Silicon Valley (2014–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Uptick - full transcript

How the fuck does
something like this happen?

How does an elephant just die?

He was very old and depressed.

He'd recently been rescued from the circus,

but as it turns out,
he actually really loved performing.

Who gives a fuck about the elephant?

What about me? This does not look good.

I'm having a bit of trouble
figuring out how to remove him.

- He weighs 9,000 pounds.
- Cut it up.

Take it out in pieces.

I don't mean to interrupt,
but I could call in a personal favor



and get a helo crew out of Travis AFB
with a Sikorsky Skycrane to airlift it out

and drop it in the ocean right after dark.

No muss, no fuss.

There. Was that so hard, Patrice?
Because Hoover sure didn't think so.

I mean, I just found my footing again,

and you put me in danger of losing it all
over some fucking elephant?

Gavin, you always said that here at Hooli,

in order to achieve greatness,
we must first achieve goodness.

Right.

- So?
- So...

I was a bridesmaid at Sean Parker's wedding

when he handed out live bunnies
as plush toys.

That wasn't goodness.

It was badness.



And so is this.

You're using endangered animals
just to make points at board meetings.

I'm drawing thoughtful,
zoological comparisons.

But couldn't you just show them
a picture of these animals?

A simple Hooli search
would yield thousands of choices.

Patrice, I thank you for your honesty,
and I will repay you with my own.

I honestly never want to see you
in my offices again.

You're fired.

- Hoover, scramble that Skycrane.
- Yes, sir.

Please, come in. Come in. Have a seat.

I won't take a lot of your time. I promise.

- Okay.
- Would you like some tea?

I can put a kettle on the hot plate.

- Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.
- There's no trouble.

You know what,
I have a box of Russell Stovers

-if the spiders didn't get into 'em.
- Jared, is this about the fake users?

You know?

Two days ago, I wanted to look at
user behavior to figure out

what spurred the sudden uptick,
and well, I noticed something.

Almost all of our new users were
just uploading a single photo

into a shared folder,

and then the next day,
they would take the photo out

and then put it back in
the day after that and that's it.

You know, just enough to qualify
as a daily active user.

Classic click-farm behavior.

And then I remembered our conversation
in the bathtub,

and it just had to be you.

Richard, I am so sorry.

- It's okay.
- Would it make you feel better to...

-...to strike me?
- No.

You had good intentions, Jared.
Honestly, don't give it another thought.

Just, you know...

You and I right now are the only ones
that know about it, okay?

And in a few weeks,
when we run out of money,

this will all be over anyway.

- Richard?
- Yes?

We have a secret.

Yeah.

I mean, I swear to God,

your dicks would have blown
out of the back of your assholes

if you had been there, hand to God.

- Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Richard, sit down. I did it.

I saved the company.

What do you... What? How?

- Jared, have you been crying?
- Yes, but for ordinary reasons.

- Please, go on.
- Okay.

I was at The Rosewood for lunch.

I mean, it was the lunch hour.
I was there, I wasn't eating, the usual.

So, I walk over to Andreessen
and I say something funny,

but he stone-faces me.

What did you say?

It doesn't matter.
The point is, it was hilarious,

but he gave me nothing
and neither did his friends.

Then I realized why.

- You're not funny?
- No, Gilfoyle, but that is.

No, it's that everybody thinks
Pied Piper is in this death spiral,

so it would be inappropriate to laugh
at my hysterical joke.

And it hits me.

I know something that they don't.

I know about the uptick.

- The uptick?
- Yes, the uptick.

- The recent sudden surge in users.
- Oh, yeah. That.

Yes, that. So, while our fortune is rising,

everybody else thinks that it's plummeting,

and I can use these opposing forces

to a multiplying effect like a slingshot,
and then I make a decision.

I'm gonna make a move.

So, I say something cryptic about the uptick,
and I walk away.

- What did you say?
- I don't know. I can't remember.

But I walk over and I see
McNamee's having the short rib,

which I hear is delicious but not too heavy,

and then I say to him,

"You're gonna have to tuck in your tie-dye
if you want to eat here."

- How's that relevant?
-It's not.

But the people that I just walked away from
don't know that.

All they know is that I'm over there
exchanging witty banter with McNamee,

and about what, they don't know.

It's all that they do want to know.

And then, it settles in.

FOMO.

The fear of missing out.

Suddenly, it feels like time is slowing down.

I could see every move I was going to make,
12 steps ahead.

It was like I was Bobby Fischer
if he could really fuck.

I go outside,
I walk across the street to Greylock,

I check in on Instagram,

Vinod Khosla calls me,
asks me what I doing there.

I say, "I can't talk right now.
Call me at Wood Opal."

Well, he does, and then suddenly
Wood Opal is going,

"What's Khosla got going on with Bachman?"

Meanwhile, I'm taking a leak
at a Restoration Hardware.

I jack off a little bit. I don't cum.

And then it snowballs.

I deftly played Ross Lorna
against Index Ventures.

And because of that, the big kahuna bites.

Sequoia.

I spend the next 20 minutes
denying calls from Jim Goetz,

over and over.

And yes, I'm jacking off,
but I don't need to ejaculate

because by the time I listen to the messages,

I've got offers, I've got counters,
I've got counter-counters.

I cum.

When the dust settled,

and the losers went home,
all that was left was this.

"Hello, Mr. Bachman.

"Coleman Blair Partners
would like to offer Pied Piper

"a Series B round of $6 million

"on a $60 million valuation."

Oh.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

And this asshole wanted
to pivot to video-chat.

Still valid.

Although less sexy now, I'll concede that.

It's my Mona Lisa.

And the entire cornerstone

upon which I built
this motherfucking cathedral

that I will forever be remembered for

was this beautiful little uptick.

I think I have a bottle
of Cold Duck in the crisper.

Who's drinking? Come on!

I got a bottle of Martinelli's for you, Jared.

This is a big day!

We did it! Yes!

- Are there any wine coolers?
- I'll talk to him.

I'll talk 110 him.

Here's my Hooli badge.

And I have a hanging tag

on my rear-view mirror
for the parking structure.

- Can I just mail that in?
- No, you need to go get that now.

Okay.

Hey, Dinesh.

I'm just looking for Erlich.
Have you seen him?

Oh, he went to the liquor store.
Gotta keep the party going, you know?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Series B. Crazy, right?

- Oh, it's unreal.
- Yeah.

Almost like some of our users.

What?

- What does that mean?
- Oh, "Unreal" has so many meanings.

Fake, paid for,

one person in Bangladesh
pretending to be 6,000.

Okay. Uh...

- All right, Dinesh...
- Oh, no.

I don't want to know a fucking thing.

Okay then. Great.

I won't tell you anything
because nothing happened.

- Great.
- Okay.

But if something did happen,
and we're not saying it did,

the fact remains

that leaves us in
a very advantageous position.

There's a lot of money on the table.

And it would be a shame if that went away.

You know what else
would be a shame...

ls if I couldn't find my flash drive.
Gilfoyle, have you seen my flash drive?

Right, the one with the zombie script on it?

Why, yes, the zombie script
that randomizes user action

in platforms such as Pied Piper.

You mean so that
fake users and click farms would be

absolutely indistinguishable from real users?

Oh, I suppose.

I mean, especially during due diligence,

like the kind done by VCs
or possible future reviews

done by certain regulatory bodies.

It also had photos of my auntie.

- Anyway, Gilfoyle, have you seen it?
- I have not.

Hmm. Well, Richard,
keep an eye out for it, will ya?

Hey, Gilfoyle, you wanna come inside
and help me get a new flash drive

-...we're sort of done with the ruse.
- Okay.

Okay, fine.
Well, whatever you did or didn't do,

- that was serial-killer-level shit.
- Agreed.

I think I finally respect you as a CEO.

Fuck.

- This is fraud.
- Is it?

I mean, our platform does
exactly what we say it does.

Okay? It's not like we're lying about it
like fucking Theranos.

And if our platform works,
which we know it will,

we will make them billions of dollars.

Everybody wins, Jared.
You still believe that, right?

That, if given enough time,
the platform will catch on?

Richard, don't weaponize my faith in you
against me.

Your faith made all this possible.

It's wrong.

Well, every time I try to do the right thing,
I get fucked.

And if I do the right thing here,

we're done. That's it.

Doesn't seem like much of an option, does it?

Dang, they're all just so good.

Gavin, CJ Cantwell, line one.

Dang, let's pick this up tomorrow.

- CJ.
- I'm finishing a story I'd love a comment on.

It's about the death of an unpermitted
Indian elephant named Maurice,

in your sculpture garden
and its subsequent illegal dumping

in the San Francisco Bay.

- That's preposterous.
- Mmm, I have a very good source.

What do you propose we do here?

Well, I have one idea.

And what, pray tell, might that be?

CJ sold the blog for $2 million.

No shit.

Bachmanity rides again.

Well, not exactly.

Uh, I called Big Head to tell him that
our share was worth half a mil each,

and not five minutes later,
his father, one Nelson Bighetti Sr.,

called me and explained that
I was never to have

any financial dealings with his son
in perpetuity, ever,

or he would get very Italian on me.

And I'm not interested
to find out what that means.

- Okay. Shall we?
- To Coleman Blair! Let's close this fucker.

Good luck, fellas.

Remember, you just sit there and look pretty.

Leave all the talking to me.

And if you mention my Montblanc,
then don't make it overt, like I told you to.

But do.

Oh.

Hey, what's up?

Are you guys out raising money
from someone else?

Oh, Monica,
it's kind of a long story.

Why are you whispering?

Oh, my God,
you're there right now, aren't you?

Jesus! Do you have any idea

how big of an asshole
you're making me look here?

Laurie just lost her shit at me, okay?

So, you need to turn around
and walk the hell out of there.

Erlich put all this together.
I really had nothing to do with it.

You have everything to do with it.
You're the fucking CEO, Richard.

Whatever your company does is 100% on you.

Gentlemen.

- They're ready for you.
- Oh. Yes. I gotta go.

Do not hang up on me. Richard, do not...

So listen, we're pumped, guys.

We're thrilled to be getting into Pied Piper
right at this inflection point.

- It's very exciting.
- We are pumped as well. Aren't we, Richard?

- Richard. Pumped.
- Hmm? Pumped.

- We are pumped up.
- Pumped up. Mmm-hmm.

So we'll just need
your John Hancock right here.

Oh, sure, Richard. You can use my Montblanc.

Oh, the, uh...

This is an actual term sheet.
And once I sign this... That's it, right?

Yup. No turning back.

You can have your lawyers vet
the actual stock purchase agreement

once we close here just to make sure
no one is pulling any funny business.

- No, no.
- No, my lawyer is in jail, so.

So.

Oh, my God. I, uh...

Wow, I can't believe
I didn't think of this before,

because, well, let me put it to you this way.

What would you say if I told you that
the same compression that you know and love

is being used in a world-beating,
game-changing, wait for it...

Video-conferencing application?

Wouldn't that be interesting?

- What?
- You mean like Hooli-Chat?

This will be far superior to Hooli-Chat.

You may want to fund that instead.

In fact, why don't I just go home,
I'll grab my laptop,

I'll come back here, I'll show it to you guys.

- It's not that far. I don't mind...
- Richard...

- I'll tell you what, I'll grab an Uber.
- No, no, no.

- It's no problem.
- Richard, what the fuck are you doing?

There. I've ordered it.

Neal is in a blue Kia Sportage
and he's right around the corner.

All right, all right. Look, look, look.

I don't know who else you're talking to
about the platform,

but I'm willing to go up to
seven million on 70.

Okay? But that's it.
You sign this thing, right here, right now.

Bravo, Richard. Nice neg.

Now sign it.

Thank you. Very generous of you.

I just want to make sure that
you're aware of all the feedback

'cause we had some focus groups
and there were some issues.

Just so you're clear,

people have been wondering,
"Ah! Where are my files?

- Richard, Richard...
- "Zero K used? Where's the download button?

-"The Terminator..."
- All right, all right, you know what?

-'Cause it...
- I'm gonna sign it. Can I sign it? I'll sign it.

You can if you want,
but we still need his signature.

Richard, sign it.

That's two years of runway.

- Sign it now!
- I can't.

- Why the fuck not?
- Because the numbers are fake.

What?

- What? What do you mean? What do you...
- We bought...

Fake users from a Bangladeshi click farm.

The uptick was fake.

But the vid-chat...

...is real.

Erlich, the fake users were
just meant to cheer the guys up.

I had no idea you were
gonna take those numbers...

And what, and go do my fucking job?

Pour everything I had
into getting the best possible

deal for Pied Piper because I believe in them?

Well, that's all over now.

Richard, we are fucked!

In the amount of time that it took for us to get
from that office to right here,

every VC in the Valley knows about this.

If I signed those term sheets,
I would be committing fraud.

That's a fucking crime.

You're saying you wanted me to...

No, I wanted you to fucking think about that

before you paraded me
around the whole fucking Valley

to sell your lie.

And then suddenly grew
a thick, girthy conscience

and fucked me with it.

Are you Richard?

- Did you order an Uber?
- Oh, no.

All you had to do was
keep your fucking mouth shut

and sign that piece of paper.

We would have fixed it afterwards.

But you didn't. You caked your pants.

No, better yet, you caked my pants.
Fuck you, Richard Hendricks.

Fuck you.

Richard Hendricks, huh?

Prick.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Monica.

Is Richard here? I heard what happened,
but he's not answering any of my calls.

We just wanted you to know for the record

that we had no idea
any of that stuff was going on.

Still trying to wrap our heads around it.

Point is, don't beat yourself up
about not seeing it.

I'm not beating myself up...

I hope you don't think
we're guilty by association,

because then we would have to think
you're guilty by association.

Which We don't.

Just want to let you know
that we would definitely work

with you again in the future.

It's good to know, guys. Thanks.

Um, is he in his room?

I mean, he said he was.

But...

I'm gonna go to his room.

Mmm-hmm.

Ugh!

What's up, Gleb?

I hear Richard shit bed, huh?

So, the platform is no---

Fuck, now the vid-chat's fucking up.

Odd, considering who wrote the code for it.

Not the code. The server is overloaded.

How is that possible?
We only gave it to, like, 12 people.

Well, there's a few more than that
using it now.

Holy shit.

For what it's worth, Richard,
I think you did the right thing.

And I can see now why you didn't
want to come to us for funding.

You were trying to protect us.

Yeah.

Well, I really appreciate it.

Uh...

Laurie wants out.

Even a whiff of fraud is a mortal sin for VCs.

She needs to wash her hands
of any Pied Piper business.

She's forcing a sale.

Fuck.

Yeah, frick.

Yeah.

But it is an open auction,

and, you know,
between the fraudulent numbers

and the real numbers,

you guys aren't exactly killing it out there.

So, there is a chance that no one will bid

and you might be able to
buy back your own company

for next to nothing.

That will have to be for literally nothing
because we're out of money.

Ow!

Jesus! Are you okay?

Yeah, we're fine.

All right, I spun together a few more servers.
That should handle the traffic.

Look at this.
There are 157 people using it near Gleb.

And 400 people using it near Tara in Boston.

Yeah, I told her to give it to
her Satanist friends out there.

Looks like she did.

She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?

The Catholic church really did
a number on that town.

Hey, Erlich, remember when Gilfoyle said that
my video-chat app was a piece of shit

and that nobody would ever use it?

Well, he was wrong. Over 4,000 times. Tsk.

Wow. And you developed that
with the Pied Piper IP, right?

Well, then you can kiss that goodbye.

Oh, fuck.

Speaking of, I'm actually using
the first dollars of my blog windfall

on a trip to Kainchi Dham Ashram

in Nainital, India,

where Steve Jobs famously sought peace
and came up with the idea

for a little product he called

the Lisa.

Good luck.

Richard, I'll expect you off the premises
by end of day.

Monica.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.

You know, you can stay here for one year.

- Free rent.
- Jian-Yang!

Laurie.

Oh.

Gavin.

You know Jack, of course.

That is correct.

Gavin, can we address
the elephant in the room?

- Sorry?
- Pied Piper.

Right. Yes, of course.

I am forcing a sale.

Your Maleant dealings demonstrate
that you're still pursuing middle-out.

Might you be interested in placing a bid?

Why would he want to bail out Raviga?

You said it yourself,
our compression play is thriving.

- Fair enough.
- You know what? I'm a completionist.

Even if I buy it just to throw it in the garbage,
I'd like to be the one to drive the final nail

in the Hendricks coffin.

I'll give you...

Nine hundred dollars for it?

- I believe that is a joke.
- You know what?

I like nice, round numbers.

Make it...

A million?

A million dollars?

Gavin Belson gets to buy
Pied Piper for a million dollars

and Raviga gets all of it because
of their liquidation preference

and I get jack shit?

Is that what you're telling me? God damn it.

I know this is the last way
that you wanted it to end.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well, I'll see you at the meeting.

Is that Hooli-Chat?

They fix it or something?
That didn't look shitty at all.

Actually, it's ours.
The guys hacked it together.

- I can send you an invite if you want.
- Yeah. Cool. Thanks.

- We got up to 4K users totally organically.
- Oh.

Oh, shit, 7K now.

Wow, we should have been
focusing on this instead.

Not that it matters.

I mean, it's all gonna be property
of Gavin Belson in an hour, so.

That's ironic, huh?

No, for real, I'm asking. Is it?

I don't know. I was just smiling.

Feels ironic.

Hey, so thank you for...

- Letting me stay here.
- No worries.

Steve says you're welcome to
take my spot on the couch

until you can find a job
and get your own place.

Thanks.

So, when's your dad coming to pick you up?

A couple of hours, I guess.

Then we're turning right around
and going back to Phoenix.

You know, he said he wants to be able
to keep an eye on me and my money

and that I need to get a real job
to learn the value of a hard day's night

or something like that.

Well, I should probably get going
to this board meeting.

And you're probably gonna be gone
when I'm back, so...

- Guess this is it.
- Yeah, I guess so.

See ya.

Oh...

-Okay.
-Okay.

- All right. Cool, man.
- There we go.

Richard, even though
it's the last board meeting

and essentially meaningless,

thank you for letting me be a part of it.
It's an honor.

Okay, you don't have to keep saying that.

Good day, all. This should be brief.

The only item on the agenda is,
of course, the authorization

of the sale of Pied Piper
to the current high bidder.

Three "yes" votes will approve the sale.

And as Raviga controls
three of the board seats,

-it seems...
- I'm sorry.

- I'm not doing it.
- Oh, Monica, not again.

I'm sorry, but look,
Richard has worked too hard

and I know that I can't stop it,
but I'm not gonna vote

to let Pied Piper become
the property of that asshole.

Monica, I also happen
to find him contemptible.

But Pied Piper will be sold
to the high bidder, period.

You know what? I don't care.

You want to fire me, fire me.

If we're not gonna adhere to the values
that Peter Gregory instilled,

-then I don't think I belong here.
- Monica, you don't have to do this.

- I'm not voting yes.
- Very well. You're off the board.

Excuse me. Man.

- Do you work here?
- Well, it was my first day actually.

- Everybody's been super...
- Sit.

You are now officially on
the board of directors of Pied Piper.

- Oh, okay. That's fine I guess...
- When I point to you, you will vote yes.

Now, I move to vote on the sale of Pied Piper.

I vote yes.

- I vote yes.
- And Evan.

Evan?

- I can't do it.
- What? Why?

Because“.

Monica?

I love you.

There. I said it.

And I could never do anything
to make you sad.

Oh, for fuck's sake.
Do I have to pull the receptionist in here?

How does this compare
with a typical board meeting?

All right, stop. Everybody, just stop.

We all know how this is gonna go,
so let's just get it over with.

All right?

I vote yes. There. Okay? I approve the sale.

Three "yes" votes.
Can this please just be done?

Very well.

- I vote yes also.
-Irrelevant.

- But thank you.
- The sale is approved.

Pied Piper, its IP, and all of its assets

are now officially the property
of Bachmanity, LLC.

Wait, sorry, did...

Did you just say "Bachmanity"?

- As in Erlich Bachman and Nelson Bighetti?
- Yes, you know them.

Wait, they had the highest bid?

I received a telephone call
approximately 30 minutes ago

entering a bid of one million and one dollars
with a firm no-shop clause.

So, when you were referring to
the person who bought Pied Piper

as a contemptible asshole,
you were talking about Erlich?

To which contemptible asshole
did you think I was referring?

Gavin Belson.

Oh.

I see. No.

This meeting is adjourned.
I thank you all for your time.

So, Bachmanity it is.

That's good.

So, should we give this thing a shot?

You and Big Head, huh?

Um...

Sorry you had to cancel your trip.

And look, I really appreciate all this.

I really think this video-chat thing
is gonna be something, you know?

- I don't know if you've seen the numbers.
- You want a number?

The percentage I give a fuck about you, zero.

It's trending steady.

And of course I've seen the numbers.

This is a business opportunity. Nothing more.

Big Head was your friend.
He was the one that talked me into it.

I don't trust you, Richard Hendricks.

And it's gonna take a long, long, long time
to regain my trust.

Are we clear?

Are we absolutely clear...

Always blue! Always blue!
Always blue! Always blue!

Always blue! Always blue!

Always blue!

- You suck.
- Oh, fuck, it's my dad again.

He's gotta be so pissed.
I can't believe this is happening, you guys.

I mean, I guess now
we're a video-chat company,

but the best part of it is it's us, you know?

Just us controlling our own destiny.

No, the best part of it is that I own 50%.

Well, yes, you and Big Head
do own the entire company,

but I am the founder, it's my algorithm,

so I'm assuming I'm getting
my original shares back, right?

Why would you assume that?

Well, when a tech company reboots,
it's normal to have a conversation

about restructuring the cap table.

Good, 'cause I'm the guy that hacked together
the video-chat app

to see if that woman was hot, so...

Yeah, but it's not gonna scale until
I get in there and scrape all the Dinesh off.

Well, Laurie still hasn't called me back,
so I may need a new job.

And I'm assuming Pied Piper
can't afford my salary,

so I'll need stock.

Do we really want it to be called
Pied Piper anymore?

No, yes, of course. Of course we want...

Why do we want to change the name?
It's great.

Yeah, and we do already have the jackets.

Big. Head.

Big Head.

Go for Erlich.

Erlich Bachman, this is you as an old man.

I'm ugly and I'm dead. Alone.

I'm gonna let him have this one. All right...

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, future me.
What a terrible thing.

I'll talk to you in several years.

You're up.

Always blue! Always blue!

Always blue! Always blue!

Always blue! Always blue! Always blue!