Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Untz, Untz, Untz - full transcript

So, yeah, the first 10 years of my life,

I called it a "teethbrush,"
but in my defense,

you brush your teeth, not your tooth!

Hey, you guys even listening to me?

We most definitely are not.

Uh, sorry, Miggy.

I realized I forgot my floss again.

You carry floss around with you?

Like in the container or loose?

Container, Miggy.

It's for my overnight bag for Douglas'.



I'm always packing and repacking it.
Forgetting things.

Spent a whole day without a bra once.

Felt unhinged. And a little sexy.

Hey, doesn't Douglas ever
sleep at your house?

Never. My place is more comfortable.

We're happier there.

Excuse me? I don't remember you
asking me how I felt about it.

My sheets are hand-loomed
in the fjords of Norway.

They only make two sets a year.

I just thought it was safe to assume.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys!

- Stop fighting!
- We're not fighting.

We're just having
a playful back-and-forth.

Okay, I'll fix this.



Douglas, tonight, you have to
spend the night at Poppy's.

Don't bother, Miggy.
Douglas is stuck in his ways.

Hey, I take issue with that.

You know, in 1972,
I camped out for three nights

on a Buffalo sidewalk
just to get Sabre tickets?

We had to huddle together for warmth.

But with close proximity comes disease.

Gregory...

Oh, anyway, listen, Poppy, if you want,

I'll, uh... I'll spend the night
at your place.

Aww! Wait, should we talk
about Gregory? 'Cause...

You know what? Forget it.

Turn your head, Miggy.
I'm gonna kiss this man.

- Bring it in.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mwah!
- Aww.

Get ready for the best night
of your life.

[Knock on door]

- Hey.
- Damn you.

Last night was the worst night
of my life!

High five, my man. Nowhere to go but up!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

DOUGLAS: Gregory.

It smells weird in here.

It's probably Graham's lunch.

Yeah, we only had eggs,

so I boiled six, called it a day.

- Oh, hey, Colin.
- COLIN: Oh, hi, Angie.

How's it going?

Oh, you know, pretty
bog-standard day so far.

Yeah.

That's... good.

[Indistinct conversations]

Well, uh, yeah, cheers.

- Hee-hee.
- Yeah.

What in Cupid's tiny grave
just happened?

I have goose bumps

and obviously not the good kind.

Things with Colin and me

kind of cooled down
since Valentine's Day.

Really? Why?

I thought you guys shared
some heat on the swing set.

You were all... [Imitates techno beat]

Okay, what did I tell you
about fist pumping?

- No.
- Right.

[Sighs] And, yeah,
we did have heat, all right?

So much that
it was probably inappropriate

on school property.

- But nothing has happened since.
- Ohh.

Do you think maybe he just
sees you as a mom from class?

[Scoffs] A mom from class?!

Excuse me?

Uh, sir, I invite you
to check out the merchandise.

Not too much.

All I need to do is get Colin alone,

bust out my A-game,
and he'll be powerless.

I just need an in.

RORY: What about Sophie?

I mean, she's desk mates
with Colin's kid.

Percy? I don't know
if Sophie likes him very much.

No one likes him.
Kid's obsessed with apples.

- AMY: The way he talks about Fujis...
- [Sighs]

...is chilling.

God, I'd kill for a hobby.

Anyway, thanks, kids.

Beat it.

Oh, my God. Will, that is perfect.

I'll just invite Colin over
for a playdate tonight.

Can I borrow your daughter for bait?

Ho'd up. I thought we were taking
Graham and Sophie for pizza tonight.

We've been planning this for a while.

I have been micro-dosing LACTAID
since Monday.

Sorry, bro, this is more important.

Here comes the apple man.

Why would you force me
to sleep at Poppy's?

My whole body is destroyed.
Here, feel this.

It's the L5.

Yikes. That disk wants out.

Yeah, the whole experience
was a nightmare,

from soup to nuts.

First of all, I couldn't have
my usual nightcap

because Poppy doesn't have
any single-malt whiskey,

so I had to drink red wine

like a maître d'
closing up for the night.

Then I'm in her bathroom, which
is the size of an Alfa Romeo.

Not a reference I get.

- It's a small car, Miggy.
- If you say so.

I go to brush my teeth,

and there's nowhere
to put the brush down

'cause of the hundreds
of candles and trinkets

and just the tops of so many things.

So I put it on the back of the toilet

like a gigolo in a Denny's bathroom.

Then the clock strikes 8:45,
so I gotta make.

Make what?

Make peace with my dinner.

Still don't get it.

Dookie, Miggy!

- Oh.
- Drop anchor!

Release the hounds! Come on!

But the problem is
the toilet is just 6 inches

- from her bedroom...
- [Laughter on TV]

...separated by a wall
the width of a grape nut.

So the chickens
can't come home to roost,

if you know what I mean.

You know I've never seen
a chicken in real life?

So, I'm blocked
like a stalled cement truck

and just want to relax,

but Poppy's watching "Frasier,"
full volume.

You know what Roz's voice
sounds like with a subwoofer?

She was laughing like it's brand-new.

[Laughs] Roz, you tell it like it is!

And she keeps it on
while she falls asleep.

But here's the worst part... the bed!

That mattress came after me

like I had done something to its family.

Wow. Some night.

I hate to see a tall,
rich white man suffer like that.

So, what are you gonna do?

I-I don't know what I'm gonna do,

but I-I can't say anything,

'cause I don't want
to hurt her feelings.

- Hey!
- [Chuckles]

I thought I heard you
clomping around up here.

Either that, or Miggy bought a pony.

- [Both laugh]
- Hey.

Anyway, I just wanted to say
last night was amazing,

and it just...

it means so much to me
that you stayed over.

You know, it's funny...

I was just telling Miggy
how much I loved it.

[Gasps] Awww.

Oh, he was! He was.

I was like, "Did you love it?"
And he was like, "Yes."

And I was like, "How much?"
And he was like, "A lot."

And I was like, "No, no,
quantify it specifically."

And he was like, "Five stars."

And I was like, "Out of how many stars?"

And then you walked in.

- [Chuckles]
- Aww.

- In fact, he wants to do it again.
- Really?!

Tonight!

Ohhh!

♪♪

It would be my pleasure.

Aww!

- Mm.
- [Giggles]

[Chuckles]

- I would love it.
- Thank you.

[Traditional Italian music plays]

Mmm!

Pizza, root beer, empty stage

where the creepy animatronic
gondoliers used to perform.

This is what it's all about.

We don't need your mom or my daughter.

[Scoffs] Yeah,
we're better off without 'em.

We got a fresh batch of plushies

being loaded to the perfect height.

I better go stop the plushie stuffer

before he packs them in too tight.

Hello, good sir.

My name's Louis.

Don't call me "sir."
It feels condescending.

Louis. Sorry.

Um, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind

not packing the stuffies too tight.

Listen, I have
very little agency in this job,

except when it comes to this machine.

I stuff how I want.

Okay.

I totally support you all the way.

It's just, my friend and I,

we're kind of having a guys' night.

We're looking forward to bro-ing out

and clawin' us a stuffed gorilla or two.

Looks like your bro's busy.

GRAHAM: Check this out.

Gushers: Oops All Gush.

It's just the juice from the middle.

Wouldn't the juice just get
everywhere when you open the packet?

Not if it came with a straw.

- Ah.
- WILL: Hey, buddy, machine's free.

You ready to claw
'til we can't claw na mah?

I'll handle this sad stranger.

Do you need help
finding your family, sir?

Are you pretending to...

Oh. Wow. Okay.

You know what? [Chuckles]

I mistook you for a friend of mine.

My apologies.

I will be on my way.

♪♪

Wow, "sir" really is condescending.

Tell me honestly...

do you think this shade
makes me look too...

Ugh, how do I put this?

...friendly?

You look like a hot cartoon mouse.

Oh. Thank you!

Isn't this fun?

Just us two gals getting me
all dolled up for a date?

Is it a date?
Because last time I checked,

9-year-olds weren't famous
for making things spicy.

This is Angie D'Amato you're talking to.

[Chuckles]

You don't got to worry about spicy.

We're really walking a line here, huh?

Okay, look, I just need you

to hang out with Percy
for a couple hours

while I have some alone time
with his dad, all right?

[Doorbell rings]

Bright smile, Sophie!

Good day!

Come in. Come in.

Make yourself comfortable.

Should we take off our shoes?

Oh, if you want to start that way

and see where the night takes us.

[Chuckles] I'm kidding.

- Oh.
- [Chuckles]

Hi, Percy.

Do you want to see my...

- friend Graham's room?
- Sure!

Can we play Orchard?

[Sighs]

Maybe.

[Sighs]

Aw.

Where is, uh... Where is Graham?

Oh, loving life. [Chuckles] Somewhere.

Ah.

Uh, can I, uh, pour you some wine?

Actually, would you mind
if I just ran out

and just took care of a few errands?

- [Cork pops]
- Heh?

I don't know about you,

but we go through paper towels
like crazy.

I saw this lady on TV wring one out

and then just keep using it.

No one really does that, right?

Yeah. Yeah! Pbht!

Get out of here.

I already got a man. [Chuckles]

Thanks so much.

Listen, it's, uh... it's just so nice

to know another single parent
who understands the juggle.

- Yeah.
- [Chuckles] Anyway,

give me a call if there's a problem.

Actually, I don't have your cell...

[Door closes]

Fun.

Looks like you're free
to play Orchard with us.

Pbht.

Oops. You ate too many apple seeds,

and now you have arsenic poisoning.

Time to go to the apple hospital.

Again?!

Why do we still have to play
with this creepshow?

I can't go through another harvest.

- You already blew it with Colin.
- I did not.

I just need more time, that's all.

You just watch.

When he gets back,

I'm gonna burn his face off
with my spice.

No more hospital beds. You go rotten.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey!

Thanks so much for watching Percy.

I got so many errands done

- at your big American Target.
- [Door closes]

You know, now that I'm a single dad,

it's so hard to find the time

to feed your child

and then go shopping for all the food

that is required for the feeding.

Aah!

They make cat feeders,
why not kid feeders?

- [Chuckles]
- Right?

- Right, we'll be off.
- Oh, really?

Already?

But Sophie and Percy
are having so much fun.

- Really?
- Yeah.

PERCY: Apples.

This is huge.

I...

Percy sometimes has trouble
making friends because of the...

- breakup.
- The apple thing? Yeah.

That, um...

But, you know, if there's one person

that can nerd out on a single topic,

- it is Sophie Cooper.
- Okay.

Well, then shall we
let this friendship bloom?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'll stick around for a bit?

Yeah, I'll get my lava lamp warmed up,

- we can take our shirts off.
- Oh.

[Laughs] I'm just kidding.

I don't have a lava lamp.

♪♪

Mmm.

That is really good.

That man's still staring at us.

Should we call a grown-up?

I got this.

♪♪

Dude, you're freaking out Taylor.

Oh, is that her name?

Yeah, I wasn't introduced.

- Cut it out!
- I will not cut it out.

This was supposed to be our night!

Yeah, well, I had to see about a girl.

You wouldn't get it.

[Scoffs] Oh. I wouldn't get it?

As a Good Will myself,
I completely get it.

I'm just surprised
you would stoop this low

just to break your dry spell.

- My dry spell?
- Yeah, I said it.

Last year at this time,
you were on fire.

Bunny Ears, Louisa, my daughter...

and from all the texts Lance sent me,

sounds like you cleaned up
at space camp.

But so far, in second grade?

Goose egg.

Don't take it out on me

because my mom has someone
and you don't.

Meanwhile, your boy's

having an older woman
feed him mozzarelle.

Ugh, Graham, we get it. You're Italian.

Like one-eighth of most of us!

Esci da questo ristorante, meteorologo!

That's Italian for

"Leave this restaurant, weatherman!"

Nothing would make me happier.

But I can't.

'Cause you're nine and that's not cool.

Just go!

Fine.

You do you.

I will go.

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go.

I'll just... go.

Watch me how I go.

♪♪

[Light switch clicks]

DOUGLAS: All right. Round 2.

Sleepy time.

Sleepy, sleepy.

This is a treat.

[Chuckles]

Terrific.

[Sighs]

Okay, Douglas.

- Uh-huh.
- Can I tell you something?

Anything.

- I hate this so much.
- What?

- You hate this, too?
- You in my bed

is like sleeping with Frankenstein

being lightning-ed to life.

- Last night was awful.
- [Laughter on TV]

Floppy flop flop.

Not even "Frasier" could soothe me.

- [Sighs]
- Gregory.

So, why didn't you say something?

Because it was progress.

You, you came into my world.

You slept in my dumb bed.

You were on my turf for once.

Oh, I didn't know this was a turf thing.

I-I just thought we were
more comfortable at my house.

Well, of course we are.

You live in the house
of a James Bond villain.

And because of that, I'm always
the one schlepping to you.

Face it, Douglas, you call the shots.

[Sighs]

Oh, come on.

If I decided things,

our kids would be in boarding school

and we'd be eating shrimp

at the tropical tax shelter
of your choosing.

[Inhales sharply]

I'm doing the best I can, Pops.

I know, but this isn't gonna change.

And I just need to decide
if I want to be with someone

whose world will always be

a little more important than mine.

Oh, come on, that's not fair.

I do my part. I-I babysit Rory.

I pretend to keep an open mind
in conversations

like the one we're having now.

Okay, we're both exhausted.

Let's just say good night

and sleep in our own
damn beds, all right?

I need to be alone.
Well, alone with "Frasier."

You know what?

Just for the record, everyone knows

that this country has not made
a great TV show since "JAG."

What's "JAG"?

Huh? Okay, you know what?

I can't talk to you
when you're like this.

- ANGIE: Colin!
- [Hawaiian music playing]

I'm parched!

Hurry!

♪♪

Oh.

Gosh.

You caught me dancing.

Um, I'm not sure how
I "caught" you doing anything,

considering you just
sent me to the kitchen

and then told me to hurry back.

You know, I just realized that
I never offered you a snack.

Oh, no.

Strawberries and chocolate?

Normally, I like to use Strawberry Quik,

but tonight I wanted to take my time.

♪♪

Uh, can I just say

I'm feeling a bit strange about this?

About eating chocolate
on a pristine couch?

[Scoffs]

We're bad, aren't we?

Aw, you're wiping so much jam
on that pillow.

I'm sorry, I just have to clear the air.

Are we on a date?

'Cause, uh, I don't think
that would be a good idea.

Oh. W-What?

No. Uh... a date?

[Chuckles]

You're hilarious.

No, this is...
You thought this was a date?

Well, oh, yeah, becau...
well, 'cause of the candles...

Oh, my eyes were strained
from the big lights!

And the seductive island rhythms...

I'll change it!

Computer, play Puddle of Mudd.

COMPUTER: Puddle of Mudd not found.

Okay, uh, well, sorry. I misunderstood.

- Yeah.
- [Sighs deeply]

Well, it is, uh...

it is getting late,
so we should head out.

Okay, yeah, sure. Of course.

I'll go grab Percy.

Okay.

Drop-off playdate...

successful.

[Chuckles]

Jig is up.

Playdate not successful.

I guess your dad was right.

I'm just a school mom with no spice.

- But good news, we done.
- Oh, no.

- That's bad news.
- How do you mean?

I think I love Percy now.

Something switched.

Now all I want to do
is talk about apples.

- Forever.
- What?

Look, I am in a bad spot here, okay?

But if they leave right now,

maybe I get out of this alive.

Not gonna happen, babe.

- They stay, or else.
- Or else what?

This is already a disaster.

Or else I tell Colin
this playdate was a trap

baited with children.

Yeah, that's definitely

the worst way you could say it, but...

you wouldn't.

Colin!

Angie organized this whole thing

so she could go on a date with you!

Aah!

[Both panting]

ANGIE: Oh.

She said it all, huh?

Yeah. Sorry.

I realized in the air I was too late.

So, um, how do you feel about oranges?

Hey, look, Colin.

I'm sorry
that everything I've done today

has been crazy and legally actionable.

Do you mean when you tackled
the small child

to hide the fact that you like me?

Is... That is what happened?

That... That d... Yeah,
I think... Yeah, that's right.

I guess I-I couldn't handle the fact

that you just see me
as a mom in a class.

Angie, I-I do like you.

You're beautiful and strange,

and you say "butts" a lot...

Ha.

Butts.

But this single-parent thing
is... is new to me.

I'm just trying
to keep my head above water.

I-I don't know how I'm supposed to

get Percy to school on time and date.

I-It's just so overwhelming.

- How do you do it?
- Nine years of practice.

And if today proves anything,

it's that I-I haven't
figured it out yet.

[Both chuckle]

But, yeah, you'll get there.

I can help you.

- I'd like that.
- Oh.

[Exhales deeply]

[Sighs]

Eventually, everyone buys the merch.

Hmm?

Nothing. Ignore me.

Hmm.

Mm.

Kids.

Oh, um...

[Clears throat]

♪♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Sighs]

[Breathes deeply]

♪♪

[Cellphone buzzes]

[Cellphone clicks]

Hey.

DOUGLAS: Hey, Poppy.

This is, uh, Douglas Fogerty.

I know.

- Your name came up.
- I know.

I was just trying to be cute.

It was a miss.

- Can't sleep?
- Nah.

I just miss your face.

Mm.

Hey, should we try that, uh,
Face Phone thing?

- Oh, FaceTime?
- No, I don't think that's it.

I want to say, uh, Face Guy.

- What...
- [Cellphone warbling]

Okay, well, now it's
screaming at me. What...

Okay, just hit "accept."

Oh, you did it!

There you are.

You're so beautiful.

Hey, do you think our boys
and girls in Afghanistan

know that they can use this

to see their loved ones back home?

I'm pretty sure they do, yeah.

That's good.

Listen, Poppy, I've been thinking.

It's not about stuff

or whose mattress is more comfortable.

I just need you.

♪♪

How about I move in?

Seriously?

Uh, I mean, that's sweet but crazy.

The tandem parking alone would kill you.

Plus, where would the kids sleep?

Weird how that never crossed my mind.

Okay, revision...
you and Rory, you move in here.

A-And not on my terms.

You could... You could change
anything you want.

- You...
- [Cellphone warbling]

Uh... [Exhales sharply] Uh...

- Hey, hey, hey. Hey, yeah.
- What happened?

Where's Poppy?

I wanted to see how things were going.

Uh, I-I feel bad. Did I ruin things?

Hang up! I'm on with Poppy.

Oh, merge me!

- Goodbye!
- [Line beeps]

- [Cellphone warbling]
- Hey.

Where were we?

Uh, you asked me to move in with you,

which is an amazing offer.

I'd like to sleep on it?

As long as I get to sleep next to you.

Okay.

[Chuckles]

♪♪

Good night, Poppy.

Good night, Douglas.

♪♪

[Laughter on TV]

- [Laughs]
- FRASIER: That's it.

I'm taking myself off the market.

- Frasier Crane has...
- [Laughs]

[Cellphone mutes]

Hmm.

WILL: Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Nope!

Hey, man. You've been playing
for half an hour.

- Give someone else a chance.
- Leave me be!

My friend Angie and my daughter
both abandoned me,

and now I've lost my best child friend.

GRAHAM: No, you haven't.

What happened?

You run out of luck with your new woman?

No, I got her number.

Well, her mom's number. You get it.

But this was supposed to be a bro night.

I shouldn't have ditched you
for a pair of cute peepers.

- So, why did you?
- You were right.

Second grade's been a desert.

But you know who's been with me
the whole time?

Me?

- No, my mom.
- Oh.

- But also you.
- [Chuckles]

That's why I told Taylor
I had to see about a grown man.

Thanks, man.

- You want to claw?
- Yeah, let's win some plushies

and love them super hard
for the rest of our lives.

[Laughs]

- All right.
- [Coins clink]

Take it away.

Yeah, all right.

- No, no, no, too forward.
- Yeah.

- Forward?
- No, go...

- What are you doing?
- Which way?!

Get your head in the game!

Stop yelling! This is stressful!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com