Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Reorientation - full transcript

I sent you 63 good people.
You have to choose.

They have
to meet our rigorous standards.

I mean, look at the three
we've already hired.

Stallions.

Hooli is the future,
and your future is...

The Box 2.
Are there any questions?

Everything you're doing here
is antiquated.

Fuck you guys.
Get out of here.

You wish to acquire
a company called Sliceline?

I will be taking on a total
engineering team of about 50.

Um... Wha...



Don't
tell anyone, okay? -Um...

My Tesla finally came.

Was that a wise purchase?

Considering Richard just

obliterated Pied Piper's runway
hiring all those coders?

I ordered it a month ago.

But still, it's an investment.

As I understand,

cars depreciate
10 percent

as soon as they
fall off the truck.

Like that.

So if the car costs $100,

well you just lost $10.

Did it cost $100?



Or more?

It's not about the money.

I, my friend, am now part

of the green revolution.

Are you?

Most electricity
still comes from

gas plants and
coal-burning smoke stacks.

Do you know where
your electricity comes from?

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

Look how shiny it is.

Plus, it has a frunk...

A front trunk.

Here, hop in, let me
give you a ride to work.

Dinesh,

you like this?

Jesus fucking Christ!

- Is that a dead pig?
- Yes.

It's just like Errich.

My corrupt uncle

sent a death certificate

from China

but to send body
is too expensive.

So...

I cremate a pig

because a pig is
most like a fat human.

I gotta get to work.

Dinesh...

can you take
pig to backyard?

I need to burn it.

No.

That's odd.

You left before me.

How was I able
to park before you?

I guess all 50
of the new employees

decided to show up
bright and early

for the fucking
all-hands meeting.

I had to park on level five.

Huh! So unlike you,

the world understands

that I'm saving the planet

and has rewarded me with...

primo spot.

Congratulations.

You've finally taken
your rightful spot

amongst the handicapped.

*SILICON VALLEY*
Season 05 Episode 02
Episode Title : "Reorientation"

Is it broken?

Uh, no.
I think I'm okay.

One question,
what the fuck happened?

'Cause... you were
doing your speech

right there in front
of the whole company,

and then...

Wow.

Well...

uh, my speech was going poorly.

- Agreed.
- Yeah.

And I started to panic.

With good reason.

And then...

all of a sudden, I...

I thought I had
to shit my pants, okay?

And that's why you jumped

face first into
a glass wall?

No, it all happened so fast,

but... essentially, I thought,

if it was gonna happen,
I didn't want to be standing.

So, I crouched, because...

If you wanna
shit yourself,

you'd rather be
crouching than standing?

Yes. I mean, if you had to.

I hate to say this,
but I follow you.

The thing is, when I
crouched, I had to burp.

But since I was all,
you know, tucked up,

I actually
vomited a little.

And then, that's when my
fight-or-flight reflex kicked in.

Do you ever fight?

Okay, fine, then my "or flight"
reflex kicked in and I just...

Pow.
Yeah.

Okay. Well, what we saw
was a very oily man

in mid-sentence dip down,

vomit, and then
thrust himself violently

face first into
a glass wall.

But I guess it's a lot
less embarrassing

the way you explain it.

Richard, what about...

Did you evacuate
in your pants?

Oh, no, uh, good news.

I think what happened
when I hit the glass,

I sort of shocked myself.

Now, I don't have to.

That's actually
kind of disappointing,

because, like,
no closure.

Well, on the bright side,
it'll be that much easier

to get you cleaned up
and back out there.

What? I have you scheduled for
three more days of orientation.

No way. Cancel them.

There's no way
I'm going back out there.

Especially after knowing
what they saw.

No, fuck it. Plus, I'm...
I'm way too busy, so.

Gentlemen, could we
have the room please?

So we can leave?
Sweet.

Richard,
look out there.

There's Optimoji and Sliceline
t-shirts left and right.

These are conquered soldiers
still in their old uniforms.

But we need everyone here
to be Pied Pipers.

I mean, you're asking them

to spend the primes
of their lives on your vision.

Right? And you need to go
out there and lead them.

They're... they're yearning
for inspiration.

I can't do inspiration.

I'm a coder.

Look there,
the new Internet.

That's inspiration.
Use that.

Richard, this is all an idea.

And people don't
wanna follow an idea,

they wanna follow a leader.

Look at the last guy
to create a new Internet.

Al Gore.

His ideas were excellent,

but he talked like a
narcoleptic plantation owner,

so he lost the presidency
to a fake cowboy

and now he makes
apocalypse porn.

Look, the point is, you
need to lead with passion.

When you set your mind to it,

you're one of the most charismatic
people I've ever met.

And I have met Ira Glass.

I know it's three days
we could be working,

but ultimately, a unified team
will save us time in the end.

You wanna save time?

If you wanna save time,
here's what you do.

You said it yourself,
okay, the Optimoji guys

and the Sliceline guys
are separate,

with their own
separate histories,

their own separate
shorthands,

so let's use that.

Let's give the scheduler
to the Optimoji guys,

and the server-less runtime
to the Sliceline guys.

Then we have Dinesh and Gilfoyle and the
Stallions, they do the integration.

Boom, we're off and running.
How about that?

That way, no one has to
shit or burp or puke

or get a nosebleed
in front of anyone.

As for the bezel design,
our young aesthete, Dang,

has once again spun gold.

Let's see it.

Wait, my signature's not on it?

How could it be the Gavin
Belson Signature Box III

without Gavin Belson's
signature on it?

Well, the word "signature"
has a handwritten feel to it.

Why is my signature
not on this?

Gavin, there was a slight
issue with your signature.

What issue?

Do you have a mock
Pull it up.

Ah, yes! There.

What's wrong with that?

Well, reactions to this from
our testing groups were mixed,

so we contacted
a handwriting expert.

And, uh, well...

Jean, do you
have the report?

Absolutely.

Pleasure to be on your team, Gavin.
Here it is.

"The signature
displayed troubling traits.

"Left of upright slant,

"narrow angles,
tense strokes,

conclusively indicative
of sociopathic tendencies."

- What?
- "Characterized by

"a lack of empathy
and need to dominate,

"a willingness to hurt others
to achieve one's goals.

Inability to accept bad news..."

- Hoover?
- Sir?

Get this horrible women
the fuck out of my office, now.

What the fuck is that?

It's the cheapest thing
I could find

that qualified
as an electric vehicle.

I found it on Craigslist.

Now you get to park
on the fifth floor.

Enjoy the drive.

Oh, and you were right...

it does feel good to be
a part of the green revolution.

Oh, yeah? Well, does that
"vehicle" have "Insane Mode"?

One press of a button

and I go zero to 60
in 3.2...

What a day.

See, we'd still be
finishing up orientation,

singing Kumbayas
and doing trust falls.

But instead,

both our Optimoji
and Sliceline teams

have gone through
their first code review.

Well, to be fair, I never
would've scheduled trust falls.

I mean, you do one of those,
you're so jacked up on adrenaline,

the rest of the day
is basically shot.

We were gonna have a noncompetitive
talent show with no losers.

Not possible.

Dick, I just got in
and checked the commits.

Are you aware
that the Sliceline guys

have been encoding time
in nanoseconds,

as we usually do,

but the Optimoji guys
have been using milliseconds?

What?

Just the fact that
we're still calling them

Sliceline guys
and Optimoji guys

is sending up
all sorts of red flags.

And I don't even
mean the word "guys,"

which I just learned
is a micro-aggression.

It's fine, "guys."

I will get them
to re-factor their code.

We're still ahead
of where we'd be

if we were doing
some kind of talent show.

Richard? Gilfoyle parked
his electric pile of trash

in my Tesla's spot.

Do you think that's fair?

Not now, Dinesh.

Why can't you guys
switch to milliseconds?

Why do we have to change?

Sorry, well, our entire
code base uses nanoseconds.

And you didn't think it was
important to tell us this?

No, well, I mean, it was...

It was part of the orientation
that was scheduled,

which had to be,

for numerous reasons,
uh, canceled.

And I'm sorry about that,
I know it sucks.

If I could make it
suck less, I would, but...

You could get some
decent coffee in here.

What? What's wrong with...

Philz Coffee?
That's high-end joe, bro.

At Optimoji, we had Stumptown
brought in every day.

So that would inspire you?
Different coffee?

Inspire us?

You know what?
Bup, bup, bup!

Stumptown it is.
You got it.

And you'll tell your guys
about the nanoseconds?

Yeah.
Unless you wanna

get up in front of everyone
and announce it yourself.

No, no, no,
I'd rather you...

That was a joke.

Your speech was a disaster.

Oh.
Yeah.

You know. Yeah.

It was really bad.

I know.

Okay, Mr. Jian, you have
petitioned this court

to become the sole executor

of the estate of Erlich Bachman,
is that correct?

Yes.

I see you've got
all the paperwork, here.

Yes. Errich Bachman
is dead.

Oh! Um...

Mr. Jian, there's
absolutely no need

to display
the deceased remains.

You can put that away.

- I have it.
- Yes.

Please put it down.

Errich Bachman
is cremated...

into ashes.

And I put it in bucket.

Put it down, sir.

Now, have you determined

to a reasonable
degree of certainty

that Mr. Bachman has
no living next of kin?

No wife,
children, parents,

no brothers, sisters,

nieces, nephews,
grandparents,

children from
a predeceased spouse

or domestic partnership?

No.

He died alone.

He's a very sad man.

So, I have a...

a house
and a 10% Pied Piper.

In the absence
of any next of kin,

I will approve you
as the sole beneficiary

and the official executor
of Mr. Bachman's estate.

But, before you can distribute
any of his assets

into your personal possession,

you are required to settle all
claims against the estate.

Do you understand?

So I get a house
and a 10% Pied Piper?

You need to pay all
of his outstanding bills.

How much do I have to pay?

Well, these debts can
sometimes be substantial.

Would you
characterize Mr. Bachman

as a financially
responsible man?

Hey, Sliceline guys,
what's up? Heh.

So... Um,

wanted to talk to
you guys about something.

Past couple days,

the Optimoji guys have really
stepped up their game,

but, um, you guys...

have kind of been flagging.

I'm just wondering if
everything's all right.

Yeah. Great.

Just nice to know
where we stand.

Sorry?
We get it.

You only acquired Sliceline
because you wanted Optimoji.

What

No, wrong.

Uh, why would you say that?

I didn't. You did,

when you chose
their coffee over ours.

It's bad enough
we can't have Slice here.

Slice?

The beverage?

No, no. Slice was our mascot.

He's really smart.

Okay, well...

Bring the little guy in.

What about the no dog policy?

What no dog policy, huh?

Really? Are you sure you don't
need to check with Optimoji?

I'm pretty sure,
but, uh...

Danny

- What?
- Uh, I just was wondering

if you're cool
if the Sliceline guys

- brought in their dog.
- He's really smart.

Well at Optimoji,
we had a no dog policy.

Come on.
Don't be such a dork.

Let 'em have it.
It's just a dog.

Sure. Fine.

You're the CEO.

Yes, I am.

All right.

And from this point on,

CEO stands for
Canine Endorsement...

Oh... yeah.

All right.

Hey, look at you
and your 10-speed.

Aw, you got up early 'cause you
thought you could take my space.

That's cute.

Almost as cute as your bike.

Yeah, I guess
this is a bike, isn't it?

So I get to use the bike lane.

See you later.

No, bikes still have
to follow traffic laws!

That's not fair!

All right.
You wanna get insane?

Let's get insane.

Whoa!

Fuck you, Gilfoyle!

Something's wrong
with your frunk.

It's all frucked up.

Hey, Tesla!

You know
where Pied Piper is?

Right here, guys.

What the fuck?

Dick?

Hey, uh...

Explain.
Okay, uh...

So, Optimoji had
a no dog policy

and apparently that's because
every single one of 'em

have a fucking dog.

And when we waived our
no dog policy...

You waived our no dog policy?

I had Jared put that in there
for a reason, Richard!

In Pakistan,
dogs are not pets, okay?

They're vicious beasts

and they chase you
down the street

and they bite you.

My cousin Eftahar
lost an ear.

Our mayor was
very corrupt.

But he put poison pills
in chicken meat

to take care
of the dog problem.

We hailed him as a hero.

We put up statues
of him everywhere.

He's gonna be okay.

Who's gonna be okay?

- What?
- Stallion down!

He's violently
allergic to dogs.

It's another reason for our
iron-clad no dog policy.

Jared, when were you planning
on telling me all of this?

Day two of orientation.

Right after safe space charades.

So look, we'll pay for your
entire medical bill, obviously.

So, you're good.

You're covering
his deductible?

Then you have
to cover ours, right?

And what about the dogs?
They're people, too.

They're literally not.

They're dogs!

Hold strong.

Fuck you!

Oh.
So...

Jared, uh, you wanted me
to unite the teams and I have.

They are united against me.

Even the dogs,
apparently.

I wish they had
your fecal fortitude.

Hey, do me a favor and...

just take care of all the dogs.

And then call an all-hands.

I've clearly gotta
say words.

Ooh, okay.

Really didn't wanna
be back up here, again.

And I think we all
remember why, you know?

But you probably don't know
this, but I almost sh...

They don't need to...

Farted. Yeah.

Which would be embarrassing.

Anyway, look, uh...

I know I...

should be the inspiration
for you guys,

but to be honest,
that's not really who I am.

And if this company
lives or dies

by all the flowery
things I say,

well then, to be honest,
we're fucked. Ha.

They say that...

people don't follow ideas.

But I think in this case,
you guys should.

Because...

the idea of creating
a new Internet,

that's special.

Right? And we've been
given the opportunity

to rewrite...

the most important thing
in human history.

And we can build it

the way it should've
been made all along.

You know, not this
shitty, addictive parasite

that companies like
Hooli use to spy on us

and exploit us.

Okay?

There.
That's your inspiration.

Not me.

Not coffee. Not dogs. So...

if I'm not inspirational
enough for you,

and if you don't
wanna be here,

well, then,
there's the door.

And we'll give you
enough severance

to cover you to your next job.

But if you wanna stick around
and build this thing,

then we've got work to do.

Great job.

So what's going on?
I hear footsteps.

Are... are people
sitting back down, or...?

Okay, they're picking
up their bags.

That could be good.

Okay. So, what,
they're leaving, or...?

A few are.

Okay, what's a few?

It's more than a few.

What's that mean? Like,
what's more than a few, five?

Double digits?

It might be easier to
say how many are staying.

It's, uh...

It's two.

What?

Okay.

So, uh,

Richard, what...
What do you wanna do here?

What are you talking about?
I'm doing it.

Sorry?
I'm a coder, Jared.

So I'm gonna code.

And if I have to build my entire
new fucking internet by myself,

I'll do that, so...

Oh, dear.

I like it.

It's just so edgy.

Banksy is a very
edgy artist.

The edgiest.

What is this?

Banksy is insisting his
signature be on his work.

This is supposed
to be my signature.

On what planet does a signature
have a signature on it?

I'm afraid it's
non-negotiable.

The fucking balls
on this egomaniac.

You know what?
Fuck Banksy.

We're on a campus
full of literally thousands

of the greatest
creative minds in the world.

Let's just crowd source it with our
employees. We'll make it a contest.

People will feel empowered
and part of the team.

And it won't cost us shit.

You see? This is what
a benevolent leader does.

Make it happen.

Sir, is this a good time?

It's a great time.
I just fired Banksy.

Banksy, the vandal?

The very one. Now,
what do you have for me?

Good news.

I'm hearing that Pied Piper
is in a free-fall.

From whom? All I can say
without implicating you

is that I've instituted
an operation

to safeguard our interests.

I'm calling it
"Project Washburn."

What I'm planning to...

Hoover, you're
implicating me.

Are we bad people for leaving
Richard there to work by himself?

We've been coding
for 48 hours straight.

I could give a shit about
deontological ethics.

Yang.

There better not be
a Chinaman in my bed.

That is racist.

Yes.

I am racist.

Stupid Errich.

Big mortgage.

Seven credit cards.

Not even one with miles.

Fucking loser.

It almost not worth
to take his house from him.

Fat fuck.

Speaking of crazy bills,

you know how much it's going
to cost to fix my Tesla?

$17,000.

I can't afford to pay that.

But I can't afford
not to pay it.

If I don't fix my Tesla,

Gilfoyle wins.

And I need to really
shove it up his ass.

Wait.

Do I really hate
someone so much

that defeating them
is worth more than money?

Is that really
what I've become?

Yeah, it is.

I'm gonna pay it.

Thanks, Jian-Yang.

I'll pay, too.

Fuck you, Errich.

You can't just
leave your bike-car

in my Tesla's spot
and Uber home.

That's not fair, Gilfoyle.

Mmm, you don't seem
to understand.

It's my spot now.

What are they doing back?

Hey. Where have you been?

Sleeping.

What

We assumed you guys were right behind us.
What's happening?

Oh!

Something.

Something is happening.

When you left,
I thought he was fried.

Okay? Because his shoulders
were all tight,

and he wouldn't answer
to his name,

and his eyes went dead,

like when I tell him
I love him.

But then, he just got stronger

and he started
picking up speed,

so I texted a few
of the Sliceline guys

and then they texted
some of the Optimoji guys,

and they all
wanted to see it.

Richard has finished
the scheduler

and is almost
ready to merge

the server-less runtime.
Look, look!

He implemented
all those tasks?

By himself?

That was supposed to take
the whole team four days.

It's amazing.
I mean, I feel...

I feel like Mary Magdalene
on resurrection day.

And that's not
the greatest miracle of all.

Look. Look at the coders.

They're all wearing
Pied Piper hoodies.

He pushed another commit.

What the fuck?

Flawless. Right?

Um, it takes a while
to read a whole commit.

They've been cheering
after every commit.

I mean, they haven't,
but it's...

It's great.

I thought I
had to shit my pants.

So, I crouched.

I actually vomited.

Fight-or-flight reflex
kicked in and I just...

Richard!

Richard?

Richard?

Hey, buddy boy.

Oh, there he is.

What's...
What's going on?

Don't flip out, okay?

But you have been
in a coma for four years.

What?

That's correct.

In fact,
I'm a robot.

The real Dr. Crawford
died heroically

in the water wars of 2020.

Jokes, Richard!

I'm just joking around.

What, did you sell
your sense of humor?

You've just been out
for about six hours.

You were not even unconscious,
really just asleep.

But you did lose
a whole lot of blood.

I just hope they
put the right kind back in.

Wait, are you
still riffing?

I don't know.

Richard, here's the bad news,

your arms and your torso

took the brunt of the glass.

If you'd cut your face up some,

we could've gotten insurance
to pay for a whole remodel.

Gotta, you know...

give the old schnozzle
a much-needed trim,

you know
what I'm talking about.

You gotta hate it
as much as everybody else.

So what happened?
What were you,

trying to ride one
of those hover boards

around your office
like a nincompoop?

Um, no.

I... I guess I just got
a little lost in the work.

All right.
Hop in, Frankenstein.

Let's get you out of here.

Oh, uh...

I think what
you're trying to say is

Frankenstein's monster.

What?

I think you mean to call me
Frankenstein's monster

'cause Frankenstein is the...

Oh, you're one
of those guys, huh?

No, I'm just... the doctor's
name is Frankenstein...

I know. It's just an
annoying thing to point out.

If you want
people to like you,

just go along with what
they say and have fun.

What?

Richard!

You should've called.
I would've picked you up.

What's everybody doing here?

The fuck does it look like?

We're working.

Look at 'em all, Richard.

I mean, sure,
a three-day orientation

might've been just as
effective and less bloody,

but it wasn't you.

But you found your own way

to get these men and women,
these Pipers, to follow you.

You looked at these people
and you said,

"I may not be
an inspiring speaker.

"I may be twitchy,

"and I might be strange,

"and I might vomit
and I might defecate in my pants

"and I might throw
myself through a window.

"But I believe in
this company so much,

I'll work so hard, I'll
literally risk my life for it."

And that is the kind of leader
these people wanna follow.

Because now they know
nothing is gonna stop you.

All right, then.

Gavin Belson's office, please?

I need to talk to Hoover.
It's Jeff Washburn.

Yes, thank you.

This one came in third
with 46 votes.

Cute. Next?

This one came in second
with 374 votes.

Nice, feels solid.

And with 9,986 votes this,

by far, was Hooli's favorite.

Hmm, I like it.

It's bold.

Gavin B.

Mr. Hoover?
You have a phone call.

He said you'd know
what it was regarding.

A Mr. Jeff Washburn.

I am so exhausted.

But the backseat of my Tesla's

really comfy though,
right, Richard?

Definitely worth all
the money I'm spending on it.

Good purchase.

Not a mistake.

Uh...

my key doesn't work.

Uh, let me try mine.

What the fuck?

Mine doesn't work either.

Yang. Move.

Do you have a app idea?

No.

Sorry. Errich is gone.

This is my incubator now.

What?

Your things are over there.

What the fuck?

You just took our shit
and threw it on the lawn?

Gilfoyle,

you are racist.

And Richard...

you are ugly.

The Errich administration
is over.

What?
What the fuck?

You can't just
kick us out, Jian-Yang.

Sorry. You are victims
of a circumstance.

Thank you.

Jian-Yang.

What the fuck?

Why does the whole
neighborhood smell like bacon?

♪ Have no place to go ♪

♪ Have no place
to go, darling ♪

♪ Have no place to go ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Have no place to go ♪

♪ Have no place
to go, darling ♪

♪ Have no place to go ♪

♪ Have no place to go, darling ♪

♪ When that train roll up now ♪

♪ I come walking out ♪

♪ Come walking out,
out, out ♪

♪ When that, that train
roll up now ♪

♪ I come walking out ♪

♪ Come walking out ♪

Richard,
this is Dana, CEO of Quiver.

Dana's so much like yourself.

You guys want to come
to my party?

Okay. Bye.

You don't see it?

I'm Dana's COO.
You wanna grab a drink?

I did not tell Dana about this.

Look, Richard,
I think we should work together.

Gilfoyle's ended up
saving the day

with all the Seppen
smart fridges. Totally illegal.

I came here
to cut down your server bills.

In exchange, I need you
to do something for me.

Seppen is suing us
for ten million in damages.