Shameless (2004–2013): Season 8, Episode 1 - Episode #8.1 - full transcript

Anyone watching
thinking we know fuck all

about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their back.

So you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,

sending prices sky-high,

literally, literally
taking the grass from its own roots!

Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation,

Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking DIMPs up!

Have we had a national
fucking stroke or what?

Is revolution a word
or was it never?

Anybody watching needs to know

we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.



Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester,

and they charge us for water?

I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.

This green and pleasant land
in ancient times.

Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak!

It's not theirs any more.

This is our England now!

Paaaarty!

Cogito ergo sum.

Pardon my French,
well Latin, actually.

The English is
"I think therefore I am",

a phrase captured by some
snail-chewer called Rene Descartes.

Essentially, it means that because
you're capable of logical thought,

you are aware of your existence.



But by the same method,

you haven't got the foggiest
what's going on in my head,

so there's no real way
of knowing I definitely exist.

I could be a figment
of your imagination,

me and everything,
y'know, everyone in your world.

♪ There's a star man

♪ Waiting in the sky

♪ He'd like to come and meet us

♪ But he thinks he'll blow our mind

♪ There's a star man

♪ Waiting in the sky... ♪

Fuck.

Off.

What, a stag night?

If I wanted an evening of ritual
humiliation, I'd stay at home.

Are you sure you want to go
through with this wedding?

You won't catch me getting married again.

I'm not going to stay and
have my private life dissected

and judged by the likes of you.

Same again, Jamie. My round, lads.

Cos I don't know how
I can even begin to explain

what it is that
me and Libby have got precisely.

Er... Try.

Well, starters, we're in love.

Just because you've never had
the love of a good man!

The only things Frank loves come
with a Government health warning.

We're soulmates!

Her soul, my soul.

Arseholes!

Arseholes!
Well said, sweet pea.

I don't need a ring on me finger
or a blessing from fuck knows who,

but she does.
She's happy, I'm happy.

OK, he's not perfect,
but who the bloody hell is!?

I'm not far off.
A few minor blemishes but...

This is no time for jokes!

Who's joking?

Any wonder she's been on the shelf as
long as she has with that attitude?

When I were her age,

men were falling over themselves
to get to me.

Falling over their
fuckin' guide dogs.

We were just pulling your leg.

That's what I was just saying.

Frank's altered
since they've been together.

Often hear him in the pub
talking about you.

People saying
they've never seen him so happy.

The cause of all the trouble
in all the world

since the dawn of time,

can be traced right back

via one singular route to...

the moustache!

Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, Mandelson...

Down you go!

Freddie Mercury!

I'm not stupid.

I'm aware of his shortcomings

and I'm going into this
with my eyes open.

Well, if only you'd set
your sights a little higher.

And the cupboard was bare.
Right, girls, pub.

I'll be over as soon as Liam shows.

Oh, should've asked Mickey to
keep an eye on her. He's got Cilla.

Just as easy to look
after two kids as it is one.

How the fuck would you know?

You're sticking with the name then?
Cilla. Are you a fan?

Step Inside Love was a great song.

Is it a Liverpoodlian thing?

But I always preferred Lulu.
That thing she did with her accent.

Scottish one minute,
English the next. Such talent.

It's got nothing to do
with being Scouse, Lillian,

and everything to do with the birth

being one fuck
of a Surprise Surprise.

Cilla Maguire, then?

Stop fishing.

Come on, Mimi, who's the daddy?

You really do want
your face rearranging, don't you?

Hm.

Who could blame her? Later, Libs.

Hiya, Avril.

Is everything all right?

Letitia! Letitia!

Your father's here.

He's at football.

Goalie got a groin strain,
match was cancelled.

Why didn't you get changed?

If your father finds out I've sent
you to private school

he'll kill me! I don't know how much longer
I can keep this up!

Once you're in uni, it's all over.

Once you're in uni, it's all over.
I might not even get into uni.

You better bloody had.

The amount I've spent
sending you to that place.

I want the lot. GCSEs, A-levels
and a first class degree.

Liam's asked if she can give him
a hand with his homework again.

Should bring him in here.

He doesn't like anyone
knowing he's struggling.

Put the lock on.

This do ya?

Mm! Yes!

Ah! Ah-ha!

Too soon! Too soon!

You like it like that, eh?

You want a bit of that?

Agh!

Yeah!

Aghh!

Go to mummy.

Look after the baby
a bit longer will you, son?

Hiya, Stevie. I don't know
if you remember me but...

Mimi?

Phil, I know this sounds weird, and
believe me, all I'm after is answers.

Would it be possible to talk inside?

I don't think
the wife'd be too impressed.

What I need to know is
if you can remember when we...

got together.

I need you to take a blood test.

Shit.

You've not got the AIDS, have you?

Definitely August?

Look, I was pissed.

To see if you're me child's father.

No chance of that, Mimi.
I had the snip 20 years ago.

It was a one night stand
and I'm cool with that.

What was a one night stand?

Shit.

It's not what you think!

What the fuck would you know
about what I think?

She's out tonight.

Ooh. Any chance of a rematch?

I took advantage, honest...

Oh!

Agh!

You bitch!
You've ruined everything!

Mimi?

Can I see your dad, please, Andy?

Sure.

I'm off t'pub.
Planning the wedding.

I'm so excited, I can't tell you.

We're having ice sculptures -
famous Mancunians in literature.

I'm sorry to disturb you.

Is it possible to speak
to Mr Gallagher, please?

Vernon Francis Gallagher?

I'm afraid he's not in
at the moment.

I'm his fiancee, can I help you?

It's about his daughter,
Deborah Gallagher.

So what's all this about?

You might be missing Connor.
I know he's been missing you.

Thought you might want to see him.

So you and Joe?

This is about me and you.

Joe told me Connor was his.

Showed me the DNA results.

Well he called your bluff.

And if you'd have opened the envelope
you'd have seen it was a gas bill.

What's going on? I said I'd kill him and I
meant it so why would he agree to this?

I haven't got time for this.

Offer's on the table.

Call me
when you're thinking straight.

You're dumping Connor.

He's found out Connor's mine.

Fucking cuckoo in the nest
and he wants rid.

Wants to play happy families,
have his own kids.

Send you to sweet talk me
so you can offload?

Karen!

Jamie!

I said I'd kill you if I ever saw
you again.

It's not him!

It's not him!

Oh, it's not another fucking
Dr Who convention, is it, Lillian?

No, why?

It's just, after tickets...

Can't get a minute's peace,
what is it?

I'm sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

All I'm after is a quiet fucking
pint with the lads and in she walks.

It's Debbie.

She's been killed in Afghanistan.

Fucking rag-heads.

If you need anything, Frank.

You could chuck us 40 fags
until the giro hits my account.

Just need to anaesthetise.

Cheers.

No credit.

Leave it!

You're haemorrhaging profit left,
right and centre and this is why.

He's just lost his daughter.

And our family will lose this shop
if you carry on like this.

Name?

Frank Gallagher.

Frank "32.85 outstanding on your
slate" Gallagher.

Frank, "my daughter died defending Queen
and country for the likes of you"

Gallagher's got a better ring
to it. But yeah.

You're bang out of order, Sita.

You know what, don't even worry
about it, mate.

I'll take over here.

I'm fine.

I know for a fact you
haven't slept a wink.

Looking after Liam,
Carl, Frank.

Let me look after you.

Beans on toast do you?

We've nothing in.

I'm not that hungry.

You've not had any breakfast.

You've got to eat something.

I'll go round the shop.

Liam?

It's OK, your mum's here.

Liam. Carl.

Monica?

Oh, oh, oh!

Frank, our little girl.

Don't worry. I'm here now.

I don't know what came over me.

I'm not the fainting type.

It's the shock. You've suffered a
terrible loss.

And you're God knows how many
months up the spout.

My children need me. You need me.

Could you give us...
a few moments in private?

Oh, of course. Sorry.

Have you heard from Carl?

Texted him. Not heard back yet,
I think he's best left.

What are you doing here?

Saving you from yourself.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't
serve him with alcohol again.

Bird?

Cousin.

Sita, I told grandad,
I don't need his help.

So you reject
his help but accept his money?

Back off.

As soon as you prove you can behave like the
good Muslim boy I know you to be, I will.

I'll top and tail with Mum.

Frank can take the couch.

Can't have you
cramped in your condition.

Six weeks to go. I can't wait.

A little bundle of love.

Oh, that big bundle of cash.
I'm a surrogate

for a gay couple in Oldham
who've got everything

they could possibly want, bar kids.

You're going to give it away?

Oh no, I get 18K. For him. Ricky
Martin.

I haven't formed an emotional
attachment. You got kids?

The timing was never right.

You didn't find a man until
Mother Nature withdrew her favours.

Aw! Career woman?

Librarian.

Hardly worth it, was it?

Where did you meet?

It was in the poetry section, reading Byron,
Wordsworth, "I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud".

In a cloud if I know Frank.

We had an immediate attraction.

Oh yeah, we had one of them.

I got knocked up in the gents
in the Wigan Casino all-nighter.

That's where we made little Fifi.
Fiona.

Oh.

It's supposed to be in three weeks.
I really don't see how we can go ahead.

Oh, but it's exactly what
Debbie would have wanted.

New beginnings.

Oh, you must go ahead.

I don't think Frank...

I know how to get around Frank.
You leave him to me.

Usual, Monica?

What, in my State?

Just a single.

Oh.

Debbie would have loved that.

Except for the flowers.
She weren't big on lilies.

On the house. Sorry for your loss.

Thanks, Jamie.

To Debbie.

It's...our little girl.
It's our Debbie.

Please, Frank, don't.

We had a whip-round.
The wake's on us. Food, booze.

Oh, man, that's such a comfort.

Debbie wouldn't have
wanted this.

All these miserable faces.

Let's celebrate her life, eh?

Drinks for everyone.

A toast. For Debbie.

It's not like we can't afford it.

I've got some cash coming my way.

Cilla's out like a light.

OK?

Feel like shit.

Exhausted with it all.

Mam, don't be embarrassed.

When me and your dad separated
I did anything

and everything to get some
sense of self-worth.

To prove to myself that
I was still attractive.

Desirable.

Well I think you're lovely.

Even in the light.

A beauty all your own.

Do you think?
Yeah.

And once you get past the accent
and that you always reminded me

a bit of Dawn French.

Fucking hell, Mickey,
she's twice the size of me.

But gorgeous.

When Cilla asks me who her dad
is I want to be able to tell her.

I want to look her in the eye
and give her his name.

Must think I'm some kind of slut.

Mam.

I'm a 21st century type of guy.

I've probably slept with more
than that on a busy weekend.

You know, birds, obviously.

Tits and stuff. Flange.

Tell her, Dad was the most
handsome man you'd ever met.

That he was here on a fact-finding
trip from the States.

Something to do with housing policy
under a directive from "Baracks Obama".

And you fell for his manly
charms.

The way his muscles strained against
the pure white cotton of his shirt.

You had one night of love
and Cilla was born from that love.

Months later he found out
you was up the spout.

Was on his way back,
died in a plane crash.

Do you reckon she'll buy that?

Yes.

Silver lining for your black cloud.

♪ Will you ever
know that you're my hero?

♪ Everything I would like to be. ♪

This is just a warm-up.

When we have the real wake, we'll give
our Debbie one hell of a send off.

We'll give her a celebration
she'll never forget.

We'll never forget.

♪ Wings. ♪

What are you having?

Jamie, a drink for the future
Mrs Gallagher.

No, I'm fine thanks.

Are you sure?

Don't worry. He's safe.

It's just that we've got a past,
me and him.

Past.

I gave him
the best years of my life.

Twice!

He's all yours, lovey,
my heart belongs to another.

My civil partner.

I'm gay. Got married in a posh tent
in Devon. Are you shocked?

I was just wondering.

I'm so, so sorry. It's terrible when
your children die before you.

Not nature's way.

You have never lost a kid.

I might as well have lost my Rodney.

For all the use he is.

I was just wondering when you'd be
coming back to the house?

It's Liam. He needs his mum,
he needs you there.

So I'm a bad mother now?

No, no.

Someone who can't even produce

a child of their own calling me
a bad mother.

That's not what I said.

Here's me grieving and she's
telling me I'm a bad mother.

I didn't. I didn't say that.

Fuck sake. Show some sensitivity.

You should be helping
instead of hindering.

It's all right. It's OK.

About before.

The less said from you the better.

You need to lie down.

You're exhausted.

That baby will come out
pie-eyed.

She should be ashamed of herself.

Everyone deals with
grief in different ways.

And getting pissed and moving back
in with her ex is hers, I suppose?

I thought you were
cleverer than that.

Your aura's all wrong.

For a soon to be married man.

Oh, that'll be the small
matter of losing our daughter

Don't grieve, Love.

She's on a higher plane.

I studied under a Reiki
Master in Glastonbury.

Three months in a year.

Your kundalini needs raising.

Your chakras can't
function properly.

Oh, I feel for you.

There is nothing wrong with me
other than the obvious.

Spirits battling.

"Am I doing the right thing?"

If you mean Libby,
I am doing the right thing.

Someone needs to tell Fiona.

Then call her.

It's not something you can do over the phone.
She'll be upset. Need family with her.

She's got a husband.

I'll call you when I get there.

And me and Fiona can drive over
and see Lip.

There's no way I can let you leave.

You can't stop me.

Wait there,
I'll fetch your mum and dad.

Liam's...

Lib.

It wasn't how it looked.

Her on her knees? You with your
trousersround your ankles?!

Libby, she was just trying it on.

You know, Indian head massages.
She was trying to raise me diphthong.

You've got cold feet, been having
second thoughts - it's obvious.

I've been having them ever
since we named the day.

Ah, fuck.

Look, I've been thinking about
me track record

and whether I've got the stamina
for another stab at matrimony,

and the fact that I'm still here
says yes...

says I still want to marry you.

Doesn't it?

I don't know.

Nothing happened!

And if you don't believe that,
let's call the whole thing off.

I owe you an apology.

I was rude, insensitive.

Obviously I didn't know and, erm...

I'm sorry.

Cheers.

How about you buy me
a drink some time?

Make up for it.

I don't drink.

I'm Muslim.

You're not supposed to drink?

What about summat to eat, then?

Muslims eat, don't they?

It's been known.

Chinese buffet in town, all you can
eat for a fiver.

Can't blame a man for trying,
can you, Ches?

Do yourself a favour, mate...

Don't go there.

She's more trouble than she's worth.

You'll never change him.

Two previous wives
failed miserably

and you've got nothing
they weren't equipped with.

It's time to admit defeat.

Surrender.

There's no shame in it.

You want to be with me? Say it!

I want to be with you.

Say it again.

I want to be with you.

I want to marry you.

Prove it.

It's a start.

Anyway, as soon as Milly's
here in the morning, I'll be gone.

Good.

That's my house, you old bitch!

It stopped being your house
when you walked out.

For the second time.

Oh, give it a bloody rest, Liam.

I had to go. This place was
killing me and you know it.

Why did you come back?

For you.

And Carl.

Your sister's dead.

Why did you really come back?

I'm your mother.
Isn't that reason enough?

No.

Anyway what's between your dad
and me is above right and wrong.

No, not now!

Someone's trying to get through.

Away! Away!

Get away from me!

She came to me.

Debbie came to me. She can't rest!

She was holding a dress,

a wedding dress
and she was shaking her head.

Came to you in a dream, as opposed
to you just having a dream?

You won't stifle my spirit
with your cynicism.

I've had visitations in the past,
all proved true.

A coalition government,

collapse of the banking system,
Dannii Minogue's pregnancy.

Her spirit's in torment.

She can't pass over
until she's healed.

Only you can heal her, Frank.

You have the power.

We've got to focus, concentrate.
Can you switch your phones off?

What's going on, Mum?

Just clearing the channels.
She's trying to come through!

It's bad spirits.

Out!

Out!

Out!

She says she's been trying to call you but
there's something wrong with your phones.

Who?

Debbie.

She's alive.

Alive!

Don't be waiting for a wedding
invitation - you won't be invited.

He'll let you down.

Might take months,
might take years...

..probably take weeks.

But he'll let you down.

It was just a joke,
that got out of hand.

You knew what you were doing, Mum.

I find out our marriage is over,
in a letter.

A letter?!

Brought it on yourself.

Abandonment?!

I never even had him to abandon -
he always had something

more interesting to occupy himself
with than me or his kids.

I just wanted to hurt him,
like he hurt me.

So you tell him Debbie's dead
to hurt him?

All right, so I was wrong -
naughty Mummy!

You hurt the rest of us too.

How dare he be so fucking happy!

I've got 18 grand
coming my way.

Come with me.

No.

Disneyland?

Florida, not the shit one.

All right.

You'd better be off, then.

I'll wait until the bus comes.

It'll only make it worse.

Anyway, your dad'll need you.

He'll be all right.

Stag night should sort him out.

Stag night?

Tonight. Bye.

Jackson!

Stag do, tonight?

Sorry - I'm busy, Carl.
Relatives coming.

Lockdown!

Forgot to tell you,

They've cancelled. He'll be there.

Fuck d'you do that for?

Because it's the third time you've been
asked and the third time you've said no.

What have I got in common
with any of them?

Football, politics?

I'm sure they might not even have heard
of Martin Luther King

and swung their pants to Bob Marley.

You think this is about colour?

No - I think it's about you
being an uptight,

conceited tosspot with
a superiority complex.

You're a trainee teacher,
not a fucking Nobel Prize winner.

And if we've got any chance
of fitting in round here

you'd do well to remember that.

I am not having a stag do!

Look, we need to celebrate.

Liam's good as well
to keep an eye on him.

Someone's got to make sure he gets home in
one piece and it ain't going to be me.

No, no, no, we need a theme.

Come as your favourite blonde!

Er... Marilyn, er,
Madonna, Hulk Hogan.

Elvis?

Elvis?
Ooh, I am liking that one.

Young Elvis, old Elvis, fat Elvis.

Dead Elvis.I am not fucking
dressing up for anyone.

Which means there's only
one thing for it, then.

Jackson. Voddie chaser?

Bit early, cheers, Jamie.
Half a lager'll do me.

That's more like it, baby!

Open them legs!
Fuckin' have some of that!

Get up, lad! Get up, lad!

Party games!

Oh, fuck that.
How old do you think I am?

Bouncy castle!

Pin the tail on the donkey!

Hey, y'know, to say that I was
not looking forward to tonight

is an understatement.

Obviously!

But it has been
fuckin' monu-fuckin'-mental.

It's times like this when you, you,
you know who your real friends are.

We love you, too, Frank.

Friends,

brothers, in arms, y'know,
who care, y'know,

who's willing to go that extra mile.

I think that's going
a bit too far, actually, mate.

Bastards! You bas...!

Liam! Liam!

Liam, Liam!

You look like shit, Mimi.

And you sell your fanny
for a living,

but do you hear me
going on about that?

What was it exactly
they were arrested for?

♪ Chariots Of Fire: VANGELIS

So did Frank behave himself?

I made sure of it.

Home. Please. Now.

Sorry?!

She's due a feed in an hour.

Good night?

Was all right. Wouldn't have bothered
going if you hadn't pushed me.

Fry up back at home, Carl.

Vitamin C and a darkened room.

Wait!

Where's Frank?

It was a night of revelry,
high spirits.

All I want to know is, where is he?

Will you please take this seriously?
Frank is missing.

The man I intend to marry

has disappeared and
I need to know where he's got to!

Off dipping his wick somewhere
it's not wanted. Spilling his seed.

Look, we're sorry,
we can't really remember much.

Where did you see him last?

Before we proceed,
I think Liam should leave the room.

This could get ugly.

He's fine with ugly.

That brass was a right minger,
weren't she?

A prostitute?! No offence.

None taken.
Even I draw the line at prepubescent.

And whose bright idea was that?

What were you doing in a brothel?

You weren't treating
Frank to anything, were you?

No. He weren't there, then.
He'd left.

Left? You let him go?

On his own?

Libby, we were pissed.

What those men did...

I call them men.

Your first time only happens once and
it shouldn't happen at the age of 12,

shoved into a room with a
woman old enough to be your mother.

She was 18.

I don't know if that's worse.

We didn't do it.

You mean you're...intacto?

I'm not sure that term applies
to the male of the species.

I gave her the money for her time,

won it back in a game
of three-card brag.

Kept enough for
a fish supper and a cab home.

When was the last time you saw him?

Think, Liam, please.

In the cemetery.

He'll be all right.
I know he will be.

Yeah. No.

Yeah, but no.

But it can't be, "Yeah, but no."
You either saw him or you didn't.

It was someone like that, but black.

This guy was dressed like that,
but a dwarf.

No, he was definitely Asian.

He had a terrible problem
with saliva. Kept dribbling.

These are from Mimi. You told her
we were having Libby's hen do here?

Mm-hmm.

Why?

Cos Libby needs cheering up
and I fancy a bit of female company.

Who's invited?

Plenty more where this came from.
Loads left in the kitty, too.

We can splash
what's left on a stripper.

Bit of a busman's holiday
for me, Lillian. No cock, please.

So, lager, cider, vodka, mixers.

And no cock.

I'll have a cock, if it's on offer.

You'll have to bring your own.

Can we not just have a little cock?

A little one's
hardly worth having, is it?

Just off to the pub.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Don't rush back.

And, ladies!

Sorry. Can I just ask that you don't
touch the vinyl? Collector's items.

Alphabetised, would you believe?

I would, if I knew what it meant.

I should move this, too.

Bloody hell, it looks like
a brewery under here.

Ah, shit!

You've not toasted Libby yet!

And you're not getting out of here
until you do.

Put a smile on your face,
for everyone else's sake,

if not your own.

Something's wrong, Mum.
I can feel it.

Liam said he's done this type of thing a
thousand times when he was with Monica.

But he's never done it once
while he's been with me.

Maybe he's got cold feet.

There's no maybe about it,
the man doesn't want to marry you.

What more does he need
to do to convince you?

You're determined to see me unhappy.

I'm determined
to make you see sense.

You asked him to prove he loved you

and he's failed miserably.
End of story.

All right? Don't mind, do you?

The pub was a bit empty.

Food's that way.
Booze on the table.

Anything could land us in court's in
the backyard and at your own risk.

How many's he had?

One.

Yes, lads! You made it!

I think Mum might be right.

Maybe I pushed him too far,

made too many demands.

Maybe I've frightened him off.

Maybe he's sleeping off
the mother of all hangovers

and you'll see him bright
and bushy-eyed tomorrow morning.

Chill, Libs. Stress is a killer!

Never happier than when she's
got something to complain about.

Will you look at that?

Terrible behaviour.

Off! Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off!

What is it you're on, Mimi?

Holy Mother preserve us!

Come on, Mimi, it's not that big!

Come on, Mum.Mum?

Oh, fuck! Ambulance. Quick!

Mam? Mam!

Give us your phone.
Mam?

Good luck, Mimi!

Frank!

'And even if you do find
that you are indeed

'the only being in existence and that
everyone else, everything else in your world

'is merely a figment
of your imagination, just enjoy it.'

I heard a whisper
that Frank's missing.

Libby! We have to get back to Libby!

You're not up to running
the business, Shane.

Bollocks!

I'm married to the
head of the family now.

If I make a complaint,
you could lose your job?

Liam and Stella are my
babies and they should be with me.

If it carries on like this we'll lose
the business or someone'll get hurt.

Finish it now!

Yeees!

Yes!

You called the council.

You're not taking
Liam and Stella away.

We have got to find your father.

'You hear about
these alien abductions

'and it's all terror and fear.
One-eyed green monsters dragging you

'across the universe
to aid their experiments.

'But that's not been my experience.

'Quite the opposite, in fact.

'No complaints thus far.

'No interference of any sort.

'You know, no temperature taken, no
blood pressure, no blood samples.

'Even managed to escape
the old anal probing.

'I think I spoke too soon.'

Argh!