Shameless (2004–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
When Carol learns that Lillian once slept with her husband thirty years ago she reports her to the Social Security for benefit fraud. Consequently the estate is invaded by investigators though the wily residents take action,Carl hiring himself out to couples claiming child benefit and Frank posing as Lillian's husband. This annoys Sheila who,after bedding Tony,gets him to track down her husband Eddie to agree for a divorce,whereupon Frank proposes to her. Carl's jealousy of Lip's girlfriend Emily leads him to tell her that Lip has been two-timing her with Mandy.
Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate
is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids who
l'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves,
which they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why
nobody calls him Phillip any more.
lan, a lot like his mam, which is handy for
the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl. We daren't let him
grow his hair for two reasons -
it makes it stand on end and makes him
Iook like Toyah, and nits love him.
Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change
but she'll go miles out of her way
to do you a favour,
plus lickle Liam,
who's gonna be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbours Kev
and Veronica - lend ya anything,
well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty - the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts
and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's pe_ect.
But all of 'em to a man
know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life
is they know how to throw a party!
Heh, heh, heh, scatter!
(Sheila) 'l was always a terrible
sleeper before l met Frank.
'l used to have a recurring nightmare
where l was trapped in a roll of
'carpet when l was due to turn on
the Christmas lights in Copenhagen,
'home of the Little Mermaid.
'lt's such a lovely story,
the Little Mermaid.
'She loved the prince so much
'she agreed to lose her voice
so she could marry him.
'Since Frank and l have been an item
'l haven't had the nightmare once.
'l like to think it stopped
because once l'd met Frank,
'all my dreams have come true.
Well, almost all.
'The only thing l've got left to
dream about is the day l say ''l do''#
l've put the truncheon on a boil wash.
Oh, fucking Countdown.
Don't be long, babe.
What the fuck you doing there?
Out of supplies.
- Bingo.
- Those are mine, actually!
Fuck om. Expiry date June '06?
l don't think so.
lt's a two-slice limit on toast per person.
GROANING AND GRUNTING
OtheM/ise the bread budget's
just a big joke. Hello?
Yeah, more toast, ta.
- What you doing sleeping outside?
- Ask Carl.
- Have you had a fight?
(lan) Only with himself.
- Oi!
- Good night, Carl?
Surprised you got a wink of sleep.
< Burn!
Shit! Fire!
Bloody hell, fire!
Oi!
What was that in aid of?
l'm sorry, Carol. l just reacted.
l thought it were Marty.
What the fuck are you burning?
Memories. Suit of my dead husband.
Betrayed from beyond the grave.
Man-made fibre. Drip dry.
Shall l make comee or will
l be disturbing the crime scene?
l know what it's like in CSl.
lt's OK, Sheila. Have you had chance to
sort out what's missing?
That's the funny thing. l don't
know if they were disturbed or...
Oh! Oh, my God!
They've taken my Countdown mug!
Frank!
Bloody...Oh, bloody hell!
Well, he definitely
came in the bedroom.
Looks like he tried to
disguise himself an' all.
Oh, no... That's mine.
Fuckin' idiot!
lf you'd left that out, l'd probably have thought it
was a truncheon.
That's funny,
you've just broken my dream.
Oh, Tony, love.
lt's an easy mistake to make.
For me, you mean. It's no wonder girls, women,
don't fancy us.
lt's like they smell it on me,
Sheila. It's no joke at my age.
Oh...
Thieves!
Hi.
All right, Carol, love?
Looks like your Marty's getting on OK.
Suits uniform, don't he?
Carol, what's wrong?
You of all people... Stay away from me!
(Over radio) 'Shoplifter.
Aisle two. Beige coat. Female#
Roger. Received.
Proceeding to aisle two.
Carol, what's wrong? What is it?
Her.
- Carol?
(Marty) Are you sure? Fuck.
- She doesn't look someone who'd...
- Stop her!
(Lillian) Carol?
Carol?
What are you doing, Marty?
Let go of me!
(Security guard) Keep hold of her!
For the love of God,
l haven't done anything!
Mum! Shoplifter!
You!!
Well, they're not pressing charges.
Five pots of Chicken Tonight
and a lemon zester.
What were you playing at, Mum?
lt's too much to expect a bit of moral support
from me own flesh and blood.
lt was Marty's first day!
When did he ever keep a job
for more than five minutes?
Anyway, if you're looking for
somebody to blame, blame her.
Penny to a pound it was her
that tipped om the manager.
Lillian? She's your best mate.
Why would she do a thing like that?
l found it in the pocket
of that suit of your dad's.
Christ!
You always said you thought he
were dipping his wick Jubilee year.
Yeah, but with what's her name.
Terrible teeth.
You were too young to remember.
We were as thick as thieves, Veronica -
Lillian and Brendan and me and your dad.
Oh, Mum.
Oh, don't worry about me.
l'm not one to sit idly by.
'As ye sow, so shall ye reap#
You mark my words.
Yes, hello. l'd like to report
someone for benefit fraud.
Chatsworth Estate, Meadowbank Road.
Yes, that's right. Number...28.
Fuckin' scum.
Benefit fraud?
Who'd they think they're having on?
That's Big Brother, innit?
OM/ell, 1984.
Sex crime! Sex crime! Course,
poor bugger'd know all about that.
George OM/ell, real name Eric Blair.
Lifelong socialist,
so, no relation to Tony.
f3.95, Frank.
lt's the thin end of the wedge.
Kev, what is it?
lt's roots to whaddyamacallit.
lf you drive a wedge into the
community you can do what you like.
lt's how Hitler started.
(Frank) They're after Lillian now.
Fucking twat.
Some cunt called in, didn't they?
Looked at that poster and thought,
''l know, l'll fuck her up.'' Why?
(COUGHS)
All right, Mum?
Peanuts.
Keep repeating on me.
Should've known better.
They're not even paying!
ls that what it's come to?
Cos if it is,
fuckin' Bin Laden's won, hasn't he?
Agincourt, Dunkirk, Live Aid...
Bomb the lot, may as well start again.
l hear there's a push on.
It's not just them posters, Frank,
they're not relying
on anybody calling in.
As if anybody would.
They are.
No, apparently they're looking into
everyone round here who's claiming.
Well, l'm fucked then!
You and half the fuckin' estate.
We're om!
Where did you hear that then, Mum?
Down the community centre.
As soon as you can, yeah.
Are you not a bit worried, Frank?
Plight of the common man, mate. It's never
over till the fat lady fucks you over.
Anyway, fuckers can't get me,
can they? l'm dead.
Yeah, but haven't you and Lillian
been claiming for her Brendan?
Waste of money that was.
Went down like a fuckin' lead balloon.
Woo-hoo!
Right, guys.
Half the estate are scamming it.
They're ours for the taking.
Fucking parasites!
< You fit then? Let's go!
Let's knock on every door.
Carl! It's Mrs Pierce for yer! >
What's she want?
Can you ask her what she wants?
What did your last slave die of?
What've they been
feeding yer, Baby Bio?
We've had a call from the Social.
Another one?
Thought we'd sorted it
Iast time. Can you come?
Yeah, whatever.
Still a tenner?
Now then.
Can you confirm that there is a child
under 18, permanently resident at
your address, 26 Meadowbank Road?
Yes, we can.
And that you are the parent or
approved guardian of that child?
Last time we looked. Eh, Dad?
That's a yes, then...
And you are currently claiming child
benefit for Nathan Andrew Pierce.
That's correct.
He's a big lad for ten, isn't he?
Don't know where he came from.
New pair of trainers
every five minutes.
Yep, that's secure.
You've done a good job.
They won't be bothering you again.
Taught myself to be handy with a
power tool. Never looked back.
Never really got into DIY myself.
l'm too quick, right?
l'm in there and
l'm trying to stop meself...
think of all the teams
ever managed by Graeme Souness,
or think of fucking Graeme Souness,
but it's like a road accident,
and l'm flooring the brakes but
nothing stops me
and yeah. Through the windscreen.
Gone in 60 seconds.
Five, if l'm lucky.
No-one's exactly
coming back for more.
Oh, Tony love.
Squeeze technique,
works like a charm!
Eddie, Karen's dad, he was a
ten-second wonder
when we first got together.
And you're practically
family, aren't yer?
Better now,
that's better, that's right..
Ahh.. arrgh... Fucking hell, Sheila!
Oh, sorry, sorry,
don't know me own strength.
OK?
Yeah.. OK...
l got Eddie up to a good five
minutes before he had to move
into the spare room. That was a
wedding that should never have been.
l knew the moment l woke up -
locum had to give me an injection to
see me through the vows.
You could see on the video,
l thought l'd married the vicar.
Oops, sorry, sorry...
Iapse of concentration.
Never mind, it's a polyester blend,
chuck it in the wash.
There you go.
Say you're the landlord,
mock up the rent book and they can't
do you for housing benefit.
Nice one.
He'll be a minute -
it's cash in advance.
l told Emily you'd be her brother -
they've got a visit.
They paying?
Fuck om, she's my girlfriend.
- It's a favour.
- l don't mind.
Ne_. >
Now we've been
claiming for our dad...
Cheers.
We'll soon set the buggers right, eh?
You don't mind me borrowing
your husband?
Course you can. He's not, anyway...
my husband that is...
Twisted fuckers are trying to catch
you out - if we eat together...
l'll get a bit of ham in.
Eh, l knew l was right to marry you.
Ta-ra. No Spam!
l don't think l like it, Frank.
Dead man's shoes.
Terms and conditions.
l've been getting half
of Brendan's disability,
it's the least l can do, innit?
Doesn't feel right, cracking on
you're married.
lt's like tempting fate.
So, Miss, erm Jackson, you've been
reported as working behind the bar
here while claiming unemployment
and housing benefit.
Yeah.
Well, she helps me out from
time to time, don't you, honey? >
That's all. Wouldn't your girlfriend
do the same for you?
lf she did, and we were living together,
she'd be unable to claim benefit.
Under current regulations
l'd be assumed to be supporting her.
Well
it's not our problem' that society
won't recognise our relationship.
We know how we feel.
Don't we, Karen, love?
Oh, hi... Mum! He's here!
You've got to be Dom, my brother,
yeah? The one with the ASBO.
He lives in Stockport with me Dad,
but they think he lives with us.
This is Mum, me step-dad Troy...
Lip's little brother.
Hiya, love.
MOBILE BEEPS
You hear that? That is so shit.
Sounds all right to me.
Yeah?
No, can't for a bit.
l'll te_ you, right?
It's a piece of shit.
l totally fucking hate it.
Saw this 3G mobile when l was in
town...
lt's that lush, dead light but
really good picture quality.
Makes yours look
like a fucking piece of shit.
Better start saving
up then, hadn't yer?
- Will you tell 'im?
- Don't wind her up, Troy.
Have you asked him if
he wants a cappuccino?
No, l'm all right, thanks.
Fuck you looking at?
Thanks very much, Linda.
Here you go.
Cheers, Shirley. Ta very much.
See you later, Emily!
DOOR SLAMS
lt's 3G yeah?
Where's the video bit?
l'll only charge a tenner.
What you roping our
Carl in for, Smeggy?
Nothing.
l was helping him with his homework.
Tell Debbie l won't be in later?
l said l'd do a rent book...
l'm going round Emily's.
Ta-da! Brendan Tyler lives!
Mind out on me floor!
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Wish me luck, babes.
What's he wearing all that for?
Outside, outside, shoes on me floor!
Oh, right!
Lillian was round this morning.
Frank's asked for some photos
of her...
Can you relax your grip a bit?
Do you want to see why?
Yeah.
Sheila, it's a bit tight.
They reckon it's for the Social.
To add authenticity, Frank says.
Makes you think though, doesn't it?
Made me think anyway, seeing it.
He's never asked me you know, Tony.
That should be me there.
It should be me!
Aggghh, Sheila!
l'm sorry...
lt's just it would be the
happiest day of my life.
Well, maybe you
should talk to Frank about it,
you know, tell him how you feel.
l don't know...
Pop the question yourself.
Oh no.
lt's a man's job to
propose, isn't it?
Eh, minute and a half!
That's a lot better.
OK, you ready?
Ready? Now.
GASPS OF PLEASURE
See? Much better.
Emily, l really wanted to erm..
l found this... l wanted to give it
yer...
For Christ's sake, Carl,
give it a rest will yer!
l weren't doing om!
Sooner you get yourself laid,
sooner l can get a
proper night's sleep!
Whatsername, Jason Digby's
sister, she'll suck anybody om.
Yeah right! Even Jason Digby's
sister's not that fucking desperate.
l weren't doing om!
l erm...wanted to give it yer.
There isn't a video bit.
Just got an upgrade.
Jada might give you a fiver for it.
- It's mine, gimme.
- l want a turn, come on.
You can't just
fucking barge in here..
We're looking for Tom Lawson.
Don't you lot ever talk to each
other? We've sorted it out.
Your son is here, Mrs Lawson?
You're looking at him,
now what's your fucking problem?
- Fuck's that?
- Condition of your bail, Dominic.
Bail...what you on about?
Maybe if you'd turned up
for the hearing.
Don't start on me, you
sanctimonious old twat.
Since the ASBO's failed to
control your son, and he's now been
charged with a crime, the court's
taken the decision to tag him.
You're mental, you are. They keep
them things on for like, months.
Dom'll be back ne_ week.
He's gone to one of them Slawy
countries with his dad,
picking up knock-om DVDs.
Hang on, Ellerby Road.
And?
l'm not allowed - tag'll go om.
What if the tag goes om?
Cops'll get me. l'm supposed to stay
at Emily's so they can check up.
- Dream come true.
- What's that supposed to mean?
You fancy Emily.
Fuck om! Do l fuck!
Lip'll break up with her.
He always does. Or they chuck him.
Bet yer anything. Thing is,
though, a girl like Emily...
Learn to drive before you
set your heart on the Ferrari.
Do you think l need a car?
ln the end right, there's
either chemistry or there isn't.
lt's all to do with the way you
smell - they've tested it on chimps.
Where the fuck are we?
ELECTRONIC TAG BEEPS
Shit!
Frank!
Frank! Sheila! Come over here!
l think you're wanted.
Come over here. Come on, come on.
You all right love?
l've got your money.
Married for 40 years,
never a cross fucking word!
< Sheila...
Sheila.
l don't have my face rubbed in it.
She's not paying me!
lt's got nom to do with you!
No!
Cos l'm nothing, l suppose...
Just your bit on the side!
Course you are!
What? You don't think l'm...
What? Lillian and me...
Fuck om!
Jesus! 20#20 vision, Sheila.
Eh? And l'm in sound mind.
For fuck's sake,
sort yourself out, will yer?
l'm sorry.
Hey. Come on, you know you
shouldn't mix your drinks.
l'm sorry.
l know you'd never be unfaithful.
l trust you with my life.
lt's just all
that being married stum,
having it thrown back in my face.
l know l shouldn't say it, but if l
just had a ring on my finger...
Sheila, love.
You know, fucking hell, you know
there is nothing l would like more
than to call you
Mrs Frank Gallagher.
l don't know, no.
But the... Yeah, yeah,
but no, no, because you're still
married to, you know, Eddie the Owl,
l'm still married to Monica,
plus there's the being dead thing.
We're star-crossed!
The love that dare not speak
its name.
No, l mean l don't blame yer...
AARGHHH!
Does me head in.
There's not a day goes by...
Yeah?
But, you know l love you
to bits, you know that.
Oh, l'm sorry, Frank.
l just thought, you know,
cos you've never asked...
Sheila Jackson,
will you do me the honour
of being my wife?
To have and to hold, for richer
and poorer and all that other shite,
till death do us part...
Yes!
Oh, Frank,
Frank, l love you so much!
l love you so much.
Yeah, yeah, but...
Monica's a mad Catholic bitch,
you know, she'll never let us go...
Let's go and tell everyone!
l'm getting...
The Lord
will sit in judgment, Lillian Tyler!
Early menopause my arse...
What did you omer him, eh?
something he couldn't get at home?
Carol!
The way l'd sumered with
my piles over Veronica!
That was told in confidence!
lt were the 'TOs!
Calm down!
May as well leave it for now, eh?
l can't say l'm overly
impressed with the espresso.
All right, Carl? l've put you
a duvet down in Harley's room.
When do you have to ring in again?
Midnight, then seven.
What's going on? Te_ed Lip
three times this afternoon.
Where the fuck is he?
l haven't seen him for two days.
Dunno. He said he were
coming round here last night.
- Probably got another lass on the go!
- It's not fucking funny!
All right!
l was only having a laugh.
That sensitive.
Always been like that, haven't you?
Must've got it wrong about Lip coming
round. Wasn't really listening.
We really do appreciate this.
Don't we, Emily?
DOOR SLAMS
l can see you looking, Lip.
Don't know why
blokes think you can't!
Sorry. Only...
l thought you were supposed to get
big tits when you've had a baby?
Fuck om! She's on bottles.
Breast-feeding's better.
You do it then. Hurts like fuck.
Not natural, is it?
You can come back and see her.
Just didn't want to wake her up.
Has an eppie every time
l put her in her buggy.
You're all right. l've got to...
l said l'd go see someone.
Oh, yeah?
Still on with Emily Lawson?
lt just, well, suits us both.
We don't talk or om.
To be honest, l think
she finds me a bit boring.
Don't knock her up and all.
Might have learned
me lesson on that one.
The UB6T3. You needed to take
a whole afternoon for that one.
You can see where the biro ran out.
Replaced by the UB96.
Mrs Jackson, l can see
you've kept excellent records.
l'm satisfied everything's
in order at your end.
ls there anything you'd like to ask?
How would notifying you of
a change in my circumstances
amect my eligibility to claim?
lf l were to get married...
(Radio) 'Tony, come in please.
'Domestic at 12 Minton Way.
'Tony, come in please..#
l'll be there in ten, over.
Neighbourhood watch.
ENGINE STARTS
SIREN
CAR SPEEDS AWAY
Don't let Debbie see ya.
She's talking about one bowl
per family member per day.
You bastard!
- This an ambush?
- l saw you with Mandy Maguire...
- So what?
- It's who you've been seeing, innit?
- Seeing, yeah.
- You're a fucking disgrace.
What's it got to do with you?
You're supposed to be
going out with Emily!
The only reason l'm seeing Mandy
is to see my kid.
It's got nothing to do with Emily.
Didn't see ya with a baby today.
Why did you lie
if you're not shagging Mandy?
Why are you keeping it secret
if it's just what you said?
Fuck om!
Hiya.
l've been waiting ages for you.
Thought you could
help me with me maths.
l mean it!
MOANING FROM UPSTAIRS
TURNS UP TV
Dear... Fuck! Erm...
l really wanted to... No, no, no, no.
l erm...
Dear Em...
ALARM
Oh, God! Shit!
Gotta do the tag!
Fuck's sake, let go will yer?
She's ringing the fucking ambulance!
Fuck you do that for?
He knew! l told him, Emily!
No fucking strikes in this house!
You touch another woman,
that's it, you're out!
Didn't have to fucking kill him!
Oh, shit!
He'd never look at another woman.
Then why have we got
crabs in the house?
Someone's been shagging around,
and it's not me.
Yeah, but...
lt's Lip.
Lip's been shagging around.
Fuck's sake... Sheila?
What the fuck's this?
- They've updated all their records.
- You what?
Mr Anastasiou was so helpful. He
said he'd rectify wherever possible.
- Rectify?
- Everything! All your benefits.
And...they're all backdated. Look!
Fucking...
Fucking massive!
Top girl. Fuck me,
pennies from fucking heaven!
l've been on to the registry omice.
They say we have to give them six
weeks notice to post the banns,
but we don't have to have the do there.
That's all right.
l was thinking the Gormley hotel.
They always do such a lovely bumet.
Hang on, rewind.
l'm getting ahead of myself.
Frank, Eddie's agreed to a divorce.
Yeah, but... Last l heard, you
didn't even have an address for him.
Tony gave me a hand.
The DVLC computer.
Eddie's happy to sign
any papers we want.
So that's him, you're alive
and then there's just Monica.
Surely even Monica wouldn't get in
the way of our happiness?
She's a complex character, Monica.
She can't stand in our way, Frank!
SHE CAN'T!
Fucking hell, Sheila! Where's the...
Oh, Frank...
Hang on, Jesus!
Look... Look, l'll get on the
bus and go over there now.
Do it in person.
You know, seize the nettle.
Sheila, love, l'm onto it!
Frank... Frank.
Frank...
All them years!
What's a fucking piece of paper?
You can't just...
Marriage is a solemn state
entered into by a man and a woman.
State, yeah,
yeah, for the fucking state.
Cogs in the fucking wheel.
Plus, the whole thing costs
a fucking mint.
Keeps it all going.
It's an industry.
Classic. ''l do.'' And ''You're fucked.''
And all the talking...
What've you been
saying to our Emily?
Fuck all. l just said
her boyfriend's a scally.
He fucking is, isn't he?
You haven't been using them towels
on the landing?
l had a shower.
l put 'em out for a boil wash.
They're crawling.
You can tell your
brother he's fucking dead.
He can pay for the stum from
the fucking chemist and all.
l'm really sorry, Emily. It's just,
Lip deserves a twatting.
l tried telling him.
You should be with someone who
does stum for yer, gives you
loads of presents and stum.
You're gorgeous.
And l know you understand stum,
about people, cos you feel things,
like what l do.
There's all this stum l could talk
to you about, stum in me head...
Yeah, Carl, can you just fuck om?
Who's he? >
Push om, will yer? And tell Lip
not to bother calling me again.
Hiya.
ALARM
Your brother at home then, Carl?
Troy! Troy!
It weren't Lip, it were Emily!
Troy!
Fuck it! You can't!
Stop! Troy, stop, it weren't him.
lt was Emily with the crabs!
She's a slag.
She's been shagging another lad,
with a car.
You calling my missus's
Iass a slag?
She's a fucking slag!
No, stop it!
What are you doing?
Leave 'em alone!!
Fuck om out of it, love.
l said, ''Leave 'em alone.''
Fuck om, before you get hurt.
It's none of your business!
l'm warning you. If you don't
fuck om, l'm calling me dad.
Who's your dad, love?
Patrick fucking Maguire?
That's right. Mandy Maguire.
Suppose if he's not around,
one of me brothers might be free.
No, no, you're all right.
Sorry.
Sorry, love.
You never learn, do ya!
l didn't do om! Somebody
told him l was shagging around.
- Fucking arsewipe!
- l thought you were shagging Mandy!
Even if l did, l can't believe
you'd land me in the shit like that!
- Makes a change from you doing it!
- Hey, hey, come on.
- He could've fucking killed me!
- l thought you'd given everyone crabs!
What? Lip gave Carl crabs?
BABY CRIES
You must have known. l was just
beginning to worry about my tagine.
They say you can't overcook a braise,
but there are limits.
l thought we'd have
a little celebration.
Tell me if l'm being over the top,
but if you can't be over the top
for a wedding...
l've got my heart set on a croque en
bouche, instead of a fruit cake.
Look, spun sugar all over.
Some people are intimidated
by choux pastry,
but actually it's quite
straightfoM/ard.
(Slurred) She wasn't in.
Monica.
They were both out as it happens.
l see.
lt's all right.
Try again tomorrow, eh?
We've got all the time in the world,
haven't we?
l know, Frank.
l may be stupid, but l'm not blind.
No, yeah, right...
l do know.
To tell you the truth,
if l was you, l'm not
sure l'd want to marry me either.
l thought, just this once...
You know what l'm like.
Had it on my school report once.
''lf Sheila had her head in her books
as much as she does in the clouds,
''she'd be top of the class.''
Never felt like daydreaming.
Just felt like l was
waiting for something.
l never knew what.
Then you came along,
and l knew just like that...
Sorry.
There's a raspberry pannacotta
in the fridge if you've got room.
lt's nicest if you bring
it to room temperature.
l'm a bit shattered.
SOBBING
'Yeah, hello#
Oh, hello Shre... Norma love.
lt's Frank, Frank Gallagher.
'What the fuck...
What did you just call me?'
Don't start!
'What did you call me, you lanky
streak of piss? What do you want?'
Can l have a word with Monica?
'Oh, for fuck's sake#
Here you go, fellas.
No, put your money away.
All drinks are on Frank Gallagher.
lt's real diamonette, unique design.
See how the stones catch the light,
giving it an e_ra dimension?
Did you get it om QVC?
Yes! Frank said
l could take my pick!
lt's gorgeous.
Look.
Fuck me, look at him, will yer?
Bit weird, innit? l mean,
Mum and Dad getting a divorce?
Compared to what? Crop circles?
Dad living with Sheila?
Mum and Norma?
Yeah, l know, but now they're
never gonna get back together.
Hey, did you happen to see
The most beautiful girl
in the world?
And if you did, was she crying?
Normal service has resumed.
Fortunately.
Mum shagged me Uncle Roy at me
Auntie Cath's funeral. l reminded her.
Well, it sort of put it in its place,
me dad shagging Lillian.
lt was like he was retaliating.
We're pulling out. Had a call.
Head omice has costed it out.
We're paying you lot
more than when we started.
My number's on there.
You can, you know,
bring your friend.
What are you expecting,
a pillow fight?
Don't do us any favours,
you spineless little prick.
We're dykes, not fucking wank fodder
for pathetic little twats like you!
Go home to your internet, eh?
Oh, and by the way,
my cock's twice the size of yours!
You tell him. >
CHEERING
Kev.
(Frank) Bonny kiddie.
Takes after her dad.
You know, Phillip...
Phillip...
It's a very special feeling.
Yeah, everyone says that.
No, l don't mean the kiddie, that's
bollocks. l mean it's a very special
feeling you have for
the mother of your children.
l've only got one so far.
Not quite in your league.
Well, whatever happens,
they can't...
take that away from you,
you know, them feelings.
lt's like,
you know, it's in your bones.
lt's like when cancer spreads, and
they give up on the fucking chemo.
Oh, Frank, come and have a dance.
Look at that.
SLOW SONG PLAYS
l love you so much.
(Sheila) 'That night in the Jockey, l felt
like the Queen. ''Sheila Gallagher''.
'Just sounds right, doesn't it?
Like it was meant to be#
Hiya Kev. Long time no see.
Roxy Ball?
She's signed herself Ball!
We are still married, Vee.
You poisonous fucking bitch!
Fucking hell!
Does the sight of my penis
really upset you that much?
How long was she in prison?
Oh, a few years. GBH.
Come on then!
l'll kill the fucking lot of yers!
Starting with her!
is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids who
l'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves,
which they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why
nobody calls him Phillip any more.
lan, a lot like his mam, which is handy for
the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl. We daren't let him
grow his hair for two reasons -
it makes it stand on end and makes him
Iook like Toyah, and nits love him.
Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change
but she'll go miles out of her way
to do you a favour,
plus lickle Liam,
who's gonna be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbours Kev
and Veronica - lend ya anything,
well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty - the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts
and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's pe_ect.
But all of 'em to a man
know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life
is they know how to throw a party!
Heh, heh, heh, scatter!
(Sheila) 'l was always a terrible
sleeper before l met Frank.
'l used to have a recurring nightmare
where l was trapped in a roll of
'carpet when l was due to turn on
the Christmas lights in Copenhagen,
'home of the Little Mermaid.
'lt's such a lovely story,
the Little Mermaid.
'She loved the prince so much
'she agreed to lose her voice
so she could marry him.
'Since Frank and l have been an item
'l haven't had the nightmare once.
'l like to think it stopped
because once l'd met Frank,
'all my dreams have come true.
Well, almost all.
'The only thing l've got left to
dream about is the day l say ''l do''#
l've put the truncheon on a boil wash.
Oh, fucking Countdown.
Don't be long, babe.
What the fuck you doing there?
Out of supplies.
- Bingo.
- Those are mine, actually!
Fuck om. Expiry date June '06?
l don't think so.
lt's a two-slice limit on toast per person.
GROANING AND GRUNTING
OtheM/ise the bread budget's
just a big joke. Hello?
Yeah, more toast, ta.
- What you doing sleeping outside?
- Ask Carl.
- Have you had a fight?
(lan) Only with himself.
- Oi!
- Good night, Carl?
Surprised you got a wink of sleep.
< Burn!
Shit! Fire!
Bloody hell, fire!
Oi!
What was that in aid of?
l'm sorry, Carol. l just reacted.
l thought it were Marty.
What the fuck are you burning?
Memories. Suit of my dead husband.
Betrayed from beyond the grave.
Man-made fibre. Drip dry.
Shall l make comee or will
l be disturbing the crime scene?
l know what it's like in CSl.
lt's OK, Sheila. Have you had chance to
sort out what's missing?
That's the funny thing. l don't
know if they were disturbed or...
Oh! Oh, my God!
They've taken my Countdown mug!
Frank!
Bloody...Oh, bloody hell!
Well, he definitely
came in the bedroom.
Looks like he tried to
disguise himself an' all.
Oh, no... That's mine.
Fuckin' idiot!
lf you'd left that out, l'd probably have thought it
was a truncheon.
That's funny,
you've just broken my dream.
Oh, Tony, love.
lt's an easy mistake to make.
For me, you mean. It's no wonder girls, women,
don't fancy us.
lt's like they smell it on me,
Sheila. It's no joke at my age.
Oh...
Thieves!
Hi.
All right, Carol, love?
Looks like your Marty's getting on OK.
Suits uniform, don't he?
Carol, what's wrong?
You of all people... Stay away from me!
(Over radio) 'Shoplifter.
Aisle two. Beige coat. Female#
Roger. Received.
Proceeding to aisle two.
Carol, what's wrong? What is it?
Her.
- Carol?
(Marty) Are you sure? Fuck.
- She doesn't look someone who'd...
- Stop her!
(Lillian) Carol?
Carol?
What are you doing, Marty?
Let go of me!
(Security guard) Keep hold of her!
For the love of God,
l haven't done anything!
Mum! Shoplifter!
You!!
Well, they're not pressing charges.
Five pots of Chicken Tonight
and a lemon zester.
What were you playing at, Mum?
lt's too much to expect a bit of moral support
from me own flesh and blood.
lt was Marty's first day!
When did he ever keep a job
for more than five minutes?
Anyway, if you're looking for
somebody to blame, blame her.
Penny to a pound it was her
that tipped om the manager.
Lillian? She's your best mate.
Why would she do a thing like that?
l found it in the pocket
of that suit of your dad's.
Christ!
You always said you thought he
were dipping his wick Jubilee year.
Yeah, but with what's her name.
Terrible teeth.
You were too young to remember.
We were as thick as thieves, Veronica -
Lillian and Brendan and me and your dad.
Oh, Mum.
Oh, don't worry about me.
l'm not one to sit idly by.
'As ye sow, so shall ye reap#
You mark my words.
Yes, hello. l'd like to report
someone for benefit fraud.
Chatsworth Estate, Meadowbank Road.
Yes, that's right. Number...28.
Fuckin' scum.
Benefit fraud?
Who'd they think they're having on?
That's Big Brother, innit?
OM/ell, 1984.
Sex crime! Sex crime! Course,
poor bugger'd know all about that.
George OM/ell, real name Eric Blair.
Lifelong socialist,
so, no relation to Tony.
f3.95, Frank.
lt's the thin end of the wedge.
Kev, what is it?
lt's roots to whaddyamacallit.
lf you drive a wedge into the
community you can do what you like.
lt's how Hitler started.
(Frank) They're after Lillian now.
Fucking twat.
Some cunt called in, didn't they?
Looked at that poster and thought,
''l know, l'll fuck her up.'' Why?
(COUGHS)
All right, Mum?
Peanuts.
Keep repeating on me.
Should've known better.
They're not even paying!
ls that what it's come to?
Cos if it is,
fuckin' Bin Laden's won, hasn't he?
Agincourt, Dunkirk, Live Aid...
Bomb the lot, may as well start again.
l hear there's a push on.
It's not just them posters, Frank,
they're not relying
on anybody calling in.
As if anybody would.
They are.
No, apparently they're looking into
everyone round here who's claiming.
Well, l'm fucked then!
You and half the fuckin' estate.
We're om!
Where did you hear that then, Mum?
Down the community centre.
As soon as you can, yeah.
Are you not a bit worried, Frank?
Plight of the common man, mate. It's never
over till the fat lady fucks you over.
Anyway, fuckers can't get me,
can they? l'm dead.
Yeah, but haven't you and Lillian
been claiming for her Brendan?
Waste of money that was.
Went down like a fuckin' lead balloon.
Woo-hoo!
Right, guys.
Half the estate are scamming it.
They're ours for the taking.
Fucking parasites!
< You fit then? Let's go!
Let's knock on every door.
Carl! It's Mrs Pierce for yer! >
What's she want?
Can you ask her what she wants?
What did your last slave die of?
What've they been
feeding yer, Baby Bio?
We've had a call from the Social.
Another one?
Thought we'd sorted it
Iast time. Can you come?
Yeah, whatever.
Still a tenner?
Now then.
Can you confirm that there is a child
under 18, permanently resident at
your address, 26 Meadowbank Road?
Yes, we can.
And that you are the parent or
approved guardian of that child?
Last time we looked. Eh, Dad?
That's a yes, then...
And you are currently claiming child
benefit for Nathan Andrew Pierce.
That's correct.
He's a big lad for ten, isn't he?
Don't know where he came from.
New pair of trainers
every five minutes.
Yep, that's secure.
You've done a good job.
They won't be bothering you again.
Taught myself to be handy with a
power tool. Never looked back.
Never really got into DIY myself.
l'm too quick, right?
l'm in there and
l'm trying to stop meself...
think of all the teams
ever managed by Graeme Souness,
or think of fucking Graeme Souness,
but it's like a road accident,
and l'm flooring the brakes but
nothing stops me
and yeah. Through the windscreen.
Gone in 60 seconds.
Five, if l'm lucky.
No-one's exactly
coming back for more.
Oh, Tony love.
Squeeze technique,
works like a charm!
Eddie, Karen's dad, he was a
ten-second wonder
when we first got together.
And you're practically
family, aren't yer?
Better now,
that's better, that's right..
Ahh.. arrgh... Fucking hell, Sheila!
Oh, sorry, sorry,
don't know me own strength.
OK?
Yeah.. OK...
l got Eddie up to a good five
minutes before he had to move
into the spare room. That was a
wedding that should never have been.
l knew the moment l woke up -
locum had to give me an injection to
see me through the vows.
You could see on the video,
l thought l'd married the vicar.
Oops, sorry, sorry...
Iapse of concentration.
Never mind, it's a polyester blend,
chuck it in the wash.
There you go.
Say you're the landlord,
mock up the rent book and they can't
do you for housing benefit.
Nice one.
He'll be a minute -
it's cash in advance.
l told Emily you'd be her brother -
they've got a visit.
They paying?
Fuck om, she's my girlfriend.
- It's a favour.
- l don't mind.
Ne_. >
Now we've been
claiming for our dad...
Cheers.
We'll soon set the buggers right, eh?
You don't mind me borrowing
your husband?
Course you can. He's not, anyway...
my husband that is...
Twisted fuckers are trying to catch
you out - if we eat together...
l'll get a bit of ham in.
Eh, l knew l was right to marry you.
Ta-ra. No Spam!
l don't think l like it, Frank.
Dead man's shoes.
Terms and conditions.
l've been getting half
of Brendan's disability,
it's the least l can do, innit?
Doesn't feel right, cracking on
you're married.
lt's like tempting fate.
So, Miss, erm Jackson, you've been
reported as working behind the bar
here while claiming unemployment
and housing benefit.
Yeah.
Well, she helps me out from
time to time, don't you, honey? >
That's all. Wouldn't your girlfriend
do the same for you?
lf she did, and we were living together,
she'd be unable to claim benefit.
Under current regulations
l'd be assumed to be supporting her.
Well
it's not our problem' that society
won't recognise our relationship.
We know how we feel.
Don't we, Karen, love?
Oh, hi... Mum! He's here!
You've got to be Dom, my brother,
yeah? The one with the ASBO.
He lives in Stockport with me Dad,
but they think he lives with us.
This is Mum, me step-dad Troy...
Lip's little brother.
Hiya, love.
MOBILE BEEPS
You hear that? That is so shit.
Sounds all right to me.
Yeah?
No, can't for a bit.
l'll te_ you, right?
It's a piece of shit.
l totally fucking hate it.
Saw this 3G mobile when l was in
town...
lt's that lush, dead light but
really good picture quality.
Makes yours look
like a fucking piece of shit.
Better start saving
up then, hadn't yer?
- Will you tell 'im?
- Don't wind her up, Troy.
Have you asked him if
he wants a cappuccino?
No, l'm all right, thanks.
Fuck you looking at?
Thanks very much, Linda.
Here you go.
Cheers, Shirley. Ta very much.
See you later, Emily!
DOOR SLAMS
lt's 3G yeah?
Where's the video bit?
l'll only charge a tenner.
What you roping our
Carl in for, Smeggy?
Nothing.
l was helping him with his homework.
Tell Debbie l won't be in later?
l said l'd do a rent book...
l'm going round Emily's.
Ta-da! Brendan Tyler lives!
Mind out on me floor!
Mayday, mayday, mayday.
Wish me luck, babes.
What's he wearing all that for?
Outside, outside, shoes on me floor!
Oh, right!
Lillian was round this morning.
Frank's asked for some photos
of her...
Can you relax your grip a bit?
Do you want to see why?
Yeah.
Sheila, it's a bit tight.
They reckon it's for the Social.
To add authenticity, Frank says.
Makes you think though, doesn't it?
Made me think anyway, seeing it.
He's never asked me you know, Tony.
That should be me there.
It should be me!
Aggghh, Sheila!
l'm sorry...
lt's just it would be the
happiest day of my life.
Well, maybe you
should talk to Frank about it,
you know, tell him how you feel.
l don't know...
Pop the question yourself.
Oh no.
lt's a man's job to
propose, isn't it?
Eh, minute and a half!
That's a lot better.
OK, you ready?
Ready? Now.
GASPS OF PLEASURE
See? Much better.
Emily, l really wanted to erm..
l found this... l wanted to give it
yer...
For Christ's sake, Carl,
give it a rest will yer!
l weren't doing om!
Sooner you get yourself laid,
sooner l can get a
proper night's sleep!
Whatsername, Jason Digby's
sister, she'll suck anybody om.
Yeah right! Even Jason Digby's
sister's not that fucking desperate.
l weren't doing om!
l erm...wanted to give it yer.
There isn't a video bit.
Just got an upgrade.
Jada might give you a fiver for it.
- It's mine, gimme.
- l want a turn, come on.
You can't just
fucking barge in here..
We're looking for Tom Lawson.
Don't you lot ever talk to each
other? We've sorted it out.
Your son is here, Mrs Lawson?
You're looking at him,
now what's your fucking problem?
- Fuck's that?
- Condition of your bail, Dominic.
Bail...what you on about?
Maybe if you'd turned up
for the hearing.
Don't start on me, you
sanctimonious old twat.
Since the ASBO's failed to
control your son, and he's now been
charged with a crime, the court's
taken the decision to tag him.
You're mental, you are. They keep
them things on for like, months.
Dom'll be back ne_ week.
He's gone to one of them Slawy
countries with his dad,
picking up knock-om DVDs.
Hang on, Ellerby Road.
And?
l'm not allowed - tag'll go om.
What if the tag goes om?
Cops'll get me. l'm supposed to stay
at Emily's so they can check up.
- Dream come true.
- What's that supposed to mean?
You fancy Emily.
Fuck om! Do l fuck!
Lip'll break up with her.
He always does. Or they chuck him.
Bet yer anything. Thing is,
though, a girl like Emily...
Learn to drive before you
set your heart on the Ferrari.
Do you think l need a car?
ln the end right, there's
either chemistry or there isn't.
lt's all to do with the way you
smell - they've tested it on chimps.
Where the fuck are we?
ELECTRONIC TAG BEEPS
Shit!
Frank!
Frank! Sheila! Come over here!
l think you're wanted.
Come over here. Come on, come on.
You all right love?
l've got your money.
Married for 40 years,
never a cross fucking word!
< Sheila...
Sheila.
l don't have my face rubbed in it.
She's not paying me!
lt's got nom to do with you!
No!
Cos l'm nothing, l suppose...
Just your bit on the side!
Course you are!
What? You don't think l'm...
What? Lillian and me...
Fuck om!
Jesus! 20#20 vision, Sheila.
Eh? And l'm in sound mind.
For fuck's sake,
sort yourself out, will yer?
l'm sorry.
Hey. Come on, you know you
shouldn't mix your drinks.
l'm sorry.
l know you'd never be unfaithful.
l trust you with my life.
lt's just all
that being married stum,
having it thrown back in my face.
l know l shouldn't say it, but if l
just had a ring on my finger...
Sheila, love.
You know, fucking hell, you know
there is nothing l would like more
than to call you
Mrs Frank Gallagher.
l don't know, no.
But the... Yeah, yeah,
but no, no, because you're still
married to, you know, Eddie the Owl,
l'm still married to Monica,
plus there's the being dead thing.
We're star-crossed!
The love that dare not speak
its name.
No, l mean l don't blame yer...
AARGHHH!
Does me head in.
There's not a day goes by...
Yeah?
But, you know l love you
to bits, you know that.
Oh, l'm sorry, Frank.
l just thought, you know,
cos you've never asked...
Sheila Jackson,
will you do me the honour
of being my wife?
To have and to hold, for richer
and poorer and all that other shite,
till death do us part...
Yes!
Oh, Frank,
Frank, l love you so much!
l love you so much.
Yeah, yeah, but...
Monica's a mad Catholic bitch,
you know, she'll never let us go...
Let's go and tell everyone!
l'm getting...
The Lord
will sit in judgment, Lillian Tyler!
Early menopause my arse...
What did you omer him, eh?
something he couldn't get at home?
Carol!
The way l'd sumered with
my piles over Veronica!
That was told in confidence!
lt were the 'TOs!
Calm down!
May as well leave it for now, eh?
l can't say l'm overly
impressed with the espresso.
All right, Carl? l've put you
a duvet down in Harley's room.
When do you have to ring in again?
Midnight, then seven.
What's going on? Te_ed Lip
three times this afternoon.
Where the fuck is he?
l haven't seen him for two days.
Dunno. He said he were
coming round here last night.
- Probably got another lass on the go!
- It's not fucking funny!
All right!
l was only having a laugh.
That sensitive.
Always been like that, haven't you?
Must've got it wrong about Lip coming
round. Wasn't really listening.
We really do appreciate this.
Don't we, Emily?
DOOR SLAMS
l can see you looking, Lip.
Don't know why
blokes think you can't!
Sorry. Only...
l thought you were supposed to get
big tits when you've had a baby?
Fuck om! She's on bottles.
Breast-feeding's better.
You do it then. Hurts like fuck.
Not natural, is it?
You can come back and see her.
Just didn't want to wake her up.
Has an eppie every time
l put her in her buggy.
You're all right. l've got to...
l said l'd go see someone.
Oh, yeah?
Still on with Emily Lawson?
lt just, well, suits us both.
We don't talk or om.
To be honest, l think
she finds me a bit boring.
Don't knock her up and all.
Might have learned
me lesson on that one.
The UB6T3. You needed to take
a whole afternoon for that one.
You can see where the biro ran out.
Replaced by the UB96.
Mrs Jackson, l can see
you've kept excellent records.
l'm satisfied everything's
in order at your end.
ls there anything you'd like to ask?
How would notifying you of
a change in my circumstances
amect my eligibility to claim?
lf l were to get married...
(Radio) 'Tony, come in please.
'Domestic at 12 Minton Way.
'Tony, come in please..#
l'll be there in ten, over.
Neighbourhood watch.
ENGINE STARTS
SIREN
CAR SPEEDS AWAY
Don't let Debbie see ya.
She's talking about one bowl
per family member per day.
You bastard!
- This an ambush?
- l saw you with Mandy Maguire...
- So what?
- It's who you've been seeing, innit?
- Seeing, yeah.
- You're a fucking disgrace.
What's it got to do with you?
You're supposed to be
going out with Emily!
The only reason l'm seeing Mandy
is to see my kid.
It's got nothing to do with Emily.
Didn't see ya with a baby today.
Why did you lie
if you're not shagging Mandy?
Why are you keeping it secret
if it's just what you said?
Fuck om!
Hiya.
l've been waiting ages for you.
Thought you could
help me with me maths.
l mean it!
MOANING FROM UPSTAIRS
TURNS UP TV
Dear... Fuck! Erm...
l really wanted to... No, no, no, no.
l erm...
Dear Em...
ALARM
Oh, God! Shit!
Gotta do the tag!
Fuck's sake, let go will yer?
She's ringing the fucking ambulance!
Fuck you do that for?
He knew! l told him, Emily!
No fucking strikes in this house!
You touch another woman,
that's it, you're out!
Didn't have to fucking kill him!
Oh, shit!
He'd never look at another woman.
Then why have we got
crabs in the house?
Someone's been shagging around,
and it's not me.
Yeah, but...
lt's Lip.
Lip's been shagging around.
Fuck's sake... Sheila?
What the fuck's this?
- They've updated all their records.
- You what?
Mr Anastasiou was so helpful. He
said he'd rectify wherever possible.
- Rectify?
- Everything! All your benefits.
And...they're all backdated. Look!
Fucking...
Fucking massive!
Top girl. Fuck me,
pennies from fucking heaven!
l've been on to the registry omice.
They say we have to give them six
weeks notice to post the banns,
but we don't have to have the do there.
That's all right.
l was thinking the Gormley hotel.
They always do such a lovely bumet.
Hang on, rewind.
l'm getting ahead of myself.
Frank, Eddie's agreed to a divorce.
Yeah, but... Last l heard, you
didn't even have an address for him.
Tony gave me a hand.
The DVLC computer.
Eddie's happy to sign
any papers we want.
So that's him, you're alive
and then there's just Monica.
Surely even Monica wouldn't get in
the way of our happiness?
She's a complex character, Monica.
She can't stand in our way, Frank!
SHE CAN'T!
Fucking hell, Sheila! Where's the...
Oh, Frank...
Hang on, Jesus!
Look... Look, l'll get on the
bus and go over there now.
Do it in person.
You know, seize the nettle.
Sheila, love, l'm onto it!
Frank... Frank.
Frank...
All them years!
What's a fucking piece of paper?
You can't just...
Marriage is a solemn state
entered into by a man and a woman.
State, yeah,
yeah, for the fucking state.
Cogs in the fucking wheel.
Plus, the whole thing costs
a fucking mint.
Keeps it all going.
It's an industry.
Classic. ''l do.'' And ''You're fucked.''
And all the talking...
What've you been
saying to our Emily?
Fuck all. l just said
her boyfriend's a scally.
He fucking is, isn't he?
You haven't been using them towels
on the landing?
l had a shower.
l put 'em out for a boil wash.
They're crawling.
You can tell your
brother he's fucking dead.
He can pay for the stum from
the fucking chemist and all.
l'm really sorry, Emily. It's just,
Lip deserves a twatting.
l tried telling him.
You should be with someone who
does stum for yer, gives you
loads of presents and stum.
You're gorgeous.
And l know you understand stum,
about people, cos you feel things,
like what l do.
There's all this stum l could talk
to you about, stum in me head...
Yeah, Carl, can you just fuck om?
Who's he? >
Push om, will yer? And tell Lip
not to bother calling me again.
Hiya.
ALARM
Your brother at home then, Carl?
Troy! Troy!
It weren't Lip, it were Emily!
Troy!
Fuck it! You can't!
Stop! Troy, stop, it weren't him.
lt was Emily with the crabs!
She's a slag.
She's been shagging another lad,
with a car.
You calling my missus's
Iass a slag?
She's a fucking slag!
No, stop it!
What are you doing?
Leave 'em alone!!
Fuck om out of it, love.
l said, ''Leave 'em alone.''
Fuck om, before you get hurt.
It's none of your business!
l'm warning you. If you don't
fuck om, l'm calling me dad.
Who's your dad, love?
Patrick fucking Maguire?
That's right. Mandy Maguire.
Suppose if he's not around,
one of me brothers might be free.
No, no, you're all right.
Sorry.
Sorry, love.
You never learn, do ya!
l didn't do om! Somebody
told him l was shagging around.
- Fucking arsewipe!
- l thought you were shagging Mandy!
Even if l did, l can't believe
you'd land me in the shit like that!
- Makes a change from you doing it!
- Hey, hey, come on.
- He could've fucking killed me!
- l thought you'd given everyone crabs!
What? Lip gave Carl crabs?
BABY CRIES
You must have known. l was just
beginning to worry about my tagine.
They say you can't overcook a braise,
but there are limits.
l thought we'd have
a little celebration.
Tell me if l'm being over the top,
but if you can't be over the top
for a wedding...
l've got my heart set on a croque en
bouche, instead of a fruit cake.
Look, spun sugar all over.
Some people are intimidated
by choux pastry,
but actually it's quite
straightfoM/ard.
(Slurred) She wasn't in.
Monica.
They were both out as it happens.
l see.
lt's all right.
Try again tomorrow, eh?
We've got all the time in the world,
haven't we?
l know, Frank.
l may be stupid, but l'm not blind.
No, yeah, right...
l do know.
To tell you the truth,
if l was you, l'm not
sure l'd want to marry me either.
l thought, just this once...
You know what l'm like.
Had it on my school report once.
''lf Sheila had her head in her books
as much as she does in the clouds,
''she'd be top of the class.''
Never felt like daydreaming.
Just felt like l was
waiting for something.
l never knew what.
Then you came along,
and l knew just like that...
Sorry.
There's a raspberry pannacotta
in the fridge if you've got room.
lt's nicest if you bring
it to room temperature.
l'm a bit shattered.
SOBBING
'Yeah, hello#
Oh, hello Shre... Norma love.
lt's Frank, Frank Gallagher.
'What the fuck...
What did you just call me?'
Don't start!
'What did you call me, you lanky
streak of piss? What do you want?'
Can l have a word with Monica?
'Oh, for fuck's sake#
Here you go, fellas.
No, put your money away.
All drinks are on Frank Gallagher.
lt's real diamonette, unique design.
See how the stones catch the light,
giving it an e_ra dimension?
Did you get it om QVC?
Yes! Frank said
l could take my pick!
lt's gorgeous.
Look.
Fuck me, look at him, will yer?
Bit weird, innit? l mean,
Mum and Dad getting a divorce?
Compared to what? Crop circles?
Dad living with Sheila?
Mum and Norma?
Yeah, l know, but now they're
never gonna get back together.
Hey, did you happen to see
The most beautiful girl
in the world?
And if you did, was she crying?
Normal service has resumed.
Fortunately.
Mum shagged me Uncle Roy at me
Auntie Cath's funeral. l reminded her.
Well, it sort of put it in its place,
me dad shagging Lillian.
lt was like he was retaliating.
We're pulling out. Had a call.
Head omice has costed it out.
We're paying you lot
more than when we started.
My number's on there.
You can, you know,
bring your friend.
What are you expecting,
a pillow fight?
Don't do us any favours,
you spineless little prick.
We're dykes, not fucking wank fodder
for pathetic little twats like you!
Go home to your internet, eh?
Oh, and by the way,
my cock's twice the size of yours!
You tell him. >
CHEERING
Kev.
(Frank) Bonny kiddie.
Takes after her dad.
You know, Phillip...
Phillip...
It's a very special feeling.
Yeah, everyone says that.
No, l don't mean the kiddie, that's
bollocks. l mean it's a very special
feeling you have for
the mother of your children.
l've only got one so far.
Not quite in your league.
Well, whatever happens,
they can't...
take that away from you,
you know, them feelings.
lt's like,
you know, it's in your bones.
lt's like when cancer spreads, and
they give up on the fucking chemo.
Oh, Frank, come and have a dance.
Look at that.
SLOW SONG PLAYS
l love you so much.
(Sheila) 'That night in the Jockey, l felt
like the Queen. ''Sheila Gallagher''.
'Just sounds right, doesn't it?
Like it was meant to be#
Hiya Kev. Long time no see.
Roxy Ball?
She's signed herself Ball!
We are still married, Vee.
You poisonous fucking bitch!
Fucking hell!
Does the sight of my penis
really upset you that much?
How long was she in prison?
Oh, a few years. GBH.
Come on then!
l'll kill the fucking lot of yers!
Starting with her!