Sirens (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Till Jeff Do Us Part - full transcript

So you dating someone at the hospital?

Which hospital?

You dating people at
more than one hospital?

I'm dating multiple people
at multiple hospitals!

How do you do that?

(Laugh)

I spend a long time in hospital, man!

(Music)

- Do you all know about each other?
- Of course, I'm promiscuous not dishonest.

Eh eh, you boys need to
clean up those mailboxes,

there are over flowing with
detritus. It's slovenly.



Hank, there's a Jet Magazine in your slot.

With skinny Oprah on the cover.

She ain't been skinny since '09.

I don't get Jet Magazine.

I don't get Skinny Oprah, I like her plump.

Go on, clean them out now!

It'd be great if you could do it soon.

The whole thing's really kicking
off Stats' counting disorder.

64, 65, 66, 67...

There are 67 pieces of
mail in your slot, Henry.

Okay, damn. Damn, girl.

Look, look, look, look.

So that's... that's done.

Hey, you happy?



Okay, yeah, that's good. Thank you, Henry.

Mm-hmm.

Well, look at this.

This is fancy.

Personal and hand-lettered,
Henry St. Clare.

Hmm, calligraphy.

Yeah.

- Someone's getting married.
- Who?

Oh, someone who doesn't
have my current home address

or cell number.

Someone who cheated on me with that busboy.

Someone who I could care
absolutely less about.

- Jeff the chef, holy shit.
- Mm-hmm.

Is he marrying the busboy?

No, he's marrying Alejandro.

Oh, my God, he's marrying your brother?

No.

Your cousin? That's so...

Oh, my.

Brian could you get me a hand
in the supply closet please?

I kinda want to be here

to offer Hank some emotional support.

Brian, supply closet, now.

If it's any consolation,
I think that your eyes

are way more soulful than Alejandro's.

And your mailbox is clean, so there's that.

Look, I know this sucks right now,

but this to shall pass.

- Deuce.
- What?

- Can I call you "son"?
- No.

Well, I'm doing it anyway

'cause this is a father-son type talk.

Son, this guy ale-what's-his-face

may look like you,

but whoever the hell he is
he ain't got what you got.

Which is?

Your freedom.

You can date all the boys
in Boystown if you want.

You'd be exhausted, but you could do it.

This is your touching, important

father-son type message?

God damn it, I'm new to this shit.

And I'm not finished yet.

This just goes to show how great you are,

that this chef asshole is marrying a guy

who's the spitting image of you.

I mean, you are such a prize

that he went and found himself

a God damn Hank St. Clare clone.

- How was that?
- Not bad.

You know what, Cash? You're right.

You can call me "Pops".

Jeff is marrying the
discount version of me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Or big papi.

And do you remember how
pretentious Jeff could be?

Oh, with his French fusion cuisine

and God damn Asian opera bullshit.

You just know Jeff and his
little fake-ass Hank husband

gonna be one of those annoying couples

that adopts, like, six kids
from different countries,

names 'em shit like Bryce and Tristan.

In Kenya the father
figure is called "Baba".

Big Baba.

Try it on.

I did, don't fit.

Hey.

Guess who I just got a
wedding invitation from.

Oh, uh, let me guess.

Uh, your college roommate
who you just had to set up

with my best friend, Hank,
who then cheated on him,

broke his heart, and
basically ruined last summer?

- You got an invite too?
- No, Hank did.

Shit! That is what I was afraid of.

I mean, he's basically marrying Hank,

if Hank had a prettier name.

- I know.
- Is he okay?

I mean if the wedding is this weekend.

How tacky is that?

Damn tacky, son.

And look at this invitation.

Really, bitch, calligraphy?

Shit ain't even got proper margins.

- Look at that.
- Uh, soso.

It could go either way.

Hey, do me a favor.

If we ever break up for real some day,

and you meet my dead ringer and marry him,

will you invite me to the wedding. I
want to see what I look like in a tux.

There is no way I'd waste 50 bucks

on a steak dinner for you.

I'll order the chicken.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[Static crackling]

[Laughter and chatter]

I don't even understand

why gay guys want to get married.

I mean, we had a sweet
deal in the old days.

Dance, drink, screw.

Shop, eat, screw someone else.

Drink, dance, go see Madonna.

Screw some backup dancer for Madonna.

No kids, no rings, no divorce.

It was perfect.

Other than the Madonna
stuff, it sounds pretty good.

On top of which, I won this battle.

Bitch is marrying a
brother look just like me.

Who the hell misses who here?

- Am I right?
- (All) Yeah.

You are gorgeous.

And unlike your partner over here,

a great dancer.

And a free man.

- You're a real catch, Hank.
- Yeah.

- You know what, you right.
- Mm-hmm

I'm the goddamn catch of the county,

and I'm taking this fine black ass

to my favorite pickup joint.

Gay bar down the street.

Yep, called the hospital.

Donnie, the cute Puerto Rican doctor,

gets off at 11:00.

And I'm gonna make him my patient tonight.

Ooh.

- Or vice versa.
- Nice.

And you guys are coming
back from that wedding

with a full report on Alejandro,

who I'm betting will be a very sissified,

prissy version of moi.

Ooh.

Au revoir.

Hey, you cannot go to that wedding.

He's hurting inside.

I know, I gotta stay and keep watch,

but that's why you've gotta go

and report back that
this Alejandro character

is a shitty dancer, five-feet tall,

and basically a chick with a dick.

Fine.

Hey, Theresa, if you need
a plus one for the wedding,

I'd be happy to join you.

- Whatever.
- Boom.

That okay with you?

Yeah, of course.

Are you guys dating?

Both: No!

Brian loves weddings.

I study them.

- Seen all the movies.
- Every one.

My only problem with four
weddings and a funeral

was that it wasn't called
five weddings and no funeral.

Plus I know how to do the foxtrot.

Well, this is gonna be a hip gay wedding.

You know, they're not gonna be dancing

to roll out the barrel, so...

Actually, that's a polka.

But I know how to do that too.

So we are covered.

I have surprisingly strong calves.

- I can dance all night.
- Cool.

I'll be your dance insurance.

- Ooh.
- [Laughter]

No, honestly, he makes you sign something.

- I will.
- It's really intimidating.

- A waiver?
- Just for just both our safety.

So, how was last night?

- Fantastic.
- Good.

Doctor had a Puerto Rican
flag tattoo on his ass.

Way we would go, I had expect to wake up

to find Puerto Rico just
off the coast of New Jersey.

- [Laughing]
- Well, I'm glad you're doing well.

Never been better, man.

Never been better.

What the name of the guy
Jeff's marrying again?

- Oh, Alejandro.
- Alejandro.

Alejandro.

Saturday, you and me, bro.

Two seats on the glass, Blackhawks Bruins.

Yeah, way better than
going to a dumb wedding.

Is that the same day as the wedding?

Oh, I had no idea.

Wow, I'm so shallow.

Well, he sent you an invitation.

Chicago North ambulance
needed, Lincoln Park.

Ambulance 14 responding.

I knew when the damn
wedding was. I'm not go...

I'm just saying, he sent you an invitation.

Hit me flush.

God damn direct hit.

And just to be clear, it
was a softball, correct?

Yeah, and my nuts feel like they're

about a million degrees right now.

I'm sorry.

What kind of a pitch was that, Greg?

It's slow pitch, man.

That was a freaking laser beam.

All right, sir.

Drop your pants. Let me examine the injury.

- Right here?
- The sooner you drop 'em,

the sooner we can get you fixed up.

No need to worry, sir.
It's a common sports injury.

It hurts like hell,
but nine times outta ten

it's just a little... oh, my God.

What?

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

What's wrong with my balls?

I can't do this.

What's wrong with my balls?

Am I gonna lose my balls? Oh, my God!

- Just calm down.
- What does that mean?

You're gonna be fine. Just calm down.

He said... what did he mean?

It's a bruise.

You're gonna be fine.

Now we could take you to the urologist,

but between the doctor and the nurse

that's just two more people
that are gonna see your junk.

Your best bet is to ice
it down for 20 minutes

and walk it off.

Brian, handle this.

But I've never seen one of these before.

Hi.

What I meant was I've never dealt

with this particular injury.

I've obviously seen penises before.

Not a lot. Mostly mine.

And old guys at the gym.

What is it with old guys and nudity?

- Yeah, right?
- Exactly.

Shut up, Greg!

Okay, I'm just gonna... right.

That guy's penis.

Yeah?

God, this is so stupid.

Tell me, bro.

That guy had the exact
same penis as Jeff the chef.

The exact same one.

What the hell is that?

Don't they all pretty much look the same?

Sometimes if there's a lot of guys involved

and I'm drunk, yeah.

But Jeff's, his was special.

I could pick his dick out
of a room full of dicks.

We're a little outside of
my area of expertise here.

I just wasn't expecting to see my past

staring me in the face like that, John.

God, shit.

What am I doing? Where am I going?

What the hell is happening to me?

That invitation really messed me up, bro.

I know.

I know.

Think Theresa could my dick
out of a room full of dicks?

Hank, we got a call from your mom.

She needs help at the house.

Gotta be kidding me.

We're on it.

Remind her that dispatch

isn't supposed to be
used for personal calls.

Okay, Roger that. We got it.

Listen, you got this.

Look at me. You got this.

- It's just that she...
- Okay, we got it!

Brian, let's roll. We're wheels up.

Stop playing with that guy's balls.

There's my baby.

Hey, mama.

Hey, mama Saint.

- Hi, Johnny.
- We can't stay long.

You need something fixed, mama Saint?

Oh, no, I don't need you boys

to do any chores for me today.

But a little bird just told me

about Jeff the chef,

and I had to check in with my baby.

Who told you about that?

Sorry, Deuce, your mom gave me some wine.

I just started kinda
running off at the mouth.

Cassius told me that you're
not going to the wedding.

- Is that true?
- Yes.

Henry St. Clare, you are absolutely

going to that wedding.

You will not hang your head in shame.

This is a proud family.

And you are a proud black man.

You do not run away from
situations such as this.

You're gonna walk in there
with your head held high,

and you're gonna shine
like a precious stone.

Sit in the front, smile the biggest,

sing the loudest.

And if the preacher asks,

"does anyone object to this wedding?"

You're gonna stand up and
say, "hell, no, I don't."

Henry, promise me you'll go to the wedding.

Mom, I'm not going!

Hank, your mama asked
you to make a promise.

Now I know I'm not your daddy,

but I do sit at the head of the table,

and I do get the extra piece
of meat when there is one.

We're watching our cholesterol.

Mine's supposed to be
up over 200 or something.

Half the programs on
the DVR are my programs.

I got about six pairs
of drawers in the dryer.

Where was I going with this?

Help me out.

You were telling him to go to the wedding.

Yeah, that'sight do what your mama said.

Go to that wedding tomorrow
and shine like a gem.

Just make the promise,
son, and make it now.

Fine, I'll go. Bye, mama.

See?

What'd I tell you? Father figure.

Oh, he's not going, padre.

He's just saying that to shut you up.

- You are?
- Yep.

We're going to the Blackhawks Bruins game.

Bye, mama.

Damn!

What's wrong with these kids today?

Oh, shut up and let's
have ourselves a good day.

That's what I'm talking about.

And ready for a game.

- Oh, yeah, beers.
- Fights.

- Body checks.
- ***.

Patrick Kane.

Patrick Kane's eyes and his ass.

Okay. Okay, just this once

I will talk to you about
Patrick Kane's eyes and his ass,

because today I'm gonna be the
greatest wingman of all time.

And tonight, I'm gonna get you laid.

Not that you need any help,

'cause you can basically snap your fingers

and then 20 blowjobs
appear out of thin air.

What I wouldn't give to have your life.

I mean, just all the one-night stands

and casual sex.

I mean, sex is never casual for me, ever.

Like, like ever.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where we going?

Wedding. I changed my mind.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but it is an emergency.

Three words: Patrick Kane's ass.

I feel like such a pussy
for running away from this.

I'm 6'5", 220,

and like my mama say,
we don't run from shiy.

Wedding starts at 1:00.

We can still make the reception.

I'm wearing a Stan Mikita T-shirt.

I got one of Jeff's old
suits back at the house.

You know this thing's worth,
like, 50 bucks on eBay, right?

The suit I'm giving
you is worth a thousand.

I could use a new suit.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- How do I look?
- How do you wanna look?

Cross between Sidney Pottier and Shaft.

Okay. Okay, I get that.

Throw in a little Denzel stroll too.

Hmm.

Agh, I wish I was black right now.

Hank!

You look fantastic.

Holy shit, that dress is bangin'.

Thank you. My date Brian chose it.

I gave her a few looks.

- How do I look?
- Very, very handsome.

How was the ceremony?

Eh, I'd give it a "B".

They read from Corinthians,

which couldn't be more cliché.

Their orchestra was way too
up-tempo, and processional.

It's like, let the thing breathe.

- Am I right?
- You can tell me the truth.

Oh, my God, the whole thing was amazing.

A-plus-plus.

I got the name of the coordinator.

- Brian.
- His name is Darren.

There he is.

You okay?

Never been better. Let's dance.

Whoa, I don't dance.

You are my date. You dancin'.

No, come... no... no, I don't dance.

I don't...

Another drink, my lady?

♪ ♪

This is my first gay wedding.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- First gay wedding.
- Yeah, I heard.

I have to say, it's been
an absolutely pleasure.

That's great.

I mean, straight weddings are fun too,

but there's something extra
special going on here today.

Yeah, it's called an open bar.

- [Chuckles]
- Awesome!

First gay wedding joke.

Ugh, can we stop dancing now?

Hey, look, I wanna be
having fun when Jeff sees me.

And I'm gonna be dancing like a freak

when he points me out to little Hank Jr.

Relax. Just dance to the beat.

Don't dance to the words.

That's what I've been doing,

and I still look like this.

I don't know what to do with my hands.

Okay, maybe just try standing still.

I'm not gonna be the assholes

standing still in the
middle of the dance floor.

You know you're the only
guy I'd do this for, right?

Yes, yes, yes.

Come to Fernando.

[Chuckles]

Uh, I'm not really a dancer.

Nonsense.

Open your hips.

What?

Open your hips.

Like this.

Eh.

Release your body to the music.

[Laughs]

Um, I'm not real...

What, you mean like that?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Set your hips free,

let them fly, let them soar.

Just, uh... okay.

Okay, that kinda feels right.

- I open my hips.
- Open your hips.

Okay, okay.

[Laughs]

Holy shit, I'm dancing.

Holy shit, he's dancing.

[Laughs]

- Theresa, this is Keith.
- Hi, Keith.

- Hello.
- How you doing?

Keith's here alone.

His boyfriend's at home watching the kids,

Rufus and Monty.

They're beagles, and they're adorable.

So check this out, Theresa.
Keith is also a cop.

Oh, really?

This was the cop friend
you were telling me about?

Theresa's the best cop in Chicago.

Oh, come on, Bri.

Well, I doubt that.

Excuse me?

Sweetheart...

You know what, we're at a wedding.

Let's not get into it.

No, don't hold back on my account.

Go on.

- Being a cop is a man's job.
- Uh.

I mean, you girls are great

for certain police procedural work.

But for everyday, boots on the ground,

front lines of crime stuff,

you're a liability.

Oh.

I see what happened.

You misunderstood.

I said that Theresa was a good cop.

Not a terrible cop. You switched 'em.

So what's your deal?

You're a misogynistic gay cop?

Nope, I'm a realist.

Huh.

How great are firemen though?

[Laughs]

[Latin music]

Hey, you doing okay?

I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

- I'll be back.
- This guy's great.

Whoa.

[Laughs] Oh, okay.

As a gay man who fought against prejudice,

how can you honestly
espouse such outdated views?

Because as a gay cop,

I realize not everybody can play the game.

It's like Brian Urlacher.

There wasn't a chick that could do his job,

because he's a very large
man in a very violent game.

This isn't tennis, Billy Jean king.

It's life or death.

And you gotta have a big
brass set of huge cojones.

Guys, guys, this is a wedding.

A gay wedding.

My first gay wedding.

And the only fighting should be us

fighting for our right to party.

You're right, Brian.

Let's dance.

Don't get anyone killed
out on the dance floor.

No.

I should really kick
your ass for saying that.

What are you gonna do, you
gonna kick me in the nuts?

Aghh!

You kicked me in my nuts.

It's okay. I know what to do.

One, don't panic.

Two, know that your testicles

will eventually return
to their normal size.

And three is... ice.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Hank!

Alejandro, this is...

The bigger, blacker version of me.

Hi, I've heard so much about you.

God, you are gorgeous,

which of course means so am I.

- Yes, you are.
- Thank you for coming, Hank.

I know it was short notice,

but I think it came together
pretty well, didn't it?

Who needs a year to plan a wedding?

Straight people.

[Laughter]

So, um...

Listen, sweetie, let's put
it all out on the table here.

When I first saw a picture
of you in Jeff's phone,

I thought, oh, my God,

am I just a stand-in here
when I wanted to be the star?

But then I remembered it's
all about timing, baby.

He loved you, but you
weren't ready to settle down.

I was, so to us, to me especially,

you'll always have
especial place in my heart.

Because otherwise, I
never would to find him.

You're right, I wasn't ready.

And I was, to get married,

to have kids.

We just adopted a little Chinese baby.

A girl.

Oh, sweet, what's her name?

We wanna call her by her given name,

which is Ho-Wan-Ho.

[Coughs]

Cool.

You know what's a good girl's name?

Colleen.

Oh, I like that. It's easy to pronounce.

Every time I try to say
her name, I get a hairball.

[Chuckles]

Look, I came here today
to hold my head up high.

And truthfully to see if
you were marrying Alejandro

as a replacement for me.

I came here with all this attitude,

as if this was all about me.

Which, clearly, it wasn't.

I couldn't be happier for the two of you.

[Upbeat music]

This is our song, but it's
so nice to meet you, Hank.

You too.

Come say hi to Ho-Wan-Ho.

Yes, I will.

♪ ♪

Yo!

Lost you there for a bit.

- You all right?
- Yeah, bro, I'm good.

- You sure?
- Yeah, man, I'm good.

- Okay.
- I'm good.

[Groans]

Hey, guys, I'm using my new skill.

[Both chuckle]

Fernando was looking for you.

Turns out you made quite the impression.

He wanted to give you his number.

Ooh.

How 'bout that? I got digits.

You got digits.

And I think he's prettier than me.

Not a chance.

Okay, so apply ice as needed.

Avoid strenuous activity
for the next few days.

Maybe stop underestimating women

or wear a cup.

It's your call.

How's he doing?

Not gonna be patrolling the streets

on his bike anytime soon.

He's a bike cop?

You know, I'm really glad I
came to this with you guys.

Jeff isn't marrying a
knock-off version of me.

He's marrying a better version of me.

What? That dude? No way.

It's okay, bro. It doesn't
bother me, honestly.

I realize now I really am over Jeff.

I don't want him. I just want what he has.

He found his soul mate. He found the one.

That's what I want.

I'm done with random hookups, chasing tail.

Done with it.

I want something meaningful,
something permanent.

I'm feeling some growth here today.

I do wanna get married, have a couple kids,

and I want the guy that I can stand up with

in front of all my friends and family

and say, "this is my man".

"My soul mate".

That's why God put us on this earth.

I am a changed man. This
wedding has changed me.

This is what happened to me today.

Holy shit, look at that ass.

I'll see y'all later.

Whoa, what about the speech you just gave

and finding your soul mate?

Look, maybe this is him.

I gotta start the search somewhere.

- [Upbeat music]
- Hey, buddy, how are you?

I love this song.

Well, then take my hand, my dear.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Ooh.

You know, since I learned
to dance a little bit,

I'm, like, 20% less scared to get married.

How drunk are you exactly?

Uh, just about the right
exact amount, I think.

Whoo-hoo!

Look at this.

♪ ♪

What are you doing, Brian?

The foxtrot.

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

♪ ♪