Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Hooli-Con - full transcript

Just think about it.

On Saturday, over a
quarter-million people

are gonna stream through that building.

A veritable who's who of nobodies.

Richard, we've tried
marketing at trade shows.

We suck at it.

No, I'm not talking about that.

Let me ask you this:

We need 120,000 phones, right?

What is the first thing

people do when they get in there?



Log on to free Wi-Fi.

But Hooli makes you download

the Hoolicon app in order to sign in.

So, what if we somehow hack
our code onto the app?

Then we will have our 120,000
phones all in one day.

I'm sorry. You're... you're
talking about sneaking our code

onto people's phones without
them even knowing about it?

I mean, that's malware, Richard.

No. No, no, no. Think of it more as, um,

forced adoption through
aggressive guerrilla marketing.

Well, as a product of forced adoption,

I can assure you there are consequences.

- I like it.
- Well, hold on.

Even if we get our code into that
app and onto all those phones,



people are just gonna delete the app
as soon as the conference is over.

People don't delete apps.

I'm telling you. Get your
phones out right now.

Uh, Hipstamatic.

Vine, may she rest in peace.

- NipAlert?
- McCain/Palin.

All right, this works in theory,

but... penetrating the Hooli servers

to hack their shitty convention app?

We'd need a black hat
ninja for this one.

I wonder where we can
find someone like that.

No.

It's so great to see you, Mia.

- How's Pakistan?
- It's so great.

I was there for a while,
and as I said before,

I have to go back there right after this

for an extended period of time.

Anyway, how's all this stuff going?

You must be, like, dying of boredom.

I am, but the terms of my plea agreement

forbid me to touch a
computer or go online, so.

Let me run a hypothetical by you,

just to, like, exercise your brain.

Like, for instance, if I had to hack

the Hooli app servers, mess with an app,

and push it out over a
venue's free Wi-Fi...

how would I do it?

It's a trick question, right?

Because you wouldn't
hack the app server.

You'd just launch a man-in-the-middle
attack with Pineapples.

Google it. Speaking of...

if they even catch me
talking about this,

they could send me to
maximum security prison,

but I think I found a way to get online.

- No.
- There's a computer in the library

that's not supervised on Sundays.

I think if I can pull library
duty, I'll be able to sneak on

and track down whoever ratted me out.

I am going to destroy that motherfucker.

Not if I destroy him first.

Excuse me. What's your
policy on anonymous tips?

Fuck. Wi-Fi Pineapples. It's so obvious.

Not to me.

Look, we set up a bunch
of these at Hoolicon.

We position ourselves between
everyone's devices and the real Wi-Fi.

So, they log onto our boxes

and our boxes log onto the real Wi-Fi?

- Exactly.
- So, we show them a fake landing page,

and force everyone to download a
doctored version of the Hoolicon app.

And they'll never know the difference.

No wonder Mia's in prison.
She's brilliant.

- I think this might actually work.
- Wrong!

It'll never work.

You don't even know what
we've been talking about.

I don't need to, Richard.

The truth is, we've tried and tried.

Every time we've gotten
a whiff of success,

a giant pelican by the name of Fate

takes a four-and-a-half-pound
shit right on top of us.

There are people who are destined for
greatness and people who are not.

Richard, it seems you and I... are not.

And so, I've had enough.

I'm ending it all tonight.

Suicide? I have a book for you.

No, Gilf. Last night, when
I was sitting out there

by the smoldering husk of my palapa,

- so cruelly taken away from me...
- You burned it down yourself.

which led me to my epiphany.

This epiphany.

"Greetings from Tibet. If you find
yourself in Qamdo prefecture,

do drop in. Gavin Belson."

That was addressed to me.

No, that was addressed to
"Richard Hendricks and company."

Company, of which I am a part.

You're not seriously
thinking of going to Tibet?

You're broke. How the fuck
are you gonna pay for that?

That's where you come
in, my great friends.

I figured we might pass the hat?

Just give whatever you
are comfortable with.

I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

Well, it seems the smallest
of us has the biggest heart.

Thank you, young Jinathon.

- Business class?
- Premium economy.

You fly one way.

Don't you need a visa to go to China?

Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing.

He's very corrupt.

That sounded... ominous,

but, gents, it's as I was saying:

Where there's a will, there's a way...

just not for you guys.

No, I will not help you on this mission.

No?

Richard, we always said we didn't
want to end up like Hooli.

How are we like Hooli?

We are trying to give free
Internet to the entire world.

If we have to bend a few
rules here and there...

I mean, it's all for the
greater good, is it not?

Gavin Belson started out
with lofty goals too,

but he just kept excusing immoral
behavior just like this,

until one day all that was left
was a sad man with funny shoes...

disgraced, friendless, and engorged
with the blood of a youthful charlatan.

I am never going to be...

any of that.

Richard, not that long ago,

you agonized over using a stolen log-in

to get into a bake-off with Endframe,

a company that stole from us.

But now you're, what, shrugging off

large-scale cybercrimes
against innocent civilians?

It's a means to an end.
It's not who I am.

I mean, Lincoln had to suspend
habeas corpus to end the war,

- but he restored it after.
- Lincoln?

Richard, it's not that easy.

There's always a next time and
a next time and a next time.

I cannot knowingly contribute
to your moral decay.

Well, what if you didn't do it...
knowingly?

You're always telling me how you
spent your entire childhood

pretending that everything
going on around you was okay.

- Uncle Jerry's game.
- Yeah, that.

Let's play Uncle Jerry's game.

Do you know what you're asking?

Okay, guys, how we looking?

- One second.
- Almost done.

All 12 Pineapples
tested and packed.

Jared, you can come in now.

All right, all of our
swag is in the car,

and I look forward to a
successful promotion

of our legitimate space-saving app.

Yup, that's what this is.

Whatever.

Well, now, gentlemen, this is it.
Goodbye.

Obviously, I don't care to
make a big deal out of it,

so I think it's sufficient
just to go around

and each of you say a memory or two

of times where I've profoundly
impacted your life.

It doesn't have to be a profound impact.

We're leaving now.

- What?
- International flight.

Four hours early.

No, international flights
are three hours early.

It's a new rule.

Gentlemen.

Okay, let's have some fun.

First hurdle down.
We're past security.

That made me
nervous, sneaking all that shit in.

Why? We're bringing
tech to a tech convention.

When did Pied Piper get
added to the vendor list?

Oh.

That looks like us.

Oh no, that can't be.

No. This is not what I was promised.

- What? It's fine.
- But they told me

that we would have prominent placement

with proximity to high-traffic corridor.

We're in the
middle of the road here.

- So?
- Yeah, who gives a fuck?

Well, Jared does, and...
and we do as well.

Uh, you know what? Why
don't you go check out

what the bathroom situation's like?

- Yes. Nothing would make me happier.
- Good.

You know, I actually believe him.

Okay.

So, gentlemen,

okay, while Jared's gone,
let's get our bearings.

All right, so, we are here.

Now, you guys deploy the Pineapples.

Start with high-traffic areas,
so that means entrances.

People are setting up
equipment everywhere,

so it shouldn't look that unusual,

but be careful, don't get caught,

- and remember why we are here.
- Richard?

Whoa. Winnie.

- Hey.
- Hello. Hi.

Yeah. Oh.

I haven't seen you since...

Since you threw yourself
down a flight of stairs

to prove how smart you were.

- That whole spaces-tab thing was...
- Kind of petty?

Petty? No, I was gonna say "illustrative
of our vast differences."

- Right.
- What are you doing here?

I'm here helping my friend
launch his new company.

Oh.

"My friend." He's actually my boyfriend.

- That's his booth right there.
- Oh wow.

He's got a big one... I mean the booth.

But, um, boyfriend, uh-oh.

- Awkward.
- Why?

Nothing. It's not. It's actually...
it's cool.

Totally cool. Cool beans.

Beans, beans, magical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you...

- Toot?
- Toot.

Hey, Joel? Come over and meet Richard.

Oh, not... not needed.

- Joel, Richard.
- Not needed. Hey.

Oh. Stairs guy.

Uh, that's quite a booth you got there.

Oh, yes, thank you. We really think

our company's message is
worth getting out there.

Yeah, us too. Us too.

Um, we're just trying to be a bit
responsible with the spending.

Sure, but when I sold my last company,

I realized I had the luxury to
invest in something I believe in.

- Mmm.
- Helping humanity thrive.

That's why I decided to bring
PeaceFare into the world.

Ah, good for you.

Okay. It was great to meet you, Richard.

Yeah, and you too.

- Good seeing you.
- Not if I see you first.

Not that you asked, but you
handled that very poorly.

You know, Jian-Yang, the silence in
the car gave me some time to think

about the fact that our
differences... Jesus!

Sorry.

Jian-Yang!

- Fuck you, fat fuck.
- Pineapple two is a go.

Fucking look at him,
pictures everywhere.

Fucking bearded baby.

Cost us millions of dollars.

It would make me very happy

to pour boiling metal down
Keenan Feldspar's asshole.

How would that even work?

Flip and pour.

He's gonna run, and then
you're slowly chasing him,

trying to not spill your
vat of boiling metal.

- You're gonna look like a fucking idiot.
- Fuck you.

- Anybody looking?
- No, just go.

What's taking you so long? Hurry up!

What are you boys up to?

All right? I go through my slides.
Click, click, click.

Jamiroquai plays.

Now, I would very much like
to welcome my good friend,

Keenan Feldspar!

- Where the fuck is he?
- Yo.

Son, you're supposed to be
coming up from over there.

Totally, I'm just really kind of
digging the vibe over on this side.

- Uh, Terry?
- Yeah?

- Kid wants to come from over here.
- Okay.

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment?

This morning, Pied Piper were

a last-minute add to the vendor list,

so I started watching them and
noticed some suspicious behavior.

I sent in for our
tactical response team,

and with your permission,
I'd like to sweep

the convention floor with
Yagi antennas, which are...

- Hoover.
- Yes, sir.

Four days ago, I spent $2 billion

on a piece-of-shit VR gadget
that's never gonna work.

I had to rebuild the
entire operating system

just to get a 90-second demo
that could play on a phone.

And by the grace of God, I
just may have pulled it off.

And now you want to talk to
me about Pied fucking Piper?

Sir, I'd like to think that if Gavin
Belson were here, we'd make sure...

Gavin fucking Belson is not
here 'cause I fired his ass!

Now, look, you go back to
your little security room,

you sit in the corner
with a tinfoil hat on,

and I swear, if I hear you
wandered down the hallway

to take a piss, you are out on your ass.

You got that?

I do, sir.

You know what? This might be a good
time for me to hand out some flyers.

Richard, six
Pineapples up, six to go.

- Good.
- Something wrong?

Yeah, actually. Very wrong.

PeaceFare is a game.

- What?
- Yeah, look at his website.

Give virtual coins to
virtual homeless people.

Grow virtual corn to feed
virtual starving villages.

What the fuck, right? I
mean, he's over there

making all this noise about turning your
mobile device into an empathy machine,

- but it's not doing anything.
- Fascinating, Richard.

Have you heard anything about how
Pied fucking Piper is doing?

Yes, our code is in the app,
the Pineapples are online,

and we're at 3700 downloads.
We're ahead of schedule.

Shit. This could work.

That's awesome.

Yeah, exactly.

We are doing something real.

He is not, but she's with him,

and I'm the petty one. Okay,
well, what about the idea

of growing real corn to
feed real starving people?

- No.
- Yeah, his thing seems way easier.

Yeah, you can do it on your
phone in your underwear.

Just... plant the rest of
the Pineapples, please.

- Oh! Here he comes, folks.
- Oh, thanks.

Richard Hendricks, the
Monet of compressionism.

Jared.

Hey, which of the bathrooms is closest?

Uh, end of the row, 78
paces to the right.

Great.

Do you know this is the actual
laptop I used to code the app.

Hey, let's take some without
my shoes, yeah? Perfect.

Okay. Oh, hey, come.

Yeah, so please start with my toes.

Oh, nice.

Can you... And these
are photos of irrigation,

captured in the rain.

Yeah,
it's gonna look great.

Yeah, like that.

Poverty and penthos.

That looks so good.

Let's do another one.
Go on the other side.

Yeah.

- Did you do this?
- What? What?

Did anyone see someone
touch this laptop?

- Hmm? What?
- Oh God.

This is very disturbing.

Fuck it. I'm just gonna punch him.

Yeah, right. Have fun
in jail, you moron.

- Oh shit.
- Oh fuck, it's him.

- What do we do?
- Uh, keep moving.

Fuck, do you think he saw us?

Oh, he saw us.

- Fuck.
- He saw us see him.

Shit. Wait. What if he
thinks we did it on purpose,

like, we snubbed him?

Fuck yeah. We just snubbed the
fuck out of Keenan Feldspar.

- Hey, Richard.
- Hey.

I'm letting everyone know you might
want to reset your critical passwords,

because we've been hacked.

Oh! Uh, why... why would you say that?

Someone changed my
PeaceFare screensaver...

Hmm?

and I know it wasn't
anyone on my team,

because they all respect me too much.

What did they change it to? If you
don't mind me asking, just 'cause...

No, no, I won't dignify
it by repeating it.

I'm just saying you
should take precautions.

Also, Winnie spoke to security,

and they're sending the
tactical response team.

The what?

The... Oh, here they are.

Oh shit.

Bingo. We've got hostiles.

Red team, Sebastian, fan out
and sweep the entire venue.

Hey, Richard.
Guess who has four thumbs

- and just snubbed Keenan Feldspar.
- Us.

Guys, someone called security, now
they're doing a sweep of the area.

What?

Okay? You've gotta go
pull all the Pineapples.

What the fuck? Who ratted us out?

I don't know. Probably we'll never know.
It's impossible to tell.

Just go. Go get... get them now.

Go. Just go. Please.

Oh.

- Bingo.
- Fuck!

Come on.

Bingo.

Oh crap. We've got to split up.

I'll take the food court. You
take the east concourse.

- I want the food court.
- Just go!

Fuck.

- Hey, man.
- F-f-f-fucking Keenan.

- Hey, I have to go.
- Totally. Hey, did you snub me earlier?

- No.
- Yeah, you did.

You know you did.

You made me feel bad.

I like to feel good. Why
would you do that to me?

Seriously?

You fucked us, Keenan.

Richard was gonna take that deal,

and then you pulled it
right out from under us.

You cost me, personally,
a shit-ton of money.

Whoa. Is that what Richard told you?

Hey. So? They got every
single one, every single last one.

- Fuck!
- I don't want to hear this.

But we gotta be close, right? Like,
how many more phones do we need?

I don't know. Close isn't good enough.
No, this is binary.

Either we have enough or we don't.

Oh f-f-f-fuck. Okay, I have an idea.

So, I've got one Pineapple left. Now,
I've rigged some batteries on top of it,

- because we're gonna have to go mobile.
- Oh.

We have to try. Okay, I'm going
to put this in your backpack.

- Oh no.
- No, it's fine.

- I don't want it. I don't want it.
- Dinesh, it's fine.

And you, you're gonna
hold this kill switch,

and then you're gonna walk into the most
densely populated area you can find.

All right? If you see
the security coming,

remember, you press that
button and, poof, you're gone.

Yeah? Okay.

I'll get as many of those
motherfuckers as I can.

We'll be rewarded in the end.

When the fuck were you gonna tell us?

- Tell you what?
- You know what, fat sack of shit.

- Richard, do you know what?
- No, I don't.

I-I... I don't know what.
Dinesh, you need to move.

Well, not until I find
out if you know what.

- Go on.
- Okay, fine.

Fine. I messed with Joel's screensaver,
and then he told security,

and now they're the ones
pulling up all the Pineapples.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?

You acted like you wanted to
take Keenan Feldspar's offer.

Well, I just ran into him.
He said you turned him down.

Well, n... Okay, well... Who are
you going to believe, me or him?

Him. He showed me the
e-mail you sent him.

Showed you the e-mail?

You fucking snake.

Dinesh, you need to move, now.
Look, he pulled the deal.

Yeah, but you didn't know that when
you sent him the e-mail, did you?

Dinesh, you need to move.
I mean, come on.

- You need to go. Go. Go.
- Gentlemen.

I'm going to have to see the
contents of that backpack.

Um...

Bingo.

Huh.

What did you change it to, Richard?

What?

Joel's screensaver.

It doesn't matter now.

No?

PoopFare.

I'm sorry. PoopFare?

Yeah, it was, like, a play on the name.

Is it a play on the name?
PissFare would be way better.

Or PenisFare.

Or PeaceFart. That's just
changing one letter.

Look, he... he turned around.
I had, like, a second, okay?

It's the best I could come up with.

PoopFare?

PoopFare?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

You sacrificed...

everything that we've worked for...

for PoopFare?

How was PoopFare...

for the greater good?

It wasn't.

You compared yourself to
Abraham Lincoln, Richard.

Can you do me a favor?

Can you say it so I know
I'm not hallucinating?

- I just did.
- Just...

- Just say it.
- say it.

- Jared.
- Richard, look me in the eyes!

Look me in the eyes, and you name...

- our undoing!
- Hey, come on. Calm down now.

PoopFare! You reckless child.

Gentlemen. Come with me, please.

Sit down.

Well, well, well.

Richard Hendricks.

Sorry, do I know you?

No... but I know all about you.

These Wi-Fi Pineapples...
are they yours?

Uh-huh.

And this image from
the security footage?

Smell anything?

These two individuals
look familiar to you?

Last question.

Do you recognize this?

It's an interview I just
found from Code/Rag

from October of this year,

in which you said you and
Gavin Belson would, quote,

"put Jack Barker out of a job."

Did you say that, Richard?

You know what? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, this is me.

Because apparently
everything I say or type

gets me into trouble,
because I'm a... idiot.

Well now.

Tenley!

What the hell are these
gentlemen doing in my office?

We caught them with Pineapples.

You mean the Pineapples that I hired
them to bring to the conference

as part of a covert penetration
test of our Wi-Fi security?

- Sorry, we didn't know.
- You weren't supposed to.

Now, give these gentlemen their
passes and equipment back

and get them back on the floor.

You know, you said some very nice things

about Gavin Belson in that interview.

You could've very easily kicked
a good man when he was down.

Good luck with whatever
it is you're doing.

I'd walk you down myself, but for
reasons I really can't get into...

I'm not allowed to leave this room.

Okay.

There you are. You never
came back to the booth.

You didn't want to see
how it all turned out?

I wasn't really in the mood.

Are you playing PeaceFare?

Yeah. I just gave an orphan
her first calculator.

Good. Good.

But I've
got something much better.

See that number?

That is the number of installs

that we've got from Hoolicon alone.

We have moved all of Melcher's data

onto a network of mobile devices.

- We did it.
- Do Dinesh and Gilfoyle know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they know.

Now that this worked,
they like me again.

They're off getting
churros to celebrate.

I told them that we would meet
them at Barker's keynote, so...

come on.

I mean...

Richard, the fact that you think that
success justifies all your behavior...

We were in crisis mode, okay?

And yeah, I lost my head,
but crisis averted,

so it's time to reinstate
habeas corpus, huh?

Be Honest Abe again.

What about the next crisis, Richard?

Jared, this won't happen again. I swear.

So, let's just enjoy it...

for a minute.

Please.

Come on, give it up!

I love this company!

And how about you?

And how about Jamiroquai?

Ladies and gentlemen, oh, let's have it.

But wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wasn't the original title of their
chart-topping hit "Virtual Insanity"?

Why is he singing "Virtual Reality"?

You know, I may need a little help

getting to the bottom of this

from my very good friend,
Keenan Feldspar!

Oh! There he is! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You guys ready to see the future?

You know, at the beginning
of the presentation,

I told all of you to update
your HooliPhone OS, right?

Now, I want you to go into "Settings,"

and you're gonna find a brand-new
toggle labeled "HooliVR."

Woo!

You're gonna want to turn that on.

Now, look under your seats.

When you power up your HooliVR goggles,

they will "automagically"
pair with your phone.

Put 'em on

and prepare to be amazed!

Say hi to that barmaid for me.

Huh? Oh! Ow!

Oh shit! Fuck!

What's going on?

Uh, turn up the lights, please.
Something's happening here.

Uh, stay calm.

You don't think this had
anything to do with us, do you?

We appear to have a bit
of a technical problem.

I'm going to get to the
bottom of this right away.

Ow! Fuck!

Gelong-la, there is a
loud man here to see you.

He says you sent for him.

Qamdo in the house!

Whoa! Haircut?

Are you fucking kidding me?

No.

I'm really here.