Single by 30 (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Hold the Phone! - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

♪ Oh, baby you ♪

♪ Oh, baby you ♪

♪ You got what I need ♪

♪ You got what I need ♪

So, we should
celebrate.

Celebrate what?

I got second place.

Okay, the judges
are like 30, okay?

They don't know what
cool dancing looks like anymore.

That one Matrix routine
you did...



Pchhoww... thing.

That was so cool.

I should've done
the Back to the Future theme.

They would've liked that.

Even older: Grease.

Uh, well, they just confirmed
what my parents always told me:

I should stop dancing
and pursue a regular safe job.

Look, second place doesn't mean
you should give up.

I think it's just awesome
that you were up there on stage,

you know,
just going for it.

Sunny's milkshakes?

Oh, there's never a bad reason
for Sunny's milkshakes.

Come on, let's go.

[♪♪♪]



[SLURPS END OF MILKSHAKE]

Feelin' better?

Not really.

I just wanna go on
like one date

where I don't need to decompress
over a milkshake afterwards.

People at Sunny's
are starting to recognize me.

[CELL PHONE VIBRATES]

Is that something important?

Just a notification.

[BUTTONS CLICKING]

Got another match.

Wait, you're still on apps?

I thought things were going well
with that Sarah girl.

They are.

We just haven't really
talked about it, you know.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Yes, you were though.
Over here.

What's up, Peter?

Oh, I didn't know you were here.

He's always here,
but now he's leaving.

Oh, I am?

Yes.

I guess I'm leaving.

I guess I'll walk out with him.

Hope there's no more milkshakes
in your future.

Wow, that's like the fourth time
this week he's spent the night?

Yeah, but don't worry about it,
it's not going to happen again.

Four times means this is
just a casual hook up.

If we go to five, then it means
that this casual hook up

could become a thing,

and a thing could
quickly become a situation.

Nobody wants a situation so...

Speaking of which,
feel free to use me

as an excuse to get out of
hanging out with Peter again.

He's been over here
five times, at least.

Yeah, well, I mean,
Peter's different.

I told you,
we're not hooking up.

Right, and why is that again?

He's very hot,
he listens to your problems,

he buys you milkshakes.
What's wrong with you?

[♪♪♪]

Mm, Bieber or Swift?

PETER:
To make out with,
or be friends with?

What?
No, to listen to.

I thought bedroom DJs aren't
allowed to like mainstream.

Normally, yes, but mainstream
pays those bills.

What bills?
You still live at home.

Shut up.

Anyway, I got
my first real gig tonight.

Do you remember
how Mom and Dad made me join

that whole honor society thing?

Yeah, Gamma Nu Pi,
or something?

Isn't that
like a coed frat?

I mean, they call
themselves a frat

because they're nerds,

and those nerds invited me
to DJ their party.

Mm, aren't you technically
one of those nerds?

This is the point, okay?

I want you to picture
20 geeks in ties,

drinking mocktails.

I have to play
the mocktails of music.

So take a look at this
and tell me what you think.

Yeah, I recognize
some of those names.

So what time's
the party at?

I mean, I want to see
your debut.

Yeah...

No.

Heh, what, you don't want

your cooler older brother
cheering you on?

It's not my JV soccer game.

Come on, we never
really get to hang out.

You mean the eight hours
we spend here

filling orders
isn't enough?

You know what I mean.

Now that
you're back from college,

you know, I figured
we could hang out

like real siblings.

Fine. It's 7:30.

I promise I won't stay long.

I have a date.

Oh, heh, a date.

Okay, you don't have
to lie to me.

I have a date.

Oh yeah,
good luck on your date.

Okay, he's got
a date, everyone.

[MOCKINGLY LAUGHS]

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[LIVELY CHATTERING]

Yo, you told me tonight was
supposed to be low key.

Yeah, that's
what Grace said.

But we won't be here long.

I have a date
with Sarah tonight.

Oh no, that's cool.

I'm in it
for the long haul, man.

Yeah, I got no plans,

especially since Chloe
doesn't want us to be a thing.

If she doesn't want this,

I'm happy
to keep my options open.

And there are
plenty of options.

Wow, her booty's thicker
than a bowl of oatmeal.

[WHISPERS]
Excuse me.

PETER:
Excuse me, hey, sorry, sorry.

What's happened?

This is a lot more
than 20 people.

Apparently,
the word got out.

There's like 3 frats here

and the water polo team,
and anime club.

So, you gonna go on soon?

Uh, actually, no,
I'm going much later.

Bummer, my big bro's
gonna miss my debut.

Good luck on your date.

What?
No, no, no, no.

I came to hear you
scratch filthy beats,

and I Googled a bunch of--

Okay, just-- Just stop talking.

Okay, I need
to go set up my gear.

This was supposed to be
a simple gig

with just a bunch of nerds,

and now I got to,
like, impress people.

Get out of my way,
you weirdo.

Yo, drink this.

Uh, Grace is not going
to go on for a while.

I think
I gotta cancel with Sarah.

What should I text her?

I don't know,

if you don't care,
literally text her anything.

Mm, this one time
I texted this girl

a cactus emoji,
and she knew we were done. Boom.

No, I do actually
want to see her again.

Man, I haven't been
to a college party in years.

Chloe's really gonna regret
letting me loose.

'Sup.

That son of a bitch.

Oh, wow. Hi.

Mark just posted a snap
of himself at a party.

I thought you were taking
a break from Mark.

I am, but he knows
that I have massive FOMO,

and he's FOMO-baiting me
on purpose.

But you guys
aren't exclusive,

and you don't want
to be exclusive,

so isn't this good?

Ah, Joanna, Joanna,
Joanna, Joanna.

I don't want
to be exclusive with him.

I want him to want
to be exclusive with me.

It's not that hard. What
don't you understand about this?

Um, everything.

[MUSIC AND CHATTERING ON PHONE]

Wait a second.

Girls in crop tops,
a game of flip cup,

stop sign as decor.

[GASPS]
Unbelievable.

He's at UNLA.

Wait, how did you...?

Tiny school logo

on a tiny polo shirt.

Damn, you're
like Nancy Drew.

Well, online stalking's
a critical part of the game.

Who is Nancy Drew?
Is she verified?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, whatever.

I need you to get dressed,

'cause we're crashing
this party.

Oh, a college party?
No.

That's not happening.

Joanna,

college guys are
exactly what you need right now.

They're quick, easy,
and you can steal

the scrunchie off their doorknob
the next morning.

And tonight, you're gonna
make out with something

other than a milkshake.

Get dressed,
we're going.

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, yes,

cheap beer
and peer pressure.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Oh, my God,
check it out.

Love that move.
Miss that move.

What move?

The Triple P:
phone, pocket, play.

You find a guy you're into,

and you ask him
to hold your phone,

then at the end of the night,
he has to find you

to give it back to you.
By that point,

you'll both be drunk,
so you hook up.

Classic Triple P.

Oh.

I'll probably just keep
my phone in my clutch.

What clutch, Joanna?

Okay, the last thing
that Mark snapped

was a video of him doing
an ice luge, so...

BRB.

Thanks for inviting me, Chloe.

It's been super fun
hanging out with you.

Peter?

Joanna, wh-what
are you doing here?

I was dragged
into Mark and Chloe drama.

Did Mark bring you?

Uh, no. I brought him.

Ah, Grace is DJing
the party tonight.

Grace DJs?

Yeah. Come on.

PETER:
So, you ready to party
like you're 21 again?

Oh, I'm ready to party
like I'm 30.

You know, um,
it's all about partying

smarter not harder.

Even in college, I didn't party
like a college kid.

All my classes
were at 9:00 a.m.

So were you ever
in a sorority?

Worse.

An a cappella group.

[GROANS]

Girls in Treble.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, which
was especially awkward

for the one guy in our group.

You think we would've been
friends in college?

I don't know,
probably not.

I mean, we would've
seen each other

in a party,
or in the hall,

but you probably
would've thought

you were too cool for me.

What? I literally

just told you
I was in an a cappella group.

Like, I was not too cool
for anyone.

Well, I mean, a capella
groups are kinda cool now,

with that Glee show
and stuff, but...

Awesome, so this is our first
college party together.

Mm, and possibly our first
hangover together.

This is strong.
Let me get you one.

Oh, wait. Uh, Peter...

Could you hold my phone?

It's just,
I don't have pockets,

you know,
so it's-it's annoying.

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Who is that?

That is, um, Sarah,

the girl that
I picked for Peter.

How do you feel about it?

Are you okay? I mean--

Oh, my God,
look at Mark talking

to Crop Top McGee over there.
I'll be back.

Confession:

I am not a total nerd,

but I didn't really drink
a lot in college.

I was focused
on the whole Pre-Med thing.

Counter-confession:

Me too.

[LAUGHS]

Except
the whole Pre-Med thing.

I've always wanted to know what
it was like at a frat party.

Oh, my God, I wonder if
I have the upper body strength

to do a keg stand.

Oh, I can hold your legs.

Perfect. So romantic.

That's so romantic.

Hey, long line at the keg?

Yeah, yeah.
Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah, Joanna,
this is Sarah.

And Sarah,
this is Joanna,

my friend
from high school.

Nice to meet you.

You too.

Peter, what time
is your sister going on?

Oh, uh, I'm not sure.

Uh, let me go check
on her.

So, uh, Sarah,
what do you do?

I'm a pediatrician.

How about you?

Ah, me. Um...

You know, I'm kinda
in between things right now.

Um, yeah, I used
to be in finance.

I just moved back to L.A.,

and I moved in
with my best friend's sister.

She's really cool.

Yeah, I'm just, um,

I'm just tryin'
to figure stuff out

right now.

Awesome.

[HIP HOP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Nice. That's two,
that's three cups.

MARK: Ball's back.

There you are.

You're not inviting me
to parties?

Chloe, what,
what are you doing here?

I saw
your Snap story, okay.

It was clearly FOMO-bait.

What are you, like,
hitting on

college-aged girls now?

That is so pathetic,
and potentially illegal.

Oh. Oh, pathetic?

As pathetic as you seeing
my Snapchat stories,

and tracking down
where I am?

Who are you, Nancy Drew?

Who is this Nancy person
that you keep on--?

Is she like a blogger?

Or is just she--
Is she like on the--

Stop that! You know what,
it doesn't matter.

Keep playing. Don't listen
to her.

No, don't-- No, stop!

No, don't--

Throw the ball, Brad!

Don't do it, Brad!

Throw the ball!

Damn it!
Listen,

you wanna
play games, okay,

you can't game
the game master, all right?

No? Ooh.

No, you can't.

Tonight I'm gonna get
my puma on, okay?

I am a single--
You hear that, Brad?

Single, hot
26-year-old woman,

and tonight I'm gonna make
some college guys--

maybe Brad--
ruin his patterned board shorts.

Okay, yeah, well, me too.

but with the opposite sex!

If you wanna check out
any more updates,

just check out
my Snapchat story.

I know you will.

Stalker!

I'm not a stalker.
Don't.

Throw it, throw it.

Damn it!

Come on!

Damn it!

Oh, hey, Chloe.

Hi.

How'd it go with Mark?

Not at all as I planned,

so now,
to appear irresistible,

I need a hot frat guy
to make out with.

What's your status?

I really just wanna
get out of here, you know?

What? No. No, hey.

No. No. Look around.

21-year-olds
everywhere, okay.

Hot, horny,
at their sexual peak,

and as a 30-year-old woman,

you are also
at your sexual peak.

Twenty-nine.

Whatever.

You're a human,
and you have carnal desires,

and college guys are great
for satisfying those.

Just look at them.

I mean, they have no feelings.

They barely have brains.
Their frontal lobes

won't develop
for several years, okay?

They get in
and they get out,

and that's exactly
what you need.

Hi, can I steal you
for a second?

Hey.

You're hot,
and seem down to clown.

What's your name?

Trevor.

Trevor, very cool stuff.
He's yours.

And let's
get a look at you.

Yes, you'll do nicely.

'Sup.

He's mine.

What do you say
we make some mistakes together?

[LAUGHS]

Your t-shirt
has letters on it.

That's great.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Hey, what are you
doin' out here?

There's
so many more people here

than I thought
there was gonna be.

And they all have phones.

Do you know how viral
DJ fails are?

If tonight doesn't work out,
maybe that means

that taking a year off
to pursue music was a mistake.

I should've just gotten a secure
job like all my friends.

Look, even the greats
take a year off.

Jordan left the game
to play baseball.

Actually, that was
a mistake.

Really big mistake,
actually.

What I'm tryin' to say is,

maybe this is
your Space Jam?

Sorry to interrupt
the rousing halftime speech,

but can I just say something?

Uh, who are you?

Oh, ha, this is my date.

You exist?

Yeah, I'm Sarah.

And what you're feeling
is totally normal,

but, you know,
when I went into med school,

I went in
right after college,

and I really wish
I'd taken time off

to take risks.

However tonight goes,

it's awesome,
you're going for it.

You're doing exactly
what you should be doing

in your early 20s.

Heh, plus, everyone
at this party is drunk.

They're not gonna remember.

Mm, thanks.

Her speech was
much better than yours,

by the way.

I'll see you guys in 20.

So get 'em, Gracie!

Hey, thank you.

I hope she doesn't suck.

Yeah.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, so what's your Snap?

[SNAPS FINGERS]

That's cute, but I meant
your Snapchat,

like, can I add you
as a friend, or..?

This is my only snap.

Dude, you gotta get on it,
it's the best!

Like, I mean,
I'm kind of a big deal,

people call me
like a Snap-lebrity.

I get like a thousand views
a Snap.

Not a big deal,
but kind of a big deal.

Sometimes I make jokes,
I make jokes on there too.

I-I will like have my face,

but I'll put
like an emoji on it.

So I put ghosts right here,

act like scared, you know?

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna find
my friend, though.

I'll be-- I'll be--

Oh, sure.

Hey, Joanna,
I, um, I miss you already.

[JOANNA SCOFFS]

A lot, heh.

All right, bitches, we're about
to shotgun these beers.

Yeah, but that's kind of
an offensive use of that word.

Uh, do you have any like,
anything else,

like anything microbrewed
or something?

Nope, I'm sorry.
3, 2, 1, let's do this!

Ah, not even that deep.

Oh my God, oh my God!

[MAN VOCALIZES]

Yeah, you are
so good at that, heh.

[BELCHES]

Just burped in my mouth.

You just burped into my mouth.

That was totally an accident.

Okay.

Professor Hok is
totally ruining my life.

MARK:
Oh. Yeah, I don't,
I don't miss that.

GIRL:
Oh, you graduated? When?

Yeah, it's been about a...

nine years ago.

GIRL:
So you're what,

you're like 30?

Why are you here?

Oh my God, are you a cop?

No, wait, Katie, hey...

[MANIACAL LAUGHING]

This guy might be a cop.

How deeply uncool.

Here we go! Oh!

You got beat by a rookie!

Ohh, yes!

You're a natural!

I know, I've found
my true calling.

Oh hey, uh,
Grace is about to go on.

You wanna go to the dance floor?

Yeah, cool.

Um, I'm gonna run
to the bathroom,

and I'll see you there.

Hey! You havin' fun?

Yeah, a blast.

I should come right
to college more often.

Hey, how's everything
with Sarah?

Oh yeah, she dominated
in flip cup.

She's kind of badass.

Here we go, Gracie!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, they like it!

She's giving 'em earworms!

Give 'em earworms, Grace!

You are so embarrassing.

Heh, that's the point.

You're very cool.

I know.

Oh, man,

when did people
stop dancing with each other

and just start bouncing around
in the same direction?

What, you're not into
zombie line dancing?

What are you doing
Wednesday night?

I have plans.

Cool, me too.

I'm just saying,
you know,

dancing is much more fun
when you're facing someone.

Hey, well, someone should
go show 'em how it's done!

Go!

Nah, I'm retired.

I haven't forgotten
you were the best guy

on the dance team.

Second best.

Not that
it still bothers me

that I got 2nd place in
that competition or anything.

Redemption time!

Mm-mm.

Come on, old man!

What, are you too cool
to dance?

Oh, are you challenging me?

Come on!

Okay. Okay, all right.

Here we go.

Hey!

All right, get in there!

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PICKS UP]

That's my brother!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Ooh, I am getting older.

Oh, my gosh,
did you see that guy?

That was unreal.

That was unreal.

W-w-wait,
hold on, hold on.

Um, if we wanna make
this relationship work,

I think we should--

Whoa! Whoa! We're like--

You're like 21, right?

You should be afraid
of the R-word.

Just because I'm 21
doesn't mean

I don't have
a lot of feelings,

and I'm not able to express
a lot of--

That's my drink.

That was rum. I hate rum.

See, this is great! This is the
best part of the relationship.

We're still learning stuff
about each other.

I personally love rum.
I also love gum.

And my thumbs. You know,
I'm pretty much a rapper.

I should make a Snap about rap.
I'm doing it again!

PETER:
Oh, my God,
I am so out of shape.

That was pretty amazing.

That was so rad, mister.

So, I didn't know
you could dance.

Oh, I usually don't,
but Joanna challenged me.

Oh, it was Joanna's idea?

Yeah.

How do you guys
know each other again?

We grew up together.

Everyone's really nice.

I've had so much fun tonight.

At a frat party.

Words I thought
I'd never say.

Right?

Hey, thank you so much
for coming tonight.

I'm not sure
how many other women

would be so cool with this.

Well, I'm
not like other women.

So maybe
you should lock this down.

Oh, oh, should I?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I like you, Peter.

I like you too, Sarah.

[♪♪♪]

Confession:

I switched shifts tomorrow

so I can spend the night
with you tonight.

Counter-confession:

I like that.

So we should
make this official?

I'd like that.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS IN DISTANCE]

[GROANING]

Hey.

What?

[CATCHING BREATH]

Aren't you supposed
to be hunting?

Yes, but honestly, Mark,

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired. I can't party
like a 21-year-old anymore.

Uh, I know. Samesies.

[SCOFFS]
I feel...

Like feelings wise,

I feel like a puma,

but my fear

is that--

[SCOFFS]
Am I--? Shit

Am I a cougar?

Dude, puma, cougar,
what does it matter?

How about--
How about you and I

act like a couple of rabbits
in the back seat of my car?

Okay, fine, fine.

Fine, but tomorrow,
we're taking a break.

Don't text me,
even if something crazy happens.

on Game of Thrones.

Heh, okay.

Look, let's just go
to my place.

We won't have
to deal with, well,

roommates and whatnot.

Let's make out.

[♪♪♪]

When did this happen?

Oh, I have to pee.

Hey, so before
things get, uh,

physical between us,
I just--

I just got
to let you know that

I'm actually
a very sensitive guy,

so don't go breaking
my heart, all right?

Oh, by the way,
do you have your ID on you?

Because the deal
with my dorm room

is you kinda need to sign into--

Trevor, Trevor.

I hope this
doesn't sound too harsh,

uh, the worst thing
I've ever done

in my life

was make out
with you tonight.

Oh.

So that's a hard no

on you comin' to my dorm?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry,
I-I gotta go.

Okay.

Oh, can I borrow
your phone?

LISA:
I can't believe you
remembered my cell phone number.

Yep, you and Rachel Toomey.

What?

I can't believe
she became a principal.

Like, that girl
used to party.

Yeah, apparently
so do you.

What was it like kissing
a 21-year-old?

He wasn't the worst kisser.

Not too much tongue.

Plus, he had
a nice back.

What?

I know.

I love backs.

Wait, you never told me why
you gave Peter your phone.

I just thought my night
was gonna turn out differently.

Give me more ice cream.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

No pass code.
Really?

I could've done
so much damage.

But I took care of her,

and fed her some juice.

[CHUCKLES]

Here you go.

Thanks, Peter. You're the best.

Hey, did you have fun
last night?

What'd you think of her?

Um, Sarah's great.

Oh, I meant Grace,

but Sarah thinks
you're great too.

Oh, hey, pact update.

Sarah and I took
a big step last night.

We both deleted
our dating apps.

Off app.

Well, good for you.
Congrats.

Thanks. How about you?

No updates here,
except, uh,

I'm pretty sure I need
to date someone

who's not
on a campus meal plan.

[LAUGHS]

You need a milkshake?

Uh, no. I, uh--

I should work on my resume,

and get back
to the old job hunt.

[♪♪♪]

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm just tired.

Oh, yeah. All right.

[LAUGHS]

Bye.

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING OUT]

MAN [ON PHONE]:
Hey, Joanna.

Hi, Carl.

[♪♪♪]