hey, get the stretcher.
[Dog barking]
Sit. Sit.
Sit.
Good girl. Good girl.
When'd you become the dog whisperer?
Hey, I'm a black man, John.
Where I grew up, we had so
many pit bulls runnin' around,
we thought they were freakin' squirrels.
Okay, miss, help is here.
- [Groans]
- Good, good.
- Very manageable.
- You sure?
Sure I'm sure. It's a flesh wound.
It might've nicked the bone.
You're gonna get a cool scar
and some pretty decent
pain pills out of the deal.
Brian, gauze.
[Shrilly] Aah! Aah!
Oh, God!
There's a spider on my goddamn arm!
Somebody get it.
I've been shot, and I
didn't even scream that loud.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Stand still.
- Get it, get it, get it!
- I got it, okay?
- Ooh, is it off me?
Is it off me? Oh, did you get it?
Hey, relax now, Hank. Relax.
You know, I'm just gonna put it down here.
No, no! No, no, no, no!
Break off some of its legs
so it won't come back at me.
- Break off some of the legs.
- Hey, last time I heard
someone squeal like that, it was me.
I was 13 at a Hanson concert.
Ooh, ooh.
Ahh!
Hoo, thank you, Jesus. Hoo, hoo.
[Laughs]
- It was as big as my head.
- Okay, princess.
Speaking of your head, you
know what we got to get you now?
- A drink?
- No.
A tiara.
[Laughs]
Spiders have poisons that can kill you.
Not a Daddy Longlegs.
Well, it wasn't wearin' a goddamn nametag!
I'm afraid of bees.
Me, too. Not a fan, not a fan.
Just kiddin', asshole. God, you're a mess.
- I don't have any fears.
- Bullshit.
I don't. I'm scared of the big things.
Cancer, terrorism, Ben Affleck
bein' a lousy Batman.
Don't worry, man. He's gonna crush it.
Everybody's scared of something.
- I'm scared of little people.
- midgets?
I'm not scared of the whole
midget... just the hands.
So small and soft like
they could just grab you
and you'd hardly feel it.
Like a whisper.
I'm also not very fond of wide open spaces.
Prairies and stuff like that? Mm-mm.
Makes me feel so insignificant.
You ever been to the Grand Canyon, Billy?
Don't go.
In the grand canyon, you are the midget.
Microphobia, Brian.
That's what your fear is
called, fear of all things tiny.
Like Johnny's dick.
Hey, don't get mad at me, bro,
just because
a few harmless bugs make you
scream like a little girl.
Here's your fries, bro.
Aah!
Not funny, bro! Not funny!
There are only three things
to be genuinely afraid of in this world.
One, the Mars company
will stop makin' Twixes.
Two, my ex-wife. And three, zombies.
You're scared of zombies?
You're not?
What are your fears, Billy?
I don't got none, bro.
- Man after my own heart.
- Yeah, fear's useless.
That's right. Go high, Bill.
- You weren't afraid today?
- No, bro.
Like try to put yourself in my position.
Like, I'm walkin' into this place.
Guy's, like, mad crazy, right?
He's got a glock. He's drunk.
I'm talkin' like speakin' in tongues drunk.
[Babbles incoherently]
What's the worst thing that can happen?
Get inside my head.
So I'm thinkin' like you.
Exactly.
Like, what was I thinkin'
when I walked in there?
Nothing?
See?
Mm-hmm.
♪ Ga-to-rade ♪
♪ Ga-to-rade, yeah ♪
Go high, bro.
- Is that a bee?
- Psst!
[Laughs]
Hey, you know what? Billy's right.
Gunfire's just part of
the job. You can't fear it.
You just got to live in the moment.
Same thing on this job.
In the heat of the battle, you just react.
Exactly.
You know, my biggest fear isn't being shot.
My biggest fear is
being involved with a guy
whose biggest fear isn't me being shot.
Uh-huh. Now you're scared.
Look at his eyes.
No, no. No, no, no, no.
Let me explain. I know
what my main fear is.
My number one fear of all fears
is that you might get shot someday.
I'm so afraid of it.
Every single day, I'm so afraid of it
every day when you go to work
that... that I sublimate it.
Oh, you sublimate it.
Yeah, that's exactly what I do.
I sublimate it,
which is why earlier in
this fear conversation,
I didn't say that that was my
number one fear of all fears
because I had sublimated
it so hard... that I...
- This isn't gonna fly is it?
- Nope.
Hey, yo. Check this out.
[Laughs]
You know what I fear?
Not fulfilling my potential.
See, Billy's actually already reached his.
- Me, I haven't.
- Mmhmm.
My one dream is to work
for the FBI in Washington.
Sometimes I'm afraid it won't work out,
that I'll, you know, take the easy way out.
That is what I am really afraid of,
growin' old and lookin' back at dreams
that I never made come true.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
That and the sun.
Heliophobia. Surprisingly common.
My skin burns and peels if I
fall asleep with the iPad on.
That is why if they ever stopped making
hydramax lavender rejuvenation,
I would freak out just a little bit.
- [Laughs]
- Hmm.
What is that face?
They discontinued the cream.
The active plus formula?
I'm so sorry, T.
Hank, please just tell
me you're messing with me.
I'm not messin' with
you. It's too expensive.
They just wasn't sellin' enough of 'em.
Holy shit!
- Billy, we got to go.
- What are you gonna do?
What do you think I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go store to store,
try and find myself a jar.
[Horn honks]
What the hell is that?
- Hey!
- Yo!
- Hey!
- This guy.
[Chuckling]
[Honking]
Hey! Thanks for nothin', scumbags.
Bye.
Who was that guy?
That's the guy who tried to
commit suicide in the garage.
Not very thankful.
You guys drive the same car.
[Laughter]
They didn't really charge you for that?
They never do.
When you're with someone
who's about to make a purchase,
you just say, "excuse me, sir,
I believe I have the sniffles",
and they will gladly give you
a cup of hot water with lemon and honey.
And you gonna drink that?
After a visit from our
friends at Lipton Tea.
Another benefit from living at
your... holy cow, I call dibs!
Dibs on what?
Oh, my God. Are you really that cheap?
Not cheap, my friend.
Lucky.
- Brian.
- Whoo!
[Laughter]
Mac's back scratcher attached
to an old rig antenna.
Go high, bro.
- Go high.
- Eh.
Don't leave me hangin'.
- [Grunts]
- Huh?
Chicago north ambulance needed,
corner of north shore drive and east grant.
Ambulance 14 responding.
Let's roll.
[Siren blaring]
Cash beat us.
So sad.
Man, this... this is heartbreaking.
Want to know what you're afraid of?
That's it right there.
Dying?
I live as long as that lady did,
I'd be happy to take a dirt nap.
Not her, numbnuts.
Him.
What?
Never mind. Let's go.
What?
I didn't say anything.
- Why you giving me that look?
- What look?
You see that look, Brian?
I see a look. Not sure what it is.
It's the "I know something
you don't know" look.
I've seen it a million times,
every time he thinks he's
about to psychoanalyze me.
I'm not afraid of being
left alone, Dr. Phil,
if that's what you're gettin' at.
Okay.
Why would I be afraid of being left alone?
Because your father
left you and your mother
when you were 13. You never got over it.
But we talk now.
Issue resolved, Q.E.D, asshat.
And all your idea, I might add.
You think it's resolved, but it's not.
It's been sublimated.
That shit scars deep
to the bone, slap dick.
He's right, Johnny, about
the emotional scarring.
The slap dick thing I'm
not really familiar with.
When my dad skipped out
on me, he did me a favor.
He gave me a gift.
Was it a bike?
- What? No.
- No?
It's this hard outer shell I
use to deflect pain and sadness.
Mm, bike would've been better.
Turtle shell.
Turtle shell.
Pain, trouble... bounce right off.
- Theresa leaves you.
- Ping.
- I move to Miami.
- Ping.
Okay. We shall see.
- We shall.
- Yeah, we shall.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh-huh.
- Watch.
Stop.
- I had a turtle once.
- And?
He ran away. Didn't get far.
Made it to the driveway where
my dad accidentally ran him over.
Definite emotional sublimation that day.
Ping.
Wow. That's cold-blooded.
Wow.
The boy lost his turtle and
you talkin' about "ping."
Got you a present.
Why?
Because there wasn't a spider
in my locker when it opened it.
Oh, I should've thought of that!
It's that skin cream Theresa uses.
Buddy of mine works in
a beauty supply house.
Got the last jar left
in the entire midwest.
Ohh, smells just like her.
Because she smears it on three times a day.
You thought she smelled
like that naturally?
I don't know.
You know I wasn't born
smelling like Michael Jordan.
Have to buy that shit.
This is really gonna help me
patch things up with her. Thanks.
Exactly. Now, you should start
thinking about her more
before she starts
thinking about her partner.
Oh, she's not into Billy.
He's like the bottom
rung in a bag of hammers.
He's a shockingly handsome
guy who spends all day with her
and tackles insane, drunken,
heavily-armed girlfriend shooters.
You're a selfish prick
who didn't even think
to mention her on your
list of things you fear.
He's a paste eater.
Mm-hmm, whose cock is
bigger than Seattle Slew's,
and she's seen it.
Ping.
Shoot.
[Chuckles]
[Knocks]
Theresa, why is your door o...
T?
[Fake laughs]
Okay, nice job, Hank.
Great.
Detail... very, very impressive.
[Chuckles]
[Gasps]
Oh!
Ohh!
This is like that sappy
Sandra Bullock lake house movie
you love so much with the letters.
The one that you cry at every
time it's on cable, princess.
I'm gonna read it now.
[Chuckles] Dear Keanu.
[Laughs]
Just a little... just a
little tribute there, Hank.
Oh, yeah, you actually
got Theresa to write it.
Well, that's very impressive.
Very impressive.
Um, "I'm sorry you have
to find out this way,
but I didn't have the strength
to tell you this in person."
Great opening.
Mwah!
Great opening.
"Today was my last day on the force.
"Just talking about my potential at lunch
"really got me to thinkin' about my life
"and what I'm doing with it.
"And I'm not getting any younger.
And there's nothing keeping
me here in Chhhhicago."
[Weak chuckle]
Hey, guys?
All right, ha-ha-ha.
Guys?
Aha!
Holy shit.
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
No, this isn't happening.
This isn't real. This isn't real.
"'Cause as you know, I've always
dreamt of joining the FBI.
I tried to bring it up a
couple times last week..."
Theresa, get to the point.
"And since you never
really listened to me...
I've decided to test for an
appointment with the FBI."
What?
"At their headquarters in D.C." what?
"This could be my dream job.
"Please be happy for me.
This wasn't an easy decision.
You can call me at my
new cell number, 202..."
Ah-ha-ho.
Um, this...
Is not funny.
All right, I'm callin'
the number now, Hank,
wherever you are.
I know you're in here somewhere.
It's ringin'.
Once, twice...
- Hey.
- Hey, Theresa.
- This is special agent...
- This has been really fun...
...trainee Theresa Kelly. You
can leave a message here
and I'll return it as soon as possible.
No.
Hello?
[Mutters]
I even got you...
Stupid.
[Sniffs]
Oh, Theresa.
Oh, you stupid, stupid...
Stupid Johnny.
Ooh.
My pretty... babyface
ba-boobedy-boo.
[Sighs]
[Groaning] Ohhhhhhh...
[Laughter]
- Yeah!
- Sucker!
Boo-boobedy-boo!
Who... who's the princess now, baby?
Man, look how shiny he is.
Oh, this is gonna leave
some emotional scars.
- Oh, yeah.
- I guess I deserve this.
Yes, you did.
- [Laughs]
- Mm, you think?
What did you do with all your stuff?
Billy's cousin has a
furniture movin' company.
They owed him a favor.
Billy, they better not be
sellin' that furniture, man.
They're not gonna sell it.
Why would they se...
Because we're Puerto Rican?
Oh, dang. That's so racist.
But you know what? That's
a really good point.
I'ma make a quick phone
call and just make sure
that we're all on the same page.
I thought you'd really left.
That's what makes it so funny, bro.
Payback is a bitch.
Ping.
[Laughter]
Ohh...
Hey, just for the record,
I'm not moving anywhere anytime soon.
Aww.
That feels good.
Oh... my... God!
This stuff is, like, the best cream.
What's with the hat, bro?
Duck huntin'?
The sun, man.
Theresa's right. It's our enemy.
So now you got a new fear.
Just that little bit of that
$8 million lotion I rubbed on
really got me thinking
about the aging process.
No, my people don't age, remember?
Black don't crack.
Hey, look, I got you breakfast.
Mm.
Is there a fake spider in here?
What? No, I'm done with that.
Hey, man, did you get the
score of last night's game?
I can't seem to get it on my...
Aah!
[Laughs]
What happened? What happened?
Just a little payback, buddy.
All right, that's enough, you guys.
This is the end, okay?
Fears are all too real,
and I think we learned a valuable lesson
about that the last couple of days.
Am I right?
I guess.
Yeah.
Now let's you two shake hands,
and that'll be the end of the shenanigans.
Both: Shenanigans?
What century are you from?
[Horn honks]
Is that his ass or his face?
That's definitely ass.
[Loud crash]
Oh, future Brian's stepdad is right.
He needs to move farther away.
Brian, take the rig.
Cool.
Cool, my first time driving.
- Hey!
- What?
There's not a midget hidden
somewhere in the rig, is there?
Only one way to find out.
[Laughter]
All right, midget.
Let me tell you how this is gonna go.
We can do this the big
way... or the little way.
[Laughs]
An obvious choice, midget.