Single Parents (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Hip$ for Dolores - full transcript

God, I hate when they close
the school for no reason.

Well, there is a good reason.

Teacher enrichment?
It's gonna be off the hook.

You didn't hear this from me,

but word on the street is
there's gonna be bagels.

So, now we're stuck with them?
Is that even legal?

Guess that means I'm bringing
Graham to the law firm with me.

And apparently Rory, too,

because he is obsessed
with some dumb law show.

It's called "Gavel Town,"
and it's about Deb Schwepps,

a big-city lawyer who gets banished



to a small town in Georgia.

Tagline... "Don't judge her."

[Chuckles] My man.

My job is nothing like "Gavel Town."

- Overruled.
- [Beep]

- WOMAN: Pro bono, you didn't!
- What's that?

"LL"? Who's LL?

Cool J or Bean? Cool J or Bean?!

Okay, it's "landlord,"
as in the Winebrary landlord,

and I haven't opened it yet
because it's scary mail,

and when I get scary mail,
I have to wait

until I'm emotionally ready to read it.

And I'm thinking I'll be there
in about 10 more business days.

Well, that's insane.
What if it's important?



Uh, what's important

is that she's honoring
her own timetable,

and there's real power in that.

To which I say, madam...

[Clapping]

[Groans]

Sorry.

I've been spending a lot of time
at the Winebrary,

and it's having a real effect on me.

I'm very into female empowerment now,

and also I am drunk most of the time.

Wait, so you've been
skipping out on work?

As much as possible.
I just can't face it.

It's been so awkward
since I broke up with Tracy.

I have been doing a lot
of pretend phone calls.

♪♪

Gary? Gary, calm down!

I can help you land this plane,

but you gotta remain calm, okay?

Gary? Gary, lower your voice.

Gary, pull up!

- Gary!!
- [Cellphone rings]

I'm sorry, I just couldn't
watch you land another plane.

Are you almost done with the toaster?

Guys, I dated my boss.

Why did you let me do that?
This is on you.

Okay, while you were all spellbound

by his story about toast, I did a thing.

I opened the mail.

Turns out that they raised
your rent two months ago,

and between the late fees
and some other crap,

- you owe 8 grand.
- [Gasps]

Douglas, this is why
I said don't open it!

And not to be that guy,
but you also owe me 10 bucks

from the movies last week.

[Slurps]

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

[Cash register dings]

I can't believe this.

Like, what kind of landlord
just raises the rent?

A good one. I raise the rent
on the shed every year.

You're not seeing a dime over 5%.

Talk to us when our lease is over.

Oh, okay, look,
I'm gonna write you a check,

and I'm gonna fix this all up,
all right?

[Gasps] Oh, you think you can
just solve a woman's problem

- with your checkbook?
- Yes.

Why don't you swipe your credit card

on her ass while you're at it?

Will, you gotta hang out here less.

Douglas, I don't need your money.

- I'm gonna handle this on my own.
- Okay, option B...

and I'm sure this isn't
gonna be a crowd pleaser...

- cut your losses and close.
- Huh?

- Huh?!
- W-What?

It's the best business decision.

Douglas Robert Fogerty. Close?!

There is no way in hell

I would ever shut down the Winebrary!

I'm gonna figure this out.

Yeah, and I'm gonna help!

As long as it doesn't
involve going near KZOP,

seeing Tracy, or making toast.

That's a real trigger snack for me.

Oh, see, my trigger snack is popcorn.

It's just like, oh, so g...

Wait, don't distract me!
Come on, let's go, Will.

Watch the bar for me, okay?

W-W-W-Wait,

y-you're gonna leave me alone
with these people?

[Door closes]

"These people" are regulars.

Right, right. And what do
they call themselves?

The, uh... The Wine-o's?

Winebrarians. And we run this joint.

I've seen this on Animal Planet,

and I'm the antelope.

- Objection!
- [Gasps]

Judge, this is a mockery
of our judicial system.

In New York City...

You're not in New York City anymore!

- You're in Gavel Town.
- [Gavel bangs]

You're gonna be eatin' those words

with your grits for breakfast.

Your mom's office
is nothing like this show.

Yeah, this place is the pits.

Mom, we're bored.

Well, I'm bored every day of my life.

That's why they pay me the medium bucks.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh, my God.

Sorry. I forgot you worked here.

Yeah, people always tell me that.

Anyway, I can't stop
thinking about Poppy.

I wish we could help her.

I spent all my money
on my custom calendars.

"Miggy at Large: 2020."

This is just you
shirtless around the office.

Right? Plus I added three new months...

Monember, Julip, and February Two.

[Gasps] Oh, oh, oh!

Hey, maybe we can sell those
and make money for Poppy.

Miggy, no one wants to buy a
calendar in late February.

I mean, the year is basically half over.

- What?
- Hello, co-workers!

And co-lurkers.

My niece is selling Girl Scout Cookies,

- and I would love it if you...
- Tell her to go shake it

outside the grocery store
like everyone else.

Beat it, Kammy.

Bye, Kammy. See you later.

Oh, my God.

That's it!

[Tin thuds]

I have been buying crap

from my co-workers for years...

cookies, wrapping paper,

magazines because apparently
those still exist.

But I've never hit them up for any cash.

Today is the day... we are fundraising

[Slaps desk] for the Winebrary!

I don't know if people
are gonna give us money

for our friend's wine/bookstore.

But what about raising money

for our beloved co-worker Dolores

who's recovering from a hip injury?

Hold up, who's Dolores?

No one.

I just made her up.

Angie, you bad.

Ooh!

All right, plan time.

I just checked the forecast.

We got a Category Five
brainstorm coming!

Not now, Will,
I'm looking for something.

Ah-ha! I found it.

My engagement ring from Ron.

It's my backup plan.

I always told myself
if I got in a pinch, I could sell it,

and we're in pinch time, baby!

Okay, you know, there's
actually a little part of me

that thought you were gonna
propose to me right now,

and my immediate answer was not no.

I-I'm gonna blow by that.

This is worth a lot of money.

Ron was a bad husband,

but he could splurge on some jewelry.

- Mm.
- That and designer overalls.

So, we find a jewelry store,

and I help you jack up the price.

I've already got a character
locked and loaded

that is going to
guarantee you top dollar.

Fine. But just don't do
your Mrs. Doubtfire voice.

Honestly?

I might.

Don't.

I might.

[As Mrs. Doubtfire] Hello!

[Normal voice] Hello.

Beautiful, isn't it? And not small.

[Chuckling] I mean,
look at what that thing

did to my finger.

It's called finger droop. Whoop!

You want me to look,
or you want me to listen?

Oh, yeah, you do your thing. Sorry.

Um, excuse me.

I'm developing a headache

from the glare of that majestic piece.

- You're not selling it, are you?
- I am.

Mark Tiffany!

Yes, that Tiffany.

I was just doing my regular stroll

through the District...
that's what we call

the Diamond District in my family.

That must save you a great deal of time.

Mm.

May I?

Oh, it's spectacular.

99-scale capture,

deep-pressed water blessings...

The 4 and 12s are nearly jumping
off the crest-piece!

I-It's a wearable miracle!

I'll give you 200 bucks.

$200?!

- What?
- Yeah.

For the band that holds
that fake diamond.

What?! It's fake?

Ron told me he spent a fortune on this.

Well, uh, congratulations.

Sounds like you divorced the right guy.

♪♪

Hey, Gabe, sorry to bother you,

but we're collecting money for Dolores.

Dolores? Do I know Dolores?

Of course you know Dolores.

She drives a mid-size sedan,

loves Showtime.

She's got a real
middle-of-the-face kind of nose.

Anyway, we're... we're raising
money for her hip replacement.

Yeah, sure, uh... I got
something here for her.

[Money thuds]

She's actually getting
both hips replaced.

Yeah, she fell and broke one hip,

then got up, whoop! [Chuckles]

Fell and broke the other one.

Yeah.

Then she landed in the toilet,
got a staph infection.

It's tragic.

So tragic.

Thanks, Gabe!

Oh, by the way,
I hope they find your brother.

- [Scoffs]
- Thanks.

Yo, you were amazing.

Where did that story even come from?

I don't know!

It just flowed out of me.

Am I a master storyteller?

- Should I start hitting open mics?
- Yeah.

Ha! [Gasps]

Don't give us that look.

I know lying is wrong,

but it's for a good cause,
so that makes it okay.

Spare us the after-school special.

We're bored and want in.

GRAHAM: And we can help.

These dimples are just sitting here,

ready to make you money.

As tempting as it is
to use your pretty faces,

that would make me a bad mom...
that and the fact

that I count ranch dressing
as a vegetable.

Now, you two run along,

go get yourself a snack, okay?

Don't worry. That one's on Gabe.

♪♪

Rory, why did we get one salad

when we could've gotten
10 plastic-wrapped apples?

Because I really want to tell people

that I'm saving space for dinner.

- [Gasps] Oh, no! No!
- Ooh. Ooh.

I'm so sorry.

Uh... uh...

Here.

Here's $20. You guys get another.

- I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

Aw, man.

Graham, do you know what this means?

- 20 plastic-wrapped apples?
- No.

With that one salad,

we can bleed this office dry

and help Poppy save the Winebrary.

We'll bleed them

just like Deb Schwepps'
low-life ex-husband did

on "Gavel Town."

There's scams on "Gavel Town"?

There's everything on "Gavel Town."

I can't help but feel like
I'm not welcome here.

Pretty sure they hate you, Dad.

The one in the glasses is mine.

I wouldn't read into it.

As long as you pour them wine,
they won't hurt you.

All righty, ladies.

That'll be $9.50.

[Chuckles] Here you go.

What the hell is this?

A Bess Buck.

Keep the change.

[Clicks tongue, chuckles]

[Women chuckle]

I mean, really?

SOPHIE: It's basically an IOU.

Poppy lets the Winebrarians
use them to pay for drinks.

Here. It's all in the books.

What? Wait a minute.

No way, p-people are paying for drinks

with folded pieces of notebook paper?

Good God, Fran has a deal

where she doesn't have to pay for drinks

un... until a woman is president?

No, no.

This stops now.

There's a new sheriff in town.

Buckle up.

♪ I was told all that
glitters isn't gold ♪

Oh, no! My salad!

Aw!

♪ I'm gonna make that money ♪

- ♪ Whoo! Come on ♪
- ♪ Take that money ♪

♪ Laugh all the way
while I bank that money, yeah ♪

Hey there. Looks like your hips work.

You got money for someone
with two janky ones?

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Dollar, dollar, money
make the world go 'round ♪

Hey, helter skelter, back in the van.

♪ ...dollar bills, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Money make the world
go 'round and 'round ♪

But I'm so hungry!

♪ Them dollar bills ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- ♪ Dollar, dollar ♪

♪ Everybody says the best
things, you cannot buy ♪

♪ Well, you can keep it, then ♪

Anything for Dolores?

♪ So I'm gon' get that money ♪

Thank you.

♪ Laugh all the way
while I flip that money ♪

- [Laughs]
- ♪ Ooh ♪

You pee, you pay.

♪ Money make the world
go 'round and 'round ♪

♪ Them dollar bills, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

6,998, 6,999...

7,000!

There's 70 bucks here.

That's why I was counting in pennies.

- It's much more exciting.
- RORY: Did someone say,

"Ain't no scam like a Rory scam

'cause a Rory scam's got Graham"?

Oh, my God!

There must be, like,
50,000 pennies here!

ANGIE: I know I should be mad

and force you to return this,
but instead,

I'm gonna keep it.

'Cause it's just so flattering

when you see yourself in your child.

Oh! It is true!

You raised all this money for me?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Dolores!

Ohh, so that's where I got it from.

[Sighs]

Pack it up, Shakespeare.

AMY: Everyone here
is writing a screenplay.

Yeah, you're the one
it's gonna happen for.

Sure.

I think you guys
are missing the real point.

The Winebrary is all about vibe.

It's not supposed to feel
like an airport.

Well, maybe it should.
Airports make money.

Vibe don't keep the lights on.

Dude, the regulars are leaving!

That's okay. Let them.

Sometimes you gotta prune
the vine to get to the harvest.

Look, if you want to make money

and turn them into paying customers,

then I know what to do.

But you're not gonna like it.

Does it involve Enya?

No. It's listening. Just try it.

[Sighs]

Ladies, why don't you join me
for a glass of...

Girls Just Wine-a Have Fun?

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, my God.

On the house.

- That would be nice.
- Okay.

- Maybe.
- Okay. All right.

I can't believe that my
backup plan was a fake ring.

Actually, I can.

I mean, I married Ron, for God's sakes.

Then I started a business
that's now underwater,

and I can't even open mail
that scares me.

Plus, you're wearing two very
similar, but different shoes.

Oh, get it together, Banks!

See? I'm a mess.

I'm not a badass businesswoman...

I'm a big dummy who makes bad decisions!

I hate seeing you so down on yourself.

It's just, I've been at this
rock-bottom place before.

I remember feeling this lost
the day I decided to leave Ron.

It was every woman's worst nightmare.

You caught him cheating?

No, he bought an alpaca

with the last of our savings.

Aww. Alpacas are cute.

- Will...
- Sorry.

Something inside me just snapped.

You know what?

No.

- [Alpaca bleats]
- No.

No, Ron.

It was the weirdest feeling.

I'm driving around,
and Rory's in the back,

nowhere to go, no one to talk to,

no idea what I was
gonna do with my life,

and that's when I saw it.

Ah, the Winebrary.

- Okay, stop skipping ahead!
- Sorry again.

♪♪

♪♪

MAN: You like it?

[Exhales sharply]

I love it.

How much?

50 bucks.

$50?

That's insane.

Look, Team Poppy all day,

but maybe your landlord
should raise your rent.

Oh, no, no, no.

So, that guy was just a squatter

who thought I was propositioning him.

I met the real landlord
a few days later.

Poppy, do you hear yourself?

You took a dark moment

and turned your whole life around!

You're right. I don't wallow...

I face my fears head-on.

I don't need a stupid ring
to be my backup plan.

My backup plan is me.

I want to say "Yaaaas queen"
so bad. It's right there.

I appreciate the restraint,

but I thank you for being
with me today, Will.

Bring it in. Ohh.

And you know what?

You've inspired me.

I want to try to be friends with Tracy.

I think of all you've gone through

with Ron and your business

and your current shoe situation...

Dude, your shoes have wheels on them.

True.

But if you can get through all of that,

then I can get through some
awkward moments with my ex.

All right!

Take me to KZOP.

I'm ready to make some toast.

I am so proud of you.

Launch me.

So, after my drinking got the
best of me, my husband left me.

I needed a place to go,

- and this place became my home.
- Wow.

So, you picked a bar.

Okay, there's no judgment.
Just listening.

Poppy was really there for me.

She was my shoulder to cry on.
She was my therapist.

She was my maid of honor

when I married myself
down at the courthouse.

I don't think I would be alive today

- if it were not for her.
- Mm.

Well, you know, I-I-I'm just
trying to fix things for Poppy.

You know, I always assumed

that this place
was just paper and grapes,

but I can see that it's so much more.

Fixing is his love language.

- Ohh.
- Ah.

- [Chuckles]
- My what now?

Oh, it's how you show people you care.

- Right?
- [Women chuckle]

But, you know, since we're on the topic,

maybe you can get your love languages

to help you pay your Winebrary bills

so Poppy can pay hers.

Eh.

- [Stammers]
- [Groans]

- [Whispering indistinctly]
- DOUGLAS: What are they doing?

Are they gonna turn into
one giant Winebrarian?

No, this is good.

They're considering it.

This is how they decided

to let Miggy join their full
moon drum circle last month.

How often are you here, Sophie?

A lot.

My dad had a girlfriend last year,

so really lost track of me.

Man, I can't believe someone
named Dolores works here

and she needed two new hips.

Yeah. I guess that's why
that lie came out so smooth.

I'm not a master storyteller.

I'm just a really bad person.

This sucks.

We stole that money fair and square.

She just took it.

Honestly, I think she's faking.

You know, episode 109 of "Gavel Town,"

"Innocent Until Proven Filthy."

- So basically, the...
- Rory, not right now, okay?

We are in crisis mode!

Hey, my calendars!

KAMMY: Oh, my God.

He's covering his junk
with my work cardigan.

I love it!

He's bench-pressing my chair!

In June!

- That's... That's my birth month!
- I know.

KAMMY: This calendar is about all of us.

I gotta have one. How much?

- 20 bucks a pop?
- Sold.

Yeah, I-I can do that.

- I can do that.
- Yeah.

Miggy, we can charge double
if they're signed.

- Oh.
- Start signing.

Show these kids how to
forge your signature.

Okay, okay.

[Laughs]

- Hey!
- POPPY: Douglas.

What a day.

Oh, you're so peppy.

So, you must have gotten the rent?

Nope. [Sighs]
In fact, I lost money today.

Got a parking ticket downtown.

That curb was a big girl.
She was red as hell.

So, why are you happy?

Because I remembered I'm resilient.

I mean, I'll figure out a way

to pay for this place.

Maybe, you know,
get a small business loan,

or start serving cheese.

Wine and cheese is a thing, right?

Listen to me.

There is no way that
you're losing this business...

not if I have anything to say about it.

That's right. I'm a convert.

- I love it here.
- Say what now?

I don't know, maybe it's a combination

of knowledge and alcohol because I...

All right, no. You know what?

I'm not gonna mansplain
your business to you.

You know why it's great.

Oh, my God. I am very
turned on right now.

Oh?

And also a little concerned.

Did you vape with Fran
in the alley? Fran!

I only vape in the restroom now!

Poppy, you have built this
business from the ground up.

And also there's an army of people

who will fight to make sure
that you can keep it going.

Now, I have been drinking Chardonnay

for the past six hours,

- and I need to lie down.
- [Door opens]

- [Laughing] Okay.
- MIGGY: Stop!

Don't lock it down!

Miggy, there's no bulldozer.
It's just a rent increase.

I know. I tried to explain it,

but he just really wanted
to see a bulldozer today.

Poppy, we come bearing gifts.

We are proud to present to you
this gift of...

Oh, my God, you talk slow.

Here you go, Mom.

Money?

Oh, my gosh, you guys!

How did you...

Thank you.

Yeah, as much
as I'd like to take credit,

this one was all Miggy.

FRAN: Guys, this calendar is making me

reconsider my stance
on heterosexual sex.

And office work.

[Sighs, laughs]

Check this mess...

we are going to start
paying for our drinks now.

- With usable cash?
- Mm-hmm.

Like, money?

Real money.

This means so much to me.

Thank you, guys.

I really appreciate it.

We got your back, Poppy!

No one yells the thing
we're all thinking like Miggy.

- Damn right!
- We love you.

- We love you, Poppy!
- We love you.

[Indistinct chatter]

And, you know, not to be that guy,

but Rory spilled my salad earlier.

It was $15.95.

You ruined it.

[As Mrs. Doubtfire] Hello!

[Normal voice] Damn it.
I thought I was ready.

- "Hi, Tracy," is what I meant to say.
- Hi, Will.

That was a really good Mrs. Doubtfire.

Oh, I know.

Hey, would you like to get
coffee with me sometime?

Just as friends?

Are you sure you're not too busy

trying to land Gary's plane?

Can I be honest with you?

- Gary does not exist.
- [Gasps] What?

- Yeah. [Chuckles]
- I am shook!

- I'm so sorry I've been so weird.
- Ahh.

I-I just... I've never
worked with an ex before.

Me neither! I can't believe
I dated a co-worker.

- Mm-hmm.
- Why didn't my friends stop me?

That is exactly what I've been saying.

There's too much interaction,

especially when we're both
obsessed with toast.

Right? Hey, are you thrown off
by the fact that the new toaster

goes all the way to 10,
so now 5 is medium-brown

as opposed to the most brown?

It has ruined my life!

[Chuckles]

Hey, you guys hear?

Will and Tracy broke up.

I'm Guy McCormick, and that's the news.

[As Mrs. Doubtfire] Oh, dear.