Single Drunk Female (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Shamrocks and Shenanigans - full transcript
(indistinct chatter)
(indistinct announcement
over P. A.)
Hey.
Clock out for your break.
And when you're back
I need you to cover for Doris.
She called in sick, but
you know what that means today.
I don't.
What does that mean today?
MAN (over P. A.): Shoppers, stock up
on all things green.
Visit our bakery department
and pick up your
St. Paddy's Day treats.
(indistinct chatter continuing)
Oh, no.
Yep.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Or, as I like to call it,
The Purge for Sober People.
♪ Don't back down,
I don't run for cover ♪
♪ And the crowd goes... ♪
[♪ ♪]
Wait, wait, wait, my baby,
let me help you carry that.
Baby, the doctor said
not to lift anything.
My baby, I think
she meant, like,
not to lift anything
after implantation, but
- I can... Yeah.
‐ Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense.
Why don't you put the snacks
in the front seat, honey?
Okay. I can do that.
‐ Ow!
‐ What?
Oh, my gosh, it's so heavy.
I don't think
I can have a baby now.
‐ Hilarious.
‐ I know. I'm so funny.
(phone rings)
Hey.
Sam, how you holding up?
It's like being the only
Jewish kid in town on Christmas.
Which I was. But I didn't
like that either, so...
Yeah. Today's gonna be tough.
You don't have to thrive it,
you just have to survive it.
‐ Where are you guys?
‐ Oh, we're packing up the car.
We are going down the Cape
with, uh,
Vinnie, Allegra, Molly, Brenda.
Sort of our last hurrah
before we have a baby.
Wow. Sounds like a rager.
‐ Blast some "Closer to Fine" for me, okay?
‐ That's a good idea.
Babe, can you
get the playlist ready?
‐ Yeah, I have it. Yeah... No, it's ready.
‐ Cue it up.
Wait, are you alone?
Seriously?
Isolating on a day like today
is not a good idea.
If you... Yeah, Stephanie's
saying if you want to
‐ come with us you can.
‐ No.
No, no, no, come on.
Seriously, I've got, like,
plenty of options.
You know, I don't want to ruin
your weekend. It's all good.
Okay, well, if you need
a meeting go to Club 24/7‐‐
they're having meetings all day.
Just stay off of Instagram.
I'm gonna send you
this great meditation app.
And if, you know,
you feel lonely
or any feelings come up, just
give me a call.
Door's always open.
‐ No, no, no. The door's closed.
‐ Stephanie's saying that
‐ the door's also always open.
‐ The... Oh, my...
Okay, I love you. Hang in there.
Love you, too.
Okay, b... bye. Bye.
Ow!
Why?
I still have five minutes.
You're not wearing green.
Also, I need you
to mop up that puddle
of festive‐looking vomit.
[♪ ♪]
You bet. I'm gonna have,
like, three green beers
the second we get off.
I hear one more time about
the green beer,
I'm gonna scream.
Sammy.
What are you doing here?
SAMANTHA:
Yeah, I was just thinking, uh,
maybe, you know,
you and Zack could come over,
‐ we could make cookies or...
‐ Oh, yeah.
Today's got to be
a hard day for you, huh?
Yeah. No, I mean, it's fine.
I just feel like I owe the kid
after Roller Land
‐ and it could be fun, right?
‐ Aw, Sam.
Sammy, Sam, Sam, Sam.
I love you and your journey,
but today is the day
of my people.
‐ St. Pat's Day is like my Super Bowl.
‐ I know.
It's actually better
than the Super Bowl.
I don't have to watch
Maroon 5 shirtless.
‐ You know...
‐ Yeah, I get it.
What are you gonna do?
Um, well, Zack's with his dad
and I'm gonna go out
with Tina and her crew.
‐ Oh.
‐ Check it out, Sam.
I bought a new shirt.
Tina, stop showing off
your titty window to Sam.
She can't come out with us.
‐ Ay, really? That sucks.
‐ No, it's okay.
It's a great titty window.
I'm happy for you guys.
‐ Thank you.
‐ SAMANTHA: Yeah.
‐ She just got 'em done.
‐ Uh...
Hello. That was a secret.
Sorry, oh, I... You...
You let me touch them.
‐ I would have never known.
‐ Okay. Thank you.
MAN (over P. A.):
Shamrock cupcake special:
Two boxes for only $3.99.
Hey. I know you.
Hey. That's a lot of almonds.
‐ Looks like you're stocking up for
a very healthy end of days. ‐ Yeah.
Locked myself
out of my place, so
just waiting to hear back
from my idiot roommates.
They're very lucky
if that kale is all for them.
‐ Yeah. Right.
‐ MAN: Attention, shoppers.
‐ For your St. Paddy's Day cookout, we have
‐ (phone vibrates)
A special today
on sirloin strip.
No.
Shit.
‐ You okay?
‐ Um...
yeah.
It's just...
They're at a bar.
Um, I haven't been to a bar
in, like, a year. You know?
They always forget
that I'm sober.
Well, lucky for you,
my shift just ended, so...
let's go find some drunks.
Oh. Thank you.
Are they cute?
They better be cute.
I mean, yeah, if you're into
weirdos in sleeveless shirts.
MINDY:
Oh, okay, cool.
‐ (door closes)
‐ (sighs)
Sam!
Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit!
CAROL:
Isn't he cute?
SAMANTHA:
Mm‐hmm. Yeah.
So cute.
I am not technically Irish,
but some people say
that the Polish
are the Irish of the East.
‐ L'chaim.
‐ Bless you.
Cool. So, what are you guys
doing today?
You want to... you want
to binge watch something?
I'm sure there's, like, a new,
dry British crime drama out.
The husband did it.
Or the priest.
‐ Whatever.
‐ Are you asking us to hang out?
I'm not not asking you
to hang out.
Wow!
How surprising.
And very nice.
I like it.
Thank you.
Can we take a rain check?
BOB: Yes, we are actually
on our way out.
‐ Okay.
‐ CAROL: Bob got us tickets
to a traditional Irish band.
Yes. The Jolly Fifes.
They have one of the best
Dobro players in the world.
Padraig Byrne. He's, like,
top ten. He's awesome.
It seemed like a fun way
to celebrate the holiday.
Wow, Bob's really changing you.
What do you mean?
You're not a holiday person.
I have nothing against them.
Name one you like.
"Sucoat."
‐ Sukkot.
‐ The tent.
‐ It's really nice.
‐ Yeah.
It's a gorgeous, gorgeous tent.
Oh. I could do this all night,
but we got to go.
Uh, binge for us all.
So, uh, grab my purse.
Enjoy.
(door opens)
(door closes)
(sighs)
("Just Be Cool" by DijahSB
playing)
♪ Mad 'cause I be going hard
in the paint ♪
♪ You be acting like you
be that boy, but you ain't ♪
♪ I'm‐a be there full‐time,
I go hard ♪
♪ For the cake,
got a yard so long ♪
♪ I be dodging the snakes,
'cause they tell you ♪
♪ Work hard, but you hardly
on the grind ♪
♪ Trying to pay my mom's bills ♪
♪ Get Cardi on the line, yeah ♪
♪ I be working up the fires ♪
♪ Don't worry, you'll be fine ♪
♪ Just be cool,
stay right there ♪
♪ Don't you move,
I ain't trying to go home ♪
♪ It's too soon,
I'm trying to dance away ♪
♪ These blues,
yes, it's late, boy ♪
♪ Just be cool,
stay right there ♪
♪ Don't you move,
I ain't trying to go home ♪
♪ It's too soon,
I'm trying to dance away ♪
♪ These blues. ♪
[♪ ♪]
(oven timer dings)
(bells chiming softly)
SCOTTIE PIPPEN:
This is Scottie Pippen,
and I'm gonna teach you
how to meditate
like a champion.
If you're like me,
you need some you time
to relax your mind and body.
Listen to wild Tibetan bells.
Don't you feel
more chill already?
- No.
‐ (bells stop)
Mm‐mmm.
‐ (man whoops)
‐ You heard it here first.
The mac and cheese balls
at the Purple Shamrock
are to die for.
Hey!
Uh, Bonjour, bonjour, what's up.
It's your girl Angeline.
We are here at the spa.
Because look at
our beautiful friend.
No, not you
IG'ing this, girl. No.
It's my number‐one bitch,
Brittany.
She is getting married.
I am so happy.
Also, a little drunk.
(whoosh)
(screams)
This is very you, I think.
I mean, you can pull off
‐ almost anything.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Oh, for sure.
‐ Now, all we have to do
is make a decision before
all the bars reach capacity.
BRIT:
It's just, you know, I‐I don't
feel like this is exactly right.
ANGELINE: Oh my God, do you
remember the funnel cake
with all the, like, beautiful
whipped cream design‐‐
it was, like, all
floofy and stuff?
Girl, you look like that.
‐ DANIELLE: That was the best
‐ For sure, yeah.
Funnel cake I have ever had.
‐ You should get it for the funnel cake.
‐ Ever. For real.
Okay.
I mean, it's your wedding,
so if you want to look at more,
I will show you more dresses.
‐ Thank you.
‐ But I do this all day long,
and sometimes you just know.
It's just, I mean...
do you guys actually like this?
‐ Yeah.
‐ You‐you look beautiful.
DANIELLE:
Yes. I may be drunk,
but you know
that I got your back.
You know?
I mean, I'm loving this...
beaded, tulle, slutty thing.
‐ It is a little slutty. Just
‐ Slutty?
‐ a little slutty.
‐ I don't think slutty's the vibe.
‐ Is it too slutty?
‐ That's...
‐ ANGELINE: No!
‐ No. There's literally
no such thing
as too slutty at a wedding.
‐ DANIELLE: Agreed.
‐ Okay? Because it's all virgin,
but also a virgin who
kinda knows what she's doing.
‐ Okay?
‐ ANGELINE: Okay.
‐ I see you.
‐ Okay? Yeah, let's get you checked out,
get me blacked out
at Molly Malone's, right?
ANGELINE:
Okay, Kate.
Okay, Kate.
ANGELINE: What do you think
about this one?
DANIELLE: Oh, you can see right
through that.
‐ Don't you think?
‐ ANGELINE: Yeah.
‐ (chuckles)
‐ DANIELLE: God, I could wear this.
‐ What if I wore this to Molly Malone's?
‐ ANGELINE: Girl.
[♪ ♪]
(phone vibrates)
‐ ♪ I get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
‐ (indistinct chatter)
♪ You're never gonna
keep me down... ♪
‐ Do you play video games?
‐ Uh, yes.
I'm a man in his twenties,
so by law I have to.
‐ You?
‐ Of course.
You don't really strike me
as much of a gamer. I'm sorry.
I mean, thank you, but
I literally realized I was trans
when I was eight
and Pokémon asked me
if I was a boy or a girl,
so I might be a bit of a gamer.
Do you want to know my dorkiest
secret to staying sober?
JAMES:
Please.
Treat every day like a quest
in a video game.
I check off my goals,
give myself points,
and if I end the day without
giving in to the temptations
of the evil wizard Drinko,
I get a reward.
Got to work on "Drinko."
But I get it.
It's kind of like
what I do, but fun.
I started doing it when
I was first transitioning
so I could get through the day
without everything
feeling so heavy.
When I got sober,
the skills transferred over.
Tequila shot?
Uh, uh, Sword of Sobriety.
R‐Right? Yeah?
Is that...
‐ that okay?
‐ That's perfect.
‐ That was for her, don't worry.
‐ Okay.
Brring, brring, brring!
Points.
‐ (laughs) I saw‐I saw...
‐ Oh, my God, Samantha.
Hey, Angeline. I saw you guys
on Instagram. How are you?
So weird.
I thought I blocked you.
What are you doing here?
‐ I'm here to help Brit with...
‐ ANGELINE: Brittany?
BRIT:
Yeah?
BRIT: I‐I texted her.
I know Haitian Creole,
by the way.
Only the swear words.
It's fine. Hi.
‐ Hi.
‐ Uh... I thought...
I didn't know if you would come.
I‐I just...
Look, I know it's weird,
but I just...
‐ I really need your help.
‐ Totally.
No, I came as fast as I could,
considering I can't drive
and I'm banned
from all rideshares, so...
Oh! Who's this new person
with an opinion
we can only hope aligns
with the general consensus?
‐ No, it's okay. She's my...
‐ Oh, friend... ish.
‐ Kind of former...
‐ Yeah.
‐ It's a whole thing, 'cause,
like, she used to date... ‐ I don't...
Aah! So good.
Um, listen,
I'm gonna give you
the lay of the land.
We've tried on
a lot of amazing dresses
‐ and we all love this one.
‐ BRIT: Oh.
Sor... I thought that
you liked the boat neck one.
I love the boat neck one on you.
Oh, my God, I...
just so many great options,
just so little time.
Do you have another bride
coming in, or...
‐ No, she's been the focus for just
hours and hours. ‐ SAMANTHA: Yeah.
Kind of seems like there's...
there's no one else
‐ in the store. I don't know who else
‐ KATE: Right?
‐ you would need to be helping.
‐ Right? 'Cause it's been
‐ such a long day already.
‐ Right. You know, I'm gonna
‐ pick out some more dresses and I think...
‐ KATE: Okay.
I think we'll have some fun.
‐ Okay, I know we will.
‐ Yeah, okay.
Speaking of time,
I just want to remind you
that once you finally
order the dress,
it will be another ten weeks,
plus three for alterations.
Also, it is St. Patrick's Day,
and, ugh,
it's more fun, you know,
like, not in a store.
‐ Aah! Okay? Okay, great.
‐ Okay.
‐ You look so good.
‐ Thank you.
Right, okay.
‐ You got it.
‐ BRIT: Mm‐hmm.
‐ Got this, girl. Go team.
‐ Right. Mm.
You all are gonna
shit yourselves.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, no, I...
‐ WOMEN: Oh!
‐ KATE: This is the one.
‐ Aw.
‐ Oh, wow.
‐ This is the one.
‐ BRIT: Honestly,
it's the first dress that hasn't
made me want to burst into tears
when I look in the mirror,
so... that's something?
No, no, no,
the bar has to be higher than
"this dress didn't
make me want to cry", okay?
Besides, the whole
fairy‐tale wedding thing
is a bunch of patriarchal
bullshit and a total cash grab.
‐ I need you to shut up.
‐ SAMANTHA (chuckles): Okay.
I need you to hold this.
I've literally tried on
every other dress in the store.
I know, but Brit, maybe
you're not a dress person, okay?
Hey, remember that time
you wore the pantsuit
to the Christmas party?
You looked like
a tiny little Michelle Obama.
You're Brit Monclair, you know?
You got a full ride to Harvard,
you pull Tonka trucks
out of peoples' buttholes.
You can wear whatever the hell
you want to your wedding.
It doesn't matter.
Thank you for saying that.
You know, Tonka trucks are only
ten percent of my job.
KATE:
Okay, so, you know what,
I am just gonna go
change into my going‐out dress.
Basically Spanx with an open
flap in my undercarriage.
But you know what,
if you need anything at all,
just call out
for Kate Flanagan.
That's my last name: Flanagan.
I'm literally Irish.
This was a hate crime,
‐ what you did today.
‐ SAMANTHA: Okay. All right, Kate.
You know what,
get out of my store.
‐ Oh, got it. (Laughs)
‐ Yeah.
‐ (whoops)
‐ We're in.
Oh, I didn't kiss the mezuzah.
Oh.
It's all right.
‐ It's okay. All right.
‐ It's St. Patrick's Day.
St. Patrick's Day, yes.
Tomorrow for the mezuzah.
Oh. Methinks milady
‐ likes a good Irish jig.
‐ Oh!
I love Irish jigs.
My feet hurt.
Come here, come here, come here,
come here, come here, come here.
Mm...
Are we, uh...
Are we alone?
Samantha!
I guess she went out.
Oh. Or she's deaf. Mm.
Um, should we, uh...
go to your boudoir?
Oh.
Oh.
(grunts)
I have something to tell you.
Okay.
It's been a while for me.
Uh... two and a half years.
To be exact. (Chuckles)
(short chuckle)
‐ I know. I know, I know.
‐ God...
It's okay. I've...
never even done it before.
Okay, what‐what...
what can I do
to make you feel comfortable?
Make me 30 years younger.
Why would I do that?
I want to make love to this you.
You take as much time
as you need.
And I will be right here.
Not going anywhere.
How about a foot rub?
‐ Oh, so now? All right, great.
‐ Yes, now.
‐ [♪ ♪]
‐ (indistinct chatter)
‐ (shouts)
‐ That's them.
James!
What's up?
‐ Can I get the keys?
‐ Who's this?
‐ This is Mindy. Uh, she's my...
‐ Fiancée.
We're engaged.
Wow, James. You played this one
close to the vest.
Right, and we have a hot date
to, uh, put away groceries,
‐ so can I get the keys, please?
‐ Oh. Oh, yeah.
The keys... Ooh!
Bro, you are only getting
these keys if you play us.
Beer pong.
Winner gets the keys.
JAMES:
Oh, come on, man.
Don't worry.
I got you.
‐ BLAKE: Dude, you know he's sober.
‐ But he's here.
Maybe he, like,
changed his mind?
If they make one,
what are we gonna do?
Pour it out on the ground.
This place is a shithole.
Come on.
This is the final boss battle.
[♪ ♪]
(cheering)
‐ HENRY: No keys.
‐ BLAKE: No keys.
‐ No keys. No keys.
‐ No keys. No keys.
‐ No keys.
‐ No keys.
You did it!
‐ Did y'all see that?
‐ Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
(cheering)
Thanks.
‐ You guys are gonna go
straight home, right? ‐ Yeah.
‐ No doubt. ‐ Okay.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Bye, babe.
‐ You're welcome. Bye.
DANIELLE:
Bye!
‐ Wow.
‐ Hi, sorry.
‐ Hi.
‐ Um...
I just wanted to know
which one you ended up with,
‐ Oh. ‐ 'cause they're all
so great and so beautiful.
‐ Well...
‐ I mean, truly spectacular options.
Mm. Yeah, you don't really
have to lie about it. It's okay.
I know they're all
really, really bad.
‐ Yeah, they're not great.
‐ Like 27 Dresses. Honestly.
Yeah.
Um, I just also wanted to say,
you know, if you ever need,
like, another set of eyes
or something,
uh, when you go to
another place, I'm around
‐ and I'm... I could‐I could come with you.
To the next spot ‐ Yeah, ex... Yeah, no...
‐ if you want. Like...
‐ Uh...
You know what, thanks,
I‐I, uh...
That's a really nice offer, Sam.
Thank you.
Bye.
‐ I'm around.
‐ No, I know. Thank you.
No, of course. And, uh,
have a‐have a good day,
and I... and I'll see you
another time, and if I don't,
that's totally fine, too,
but, I‐in the meantime,
you know, stay well
and take care of you.
Yeah. I...
What?
Can I have a small
black coffee, please.
‐ Thanks.
‐ MINDY: I recognize that person.
‐ Hmm?
‐ MINDY: (whoops) Sammy Fink!
‐ JAMES: All alone on St.
Paddy's Day night, huh? ‐ Oh, hi.
‐ Hi. ‐ Didn't realize you two
were hangout friends. Nice.
Uh, we weren't.
Now we are.
‐ It's complicated.
‐ Okay.
He's the cishet wingman
of my dreams.
‐ (phone vibrates)
‐ Ah. Oh, hang on.
Dispatches from the trenches.
‐ (indistinct chatter)
‐ Sammy!
I'm so proud of you
and your sobriety.
‐ And we got a message for you.
‐ (whooping)
Sam.
Don't come in here.
‐ Don't do it. Don't‐don't do it.
‐Don't... don't do it. Shh.
‐ (whoops)
‐ I love you, Sammy. Um...
I'll see you in, like, two days
when I'm done being hungover.
Mwah! Have a good one.
Oh, they're about to start
the butt cheek race!
‐ TINA: Butt cheek!
‐ Oh, I got to go.
Um, I'm gonna do a toast.
Yeah, I'm a toast guy now.
Uh, to us.
There's barf flowing in the
streets and none of it is ours.
‐ Amen.
‐ Love that.
How was that?
Was that all right?
(indistinct announcement
over P. A.)
Hey.
Clock out for your break.
And when you're back
I need you to cover for Doris.
She called in sick, but
you know what that means today.
I don't.
What does that mean today?
MAN (over P. A.): Shoppers, stock up
on all things green.
Visit our bakery department
and pick up your
St. Paddy's Day treats.
(indistinct chatter continuing)
Oh, no.
Yep.
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Or, as I like to call it,
The Purge for Sober People.
♪ Don't back down,
I don't run for cover ♪
♪ And the crowd goes... ♪
[♪ ♪]
Wait, wait, wait, my baby,
let me help you carry that.
Baby, the doctor said
not to lift anything.
My baby, I think
she meant, like,
not to lift anything
after implantation, but
- I can... Yeah.
‐ Oh, right. Yeah, that makes sense.
Why don't you put the snacks
in the front seat, honey?
Okay. I can do that.
‐ Ow!
‐ What?
Oh, my gosh, it's so heavy.
I don't think
I can have a baby now.
‐ Hilarious.
‐ I know. I'm so funny.
(phone rings)
Hey.
Sam, how you holding up?
It's like being the only
Jewish kid in town on Christmas.
Which I was. But I didn't
like that either, so...
Yeah. Today's gonna be tough.
You don't have to thrive it,
you just have to survive it.
‐ Where are you guys?
‐ Oh, we're packing up the car.
We are going down the Cape
with, uh,
Vinnie, Allegra, Molly, Brenda.
Sort of our last hurrah
before we have a baby.
Wow. Sounds like a rager.
‐ Blast some "Closer to Fine" for me, okay?
‐ That's a good idea.
Babe, can you
get the playlist ready?
‐ Yeah, I have it. Yeah... No, it's ready.
‐ Cue it up.
Wait, are you alone?
Seriously?
Isolating on a day like today
is not a good idea.
If you... Yeah, Stephanie's
saying if you want to
‐ come with us you can.
‐ No.
No, no, no, come on.
Seriously, I've got, like,
plenty of options.
You know, I don't want to ruin
your weekend. It's all good.
Okay, well, if you need
a meeting go to Club 24/7‐‐
they're having meetings all day.
Just stay off of Instagram.
I'm gonna send you
this great meditation app.
And if, you know,
you feel lonely
or any feelings come up, just
give me a call.
Door's always open.
‐ No, no, no. The door's closed.
‐ Stephanie's saying that
‐ the door's also always open.
‐ The... Oh, my...
Okay, I love you. Hang in there.
Love you, too.
Okay, b... bye. Bye.
Ow!
Why?
I still have five minutes.
You're not wearing green.
Also, I need you
to mop up that puddle
of festive‐looking vomit.
[♪ ♪]
You bet. I'm gonna have,
like, three green beers
the second we get off.
I hear one more time about
the green beer,
I'm gonna scream.
Sammy.
What are you doing here?
SAMANTHA:
Yeah, I was just thinking, uh,
maybe, you know,
you and Zack could come over,
‐ we could make cookies or...
‐ Oh, yeah.
Today's got to be
a hard day for you, huh?
Yeah. No, I mean, it's fine.
I just feel like I owe the kid
after Roller Land
‐ and it could be fun, right?
‐ Aw, Sam.
Sammy, Sam, Sam, Sam.
I love you and your journey,
but today is the day
of my people.
‐ St. Pat's Day is like my Super Bowl.
‐ I know.
It's actually better
than the Super Bowl.
I don't have to watch
Maroon 5 shirtless.
‐ You know...
‐ Yeah, I get it.
What are you gonna do?
Um, well, Zack's with his dad
and I'm gonna go out
with Tina and her crew.
‐ Oh.
‐ Check it out, Sam.
I bought a new shirt.
Tina, stop showing off
your titty window to Sam.
She can't come out with us.
‐ Ay, really? That sucks.
‐ No, it's okay.
It's a great titty window.
I'm happy for you guys.
‐ Thank you.
‐ SAMANTHA: Yeah.
‐ She just got 'em done.
‐ Uh...
Hello. That was a secret.
Sorry, oh, I... You...
You let me touch them.
‐ I would have never known.
‐ Okay. Thank you.
MAN (over P. A.):
Shamrock cupcake special:
Two boxes for only $3.99.
Hey. I know you.
Hey. That's a lot of almonds.
‐ Looks like you're stocking up for
a very healthy end of days. ‐ Yeah.
Locked myself
out of my place, so
just waiting to hear back
from my idiot roommates.
They're very lucky
if that kale is all for them.
‐ Yeah. Right.
‐ MAN: Attention, shoppers.
‐ For your St. Paddy's Day cookout, we have
‐ (phone vibrates)
A special today
on sirloin strip.
No.
Shit.
‐ You okay?
‐ Um...
yeah.
It's just...
They're at a bar.
Um, I haven't been to a bar
in, like, a year. You know?
They always forget
that I'm sober.
Well, lucky for you,
my shift just ended, so...
let's go find some drunks.
Oh. Thank you.
Are they cute?
They better be cute.
I mean, yeah, if you're into
weirdos in sleeveless shirts.
MINDY:
Oh, okay, cool.
‐ (door closes)
‐ (sighs)
Sam!
Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit!
CAROL:
Isn't he cute?
SAMANTHA:
Mm‐hmm. Yeah.
So cute.
I am not technically Irish,
but some people say
that the Polish
are the Irish of the East.
‐ L'chaim.
‐ Bless you.
Cool. So, what are you guys
doing today?
You want to... you want
to binge watch something?
I'm sure there's, like, a new,
dry British crime drama out.
The husband did it.
Or the priest.
‐ Whatever.
‐ Are you asking us to hang out?
I'm not not asking you
to hang out.
Wow!
How surprising.
And very nice.
I like it.
Thank you.
Can we take a rain check?
BOB: Yes, we are actually
on our way out.
‐ Okay.
‐ CAROL: Bob got us tickets
to a traditional Irish band.
Yes. The Jolly Fifes.
They have one of the best
Dobro players in the world.
Padraig Byrne. He's, like,
top ten. He's awesome.
It seemed like a fun way
to celebrate the holiday.
Wow, Bob's really changing you.
What do you mean?
You're not a holiday person.
I have nothing against them.
Name one you like.
"Sucoat."
‐ Sukkot.
‐ The tent.
‐ It's really nice.
‐ Yeah.
It's a gorgeous, gorgeous tent.
Oh. I could do this all night,
but we got to go.
Uh, binge for us all.
So, uh, grab my purse.
Enjoy.
(door opens)
(door closes)
(sighs)
("Just Be Cool" by DijahSB
playing)
♪ Mad 'cause I be going hard
in the paint ♪
♪ You be acting like you
be that boy, but you ain't ♪
♪ I'm‐a be there full‐time,
I go hard ♪
♪ For the cake,
got a yard so long ♪
♪ I be dodging the snakes,
'cause they tell you ♪
♪ Work hard, but you hardly
on the grind ♪
♪ Trying to pay my mom's bills ♪
♪ Get Cardi on the line, yeah ♪
♪ I be working up the fires ♪
♪ Don't worry, you'll be fine ♪
♪ Just be cool,
stay right there ♪
♪ Don't you move,
I ain't trying to go home ♪
♪ It's too soon,
I'm trying to dance away ♪
♪ These blues,
yes, it's late, boy ♪
♪ Just be cool,
stay right there ♪
♪ Don't you move,
I ain't trying to go home ♪
♪ It's too soon,
I'm trying to dance away ♪
♪ These blues. ♪
[♪ ♪]
(oven timer dings)
(bells chiming softly)
SCOTTIE PIPPEN:
This is Scottie Pippen,
and I'm gonna teach you
how to meditate
like a champion.
If you're like me,
you need some you time
to relax your mind and body.
Listen to wild Tibetan bells.
Don't you feel
more chill already?
- No.
‐ (bells stop)
Mm‐mmm.
‐ (man whoops)
‐ You heard it here first.
The mac and cheese balls
at the Purple Shamrock
are to die for.
Hey!
Uh, Bonjour, bonjour, what's up.
It's your girl Angeline.
We are here at the spa.
Because look at
our beautiful friend.
No, not you
IG'ing this, girl. No.
It's my number‐one bitch,
Brittany.
She is getting married.
I am so happy.
Also, a little drunk.
(whoosh)
(screams)
This is very you, I think.
I mean, you can pull off
‐ almost anything.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Oh, for sure.
‐ Now, all we have to do
is make a decision before
all the bars reach capacity.
BRIT:
It's just, you know, I‐I don't
feel like this is exactly right.
ANGELINE: Oh my God, do you
remember the funnel cake
with all the, like, beautiful
whipped cream design‐‐
it was, like, all
floofy and stuff?
Girl, you look like that.
‐ DANIELLE: That was the best
‐ For sure, yeah.
Funnel cake I have ever had.
‐ You should get it for the funnel cake.
‐ Ever. For real.
Okay.
I mean, it's your wedding,
so if you want to look at more,
I will show you more dresses.
‐ Thank you.
‐ But I do this all day long,
and sometimes you just know.
It's just, I mean...
do you guys actually like this?
‐ Yeah.
‐ You‐you look beautiful.
DANIELLE:
Yes. I may be drunk,
but you know
that I got your back.
You know?
I mean, I'm loving this...
beaded, tulle, slutty thing.
‐ It is a little slutty. Just
‐ Slutty?
‐ a little slutty.
‐ I don't think slutty's the vibe.
‐ Is it too slutty?
‐ That's...
‐ ANGELINE: No!
‐ No. There's literally
no such thing
as too slutty at a wedding.
‐ DANIELLE: Agreed.
‐ Okay? Because it's all virgin,
but also a virgin who
kinda knows what she's doing.
‐ Okay?
‐ ANGELINE: Okay.
‐ I see you.
‐ Okay? Yeah, let's get you checked out,
get me blacked out
at Molly Malone's, right?
ANGELINE:
Okay, Kate.
Okay, Kate.
ANGELINE: What do you think
about this one?
DANIELLE: Oh, you can see right
through that.
‐ Don't you think?
‐ ANGELINE: Yeah.
‐ (chuckles)
‐ DANIELLE: God, I could wear this.
‐ What if I wore this to Molly Malone's?
‐ ANGELINE: Girl.
[♪ ♪]
(phone vibrates)
‐ ♪ I get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
‐ (indistinct chatter)
♪ You're never gonna
keep me down... ♪
‐ Do you play video games?
‐ Uh, yes.
I'm a man in his twenties,
so by law I have to.
‐ You?
‐ Of course.
You don't really strike me
as much of a gamer. I'm sorry.
I mean, thank you, but
I literally realized I was trans
when I was eight
and Pokémon asked me
if I was a boy or a girl,
so I might be a bit of a gamer.
Do you want to know my dorkiest
secret to staying sober?
JAMES:
Please.
Treat every day like a quest
in a video game.
I check off my goals,
give myself points,
and if I end the day without
giving in to the temptations
of the evil wizard Drinko,
I get a reward.
Got to work on "Drinko."
But I get it.
It's kind of like
what I do, but fun.
I started doing it when
I was first transitioning
so I could get through the day
without everything
feeling so heavy.
When I got sober,
the skills transferred over.
Tequila shot?
Uh, uh, Sword of Sobriety.
R‐Right? Yeah?
Is that...
‐ that okay?
‐ That's perfect.
‐ That was for her, don't worry.
‐ Okay.
Brring, brring, brring!
Points.
‐ (laughs) I saw‐I saw...
‐ Oh, my God, Samantha.
Hey, Angeline. I saw you guys
on Instagram. How are you?
So weird.
I thought I blocked you.
What are you doing here?
‐ I'm here to help Brit with...
‐ ANGELINE: Brittany?
BRIT:
Yeah?
BRIT: I‐I texted her.
I know Haitian Creole,
by the way.
Only the swear words.
It's fine. Hi.
‐ Hi.
‐ Uh... I thought...
I didn't know if you would come.
I‐I just...
Look, I know it's weird,
but I just...
‐ I really need your help.
‐ Totally.
No, I came as fast as I could,
considering I can't drive
and I'm banned
from all rideshares, so...
Oh! Who's this new person
with an opinion
we can only hope aligns
with the general consensus?
‐ No, it's okay. She's my...
‐ Oh, friend... ish.
‐ Kind of former...
‐ Yeah.
‐ It's a whole thing, 'cause,
like, she used to date... ‐ I don't...
Aah! So good.
Um, listen,
I'm gonna give you
the lay of the land.
We've tried on
a lot of amazing dresses
‐ and we all love this one.
‐ BRIT: Oh.
Sor... I thought that
you liked the boat neck one.
I love the boat neck one on you.
Oh, my God, I...
just so many great options,
just so little time.
Do you have another bride
coming in, or...
‐ No, she's been the focus for just
hours and hours. ‐ SAMANTHA: Yeah.
Kind of seems like there's...
there's no one else
‐ in the store. I don't know who else
‐ KATE: Right?
‐ you would need to be helping.
‐ Right? 'Cause it's been
‐ such a long day already.
‐ Right. You know, I'm gonna
‐ pick out some more dresses and I think...
‐ KATE: Okay.
I think we'll have some fun.
‐ Okay, I know we will.
‐ Yeah, okay.
Speaking of time,
I just want to remind you
that once you finally
order the dress,
it will be another ten weeks,
plus three for alterations.
Also, it is St. Patrick's Day,
and, ugh,
it's more fun, you know,
like, not in a store.
‐ Aah! Okay? Okay, great.
‐ Okay.
‐ You look so good.
‐ Thank you.
Right, okay.
‐ You got it.
‐ BRIT: Mm‐hmm.
‐ Got this, girl. Go team.
‐ Right. Mm.
You all are gonna
shit yourselves.
‐ Yeah.
‐ Oh, no, I...
‐ WOMEN: Oh!
‐ KATE: This is the one.
‐ Aw.
‐ Oh, wow.
‐ This is the one.
‐ BRIT: Honestly,
it's the first dress that hasn't
made me want to burst into tears
when I look in the mirror,
so... that's something?
No, no, no,
the bar has to be higher than
"this dress didn't
make me want to cry", okay?
Besides, the whole
fairy‐tale wedding thing
is a bunch of patriarchal
bullshit and a total cash grab.
‐ I need you to shut up.
‐ SAMANTHA (chuckles): Okay.
I need you to hold this.
I've literally tried on
every other dress in the store.
I know, but Brit, maybe
you're not a dress person, okay?
Hey, remember that time
you wore the pantsuit
to the Christmas party?
You looked like
a tiny little Michelle Obama.
You're Brit Monclair, you know?
You got a full ride to Harvard,
you pull Tonka trucks
out of peoples' buttholes.
You can wear whatever the hell
you want to your wedding.
It doesn't matter.
Thank you for saying that.
You know, Tonka trucks are only
ten percent of my job.
KATE:
Okay, so, you know what,
I am just gonna go
change into my going‐out dress.
Basically Spanx with an open
flap in my undercarriage.
But you know what,
if you need anything at all,
just call out
for Kate Flanagan.
That's my last name: Flanagan.
I'm literally Irish.
This was a hate crime,
‐ what you did today.
‐ SAMANTHA: Okay. All right, Kate.
You know what,
get out of my store.
‐ Oh, got it. (Laughs)
‐ Yeah.
‐ (whoops)
‐ We're in.
Oh, I didn't kiss the mezuzah.
Oh.
It's all right.
‐ It's okay. All right.
‐ It's St. Patrick's Day.
St. Patrick's Day, yes.
Tomorrow for the mezuzah.
Oh. Methinks milady
‐ likes a good Irish jig.
‐ Oh!
I love Irish jigs.
My feet hurt.
Come here, come here, come here,
come here, come here, come here.
Mm...
Are we, uh...
Are we alone?
Samantha!
I guess she went out.
Oh. Or she's deaf. Mm.
Um, should we, uh...
go to your boudoir?
Oh.
Oh.
(grunts)
I have something to tell you.
Okay.
It's been a while for me.
Uh... two and a half years.
To be exact. (Chuckles)
(short chuckle)
‐ I know. I know, I know.
‐ God...
It's okay. I've...
never even done it before.
Okay, what‐what...
what can I do
to make you feel comfortable?
Make me 30 years younger.
Why would I do that?
I want to make love to this you.
You take as much time
as you need.
And I will be right here.
Not going anywhere.
How about a foot rub?
‐ Oh, so now? All right, great.
‐ Yes, now.
‐ [♪ ♪]
‐ (indistinct chatter)
‐ (shouts)
‐ That's them.
James!
What's up?
‐ Can I get the keys?
‐ Who's this?
‐ This is Mindy. Uh, she's my...
‐ Fiancée.
We're engaged.
Wow, James. You played this one
close to the vest.
Right, and we have a hot date
to, uh, put away groceries,
‐ so can I get the keys, please?
‐ Oh. Oh, yeah.
The keys... Ooh!
Bro, you are only getting
these keys if you play us.
Beer pong.
Winner gets the keys.
JAMES:
Oh, come on, man.
Don't worry.
I got you.
‐ BLAKE: Dude, you know he's sober.
‐ But he's here.
Maybe he, like,
changed his mind?
If they make one,
what are we gonna do?
Pour it out on the ground.
This place is a shithole.
Come on.
This is the final boss battle.
[♪ ♪]
(cheering)
‐ HENRY: No keys.
‐ BLAKE: No keys.
‐ No keys. No keys.
‐ No keys. No keys.
‐ No keys.
‐ No keys.
You did it!
‐ Did y'all see that?
‐ Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
(cheering)
Thanks.
‐ You guys are gonna go
straight home, right? ‐ Yeah.
‐ No doubt. ‐ Okay.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Thank you. ‐ Bye, babe.
‐ You're welcome. Bye.
DANIELLE:
Bye!
‐ Wow.
‐ Hi, sorry.
‐ Hi.
‐ Um...
I just wanted to know
which one you ended up with,
‐ Oh. ‐ 'cause they're all
so great and so beautiful.
‐ Well...
‐ I mean, truly spectacular options.
Mm. Yeah, you don't really
have to lie about it. It's okay.
I know they're all
really, really bad.
‐ Yeah, they're not great.
‐ Like 27 Dresses. Honestly.
Yeah.
Um, I just also wanted to say,
you know, if you ever need,
like, another set of eyes
or something,
uh, when you go to
another place, I'm around
‐ and I'm... I could‐I could come with you.
To the next spot ‐ Yeah, ex... Yeah, no...
‐ if you want. Like...
‐ Uh...
You know what, thanks,
I‐I, uh...
That's a really nice offer, Sam.
Thank you.
Bye.
‐ I'm around.
‐ No, I know. Thank you.
No, of course. And, uh,
have a‐have a good day,
and I... and I'll see you
another time, and if I don't,
that's totally fine, too,
but, I‐in the meantime,
you know, stay well
and take care of you.
Yeah. I...
What?
Can I have a small
black coffee, please.
‐ Thanks.
‐ MINDY: I recognize that person.
‐ Hmm?
‐ MINDY: (whoops) Sammy Fink!
‐ JAMES: All alone on St.
Paddy's Day night, huh? ‐ Oh, hi.
‐ Hi. ‐ Didn't realize you two
were hangout friends. Nice.
Uh, we weren't.
Now we are.
‐ It's complicated.
‐ Okay.
He's the cishet wingman
of my dreams.
‐ (phone vibrates)
‐ Ah. Oh, hang on.
Dispatches from the trenches.
‐ (indistinct chatter)
‐ Sammy!
I'm so proud of you
and your sobriety.
‐ And we got a message for you.
‐ (whooping)
Sam.
Don't come in here.
‐ Don't do it. Don't‐don't do it.
‐Don't... don't do it. Shh.
‐ (whoops)
‐ I love you, Sammy. Um...
I'll see you in, like, two days
when I'm done being hungover.
Mwah! Have a good one.
Oh, they're about to start
the butt cheek race!
‐ TINA: Butt cheek!
‐ Oh, I got to go.
Um, I'm gonna do a toast.
Yeah, I'm a toast guy now.
Uh, to us.
There's barf flowing in the
streets and none of it is ours.
‐ Amen.
‐ Love that.
How was that?
Was that all right?