Shaun Micallef's Mad as Hell (2012–2018): Season 15, Episode 4 - Episode #15.4 - full transcript

Did I miss the start of Mad As Hell?

No. Brain Eisteddfod's still going.

Ah. You should be watching
Win The Week.

At least they have the decency
to finish on time.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Oh, who the fuck can that be
at this hour?

Language!
Past the watershed.

(SIGHS) Yes?

Good evening, sir. Are you happy
with your energy provider?

Is that my only choice of emotion?

Would you like me to conduct
a free assessment



of your home's
energy efficiency costs

and recommend dependable,
affordable alternatives?

Well, as you can see,
we already have

one of those weird power-saving
CFL bulbs that no-one likes.

But is it dependable, sir?

I noticed it wasn't working
as I came up your driveway.

Well, that's because it's on
a motion detector.

Blackouts are very common
at the moment, sir,

because of the bloody Labor's
government's months of mismanagement

of this country's unreliable
baseload dispatchables.

That is why we are offering

transitional sources of
alternative energy as a backup.

Coal?

Mad As Hell's started.



Oh. Hmm. What are they doing?
Opening sketch?

Yeah, but it's going on a bit
and now getting self-referential.

I notice they tend to do that
when they don't have a punchline.

(WACKY THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
See? Straight into opening titles.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Well, I can announce it,
it's official -

the climate wars are over!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes.

Um...a real one is about to happen,

but as far as the climate
is concerned,

we are well on our way to reducing
our emissions by 43% by 2030.

Which is only 2% less than
we actually need to reduce it by.

So that's near enough.
So, everybody's happy.

Labor are happy because they're
delivering on an election promise

without having to get into bed
with the Greens.

The Greens are happy

because they don't look like they're
getting into bed with the LNP

like they did when they voted
against the emissions trading scheme

all those years ago.

And the LNP are happy

because they can get into bed with
the right wing of their own party

because they opposed the 43%

but, because they weren't
successful in blocking it,

not rule out the possibility

of sleeping with the moderates
in their party at some stage.

And because it's still going to get
warmer globally in the short term,

the other big news
coming out of Canberra -

that our politicians don't
have to wear ties anymore -

is worthy of celebration as well,
ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Absolutely.

Although, I like a tie.

I don't think a man has any
authority unless he wears a tie.

If I didn't have my tie,
this show would be unwatchable.

It would be like Insiders.

(LAUGHTER)

That is why, in the spirit
of pleasing everybody,

we're launching
the Mad As Hell Open-Necked Windsor.

VOICEOVER: That's right, Shaun,

and with our special
neck flesh-coloured V-knot,

doesn't Tosh look
both formal and casual?

Ideal for work or play,

the Open-Neck Necktie's button-down,
relaxed businessman look

is ideal for a hard day
at the office

or one in the parliamentary benches.

You'll never have to take it off,

or, indeed, put it on
in the first place.

Available only from
Mad As Hell Online.

Mmm, that's nice.

Mmm. Well, any way
you cut it, though,

Labor's first two-week parliamentary
term has been pretty impressive,

and the PM is on the money
when he says...

My government has hit
the ground running.

In particular, running away
from any responsibility

for our current economic situation.

"Nine years of neglect"
is the catchcry,

although federal treasurer
Jim Chalmers has rounded it up

to "a decade of rorts and waste".

Yeah, it's not quite as catchy,
is it?

Doesn't quite have the alliteration
of "nine years of neglect".

Incidentally,
our Nine Years of Neglect T-shirts

are also available online.

Apprentice branch stacker with
the Victorian ALP Cardamom Pye,

how much longer can
Mr Chalmers go around

blaming the dire economic straits
we find ourselves in

on the previous government?

When's the next election?

Three years.

Well, until a couple of years
after that.

Alright, so, five more years?

Well, that's only half as long

as the decade of
rorts and waste, Shaun.

Well, speaking of numbers
that could have been bigger,

the 43% emissions
reductions target...

Shaun, if Albo didn't cave
to Adam Bandt -

who, frankly, is an even bigger
green-left pain in the arse

than you lot here at the ABC -
he's not budging on the 43%.

Albo is a pragmatist
regardless of the consequences.

That's what consensus is all about.
Look!

If Australia today said we are not
going to export any more coal,

what you would see is
a lot of jobs lost,

you would see a significant loss
to our economy,

significantly less taxation revenue

for education, health
and other services.

Just because he's sitting
where the Coalition used to sit

doesn't mean he has to say
what they used to say.

You don't want health and education?

But that's the same sort of
blackmail we got from the other lot.

No-one likes big holes
in the ground, but the point is,

you like your health system,
you like your education system.

You see? You hear that?
Albo is quoting Barnaby Joyce!

Bullshit, Shaun.
He's paraphrasing him.

Anyway, as Albo says, and I quote,
"Not exporting that coal..."

BOTH: ..wouldn't lead to
a reduction in global emissions.

What you would see is a replacement
with coal from other countries.

OK, so, OK, say you run a gun shop

and a psychopath comes in
wanting to buy a gun.

You'd sell it to him because
if you don't, somebody else will?

Have to feed my family.
(LAUGHTER)

Not if he shoots them!

Because, Shaun,
first we need to tackle

the Coalition's decade
of rorts and waste.

Which you're doing
by holding a gun to the head

of our health and education systems.

Why don't you just
let off a few rounds

into those high- to middle-income
tax cuts the other lot promised?

Albo promised to honour the LNP's
stage 3 tax cuts, Shaun,

and he's a man of their word.

(LAUGHTER)

And anyway, it's not about
political ideology,

even if we had one anymore.

Treasury has built in all those
figures into the forward estimates.

Yeah, well, that's reassuring,
isn't it?

'Cause according to your own
Department of Finance,

the federal budget deficit
over the financial year to May

is running $27 billion smaller
than Treasury anticipated

as recently as April's
pre-election update.

Even less reason to worry
about those tax cuts, Shaun.

Treasury's got it sorted.
Hold that thought.

Treasury official Grime Strut
joins us from Canberra now.

Hi, Shaun.

A $27 billion improvement
on what was forecast...

Yes, tremendous result, isn't it?
I'm with Cardamom.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, it's great that things
aren't as bad as we thought,

but my point is,
how did you get it so wrong?

What are you doing there, throwing
darts at numbers on the wall?

You make a forecast in April,

and four months later,
you're out by $27 billion.

Well, in our defence, we do deal
in pretty big numbers, Shaun.

Astronomical amounts of money.

That's not comforting me.
That's what's alarming me.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes, but this is great
for Australia.

Yes, well,
your utter incompetence isn't.

Shaun, I think you're taking
a glass-half-full view of this.

Half full, you think? OK.

Well, with a margin of error
of 27 billion litres,

you're probably around the mark.

But, Shaun, you see,
what you need...

Sorry, Grime, we're having
trouble with the feed.

(LAUGHTER)
Well, thanks very much, Cardamom.

And for coming in tonight,
this lovely T-shirt.

You haven't got a "Decade of
Rorts and Waste", have you?

(LAUGHTER)

And while the Labor government
have enjoyed

a boulevard of unbroken green lights
for the last parliamentary fortnight

by undoing some of the things
the LNP did

and not others,

how's the opposition been doing?

And I ask that because we have to
appear balanced on this program.

(LAUGHTER)

Shadow Prime Minister Peter Dutton's
much-promised makeover

was very much on display in
parliament over the last two weeks.

No longer could Labor taunt him
for looking like Voldemort,

his new glasses proving for all
the world to see once and for all

that he had a nose.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Absolutely.

Brion Pegmatite from Peter Dutton's
office, home and car,

how do you reckon he's been doing?

You think he's managed
to show voters his softer side

by smearing Albo with innuendo
about corrupt union affiliations

for which there's no evidence?

It's the opposition's job to oppose,
Shaun. It doesn't matter what about.

It's obviously very hard to do

when the government are
dealing with problems

we've caused or left unattended
when we were in office.

Or when Labor's policies
are identical as our own.

You can hardly blame us

for making up a few of the things
we're complaining about.

Well, the research shows

that the wealthy abandoned
the Coalition at the election.

Why do you suppose that was?
Because we didn't look after them.

We were so busy shovelling money to
the unemployed during the pandemic

that we forgot which side
our bread's caviared.

We were our own worst enemy.

Which is, of course, the ABC's job.

But the LNP have listened
to the quiet Australians, Shaun,

and we've heard them loud and clear.

What they don't want is
a Liberal National Party...

Well, I think
they made that very clear.

(LAUGHTER)
I haven't finished yet.

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.
Please, go on.

What they don't want is
a Liberal National Party

that abandons its core values
during a crisis.

They want a Liberal National Party
that will stick with those values

no matter how unpopular and unwanted

and unhelpful and outdated
they've become.

And going forward,
we must remember to never forget

to remind ourselves of
the forgotten Australians.

Are the 'forgotten Australians'
the same as the 'quiet Australians',

or are they a different demographic?

Hard to tell.

If they'd speak up a bit and leave
some sort of an impression on us,

then perhaps we wouldn't
have had such a problem

targeting them during the election.

Well, thank you very much, Brion,
and for coming in tonight,

a T-shirt left over by Francis.

(LAUGHTER)

And coming up later in the program,

Ukrainian grain in Turkey
hailed as great stuffing.

Plus free-for-all as police appalled
at call to all-in brawl in Stawell.

(LAUGHTER)

Also, the very latest in potentially
defamatory political gossip

from Nelson.

Uh, what can we expect
this week, Nelson?

Hello, Shaun!
Yes, you are not gonna believe

who I'm gonna try and get you to
'guess who and don't sue' this week.

Is it former New South Wales
trade minister Stuart Ayres?

Yes.
(LAUGHTER)

Well, look forward to that, Nelson.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

The big story
this last week, though,

is less to do with domestic politics

and more to do with
international relations -

and let me tell you,

our international relations
have been having a domestic.

Yes, apparently the big deal

with US House of Reps speaker Nancy
Pelosi visiting Taiwan was that...

REPORTER: The US maintains
it adheres to the one-China policy,

where Taiwan is not recognised
as a country

and the government in Beijing is
the only Chinese government.

Mmm. So, really,
she's just visited China.

Anyway, the Taiwanese
showed her a good time

before awarding her the sash
as Miss Asia Pacific Senior 2022.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
So, it was definitely worth it.

But how does Australia cope
with the dispute,

particularly given we're next door
and can hear what's going on?

Should our foreign minister
knock on the door and say something?

As we know, Penny Wong has had
a hard row to hoe

going around rebuilding bridges
in the region,

given most of them
are either underwater

or haven't been built
in the first place.

But even she's feeling the strain,

walking out on the Kremlin's
Sergey Lavrov at the ASEAN summit

and issuing a joint statement
with the US and Japan

about China firing missiles
over the Taiwan Strait.

Didi Brockwurst is Penny Wong's
diplomatic attache.

Didi, it must be difficult
for Penny to be so diplomatic

with countries as stupid
and thin-skinned as China.

It's much easier
for a LABOR foreign minister

to suppress her feelings, Shaun.

Anyone in the Labor Party, be they
in cabinet or on the front bench,

in caucus, or out stacking
the branches or wherever,

is very used to concealing
their true thoughts

about any given subject

or stifling their revulsion
about a particular person

thanks to years of
having to put up with those

in opposing factions
within the party

in order to curry favour with them
and advance themselves politically.

Whereas in the LNP, they're
encouraged to piss and moan publicly

about every ideological misgiving
they have

about whatever passes
for their policies.

If Labor knows one thing,
it's how to be two-faced.

(LAUGHTER)

Look, Penny's a senator, isn't she?

She's not had to please
an electorate

or demean herself
by pretending to care

about the idiots who comprise
her local constituency

as much as someone might have to
from the House of Reps.

True.
Yeah.

All she has to do is make sure
she's top of the ballot,

which she does by ruthless
Machiavellian brinkmanship.

Rather than having to pretend
to be friendly.

Yeah, see, my worry is
that eventually,

it'll all get too much for her,

she'll erupt like a volcano
and kill everybody.

(LAUGHTER)

Shaun, Penny's from Adelaide.
She's used to being bored.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

She can sit through any number
of tedious ceremonial dances

and stultifyingly inane dinner
conversations that mean nothing

with a half-smile
plastered on her face.

Yeah, but...

The CCCP - and I think they'd be
the first to admit this -

are a bunch of
self-important psychos

overcompensating for
a national inferiority complex.

We have to nod along
with whatever delusional

'we're not part of the Third World'
nonsense they're blabbing about

until we get what we want -
or appear to get what we want.

Alright. And how can you
tell the difference?

You can't.
And eventually, neither can we.

It's like Labor's refugee policy -

pretty much indistinguishable
from the LNP's but for the fact

that the smile we have on our face
as we carry it out

is slightly more convincing.

Not because we enjoy being
cruel and unnecessary as they do,

but because we're better actors.

(LAUGHTER)
Well, thank you very much, Didi.

I've enjoyed talking to you.

Aww. So have I, Shaun.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Well, at the end of the day,

the lesson learned with China
deciding to use its military

to surround an island nation
of 23 million people is obvious -

under no circumstances should Nancy
Pelosi be allowed to come here.

(LAUGHTER)

But if she does somehow manage
to get through our border security,

what happens then?

How do we defend our country from
the war games with live ammunition

and incursions into
our territorial waters?

To answer just this question,
the government have commissioned

former chief of the defence force
Angus Houston

to review our
defence force capabilities.

Of course, war is also
a psychological game,

as much about giving your enemy
the impression

that you are far stronger and more
powerful than you really are.

Something that Angus Houston,
wily old fox that he is,

knows only too well.

Check out his announcement
of his review into our...

..current strategic circumstances,

which I rate the worst
I've ever seen in my career.

(UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER)

OK, maybe he's using
negative psychology.

Vice Rear Cabin Boy Sir Bobo Gargle,
are you worried...

I certainly regret
wearing my white pants.

..about, uh...
(LAUGHTER)

..about projects being cut under
the former defence chief's review?

Oh, no, Shaun. I look forward to it.

A lean, mean fighting machine
is what our military should be.

Take the Battle of Thermopylae. 300
Spartans versus 300,000 Persians.

The Spartans didn't
even need uniforms -

or, indeed, any clothing at all.

If Angus Houston
orders me and my men -

and, to a lesser extent, women -

to strip naked
and defend our country in the nude,

then it will be my honour to do it.

That'll show those Chinese
a thing or two.

Er, assuming it's not too cold.

Well, aside from uniforms, is there
anything else you could do without?

Well, they say an army
travels on its stomach,

so probably we don't need tanks
or armoured personnel carriers.

Those RAAF F-35s are probably
destined for the scrapheap anyway.

In fact, I think that's where
we got them in the first place.

As for the navy, well, I think, as
we've proved for the last 10 years

and will continue to prove
for another 20,

we can get by
without any submarines.

What can't you live without,
though, Bobo?

You know, in the Pandora's box

that is Australia's
military defence capabilities,

what's the last thing
you would like to see RELEASED

from the list of essentials?
(LAUGHTER)

Ah, yes. Released.
I see where you're heading.

Well, probably, Shaun,
my trusty trident.

Without this baby,
my life wouldn't be worth living.

Everything else could go -

armaments, ships, radar,
parachutes, Ben Roberts-Smith...

(LAUGHTER)

..but not this all-powerful
divine instrument of Neptune,

without which I could not summon
from the watery depths

to do my bidding against the mortals

the ocean's most awe-inspiring
and elemental beast!

The kraken!
Oh, we can do without him.

(LAUGHTER)
But I'm keeping my fucking trident!

VOICEOVER: An unexplained wave
of impotence

leaves those at Nonnatus House with
little to do to fill their days,

in the all-new series:

VOICEOVER: He's been described
as a right-wing Tim Minchin.

Charles says everything that
no other Australian artist will say.

# The lefty artists we know well

# Well, I missed your apology
to Cardinal Pell

# Perhaps that's what
you were singing about

# When the wind stopped blowing
and the power went out. #

I think Charles is
the most important voice

in contemporary entertainment
right now.

# You mightn't be a 'he' or 'she',
whatever they say

# But the rules of grammar prevent
me from calling you 'they'. #

People of the centre-right
and the far right

are just so poorly catered for
in the arts these days,

and I'm setting out to change that.

# So now you drive a Nissan Leaf
instead of a Jeep

# Well, if that's what it means
to be woke

# Then let me sleep. #

Charles. On Australian Story.

(APPLAUSE)

Welcome back.

Our hip pocket -
will we soon be able

to fit the contents of it
into our fob pocket?

Feldman Oops from the Reserve Bank,

what's the biggest threat
to the economy right now?

Aside from a Labor government,
obviously.

Inflation, which is why
we've increased interest rates.

And inflation will continue to rise,

so we will continue to increase
interest rates accordingly.

Right, so, as inflation goes up,
everything gets more expensive,

and your solution is
to make another thing -

mortgage repayments -
more expensive?

We need to take pressure
off the supply side.

Because higher interest rates
mean higher borrowing costs,

people will start spending less.

Yes. On food.
(LAUGHTER)

That's certainly one area
where savings could be made.

Right. So, ideally, from the RBA's
perspective, people would starve?

To death, yes.
(LAUGHTER)

And inflation would fall?

Yes, although while it's true
starving people to death

would ease the pressure on supply
by reducing demand,

the downside is it would also
exacerbate the labour shortage.

Inflation will fall
because demand will drop

as people spend less
because of higher borrowing costs.

But by that logic,

wouldn't the higher cost of goods
due to inflation

cause people to spend less
and demand to drop?

Holy shit.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well, a little later on
in our Handy Hints section,

a reminder to avoid being struck
down by the flue this winter

by ensuring your chimney is
properly attached to your house.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Plus, you won't believe

what Marie Kondo's own home
looks like.

(LAUGHTER)

What a complete hypocrite.

Also, a special word
from Sky News's Andrew Bolt.

Penises.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, one of the revelations
from the census this year

was that of the just over 1 million
Australians who are widowed,

eight out of ten are female.

Always great to see an area
where women's representation is up.

I'm not sure if they introduced
quotas for female widows

or whether a lot of women

have simply been murdering
their husbands.

Either way, it's good news.

Less good, though, is the news

that the number of people
identifying as Christians

has plummeted to 43.9%,

and 38.9% of the population

indicating they had no religion.

It's a disappointing result there,

and a substantial swing
away from Christianity

towards the so-called
'teal agnostics'.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, what's the answer?
Is a change of leadership required?

Or should God continue in this role?

To answer this question,

here's Tosh Greenslade
without a wig and glasses.

Thanks, Shaun.

Christianity, like the Liberal
Party, is a broad church -

a broad church that devotees are
no longer turning up to worship at

as they once did.

Not only that,
its branch office in Melbourne

is facing strong financial headwinds

due to things it can't control,
like the pandemic,

and things it can control
but didn't.

Plus, it's lost the law firm that
for many years successfully argued

that it didn't exist legally
and couldn't be sued.

So, the question is, should
the Catholic Church go for broke

and become
a publicly listed company,

so it can go into receivership
and be wound up?

For if it is easier for a camel
to pass through the eye of a needle

than for a rich man to enter
into the kingdom of heaven,

a section 44 bankruptcy notice

is sure to get you waved in
by St Peter.

But if the Catholic Church

are looking for long-term
financial viability,

their best option might be

to overturn decades of previous
practice on just about everything

and list themselves on the ASX.

It'd make shareholders
out of its flock,

and an IPO would raise
some much-needed capital.

Sure, they may be worried

about losing their tax-free
charitable status,

but that's only because they haven't
realised that being a corporation

entitles you to do
much the same thing anyway.

Plus, if the church started
legally treating itself

as the business it basically is,

they could ditch the current CEO,
hold an AGM

and replace him with someone with
experience running an organisation

preaching outdated moral values

that its own administrators
regularly fail to live up to,

all while demanding strict
ideological purity

from its followers.

Shaun.
Thanks very much, Tosh.

Tosh Greenslade there...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

..not in a wig and glasses.

To war in Ukraine now,

and Russian President Vladimir Putin
has delivered on his promise

to Belarusian President
Viktor Lukashenko

to supply nuclear-capable
missile systems to his country,

a decision which threatens
to further escalate the war,

the wholesale destruction
of its cities

and displace millions more
of its citizens.

Not to mention the nuclear threat
to the rest of the world.

But Instagram micro-influencer
Lulu Beef, you've broken a nail.

I have. I'm really bummed.

Oh, you poor thing.

It sucks. I just had them done.
Mmm.

And we'll have more on Lulu's nail
later on in the program

on our Social Media Feed Round-Up,

scrolling through what's happening
both here and overseas.

Thank you, Lulu.
Bye.

Speaking of which,

New Zealand MPs have been warned
not to use TikTok

because of fears that
China could access their data.

Test Pop
from the New Zealand Herald,

is TikTok popular amongst your MPs?

Oh, well, they're not supposed to
use it for official business, Shaun.

But have a look at this clip

from the ministerial
swearing-in ceremony.

(UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

And this press conference
with two of our cabinet ministers.

(LAID-BACK SYNTH MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

It's not the sort of thing
you want China to see, is it, Shaun?

Or any living organism, really.
What could China do with that data?

Well, the fear is they could use it

to create a horrific
long-running musical, Shaun.

(LAUGHTER)
Please, God, no.

And while you're doing
that character,

can I get you to tell me
your favourite food?

Fush and chups.
Mm-hm.

(LAUGHTER)
Favourite number?

Sux.
(LAUGHTER)

And favourite activity?
Six.

Alright, well, I think
that covers all the cliches.

Thank you very much, Test.
With sheep.

(LAUGHTER)
With sheep, of course, Shaun.

Ah, yes. Absolutely.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

FRANCIS: The richest quiz show
on the planet is coming to the ABC.

From September 13,
join me, Francis Greenslade,

for Who Wants To Win
An Iceberg Lettuce!

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)
Welcome back.

War. What is it good for?

Against China, I'd say it's good
for about five minutes

and then we have to surrender.
(LAUGHTER)

That is, unless our defence
capabilities can be improved.

Angus Campbell will be doing
his best, but it's up to us too.

Thelma Coldcut-McSwabuckle has more.

THELMA: Australia is exposed,
on her back,

her fat, white belly ready to be

if not tickled by
regional superpower China,

then at least have raspberries
blown into it by Indonesia.

(LAUGHS MANICALLY)

Oh! We may laugh then,
but what about now?

How do we protect ourselves

with French submarines
that never got around to being made,

or those under which
the AUKUS agreement,

which will also never get made
at twice the cost?

The answer can be found
not at this weekend summit

for Australian
naval defence personnel,

where the main topic of discussion
was which laundry detergent was best

for getting stains out of their
uniforms on the following Monday,

but here in this tool shed

deep in the outer inner-Adelaide
suburb of Bubon-Upon-Neck,

where amateur boilermaker
Craig Javello

is working on his own
submarine fleet,

one that he hopes to sell to the ADF
for over $700 billion.

So far, he's successfully fastened
a bulldog clip

onto a piece of garden hose.

There's no point in leaving
the security of the nation

in the hands of the military.

Time and again, they fail us.
Take Gallipoli - a disaster!

The bombing of Darwin - where were
the highly trained sea monsters

to swat them out of the skies
with their tentacles?

Khe Sanh...is a good song.

When Maria and I have ironed
the bugs out of our beds,

got a good night's sleep

and then gone back to work
on our submarines in the morning,

then we'll all be able
to sleep at night

without being bitten to death
by lice!

Six months later, Craig and Maria
have a working prototype

of their Grandson of
Collins-class sub,

one that they hope the navy
will order in their thousands.

He's hoping to have them
mass-produced in China.

I asked him if he's worried
about entrusting the design

of a potential military defence
system for this country

to our enemy.

I'm more worried
about that mutant mosquito

I accidentally let on board!

(SHRIEKS)
Maria! Deploy laser beams!

Die! Why won't you die?!

At an illegal arms sale
in Saudi Arabia,

Craig's submarine is ignored

and Australia buys a fleet
of Swedish miniature subs instead

because they're cheaper.

Craig and Maria immediately set
to work on a kamikaze dirigible

filled with highly explosive
poison gas

that he's hoping the NRL will
be interested in leasing

for the half-time entertainment
on grand final day

instead of Birds of Tokyo.

Unfortunately, a test flight
over the Bermuda Triangle

to impress Peter V'landys
goes horribly wrong

and Javello's blimp disappears
without a trace.

Missing several days now
and presumed dead,

Craig Javello now represents
the forgotten Australians.

In fact, I had to look his name up
in my notes before recording this.

But this country's
enterprising spirit

will never die
and be remembered for...

Maria! Thank God you're alive!

I was at my wit's end trying to turn
this coconut into a volleyball!

Maria! Maria!

Look after Wilson until I get back!
Uh...

And tell him not to worry!

Maria! It's me!

Mmm. Well, not coming up because
Aftertaste is on in a minute...

Spike in Australian divorce rate
particularly high among bad actors.

And biosecurity stepped up
on passengers returning from Bali.

And finally...

A thief who posed as an NBN worker

has been sentenced
to nine months behind bars.

He's considered unlikely

to make good connections
with other prisoners, and the...

(LAUGHTER)
..and the nine-month sentence

is expected to take him
four years to complete.

(LAUGHTER)
Goodbye.

(WACKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.