Shameless (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Frank's Northern Shuttle Express - full transcript

It's you again?

I'm sick of this, all right?

I'm not telling you what
you missed last week.

Seriously, I'm not doing it. Fuck off.

I'm being deported next month.

I tried to flee up to Canada,

but they stopped me at the border.

200 plus gas and tolls.

I'll get you and your family across.

Hey, Frank, can you do me a favor

and bring me back some Canadian insulin?

It's 50% cheaper up there.

"Need the car to make
money. Thanks, Carl."

Youens got convicted.
Guilty on all counts.

- Shit.
- This is officially stuck.

I know an Irish guy
that does wood stuff.

You want me to see if he's around?

In 72 hours, you will be
free of your addiction.

How much do you need? Can
we do a little ransom sitch?

No, I get to stay.

Fuck.

God damn it, V! No fabric softener

in the girls' jammies.

Quick, Kev, what else?

- What else, what?
- Besides fabric softener,

have I been a bad, bad girl?

I called Margo.

She's got another building
she's willing to lease.

No, fuck off, Fiona. The answer's no.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I... I'm trying to move forward here

and you're acting
like a fuckin' toddler.

I want things to be okay between us.

They are.

I'm fired, but it was 100% worth it

to see the look on that scumbag's face.

- Did we...
- Like, four times.

No. Come on.

Shut up!

Debs, get the fuck out!

Come on, I gotta take a leak!

- What the fuck is going on?
- Well, Debs

has been in there for, like, an hour.

Well, tell her to get
out, Franny's crying.

Yeah, I have been.
Debs, get the fuck out!

And who is ringing the
bell? It's 7:00 a. m.!

Howdy. That's for me. Let's go, Liam.

Time to go to work.

Debs, I gotta take a leak.

- Gimme a minute.
- She's still in there?

Yeah.

All right, that's it. I'm comin' in.

Jesus. I'll get Franny.

Debs.

Shit.

You pregnant again?

Fucking better not be.

Fuck.

Debs, this one says negative.

They all say negative.

How am I supposed to trust any of them.

I haven't gotten my period yet.

Maybe it's just stress, right?

Or maybe the slut candy didn't work.

- What?
- The morning after pill.

I can't afford Franny right now,
never mind another stupid baby.

Negative? Liar!

Hi, got your child to stop cryin'.

I got fired from my job, Fiona.

So don't be giving me shit if I'm late

on my share of the house money.

Well, it's your turn to buy groceries

- and make dinner tonight.
- I know.

Now get out so I can shower.

Hey!

- What happened?
- That!

Shit.

- What's going on?
- What are you doing?

Jesus. Now everyone's in here.

Guess I won't shower today.

Gonna get filthy anyway
cleaning that shitty building

my sister found for homeless kids.

God, Ian. Can't we be past this?

Can you get rid of him?

- Yes.
- You know what?

I'll just shower at
my apartment building.

I'm gonna go to the store to swipe

- some more pregnancy tests.
- No, no, no.

I'm gonna take you
to Planned Parenthood.

We're gonna get a real test. All right?

And you, you gotta
sleep at the bike shop

- from now on, okay?
- Fine.

Hey, I'm going to see one
of those sponsors later.

- Good. It's about fuckin' time.
- All right.

Hey.

Did you watch me pee, pervert?

That's whole lot of pee, babe.

- Hi.
- Who are you?

This is my friend Kassidi.
That's my sister, Fiona.

I'm girlfriend. Check this out.

All Carl's.

- Wow.
- Yeah, I know, right?

Yeah, we gotta bounce. Let's go.

Right. See you later, sis!

Hey.

- You okay?
- Yeah, why?

Carl!

Because of that.

Holy shit.

Team, if I could have your attention.

Thank you for
being here this morning.

I want you to know that just because

you look like terrorists,

doesn't mean you should
be treated like 'em.

Until America can distinguish
between good brown people

and bad brown people,
it's my goal to get you all

safely across the border into Canada.

Shh, shh, shh. Discretion, right?

You can all thank me
later when a big bull moose

is slurping an ice cold Molson

right out of your butthole!

Okay, not an alcohol
and sex kind of a crowd.

I don't even wanna know
what's going on here, Frank.

Entrepreneurship, Fiona.

You all right, Liam?
All right, good. Bye.

Anyhow, my son Liam
will be taking a look

- at your notice to appear...
- Carl, I said no Uber!

That's my car! You can't just take it

whenever you feel like it!

God damn it!

Everybody.

You don't know that, do you?

That would be a good
song for you to learn.

Liam, come here.

I'm gonna go deal with my
business in the front yard.

Get me one illegal from
each banned Muslim country.

- Yes?
- You got it, boss.

Peace out.

- Okay, here we go.
- Hey, Frank.

- How are you?
- Can I get three Advair discs?

You bet. Bobby Junior'll
be breathing easy

- in no time, Grace.
- And it's costing me

half of what it costs down here?

- Yes, sir.
- All right, give me

three months' supply of Januvia,

100 tablets of Diovan,
10075 milligram pills

of Praluent and you might
as well throw in two EpiPens.

Jesus, all that's for you, Lionel?

I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank.

Well, that's why God invented Canada.

Okay, everybody, get your orders in.

Now, I'm giving you all a low, low

special introductory price.

I can't be so generous
with my fees next time.

- You ready, Mauricio?
- Yeah.

Okay, you take a stool
softener with all that Vicodin.

You don't wanna end up
dead on the can like Elvis.

- Yeah.
- All right, who's next?

Found another razor blade.

I'll add it to the collection.

- This place is a dump.
- But we're gonna

- make it look great.
- Don't listen

to Negative Nelly, okay?

He's still mad about the church.

Yeah, 'cause you got
pityfucked by my sister

- with this building.
- Yeah, and she was really good.

I bet. She's great at
getting what she wants

and screwing everyone else.

Hey, Trevor, when do you think
we'll be able to crash here?

As soon as the city approves
our occupancy certificate.

I made a list of everyone
who may need a bed.

Tell me if I forgot anybody.

You can take Jamie off here.

- Why?
- He's living at home I think.

What? Since when?

The other day, he tried to kill himself

after his parents haul him off

to some conversion church or some shit.

Shit.

More scrambled eggs, my king?

Yes.

But this time, feed 'em to me.

Whatever you say, your highness.

Damn it, V!

- Is that too much?
- No, please, keep going.

Not with the fork.
You know how I want you

to feed 'em to me.

I'm sorry, sire.

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

What's taking so long?

I can feel the fetus
growing inside of me

as I sit here.

There's no way I'm letting
anything get in the way

of finishing welding school
and getting a good job.

So you'd get the abortion this time?

Whatever it takes.

How can I be that mom
with three barefoot kids

hangin' off her Walmart cart?

If I have to get that thing scraped out

or go on the pill or get an IUD up in me

or get castrated right afterwards,

- I don't care.
- I think you gotta

grow balls first, Debs.

Shit.

What?

Sierra's dude.

Debbie Gallagher?

About time.

Hey, good luck, Debs.

Don't be pregnant.

It's open.

My family is driving me insane.

- Good morning.
- Every day, I wake up

to screamin' or cryin' or fuckin'

or someone doin' some crazy shit.

There's always strange
people in my house.

I know what you mean.

I can't keep track of who's mad at me.

Or who I'm mad at.

Can't even use my own car.

Are we supposed to feel bad for you.

- Yeah.
- Just move out.

Can't afford to.

Have you ever lived on your own before?

Yes.

No. Not really.

So you're 28 and still living at home?

That's pathetic.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

There's an empty unit you can move into

right downstairs.

- No, I need the money.
- That's just an excuse

people use when they're
afraid to have nice things

- for themselves.
- Okay, that's enough.

We gotta go to the witch doctor.

- Yes.
- The what?

Fertility guy.

- Okay.
- Come by tomorrow.

We're having a few people
over for happy hour.

Finish your coffee and let yourself out.

Bye.

All right. We're on our way, everybody.

Settle back, get comfortable.

How's the goat?

Let's play a little getting to
know each other alphabet game.

We'll go around, we'll say our name,

where we're from and
something that we like.

And I... I'll start off, okay?

My name is Frank.
I'm from the US of A.

And I like apples.

Okay, now it's your turn.

You... you repeat what I said

and then say something about yourself.

My name is Frank, I am from the US of A

and I like Apples.

That's what you say about me.

Say what about you?

My name, where I'm from and what I like.

Your name, where you
are from, what you like.

No. God damn it. Hey, point to me.

Point to me. Now repeat:

You are Frank.

You are Frank.

- You're from the United States.
- You're from the United States.

- You like apples.
- You like apples.

Okay, good. Now, tell us your name,

where you're from and something you like

using the next letter of the alphabet.

- My name is Sameer.
- Yeah. But don't point to me.

Point to you. You. Point...

I am from Yemen

and I like enab.

Enab?

I don't know... okay, but
it's gotta start with a B.

Well, it does. You see, ENAB.

It's gotta begin with a
B. Enab begins with an E.

Not if you read right to left,

like in my country.

Fuck me.

This is gonna be a long 16 hours.

- Hannah Campbell?
- Hey.

So?

Find out the test results tomorrow.

Test cost 20 bucks.

Low income rate, my ass.

How 'bout no income rate?

- I need to get a job.
- Forgot my phone.

I'll be right back.

See, hold up.

Yo. All right,

this isn't what it looks like.

What, like you got some
other girl pregnant?

It happened when Sierra
and I weren't together.

Sierra know?

I haven't had a chance to tell her yet.

It looks like you've had
nine months to tell her.

Things are good with
me and Sierra right now.

I don't wanna blow it.

All right, well, you're gonna blow it

- if you don't tell her.
- I will.

All right, I should get back in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Deb.

Hey, Jamie.

Hey, you guys.

My mom let you in?

No. We waited till she left.

Got you some burgers.

Came by to see how you're feeling.

I've been better.

The drugs are pretty good, though.

You guys like my new wristbands?

Um, do you need anything?

No, I'm... I'm good.

Hey, Geneva said you went
to some conversion church?

My parents found it.

Place over on Garfield.

This pastor turns homos back to normal.

He says I'm so much of a fag

that I need more sessions
to be saved by God.

You don't need to be saved.

Yeah.

Right.

Yay! Well done, well done.

Okay, you're next, goat
lady. Bring it home.

Okay. Your name is
Frank. You are from the U. S.

And you like apple.

You are Sameer and you are from Yemen

and you like enab.

Ali from Iraq likes banam.

And you are Adad from Syria

and you like, samak.

And Rania from Libya likes jabbr.

- Yeah.
- My name is Fatemeh

from Iran and I like juje.

Yes! We did it! We did it, everybody!

I have no idea what
that crap you like is,

but everybody did really well.

It was a fun game, Mr.
Frank who likes apples.

Fuck!

Sorry, I left some tools.

- Okay.
- I still had your keys.

I was gonna leave them on
the counter when I was done

I shoulda called first.

No, that's fine.

I'm dressed. Kinda.

You live in here, now?

No, just takin' a shower.

Thanks for fixin' the door.

Looks great.

Here's your keys.

So, what are you workin' on next?

I'm just going to a
house over on Franklin.

Owner saw some work I did on
a Marion Mahony Griffin house.

A... who?

One of the world's
first female architects.

- Born in Chicago.
- Wow.

You never heard of her.

- No.
- She worked with Frank Lloyd Wright.

I heard of him.

He stole most of her designs.

What a douchebag.

You ever seen any of his buildings?

I don't know. I don't think so.

They're all over the South Side.

Really? I thought there was

just a bunch of crack houses down here.

No. Some amazing historical
buildings in this area.

- Really?
- It's one of the reasons

I moved to Chicago.

Do you wanna see some of them?

Sure.

You like me.

How much?

A lot.

God.

Shit.

Are you doin' this?

My God.

There's someone in the back.

- So?
- Well, what if he sees?

He's got his earbuds in.

Fuck it, go faster.

- Barb?
- Hey. Hi.

- Hey.
- How's it goin', man?

- All right.
- Have a seat.

Thanks. Thanks for...
For meeting me, you know.

- Sure.
- Brad spoke very highly

of you, so.

So I... I didn't know I could
have a woman as a sponsor.

Yeah. Anybody's a sponsor as long as

there is no risk of falling
in love with that person.

Well, you never know, right?

Ha! Fat chance, honey.

So...

What are we doing here?

Well...

I... I got some shit goin' on, you know,

other than Brad falling and I'm kinda

havin' a hard time with it.

And I got this professor,
he got carted off to prison.

Um, then got this ex

who's dating this guy who
got some other girl pregnant.

I'm sorry, did I just walk into

an episode of Gossip Girl?

- What?
- I mean, why should I

care about some bitch,
a guy, a pregnant girl,

- jailbird teacher?
- I'm... I'm sharing, you know.

And what exactly does that
Blake Lively whiney crap

gotta do with you?

It's what I'm going through.

What the hell you talkin' about, man?

You're not going
through any of that crap.

I mean, you have convinced
yourself that you are.

Yeah, so you don't have to

actually look at your own shit.

It's a fucking classic codependence.

All right, what's your problem?

Halfway decent lookin' guy.

I'm assuming you're not
a complete moron, right?

Okay, um...

You know, maybe this
isn't a good match?

Okay, well, you call
me when you're ready

to talk about you.

Are we in Canada?

Not yet.

Now, we walk.

Yes.

What's Canada like, Mr. Frank?

Well, it's wilderness as
far as the eye can see.

Filled with maple trees
that have an endless supply

of magical syrup in their trunks.

I would like to try magical syrup.

You will, Fatemeh. You will also receive

a pound of Canadian
bacon, a pair of ice skates

and a gift card to Tim
Hortons as a welcome gift.

- Wow.
- Wow!

If you thought Lady
Liberty had a lot to offer,

wait till you see what
the lumberjack country

has in store for you.

Health care for all,
marriage equality for gays,

legal hookers for the asking.

I think I will enjoy Canada.

The Canucks can be a boring people,

but every now and again,
Mother Canada spits out

a halfway decent talent
like Bill Shatner,

Celine Dion, um, Pamela Anderson,

Justin Bieber.

I would like to meet Justin Bieber.

Anything's possible.

That's why Canada's called
The New Land of the Free.

Damn it, Svet. I just
put new ice in that.

- Kevin, come clean this up.
- I got it.

No.

- What?
- You broke the glass,

you clean up the ice.

This is something you always do.

Exactly. So now it's your turn.

This is a man's job.

I don't think you're hearing me.

I'm not cleaning out the ice.

The ice will not be cleaned out by me.

You broke the glass.
This is 50% your bar.

I've done the shit
work 100% of the time.

That means you owe me a bunch of times

to clean out the ice.

So go replace it before a customer

gets glass in his drink,
cuts his throat open,

sues the bar, shuts us
down and then your ass

is back out on the streets.

I'm doing my lemons.

- That was so hot.
- I don't know what came over me.

You're in fullon domination mode.

Yeah. Something in me just snapped.

I'm tired of her controlling us.

You're making me so hot.

I'm making myself so hot.

This is one of my favorite
buildings in the city.

- This place?
- One of the first

residential highrise
buildings ever built.

No shit. I've walked past
here a thousand times.

Built as luxury apartments
for the Chicago Exhibition

in the '30s.

I know a guy who got his
face shot off in here.

Arched windows. It's Romanesque revival.

Look at the ornamental cornice.

I would look at it if I
knew what a cornice was.

Up the top, there.

Come here.

See all that extraordinary
masonry work and detail?

It's remarkable.

You mean the little ribbon things?

It's polychromatic brick façade
on top of beautiful stone.

- Looks kinda like a castle.
- Yeah.

This is the Frank Lloyd Wright thing?

Built for the Robie family.

And the planters are supposed
to break the inside out

so it divides.

And we're under a bridge.

And now everyday places...

Leviticus 20:13 says, "If
a man also lie with mankind"

as he lieth with a woman, both of them

"have committed an abomination."

Praise the Lord.

But we are here today

to give sweet Tammy a
chance to redeem herself

in the eyes of the Lord and
return back to her flock.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

Matthew 18 says we
must confront the sinner

and give him a chance to repent.

So, I ask you in front of your family,

Tammy, do you want to be cured of

the homosexuality disease and go back

to being a normal girl again?

Yes.

Jesus.

Do you want God back
in your life, Tammy?

I do.

He can't hear you, Tammy.

Do you want God back in your life?

Yes! Yes.

Then let us now close our eyes
and raise our palms to Tammy

so that we may light the path

for this lost lamb to find her way back

to the kingdom of heaven
where she can become

the beautiful, feminine
woman with long hair

that she was put on this Earth to be.

Amen.

I'm gonna beat the
fuck out of this guy.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Romans, chapter 128.

Fatemeh!

Fatemeh, are you okay?

- Can I have your goat?
- What happened?

She fainted.

This walk was too much for her!

When are we going to get to Canada?

Yeah.

Calm down, she needs air.

Man was not meant to hike in a burka.

Wow. She's kind of pretty.

Yeah. I thought she
was a 70yearold woman.

What happened?

Where am I?

On your way to freedom.

Here you go.

- Yeah, thank you.
- May I, please?

- Yes.
- Here, I get.

Yalla, buddy.

Okay, now I'll do
some without my helmet.

What?

How does my hair look?

I don't know. Red?

Just take the pictures.

What do you need these for?

I'm trying to get some
freelance welding work.

Abortions aren't cheap,
Liam. Remember that

when some skank tells
you she's on the pill.

You're pregnant?

I don't know yet.

Do I look sexy enough?

I guess.

These are great.

I look super hot.

Gonna put an ad on craigslist.

"Sexy welder girl looking for work."

No job too big or too small.

Take some more with cleavage.

Hey.

- You okay?
- No.

Men are fucking assholes.

I'm...

Yeah, I'm sure you
guys can figure it out.

- What?
- I mean, it was probably

just an accident.

He murdered my mother.

Whwho are you talking about?

My father. What'd you think.

Your father killed...

You never told me.

His parole hearing's down
at Pontiac Correctional

first thing in the morning.

Charlie and I are driving
down there tonight,

but he's an hour late.

They let my father out,
I'm moving to Mexico.

- Hey, hey...
- You're late.

I'm sorry.

Yo. You didn't tell
her anything, did you?

No.

All right, but you got a
long drive ahead of you.

There's plenty of time for you to do it.

There she is.

This is the place you're restoring?

Yep. And I get to stay here

while I'm doing it.

- It's beautiful.
- Traditional Craftsman.

Built in 1923. Greene
and Greene were influenced

by the English Arts and Crafts movement.

You comin'?

Okay.

- There she is.
- Canada?

The freedom falls.

She sits on the border and keeps guard

over both countries.

Enough love in her
cascading waters to embrace

both of her children, the
United States and Canada.

- Let's go to Canada!
- We made it?

We are here!

- We made it!
- Freedom falls!

Freedom falls!

- Yalla, come on!
- I think I can take it

- from here, Mr. Frank.
- Yes.

Yalla!

- You okay, yes?
- Much good.

- Gimme that.
- What are you doin'?

This place is kinda sketch?

Next.

- Hi.
- Paperwork.

Forgot to sign the declaration of need.

Here you go.

"By signing this form,
I declare that I am"

in need of emergency
food and that my income

"is below the poverty level."

It's kinda humiliating, don't you think?

- Thank you.
- I haven't been

to a food bank in a while,

do you have rotisserie chicken?

Next.

- Here you are.
- What is this stuff?

Beans, cheese and oatmeal.

What am I supposed to make with it?

Use your imagination. Sir?

Paperwork.

I love all of the stained glass.

Yeah, they're typical of these places.

It's what they call
Arts and Crafts houses.

- Cool.
- Come here, I wanna

show you somethin'.

Sit.

You won't be disappointed.

Okay.

Look up.

My God.

That is awesome.

What is that made with?

Hand painted with gold leaf.

It's brilliant?

Yeah, it is.

You're not kissing me back.

I'm sorry.

No.

I'm sorry, I... I
thought you were single.

- I didn't see a ring.
- I am single.

My gaydar's usually better.

I'm not gay.

Wow.

I didn't mean to give
you the wrong impression.

You asked me to lie on a bed with you.

Right. To look at the ceiling.

I'm sorry.

No, no worries, I...

- I'm not looking for anything...
- No, I got it.

Complicated.

Complicated?

Your family and everything. You.

Me?

You're complicated.

Okay.

- Didn't mean it as an insult.
- No, I mean...

Being called complicated feels...

awesome.

I'm gonna go.

- I'll drive you back.
- No, it's okay.

I'll just, Uber.

Thanks for showing me around.

Thank you.

Good luck, my friend. Good luck.

Your name is Frank.

You are from the US of A,

- and you like apples.
- I knew you had it in you.

- Only took you 16 hours.
- Thank you, my friend.

Good luck, good luck.

Goodbye, soon to be
Mrs. Justin Bieber.

Shukraan.

Easy, easy.

I owe you seven mile piggyback ride.

I'm gonna hold you to it, goat lady.

Thank you.

There you go. I got it.

Let me help you with
the goat. Come on, boy.

To you, buddy.

This thing's heavy.

Good luck to you.

Shalom, my friends.

That's all of 'em, Pierre.

I drop them to the safe house

and swing back and take
you to the pharmacy.

Merci beaucoup, amigo.

Gonna miss those brown bunnies.

Hey, Deb, did you get your period yet?

No.

Smells disgusting.

It's free. Eat it.

There's no way that's real cheese.

Carl doesn't like this, sis.

- Sis?
- I'm gonna Postmates.

KFC for him, who's in?

- Me, sis.
- Thanks, sis.

- Thanks, babe.
- Eat it or don't eat it,

I don't care. It counts as

my groceries for the week.

KFC will be here in 20 minutes.

- You rock.
- No, you do..

Hell yeah!

I just got a welding job for tomorrow!

"Sexy welder girl"?

Gotta go with your assets.

- Do we have a Bible?
- A bible?

Yeah, the good book.

I doubt it.

Hey, can you believe that
this guy today told me

I was complicated?

Yes.

Are you serious? How?

Well, you married that
guy after, like, a week.

And you cheated on him with
your car thief exboyfriend.

Who had several different names.

Almost married a heroin addict.

Hid my meth inside our
dead mother's casket.

Didn't you also get fired from a job

for fucking your boss' brother?

- Yeah!
- Testified against me

to the military, fired
me, stole my church.

Wow, you found a Bible?

Okay, I get it. I'm complicated.

I'm gonna go walk my dog now.

Well, I can keep going.

Fuck you guys.

At least Rusty loves me.

This poor child couldn't help himself

once the devil got inside of him.

Psalm 101:3 says,

"I will not look with approval
on anything that is vile.

I hate what faithless people
do. I will have no part of it."

Romans 13:810 says, "Let no debt"

remain outstanding,
except the continuing debt

to love one another,
for whoever loves others

"has fulfilled the law."

What is your name?

Ian...

- Gallagher.
- Are you a homosexual, Ian?

Indeed, I am.

Would you like to come up to the altar

and bring Jesus back into your life?

No. I'm... I'm good.

See, I already got Jesus in my life.

Corinthians 6:910 clearly states,

"Neither the sexually immoral nor"

male prostitutes nor homosexuals

"will inherit the kingdom of God."

- Amen.
- Really?

'Cause Colossians 3:1113 says,

"Here there is no Jew or
Gentile, barbarian, Scythian,"

slave nor free, but Christ

"is all, and is in all."

Corinthians 6:1720, "Flee
from sexual immorality."

All the sins a person commits
are outside of the body,

"but whoever sins sexually,
sins against their own body."

Galatians 5:14, "For the entire law"

is fulfilled in keeping the command:

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

The lust of the flesh
comes not from the father,

- but from the world.
- Woe to you,

teachers of law and
Pharisees, you hypocrites.

You don't actually think you can win

a Bible quoting contest with me.

He does.

Are you the queer boyfriend?

No, I'm queer transgender

exboyfriend, actually.

But we'll probably
start banging again soon.

Hey, any of you queers
sick of this bullshit

wanna get out of here?

We got this brick
building over on Ashland.

It's the one with all
the gay rainbow flags.

- I'll go.
- Lewis.

Get back here.

Lewis! Get back here.

You wanna fight? I'll fight you,

but you're gonna get your ass kicked by

a homosexual.

Let's go.

Fags, this way!

No!

Steven you get over here, right now.

- Lip?
- Yeah, yeah. Hey.

- Hey.
- Thanks for meeting me.

Yeah, sure. You got it.

How long you been sober, kid?

About a year.

- All right. Good for you.
- Thanks.

The food decent in this dump?

Yeah, it's not bad.

You buyin'?

- Okay.
- Great.

Okay.

Hey, so, it's cool if I talk about

my exgirlfriend a little bit?

You know, I got some
shit goin' on with her

and I guess I kinda wanna share.

- Fuck yeah.
- Yeah?

You wanna talk about
exes, let me tell you about

the miserable cuntbag
of an ex that gave me

a cock suckin' venereal disease.

Women can't be trusted.

They're all assholes or whores.

I think I'll have the cherry pie.

I'm all right.

There you are, sweetheart.

Thank you for waiting.

Come on. Seriously?

Someone swiped my fuckin' keys again!

Carl!

No, I have to be serious
about my job right now.

I was just gonna hold your hand.

Okay.

Actually, do you mind putting
both hands on the wheel, please?

Yes, sure. Of course, ma'am.

Um, I'm sorry. He's not your boyfriend.

You don't get to tell him what to do.

This guy is the best
driver I have ever met.

He could operate this
thing with no hands

and just his dick and
get you there safely.

You can let me off right here.

But both hands are on
the wheel now, ma'am.

Let me out. This chick is psycho.

What the hell? You can't
be pissing people off.

Jesus. Sorry.

Who the fuck are you?

Where's Denny?

We use Igor now.

Bullshit we use Igor now.

We've been using my buddy
Denny as the beer guy

since Stan was alive.

If he was such a good buddy of yours,

you would've noticed
that I got rid of him

a year ago, and we use Igor now.

Well, as of this moment,
we're using Denny again.

Beat it, Igor.

I said beat it, Igor.

I'm... I'm gonna go.

What the hell did you just do?

You saw what I just did,

so why the fuck are you asking me?

Meet you inside.

My man calls. Here's
your little psychopath.

Can you watch my daughter a second?

Hell yeah!

It's about time.

You were awesome.

What? What are you talking about?

Going at it with that pastor.

What... wait, what? How do you know?

It's on YouTube.

It's already got, like, 1,000 hits.

Seriously?

Thanks, man.

Yeah, no... no problem.

So what now?

I guess I gotta find
you guys a place to stay.

Guys wanna help me out?

Come on.

Thank you for meeting with me, Ernest.

I wanted to talk to you about
maybe being my new sponsor.

Haven't had much luck finding one.

I seem to upset people when
I bring up my exgirlfriend,

but, that's what's going on with me.

You know, that's... that's
what I want to talk about.

Are you okay?

Ernest, your, um...
Your head is buzzing.

Sorry?

Okay.

Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna be right back.

You don't go anywhere.

All right? You stay here.

Hey, how'd the thing with your dad go?

They don't decide right away.

I gotta go punch in.

- You tell her yet?
- It wasn't the right time.

When's the right time gonna be?

It's none of your goddamn business.

No, fuck this, how 'bout
I fucking tell her then?

The fuck you will, man.

You guys are fighting?

I'm worried that my deadbeat father's

gonna be released from jail,

and come after me or Neil or Lucas,

and you're starting
shit with Charlie again?

Stay out of my life and
focus on your own shit, Lip.

- Where you going?
- Home.

I thought you hated it there.

Changed my mind!

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow?

You're just gonna let me go back home?

No, but I thought you wanted to.

Yeah, because you don't love me anymore.

When did I say that?

When you yelled at me for trying to

hold your hand in the car.

I didn't yell at you for
trying to hold my hand.

I yelled at you because
you scared a customer off.

You're yelling at me right now!

Because you're being crazy.

Where are you going?

I don't know!

My God, fucking headache.

Are you breaking up with me?

What? No.

Can we just go back inside please?

Okay.

You made it!

- Hi.
- Hello.

I thought you were just having a
few friends over for Happy Hour.

- We're pregnant.
- My God!

My God, that's awesome.

- Thank you.
- Here.

- Thanks.
- My God.

- Hi, Fiona.
- Hi!

- Hi.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you, honey, thank you.
- Hi...

- Hi, wow.
- Hi.

Happy Mel! Not used to that.

Babies make me giddy.

So which one of you did
the fertility treatment?

- Me.
- Except we're both pregnant.

Wait, what?

- Yeah.
- Shit.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

How is that possible?

I'll give you a hint.

Wait, you had sex?

Like, dick sex?

It was the one and only time,

and it was awful.

Why did you do it then?

Increase our odds.

We couldn't afford IVF
for both of us, so...

Yeah, and she drew the short straw.

And I fucking lost my lesbian gold star.

Whose dick was it?

Ford's!

Ilrish Ford?

- Yes.
- He's the father?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, for both of us.

Get the fuck out of here.

I know, yeah.

And our kids are gonna
look just like that.

Is that... that's one of Ford's?

Yeah.

Jesus, how many does this guy have?

Two others besides him.

He's the lesbian spunk of choice.

Yeah, dude has primo sperm.

- Ookay.
- Yeah.

That's good to know.

And there he is, the man of the hour.

- Whoo! Whoowhoo.
- Baby daddy!

Congratulations, Daddy.

Thanks.

Have him put a baby in you, too, Fiona.

Yeah, then we can all be
fat and pregnant together.

- Five kids?
- Yeah.

It's getting a little out of hand.

Well, at least you get
some action out of it.

It was humiliating.

She was hammered,
laughing the whole time.

Now who's complicated?

Cheers.

Six hundred bucks from the Muslims,

750 off the meds.

Not bad for a couple of hard days' work.

Where's my cut?

Here you go.

We are on our way to
financial independence, son.

Twenty bucks?

We finally found a family business

that uses our Godgiven talents.

- How about 50?
- And, Liam, listen to me.

It's true what they say:

With a lot of hard work
and a little bit of luck,

you can make something
of yourself in America.

And we owe all of our
success to one person.

- Who's that?
- The TwittererinChief.

To false fear.

Fucking codependent?

Couldn't stay away from me, could ya?

Well, compared to everybody
else, you're not so bad.

Jesus, already falling in love with me.

Look, um...

I don't know what to talk about.

You know, if I'm not talking
about someone else's drama.

General rule of thumb:

Their circus, their monkeys.

Just talk about yourself.

Yeah, I don't know what that looks like.

It's okay.

Old Barb'll drag it
out of you soon enough.

So if you're gonna be my sponsor,

then we gotta meet at places like this?

Try some Green Goddess.

The fuck is in this?

Where's the Sonic?

Sold it... time to
expand our business, son.

Let's get 'em loaded in.

- Come on, folks, welcome.
- This way.

Welcome, welcome.

We have a 16hour journey ahead of us.

I'll help you.

We'll play a little
gettoknowyou game

as soon as you're
comfortably settled in.

Boom.

What about the way I put that
beer guy in his place?

That was hot, the way
you put Svetlana in her place.

I feel like I'm finally
getting my balls back from her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah!
- They're really turning me on.

Sounds like you're getting

pushed out of the picture, Natasha.