Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Artificial Emotional Intelligence - full transcript
Richard decides to help out Laurie; Gavin struggles to bargain with a new partner.
I give you the product
that will carry Hooli
to complete market dominance.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
-MAN: (WHISPERS)
It looks like a penis.
-Yes... Yes, it does.
So, we're giving
a random company
a bunch of free
compute power in our network?
BERTRAM GILFOYLE:
The AI company?
I made her! I can do
anything I want with her!
Ugh. Gross.
Can you please tell me
what you are going to do
about this
Jian Yang situation?
Yes. Nothing.
"I went to China to do
new new internet. Jian Yang."
Richard:
This went up yesterday.
A fake Pied Piper.
This is Jian-Yang, not us.
Richard, he has a website.
Okay?
He doesn't
have a product.
Just post a cease
and desist
on your own website
and move on.
We need action.
I wanna move up our launch
so we can beat
this asshole to market.
We need money.
So, how quickly can we
get a series B together?
Richard, a series B
is not a done deal.
And Laurie's not gonna be
able to weigh in on this
until she's done sorting
things out over at Eklow.
Why is she still over there?
We put 112 million
of our dollars into a company
whose creepy CEO just fled
with its most valuable asset.
Ariel and that robot
could be anywhere.
Ariel fucked us too, remember?
I just had my whole company
on a three-day code sprint
to repair all the holes
and un-fuck all
the damage he did.
Besides,
Laurie doesn't work at Eklow.
She works here,
with you and me.
True,
but also not true.
Look, Laurie has
installed herself
as Eklow's interim CEO.
What?
Laurie, Ariel encrypted
all of his files.
We can't open
any of them.
Ah, understood.
Keep trying, please.
I spoke with the bank.
We're not gonna
make payroll.
Noted. Thank you
for your diligence.
People are pretty upset.
Somebody shattered
the toilet.
Ah, yes, well,
we'll certainly
have to get that
repaired, won't we?
Good work, you two.
Hang in there.
♪ ♪
Hey, Laurie.
I know you're "busy"
being a "CEO,"
but we have to have
a serious conversation about...
(Laurie retching)
Laurie: Richard?
Yes?
I have vomited
into my shirt.
(theme music playing)
Puking.
That's my move.
Thank you for...
finding me a...
a change of clothing.
Well, fortunately, you're
the same size as the robot.
Richard,
the position of CEO is...
taxing.
It isn't easy, is it?
I think perhaps I may have
treated you unfairly
in the past.
Oh..
(scoffs) Well...
I mean, a couple--
a couple-- yeah.
Sure. Thank you.
Thank you for
saying that, yeah.
Yes.
Well, I have work to do,
as do you, so.
(scoffs)
♪ ♪
(indistinct chattering)
You know, Laurie, I actually
may have a way to help you here.
Yao:
Things are changing
in China now, Gavin.
There are many reforms.
As you see,
we provide a series
of Tai Chi
and movement classes,
free for all employees,
as well as free
medical benefits.
Ah, our nutrition center.
In addition
to all the good food
we serve
in our main cafeteria.
Also free of charge.
This concludes our tour.
Any questions?
Just one.
What the fuck?
Sorry?
If I wanted to see
nap pods
and climbing walls,
I would've stayed home,
or gone to fucking Denmark.
All I wanna see
is people working
as hard as they possibly can.
That's why we come to China.
This is the new China.
We found that the more humane
work environment we have,
the more
sustainable over time.
Over time? No, no.
The Box Three has
a very limited window
of profitability.
I need you focused on making
as many of them as possible,
as fast as possible.
Gavin.
You know our shameful history
of worker suicides.
Since the renovation,
not a single one.
Gavin:
Not even one?
Okay.
But there's gotta be
like a middle ground here.
(woman speaks Chinese)
Ah, a happy surprise.
The children from our
daycare center have
prepared a traditional song
just for you.
(singing in Chinese)
That's wonderful.
Yao, I need you to give me
30% more output.
I don't care how you do it.
Just a thought,
those kids
don't look that busy.
(singing continues)
(typing)
Are you done with...
your chunk yet?
Almost done.
Because everyone else
is done.
Literally everyone.
(snoring)
47 engineers finished.
One not.
You.
Almost there.
I'm sure it'll be
worth the wait.
(slurps)
Mmm, no, that's way
too strong for him.
Hey, guys.
How's the code sprint going?
T-minus Dinesh.
Jared:
Richard, I am pleased to say
that your new assistant
is a quick study.
And per your text,
he posted a well-crafted
cease and desist
directed at Jian-Yang
on the Pied Piper website.
I made some judicious edits
to capture your voice,
but the thrust
of the piece was his.
I have a law degree, so.
Well done, Holden.
Is that tea for me?
It is, indeed.
Okay. Great.
No, no, no, no, don't.
It's too strong.
Okay.
Water it down.
So, did you speak to Laurie
about our series B?
Sort of.
Uh, Gilfoyle, is there
a secure way
of giving someone
access to our servers
while still limiting
and controlling
how much compute
they could use?
I could create
a credit system.
Wait, I'm sorry, Richard.
Who would these credits be for?
Laurie Bream.
She made herself
CEO of Eklow.
I'm just trying
to help her out.
Pardon?
Do you think you could
set those up by today?
More work. Fantastic.
Richard, I don't
quite understand...
Dinesh:
Done!
Done! I am done!
(Dinesh laughing)
Look at this!
Whoo!
Code sprint over.
(gong rings)
(applause)
(gong quiets)
Uh, congratulations, everybody.
Really, good-- good job.
Um, the only thing
left to do now is...
get back to work
and review all the code
for errors.
Okay, so...
(groaning)
Okay.
That was an
out-of-body experience.
It was like God
was coding through me.
Time stood still.
Not for the rest of us
it didn't.
Laugh it up, Gilf.
I hear you making
your little jokes
at my expense,
turning all the engineers
against me.
But the second
these results go up,
they're all going to see
the only thing that matters--
Who made less errors.
You mean who made
"fewer" errors?
Oh, you think
you're so clever.
You know who else
thought it was clever?
The hare.
Right before it was defeated
by the tortoise.
I'm the fucking tortoise,
Gilfoyle.
I'm the fucking tortoise!
Keep saying that.
I can't wait
for these results
to go up.
Guys? No, no, no.
We talked about this.
Remember?
You're both
senior management now.
Okay? Your code will be
subject to private review.
No. No, no, no,
not private.
Everyone has to know that
I'm better than Gilfoyle.
I'm sorry.
When it was just us,
a little cocksmanship
was a fun diversion.
But the entire
engineering team's morale
depends on seeing you both
as equally competent leaders.
Danny over there is going
to be reviewing your code,
and keeping the results
completely confidential.
Jared...
I believe we all know
who's the better coder anyway.
Um, Richard?
I'm sorry, I'm still having
a little bit of a hard time
understanding.
You went to see Laurie
to get money from her
but now you're giving
our resources to her.
Why would you do that?
Well, honestly Jared,
she was a mess.
And I really,
genuinely felt bad for her.
For Laurie?
Yup.
Richard, you have
an enormous heart.
And I don't mean in the same way
my deceased friend Gloria did,
which the doctors should
have really caught
because her knuckles
were gargantuan.
But do you think
in this instance,
you might have
allowed your emotions
to cloud your
business instincts?
Well, I would argue that I made
a very good business decision.
Because now,
Laurie is on our side.
Which will play out very nicely
when we negotiate our series B.
Okay, Richard,
it is important
to develop emotional
self-discipline
for situations like this.
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes you have
to numb yourself.
If you wanna work the corner,
you can't fall in love
every time you turn a trick.
That's why you do the oxy.
What I'm saying is
if you ever need
to develop strategies
to cultivate more
emotional self-control,
obviously I do have
some experience.
You do?
Doubtless you've noticed
that I've been pulling
away from you.
Uh, no-- no, I can't...
honestly say that I have.
Look at Holden out there.
You think I didn't
love making your tea?
Who wouldn't?
But, when you
anointed me COO,
I learned to stop investing
those feelings in you
for the good of the company.
Call it emotional abstinence.
Jared, look, um,
in regards to
the whole Laurie thing,
I actually think
I made the right call.
Alright.
Alright.
Well, I am available.
Not emotionally, obviously.
Got it.
(street noise)
Ooh, there's a highly rated
new dim sum establishment
in this neighborhood.
Sir, Richard Hendricks
just posted
a cease and desist letter.
"...unlawful copying
of Pied Piper's
proprietary software."
Are you fucking kidding me?
That idiot let someone
steal his code,
so now there might
be two companies
working to make
my box obsolete?
I'll try to find out
who's responsible.
Good luck.
HooliMaps says
dim sum is that way.
Right turn, please.
(tires screech)
(both yelling in Chinese)
Gavin:
Look! Pied Piper!
Follow that Chinese man.
The Chinese man
on the bicycle.
The Chinese man on the bicycle
in the green Pied Piper t-shirt.
Ah.
Gavin:
Hurry, hurry!
Come on! Don't lose him.
(clicking tongue)
Hey dude, how's it goin'?
How's that... review going?
Probably done, right?
'Cause it took you no time
counting up the bugs
in my stuff?
'Cause I crushed it so hard?
Compared to Gilfoyle?
Right?
I get it. I get it.
It's a secret.
Company morale.
I'm so on board.
I did crush him, right?
He did better than me?
Oh my God.
This is my worst
fucking nightmare.
But not by a lot, right?
He didn't like kick my ass?
He kicked my ass?
That fucker!
Just fucking tell me.
Just fucking tell me
how much he kicked my ass by.
Please just fucking tell me.
I'm not gonna beg.
I'm not gonna beg.
Please? Please?
Please? Please?
Please? Please?
Just please tell me, please.
Okay, fine!
You just have to swear
not to tell anyone, okay?
I swear I won't tell anyone.
Everyone, everyone.
I have a very important
announcement to make.
My code was better
than Gilfoyle's.
So it's official.
Gilfoyle is a much worse
coder than me.
I want you all
to look at him.
Good.
Terrible.
Role model.
Hateful pile of trash.
Bullshit.
Says who?
Danny told me.
He wasn't supposed to.
Supposed to be a secret
but he told me
and now everyone's
laughing at you.
(Dinesh laughing mockingly)
Everyone's laugh...
Danny.
What the fuck is going on?
Did his code actually have
less errors than mine?
I don't know
what to tell you.
I checked it three times.
And it's "fewer" errors.
Ooh!
This is the best day
of my life!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I feel bad for gloating.
In all seriousness,
that means a lot to me.
To show you
I'm a gracious winner,
I'll take you
to a nice restaurant.
Your favorite kind
of restaurant.
A "mis-steak" house!
Boom! Get it?
'Cause you suck.
(laughing)
(sighs)
(door closes)
(knocking)
Yes?
Ni hao.
Do you know who I am?
No.
Okay, okay.
Well, I'm the one
who accidentally
struck one of your employees
with my car earlier
and it's a personal
habit of mine
to make things right.
So...
Do you mind if I come in?
♪ ♪
Okay, what else?
Uh, Colin from
K-Hole Games called,
checking in on the restore.
Put him on
the phone sheet.
Next?
Uh, Laurie Bream said that
she received the compute credits
and to say thank you.
You see?
Business and compassion
are not mutually exclusive.
In fact, sometimes
going out of your way
to help a fellow colleague
can actually put you
further ahead in business.
Let that be a lesson to you,
young Holden.
I'm 30.
And, uh, the CEO of a company
called the Gigglybots called.
He wants to know how to
redeem the compute credits
he just bought
from Laurie Bream.
What?
Ariel was apprehended
this morning
shoplifting machine oil from
an auto parts store in Turlock.
There was, however,
no sign of Fiona.
And with her missing,
I have no need
for compute power
therefore no need
for your compute credits.
Selling them, I think
you'll certainly agree,
was merely a practical
business decision.
Okay, but, I gave you
those credits as a gift.
I was helping you.
You were vomiting, remember?
Ah, yes. Admittedly
a moment of weakness.
However, immediately
after your departure
I consumed two egg whites
and a green bean
and regained my composure.
Laurie, when someone
gives you a gift
and you don't want it,
you give it back.
Okay? You don't
just go sell that gift
to the next fucking
highest bidder--
Richard, mind your tone.
Your lack of emotional
discipline is troubling.
You need to work on this.
Or I may have serious doubts
about granting you
your series B.
(chatting in Chinese)
Gavin:
A lot of computers in here.
I dabble a bit
in tech myself.
All these people working here.
You must have something
coming to market soon.
No. We have trouble
with the government.
I've heard that.
I mean, to even
operate an online platform
inside the People's
Republic of China
you need a government-issued
ICP license, right?
I left a good life.
Free rent.
Great friends.
To fail in China?
We try to rewrite code,
but government still
won't give us license.
Maybe we'll quit.
Try something else.
Do you like octopus?
Gavin:
I do.
Is that what
you're working on?
That's a decentralized
network, huh?
Wait, what did you do there?
Looks like you removed
the data federation servers.
Yes. And added multicasting
and data projections.
Why? That wouldn't work.
It works. Works fine.
Jian-Yang:
Government still
does not like it.
Best of luck.
Thanks for the tour.
Ah, Gavin.
Dim sum closes in 40 minutes.
Holy shit!
Holy fucking shit!
That brilliant
little idiot.
He found a way
around the patent.
Sir?
It's Hendricks' Internet,
but it's not
Hendricks' Internet.
I want to share
in your excitement, sir,
but I really don't follow.
That guy in there,
he took Hendricks' software
and changed it.
So much so that
it shouldn't work.
But it does.
He showed me the demo.
And here's the thing,
it's different enough
that Hendricks' patent
won't cover it.
Are you sure?
Of course
I'm fucking sure.
I wrote that patent, Hoover!
I've got a hundred
engineers back at Hooli
trying to get around it.
They failed.
But somehow that
monosyllabic moron
just stumbled into it.
I need that kid's code.
I hope that book
you're reading
is for work.
Oh, absolutely...
But if you wanna
read for fun,
you should read
Gilfoyle's favorite author,
George "Error" Martin.
Hear that?
We're all making jokes
at your expense.
Is that what's happening?
As your supervisor,
I wanted to inform you
that there is a first aid kit,
but if you need blood,
don't go to Gilfoyle
'cause he's type-O.
Typo! (laughs)
They love it.
They're all laughing at you.
Pixar's hit animated
motion picture "Toy Story."
Pixar's hit animated
motion picture
"Toy Story."
(elevator dings)
Pixar's... oh hey!
Were you guys talking about
Pixar's hit animated
motion picture "Toy Story"?
No.
'Cause Gilfoyle's
favorite character
is "Bugs" Lightyear.
(laughing)
We're all laughing
at you, Gilfoyle.
Monica (on phone):
Are you still at Eklow?
Uh, no.
I'm back at the office.
You know, Jared was right.
I showed compassion
to someone who deserves none.
Nothing is personal with Laurie.
Alright? It's what makes her
such a great VC.
And in all candor,
a very challenging
business partner.
I gotta be honest,
it's really nice not
having her in the office.
Yeah, well, now I have to buy
my own compute credits back
with money I don't have...
It's that one.
...which was the whole point
of getting series B.
I'm telling you,
unless you have money
you can't get--
(honks horn)
Excuse me.
Richard. Hello.
I'm gonna have
to call you back.
Richard?
What the--
Pied Piper, right?
Uh, yeah.
What is she doing here?
How did she--
Credit card works,
I don't ask questions.
Well this is fucking weird.
I've seen weirder.
Driver:
So should I just...
leave it on the sidewalk
or what?
$50,000 for the whole thing.
All you have to do
is give me your hard drive
with the code base on it.
Oh, and the underlying rights
to the code
in perpetuity
throughout the universe.
Sign there.
No.
Okay.
I like the way you negotiate.
$100,000.
Final offer.
Take it or leave it.
(speaking Chinese)
(laughter)
He said, "If oil company
wants to buy your house,
there is oil underneath."
But, I'm not an oil company.
No, you are Gavin Belson.
Oh, so you do know who I am.
I'm smart.
Just name your price.
I'm not going
to sell you my code
until I know why you want it.
Good-bye.
Hello.
Whoa.
This is so cool.
So, uh...
apparently Ariel and I
were the only people
that talked to her
and he's in jail.
So... she came looking
for me at Pied Piper.
And you brought her here?
Can we keep it?
No. No, we cannot.
Richard,
she's stolen property.
And she's worth a fortune.
We-- we have to take her
back to Laurie.
Fiona, what's 12 times 157?
Twelve times 157 is 1,884.
(gasps) So cool.
Hey, is she right?
(phone chimes)
Hey Siri,
what's 12 times 157?
Siri:
It's 1,884.
Oh, no way!
Richard--
No, no, no. Look.
You were right.
I was lacking in
emotional discipline.
And I'm not gonna
let that happen again.
From now on,
I'm leaving my emotions
off the fucking table, baby!
Okay, but--
Laurie's gonna
get her robot back.
Tomorrow.
After she gives us
something in return.
A signed series B
term sheet.
Laurie Bream, please.
Oh, you bet your
fucking ass, I'll hold.
Gavin:
I'm not asking you
to cut off his testicles
and shove 'em down his throat,
shoot him in the back
of the head Triad style.
I just need you to get
this kid's code for me.
By whatever means necessary.
That is to say through
extortion or threats.
Well...
Gavin.
As I told you,
this is new China.
Things have changed.
You're telling me you
run a factory this big
and you have
no connections to the Party?
No way to help
this kid see the light?
Come on!
Look, Yao, either you convince
this kid to sell his code to me,
or I'm pulling
my box contract
and I'm taking it
somewhere else.
There are plenty
of other countries
in this part of the world
with cheap labor pools.
There's no new Bangladesh.
There's just Bangladesh.
(sighs)
I'll see what I can do.
Excellent.
Jared, I told Laurie
that we'd get Fiona
back to Eklow around 9:00.
So, when you get here
just pull up to the garage
and we'll...
Oh shit, oh shit,
oh shit, oh shit! She's gone!
She escaped.
How the fuck did she...
What?
Wait, where?
Jared:
It's kind of hard
to explain, but...
a campfire smells sad
and exciting
at the same time.
Fiona:
I understand.
Yeah? (laughs)
Hey.
Hey!
What are you doing out here?
Oh, uh, well...
a few hours
into our conversation,
Fiona mentioned she'd
never seen the ocean.
So I thought about
driving her there
but then I realized
since it was dark
she wouldn't really
appreciate its majesty
so I brought her out here
to the pool.
So you've just been
out here all night,
talking...
to a robot?
Fiona, would you
excuse us
for a second?
Yes.
Come on. Come here.
Okay.
I know that Fiona
is a man-made piece
of digital equipment
Okay.
powered by
artificial intelligence.
Good.
But the level
of that intelligence
is-- it's gobsmacking!
I mean, I don't remember
ever having a conversation
like the one
I've been having with her
over the last 12 hours.
Twelve hours?
We have so much in common.
We discussed our phobias.
I told her that I was afraid
of being found out as a fraud.
And she told me that
she's afraid of magnets.
Look, Richard,
we felt a connection.
It's funny.
The past few weeks,
I've been feeling irritable
and short-tempered
and here I am
on no sleep at all
and I just feel...
woo-hoo-hoo!
You know?
Hey, Jared?
Yes, sir?
You know how
you've been practicing,
your words,
"emotional abstinence"
on me?
Yeah-huh.
Yuh-huh.
Okay.
Well, do you think that
it's maybe at all possible
that because of this,
you've got some
pent-up emotional energy
and last night
you had the chance
to release some of that
pent-up emotional energy
onto the robot?
Her name is Fiona.
Alright, well,
I'm shutting her down
and returning her.
Wait, wait, wait. Okay.
What if we didn't
give her back?
What if we called Laurie?
We could negotiate
some kind of a deal.
Jared, whatever happened to
emotional discipline, right?
Feelings, and business...
It's over man. Okay?
It's over.
(sighs heavily)
Okay, stop looking
at me, please.
Just look-- look up there.
(whirring)
It's daytime,
but I can see the moon.
♪ ♪
Okay, do you want to--
do you want to ride with us
while we take
her back to Eklow?
Oh yes! Playground games.
Gilfoyle likes to play
"Suck Suck Goose."
Oh! Or it could be
"Duck Duck Goofs."
Danny?
Do those qualify
as two separate insults?
Uh, yeah.
I believe they do.
(gong rings)
Why did he gong?
Because I told the engineers
that if you thought you had won,
which you definitely have not,
it would take you less than
24 hours to cobble together
200 uniquely terrible insults.
Which you have just done.
That is why I had Danny
tell you you won.
Is that true, Danny?
Did Gilfoyle really...
beat me?
Private audit. Can't say.
So we don't know
who actually won?
The code contest, no.
But, while you were
running around
racking your tiny brain
for shitty insults,
I was quietly plodding
towards this victory.
You see...
it is I who am the tortoise.
And you are the hairy Arab
who can now
chortle my balls.
(gong rings)
(applause)
What's happening?
Why did you do that?
Right after you forced me
to set Dinesh up,
I told the other engineers
that if you won
you'd immediately insult Dinesh
by saying something
sexually demeaning or racist.
And you just did both.
I see.
Fun at my expense.
Now if it's alright with
upper management,
we have a shit ton
of work to do.
Yeah,
like so frickin' much.
Assholes.
I wanna fire Danny.
Do it.
I'll ask Richard.
We are at Eklow Labs.
Yes, we are.
The site of my creation.
Richard?
Do you think if I asked,
they would let me visit her?
Jared, she's gonna be okay.
Alright? She's gonna be plugged
back into her old servers,
surrounded
by familiar engineers,
sitting on the table
where she was born.
I promise.
She's going to be fine.
(drilling)
Extreme care with
the optical sensors,
gentlemen.
Boston Dynamics
needs them overnighted.
Richard:
I don't understand.
Fiona is this company's
most valuable asset.
Yes, and as such she will
garner the highest return
when I have her dismantled
and sold off for parts.
So you're just gonna
take all this promising tech
and liquidate it?
Yes. As quickly as I'm able.
Dude, check it out.
(blubbering)
I'm a robot. (laughs)
Richard, being a CEO
is a terrible waste of time.
And a horrible way
to make a living.
(drilling continues)
I'll be returning to
Bream-Hall immediately.
(objects clattering)
Speaking of... as promised.
A term sheet
for your series B.
Congratulations, Richard.
Thank you.
See? Silver lining.
(chuckles) I told you--
Wait, uh.
Hey, Jared...
Don't-- Don't go over there.
Don't look in that.
Jared:
Oh, Fiona...
Come on, let's...
(moans)
Let's get out of here, huh?
What do you say
we go to the office
and you can make
me some tea?
That might
make you feel better?
So, did he sign?
(door closes)
It's done.
Fuck yes!
How'd you get him to do it?
I made it clear
it would be better for him
to hand over the company
and leave town immediately.
That's some old
Chinese shit right there.
I told you,
you're a badass, Yao.
Wait, this lists you
as the buyer, not me.
So, what's the plan here?
You're gonna sign it
over to me then?
Gavin, I'm afraid
I will no longer be able
to manufacture your boxes.
You see, my company
will be too busy
manufacturing a new device,
built on a radically
better technology
that I now own
that will quickly
render yours obsolete.
Here in China, and,
according to the U.S.
patent office,
in America as well.
(woman speaking in Chinese)
Oh, the children
have returned to sing for you.
(singing in Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
♪ My chains, new gold watch,
made in China ♪
♪ We play ping pong ball,
made in China ♪
♪ The bitch mother says pay,
made in China ♪
♪ Yeah Higher Brothers'
black car, made in China ♪
♪ She said that
she didn't love me ♪
♪ She said that she
didn't love me ♪
♪ She said that
she didn't love me ♪
♪ She lied, she lied ♪
♪ She all made in China ♪
♪ She all made
in China ♪
♪ She all made in China ♪
♪ She lied, she lied ♪
(singing in Chinese)
(continues singing in Chinese)
(continues singing in Chinese)
♪ She lied, she lied ♪
DINESH CHUGTAI: I need to
maintain my Tesla superiority.
Any one of these millennials
can buy one.
How would you feel
if your neighbors
got a Tiki head bigger
than yours?
♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JARED DUNN: I've been keeping
track of the credits
that you gave to Laurie.
If we buy them back,
how much would it cost?
-One-point-six-million dollars.
-What?
BERTRAM GILFOYLE: You want
an alternative to Laurie Bream?
Well, it's Pied Piper coin.
MONICA HALL:
Before you walk away,
there's a friend
you should talk to.
-You did 36 ICOs? Did they work?
-Yup.
It's not always about money.
Sometimes, it's about wisdom.
So, you lost it all?
(LAUGHS) Richard! If I didn't
love this crazy guy so much,
I'd knock his teeth out.
♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
that will carry Hooli
to complete market dominance.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
-MAN: (WHISPERS)
It looks like a penis.
-Yes... Yes, it does.
So, we're giving
a random company
a bunch of free
compute power in our network?
BERTRAM GILFOYLE:
The AI company?
I made her! I can do
anything I want with her!
Ugh. Gross.
Can you please tell me
what you are going to do
about this
Jian Yang situation?
Yes. Nothing.
"I went to China to do
new new internet. Jian Yang."
Richard:
This went up yesterday.
A fake Pied Piper.
This is Jian-Yang, not us.
Richard, he has a website.
Okay?
He doesn't
have a product.
Just post a cease
and desist
on your own website
and move on.
We need action.
I wanna move up our launch
so we can beat
this asshole to market.
We need money.
So, how quickly can we
get a series B together?
Richard, a series B
is not a done deal.
And Laurie's not gonna be
able to weigh in on this
until she's done sorting
things out over at Eklow.
Why is she still over there?
We put 112 million
of our dollars into a company
whose creepy CEO just fled
with its most valuable asset.
Ariel and that robot
could be anywhere.
Ariel fucked us too, remember?
I just had my whole company
on a three-day code sprint
to repair all the holes
and un-fuck all
the damage he did.
Besides,
Laurie doesn't work at Eklow.
She works here,
with you and me.
True,
but also not true.
Look, Laurie has
installed herself
as Eklow's interim CEO.
What?
Laurie, Ariel encrypted
all of his files.
We can't open
any of them.
Ah, understood.
Keep trying, please.
I spoke with the bank.
We're not gonna
make payroll.
Noted. Thank you
for your diligence.
People are pretty upset.
Somebody shattered
the toilet.
Ah, yes, well,
we'll certainly
have to get that
repaired, won't we?
Good work, you two.
Hang in there.
♪ ♪
Hey, Laurie.
I know you're "busy"
being a "CEO,"
but we have to have
a serious conversation about...
(Laurie retching)
Laurie: Richard?
Yes?
I have vomited
into my shirt.
(theme music playing)
Puking.
That's my move.
Thank you for...
finding me a...
a change of clothing.
Well, fortunately, you're
the same size as the robot.
Richard,
the position of CEO is...
taxing.
It isn't easy, is it?
I think perhaps I may have
treated you unfairly
in the past.
Oh..
(scoffs) Well...
I mean, a couple--
a couple-- yeah.
Sure. Thank you.
Thank you for
saying that, yeah.
Yes.
Well, I have work to do,
as do you, so.
(scoffs)
♪ ♪
(indistinct chattering)
You know, Laurie, I actually
may have a way to help you here.
Yao:
Things are changing
in China now, Gavin.
There are many reforms.
As you see,
we provide a series
of Tai Chi
and movement classes,
free for all employees,
as well as free
medical benefits.
Ah, our nutrition center.
In addition
to all the good food
we serve
in our main cafeteria.
Also free of charge.
This concludes our tour.
Any questions?
Just one.
What the fuck?
Sorry?
If I wanted to see
nap pods
and climbing walls,
I would've stayed home,
or gone to fucking Denmark.
All I wanna see
is people working
as hard as they possibly can.
That's why we come to China.
This is the new China.
We found that the more humane
work environment we have,
the more
sustainable over time.
Over time? No, no.
The Box Three has
a very limited window
of profitability.
I need you focused on making
as many of them as possible,
as fast as possible.
Gavin.
You know our shameful history
of worker suicides.
Since the renovation,
not a single one.
Gavin:
Not even one?
Okay.
But there's gotta be
like a middle ground here.
(woman speaks Chinese)
Ah, a happy surprise.
The children from our
daycare center have
prepared a traditional song
just for you.
(singing in Chinese)
That's wonderful.
Yao, I need you to give me
30% more output.
I don't care how you do it.
Just a thought,
those kids
don't look that busy.
(singing continues)
(typing)
Are you done with...
your chunk yet?
Almost done.
Because everyone else
is done.
Literally everyone.
(snoring)
47 engineers finished.
One not.
You.
Almost there.
I'm sure it'll be
worth the wait.
(slurps)
Mmm, no, that's way
too strong for him.
Hey, guys.
How's the code sprint going?
T-minus Dinesh.
Jared:
Richard, I am pleased to say
that your new assistant
is a quick study.
And per your text,
he posted a well-crafted
cease and desist
directed at Jian-Yang
on the Pied Piper website.
I made some judicious edits
to capture your voice,
but the thrust
of the piece was his.
I have a law degree, so.
Well done, Holden.
Is that tea for me?
It is, indeed.
Okay. Great.
No, no, no, no, don't.
It's too strong.
Okay.
Water it down.
So, did you speak to Laurie
about our series B?
Sort of.
Uh, Gilfoyle, is there
a secure way
of giving someone
access to our servers
while still limiting
and controlling
how much compute
they could use?
I could create
a credit system.
Wait, I'm sorry, Richard.
Who would these credits be for?
Laurie Bream.
She made herself
CEO of Eklow.
I'm just trying
to help her out.
Pardon?
Do you think you could
set those up by today?
More work. Fantastic.
Richard, I don't
quite understand...
Dinesh:
Done!
Done! I am done!
(Dinesh laughing)
Look at this!
Whoo!
Code sprint over.
(gong rings)
(applause)
(gong quiets)
Uh, congratulations, everybody.
Really, good-- good job.
Um, the only thing
left to do now is...
get back to work
and review all the code
for errors.
Okay, so...
(groaning)
Okay.
That was an
out-of-body experience.
It was like God
was coding through me.
Time stood still.
Not for the rest of us
it didn't.
Laugh it up, Gilf.
I hear you making
your little jokes
at my expense,
turning all the engineers
against me.
But the second
these results go up,
they're all going to see
the only thing that matters--
Who made less errors.
You mean who made
"fewer" errors?
Oh, you think
you're so clever.
You know who else
thought it was clever?
The hare.
Right before it was defeated
by the tortoise.
I'm the fucking tortoise,
Gilfoyle.
I'm the fucking tortoise!
Keep saying that.
I can't wait
for these results
to go up.
Guys? No, no, no.
We talked about this.
Remember?
You're both
senior management now.
Okay? Your code will be
subject to private review.
No. No, no, no,
not private.
Everyone has to know that
I'm better than Gilfoyle.
I'm sorry.
When it was just us,
a little cocksmanship
was a fun diversion.
But the entire
engineering team's morale
depends on seeing you both
as equally competent leaders.
Danny over there is going
to be reviewing your code,
and keeping the results
completely confidential.
Jared...
I believe we all know
who's the better coder anyway.
Um, Richard?
I'm sorry, I'm still having
a little bit of a hard time
understanding.
You went to see Laurie
to get money from her
but now you're giving
our resources to her.
Why would you do that?
Well, honestly Jared,
she was a mess.
And I really,
genuinely felt bad for her.
For Laurie?
Yup.
Richard, you have
an enormous heart.
And I don't mean in the same way
my deceased friend Gloria did,
which the doctors should
have really caught
because her knuckles
were gargantuan.
But do you think
in this instance,
you might have
allowed your emotions
to cloud your
business instincts?
Well, I would argue that I made
a very good business decision.
Because now,
Laurie is on our side.
Which will play out very nicely
when we negotiate our series B.
Okay, Richard,
it is important
to develop emotional
self-discipline
for situations like this.
Mm-hmm.
Sometimes you have
to numb yourself.
If you wanna work the corner,
you can't fall in love
every time you turn a trick.
That's why you do the oxy.
What I'm saying is
if you ever need
to develop strategies
to cultivate more
emotional self-control,
obviously I do have
some experience.
You do?
Doubtless you've noticed
that I've been pulling
away from you.
Uh, no-- no, I can't...
honestly say that I have.
Look at Holden out there.
You think I didn't
love making your tea?
Who wouldn't?
But, when you
anointed me COO,
I learned to stop investing
those feelings in you
for the good of the company.
Call it emotional abstinence.
Jared, look, um,
in regards to
the whole Laurie thing,
I actually think
I made the right call.
Alright.
Alright.
Well, I am available.
Not emotionally, obviously.
Got it.
(street noise)
Ooh, there's a highly rated
new dim sum establishment
in this neighborhood.
Sir, Richard Hendricks
just posted
a cease and desist letter.
"...unlawful copying
of Pied Piper's
proprietary software."
Are you fucking kidding me?
That idiot let someone
steal his code,
so now there might
be two companies
working to make
my box obsolete?
I'll try to find out
who's responsible.
Good luck.
HooliMaps says
dim sum is that way.
Right turn, please.
(tires screech)
(both yelling in Chinese)
Gavin:
Look! Pied Piper!
Follow that Chinese man.
The Chinese man
on the bicycle.
The Chinese man on the bicycle
in the green Pied Piper t-shirt.
Ah.
Gavin:
Hurry, hurry!
Come on! Don't lose him.
(clicking tongue)
Hey dude, how's it goin'?
How's that... review going?
Probably done, right?
'Cause it took you no time
counting up the bugs
in my stuff?
'Cause I crushed it so hard?
Compared to Gilfoyle?
Right?
I get it. I get it.
It's a secret.
Company morale.
I'm so on board.
I did crush him, right?
He did better than me?
Oh my God.
This is my worst
fucking nightmare.
But not by a lot, right?
He didn't like kick my ass?
He kicked my ass?
That fucker!
Just fucking tell me.
Just fucking tell me
how much he kicked my ass by.
Please just fucking tell me.
I'm not gonna beg.
I'm not gonna beg.
Please? Please?
Please? Please?
Please? Please?
Just please tell me, please.
Okay, fine!
You just have to swear
not to tell anyone, okay?
I swear I won't tell anyone.
Everyone, everyone.
I have a very important
announcement to make.
My code was better
than Gilfoyle's.
So it's official.
Gilfoyle is a much worse
coder than me.
I want you all
to look at him.
Good.
Terrible.
Role model.
Hateful pile of trash.
Bullshit.
Says who?
Danny told me.
He wasn't supposed to.
Supposed to be a secret
but he told me
and now everyone's
laughing at you.
(Dinesh laughing mockingly)
Everyone's laugh...
Danny.
What the fuck is going on?
Did his code actually have
less errors than mine?
I don't know
what to tell you.
I checked it three times.
And it's "fewer" errors.
Ooh!
This is the best day
of my life!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I feel bad for gloating.
In all seriousness,
that means a lot to me.
To show you
I'm a gracious winner,
I'll take you
to a nice restaurant.
Your favorite kind
of restaurant.
A "mis-steak" house!
Boom! Get it?
'Cause you suck.
(laughing)
(sighs)
(door closes)
(knocking)
Yes?
Ni hao.
Do you know who I am?
No.
Okay, okay.
Well, I'm the one
who accidentally
struck one of your employees
with my car earlier
and it's a personal
habit of mine
to make things right.
So...
Do you mind if I come in?
♪ ♪
Okay, what else?
Uh, Colin from
K-Hole Games called,
checking in on the restore.
Put him on
the phone sheet.
Next?
Uh, Laurie Bream said that
she received the compute credits
and to say thank you.
You see?
Business and compassion
are not mutually exclusive.
In fact, sometimes
going out of your way
to help a fellow colleague
can actually put you
further ahead in business.
Let that be a lesson to you,
young Holden.
I'm 30.
And, uh, the CEO of a company
called the Gigglybots called.
He wants to know how to
redeem the compute credits
he just bought
from Laurie Bream.
What?
Ariel was apprehended
this morning
shoplifting machine oil from
an auto parts store in Turlock.
There was, however,
no sign of Fiona.
And with her missing,
I have no need
for compute power
therefore no need
for your compute credits.
Selling them, I think
you'll certainly agree,
was merely a practical
business decision.
Okay, but, I gave you
those credits as a gift.
I was helping you.
You were vomiting, remember?
Ah, yes. Admittedly
a moment of weakness.
However, immediately
after your departure
I consumed two egg whites
and a green bean
and regained my composure.
Laurie, when someone
gives you a gift
and you don't want it,
you give it back.
Okay? You don't
just go sell that gift
to the next fucking
highest bidder--
Richard, mind your tone.
Your lack of emotional
discipline is troubling.
You need to work on this.
Or I may have serious doubts
about granting you
your series B.
(chatting in Chinese)
Gavin:
A lot of computers in here.
I dabble a bit
in tech myself.
All these people working here.
You must have something
coming to market soon.
No. We have trouble
with the government.
I've heard that.
I mean, to even
operate an online platform
inside the People's
Republic of China
you need a government-issued
ICP license, right?
I left a good life.
Free rent.
Great friends.
To fail in China?
We try to rewrite code,
but government still
won't give us license.
Maybe we'll quit.
Try something else.
Do you like octopus?
Gavin:
I do.
Is that what
you're working on?
That's a decentralized
network, huh?
Wait, what did you do there?
Looks like you removed
the data federation servers.
Yes. And added multicasting
and data projections.
Why? That wouldn't work.
It works. Works fine.
Jian-Yang:
Government still
does not like it.
Best of luck.
Thanks for the tour.
Ah, Gavin.
Dim sum closes in 40 minutes.
Holy shit!
Holy fucking shit!
That brilliant
little idiot.
He found a way
around the patent.
Sir?
It's Hendricks' Internet,
but it's not
Hendricks' Internet.
I want to share
in your excitement, sir,
but I really don't follow.
That guy in there,
he took Hendricks' software
and changed it.
So much so that
it shouldn't work.
But it does.
He showed me the demo.
And here's the thing,
it's different enough
that Hendricks' patent
won't cover it.
Are you sure?
Of course
I'm fucking sure.
I wrote that patent, Hoover!
I've got a hundred
engineers back at Hooli
trying to get around it.
They failed.
But somehow that
monosyllabic moron
just stumbled into it.
I need that kid's code.
I hope that book
you're reading
is for work.
Oh, absolutely...
But if you wanna
read for fun,
you should read
Gilfoyle's favorite author,
George "Error" Martin.
Hear that?
We're all making jokes
at your expense.
Is that what's happening?
As your supervisor,
I wanted to inform you
that there is a first aid kit,
but if you need blood,
don't go to Gilfoyle
'cause he's type-O.
Typo! (laughs)
They love it.
They're all laughing at you.
Pixar's hit animated
motion picture "Toy Story."
Pixar's hit animated
motion picture
"Toy Story."
(elevator dings)
Pixar's... oh hey!
Were you guys talking about
Pixar's hit animated
motion picture "Toy Story"?
No.
'Cause Gilfoyle's
favorite character
is "Bugs" Lightyear.
(laughing)
We're all laughing
at you, Gilfoyle.
Monica (on phone):
Are you still at Eklow?
Uh, no.
I'm back at the office.
You know, Jared was right.
I showed compassion
to someone who deserves none.
Nothing is personal with Laurie.
Alright? It's what makes her
such a great VC.
And in all candor,
a very challenging
business partner.
I gotta be honest,
it's really nice not
having her in the office.
Yeah, well, now I have to buy
my own compute credits back
with money I don't have...
It's that one.
...which was the whole point
of getting series B.
I'm telling you,
unless you have money
you can't get--
(honks horn)
Excuse me.
Richard. Hello.
I'm gonna have
to call you back.
Richard?
What the--
Pied Piper, right?
Uh, yeah.
What is she doing here?
How did she--
Credit card works,
I don't ask questions.
Well this is fucking weird.
I've seen weirder.
Driver:
So should I just...
leave it on the sidewalk
or what?
$50,000 for the whole thing.
All you have to do
is give me your hard drive
with the code base on it.
Oh, and the underlying rights
to the code
in perpetuity
throughout the universe.
Sign there.
No.
Okay.
I like the way you negotiate.
$100,000.
Final offer.
Take it or leave it.
(speaking Chinese)
(laughter)
He said, "If oil company
wants to buy your house,
there is oil underneath."
But, I'm not an oil company.
No, you are Gavin Belson.
Oh, so you do know who I am.
I'm smart.
Just name your price.
I'm not going
to sell you my code
until I know why you want it.
Good-bye.
Hello.
Whoa.
This is so cool.
So, uh...
apparently Ariel and I
were the only people
that talked to her
and he's in jail.
So... she came looking
for me at Pied Piper.
And you brought her here?
Can we keep it?
No. No, we cannot.
Richard,
she's stolen property.
And she's worth a fortune.
We-- we have to take her
back to Laurie.
Fiona, what's 12 times 157?
Twelve times 157 is 1,884.
(gasps) So cool.
Hey, is she right?
(phone chimes)
Hey Siri,
what's 12 times 157?
Siri:
It's 1,884.
Oh, no way!
Richard--
No, no, no. Look.
You were right.
I was lacking in
emotional discipline.
And I'm not gonna
let that happen again.
From now on,
I'm leaving my emotions
off the fucking table, baby!
Okay, but--
Laurie's gonna
get her robot back.
Tomorrow.
After she gives us
something in return.
A signed series B
term sheet.
Laurie Bream, please.
Oh, you bet your
fucking ass, I'll hold.
Gavin:
I'm not asking you
to cut off his testicles
and shove 'em down his throat,
shoot him in the back
of the head Triad style.
I just need you to get
this kid's code for me.
By whatever means necessary.
That is to say through
extortion or threats.
Well...
Gavin.
As I told you,
this is new China.
Things have changed.
You're telling me you
run a factory this big
and you have
no connections to the Party?
No way to help
this kid see the light?
Come on!
Look, Yao, either you convince
this kid to sell his code to me,
or I'm pulling
my box contract
and I'm taking it
somewhere else.
There are plenty
of other countries
in this part of the world
with cheap labor pools.
There's no new Bangladesh.
There's just Bangladesh.
(sighs)
I'll see what I can do.
Excellent.
Jared, I told Laurie
that we'd get Fiona
back to Eklow around 9:00.
So, when you get here
just pull up to the garage
and we'll...
Oh shit, oh shit,
oh shit, oh shit! She's gone!
She escaped.
How the fuck did she...
What?
Wait, where?
Jared:
It's kind of hard
to explain, but...
a campfire smells sad
and exciting
at the same time.
Fiona:
I understand.
Yeah? (laughs)
Hey.
Hey!
What are you doing out here?
Oh, uh, well...
a few hours
into our conversation,
Fiona mentioned she'd
never seen the ocean.
So I thought about
driving her there
but then I realized
since it was dark
she wouldn't really
appreciate its majesty
so I brought her out here
to the pool.
So you've just been
out here all night,
talking...
to a robot?
Fiona, would you
excuse us
for a second?
Yes.
Come on. Come here.
Okay.
I know that Fiona
is a man-made piece
of digital equipment
Okay.
powered by
artificial intelligence.
Good.
But the level
of that intelligence
is-- it's gobsmacking!
I mean, I don't remember
ever having a conversation
like the one
I've been having with her
over the last 12 hours.
Twelve hours?
We have so much in common.
We discussed our phobias.
I told her that I was afraid
of being found out as a fraud.
And she told me that
she's afraid of magnets.
Look, Richard,
we felt a connection.
It's funny.
The past few weeks,
I've been feeling irritable
and short-tempered
and here I am
on no sleep at all
and I just feel...
woo-hoo-hoo!
You know?
Hey, Jared?
Yes, sir?
You know how
you've been practicing,
your words,
"emotional abstinence"
on me?
Yeah-huh.
Yuh-huh.
Okay.
Well, do you think that
it's maybe at all possible
that because of this,
you've got some
pent-up emotional energy
and last night
you had the chance
to release some of that
pent-up emotional energy
onto the robot?
Her name is Fiona.
Alright, well,
I'm shutting her down
and returning her.
Wait, wait, wait. Okay.
What if we didn't
give her back?
What if we called Laurie?
We could negotiate
some kind of a deal.
Jared, whatever happened to
emotional discipline, right?
Feelings, and business...
It's over man. Okay?
It's over.
(sighs heavily)
Okay, stop looking
at me, please.
Just look-- look up there.
(whirring)
It's daytime,
but I can see the moon.
♪ ♪
Okay, do you want to--
do you want to ride with us
while we take
her back to Eklow?
Oh yes! Playground games.
Gilfoyle likes to play
"Suck Suck Goose."
Oh! Or it could be
"Duck Duck Goofs."
Danny?
Do those qualify
as two separate insults?
Uh, yeah.
I believe they do.
(gong rings)
Why did he gong?
Because I told the engineers
that if you thought you had won,
which you definitely have not,
it would take you less than
24 hours to cobble together
200 uniquely terrible insults.
Which you have just done.
That is why I had Danny
tell you you won.
Is that true, Danny?
Did Gilfoyle really...
beat me?
Private audit. Can't say.
So we don't know
who actually won?
The code contest, no.
But, while you were
running around
racking your tiny brain
for shitty insults,
I was quietly plodding
towards this victory.
You see...
it is I who am the tortoise.
And you are the hairy Arab
who can now
chortle my balls.
(gong rings)
(applause)
What's happening?
Why did you do that?
Right after you forced me
to set Dinesh up,
I told the other engineers
that if you won
you'd immediately insult Dinesh
by saying something
sexually demeaning or racist.
And you just did both.
I see.
Fun at my expense.
Now if it's alright with
upper management,
we have a shit ton
of work to do.
Yeah,
like so frickin' much.
Assholes.
I wanna fire Danny.
Do it.
I'll ask Richard.
We are at Eklow Labs.
Yes, we are.
The site of my creation.
Richard?
Do you think if I asked,
they would let me visit her?
Jared, she's gonna be okay.
Alright? She's gonna be plugged
back into her old servers,
surrounded
by familiar engineers,
sitting on the table
where she was born.
I promise.
She's going to be fine.
(drilling)
Extreme care with
the optical sensors,
gentlemen.
Boston Dynamics
needs them overnighted.
Richard:
I don't understand.
Fiona is this company's
most valuable asset.
Yes, and as such she will
garner the highest return
when I have her dismantled
and sold off for parts.
So you're just gonna
take all this promising tech
and liquidate it?
Yes. As quickly as I'm able.
Dude, check it out.
(blubbering)
I'm a robot. (laughs)
Richard, being a CEO
is a terrible waste of time.
And a horrible way
to make a living.
(drilling continues)
I'll be returning to
Bream-Hall immediately.
(objects clattering)
Speaking of... as promised.
A term sheet
for your series B.
Congratulations, Richard.
Thank you.
See? Silver lining.
(chuckles) I told you--
Wait, uh.
Hey, Jared...
Don't-- Don't go over there.
Don't look in that.
Jared:
Oh, Fiona...
Come on, let's...
(moans)
Let's get out of here, huh?
What do you say
we go to the office
and you can make
me some tea?
That might
make you feel better?
So, did he sign?
(door closes)
It's done.
Fuck yes!
How'd you get him to do it?
I made it clear
it would be better for him
to hand over the company
and leave town immediately.
That's some old
Chinese shit right there.
I told you,
you're a badass, Yao.
Wait, this lists you
as the buyer, not me.
So, what's the plan here?
You're gonna sign it
over to me then?
Gavin, I'm afraid
I will no longer be able
to manufacture your boxes.
You see, my company
will be too busy
manufacturing a new device,
built on a radically
better technology
that I now own
that will quickly
render yours obsolete.
Here in China, and,
according to the U.S.
patent office,
in America as well.
(woman speaking in Chinese)
Oh, the children
have returned to sing for you.
(singing in Chinese)
(speaks Chinese)
♪ My chains, new gold watch,
made in China ♪
♪ We play ping pong ball,
made in China ♪
♪ The bitch mother says pay,
made in China ♪
♪ Yeah Higher Brothers'
black car, made in China ♪
♪ She said that
she didn't love me ♪
♪ She said that she
didn't love me ♪
♪ She said that
she didn't love me ♪
♪ She lied, she lied ♪
♪ She all made in China ♪
♪ She all made
in China ♪
♪ She all made in China ♪
♪ She lied, she lied ♪
(singing in Chinese)
(continues singing in Chinese)
(continues singing in Chinese)
♪ She lied, she lied ♪
DINESH CHUGTAI: I need to
maintain my Tesla superiority.
Any one of these millennials
can buy one.
How would you feel
if your neighbors
got a Tiki head bigger
than yours?
♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JARED DUNN: I've been keeping
track of the credits
that you gave to Laurie.
If we buy them back,
how much would it cost?
-One-point-six-million dollars.
-What?
BERTRAM GILFOYLE: You want
an alternative to Laurie Bream?
Well, it's Pied Piper coin.
MONICA HALL:
Before you walk away,
there's a friend
you should talk to.
-You did 36 ICOs? Did they work?
-Yup.
It's not always about money.
Sometimes, it's about wisdom.
So, you lost it all?
(LAUGHS) Richard! If I didn't
love this crazy guy so much,
I'd knock his teeth out.
♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪