Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Keenan Vortex - full transcript

ERLICH: A little to the right.
The right more. More.

More. Woof! Aces.

- We did it.
- Busy?

Hey! Come on in.

I'm just putting the finishing touches

on Bachman's Operational Center.

Can you believe that I talked the ladies

into letting me keep that
little piece of genius in here?

- Oh! Sweet.
- Sweet indeed. It's human hair.

Where have you been? We've been
trying to close your deal.

Monica and Laurie are really
fighting me on one final deal point,



and I was getting bummed,
so I turned my phone off,

went kitesurfing in Fiji.

When I got back, I was chill again,

and I got a message that they agreed.

So, you closed?

Yep!

What was that one little,
pesky deal point?

I think you're gonna like it.

(SHOUTS) Fuck yeah!

♪

A keyman clause?

Yes, and said keyman is none
other than yours truly.

It's the highest honor that
you can bestow on a VC.

Wow. So, you get shares in the company.



- No.
- So, you get a seat On the board.

I do not.

- A bonus?
- There's no cash involved,

but if Monica or Laurie tries
to oust me from Bream-Hall,

Keenan Feldspar can
void the deal and walk.

So, basically, this new
title just means that you,

for sure, get to keep
your shitty desk job.

Congratulations, but, Erlich,

can you please turn on the heat?
It's freezing in here.

Tsk-tsk, Richard. Negativity.

Hey, have you seen Keenan's demo?

Reddit is shitting itself over it.

Of course I've seen it. I'm his keyman.

He gave me one of the first
opportunities to shit myself over it.

- It's that good?
- Guys, come on.

How good can it be? VR is just a fad.

Oh, Richard. I've forgotten what an
envious little crone you can be.

Envious? Me? Of who? Keenan Feldspar?

Of course. Keenan was born with
a golden horseshoe up his ass,

while you sit here toiling away in
an icebox you call your home office,

cursed with the Midas touch of shit.

I'm not cursed, and the icebox

you're referring to is your house, okay?

(TAB SNAPS)

What?

Uh, guys, I just got a
billing alert from Azure.

Apparently, all of our
cold data has gone hot,

so we've already exceeded
our monthly server budget.

Monthly? Bullshit. It's been four days.

What the fuck?

We have to store Melcher's data
there until we have enough phones.

We can't afford this.

I'm gonna call Melcher.

Hey, Richard. How we doing?

Is there something going
on with your data?

Because it was basically
parked until a few hours ago

when it started flying on and
off our network like crazy.

Well, aren't you... aren't you
watching the weather channel?

No, why? Is there a
hurricane or something?

- Worse. It's cold outside.
- Okay. So?

California looses its
mind when it gets cold.

(ON PHONE) Citrus trees start freezing.

Sometimes there's actual
frost on the road,

you know, then people start
filing claims like crazy.

Our whole office is
going nuts right now.

- (CART SQUEAKING)
- RICHARD: Well, that kind

of data traffic is costing us a fortune.

That's the beauty of the
deal we made, Richard.

You agreed to store our
data for a flat rate.

Everyone else in my
division is getting gouged

on their storage and
bandwidth fees right now,

but thanks to you, I look like a genius.

- I'll tell Liz you say hi.
- Oh. Oh no.

No, no, that's okay.

♪ ♪

- What did he say?
- He says hi.

And that we are responsible
for the overages.

Fuck! Maybe you are cursed.

I'm not. That's ridiculous.
There's no such thing.

- (SNAPS, FIZZLES)
- Fucking what?

Richard, a bill of this size
is going to be problematic.

- (SIGHS)
- DINESH: Problematic?

Catastrophic. We're not gonna
be able to pay that bill,

- so our server's gonna get cut off,
- (POPS, SPRAYING)

which means we're gonna
lose Melcher's data,

which means he's gonna sue us

and seize our assets and our patents,

and the entire future
of the fucking Internet

is gonna belong to a
fucking insurance company!

I can't take this shit anymore!

Admit it! We're fucked.

Okay, let's just think.
Let's just think.

Dan Melcher runs a very
conservative insurance company,

but even he was willing to pay us
up front for data storage, right?

True. Although, that was complicated.

What? It... it's just a
such a in-the-weeds deal.

Point being, we can
find another customer,

and then use that upfront payment
to cover Melcher's fees.

That's like getting a new credit card
to pay off your old credit card.

Yeah, and as CFO, I should tell you
we've already done that seven times.

Look, I don't have any moral
issue with any of that,

but it was hard enough to get Melcher.

How the fuck are we gonna
get a second Melcher?

(SIGHS)

- (LIGHTER FLICKING)
- RICHARD: It's cold out here.

Can almost see my breath, huh?

What do you want?

Well, uh...

it's just that the guys
are a little agitated,

because we seem to be having
minor money troubles.

I was thinking since you
and Bream-Hall signed

such a big check over to Keenan Feldspar

and since you are his keyman,

maybe you could help set up a data
storage deal like we had with Melcher?

Merely tens of minutes ago,

you were rubbing VR's face
in a pile of its own make...

that means shit...

and now VR is supposed
to be your lifeboat?

Just to remind you, Erlich, you are
also an investor in Pied Piper.

It would be good for
everyone, including you.

Very well.

Fill me in on the details
of your little proposal.

Pitch.

What do you mean?

You... you know the details.

You were there with me for
every single pitch meeting.

And I'm sorry that I wasn't
key in those meetings,

so I don't recall all of the
little nitty-gritty details.

(LIGHTER FLICKS)

♪ ♪

Saving you 25 percent
on your data storage,

which makes us pretty deserving
of the Weissman trophy.

(LAUGHING)

You know, the Heisman
trophy from athletics.

Dude. This demo is insane.

Gentlemen, you're stepping
on Richard's laughs.

I'm sorry, but I walked up a hill,

and on top of the hill,
there was a tavern.

And I walked into the tavern

and I could just look everywhere,
and there was a barmaid.

Guess what. I walked
right up to the barmaid,

and I just looked at her
for a really long time.

This technology could change the world.

I'm not one to gush,
but the possibilities

of your consequence-free
reality are darkly promising.

So stoked you guys liked it. I
hacked it together last summer

and I just guessed right
on a lot of the details.

But if you think that was cool,

wait till you see our final hardware,

which is en route from China.

It's gorgeous.

Well, enjoy it while it lasts,

just 'cause, you know, this
can be a tough business.

Is it? So, Richard...

(CLAPS HANDS) you wanna try the demo?

Uh, no thanks. No, I'm...
I'm not a VR guy.

Richard doesn't like things that
are cool or fun or taste good.

Plus, it makes him queasy.

He has a sensitive constitution.

Ah, come on. You're gonna do it.

Look at him. He's gonna do it.

It's gonna be awesome! Come on!
You're doing it!

- Come on, come on. After you.
- Okay, sure. I guess. Fine.

(RETCHES)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(GROANS)

Wow.

You really vomited a lot...

- and, like, immediately.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Bad luck, I guess.
- Yeah, so... (CLEARS THROAT)

Look, anyway, about
that data storage deal?

Oh. Yeah. If Erlich says it works,
that's good enough for me. Let's do it.

- Really? Okay.
- KEENAN: Yeah.

Perfect. That's great.

Um... well, I guess we should
get back to the house,

- draw up some paperwork for that.
- JARED: Mm-hmm.

We should be able to pull
everything together by Monday.

Is it cool if we hang out, just to, like,
play around with the VR some more?

Okay, but I'm sure Keenan's busy.

Nah! You guys should stay.

You want a beer? I just
put in a fresh keg.

He put in a fresh keg.

- It's so warm in here.
- That would be the subfloor heating.

I didn't even know I had it.

It just came with the house.

GILFOYLE: That's nice.

What are you telling me?
Box Two is delayed?

We were already facing some
design and production challenges,

but then this cold snap happened.

Apparently there was frost
on the loading dock

at our microprocessor plant in Acton.

So, it's cold outside.

Why does everyone in this state
have to be such a wimp about it?

Well, a semitruck slid right through the
door and hit the main breaker panel

and melted down the entire facility.

The driver was incinerated, instantly.

I see. Well, our thoughts
and prayers, obviously,

but we'll still be ready
to roll out in time

for Hoolicon, right?

Guys. Hey. I'm not Gavin Belson.

You can be honest with me? How
many days will this set us back?

We're going to miss
delivery of product...

by two quarters.

♪ ♪

You realize Hoolicon
is in one week, right?

I mean, it's my first Hoolicon
as CEO of this company.

I... I'm supposed to get up on stage,

in front of an audience of thousands,

and deliver a keynote
presentation built entirely

around the release of Box Two!

I was going to descend onto the stage,

in a giant box.

Boom!

Jack-in-the-box.

Then Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather

were gonna come out and box

over who was gonna get to
take home the first new box!

These are world-class puns!
Now I got nothing!

- Hello?
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(LAUGHS) Hey, guys!

I have something to show you.

- Have you been here all weekend?
- Is that the sushi guy?

(CHUCKLES) Matching pajamas.

You guys look like you're in a cult.

Oh, Keenan gets these for free.

Yeah, we're not gonna wear the
same thing three days straight.

You gotta come check this out.

This way!

♪ ♪

(EXHALES)

Wow. I didn't feel
sick at all, not once.

Not even going up the hill?

No. No... no nausea at all.

Yeah, I felt fine the entire time.

What'd you do? Did you
reduce the latency?

I didn't. You did!

Dinesh and Gilfoyle helped me integrate

your middle-out compression
algorithm into my codec.

- I'm sorry. What?
- It's off the charts now, man!

We were even able to push
the barmaid to the cloud.

These two guys are mad geniuses.

Hang on. I have something for ya.

Mm-hmm.

What the fuck?

You just gave our proprietary technology

to this asshole without even
running it by me first?

- Are you serious?
- We were just hanging out,

and he was like, "We should try it,"
and he said we could delete it,

and then he started
getting really excited.

And then he said, you know, "You're
doing it," a bunch of times,

and then we did it. And then we
started getting really excited,

- and it was so exciting.
- And it worked.

The VR is rad now.

Gilfoyle, "rad"?

You are wearing the exact
same pajamas as Dinesh,

and you're saying "rad" now?

You have been sucked entirely
into his little... Keenan vortex.

Okay.

I grant you, with... (CLEARS THROAT)

the benefit of even a second's distance,

this isn't a good look.

I don't know. I think we look rad.

Just... just hear Keenan out, okay?

- On what?
- Here you go, Richard.

- What's this?
- It's an offer.

- I want to acquire Pied Piper.
- Oh.

- (SCOFFS)
- (KEENAN LAUGHS)

♪ ♪

Bingo... 2009, the HooliPad
touchscreen was recalled

five days before Gavin
Belson's Hoolicon keynote.

Now, if he can pull something
together that fast, certainly I can.

- (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
- Well, sir, I really don't see the value

in you comparing yourself
so closely to Gavin Belson.

Meaning what exactly?

Nothing. Just that...

he's considered the greatest showman
the tech world has ever seen.

(KEYBOARD CLACKS)

I mean, just look at him.

We've blown away

the FIPS 140-2 standard for security,

and that's been certified by
NIST/CSE, as you can see...

- JACK: Wow.
- there.

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Look at the confidence, the poise.

Look at the stage presence.

is accessible... here we go...

through the drop-down menu...

- there.
- How could I top that?

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Oh, I don't think anyone ever will.

When he looked at you,
you felt like you were

- the only two people in the world.
- Hoover.

- Yes, sir.
- (GAVIN CONTINUES SPEAKING)

Get the fuck out of my
office this instant.

- HOOVER: Sorry, sir.
- (GAVIN CONTINUES SPEAKING)

Anyone here use our enterprise server?

We've taken secure authentication

- to a whole other level.
- Jack Barker...

you're gonna need a miracle.

Anyone care to talk secure biometrics?

Well, considering our looming debts,

and the embryonic state of our network,

this is a very generous offer.

But we're not for sale, guys.

Richard, listen, it's like
we've been lost at sea

for a long time on a tiny boat,

and there is no wind.

And now, through sheer luck,

we've just happen to drift
right up to Hawaii.

Now, we can continue
sailing into the unknown,

and probably sink or die
of starvation or scurvy,

or we can get off in Hawaii.

Let's get off in Hawaii.

- What's so good about Hawaii?
- Have you never been?

- No.
- It's very nice.

I think we should take it.

Okay, everything Keenan
touches turns to gold,

and you...

are different than that.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
- I want to go to Hawaii.

Fucking Keenan Feldspar.

How dare he put me in this position?

Everything just comes so easy to him.

He invents one little thing, and then
he's gonna make a billion dollars,

and just, "Oh, Keenan Feldspar
gets whatever he wants,"

and now I have to be the ogre
that says no to him. Great.

Richard, you are my
captain, and I'm your mate.

And I will sleep in the
bilge with the vermin,

and I will eat hardtack, and
I will say, "Thank you."

And if duty requires,
I will stand on deck,

and I will salute you as
we sink beneath the waves.

But as poor as our odds are,

I'm worried that if we
turn down this offer,

we will lose the rest of our crew,

and if that happens, you
will lose everything,

Richard. Your algorithm.

So, you're saying that

if I say no to this...

I risk having a mutiny on my hands.

Aye, Captain.

Thanks.

(PAPERS RUSTLE)

(SCOFFS)

Fuck you, Keenan Feldspar.

- Whoa.
- Problem?

Your counteroffer here
is really, really high.

Yes, but after crunching
the old numbies, um,

there's no way we could
make an acquisition work

for even just a penny less
than that number right there,

you know, what with the
patent and the IP.

And you said yourself,
my guys are the best.

So, Keenan, as you know,
the best is expensive.

This is more than I just took
in funding from Bream-Hall,

and you want all cash.

- I can't do that.
- Really?

Oh... rats. Rats, rats, rats.

(SIGHS) Weird.

I wanted this to happen, but it didn't.

That sucks. I wanted it too, very badly.

But, um... you know,
what they say in life,

"You can't always get what you want."

This feeling sucks.

Trust me, you get used to it.

♪ ♪

GILFOYLE: Wait. Keenan said no?

To us?

I guess you can never
really know someone

until you ask them to put their
money where their mouth is.

You know, kind of a shitty thing to do.

Kind of a shitty little dude.

Anyway, well, lesson learned.

Anyhoo, as soon as Erlich comes in

and brings us our signed
data storage contract

from Keenan, we'll be all set.
We'll be back in business.

Huh? Go team. Let's celebrate.

Let's... let's put on some music.
We never do that.

What was the number?

- What number?
- Your counteroffer to Keenan.

What was the number you
went back to him with?

Well, Gilfoyle, to be honest, these
deals are pretty complicated.

- Richard, what was the number?
- (DOOR OPENS)

Twenty-five million fucking dollars.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Wait. What?

You heard the man-child right.

Richie had the quail eggs
to counter 25 million.

Isn't that right, Richard?

What? That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, I thought so too,

but you know what's
even crazier than that?

You guys got yourself a fucking deal!

- (LAUGHS)
- What?

Okay, so this is $25 million?
This is real?

- As crystal.
- Yeah, I'm... I'm not gonna lie,

when you first told me that number,

I had a feeling of mad.

But then I had lunch, and after
that I was a little tired,

but I mostly felt pretty okay.

And that's when it hit me.

This is a guy who knows
how valuable he is!

It got me to thinking that perhaps
I had undervalued my own company,

especially because now I
have this baller algorithm

that's solving all my latency issues.

Well, my algorithm. So,
I called Big Cat here,

and we slid that new
demo over to Raviga.

Ed Chen liked it so much, he offered
to triple the Bream-Hall deal.

But the Bream-Hall deal is signed.
It's done, right?

Was done. Enter the keyman, the big cat.

You see, if I quit Bream-Hall, then
Keenan is free to do whatever he wants.

- You quit Bream-Hall?
- Two hours ago.

Ten minutes later, we were in
a handshake deal at Raviga.

This adorable little wombat
made clear his intentions

that he wants me to be the new COO

of his company, along with
a five percent stake.

And now, we can all work
together on this dope-ass shit

and make a fuck-ton of money
while we're doing it!

See? It always works out.

- It does. Who's drinking?
- To the palapa! Yeah!

Pour me one, Big Cat!

DINESH: Jared, there's no pink glasses!

Richard, I know you think
I'm a bullshit artist.

It's okay. I totally am.

I have this gift where I can make
people do whatever I want 'em to do,

and they don't even
realize they're doing it.

Right.

Richard, you have the greatest
technology that I've ever seen.

You can change the fucking world.

You just have to get
people excited about it.

That's where I come in.
You and me together, bro?

Look how strong this is.
Fucking forget about it.

We're gonna be fucking cutting
class and crushing ass.

You really think that you can get
people excited about Pied Piper?

Richard, that's what I do.

You know you're doing it. Oh,
I can see it. (CHUCKLES)

He knows. The wheels
are already turning.

Well...

- Maybe.
- Come on, you're fucking doing it!

Let's do it, buddy! Let's fucking do it!

Okay. Yeah.

- Come on!
- Well, okay.

Jared, here we go. Oh,
I'm just gonna wait.

- Okay, here you are.
- Yeah!

KEENAN: Get out there! (LAUGHS)

(PANTING)

- Richard?
- RICHARD: Yeah.

Are... are we okay?

Uh, no, Jared, we're... we're not okay.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

We're fucking rich.

(CHEERING) ♪ When we come
down terrorizing your town ♪

♪ Running with my wolves,
and we out on the prowl ♪

♪ If you didn't know it,
you knowing it now ♪

♪ I'll always be a
motha-fucking problem child ♪

♪ We the boys everybody
warned you about ♪

♪ I'm a problem child, I
be throwing tantrums ♪

Sorry, it's a bit nutty around here.

Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, I just wanna say,

how sorry I am that Erlich
flaked on you guys.

- Not your fault.
- Also... (CLEARS THROAT)

and I know this might piss
you off to some degree,

I have decided to make a
deal with Keenan Feldspar.

What? Why?

He made a... really good offer.

Lots of money, and...
he's got my back, so.

Right, well, it's not like
him to talk you into a deal

and then just totally fuck you over.

Yeah. No. Look, he's
copped up to all that.

I mean, he was very honest about
the whole Keenan vortex thing, so.

Well, you don't think his
discussing the vortex

is just a way of pulling
you into the vortex?

No. Wh-why would he... wh...

Son of a bitch.

Yeah.

Okay, look, Richard,

what I'm about to tell you
is a huge breach of ethics,

but it's gonna save you
from making a big mistake.

Keenan and Erlich's little keyman game

is the greatest thing that
happened to this firm.

I'd like to hear why.
"A," no more Erlich.

And if that weren't enough,
we get our $20 million back.

But the biggest reason is that we realized
once we took a look under the hood,

Keenan's tech is dog shit.

No. No, it's not dog shit.

I thought so too, but
then I tried the demo,

and it's pretty amazing. There's
this point in the tavern,

uh, where you meet this barmaid,

and you can look wherever you want,

however long you want.

Yeah, well, um, look,
the demo is amazing...

when you run it on a $10,000 rig.

But the future of VR is mobile,

and there's no phone on Earth
that could handle that demo,

let alone the full-bloated platform.

Isn't that why Keenan has acquired us?

I mean, to help him figure that out?

No, he just wants you
to make the demo better

so he can take as much money
off the table as he can.

He'll walk away rich, the
company will crater,

and you will go down with it,

and that would be the end of Pied Piper.

Richard, you have to tell Keenan that
you're not gonna take this deal.

(SIGHS)

Fuck. What do I do?

How am I supposed to tell the guys
that I'm taking away their payday?

You don't understand. Keenan
had us pouring champagne

all over each other like a
bunch of fucking douchebags.

I honestly don't think they even
care that the tech is shit.

They just want to go to Hawaii.

- Hawaii?
- It's a metaphor we've been using.

We're pirates, and our ship is sinking,

and Keenan is Hawaii.

This is what you talk about all day?

Look. (CLEARS THROAT) This
deal was our only hope,

and, with all due respect,
you run your own firm,

and you're not exactly chomping at
the chance to fund us, are you?

Because you're still theoretical.

Look, I'll make you a promise. If
you can get all of Melcher's data

onto a stable network of mobile devices

and prove that this works,

I will fund your "A" round.

- Really?
- You have my word,

but you have to tell Keenan no deal.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Uh, guys?

Oh, he came in the front this time.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) So,
we need to talk to you.

You need to talk to me?

You may want to have a seat.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Is that a new... sweater?

Hey, Richard, there's some bad news.

JARED: Richard, right before
Keenan signed the Raviga deal,

somebody else swooped in and offered him

an absurd amount of
money for his company,

and he took it. Really?

So, Keenan sold his company.

Deal's off the table.

We're not going to Hawaii.

Oh... no.

Oh no.

Listen, Richard, we know you
fought really hard for this deal.

We will never forget that.

Yeah, I did, and I would gladly fight

for it and you guys again.

Gosh damn.

Argh.

You don't seem that mad.

I am. I am, Gilfoyle. I'm pissed.

If... if you need to kick
another hole in the door,

we'd understand. Oh yeah.
No, I... I might.

I might have to. Really, I just...

If I don't calm down, I will.

I will take you up on that.

Who, uh...

Who did he sell to? The
only other company

that could guarantee viable
middle-out compression.

- Hooli.
- GILFOYLE: Yup.

Hooli. He sold to Hooli.

What a dick move.

Yeah, I mean, that's not the half of it.

I mean, once he figured out what
Erlich's five percent would be worth,

he left him out in the cold.

Wait. He... he got
Erlich to quit his job

and then cut him out of the deal?

- GILFOYLE: Mm-hmm.
- Jesus.

We thought you were cursed,
but maybe it was just

your proximity to Erlich.

I mean, that dude must've driven a van

over a bunch of gypsies
in a previous life.

- Where is he?
- I saw him grab his lighter

and his bong and head out to the
palapa to sulk a few minutes ago.

Isn't that his bong right there?

Well, shit.

♪ ♪

(FIRE CRACKLING)

Guys, there's a fire!

We need the fire guys.

Someone call the fire guys!

(DISTANTLY) Erlich!

(CRACKLING)

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, buddy.

Still not talking, huh?

You've been out here all night.
It's freezing.

You sure you don't wanna
come back inside?

(SIGHS)

Yeah, it was a nice palapa.

Well, concrete's still
pretty warm from the fire.

He should be okay for at
least a few more hours.

Well, that's probably longer
than we'll be in business.

Yeah, we got our first
past-due notice from Azure.

They said we have five business
days till they cut us off.

If you guys wanna feel worse...

check this out.

- ♪
♪
- Jack (ON COMPUTER): Come join us

for an epic gathering

where we come together as
one people, as visionaries.

MAN: Is this not the most exciting
time to be in technology?

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- The whole thing is just like, "Wow."

JACK: The most transformative
technology event in the world.

Hoolicon.

See you all at Hoolicon!

I hope you're excited. I know "vee are."

Yeah, VR.

Fucking Keenan Feldspar.

♪ ♪

Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?

About a quarter of a million...

over the whole weekend.

And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones

do we need to get us off Azure?

A hundred and twenty-three thousand,

give or take.

Dinesh, how much are
tickets to Hoolicon?

Why would I have that information?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Tell me what you think,
are we in trouble? ♪

♪ Feeling sorry's never
really been my struggle ♪

♪ Picking up the pieces,
sifting through the rubble ♪

♪ Ringing in the new year,
listening to the Double ♪

♪ Are we outside ♪

♪ The safe spaces of love ♪

♪ Are we in space, pinned down ♪

♪ To spinning rocks? ♪

♪ How you ♪

♪ Freeze me ♪

♪ We're so cold now ♪

♪ Are we outside in space? ♪

♪ So cold, so cold ♪