Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Grow Fast or Die Slow - full transcript
Richard faces new challenges as a leader as Pied Piper levels up; Gavin worries about being antiquated.
All right, let's do an exercise.
You can build anything
in the world you want
with your compression.
What's it gonna be?
Three, two, one, go.
A-- A new internet.
What
I am your lead investor.
You will respect me as such.
I do not respect you
because you are fat and poor.
So, you're telling me that
the perfect application
of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?
We need
his patent and his funding.
Eventually, this will render
every server obsolete.
Holy shit.
Welcome to the future, Gavin.
-Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
-Son of a bitch!
I have spoken to our top LPs
to start a new firm.
Would you care to jump ship
with me?
You are, after all,
my best friend.
What?
Gavin just fucked off
to go find himself,
who knows where.
-It's the patent.
He just signed over
full ownership to me.
There's a loud man here
to see you.
Welcome home and congratulations
on getting your business back.
Thank you, and I should
congratulate you
on your breakthrough.
I can help you get
where you wanna go.
I'm pretty sure I know
where I wanna go,
and how to get there.
I shall look forward
to the fight.
Jesus,
what the hell did he order?
Oh... No! No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop it, stop it.
Oh my God.
These are
our new offices?
Richard:
Yeah. Well, this is
just the lobby.
We're up there
on the second floor, but yup.
These are so nice.
There's a fireplace.
Oh! I am a sucker
for an intuitive
kitchen layout.
Follow me, right up here.
Trust me, you're gonna love it.
Gilfoyle:
It's hard to believe
your pathological inability
to make a decision
finally paid off.
Jared: Wow.
Richard, well done.
Dude! Look
at this place, huh?
Jared:
Oh, I love it.
So, when do
these guys move out?
Oh, no, this isn't
our space.
Our sublease is
straight through here.
Okay.
I welcome you
to Pied Piper's
new home.
Huh
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
It's-- it's very white.
Yeah, it's minimalist,
you know?
Sharp, clean lines.
I was thinking about
maybe putting my desk
here in this corner.
Jared, you over here, right?
Dinesh, Gilfoyle,
maybe up against this wall
or over there.
You know,
just take a minute,
walk around the space,
see where
the mojo takes you.
I mean, we've got
some good feng shui in here.
Really good.
Richard, the plan
was to hire 15 coders
and some assistants
and-- and other staff.
Where exactly
would we put them?
Easy. Right around here.
Look, guys...
the price
is unbelievable.
I'm just happy that
we got to it when we did
before anyone else.
I-- I emphatically vote
that we move on this now,
if we all agree.
I mean,
we do agree, right?
I cannot put this
delicately, so--
Are you fucking
kidding me, dude?
You want us
to work in here?
This is a fucking
black site, Richard!
A black site
would actually be better,
because at least
we'd be protected
by the Geneva Convention.
This is fucking
with my eyes.
Can I get outta here?
Okay, ha-- hang on.
Richard, can I talk to you
for one second,
please, privately?
Richard: Sure.
Ah!
See? Plenty of outlets.
Richard...
what are you doing?
We can easily afford a place
with windows and... air
where you can
maintain a connection
to time and space.
If-- if we spend all
that money, it's gone.
Okay, don't you remember
Jack Barker
squandering all our runway
for those fancy offices
or Russ Hanneman spending
nearly every cent we had
on fucking swag?
I'm sorry, man,
we do not get another chance.
This is it.
Gilfoyle:
There is no point whispering.
We can hear
every fucking word you say
in this sweatbox.
I can hear
you gulping, Richard.
No, you can't.
Richard, it is
my firm opinion
that if we were
to take this space,
our new hires
wouldn't be coding,
they would be having
panic attacks.
No, come on.
I'm doing a really good job
of hiding it,
but I'm having one
right now.
I gotta get
the fuck outta here.
Jared, you okay?
I will not be back.
Wait, guys, hold on.
Jared, I'm gonna get you
some water, okay?
Richard:
Okay, what about this guy,
Chris Berger?
He's a very skilled engineer.
He was very funny
when we met with him.
I think he'd be great.
He was oddly tall,
don't you think?
Gilfoyle:
Yeah, pass.
Alright, what about
Blake Kang?
His beard hair looked
like head hair.
And his head hair
looked like beard hair.
Come on! It's been
a fucking month.
I got us these
expensive-ass offices
because you wanted them,
and now they're just
sitting here, empty,
because you guys
won't agree on anyone.
Look, I'm going
to be seeing
Laurie Bream
at this stupid Innovation
Hall of Fame event tonight,
and she's gonna ask
how hiring is going.
She's 11 months pregnant
and highly irritable.
What am I going
to tell her?
That we've just
been dicking around
the whole time?
We're not dicking around.
Really?
What about this?
Gilfoyle:
Touché.
He sent in
a professional headshot.
We had no choice.
Plus his face looks
like a taint.
Okay, yeah, fair.
But look, I sent you
63 good people.
I spared you kilt guy,
openly alt-right guy,
obviously closeted
alt-right guy,
and the guy
with the stupid
fucking pizza app.
It was so lame,
it would somehow
make you hate pizza.
You have to choose.
Dude, it's easy
for you to say.
You're gonna
be off CEO'ing,
going to fancy galas.
We're the ones who have
to like be in the engine room
with these clowns.
Gilfoyle:
They have to meet
our rigorous standards.
I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.
Just look at them.
There they are.
Stallions.
Gilfoyle:
Each one more magnificent
than the last.
Dinesh:
Perfect.
Yeah, they're glorious,
obviously,
but that's
only three of them,
and they're luxuriating here
in this huge fucking palace
that is costing us a fortune,
so hurry up and pick these
fucking coders,
and stop acting like a couple
of spoiled millionaires.
Alright, Richard,
your tuxedo
is pressed and ready
for the gala.
I put a touch of mint
in the steamer.
You're gonna look
like Richard Gere
from "Pretty Woman."
Maybe tonight you'll fall
for a radiant sex worker.
During my sabbatical
from Hooli,
I toured
the wonders of the world,
seeking inspiration
from mankind's
greatest achievements--
the Parthenon,
Angkor Wat,
the Great Pyramid
of Giza.
But it wasn't
until my flight home
that I had my epiphany.
Yes, those wonders
are visited by thousands
of people every year,
but 2.4 million people
visit HooliSearch
every minute.
God, what a fucking douchebag.
Gavin:
And then it occurred to me.
What I have built is
a far greater achievement,
than any
of the ancient world.
And the ideal version
of myself
was the man
I already was.
Thank you.
Richard?
Richard Hendricks.
Oh. Huh? Okay.
Yeah, hi, Duncan.
Yeah.
Me and my guys were
just talking about you
and your pizza app.
Oh yeah. I bet.
Our algorithm finds you
the cheapest, fastest pizza,
and it's-- it's awesome.
Yeah.
It's actually so awesome...
Definitely.
that-- oh man, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna have to pull
my resume.
Oh, you're pulling your--
Oh no.
Yeah, I just don't feel
as psyched about it
as I do about Sliceline.
Sliceline?
That's the name
of your app?
Yeah.
Oh God.
Great.
Yeah, it's a pun.
Is it?
Yeah. It rhymes
with Priceline.
Okay. Just--
so, it rhymes? Okay.
Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.
Anyway, there might be
some major VCs around here,
so I gotta go mingle.
Okay.
It's the-- it's the worst part
of this job. Am I right?
I'm kidding.
It's the best part of the job.
Okay.
What an asshole.
Richard.
Gavin, hello.
Don't you look cute
in your Sunday best?
How's that little
bunny Internet going?
Mmm. New Internet. New.
Unlike your old Internet.
You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, Richard.
I was actually
starting to feel bad
about what I did today.
Oh
Invent the MOSFET
transistor
It's old technology.
It's very old, like you.
No. I've heard that
you're trying to staff up.
Over the past few months,
you've met with just about
every distributed systems
developer in the Valley.
Okay, well, not everyone.
63 of them,
and as of 4:30 p.m.
this afternoon,
I hired them,
all 63 of them.
Yeah, I had to pay
through the nose,
but you know what?
♪ ♪That look right there
on your face?
It makes it worth
every penny.
You know what?
Enjoy the reception, Richard.
You too.
Jared:
Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.
He hired all of them.
Even my boy
Blake Kang?
He was a good one.
I'm sorry, uh, your boy?
I thought his hair
was backwards?
You guys were lukewarm
on him and everybody else
for all kinds of stupid reasons.
Well, now that they're
unavailable, their strengths
are more readily apparent.
And I don't want
to point fingers,
but we wouldn't be here
if you hadn't let
Gilfoyle and me waste
so much time being picky.
What? I was dying
to move faster.
I was just respecting
your process.
Our process sucks.
Your inability
to stop us from sucking
is a failure
of leadership.
At least we still
have the stallions.
Ah. Those stallions.
Look at 'em.
Magnificent.
Sit back down.
Just sit in your chairs.
Jared, um...
call alt-right guy
and cologne boy
and all the other rejects,
and... set meetings.
Well, I did a little digging
on the alt-right guy,
and he's pretty involved
in a campaign to eliminate
black emojis,
but there might
be another option.
Do you remember
Kira Pickford?
Yes, actually.
Yeah, good coder,
but she had her own company.
Well, that's true, except
that her company, Optimoji,
just lost
their second round
of funding,
so they're basically
on life support.
So?
So, what if, instead
of building a team,
we acquired one?
Dinesh:
But Optimoji has 30 people.
We only need 12.
Well, we'll just insist
that she let the other 18 go.
We have a lot of leverage.
Richard is a shrewd negotiator,
and I'm, you know, spirited.
Look, Kira,
this is a fair offer.
But... I've got
30 great guys.
We're like family,
and you only wanna
bring along 12?
I have to do
what's right by my guys.
Look, I know what
it's like to only be able
to rescue half your family,
and it's awful,
but what can you do?
Shh, shh.
Sometimes
there's only one--
Jared, okay, stop.
Um, look, Kira,
you're not gonna find
a better deal than that.
Your company
is close to bankruptcy
and we all know that there
are a lotta coders out there
in this old town,
and we could go
to any of 'em,
but we wanna
go to you, so...
kinda feels like we've got
all the cards here, huh?
Richard.
You keep following me,
I'm gonna call
the cops.
I'm just kidding.
Oh.
Hey, I'm Duncan.
Hey. Kira.
Hey, guess what company
just got his Series "A"
Term Sheet
Oh, the Sliceline.
Congrats, yeah.
Duncan: Yeah, we're
staffing up like crazy.
Speaking of staffing,
how about all those coders
you lost, man?
I'm sorry.
That must've been
a real blow.
What coders?
Um, I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be rude,
but this is boring.
Thank God
I didn't accept
your offer.
I'd be the only guy
working for you
now that Gavin Belson
swooped in
and tactically mass-hired
every single
distributed systems
engineer you were looking at.
Gavin hired all
of Richard's coders?
Not everyone.
Not everyone.
Yup. The guy is savage,
and so are my guys
if they don't get
their caffeine,
so nice meeting you, Kira.
Cool. Cool, cool.
What were you saying
about holding all the cards?
All of my coders
or none of them.
Take it or leave it.
Dinesh:
What?
Gilfoyle:
What the fuck?
Do you have--
Do you--
Dinesh:
Jian-Yang!
Jian-Yang...
would you please explain
why we each found
some random Chinese guy
asleep in our beds?
Yes, you work all day.
Your rooms are always empty,
so they use.
The fuck they do.
Yes, it's not your house.
This is not
your house either,
Jian-Yang.
This is Erlich's house.
Do you think Erlich would
want your guys here?
No. That's why I invite them,
because I hate Errich.
We are not Erlich.
You are from Errich's
administration.
No, we are not.
Nobody has heard
from Erlich in months.
This isn't working.
I'm gonna drag your cousin
the fuck outta my lair.
Jian-Yang:
No, this is my cousin.
Engineers, welcome.
You are 63 of the top
distributed systems developers
in the Valley,
and we're looking forward
to working with you.
Hooli is the future,
and your future is...
the Box Two.
So, are there
any questions?
Yes?
I'm sorry, but what
if we don't wanna
work on that?
Weird. This is
our flagship product,
but I'm sure we'd
all like to hear what
you would like to work on.
A decentralized Internet,
like we were going to build
with Richard Hendricks.
Actually, that's the one thing
we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?
Sorry. You only hired us
because Pied Piper
wanted us, right?
Untrue. Go on.
And Pied Piper only wanted us
because of our ability to help
build a decentralized Internet.
Can't speak
to that. Continue.
And you're telling us
that even if we want to,
we can't build
a decentralized
Internet here.
May I ask why not?
Because Richard owns
the patent for it.
Yes, third row,
red hoodie.
How did he get it?
I gave it to him.
You in the back?
Why did you do that?
It was a Buddhist act
of selflessness.
Well, I'm also a Buddhist,
and I would never
give him the patent.
I mean, once he builds
that Internet,
he's gonna render
Hooli's entire web-based
ecosystem completely obsolete.
I mean, everything
you're doing here
is antiquated.
That's not a question.
That's a statement.
You know what?
Fuck you guys.
I don't want you
working on my box.
It's too good for you.
"Antiquated"?
Why did you all
take my money then,
you entitled little pricks?
You all think
you're John Lennon
until someone waves
a dollar in your face!
You know what?
Get outta here!
Go on, just wander
the campus for four years
until you vest.
See what I care.
I'm serious! Go! Goodbye!
Thank you very much!
Assholes.
"Antiquated"?
Fuck do they think they are?
I'm in the Innovation
Hall of Fame. Are they?
Speaking of, they sent over
the official inductees portrait.
You and your peers.
Handsome bunch.
Fuck.
Fuck!
So, Mr. Yang--
It's Mr. Jian.
In China,
last name comes first.
Okay. Mr. Jian,
you say that Erlich Bachman
wrote this letter...
to you?
Yes.
"This is Erlich. Hello.
"I am gone,
but Jian-Yang is a very good
friend and very smart.
"I want him to be
the leader of the house
"and control all
of the friends.
Goodbye.
Bachman Erlich."
Yes. I want his house.
Thank you.
Okay, I don't technically
represent Mr. Bachman.
I'm Pied Piper's
corporate counsel,
so my exposure to Bachman
pertains only to his 10%
ownership of the business.
Errich owns 10%
of Pied Piper?
This was not a lie?
Sadly, no,
that's very, very real.
That's worth
a lot of money.
It's promising tech.
One day it could be worth
a shit-ton.
Shit-ton. Yes.
Mr. Jian, you seem
like a good guy.
Um, this letter is
not a legal document.
I mean,
maybe a skilled attorney
could make a case
that in the absence
of an existing will,
this would serve as one
in the case of Bachman's death,
but as far as I can tell,
the guy is not...
Dead.
Yes. Errich is dead.
Do you happen to have...
a death certificate
or any-- any form
of proof of--
Yes.
I can get it now.
Richard:
Our deal with Kira
is for 30 fucking coders.
Where in the hell are
we gonna put them?
Well, I suppose
we could put three more
workstations here,
and then two more over there.
It'd be crowded but cozy.
They'll be
all holed up together
like the Branch Davidians.
Yeah, but, I mean,
are we sure this is
the right thing to do?
I mean, I don't want
to crowd the stallions.
Are we sure taking on
all 30 of Kira's guys
is the right move?
We can get up and running.
They all know each other,
so we won't have to play
the name game.
Yeah.
Ron, hello.
Hey, buddy.
Hang on just a second.
No, the-- the exit is--
the exit is the other way.
God damn it.
Um, Richie, you know
a guy named "Jee
Jan? Uh, no.
Well, I know a "Jan the Man,"
but she's a woman.
Look, did you-- did you talk
to the Optimoji board yet?
Uh, did we close the deal?
Uh, well, a deal closed.
Another bidder came in
with a better offer,
so they went with them.
Richard : What?
Was it Gavin
fucking Belson again?
Ron :
No, it was a new company.
Real smart, clever name.
Sort of a pun
that rhymes.
Oh, hello, dickheads.
I hope I'm not
interrupting your plotting,
you sneaky little dinks.
Kira, you and I had
a deal, okay?
So fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!
Man:
What did he say?
Not you.
Just e-- everyone.
I meant fuck all of you.
No one specific.
Richard,
you low-balled me.
Mmm?
Remember? Well, Duncan here
said he wanted to grow
fast as balls.
He said he was psyched.
Yeah, I am psyched.
I'd hire a million people
if I could.
See, if I have
to sell my company,
I might as well sell it
to the CEO who
actually wants all of us.
It's pizza, Kira.
Richard, we're just
three CEOs trying
to do right by our companies.
Okay, you know what?
I'm glad you turned us down,
because I don't want
to work with anyone
who wants to work
with this... meathead.
I'm taking these.
I'm taking all of them.
Maybe just take one.
You have like four employees.
Richard: Ha!
Ah, shit.
Gavin:
Throw it away.
Patrice, I'd like
to welcome you back
to the Hooli family.
It's wonderful
to be back, Gavin.
Sadly, the timing
couldn't be worse.
Those code-monkeys
I just hired were right
about one thing:
Making Jack's box
the flagship product
of this company
will send us down a path
to technological irrelevance
from which
we will never return.
But in light of the time
and resources
we've invested
in this product,
convincing the board
and our shareholders
to simply scrap it
will be nearly impossible.
Our company is too big
to turn around that quickly.
Gavin, what if you launched
a new product to help us
correct course?
Absolutely. Look at all
the products you've brought
to market over the years.
Gavin:
Hmm. True.
I did invent the HooliPod
and the HooliPad
and the HooliPad Pro,
but a man only has
so many game-changing
inventions in him.
And technically,
all the products he just
named were money-losers.
I mean, you could argue
we'd have been better off
if he'd never invented
any of that stuff.
Hoover.
Hoover:
Sir.
Patrice, can I talk
to you outside
for a second?
Anyway, if Jack Barker's
insidious box is allowed
to go to market,
we may all lose our jobs.
We may all go
the way of Patrice.
But we must fight it.
We cannot sacrifice
our long-term wellbeing
in the interest of paltry,
short-term profits.
Well, they're
not paltry, exactly.
Did you not see
the preorder figures
for the Box Two?
They came in
this morning.
Holy shit.
Are these right?
How many quarters is this?
Just one.
The Box Two will be by far
the most lucrative new product
we've ever released.
Fucking Sliceline.
Plus his fancy,
hi-tech pizza tastes
just like Domino's.
There's a reason for that.
Check out the liner.
Jared:
Oh yeah.
I guess that's Domino's.
We never had pizza
'cause my step-mom said
Italians aren't
real white people.
Hold on. Duncan doesn't
even make his own pizza?
He just orders it
from Domino's
and switches the boxes?
He really is sneaky.
It's not sneaky.
It's stupid.
Switching boxes costs
a lot of money.
Okay. How do you know?
I need to prove
Errich's dead,
so I want to ship
a dead body from China,
but it's hard to find
a white body in China,
especially fat
like Errich,
so I buy a fat,
white cadaver
from Cincinnati
medical school.
But to ship to China,
then switch box,
then ship back,
it's way too much money.
Say that again.
Like, not one word
of that made sense.
Hold on. Just-- ju--
what-- uh...
does anyone--
does anyone know
the price of a Domino's pizza?
A large, 10 bucks.
Okay, well,
Sliceline sells
theirs for nine.
So?
So, we're not fucked yet.
That was
kinda crazy, Richard.
That was--
I mean, you threw
a full-on tantrum.
I know, I know.
I am so sorry.
It's just-- I guess
I'm just a CEO trying
to do right by my company.
Like you guys.
Speaking of business,
wow, we're having a hell
of a night.
Yeah, well, I would know.
About 500 of those orders
tonight are me.
Oh. Richard,
you really didn't
have to do that.
But the peace offering
is super appreciated.
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't really call it
a peace offering.
You see, Duncan,
you took eight mil
in funding, right?
And then you matched
my offer to acquire
Optimoji here from Kira,
but the thing is,
you can't sell your pizzas
for nine bucks a pop
without taking a bath,
can you?
The reboxing,
the double delivery, ugh.
You lose, what,
four bucks an order?
Five, actually.
We're losing
five bucks a pizza?
Yeah.
Only temporarily.
So, her team is
gonna optimize
our order routing
and allocation, and then
we'll be cash-flow positive.
We can easily
turn it around
before we run out
of money.
Right.
Yeah.
Unless a lot of people
buy your pizza
very quickly.
What are--
what are you doing?
Well, Duncan,
I can be a dickhead too.
You see, I have $13 million
in my bank account
and a very low payroll,
which affords me to buy
a lot of tasty 'za
before you can
turn it around.
You're trying
to bankrupt us?
No, Kira. I'm simply trying
to devalue your company,
so that I can make
a low-ball acquisition offer
which you cannot refuse.
Richard, I'm just gonna
delete your account.
You see, my engineers
already thought of that,
and they worked up
a little botnet program.
Thousands of fake users
indistinguishable
from real ones
geolocated perfectly
to maximize drive time
and bleed
your little greasebag
operation dry.
You know,
I may not have
that many coders,
but the ones I do
are stallions,
each one more magnificent
than the last.
Monica:
You spent
$19,000 on pizza?
No, $19,000 on vengeance.
You're acquiring Sliceline
who already acquired Optimoji?
Richard, you're talking
about absorbing a staff of 50.
How are you gonna
spin this to Laurie?
Well, you said
you'd protect me
from Laurie.
I mean, she's your partner.
Are you afraid of her?
Of course
I'm afraid of her.
The woman got pregnant
just to prove to me
that she could do it
without missing
a day of work.
Okay, fair enough,
but maybe this one time
you could take my side.
I cannot take your side.
You're asking
for 50 employees.
Think of the--
Sorry I am late.
Hey, Laurie.
Did you, uh--
Induce?
Yes, this morning...
and here I am.
So, Richard,
I received your email.
I understand you wish
to acquire a company
called... Sliceline,
which themselves
recently acquired
a company called Optimoji.
Yes, and I will be firing
both companies' CEOs
and taking on
a total engineering team
of about, uh, 50.
Fifty?
Monica, you are
okay with this?
Well, it shortens
their runway significantly,
but you did say
that you want them
to grow, Laurie.
Yes, but in this case
it seems...
reckless.
However, if you are
on top of it,
Monica, then...
...approved.
Congratulations.
Great. Thanks.
And congratulations
to you too.
On?
On the-- on your--
on your baby.
Oh.
This is awesome.
Gavin is essentially
doubling-down
on the very thing
we are destroying.
It's like he's giving up.
Maybe I should've ordered
the nicer Tesla.
Dinesh:
Ah.
Oh gosh.
Everyone's here.
Jared: Richard.
So many people.
Richard.
Hey. Hey.
I thought you'd want to give
some opening remarks,
you know, it being
the first day and all,
just to set the tone.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hendricks!
Um...
Um...
Well, it's great
to have everybody
and... so many... f-- faces.
We've got a lot of...
men and women here.
And...
we should remember that.
So, let's keep it clean.
Um...
it's always a challenge...
to get it--
I've got--
I should probably--
more to say in a minute.
I just have to go, one--
one second, in my office...
and then we'll conclude.
Uh, he just needs
a second in his office,
then he's gonna come back.
Oh God.
Don't tell anyone, okay?
Um, Richard, I know--
I know money's tight,
but I think I might invest
in a modesty panel
for your desk.
Richard:
What?
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪
♪ Now, three monkeys sat
in a coconut tree ♪
♪ Discussing things
as they are said to be ♪
♪ Said one to other,
Now listen, you two ♪
♪ There's a certain rumor
that can't be true ♪
♪ That man descended
our noble race ♪
♪ Why, the very idea ♪
♪ Is a big disgrace ♪
♪ And here's another thing ♪
♪ You will never see ♪
♪ A monkey
building a fence ♪
♪ Around a coconut tree ♪
♪ And let the coconuts ♪
♪ Go to waste ♪
♪ Forbidding all
the monkeys ♪
♪ To come and taste ♪
You have petitioned
to become the sole executor
of the estate of Erlich Bachman.
Erlich Bachman is dead.
Oh!
The Optimoji guys
and the Sliceline guys,
they are united against me.
Good news. I'm hearing
that Pied Piper is in freefall.
If I have to build my
entire new internet by myself,
I'll do that.
You have been in a coma
for four years.
-In fact,
I'm a robot.
I'm just joking around!
What, did you sell
your sense of humor?
Come on!
No.
You can build anything
in the world you want
with your compression.
What's it gonna be?
Three, two, one, go.
A-- A new internet.
What
I am your lead investor.
You will respect me as such.
I do not respect you
because you are fat and poor.
So, you're telling me that
the perfect application
of my algorithm belongs
to Gavin fucking Belson?
We need
his patent and his funding.
Eventually, this will render
every server obsolete.
Holy shit.
Welcome to the future, Gavin.
-Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
-Son of a bitch!
I have spoken to our top LPs
to start a new firm.
Would you care to jump ship
with me?
You are, after all,
my best friend.
What?
Gavin just fucked off
to go find himself,
who knows where.
-It's the patent.
He just signed over
full ownership to me.
There's a loud man here
to see you.
Welcome home and congratulations
on getting your business back.
Thank you, and I should
congratulate you
on your breakthrough.
I can help you get
where you wanna go.
I'm pretty sure I know
where I wanna go,
and how to get there.
I shall look forward
to the fight.
Jesus,
what the hell did he order?
Oh... No! No, no, no, no.
Stop! Stop it, stop it.
Oh my God.
These are
our new offices?
Richard:
Yeah. Well, this is
just the lobby.
We're up there
on the second floor, but yup.
These are so nice.
There's a fireplace.
Oh! I am a sucker
for an intuitive
kitchen layout.
Follow me, right up here.
Trust me, you're gonna love it.
Gilfoyle:
It's hard to believe
your pathological inability
to make a decision
finally paid off.
Jared: Wow.
Richard, well done.
Dude! Look
at this place, huh?
Jared:
Oh, I love it.
So, when do
these guys move out?
Oh, no, this isn't
our space.
Our sublease is
straight through here.
Okay.
I welcome you
to Pied Piper's
new home.
Huh
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
It's-- it's very white.
Yeah, it's minimalist,
you know?
Sharp, clean lines.
I was thinking about
maybe putting my desk
here in this corner.
Jared, you over here, right?
Dinesh, Gilfoyle,
maybe up against this wall
or over there.
You know,
just take a minute,
walk around the space,
see where
the mojo takes you.
I mean, we've got
some good feng shui in here.
Really good.
Richard, the plan
was to hire 15 coders
and some assistants
and-- and other staff.
Where exactly
would we put them?
Easy. Right around here.
Look, guys...
the price
is unbelievable.
I'm just happy that
we got to it when we did
before anyone else.
I-- I emphatically vote
that we move on this now,
if we all agree.
I mean,
we do agree, right?
I cannot put this
delicately, so--
Are you fucking
kidding me, dude?
You want us
to work in here?
This is a fucking
black site, Richard!
A black site
would actually be better,
because at least
we'd be protected
by the Geneva Convention.
This is fucking
with my eyes.
Can I get outta here?
Okay, ha-- hang on.
Richard, can I talk to you
for one second,
please, privately?
Richard: Sure.
Ah!
See? Plenty of outlets.
Richard...
what are you doing?
We can easily afford a place
with windows and... air
where you can
maintain a connection
to time and space.
If-- if we spend all
that money, it's gone.
Okay, don't you remember
Jack Barker
squandering all our runway
for those fancy offices
or Russ Hanneman spending
nearly every cent we had
on fucking swag?
I'm sorry, man,
we do not get another chance.
This is it.
Gilfoyle:
There is no point whispering.
We can hear
every fucking word you say
in this sweatbox.
I can hear
you gulping, Richard.
No, you can't.
Richard, it is
my firm opinion
that if we were
to take this space,
our new hires
wouldn't be coding,
they would be having
panic attacks.
No, come on.
I'm doing a really good job
of hiding it,
but I'm having one
right now.
I gotta get
the fuck outta here.
Jared, you okay?
I will not be back.
Wait, guys, hold on.
Jared, I'm gonna get you
some water, okay?
Richard:
Okay, what about this guy,
Chris Berger?
He's a very skilled engineer.
He was very funny
when we met with him.
I think he'd be great.
He was oddly tall,
don't you think?
Gilfoyle:
Yeah, pass.
Alright, what about
Blake Kang?
His beard hair looked
like head hair.
And his head hair
looked like beard hair.
Come on! It's been
a fucking month.
I got us these
expensive-ass offices
because you wanted them,
and now they're just
sitting here, empty,
because you guys
won't agree on anyone.
Look, I'm going
to be seeing
Laurie Bream
at this stupid Innovation
Hall of Fame event tonight,
and she's gonna ask
how hiring is going.
She's 11 months pregnant
and highly irritable.
What am I going
to tell her?
That we've just
been dicking around
the whole time?
We're not dicking around.
Really?
What about this?
Gilfoyle:
Touché.
He sent in
a professional headshot.
We had no choice.
Plus his face looks
like a taint.
Okay, yeah, fair.
But look, I sent you
63 good people.
I spared you kilt guy,
openly alt-right guy,
obviously closeted
alt-right guy,
and the guy
with the stupid
fucking pizza app.
It was so lame,
it would somehow
make you hate pizza.
You have to choose.
Dude, it's easy
for you to say.
You're gonna
be off CEO'ing,
going to fancy galas.
We're the ones who have
to like be in the engine room
with these clowns.
Gilfoyle:
They have to meet
our rigorous standards.
I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.
Just look at them.
There they are.
Stallions.
Gilfoyle:
Each one more magnificent
than the last.
Dinesh:
Perfect.
Yeah, they're glorious,
obviously,
but that's
only three of them,
and they're luxuriating here
in this huge fucking palace
that is costing us a fortune,
so hurry up and pick these
fucking coders,
and stop acting like a couple
of spoiled millionaires.
Alright, Richard,
your tuxedo
is pressed and ready
for the gala.
I put a touch of mint
in the steamer.
You're gonna look
like Richard Gere
from "Pretty Woman."
Maybe tonight you'll fall
for a radiant sex worker.
During my sabbatical
from Hooli,
I toured
the wonders of the world,
seeking inspiration
from mankind's
greatest achievements--
the Parthenon,
Angkor Wat,
the Great Pyramid
of Giza.
But it wasn't
until my flight home
that I had my epiphany.
Yes, those wonders
are visited by thousands
of people every year,
but 2.4 million people
visit HooliSearch
every minute.
God, what a fucking douchebag.
Gavin:
And then it occurred to me.
What I have built is
a far greater achievement,
than any
of the ancient world.
And the ideal version
of myself
was the man
I already was.
Thank you.
Richard?
Richard Hendricks.
Oh. Huh? Okay.
Yeah, hi, Duncan.
Yeah.
Me and my guys were
just talking about you
and your pizza app.
Oh yeah. I bet.
Our algorithm finds you
the cheapest, fastest pizza,
and it's-- it's awesome.
Yeah.
It's actually so awesome...
Definitely.
that-- oh man, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna have to pull
my resume.
Oh, you're pulling your--
Oh no.
Yeah, I just don't feel
as psyched about it
as I do about Sliceline.
Sliceline?
That's the name
of your app?
Yeah.
Oh God.
Great.
Yeah, it's a pun.
Is it?
Yeah. It rhymes
with Priceline.
Okay. Just--
so, it rhymes? Okay.
Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.
Anyway, there might be
some major VCs around here,
so I gotta go mingle.
Okay.
It's the-- it's the worst part
of this job. Am I right?
I'm kidding.
It's the best part of the job.
Okay.
What an asshole.
Richard.
Gavin, hello.
Don't you look cute
in your Sunday best?
How's that little
bunny Internet going?
Mmm. New Internet. New.
Unlike your old Internet.
You know, I'm glad
I ran into you, Richard.
I was actually
starting to feel bad
about what I did today.
Oh
Invent the MOSFET
transistor
It's old technology.
It's very old, like you.
No. I've heard that
you're trying to staff up.
Over the past few months,
you've met with just about
every distributed systems
developer in the Valley.
Okay, well, not everyone.
63 of them,
and as of 4:30 p.m.
this afternoon,
I hired them,
all 63 of them.
Yeah, I had to pay
through the nose,
but you know what?
♪ ♪That look right there
on your face?
It makes it worth
every penny.
You know what?
Enjoy the reception, Richard.
You too.
Jared:
Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.
He hired all of them.
Even my boy
Blake Kang?
He was a good one.
I'm sorry, uh, your boy?
I thought his hair
was backwards?
You guys were lukewarm
on him and everybody else
for all kinds of stupid reasons.
Well, now that they're
unavailable, their strengths
are more readily apparent.
And I don't want
to point fingers,
but we wouldn't be here
if you hadn't let
Gilfoyle and me waste
so much time being picky.
What? I was dying
to move faster.
I was just respecting
your process.
Our process sucks.
Your inability
to stop us from sucking
is a failure
of leadership.
At least we still
have the stallions.
Ah. Those stallions.
Look at 'em.
Magnificent.
Sit back down.
Just sit in your chairs.
Jared, um...
call alt-right guy
and cologne boy
and all the other rejects,
and... set meetings.
Well, I did a little digging
on the alt-right guy,
and he's pretty involved
in a campaign to eliminate
black emojis,
but there might
be another option.
Do you remember
Kira Pickford?
Yes, actually.
Yeah, good coder,
but she had her own company.
Well, that's true, except
that her company, Optimoji,
just lost
their second round
of funding,
so they're basically
on life support.
So?
So, what if, instead
of building a team,
we acquired one?
Dinesh:
But Optimoji has 30 people.
We only need 12.
Well, we'll just insist
that she let the other 18 go.
We have a lot of leverage.
Richard is a shrewd negotiator,
and I'm, you know, spirited.
Look, Kira,
this is a fair offer.
But... I've got
30 great guys.
We're like family,
and you only wanna
bring along 12?
I have to do
what's right by my guys.
Look, I know what
it's like to only be able
to rescue half your family,
and it's awful,
but what can you do?
Shh, shh.
Sometimes
there's only one--
Jared, okay, stop.
Um, look, Kira,
you're not gonna find
a better deal than that.
Your company
is close to bankruptcy
and we all know that there
are a lotta coders out there
in this old town,
and we could go
to any of 'em,
but we wanna
go to you, so...
kinda feels like we've got
all the cards here, huh?
Richard.
You keep following me,
I'm gonna call
the cops.
I'm just kidding.
Oh.
Hey, I'm Duncan.
Hey. Kira.
Hey, guess what company
just got his Series "A"
Term Sheet
Oh, the Sliceline.
Congrats, yeah.
Duncan: Yeah, we're
staffing up like crazy.
Speaking of staffing,
how about all those coders
you lost, man?
I'm sorry.
That must've been
a real blow.
What coders?
Um, I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be rude,
but this is boring.
Thank God
I didn't accept
your offer.
I'd be the only guy
working for you
now that Gavin Belson
swooped in
and tactically mass-hired
every single
distributed systems
engineer you were looking at.
Gavin hired all
of Richard's coders?
Not everyone.
Not everyone.
Yup. The guy is savage,
and so are my guys
if they don't get
their caffeine,
so nice meeting you, Kira.
Cool. Cool, cool.
What were you saying
about holding all the cards?
All of my coders
or none of them.
Take it or leave it.
Dinesh:
What?
Gilfoyle:
What the fuck?
Do you have--
Do you--
Dinesh:
Jian-Yang!
Jian-Yang...
would you please explain
why we each found
some random Chinese guy
asleep in our beds?
Yes, you work all day.
Your rooms are always empty,
so they use.
The fuck they do.
Yes, it's not your house.
This is not
your house either,
Jian-Yang.
This is Erlich's house.
Do you think Erlich would
want your guys here?
No. That's why I invite them,
because I hate Errich.
We are not Erlich.
You are from Errich's
administration.
No, we are not.
Nobody has heard
from Erlich in months.
This isn't working.
I'm gonna drag your cousin
the fuck outta my lair.
Jian-Yang:
No, this is my cousin.
Engineers, welcome.
You are 63 of the top
distributed systems developers
in the Valley,
and we're looking forward
to working with you.
Hooli is the future,
and your future is...
the Box Two.
So, are there
any questions?
Yes?
I'm sorry, but what
if we don't wanna
work on that?
Weird. This is
our flagship product,
but I'm sure we'd
all like to hear what
you would like to work on.
A decentralized Internet,
like we were going to build
with Richard Hendricks.
Actually, that's the one thing
we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?
Sorry. You only hired us
because Pied Piper
wanted us, right?
Untrue. Go on.
And Pied Piper only wanted us
because of our ability to help
build a decentralized Internet.
Can't speak
to that. Continue.
And you're telling us
that even if we want to,
we can't build
a decentralized
Internet here.
May I ask why not?
Because Richard owns
the patent for it.
Yes, third row,
red hoodie.
How did he get it?
I gave it to him.
You in the back?
Why did you do that?
It was a Buddhist act
of selflessness.
Well, I'm also a Buddhist,
and I would never
give him the patent.
I mean, once he builds
that Internet,
he's gonna render
Hooli's entire web-based
ecosystem completely obsolete.
I mean, everything
you're doing here
is antiquated.
That's not a question.
That's a statement.
You know what?
Fuck you guys.
I don't want you
working on my box.
It's too good for you.
"Antiquated"?
Why did you all
take my money then,
you entitled little pricks?
You all think
you're John Lennon
until someone waves
a dollar in your face!
You know what?
Get outta here!
Go on, just wander
the campus for four years
until you vest.
See what I care.
I'm serious! Go! Goodbye!
Thank you very much!
Assholes.
"Antiquated"?
Fuck do they think they are?
I'm in the Innovation
Hall of Fame. Are they?
Speaking of, they sent over
the official inductees portrait.
You and your peers.
Handsome bunch.
Fuck.
Fuck!
So, Mr. Yang--
It's Mr. Jian.
In China,
last name comes first.
Okay. Mr. Jian,
you say that Erlich Bachman
wrote this letter...
to you?
Yes.
"This is Erlich. Hello.
"I am gone,
but Jian-Yang is a very good
friend and very smart.
"I want him to be
the leader of the house
"and control all
of the friends.
Goodbye.
Bachman Erlich."
Yes. I want his house.
Thank you.
Okay, I don't technically
represent Mr. Bachman.
I'm Pied Piper's
corporate counsel,
so my exposure to Bachman
pertains only to his 10%
ownership of the business.
Errich owns 10%
of Pied Piper?
This was not a lie?
Sadly, no,
that's very, very real.
That's worth
a lot of money.
It's promising tech.
One day it could be worth
a shit-ton.
Shit-ton. Yes.
Mr. Jian, you seem
like a good guy.
Um, this letter is
not a legal document.
I mean,
maybe a skilled attorney
could make a case
that in the absence
of an existing will,
this would serve as one
in the case of Bachman's death,
but as far as I can tell,
the guy is not...
Dead.
Yes. Errich is dead.
Do you happen to have...
a death certificate
or any-- any form
of proof of--
Yes.
I can get it now.
Richard:
Our deal with Kira
is for 30 fucking coders.
Where in the hell are
we gonna put them?
Well, I suppose
we could put three more
workstations here,
and then two more over there.
It'd be crowded but cozy.
They'll be
all holed up together
like the Branch Davidians.
Yeah, but, I mean,
are we sure this is
the right thing to do?
I mean, I don't want
to crowd the stallions.
Are we sure taking on
all 30 of Kira's guys
is the right move?
We can get up and running.
They all know each other,
so we won't have to play
the name game.
Yeah.
Ron, hello.
Hey, buddy.
Hang on just a second.
No, the-- the exit is--
the exit is the other way.
God damn it.
Um, Richie, you know
a guy named "Jee
Jan? Uh, no.
Well, I know a "Jan the Man,"
but she's a woman.
Look, did you-- did you talk
to the Optimoji board yet?
Uh, did we close the deal?
Uh, well, a deal closed.
Another bidder came in
with a better offer,
so they went with them.
Richard : What?
Was it Gavin
fucking Belson again?
Ron :
No, it was a new company.
Real smart, clever name.
Sort of a pun
that rhymes.
Oh, hello, dickheads.
I hope I'm not
interrupting your plotting,
you sneaky little dinks.
Kira, you and I had
a deal, okay?
So fuck you, fuck you,
and fuck you!
Man:
What did he say?
Not you.
Just e-- everyone.
I meant fuck all of you.
No one specific.
Richard,
you low-balled me.
Mmm?
Remember? Well, Duncan here
said he wanted to grow
fast as balls.
He said he was psyched.
Yeah, I am psyched.
I'd hire a million people
if I could.
See, if I have
to sell my company,
I might as well sell it
to the CEO who
actually wants all of us.
It's pizza, Kira.
Richard, we're just
three CEOs trying
to do right by our companies.
Okay, you know what?
I'm glad you turned us down,
because I don't want
to work with anyone
who wants to work
with this... meathead.
I'm taking these.
I'm taking all of them.
Maybe just take one.
You have like four employees.
Richard: Ha!
Ah, shit.
Gavin:
Throw it away.
Patrice, I'd like
to welcome you back
to the Hooli family.
It's wonderful
to be back, Gavin.
Sadly, the timing
couldn't be worse.
Those code-monkeys
I just hired were right
about one thing:
Making Jack's box
the flagship product
of this company
will send us down a path
to technological irrelevance
from which
we will never return.
But in light of the time
and resources
we've invested
in this product,
convincing the board
and our shareholders
to simply scrap it
will be nearly impossible.
Our company is too big
to turn around that quickly.
Gavin, what if you launched
a new product to help us
correct course?
Absolutely. Look at all
the products you've brought
to market over the years.
Gavin:
Hmm. True.
I did invent the HooliPod
and the HooliPad
and the HooliPad Pro,
but a man only has
so many game-changing
inventions in him.
And technically,
all the products he just
named were money-losers.
I mean, you could argue
we'd have been better off
if he'd never invented
any of that stuff.
Hoover.
Hoover:
Sir.
Patrice, can I talk
to you outside
for a second?
Anyway, if Jack Barker's
insidious box is allowed
to go to market,
we may all lose our jobs.
We may all go
the way of Patrice.
But we must fight it.
We cannot sacrifice
our long-term wellbeing
in the interest of paltry,
short-term profits.
Well, they're
not paltry, exactly.
Did you not see
the preorder figures
for the Box Two?
They came in
this morning.
Holy shit.
Are these right?
How many quarters is this?
Just one.
The Box Two will be by far
the most lucrative new product
we've ever released.
Fucking Sliceline.
Plus his fancy,
hi-tech pizza tastes
just like Domino's.
There's a reason for that.
Check out the liner.
Jared:
Oh yeah.
I guess that's Domino's.
We never had pizza
'cause my step-mom said
Italians aren't
real white people.
Hold on. Duncan doesn't
even make his own pizza?
He just orders it
from Domino's
and switches the boxes?
He really is sneaky.
It's not sneaky.
It's stupid.
Switching boxes costs
a lot of money.
Okay. How do you know?
I need to prove
Errich's dead,
so I want to ship
a dead body from China,
but it's hard to find
a white body in China,
especially fat
like Errich,
so I buy a fat,
white cadaver
from Cincinnati
medical school.
But to ship to China,
then switch box,
then ship back,
it's way too much money.
Say that again.
Like, not one word
of that made sense.
Hold on. Just-- ju--
what-- uh...
does anyone--
does anyone know
the price of a Domino's pizza?
A large, 10 bucks.
Okay, well,
Sliceline sells
theirs for nine.
So?
So, we're not fucked yet.
That was
kinda crazy, Richard.
That was--
I mean, you threw
a full-on tantrum.
I know, I know.
I am so sorry.
It's just-- I guess
I'm just a CEO trying
to do right by my company.
Like you guys.
Speaking of business,
wow, we're having a hell
of a night.
Yeah, well, I would know.
About 500 of those orders
tonight are me.
Oh. Richard,
you really didn't
have to do that.
But the peace offering
is super appreciated.
Yeah, well,
I wouldn't really call it
a peace offering.
You see, Duncan,
you took eight mil
in funding, right?
And then you matched
my offer to acquire
Optimoji here from Kira,
but the thing is,
you can't sell your pizzas
for nine bucks a pop
without taking a bath,
can you?
The reboxing,
the double delivery, ugh.
You lose, what,
four bucks an order?
Five, actually.
We're losing
five bucks a pizza?
Yeah.
Only temporarily.
So, her team is
gonna optimize
our order routing
and allocation, and then
we'll be cash-flow positive.
We can easily
turn it around
before we run out
of money.
Right.
Yeah.
Unless a lot of people
buy your pizza
very quickly.
What are--
what are you doing?
Well, Duncan,
I can be a dickhead too.
You see, I have $13 million
in my bank account
and a very low payroll,
which affords me to buy
a lot of tasty 'za
before you can
turn it around.
You're trying
to bankrupt us?
No, Kira. I'm simply trying
to devalue your company,
so that I can make
a low-ball acquisition offer
which you cannot refuse.
Richard, I'm just gonna
delete your account.
You see, my engineers
already thought of that,
and they worked up
a little botnet program.
Thousands of fake users
indistinguishable
from real ones
geolocated perfectly
to maximize drive time
and bleed
your little greasebag
operation dry.
You know,
I may not have
that many coders,
but the ones I do
are stallions,
each one more magnificent
than the last.
Monica:
You spent
$19,000 on pizza?
No, $19,000 on vengeance.
You're acquiring Sliceline
who already acquired Optimoji?
Richard, you're talking
about absorbing a staff of 50.
How are you gonna
spin this to Laurie?
Well, you said
you'd protect me
from Laurie.
I mean, she's your partner.
Are you afraid of her?
Of course
I'm afraid of her.
The woman got pregnant
just to prove to me
that she could do it
without missing
a day of work.
Okay, fair enough,
but maybe this one time
you could take my side.
I cannot take your side.
You're asking
for 50 employees.
Think of the--
Sorry I am late.
Hey, Laurie.
Did you, uh--
Induce?
Yes, this morning...
and here I am.
So, Richard,
I received your email.
I understand you wish
to acquire a company
called... Sliceline,
which themselves
recently acquired
a company called Optimoji.
Yes, and I will be firing
both companies' CEOs
and taking on
a total engineering team
of about, uh, 50.
Fifty?
Monica, you are
okay with this?
Well, it shortens
their runway significantly,
but you did say
that you want them
to grow, Laurie.
Yes, but in this case
it seems...
reckless.
However, if you are
on top of it,
Monica, then...
...approved.
Congratulations.
Great. Thanks.
And congratulations
to you too.
On?
On the-- on your--
on your baby.
Oh.
This is awesome.
Gavin is essentially
doubling-down
on the very thing
we are destroying.
It's like he's giving up.
Maybe I should've ordered
the nicer Tesla.
Dinesh:
Ah.
Oh gosh.
Everyone's here.
Jared: Richard.
So many people.
Richard.
Hey. Hey.
I thought you'd want to give
some opening remarks,
you know, it being
the first day and all,
just to set the tone.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hendricks!
Um...
Um...
Well, it's great
to have everybody
and... so many... f-- faces.
We've got a lot of...
men and women here.
And...
we should remember that.
So, let's keep it clean.
Um...
it's always a challenge...
to get it--
I've got--
I should probably--
more to say in a minute.
I just have to go, one--
one second, in my office...
and then we'll conclude.
Uh, he just needs
a second in his office,
then he's gonna come back.
Oh God.
Don't tell anyone, okay?
Um, Richard, I know--
I know money's tight,
but I think I might invest
in a modesty panel
for your desk.
Richard:
What?
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪
♪ Now, three monkeys sat
in a coconut tree ♪
♪ Discussing things
as they are said to be ♪
♪ Said one to other,
Now listen, you two ♪
♪ There's a certain rumor
that can't be true ♪
♪ That man descended
our noble race ♪
♪ Why, the very idea ♪
♪ Is a big disgrace ♪
♪ And here's another thing ♪
♪ You will never see ♪
♪ A monkey
building a fence ♪
♪ Around a coconut tree ♪
♪ And let the coconuts ♪
♪ Go to waste ♪
♪ Forbidding all
the monkeys ♪
♪ To come and taste ♪
You have petitioned
to become the sole executor
of the estate of Erlich Bachman.
Erlich Bachman is dead.
Oh!
The Optimoji guys
and the Sliceline guys,
they are united against me.
Good news. I'm hearing
that Pied Piper is in freefall.
If I have to build my
entire new internet by myself,
I'll do that.
You have been in a coma
for four years.
-In fact,
I'm a robot.
I'm just joking around!
What, did you sell
your sense of humor?
Come on!
No.