Shameless (2004–2013): Season 10, Episode 2 - Episode #10.2 - full transcript
Frank does well at World of Burgers,becoming employee of the week and hits it off with colleagues and customers but not the sweaty manager Wesley,who makes him dress as a giant chicken to promote the place. Frank retaliates with a go-slow so Wesley promotes him to manager but,following an armed robbery by one of his acquaintances,Frank is demoted again. Karen is alarmed when her son Connor starts to draw penises on walls so Mimi,with the aid of a stolen library book,starts to give her lessons in motherhood. However,after a traumatic incident with her daughter Cilla,Mimi realises that child rearing cannot be conducted via books and that each case is different. Kelly,angry with Aiden for calling her an old prozzie, tries to teach him to respect women,ultimately becoming a surrogate mother figure for him.
What?
No, I didn't steal this shit.
If you bothered to watch
last week's episode,
you'd know that.
Police!
Police!
- Jesus!
- What the fuck, asshole?
- Shit!
What the fuck
Mikey?
Frank.
I deserve to feel special.
Don't look at me like that.
I've got a system.
It's all going back.
You're a disgrace,
Gallagher.
I never, ever want
to see your face again,
not on my campus
and not ever in my army.
We clear, son?
Crystal, sir.
Boy or girl?
- Boy.
- Tami?
We don't know yet.
She's still in surgery.
Hey, any of those
glazed doughnut holes
left down in the break room?
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Hey.
Ugh!
Get the fuck off me!
What's your problem?
I'm sick of the smell
of goddamn mayonnaise.
It's like getting screwed
by a bowl of potato salad
every morning.
It's the only lube
we have in this shithole.
Well, it makes me wanna gag
every time you come near me.
Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking
a shit every night at 8:15
is a real fuckin' bed of roses.
At least my shit
gets flushed,
unlike your
coleslaw-smellin' dick.
Can't be 8:30, can it?
Or seven o'clock?
No, Mickey has to shit
every night
at the exact same time.
That's annoying.
- Shut up!
- Is it?
Is it as annoying as the way
you lick your finger
every single time
you turn the page
of whatever faggety-ass
book you're reading?
- Okay.
- "My name's Ian.
I can't turn the page
like a normal human being.
I have to put my whole
goddamn paw in my mouth."
You know what? If you
actually knew how to read,
maybe you'd understand,
not, "Look at these fucking
squiggle-dings all over
this piece of paper!"
Every morning,
the same shit!
You're like old women!
I came to prison
to get away from my parents.
Eat my cornhole, cocks!
Not if it smells
like mayonnaise.
- Exactly!
Let's go! Line it up!
Hey.
I wanna see the warden
about getting a new roommate.
What is this,
fuckin' summer camp?
Get your ass to breakfast.
Hey, we made it, huh?
No problem.
Asses up
if you want coffee!
You start bonin' dudes
while I was away at school?
Occasionally,
if the mood strikes.
I was talkin' to Frank.
Can't two grown men
share a bed together
without it being sexual?
- No.
Go for Carl.
Yeah, yeah,
it's still available.
All right.
I'll send you the address.
Stinky, dirty, wet!
Wash your own shit!
You both owe me
rent money.
Oh, come on.
Thirty-seven bucks a night,
plus five if you'll be
showering.
- What about Carl?
- I'm selling my military gear
- to get some cash.
- Electricity, gas,
and water for the month
is 48 bucks.
Let me know
if you'll be eating here.
I have various
meal plans available.
You don't need
to pay rent, Frank.
You're the patriarch
of this family.
He is?
I'm keeping the
coffee warm for ten minutes.
Then I'm dumping it.
- Little Red Riding Twat
needs to understand
who's boss around here.
Me?
Yes, you.
- What's goin' on?
Tryin' to figure out
who I am,
what's my identity
Dr. King, Dr. Dre?
Maybe you should
set your sights lower,
you know, like Tiga, Nelly,
or maybe one
of the Wayans brothers.
Or Lester Holt.
- You Carl?
- Who's asking?
I answered an ad
on Craigslist.
Lookin' to buy
some military gear.
- It's all right here.
- Cool.
You take 75?
Ad said 100.
I figured I'd try.
- Figured I'd walk away.
- Wait, no, no, no.
Here, here.
It's fine.
Hundred bucks.
It's all there.
I promise.
I'm starting ROTC
in the fall.
- I gotta train this summer.
- Mm.
So what got you interested
in becoming an officer?
Went down
to the recruiting offices,
played them shoot-'em-up
video games?
Something like that.
Can I have the bag?
What, the recruiters
make you think
you're gonna become
this officer,
big war hero,
leading men into battle?
I don't know. Maybe.
I guess.
They tell you that you
could be one of the very few,
make a difference,
that you could
do something your life,
change your destiny?
Hey, might even become
a general one day.
My mom's gonna start worrying
if I don't get home soon.
You know that's a bunch
of horseshit.
They don't want guys like us
to enlist as officers
you know,
guys from the South Side,
guys who aren't very smart,
kinda slow.
They're just trying
to fill their quota,
gettin' us hooked
on the thrill of the kill.
Then they spit us out
when we can't handle
quantum physics or even read.
- I can read.
- And then they leave us
on the side of the road
with the taste of blood
in our mouths,
and what do we do?
We enlist as grunts.
And while they get
all the medals
and cushy postings
up in Japan and Germany,
where are we, poor boys
from disadvantaged backgrounds
like you and me?
Somalia, Fallujah,
that's where.
And then when we finally
get sent home,
it's in a body bag.
Not me.
Not Carl Gallagher.
No, thank you.
I ain't no one's
human shield.
Can I just have my money back
if you're not gonna
sell me the shit?
Only thing left in these
Oxy bottles is dust.
You have a toothbrush
I can use, Frank?
They're communal.
Just grab one.
The fuck is that?
How 'bout we head over
to that Russian bakery
and snag some of those muffin
samples for breakfast, huh?
No can do, partner.
We gotta hit the streets,
do some work.
What? Why?
You heard Debbie.
- Rent money.
- You're not seriously gonna do
what she told you to do,
are you?
That girl's got a serious dose
of her mother's crazy DNA.
We come home
with empty pockets,
she may cut our tits off.
How 'bout your kids?
They got any money
- we could bum off 'em?
- Not a cent.
I went through
their backpacks last night
while they were sleeping.
Me too.
Mm, I'm afraid
it's an honest day's work
for you and me, mi amigo.
Any scams you wanna try?
How 'bout
the Distract and Grab?
Could do the Melon Drop.
Old-fashioned
Pig in the Poke?
I'm always down for a classic
Ukrainian Peekaboo.
All good by me.
All right.
It's just a crime,
that's all,
that-that Debbie
doesn't give you
the respect you deserve.
Tell me about it.
You know, you sacrificed
so much for her.
That, I did.
You know,
she's ungrateful...
- Yep.
- ...entitled...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...spoiled.
You know her well.
Too bad there's not a way
we could take control
away from her,
you know, make you...
make you the king of the house,
you know,
you set the rules here.
Y-yeah, but how?
I'm not sure. I mean,
wishful thinking, I guess.
I gotta go get dressed.
I don't wanna be late
for work.
Check it out, Franny.
I've worn these guys,
like, 15 times,
and they're in perfect...
condition.
Ha.
Ready to be returned
to the store today.
The key is plastic
sole protectors.
Your mama's a genius.
- Can I get 125 bucks?
- I'm sure you can,
if you got a job
instead of lounging around
watching YouTube videos
all summer.
From my share
of the Fiona money.
Mm...no.
- Why not?
- It's in the bank...
getting two point four percent
compound interest.
Isn't it supposed to be
all of our money?
What do you need it for
anyways?
You get some girl
in trouble or something?
No! I'm ten.
Besides, abortions
are free anyway.
They are?
The state of Illinois
supports women having control
of their bodies.
What do you need it for,
then?
A DNA test.
Monica already
did one of those.
Your hers...
and Frank's.
Sorry to tell you.
Wanna see where I come from.
You come from Africa.
Happy?
Are you ready to go?
Let's go.
- Let go, baby.
- Hey, Debs.
- Hey.
Here's the new daddy.
Hey, Franny.
What's up with that glove?
Oh, I stole a few
from the hospital
so I'm not touching him with
a smoky hand later, you know?
Or you could just quit.
Oh, hi!
There's my sweet
little nephew.
What'd you decide to name him?
Freddie.
Like Kruger?
Uh...Fred, then.
- Fred Flintstone?
- I don't know.
I was tired as shit
when I filled out the forms
at the hospital.
It was the first name
I thought of.
It's my professor's name,
Clyde Fred Youens.
Hopefully Tami likes it.
We didn't really have
a chance to discuss it.
- How's she doin'?
- She's got a bad infection.
She's all jacked up
on drugs.
It's a little touch-and-go.
I think she'll be fine.
You know,
hopefully she'll be fine.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
All right, well...
...see you later.
- Come on, Franny.
- Bye. Wait, whoa.
You're not gonna
help me out today?
No can do.
I got shit to do.
The new couch is getting
delivered today.
Can you make sure
to let the delivery guy in?
Come on, Debs, I-I need a nap.
I been up, like, 27 hours.
Get used to it.
It's your new normal.
Fine.
Yeah, no, we'll be...
we'll be fine.
Shit! Hey.
Good-bye, LeBrons.
Here you go.
Take 'em.
Thought they were gonna
help me play b-ball better,
but...
I guess I'm, uh,
past my prime.
Just the middleman here,
amigo.
- Got a can in this place?
Yeah, right over there.
I'll take a beer and a shot
of Jaeger when I'm out.
Okay.
He just leaves them here?
Maybe he's telling you
it's okay to pull a Scamazon.
- A what?
- Scamazon.
I returned my microwave,
except I put a brick in the box
instead of the microwave.
Soon as On Board Shipping
scanned the return,
my money was instantly
credited back to me.
They never checked
inside the box.
That's genius.
...ly stupid
is what I was gonna say.
- Why's that again?
- Because it's wrong.
It's wrong.
Not if it's a big
corporation.
Yeah, he's right.
I'd never do it
to a little guy, you know,
like some mom-and-pop place.
But a big company,
they factor that stuff in.
It's stealing no matter
who you do it to.
Then I guess
you don't wanna know
about another way
to Scamazon.
- No.
- Yes.
I ordered shit,
told them that I didn't
receive it,
even though I did.
So they sent me another.
You mean I coulda got
two pairs of sneakers?
That's why I have
two fleshlights.
You saying flashlight
or fleshlight?
I think you know
what I'm sayin'.
That delivery guy's dead.
Can I have another beer,
please?
What?
He said he wants
another beer.
- Aw, jeez.
- Oh, jeez.
What's he doing
with a belt around his neck
- while he was taking a piss?
- He was jacking off, Kev.
And strangling himself
at the same time.
Why?
- 'Cause it feels good.
- Mm.
Is that that
autoerotic shit?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Aw, dude, come on!
I never had
the courage.
Why the fuck's he doing
it in our bathroom?
Couldn't he wait
till he got home?
- When the urge hits...
- You guys are idiots.
He didn't use
a lemon.
Even I don't know that one.
Y-you keep a lemon
in your mouth.
That way, when you pass out
and start to seize,
you bite into the lemon,
wake yourself up.
Maybe I should try that
sometime, then.
- So what do we do now?
- Call the cops.
Or we could
raid his truck first.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- I mean, dead is dead.
- Yeah.
What's a couple of hours?
That's a good point.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Hold on!
Stop.
V's right.
Stop.
This joker comes
into my bathroom,
jacks off, chokes himself,
then was gonna have
a shot and a beer,
go back on his big truck
to work
all hammered and jizzed out
do I have this right?
- Absolutely correct.
- Yeah.
One hundred percent.
Fuck him.
He coulda killed a kid.
He deserves to have
his truck ransacked.
Move. I got first dibs.
- That's my girl.
One-eighty over 120.
That's high, Ernesto.
You gotta cut out the salt.
Salt's the only edible thing
in this place.
Yeah, well...
About halfway finished
there, Chester.
Put some Drano in the line,
take me outta my misery.
Hey, come on, now.
You're up for a compassionate
release, right?
Compassionate release,
my ass.
The only person my release
would be compassionate to
is Mr. Johnny Dingleberry
taxpayer
who doesn't wanna
foot the bill
for my medical expenses
in here.
You get to see your family,
your friends.
They're all dead.
Why do you think they put me
in here in the first place?
Make new friends.
I been in here
for 30 years.
I wouldn't survive
two days out there.
I'm pissin' blood.
My shingles
are flarin' up.
And I've got dementia...
I think.
Hey, let me ask you
a question.
How'd you and Marco survive
in that cell all those years
- without killing each other?
- Oh, that's easy.
You ju
Oh, wait, now.
Who's Marco?
Your prison wife.
You were together,
like, 12 years.
He's six-foot-five,
Hispanic.
He likes to eat
people's faces.
Does sound like someone
I'd date.
Okay, never mind.
Are you talkin'
about you and Mickey?
Okay, you remember Mickey
but not Marco?
Who's Marco?
- Forget about it.
- Uh, you and your fella
just need
a little time apart,
a temporary separation.
A mini vacation.
How am I supposed
to do that in prison?
I'll tell ya how.
But you need to stab me.
Just deep enough
so they have to keep me here,
and then you can go to solitary
for a couple of weeks.
Let's go
while I'm middle-aged, huh?
- Hurry up, Kev!
- I'm trying.
He's got, like,
a million keys.
Let's go.
I'm losin' my beer buzz.
Okay, I hear all of you!
Dude, let's go,
come on.
Got it.
Jackpot!
Stand back.
- Oh, wow.
- Holy shit.
Gimme some!
This is like
rich people Christmas.
God is great!
I been praying for this moment
since I was six years old.
My good karma
is finally paying off.
Shut up, Kevin.
Hoist me up.
Yeah,
that one right there.
Lyft should be here
in a sec.
Silver..."Ha-wan-day."
Is that how you say that?
"Hundye."
I think it's "Hunday."
You wanna get hit
or cut?
Let's flip a coin.
If we had a coin,
we wouldn't be out here.
- I'll get cut.
- Sounds good.
I'll get hit.
- Okay.
See you around the corner.
Mickey?
It's Mikey.
Who the fuck is Mickey?
How's your day going
so far?
Oh, uh, fine.
Um, could you put on
a little classical music?
Yeah, sure thing.
- Oh, shit!
Ahh! Ohh! Ahh!
Watch what you're doing,
lady!
You just hit that man!
- Oh, God!
- Are you okay?
I think you broke
my leg.
- Oh, God!
- And my face, it's bleeding!
Um, okay, stay right there.
I'll call the police
- and an ambulance.
- Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no!
I-I-I can go
to the ER myself.
I'll probably hobble there
myself too.
No, but your leg!
I'll drive you both.
No disrespect, but...
I'm too scared to get
in your death mobile again.
Hey, what are they hitting
ya for at the ER these days?
Couple hundy.
Oy. I'm no Rockefeller.
I-I'm just gonna wait
till my leg heals.
Unless...you wanted
to make things right.
You fools are a couple
of scam artists, aren't you?
- What are you talking about?
- No!
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You old farts
need to get fresh.
Hey, wait.
You're leaving...
you're leaving
a crime scene!
Fresh?
You wanna go again?
I'll get cut this time.
Fresh.
Dude, your kid
is totally white.
Doesn't even look like he has
one drop of black blood in him.
Yeah, well,
have you seen his parents?
You know, when we screwed,
it was like two pieces
of chalk fucking.
Isn't it easier
just to quit smoking?
Plannin' on it, but...
I thought I'd have
a lot more time
before the baby came,
and, you know, besides,
the nicotine's
keeping me awake and...
calm my nerves.
This dad shit's scary.
- You raised us.
- Yeah, but I didn't care
if I killed you guys.
I wanna keep Freddie alive.
Why am I the only one
in the family
that has black skin?
Think it has something to do
with Monica's granddad,
although we never really
got a straight answer.
Sucks not knowing
my family tree.
Who cares?
- You're a Gallagher.
- Yeah.
In this house, I am,
but out there,
I'm a black kid that lives
on the South Side of Chicago.
I went to Urban Outfitters,
and a security guard
followed me for 20 minutes.
Says "urban" in their title.
- Okay, he's hungry.
Uh, this is gonna be
his first feeding at home.
You have a bottle or something
I can warm up?
Nope. Tami wants me
to breastfeed him.
How?
Oh.
I know it's ridiculous,
but...
Tami says he needs to learn
how to latch onto the boob.
Yeah, it's also good
for attachment and shit.
Here we go. Let's show Liam
how we do it, huh?
- You wanna show Uncle Liam?
You wanna show Uncle Liam?
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Shh, shh, shh.
A little suck.
A little suck.
- Little suck, little suck.
And shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
He-e-ey!
Hey, he did it!
He did it.
He's sucking. He latched!
You're like a walking PSA
to wear a condom.
Okay, so that's three
Cap'n Bob's fish specials,
one with tots, one with fries,
and one with slaw.
Be ready in 15.
Yo, where do you think
you're going?
Are you deaf or something?
I'm looking for Lori.
She, uh, doing a bank run?
You want me to cap
your ass or what?
- I'd like to see you try.
- Don't think I won't.
Carl Gallagher.
Hey.
Mm. Smells as good
as the day I met ya.
You're Carl.
Yeah.
Heard of me?
This is Anne Gonzalez,
assistant manager.
Tough as nails.
She keeps everybody in line.
So...
you ready to get back
to work?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Hey, Dirk,
Carl's back.
Arrivederci, buddy.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, Wheels.
I told you this day
was gonna come.
You firing me, Lori?
You should be
collecting disability.
What you wanna work for
anyway?
- Have a purpose in life?
- Overrated.
I'll go get your uniform.
I been savin' it.
- Can I help you?
- Picking up an order
for Pedro.
Uh, two shrimp tacos.
That's $7.70.
Friend said I should ask
for extra tartar sauce.
It's 26 bucks
for the tartar sauce.
And $7.70 for the tacos.
Here you go.
Did you get my letters?
Yeah. Why'd you send me
dick pics?
It wasn't my dick, silly.
Now, get your cute keister
to work.
Fryolator's calling your name.
Okay, would you stop
doing that?
Stop fucking doing that.
For the love of Christ,
not again!
Mind your business,
Enzo!
We need to talk.
- About what?
- About the fact
that we wanna kill
each other.
I don't know what you
want from me.
Stop bein' so annoying!
You remember
when we first got here?
We had fun together.
Yeah.
All we did was bang.
We laughed too.
What happened to us?
This place happened.
Gets to ya.
I don't want it to.
Well, don't really
have much of a choice.
How 'bout, like, a...
temporary separation?
- How we supposed to do that?
- Well, I could stab Chester.
What you wanna stab
Chester for?
- He's gonna get released soon.
- Who gives a shit?
So if I stab him,
he gets to stay and
What are you
talking about right now?
And I get sent
to solitary.
Wait. A-are you dumpin' me?
- We need a break.
- Fuck you.
We can't keep goin' on
like this.
Okay, you want a break?
I'll give you a break.
I'm gonna stab Chester,
and I'm gonna go to solitary.
- What are you talking about?
- You're not dumping me.
I'm dumping you.
Where's the shiv?
Where'd you put it?
And no, you're not
stabbing him. I am.
Free country.
You're an asshole.
Takes one to know one,
bitch.
God.
Ah!
Found it, bitch.
- Lockdown.
Oh, you're kidding me.
Hey.
I'm here
to return these shoes.
- Anything wrong with them?
- No.
I've just got so many
of them at home.
- Do you have the receipt?
- Sure do.
Here you go.
Thirty days exactly.
Mm.
Why don't I just
process this return?
Cool.
But first...
What's that?
Black light.
Need to check
if they've been worn.
Oh, uh, well,
I mean, look at them.
They've never
been worn before.
- You see?
- Yes, to my naked eye.
But my naked eye can't see
invisible bodily fluids.
You wouldn't imagine
what lengths people go to
trying to make it look like
they've never worn
a pair of shoes.
Everyone trying
to cheat the system.
Including you.
- Excuse me?
- Check it out.
Toddler urine.
Blood.
Surprise, surprise.
- A little bit of vomit.
- You can tell all that?
Sorry, I can't accept
these returns.
No, but, sir,
your thingy's wrong.
I've never worn
those shoes before.
Don't make me look you up
on Instagram.
I'm sure you posted plenty
of selfies in these shoes.
Please, sir,
I'm a single mother
struggling to make ends meet.
I just wanted something nice
for once in my life.
I promise you, I will
never do this again,
but these shoes are 800 bucks.
I can't afford that.
Suppose I could
make an exception.
- Thank you.
- Under one condition.
- Anything.
- You blow me after my shift.
Why does everything
have to come down to sex?
'Cause sex is awesome.
No. You just wanna feel
like you have power over me.
That's awesome too.
Can't I just, like,
wash your car
or something?
Mm...
not as satisfying.
So it's all about
degrading me, then.
I...guess.
Yes, it-it probably is.
Okay.
How 'bout...
how 'bout I give you
a blow job?
You just said
it was degrading.
It is, when you ask for it.
It's different
if you do?
Yeah.
'Cause then it's my choice.
It's my decision.
And I have the power.
Okay.
Then sure.
I'd love a blow job.
- Deal.
- I get off in two hours.
See you in two hours.
Have a good day!
- Shh.
Whoa! Oh, you sound like
your Grandpa Frank.
Yes, you do.
Let's see what's going on
in that diaper, huh?
'Cause that's...
a little smelly.
Pee-yew!
- I got you. I got you.
I got you.
Whoa!
How'd that much poop
come outta you, huh?
One sec, all right?
One sec.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Ooh, that's black.
Yeah, they said
that'd be black.
I'm really just
smushing it around, aren't I?
Uh...
hey, I got an idea, all right?
- I got you.
Ready?
Here we go.
That's good.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah?
Hey.
Good as new.
All right?
Let's get a new diaper on you
and then we can have our nap,
okay?
I'm just gonna find
a new diaper.
Hospital only gave us
one diaper.
Buddy,
what are we gonna do?
I know.
Here goes another one!
Open it! Open it!
Open it! Open it!
I bet it's another one of those
essential oil diffusers.
It's crazy how many people
ordered that piece of crap.
Hey, I'm excited to use my
piece of crap when I get home.
Another Vitamix!
- Yes!
- Let's take it, V.
- We already have one, Kev.
Oh, right.
All right, who wants it?
- Oh, me!
- Me, me, me, me!
Here you go, Kermit.
You haven't had anything
in a while.
- Thank you, Kev.
- You're welcome, buddy.
All right, V.
- Bring the next box out.
- Yeah!
- Come on, now!
- Come on.
- There's nothin' left.
- What?
- Don't be greedy.
You just got a bunch
of free stuff.
What about the returns?
- The what?
- Yeah.
OBS guys have to drive
around picking up packages.
That's right.
There must be tons
of stuff out there!
Yeah, well, we're not giving
it away for free this time.
- We're not?
- No! We're gonna
auction that off, make some
money off these ingrates.
Go get that scanner thing
from the dead guy, Kev,
- and pick up the packages.
- Can I drive the van?
Knock yourself out.
I'm gonna take this bassinet
over to Lip.
How attached are you
to that pool?
How's it going?
Good. Good.
Well, shit.
Ah, don't let the collar
scare you.
Just trying to make extra money
for the CYO basketball team.
Not here to take you
to heaven...yet.
Or worse,
the downstairs place.
- Abort mission!
- What?
It's a priest!
Ooh!
Heavens to Betsy.
Are you okay?
My leg.
My leg is broken.
Oh, my Go
Oh, uh, uh...
a priest,
a priest.
That's what I was
trying to tell you.
Oh.
Wait.
What's going on here?
Uh...we're good, Padre.
Praise Jesus.
I've been healed!
Were you two
trying to scam me?
Nah, it's just
a misunderstanding.
We'll be on our way.
If you're in need of money
for a meal, I can help.
- Come again?
- The Lord, of course,
wants you to promise
you won't use it on drugs.
That would be a sin.
- Thank you, Padre.
- Let's get outta here
- before he changes his mind.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Okay, okay.
Booze or coke
or a little of both, Frank?
What do you say?
What do you say?
What happened?
Why ain't you happy?
We got ten dollars.
Ten dollars is not
gonna solve our problem.
She's gonna kick us out.
We gotta find a place
to sleep.
It pisses me off.
I got an inheritance
waiting for me,
and Debbie's
holding it hostage.
You know what
your problem is?
You let women
run your life
your daughters,
your dead wife,
your mother too, I bet.
It's true.
She made me pee sitting down.
Said I splashed
on her magazines.
Those female types
have pussy-whipped
the masculinity from your soul.
They have.
You know,
because of men like you,
women like Debbie
feel entitled and empowered.
They do.
You need to break
the cycle, Frank!
Press the reset button.
You need to reclaim
your patriarchy.
Let's go back
to the house,
storm that castle,
and take back what's yours.
- Yes!
- Yes!
You're hurting me.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Come on!
- All right.
- All right.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's all right, buddy, okay?
It's all right.
It's all right.
You can stop crying, all right?
Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
Hey, there you go, okay?
I'm gonna go to the bathroom
real quick, okay, okay?
Then I'm gonna come
right back.
We'll take a nap together,
all right?
- All right, shh, shh.
Stay right there, okay?
Stay right there.
Stay right there.
- Okay.
All right, I'm going
to the bathroom now, okay?
I don't know how people go
to the bathroom with babies.
I don't know how people do much
of anything with babies.
I don't think I'm gonna
be able to...
...take a shower till your mom
gets outta the hospital,
- you know?
Shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where'd you go?
Where'd you...go?
How...does this even happen?
You were right...here.
You were right here.
Are you serious?
I lost my baby?
Fuck.
Freddie?
Maybe he ran away
because you named him Freddie.
Hey.
Hey.
And he has on
a sanitary pad with wings?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I ran outta diapers.
You can't leave a baby
alone like that.
- I fell asleep.
- You can't fall asleep.
Hey, it was two seconds.
Something could have
fell on him.
Someone could have
stepped on him.
Yeah, well, there's
no one else here, so...
When's Tami gettin' out?
She's still in ICU.
I-I don't know.
I brought you
a baby gift.
It's a bassinet,
but you need to assemble it.
V...I'm tired, you know?
Welcome to parenthood.
You're only supposed to wear
one of those nicotine patches
at a time.
So...here we are.
Yup.
Do you do this with a lot
of women at the store?
I get a fair amount
of play.
Really?
Why do you say it
like that?
Shoe salesman?
I'm actually a violinist.
Oh! Yeah?
Classically trained.
Studied at Berkeley
School of Music.
Oh...that's cool.
I bet you're pretty good.
Bring my violin to work
with me every day,
thinking I'll...
play it at lunch.
Instead I go
to Wetzel's Pretzel.
I'm sure lots
of famous musicians
hang out at the food court.
- You ready?
Wait.
You think I like
looking at feet all day?
Isn't that your job?
I hate it.
I hate myself.
That's why I try
to get women to blow me.
Does it make you feel
any better about yourself?
For a few minutes.
Until
the self-loathing comes back.
- Shall we do this?
- No, don't.
I don't want...
blow jobs from
random women anymore.
No?
I'm gonna give my notice.
- What about my shoes?
- Keep 'em.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
I'm going back
to the violin.
Hey. What's goin' on?
Why am I different
from everyone in my family?
It's like, if I was adopted,
I would understand.
but it's like I spun
the roulette wheel
and landed on black.
Because once upon a time,
a slave owner raped a slave.
But now I'm being raised
by a bunch of crackers,
and they won't even
give me the talk.
You don't know about
the birds and the bees yet?
Yeah. I've known
since I was six.
The talk of how to survive
as a black man in America.
Yo, yo, yo.
That's a lotta returns.
Yeah, this scanner machine
thingy
is fun as shit.
- Can I help you?
- Bye, Lori.
- See ya tomorrow.
Unless I see you tonight when
you sneak into my apartment,
'cause you know I leave
my key under my mat.
Isn't that sexual harassment?
It doesn't count
when you're a dude.
Oh.
So what's your deal?
Meaning?
- Well, you look like a chola.
- Excuse me?
And there's been a whole lot
of little Mexican kids
coming in here
to get takeout food today.
You're making this
a race thing.
No. I'm just wondering
if you're running
some type of game up in here.
The only game I'm running
is expanding the Captain Bob
shrimp business
to the Hispanic community.
Tartar sauce.
Vape?
Damn, girl.
I am man!
- Hear me roar!
Rahh!
Oh, shit.
They're takin' my couch!
Hey, leave that right there!
That's my couch!
Perfect.
Couch is perfect right there.
We do not need this couch.
Now, take it back right now.
Sorry, man.
We just deliver shit.
Ah, so comfy.
And look, no fecal stains.
That's my money
you're sittin' on.
We needed a new couch, Frank.
So I took care of it.
How 'bout you thank me
instead of bitching at me?
- $600?
- Wait, what?
- What?
- Nice things cost.
Yeah, but it's
our money too.
Yeah, we should have a say
in what we buy.
Yeah, I mean, it'd be nice
to have some cash
to buy diapers
instead of using
your sanitary pads.
I, for one, am tired of being
repressed and controlled
by the women in this family.
Are you with me, gentlemen?
It might just be
the sleep deprivation,
but I kind of agree
with Frank.
You know, me too.
Debbie and Fiona
have been bitching at us
our whole lives.
Look what you've done.
Are you proud of yourself?
No one wants you
to be in charge.
We didn't elect you.
We're on best behavior
for this little infant boy
who still stands a chance
of feeling like a man someday.
Oh, fuck you guys.
I don't need this shit.
Fiona left me the money.
You don't like it, leave.
Just like a bully
to say something like that.
Who wants a beer and chicken?
Ah, dude, your kid
smells like an ashtray.
- Dude, I'm stabbing him.
- Not if I get there first.
I have the shiv.
Enzo slipped me his
through the vent, bitch.
Oh!
Shit!
Christ on a cross!
Ohh!
The arm?
Weak.
- Oh!
- Chester, it's Ian.
You get to stay.
I stabbed you.
No, no, no.
Jesus Christ!
Mick, you're gonna
fucking kill him!
What are you two morons
doing?
Hey, I stabbed Chester.
Send me to solitary, okay?
No, no, no.
He's taking the fall for me.
Thank you.
I-I stabbed this piece of shit.
- No, I fuckin' stabbed in.
- Jesus, Chester.
You got two of them
to do it this time?
This time?
He does this
every couple months.
Makes a deal with an inmate
to stab him
so he can postpone his release.
You two idiots
are comin' with me. Go.
- Y
- Hey, I'm bleedin' out
- over here.
- Calm down, Chester.
I'll call the medic.
What are you up to...
Deb-or-ah?
Your mommy's gonna love you
so much, you know?
She is.
Maybe not as much as me, but...
it's gonna be pretty close.
She's gonna gobble up
those teeny-tiny hands.
Yeah.
And those teeny-tiny ears too.
Huh? I'm sorry.
And then you know
what she's gonna do?
One, two, three,
four, five.
- Oh, shit, dude.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
I got you, bud. I got you.
I got you. I got you.
Everything okay in there?
I almost dropped him.
Ah.
Don't worry if you do.
They're made of Jell-O
the first few months.
He'll be fine.
You won't hurt him.
Get some sleep, son.
You look tired.
Well, well.
What do we have here?
Mikey?
I'm not Mikey.
Jesus,
did you follow me here?
I'm a dangerous man
with a scary knife.
And...and...
I can't breathe
in this thing.
A little help here,
please.
- Ooh!
- What the hell do you want?
Huh.
You steal all this stuff?
None of your business.
"Purchase date."
"Return by date."
So you're buying this shit,
using it,
and returning it, aren't you?
Get out of my she-shed.
Oh, I will.
I will, as soon as you answer
this one question for me.
Who's your daddy?
Why are men so pervy?
I am not blowing you!
Who said anything
about blowing me?
You just asked,
"Who's your daddy?"
I meant that in a real way,
not a sexual way.
Frank is my best friend!
You're practically my daughter.
Uh, yeah, no, I'm not.
Who's your daddy?
As in, you need
to respect him.
Hell no.
Well, then...
you leave me no choice.
No!
Don't.
You get these back when Frank
is head of the household
and in charge
of the family money.
You don't think I can
deck you right now?
You don't think I could eat
these receipts right now?
Don't eat that!
You know what you
have to do.
You got 24 hours.
Make things right.
Fuck!
Quit tomorrow, okay?
Sleep well, my prince,
for tomorrow...
you shall be king.
Yeah.
Wake up!
Get up, Gallaghers.
I just got Freddie
back down.
You wake him,
so help me, God.
Yeah, I know you're gonna
throw out my breakfast
- if I'm not down in time.
- What is it this time, Debs?
Cover your tits,
everyone.
- She may have a knife.
- Shh!
No knives.
What I do have, however,
are ATM cards,
one for the each of you.
What?
Hundred bucks on each,
to be replaced weekly.
- Sweet.
- 'Bout time.
Well, I really should get
more on mine.
I realized that I've been
holding power over all of you
because I feel shitty
about myself.
Uh, you only pull wings
off a fly
because you're dead inside,
right?
So...one for you...
and you...
you.
Frank,
if you wanna take over
as head of the household,
please do.
It's a shit job.
My receipts.
I can't believe that's
what you wanted to buy
with your money.
Gotta start a business, son.
Can't get ahead
on a fry cook's salary.
Plus, it's better than
that shitty ancestry kit
you wanted to buy.
- Just wanna know who I am.
- You're a Gallagher.
- Same as me.
- I'm black.
Yeah, and you get
to check the black card
for the rest of your life.
Move to the front of the line.
You got it made.
Except I can't walk down
the street wearing a hoodie
without worrying that a cop's
gonna put me in a chokehold.
You can just pick up
your order over there.
Hey, Anne,
I got a proposition for you.
I know you're selling
vape pens
to little Mexican kids.
- That is not what I'm d
- Don't argue.
I already looked
in your tartar sauce box.
- Is than a euphemism?
- No.
And I wanna go
into business with you.
Why would I do that?
Well, because you only have
the Hispanic market,
and if you wanna expand
your business,
you gotta tap into the underage
white kids that I know
- and black kids...
- That I know.
So you and I are partners now.
We'll split profits 50-50.
Liam and I will go
to the playground,
round up new buyers.
And here's your supplies.
Menthol?
Trust me, my customers
will love it.
- I stabbed him first.
- No, you did not.
- Oh, shut up.
- You shut up.
Don't fuckin' tell me
what to do.
If you shut
your fuckin' pie hole,
I wouldn't have
to tell you what to do.
Yeah, please,
that'll be the day,
when Ian Gallagher doesn't
nag the shit outta my ass
and tell me what to do
about somethin'!
You know, if you just
wiped the toilet seat
for once in your life,
I wouldn't fuckin' nag you.
If you just, like, picked up
your nail clippings
Who gives a shit
about any of that?
We're in fuckin' prison!
- I do, you fuckin' pig.
- That's the problem.
You sound like
a couple of old broads.
I'ma murder you two
if you don't stop talkin'.
Hi, Frank.
Give us a hand here,
would you, kid?
Hey, Frank, do you know
who banged a black person
in our family lineage?
Yeah, someone from your
mother's grandfather's
side of the family
had a mistress.
- And she was black?
- She is black.
She's still alive?
Lives down the street.
What?
Why didn't you tell me?
Get away from the house,
Frank.
You know the rules.
That's why, son.
No, I didn't steal this shit.
If you bothered to watch
last week's episode,
you'd know that.
Police!
Police!
- Jesus!
- What the fuck, asshole?
- Shit!
What the fuck
Mikey?
Frank.
I deserve to feel special.
Don't look at me like that.
I've got a system.
It's all going back.
You're a disgrace,
Gallagher.
I never, ever want
to see your face again,
not on my campus
and not ever in my army.
We clear, son?
Crystal, sir.
Boy or girl?
- Boy.
- Tami?
We don't know yet.
She's still in surgery.
Hey, any of those
glazed doughnut holes
left down in the break room?
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Hey.
Ugh!
Get the fuck off me!
What's your problem?
I'm sick of the smell
of goddamn mayonnaise.
It's like getting screwed
by a bowl of potato salad
every morning.
It's the only lube
we have in this shithole.
Well, it makes me wanna gag
every time you come near me.
Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking
a shit every night at 8:15
is a real fuckin' bed of roses.
At least my shit
gets flushed,
unlike your
coleslaw-smellin' dick.
Can't be 8:30, can it?
Or seven o'clock?
No, Mickey has to shit
every night
at the exact same time.
That's annoying.
- Shut up!
- Is it?
Is it as annoying as the way
you lick your finger
every single time
you turn the page
of whatever faggety-ass
book you're reading?
- Okay.
- "My name's Ian.
I can't turn the page
like a normal human being.
I have to put my whole
goddamn paw in my mouth."
You know what? If you
actually knew how to read,
maybe you'd understand,
not, "Look at these fucking
squiggle-dings all over
this piece of paper!"
Every morning,
the same shit!
You're like old women!
I came to prison
to get away from my parents.
Eat my cornhole, cocks!
Not if it smells
like mayonnaise.
- Exactly!
Let's go! Line it up!
Hey.
I wanna see the warden
about getting a new roommate.
What is this,
fuckin' summer camp?
Get your ass to breakfast.
Hey, we made it, huh?
No problem.
Asses up
if you want coffee!
You start bonin' dudes
while I was away at school?
Occasionally,
if the mood strikes.
I was talkin' to Frank.
Can't two grown men
share a bed together
without it being sexual?
- No.
Go for Carl.
Yeah, yeah,
it's still available.
All right.
I'll send you the address.
Stinky, dirty, wet!
Wash your own shit!
You both owe me
rent money.
Oh, come on.
Thirty-seven bucks a night,
plus five if you'll be
showering.
- What about Carl?
- I'm selling my military gear
- to get some cash.
- Electricity, gas,
and water for the month
is 48 bucks.
Let me know
if you'll be eating here.
I have various
meal plans available.
You don't need
to pay rent, Frank.
You're the patriarch
of this family.
He is?
I'm keeping the
coffee warm for ten minutes.
Then I'm dumping it.
- Little Red Riding Twat
needs to understand
who's boss around here.
Me?
Yes, you.
- What's goin' on?
Tryin' to figure out
who I am,
what's my identity
Dr. King, Dr. Dre?
Maybe you should
set your sights lower,
you know, like Tiga, Nelly,
or maybe one
of the Wayans brothers.
Or Lester Holt.
- You Carl?
- Who's asking?
I answered an ad
on Craigslist.
Lookin' to buy
some military gear.
- It's all right here.
- Cool.
You take 75?
Ad said 100.
I figured I'd try.
- Figured I'd walk away.
- Wait, no, no, no.
Here, here.
It's fine.
Hundred bucks.
It's all there.
I promise.
I'm starting ROTC
in the fall.
- I gotta train this summer.
- Mm.
So what got you interested
in becoming an officer?
Went down
to the recruiting offices,
played them shoot-'em-up
video games?
Something like that.
Can I have the bag?
What, the recruiters
make you think
you're gonna become
this officer,
big war hero,
leading men into battle?
I don't know. Maybe.
I guess.
They tell you that you
could be one of the very few,
make a difference,
that you could
do something your life,
change your destiny?
Hey, might even become
a general one day.
My mom's gonna start worrying
if I don't get home soon.
You know that's a bunch
of horseshit.
They don't want guys like us
to enlist as officers
you know,
guys from the South Side,
guys who aren't very smart,
kinda slow.
They're just trying
to fill their quota,
gettin' us hooked
on the thrill of the kill.
Then they spit us out
when we can't handle
quantum physics or even read.
- I can read.
- And then they leave us
on the side of the road
with the taste of blood
in our mouths,
and what do we do?
We enlist as grunts.
And while they get
all the medals
and cushy postings
up in Japan and Germany,
where are we, poor boys
from disadvantaged backgrounds
like you and me?
Somalia, Fallujah,
that's where.
And then when we finally
get sent home,
it's in a body bag.
Not me.
Not Carl Gallagher.
No, thank you.
I ain't no one's
human shield.
Can I just have my money back
if you're not gonna
sell me the shit?
Only thing left in these
Oxy bottles is dust.
You have a toothbrush
I can use, Frank?
They're communal.
Just grab one.
The fuck is that?
How 'bout we head over
to that Russian bakery
and snag some of those muffin
samples for breakfast, huh?
No can do, partner.
We gotta hit the streets,
do some work.
What? Why?
You heard Debbie.
- Rent money.
- You're not seriously gonna do
what she told you to do,
are you?
That girl's got a serious dose
of her mother's crazy DNA.
We come home
with empty pockets,
she may cut our tits off.
How 'bout your kids?
They got any money
- we could bum off 'em?
- Not a cent.
I went through
their backpacks last night
while they were sleeping.
Me too.
Mm, I'm afraid
it's an honest day's work
for you and me, mi amigo.
Any scams you wanna try?
How 'bout
the Distract and Grab?
Could do the Melon Drop.
Old-fashioned
Pig in the Poke?
I'm always down for a classic
Ukrainian Peekaboo.
All good by me.
All right.
It's just a crime,
that's all,
that-that Debbie
doesn't give you
the respect you deserve.
Tell me about it.
You know, you sacrificed
so much for her.
That, I did.
You know,
she's ungrateful...
- Yep.
- ...entitled...
- Mm-hmm.
- ...spoiled.
You know her well.
Too bad there's not a way
we could take control
away from her,
you know, make you...
make you the king of the house,
you know,
you set the rules here.
Y-yeah, but how?
I'm not sure. I mean,
wishful thinking, I guess.
I gotta go get dressed.
I don't wanna be late
for work.
Check it out, Franny.
I've worn these guys,
like, 15 times,
and they're in perfect...
condition.
Ha.
Ready to be returned
to the store today.
The key is plastic
sole protectors.
Your mama's a genius.
- Can I get 125 bucks?
- I'm sure you can,
if you got a job
instead of lounging around
watching YouTube videos
all summer.
From my share
of the Fiona money.
Mm...no.
- Why not?
- It's in the bank...
getting two point four percent
compound interest.
Isn't it supposed to be
all of our money?
What do you need it for
anyways?
You get some girl
in trouble or something?
No! I'm ten.
Besides, abortions
are free anyway.
They are?
The state of Illinois
supports women having control
of their bodies.
What do you need it for,
then?
A DNA test.
Monica already
did one of those.
Your hers...
and Frank's.
Sorry to tell you.
Wanna see where I come from.
You come from Africa.
Happy?
Are you ready to go?
Let's go.
- Let go, baby.
- Hey, Debs.
- Hey.
Here's the new daddy.
Hey, Franny.
What's up with that glove?
Oh, I stole a few
from the hospital
so I'm not touching him with
a smoky hand later, you know?
Or you could just quit.
Oh, hi!
There's my sweet
little nephew.
What'd you decide to name him?
Freddie.
Like Kruger?
Uh...Fred, then.
- Fred Flintstone?
- I don't know.
I was tired as shit
when I filled out the forms
at the hospital.
It was the first name
I thought of.
It's my professor's name,
Clyde Fred Youens.
Hopefully Tami likes it.
We didn't really have
a chance to discuss it.
- How's she doin'?
- She's got a bad infection.
She's all jacked up
on drugs.
It's a little touch-and-go.
I think she'll be fine.
You know,
hopefully she'll be fine.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
All right, well...
...see you later.
- Come on, Franny.
- Bye. Wait, whoa.
You're not gonna
help me out today?
No can do.
I got shit to do.
The new couch is getting
delivered today.
Can you make sure
to let the delivery guy in?
Come on, Debs, I-I need a nap.
I been up, like, 27 hours.
Get used to it.
It's your new normal.
Fine.
Yeah, no, we'll be...
we'll be fine.
Shit! Hey.
Good-bye, LeBrons.
Here you go.
Take 'em.
Thought they were gonna
help me play b-ball better,
but...
I guess I'm, uh,
past my prime.
Just the middleman here,
amigo.
- Got a can in this place?
Yeah, right over there.
I'll take a beer and a shot
of Jaeger when I'm out.
Okay.
He just leaves them here?
Maybe he's telling you
it's okay to pull a Scamazon.
- A what?
- Scamazon.
I returned my microwave,
except I put a brick in the box
instead of the microwave.
Soon as On Board Shipping
scanned the return,
my money was instantly
credited back to me.
They never checked
inside the box.
That's genius.
...ly stupid
is what I was gonna say.
- Why's that again?
- Because it's wrong.
It's wrong.
Not if it's a big
corporation.
Yeah, he's right.
I'd never do it
to a little guy, you know,
like some mom-and-pop place.
But a big company,
they factor that stuff in.
It's stealing no matter
who you do it to.
Then I guess
you don't wanna know
about another way
to Scamazon.
- No.
- Yes.
I ordered shit,
told them that I didn't
receive it,
even though I did.
So they sent me another.
You mean I coulda got
two pairs of sneakers?
That's why I have
two fleshlights.
You saying flashlight
or fleshlight?
I think you know
what I'm sayin'.
That delivery guy's dead.
Can I have another beer,
please?
What?
He said he wants
another beer.
- Aw, jeez.
- Oh, jeez.
What's he doing
with a belt around his neck
- while he was taking a piss?
- He was jacking off, Kev.
And strangling himself
at the same time.
Why?
- 'Cause it feels good.
- Mm.
Is that that
autoerotic shit?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Aw, dude, come on!
I never had
the courage.
Why the fuck's he doing
it in our bathroom?
Couldn't he wait
till he got home?
- When the urge hits...
- You guys are idiots.
He didn't use
a lemon.
Even I don't know that one.
Y-you keep a lemon
in your mouth.
That way, when you pass out
and start to seize,
you bite into the lemon,
wake yourself up.
Maybe I should try that
sometime, then.
- So what do we do now?
- Call the cops.
Or we could
raid his truck first.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- I mean, dead is dead.
- Yeah.
What's a couple of hours?
That's a good point.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Hold on!
Stop.
V's right.
Stop.
This joker comes
into my bathroom,
jacks off, chokes himself,
then was gonna have
a shot and a beer,
go back on his big truck
to work
all hammered and jizzed out
do I have this right?
- Absolutely correct.
- Yeah.
One hundred percent.
Fuck him.
He coulda killed a kid.
He deserves to have
his truck ransacked.
Move. I got first dibs.
- That's my girl.
One-eighty over 120.
That's high, Ernesto.
You gotta cut out the salt.
Salt's the only edible thing
in this place.
Yeah, well...
About halfway finished
there, Chester.
Put some Drano in the line,
take me outta my misery.
Hey, come on, now.
You're up for a compassionate
release, right?
Compassionate release,
my ass.
The only person my release
would be compassionate to
is Mr. Johnny Dingleberry
taxpayer
who doesn't wanna
foot the bill
for my medical expenses
in here.
You get to see your family,
your friends.
They're all dead.
Why do you think they put me
in here in the first place?
Make new friends.
I been in here
for 30 years.
I wouldn't survive
two days out there.
I'm pissin' blood.
My shingles
are flarin' up.
And I've got dementia...
I think.
Hey, let me ask you
a question.
How'd you and Marco survive
in that cell all those years
- without killing each other?
- Oh, that's easy.
You ju
Oh, wait, now.
Who's Marco?
Your prison wife.
You were together,
like, 12 years.
He's six-foot-five,
Hispanic.
He likes to eat
people's faces.
Does sound like someone
I'd date.
Okay, never mind.
Are you talkin'
about you and Mickey?
Okay, you remember Mickey
but not Marco?
Who's Marco?
- Forget about it.
- Uh, you and your fella
just need
a little time apart,
a temporary separation.
A mini vacation.
How am I supposed
to do that in prison?
I'll tell ya how.
But you need to stab me.
Just deep enough
so they have to keep me here,
and then you can go to solitary
for a couple of weeks.
Let's go
while I'm middle-aged, huh?
- Hurry up, Kev!
- I'm trying.
He's got, like,
a million keys.
Let's go.
I'm losin' my beer buzz.
Okay, I hear all of you!
Dude, let's go,
come on.
Got it.
Jackpot!
Stand back.
- Oh, wow.
- Holy shit.
Gimme some!
This is like
rich people Christmas.
God is great!
I been praying for this moment
since I was six years old.
My good karma
is finally paying off.
Shut up, Kevin.
Hoist me up.
Yeah,
that one right there.
Lyft should be here
in a sec.
Silver..."Ha-wan-day."
Is that how you say that?
"Hundye."
I think it's "Hunday."
You wanna get hit
or cut?
Let's flip a coin.
If we had a coin,
we wouldn't be out here.
- I'll get cut.
- Sounds good.
I'll get hit.
- Okay.
See you around the corner.
Mickey?
It's Mikey.
Who the fuck is Mickey?
How's your day going
so far?
Oh, uh, fine.
Um, could you put on
a little classical music?
Yeah, sure thing.
- Oh, shit!
Ahh! Ohh! Ahh!
Watch what you're doing,
lady!
You just hit that man!
- Oh, God!
- Are you okay?
I think you broke
my leg.
- Oh, God!
- And my face, it's bleeding!
Um, okay, stay right there.
I'll call the police
- and an ambulance.
- Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no!
I-I-I can go
to the ER myself.
I'll probably hobble there
myself too.
No, but your leg!
I'll drive you both.
No disrespect, but...
I'm too scared to get
in your death mobile again.
Hey, what are they hitting
ya for at the ER these days?
Couple hundy.
Oy. I'm no Rockefeller.
I-I'm just gonna wait
till my leg heals.
Unless...you wanted
to make things right.
You fools are a couple
of scam artists, aren't you?
- What are you talking about?
- No!
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You old farts
need to get fresh.
Hey, wait.
You're leaving...
you're leaving
a crime scene!
Fresh?
You wanna go again?
I'll get cut this time.
Fresh.
Dude, your kid
is totally white.
Doesn't even look like he has
one drop of black blood in him.
Yeah, well,
have you seen his parents?
You know, when we screwed,
it was like two pieces
of chalk fucking.
Isn't it easier
just to quit smoking?
Plannin' on it, but...
I thought I'd have
a lot more time
before the baby came,
and, you know, besides,
the nicotine's
keeping me awake and...
calm my nerves.
This dad shit's scary.
- You raised us.
- Yeah, but I didn't care
if I killed you guys.
I wanna keep Freddie alive.
Why am I the only one
in the family
that has black skin?
Think it has something to do
with Monica's granddad,
although we never really
got a straight answer.
Sucks not knowing
my family tree.
Who cares?
- You're a Gallagher.
- Yeah.
In this house, I am,
but out there,
I'm a black kid that lives
on the South Side of Chicago.
I went to Urban Outfitters,
and a security guard
followed me for 20 minutes.
Says "urban" in their title.
- Okay, he's hungry.
Uh, this is gonna be
his first feeding at home.
You have a bottle or something
I can warm up?
Nope. Tami wants me
to breastfeed him.
How?
Oh.
I know it's ridiculous,
but...
Tami says he needs to learn
how to latch onto the boob.
Yeah, it's also good
for attachment and shit.
Here we go. Let's show Liam
how we do it, huh?
- You wanna show Uncle Liam?
You wanna show Uncle Liam?
Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Shh, shh, shh.
A little suck.
A little suck.
- Little suck, little suck.
And shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
He-e-ey!
Hey, he did it!
He did it.
He's sucking. He latched!
You're like a walking PSA
to wear a condom.
Okay, so that's three
Cap'n Bob's fish specials,
one with tots, one with fries,
and one with slaw.
Be ready in 15.
Yo, where do you think
you're going?
Are you deaf or something?
I'm looking for Lori.
She, uh, doing a bank run?
You want me to cap
your ass or what?
- I'd like to see you try.
- Don't think I won't.
Carl Gallagher.
Hey.
Mm. Smells as good
as the day I met ya.
You're Carl.
Yeah.
Heard of me?
This is Anne Gonzalez,
assistant manager.
Tough as nails.
She keeps everybody in line.
So...
you ready to get back
to work?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Hey, Dirk,
Carl's back.
Arrivederci, buddy.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, Wheels.
I told you this day
was gonna come.
You firing me, Lori?
You should be
collecting disability.
What you wanna work for
anyway?
- Have a purpose in life?
- Overrated.
I'll go get your uniform.
I been savin' it.
- Can I help you?
- Picking up an order
for Pedro.
Uh, two shrimp tacos.
That's $7.70.
Friend said I should ask
for extra tartar sauce.
It's 26 bucks
for the tartar sauce.
And $7.70 for the tacos.
Here you go.
Did you get my letters?
Yeah. Why'd you send me
dick pics?
It wasn't my dick, silly.
Now, get your cute keister
to work.
Fryolator's calling your name.
Okay, would you stop
doing that?
Stop fucking doing that.
For the love of Christ,
not again!
Mind your business,
Enzo!
We need to talk.
- About what?
- About the fact
that we wanna kill
each other.
I don't know what you
want from me.
Stop bein' so annoying!
You remember
when we first got here?
We had fun together.
Yeah.
All we did was bang.
We laughed too.
What happened to us?
This place happened.
Gets to ya.
I don't want it to.
Well, don't really
have much of a choice.
How 'bout, like, a...
temporary separation?
- How we supposed to do that?
- Well, I could stab Chester.
What you wanna stab
Chester for?
- He's gonna get released soon.
- Who gives a shit?
So if I stab him,
he gets to stay and
What are you
talking about right now?
And I get sent
to solitary.
Wait. A-are you dumpin' me?
- We need a break.
- Fuck you.
We can't keep goin' on
like this.
Okay, you want a break?
I'll give you a break.
I'm gonna stab Chester,
and I'm gonna go to solitary.
- What are you talking about?
- You're not dumping me.
I'm dumping you.
Where's the shiv?
Where'd you put it?
And no, you're not
stabbing him. I am.
Free country.
You're an asshole.
Takes one to know one,
bitch.
God.
Ah!
Found it, bitch.
- Lockdown.
Oh, you're kidding me.
Hey.
I'm here
to return these shoes.
- Anything wrong with them?
- No.
I've just got so many
of them at home.
- Do you have the receipt?
- Sure do.
Here you go.
Thirty days exactly.
Mm.
Why don't I just
process this return?
Cool.
But first...
What's that?
Black light.
Need to check
if they've been worn.
Oh, uh, well,
I mean, look at them.
They've never
been worn before.
- You see?
- Yes, to my naked eye.
But my naked eye can't see
invisible bodily fluids.
You wouldn't imagine
what lengths people go to
trying to make it look like
they've never worn
a pair of shoes.
Everyone trying
to cheat the system.
Including you.
- Excuse me?
- Check it out.
Toddler urine.
Blood.
Surprise, surprise.
- A little bit of vomit.
- You can tell all that?
Sorry, I can't accept
these returns.
No, but, sir,
your thingy's wrong.
I've never worn
those shoes before.
Don't make me look you up
on Instagram.
I'm sure you posted plenty
of selfies in these shoes.
Please, sir,
I'm a single mother
struggling to make ends meet.
I just wanted something nice
for once in my life.
I promise you, I will
never do this again,
but these shoes are 800 bucks.
I can't afford that.
Suppose I could
make an exception.
- Thank you.
- Under one condition.
- Anything.
- You blow me after my shift.
Why does everything
have to come down to sex?
'Cause sex is awesome.
No. You just wanna feel
like you have power over me.
That's awesome too.
Can't I just, like,
wash your car
or something?
Mm...
not as satisfying.
So it's all about
degrading me, then.
I...guess.
Yes, it-it probably is.
Okay.
How 'bout...
how 'bout I give you
a blow job?
You just said
it was degrading.
It is, when you ask for it.
It's different
if you do?
Yeah.
'Cause then it's my choice.
It's my decision.
And I have the power.
Okay.
Then sure.
I'd love a blow job.
- Deal.
- I get off in two hours.
See you in two hours.
Have a good day!
- Shh.
Whoa! Oh, you sound like
your Grandpa Frank.
Yes, you do.
Let's see what's going on
in that diaper, huh?
'Cause that's...
a little smelly.
Pee-yew!
- I got you. I got you.
I got you.
Whoa!
How'd that much poop
come outta you, huh?
One sec, all right?
One sec.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
Ooh, that's black.
Yeah, they said
that'd be black.
I'm really just
smushing it around, aren't I?
Uh...
hey, I got an idea, all right?
- I got you.
Ready?
Here we go.
That's good.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah?
Hey.
Good as new.
All right?
Let's get a new diaper on you
and then we can have our nap,
okay?
I'm just gonna find
a new diaper.
Hospital only gave us
one diaper.
Buddy,
what are we gonna do?
I know.
Here goes another one!
Open it! Open it!
Open it! Open it!
I bet it's another one of those
essential oil diffusers.
It's crazy how many people
ordered that piece of crap.
Hey, I'm excited to use my
piece of crap when I get home.
Another Vitamix!
- Yes!
- Let's take it, V.
- We already have one, Kev.
Oh, right.
All right, who wants it?
- Oh, me!
- Me, me, me, me!
Here you go, Kermit.
You haven't had anything
in a while.
- Thank you, Kev.
- You're welcome, buddy.
All right, V.
- Bring the next box out.
- Yeah!
- Come on, now!
- Come on.
- There's nothin' left.
- What?
- Don't be greedy.
You just got a bunch
of free stuff.
What about the returns?
- The what?
- Yeah.
OBS guys have to drive
around picking up packages.
That's right.
There must be tons
of stuff out there!
Yeah, well, we're not giving
it away for free this time.
- We're not?
- No! We're gonna
auction that off, make some
money off these ingrates.
Go get that scanner thing
from the dead guy, Kev,
- and pick up the packages.
- Can I drive the van?
Knock yourself out.
I'm gonna take this bassinet
over to Lip.
How attached are you
to that pool?
How's it going?
Good. Good.
Well, shit.
Ah, don't let the collar
scare you.
Just trying to make extra money
for the CYO basketball team.
Not here to take you
to heaven...yet.
Or worse,
the downstairs place.
- Abort mission!
- What?
It's a priest!
Ooh!
Heavens to Betsy.
Are you okay?
My leg.
My leg is broken.
Oh, my Go
Oh, uh, uh...
a priest,
a priest.
That's what I was
trying to tell you.
Oh.
Wait.
What's going on here?
Uh...we're good, Padre.
Praise Jesus.
I've been healed!
Were you two
trying to scam me?
Nah, it's just
a misunderstanding.
We'll be on our way.
If you're in need of money
for a meal, I can help.
- Come again?
- The Lord, of course,
wants you to promise
you won't use it on drugs.
That would be a sin.
- Thank you, Padre.
- Let's get outta here
- before he changes his mind.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Okay, okay.
Booze or coke
or a little of both, Frank?
What do you say?
What do you say?
What happened?
Why ain't you happy?
We got ten dollars.
Ten dollars is not
gonna solve our problem.
She's gonna kick us out.
We gotta find a place
to sleep.
It pisses me off.
I got an inheritance
waiting for me,
and Debbie's
holding it hostage.
You know what
your problem is?
You let women
run your life
your daughters,
your dead wife,
your mother too, I bet.
It's true.
She made me pee sitting down.
Said I splashed
on her magazines.
Those female types
have pussy-whipped
the masculinity from your soul.
They have.
You know,
because of men like you,
women like Debbie
feel entitled and empowered.
They do.
You need to break
the cycle, Frank!
Press the reset button.
You need to reclaim
your patriarchy.
Let's go back
to the house,
storm that castle,
and take back what's yours.
- Yes!
- Yes!
You're hurting me.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Come on!
- All right.
- All right.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's all right, buddy, okay?
It's all right.
It's all right.
You can stop crying, all right?
Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
Hey, there you go, okay?
I'm gonna go to the bathroom
real quick, okay, okay?
Then I'm gonna come
right back.
We'll take a nap together,
all right?
- All right, shh, shh.
Stay right there, okay?
Stay right there.
Stay right there.
- Okay.
All right, I'm going
to the bathroom now, okay?
I don't know how people go
to the bathroom with babies.
I don't know how people do much
of anything with babies.
I don't think I'm gonna
be able to...
...take a shower till your mom
gets outta the hospital,
- you know?
Shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where'd you go?
Where'd you...go?
How...does this even happen?
You were right...here.
You were right here.
Are you serious?
I lost my baby?
Fuck.
Freddie?
Maybe he ran away
because you named him Freddie.
Hey.
Hey.
And he has on
a sanitary pad with wings?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I ran outta diapers.
You can't leave a baby
alone like that.
- I fell asleep.
- You can't fall asleep.
Hey, it was two seconds.
Something could have
fell on him.
Someone could have
stepped on him.
Yeah, well, there's
no one else here, so...
When's Tami gettin' out?
She's still in ICU.
I-I don't know.
I brought you
a baby gift.
It's a bassinet,
but you need to assemble it.
V...I'm tired, you know?
Welcome to parenthood.
You're only supposed to wear
one of those nicotine patches
at a time.
So...here we are.
Yup.
Do you do this with a lot
of women at the store?
I get a fair amount
of play.
Really?
Why do you say it
like that?
Shoe salesman?
I'm actually a violinist.
Oh! Yeah?
Classically trained.
Studied at Berkeley
School of Music.
Oh...that's cool.
I bet you're pretty good.
Bring my violin to work
with me every day,
thinking I'll...
play it at lunch.
Instead I go
to Wetzel's Pretzel.
I'm sure lots
of famous musicians
hang out at the food court.
- You ready?
Wait.
You think I like
looking at feet all day?
Isn't that your job?
I hate it.
I hate myself.
That's why I try
to get women to blow me.
Does it make you feel
any better about yourself?
For a few minutes.
Until
the self-loathing comes back.
- Shall we do this?
- No, don't.
I don't want...
blow jobs from
random women anymore.
No?
I'm gonna give my notice.
- What about my shoes?
- Keep 'em.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
I'm going back
to the violin.
Hey. What's goin' on?
Why am I different
from everyone in my family?
It's like, if I was adopted,
I would understand.
but it's like I spun
the roulette wheel
and landed on black.
Because once upon a time,
a slave owner raped a slave.
But now I'm being raised
by a bunch of crackers,
and they won't even
give me the talk.
You don't know about
the birds and the bees yet?
Yeah. I've known
since I was six.
The talk of how to survive
as a black man in America.
Yo, yo, yo.
That's a lotta returns.
Yeah, this scanner machine
thingy
is fun as shit.
- Can I help you?
- Bye, Lori.
- See ya tomorrow.
Unless I see you tonight when
you sneak into my apartment,
'cause you know I leave
my key under my mat.
Isn't that sexual harassment?
It doesn't count
when you're a dude.
Oh.
So what's your deal?
Meaning?
- Well, you look like a chola.
- Excuse me?
And there's been a whole lot
of little Mexican kids
coming in here
to get takeout food today.
You're making this
a race thing.
No. I'm just wondering
if you're running
some type of game up in here.
The only game I'm running
is expanding the Captain Bob
shrimp business
to the Hispanic community.
Tartar sauce.
Vape?
Damn, girl.
I am man!
- Hear me roar!
Rahh!
Oh, shit.
They're takin' my couch!
Hey, leave that right there!
That's my couch!
Perfect.
Couch is perfect right there.
We do not need this couch.
Now, take it back right now.
Sorry, man.
We just deliver shit.
Ah, so comfy.
And look, no fecal stains.
That's my money
you're sittin' on.
We needed a new couch, Frank.
So I took care of it.
How 'bout you thank me
instead of bitching at me?
- $600?
- Wait, what?
- What?
- Nice things cost.
Yeah, but it's
our money too.
Yeah, we should have a say
in what we buy.
Yeah, I mean, it'd be nice
to have some cash
to buy diapers
instead of using
your sanitary pads.
I, for one, am tired of being
repressed and controlled
by the women in this family.
Are you with me, gentlemen?
It might just be
the sleep deprivation,
but I kind of agree
with Frank.
You know, me too.
Debbie and Fiona
have been bitching at us
our whole lives.
Look what you've done.
Are you proud of yourself?
No one wants you
to be in charge.
We didn't elect you.
We're on best behavior
for this little infant boy
who still stands a chance
of feeling like a man someday.
Oh, fuck you guys.
I don't need this shit.
Fiona left me the money.
You don't like it, leave.
Just like a bully
to say something like that.
Who wants a beer and chicken?
Ah, dude, your kid
smells like an ashtray.
- Dude, I'm stabbing him.
- Not if I get there first.
I have the shiv.
Enzo slipped me his
through the vent, bitch.
Oh!
Shit!
Christ on a cross!
Ohh!
The arm?
Weak.
- Oh!
- Chester, it's Ian.
You get to stay.
I stabbed you.
No, no, no.
Jesus Christ!
Mick, you're gonna
fucking kill him!
What are you two morons
doing?
Hey, I stabbed Chester.
Send me to solitary, okay?
No, no, no.
He's taking the fall for me.
Thank you.
I-I stabbed this piece of shit.
- No, I fuckin' stabbed in.
- Jesus, Chester.
You got two of them
to do it this time?
This time?
He does this
every couple months.
Makes a deal with an inmate
to stab him
so he can postpone his release.
You two idiots
are comin' with me. Go.
- Y
- Hey, I'm bleedin' out
- over here.
- Calm down, Chester.
I'll call the medic.
What are you up to...
Deb-or-ah?
Your mommy's gonna love you
so much, you know?
She is.
Maybe not as much as me, but...
it's gonna be pretty close.
She's gonna gobble up
those teeny-tiny hands.
Yeah.
And those teeny-tiny ears too.
Huh? I'm sorry.
And then you know
what she's gonna do?
One, two, three,
four, five.
- Oh, shit, dude.
Okay, here we go.
Here we go.
I got you, bud. I got you.
I got you. I got you.
Everything okay in there?
I almost dropped him.
Ah.
Don't worry if you do.
They're made of Jell-O
the first few months.
He'll be fine.
You won't hurt him.
Get some sleep, son.
You look tired.
Well, well.
What do we have here?
Mikey?
I'm not Mikey.
Jesus,
did you follow me here?
I'm a dangerous man
with a scary knife.
And...and...
I can't breathe
in this thing.
A little help here,
please.
- Ooh!
- What the hell do you want?
Huh.
You steal all this stuff?
None of your business.
"Purchase date."
"Return by date."
So you're buying this shit,
using it,
and returning it, aren't you?
Get out of my she-shed.
Oh, I will.
I will, as soon as you answer
this one question for me.
Who's your daddy?
Why are men so pervy?
I am not blowing you!
Who said anything
about blowing me?
You just asked,
"Who's your daddy?"
I meant that in a real way,
not a sexual way.
Frank is my best friend!
You're practically my daughter.
Uh, yeah, no, I'm not.
Who's your daddy?
As in, you need
to respect him.
Hell no.
Well, then...
you leave me no choice.
No!
Don't.
You get these back when Frank
is head of the household
and in charge
of the family money.
You don't think I can
deck you right now?
You don't think I could eat
these receipts right now?
Don't eat that!
You know what you
have to do.
You got 24 hours.
Make things right.
Fuck!
Quit tomorrow, okay?
Sleep well, my prince,
for tomorrow...
you shall be king.
Yeah.
Wake up!
Get up, Gallaghers.
I just got Freddie
back down.
You wake him,
so help me, God.
Yeah, I know you're gonna
throw out my breakfast
- if I'm not down in time.
- What is it this time, Debs?
Cover your tits,
everyone.
- She may have a knife.
- Shh!
No knives.
What I do have, however,
are ATM cards,
one for the each of you.
What?
Hundred bucks on each,
to be replaced weekly.
- Sweet.
- 'Bout time.
Well, I really should get
more on mine.
I realized that I've been
holding power over all of you
because I feel shitty
about myself.
Uh, you only pull wings
off a fly
because you're dead inside,
right?
So...one for you...
and you...
you.
Frank,
if you wanna take over
as head of the household,
please do.
It's a shit job.
My receipts.
I can't believe that's
what you wanted to buy
with your money.
Gotta start a business, son.
Can't get ahead
on a fry cook's salary.
Plus, it's better than
that shitty ancestry kit
you wanted to buy.
- Just wanna know who I am.
- You're a Gallagher.
- Same as me.
- I'm black.
Yeah, and you get
to check the black card
for the rest of your life.
Move to the front of the line.
You got it made.
Except I can't walk down
the street wearing a hoodie
without worrying that a cop's
gonna put me in a chokehold.
You can just pick up
your order over there.
Hey, Anne,
I got a proposition for you.
I know you're selling
vape pens
to little Mexican kids.
- That is not what I'm d
- Don't argue.
I already looked
in your tartar sauce box.
- Is than a euphemism?
- No.
And I wanna go
into business with you.
Why would I do that?
Well, because you only have
the Hispanic market,
and if you wanna expand
your business,
you gotta tap into the underage
white kids that I know
- and black kids...
- That I know.
So you and I are partners now.
We'll split profits 50-50.
Liam and I will go
to the playground,
round up new buyers.
And here's your supplies.
Menthol?
Trust me, my customers
will love it.
- I stabbed him first.
- No, you did not.
- Oh, shut up.
- You shut up.
Don't fuckin' tell me
what to do.
If you shut
your fuckin' pie hole,
I wouldn't have
to tell you what to do.
Yeah, please,
that'll be the day,
when Ian Gallagher doesn't
nag the shit outta my ass
and tell me what to do
about somethin'!
You know, if you just
wiped the toilet seat
for once in your life,
I wouldn't fuckin' nag you.
If you just, like, picked up
your nail clippings
Who gives a shit
about any of that?
We're in fuckin' prison!
- I do, you fuckin' pig.
- That's the problem.
You sound like
a couple of old broads.
I'ma murder you two
if you don't stop talkin'.
Hi, Frank.
Give us a hand here,
would you, kid?
Hey, Frank, do you know
who banged a black person
in our family lineage?
Yeah, someone from your
mother's grandfather's
side of the family
had a mistress.
- And she was black?
- She is black.
She's still alive?
Lives down the street.
What?
Why didn't you tell me?
Get away from the house,
Frank.
You know the rules.
That's why, son.