Shameless (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - Icarus Fell and Rusty Ate Him - full transcript

For fuck's sake. What
were you doing last week

that was so important
you missed the episode?

Well, here it is.

Unless you wanna watch us.

Fuck off.

Yeah, fuck off.

I was at Betty Ford three times.

It didn't work for me.

You cleaned me up in five days.

NoraJean's folks are
gonna give you $2,500

for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.

I'm ready to go back to who I was...

An upstanding citizen.

I believe in second chances.

Welcome to Lumber Lawn and
Lighting, Mr. Gallagher.

What?

My stupid dad just walked in.

- You want to get out of here?
- Yeah, sure.

Joplin, here we come.

Farhad doesn't want any E,

so he said he'll drive first.

You might want to think
about finding that new sponsor now.

Hey, your kid needs you.

Check for the church.
It's a down payment.

- Who are you?
- The youth shelter.

Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor?

And I'm over feeling guilty
for wanting to better myself.

I promised those kids
that church, Fiona.

Find another fuckin' church!

I mean, it's incredibly unfair.

What pisses me off most

is that Ian knows I'm
not against a shelter

for those kids.

I love screwdrivers.

It's just...

not in my backyard.

There. I fuckin' said it,
and I didn't catch on fire.

The thing is, when you're
screwing something hard...

It's not like I'm some rich jerkoff

who's worried that his
view is gonna be spoiled

by a bunch of homeless people.

It's just satisfying.

Are you even listening to me complain?

No.

But you are his sister.

You think he'd be on your side.

Right. It's my own family.

If I screw up this apartment
building investment,

I'm gonna be the one
living in a shelter.

I've put everything I've got into this.

Blood, sweat...!

Fuck.

- Is that Mrs. Cardinal?
- Did she ever pay?

No. I gave her a week three weeks ago.

All I've heard since is a bark.

Mrs. Cardinal?

No more fake dog barking.

There's a water leak coming
from your apartment.

I have to come in.

I'm coming in.

Mrs. Cardinal?

Jesus, that smell.

God.

Mrs. Cardinal!

God!

Pfff.

This is a fire hazard.

And...

all sorts of other hazards.

God, I can feel
diseases crawling up my legs.

Hi.

There really is a dog.

Hi.

Fuck!

No. No, no, no.

Fuck.

God, no.

No.

No, no, no.

No, don't do that.

My God.

Fuck!

Hey there, sweetie.

Aren't you the cutest little thing?

Are you the cutest little thing?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

- Hey, Ness.
- She okay?

No, Mrs. Cardinal's dead.

Gosh.

Yeah, probably for a few days.

- That's terrible.
- Yeah.

This little love bunny... you
just need some love, don't you?

Don't you? Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

Ness, there's... there's something
you should probably know

about that dog.

What?

You're up with the sun, my son.

I had to drop Fiona off at her building

so I could use her car to fake Uber.

Did you feed the junkie?

Yeah. She said she was cured
and wanted to go home.

That's what they all say.

You water her after school for me?

I should get more.

Junkies are nasty.

Son, addiction is a disease.

Try not to judge the
afflicted by the curse.

- Shit.
- What's wrong?

I asked the Academy
if they'd help me out

or anything, you know?

But they turned me down flat.

Damn Comanche gets a full
ride, and I don't get a cent.

Difficult to begrudge
a little restitution

for our Native American brothers.

How much more you need?

After the junkie downstairs,
I'll still be $4,227 short

for this first semester.

What if I give you $5,000 to kill Fiona?

Murder's a capital crime, Ian.

I'd do it for ten.

You should be doing it
as a public service.

And what, pray tell, is this?

That is a letter, Frank.

I beg to differ.

It is, in fact, my invitation
to the middle class.

My first nonfraudulent credit card.

I am officially in the club.

Somebody at the credit card
company is losing their job.

Au contraire.

I'm as reliable as rain in Seattle.

In fact, you are looking
at Employee of the Month.

I'm getting my photograph
taken for the Wall of Fame.

- I gotta make money.
- Yo, drop me off at Patsy's?

Five bucks.

You're heading that direction anyway.

So?

It's quite an honor.

Only freaks at my school
get Student of the Month.

That's different.

I was sort of hoping he'd
show up at the meeting.

Shit, he could be dead for all we know.

You try the police?

Yeah. Nothing.

Last bender, he disappeared
for three weeks.

Jesus, three weeks?

- Hey.
- He's not at the shop.

Hasn't been there.

You try Cami?

Yeah, she's not picking up.

Yeah.

I never should've gone
back to work for him.

He was sober for so
long, I thought maybe

he had his shit together this time.

He's a drunk. Drunks drink.

It's a setback. People have setbacks.

All addicts are narcissists.

I don't even know what that means,

but if it means asshole, I agree.

- What are we gonna do?
- What do you mean?

Wwe can't just sit here, right?

The guy's selfdestructing.

He's on his own.

No.

No, I don't... I don't accept that.

What you do or don't accept

doesn't have anything to do with it.

All right, well, I'm gonna look for him.

II mean, maybe he's at Cami's.

Not likely.

She tossed his ass out.

Maybe his fuckin' battery ran out.

Okay? Maybe he's sleeping
it off somewhere.

Who knows?

I'll find him.

Come on.

- I need your help.
- Me?

Yeah, who'd be better at
finding a drunk than you?

No, no, no. You cannot come yet.

Not yet.

Now you may come.

When you do as you're told,

you get rewards.

Frank, are we poor?

No. You saw my new credit
card this morning.

We're on the climb, son.

Frank Gallagher is ascendant!

Then why do we walk to school
when everyone else drives?

Well, we're more dedicated to
the survival of the planet,

reducing carbon emissions.

Besides, walking's good exercise.

So we are poor.

Relatively, yes.

'K. See ya.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Don't.

It's just...

You know.

I thought I'd seen your
orgasm face before,

but that...

I've never seen that before.

Like a whole body freakout.

It was good.

Is that why you guys have me go first?

So you can get me out of the way?

So you can have your
exclusive girl party?

You're my man. You know that.

It's not a man that you want.

You came like your head
was gonna explode.

I have great orgasms
with you, too, babe.

All the orgasms that
you've ever had by me...

Thethethe swing set,

the alley behind the Safeway...

You never once had a spasgasm.

She's a woman.

She knows a woman's body.

Well, great, V.

If a woman knows a woman's
body so much better,

maybe I should start doing guys,

since they know guys' bodies better.

Maybe then I can have a spasgasm.

- You're not gay.
- You don't know that!

You don't know that. I might be.

I might be gay. Partgay.

Okay. Go ahead. Suck a dick.

Maybe I will. Maybe I
will go suck a dick.

I could be all genderliquid like you.

- You don't know.
- You mean gender fluid?

Fluids, liquids, whatever.

Fair's fair, right?

You get to be with another girl, fine.

Well, I'm gonna be with a man.

We'll see how okay you are with
it when you peek in the shower

and you see me coming all over some guy

who isn't you, and you weren't invited.

I'd like to peek in shower when
you come all over a man, too.

No! No!

You're not invited, and neither are you.

When I do gay shit, it is just for me.

I gotta go to work.

You two just...

lick each other like cats all day

while I'm gone.

Best idea he's ever had.

Four times this
morning is enough.

Four?

So what do I do now?

You guys contact next of kin?

Yes, ma'am. If we can locate any.

I'm sorry, I... I don't
have any information.

It's not unusual.

I only saw her a couple times.

Nobody visited.

She was pretty much a shutin.

So...

what about all this?

Technically, it goes to her heirs.

If any turn up.

If you do turn something up,

an address book, anything,

give me a call.

Thanks. Sure.

Kind of a cute dog.

Yeah. Not so sure after what I saw.

I called animal control.
They'll be by to pick him up.

What'll happen to him?

They put 'em down once
they've eaten human flesh.

- Jesus.
- Good luck.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Rusty?

Gotta stay here, buddy. Okay?

Stay here and wait for the executioner.

Sorry your friend is dead.

- Morning, Kev.
- Mornin'.

What can I get you?

Can I get a coffee, two sugars,

and a bran muffin, please?

- What's up?
- Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure. Shoot.

How did you know you were gay?

Were you, like, straight,

and then started experimenting

and just decided that you
liked being gay more?

I... guess I just kinda knew.

So you were always positive
that you were into dudes more?

I... no, I guess not really.

You know when you're younger,

everyone tells you that you're

supposed to be into girls.

So I, I kinda went

through this weird phase in fifth grade

where I was really into

this chick Carrie Yazel,

but I'm pretty sure it's
just 'cause she was the one

who looked most like a dude.

It wasn't until...

Until what?

Justin Timberlake.

Yeah.

- He's hot.
- Yep.

Are you attracted to me?

- No.
- Why not?

I'm not hot?

Yeah. But I mean...

Ian, soy latte no foam, extra hot.

Two sugars and a muffin.

Yours is paid for.

The guy at the end of the counter.

I gotta run.

You buy my muffin?

Yeah.

Are you hitting on me?

Excuse me?

Are you trying to fuck me?

Nnno.

No, I j... I just... I, no.

'Cause it's not a... It's not
a bad thing if you were.

I'm not offended.

And I'm not saying no.

I'm... I'm sorry. I
didn't mean it like that.

Um, once a week, I... I
try and do a good deed.

- So...
- So you're not hitting on me?

No. No. No, no.

It was totally random.

I really... I hope you're not offended,

because, you know, I... I just...

You're a goodlooking dude
and everything, I'm just...

No, I'm straight, so.

Okay. Thanks.

Yeah. Sure.

Have a nice day.

Is that code?

For what? No.

No, it's not code for anything.

It just means "have a nice day."

Right.

Okay, sorry.

No. Okay.

Have a nice day.

The fuck?

If you do find him,
don't bring him back.

Unless he's sober.

He used up all nine of his lives.

Brad's been a rock for us.

And we want to return the favor.

Would you mind?

I'll get the tea.

It's so nice having somebody to talk to.

We waited four years...

Four years...

To have a baby,

hoping Brad could handle it.

Thank you.

And the second we do,
he goes off the wagon.

Listen, Cami, you should be pissed,

of course, but it's a disease,

you know, and he's fighting it.

I can't be worried about two babies.

I have to be worried about where
the next paycheck is coming from

and then feeding that one!

You're a natural.

I think it was all him.

There you go. There you go.

Hey there.

I know.

Sorry.

I love Brad.

Sober Brad.

If he wants to kill himself...

he has to leave us out of it.

Cami.

Any chance you can track
Brad on your phone?

My God.

Hey. Did we?

Like four times.

Did we use any...

Well, I did try to pull
out the first time.

No. Damn it!

- No!
- What's wrong?

- I'm pregnant!
- What?

You can't know already.

Hi, good morning, Franny.

Hi.

Ooh..

I do know. I can feel it.

I'm ovulating.

My boobs are already twice as big.

My God, I can feel your
sperm attacking my egg!

God.

I am not gonna make the
same mistake twice.

No, Franny, you're not a mistake.

That's not what I mean.

Okay, I'm gonna go to the pharmacy.

I need to get the morning after pill.

Can you watch Franny and
give me your car keys?

What's the big hurry?

What's the big hurry?!

I've got less than 67 hours...

To swallow that pill.

Or else I'm going to have
to make the same decision

that led me to have Franny,

whom I love more than
anything in the world,

but if that little seed plants itself,

I'm not for sure certain that
I can get it scraped out!

And I've already got my
hands pretty goddamn full,

so do not tell me to chill the fuck out!

Thank you. I'll be back.

- Um...
- What?!

Actually, we did it Thursday, too.

Fuck!

Really?

It's three bucks, Frank.

Cash is obsolete and dirty.

Who the hell gave you a credit card?

I love shopping from the
convenience of my own home.

Look at that.

Got sameday delivery.

What the hell could you
possibly need the same day

besides more booze?

You know, that's a miracle
when you think about it.

By pressing "buy,"

I put an entire world in motion

to meet my personal needs.

I am no longer fettered
by the necessity to visit

stinky malls and rub shoulders
with the great unwashed.

Here we go.

Voila. Bring it to me.

- What are you getting?
- I already guessed booze.

An automobile.

Emphasis on "auto."

You bought a car online?!

No money down, no payments
for three months.

It's practically free.

You see, this is what it's like

to be in the inner circle.

To be one of the "haves."

Shit.

I wonder if I should have gotten
the airconditioned seats?

For my tushy.

Excuse me?

May I help you, miss?

Hi. I can't find the morning after pill.

Yes, we keep those
behind the counter.

Could I get one? Do you sell loosies?

Yes, ma'am, that would
be $46.87 plus tax...

if I had any more.

What do you mean?

I am fresh out. Sorry.

People stock up on the weekends,

especially since the casino opened.

Goddamn it.

Shit.

Fat lot of help you are,

sittin' here.

Come on, Fiona, just get through it.

Really?

May I help you?

Yes, hi. I called in an order
for the morning after pill.

No, you didn't.

It's not by prescription.

Yes, I...

please?

$65 and your ID, please.

Yes, thank you.

Sorry, you have to be 17 in
Missouri to buy the pill.

What?

No. I'm almost 17.

That's ridiculous.

If I'm not 17, I have
to have another baby?

That doesn't even make any sense.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

God. Fuckin' Missouri.

That's his truck.

The hell is that
sticking out of the truck?

I think it's Michael Jordan's arm.

United Center?

You got to be fucking kidding me.

Apparently he looted a bakery.

Okay. Shit's now getting dark.

What are we gonna find next, a body?

Why do you even care about this dude?

He's a psycho.

Done worse.

It's extensions, see?

So? What does that even mean?

It's like a goddamn puzzle.

It means he's a drunk.

Come on, help me get the arm.

Why?

'Cause if Bulls fans
find it in Brad's truck,

they're gonna skin him alive.

Come on.

What the hell are
you gonna do with it?

It weighs like 1,000 pounds.

Yeah, I know.

Excuse me, ma'am? Would
you please help me?

I made a mistake and I'm trying
to take responsibility for it.

I had a little bit too much to drink,

and I didn't use any protection.

Would you be so kind as to buy
me the morning after pill?

- Of course.
- Really?

I really appreciate that.

Thank you.

Sisters gotta stick together.

Have you guys ever experimented?

Like in chemistry class?

- I took shop.
- Me too.

No, not a chemistry experiment.

But, like, you know...

sexually?

No.

Nope.

You mean like rolling her over?

No. Forget it.

Jesus!

Who died?

Gotta look sharp for my Employee
of the Month portrait session.

Just another rung up the ladder, boys.

Dress for the job you want,
not for the job you have.

- Hey.
- Hi, Franny.

Good morning. How are you? It's Mommy.

I'll be back in just a few minutes.

Sweetie.

I know someday you may
want a brother or sister,

but... right now I need to make sure

I can finish welding school
so I can get a sweet job

and we can get a house,

a yard, and a swing set...

how about that? Wouldn't that be fun?

But right now if I had another baby,

that would be a really big disaster.

Hey, did you get it?

Hey!

Where's my pill?!

No fucking way!

Give me back my money!

Get off of me!

You slut!

Mama.

Damn.

Hey.

You are so beautiful.

Thanks.

You know what I just realized?

Is something wrong?

If I were gay, I would be all over you.

You're gorgeous, and I
already love you, but...

I'm just not interested in your vagina.

And that tells me that
I'm not a lesbian.

Simple logic.

Does this have anything to
do with the Russian invasion

of your pussoir again?

There's something about that
angry bitch that gets me off

even when I want to stab her
with a rusty carving knife.

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

You like it when she bosses you around.

I do not like it. It pisses me off.

Well, it doesn't piss off your vagina.

V, you like to be dominated.

Dominated? Have you met me?

I brought you the schedule.

Melody can't do Wednesdays
'cause of her mom's chemo,

and Sierra can't do Saturday mornings

'cause of Lucas's Tball,

so switch those and they're good.

This is the most fucked
up place I've ever seen.

So the old lady died?

Her name was Helen.

Her husband got killed in Vietnam.

Look.

She was pregnant.

See?

It was a little girl.

They got married just down the block

right before he shipped out.

May 12th, 1972.

New Covenant Baptist Church.

I mean, that could be me, V.

An old lady, dying alone.

Nothing but purple
clothes in the closet.

Nope.

You're not gettin' rid of me.

And I will never let you wear purple.

Quit screwing around and
clean this shit out.

Dominated? Really?

Do you have a better explanation?

The lesson here

is that in America,

if you keep your head
down and work hard,

you will be rewarded.

Come on up.

Does it have Bluetooth?

Crank it.

Let's ride.

- Whore!
- Redneck!

- Baby killer!
- Fuckin' thief!

How would you like it if somebody
scraped you of their vagina?!

I would be fuckin' fine with it...

How would you like that?!

Because it would mean I'd never
met a stupid cunt like you

who thinks she knows what to do
with other people's uteruses!

One of these bitches better
make bail before dark

or it's gonna be a long damn night.

If you want to experiment,

you should do so with
experienced teacher.

Yeah, maybe, but I just
don't feel very gay.

Man, woman... What
difference does it make

if you get pleasure?

A cock is nothing more
than a deformed clitoris.

I don't have very good gaydar.

I wouldn't know where to look.

Do not look past the
trees to the forest.

What the hell does that mean?

Is that some Russian
proverb or something?

'Cause it's very confusing
and not helping.

What?

Don Wessel's kid?

He was first team allcity
linebacker a few years ago.

My God.

Grandma said she was crazy, but...

wow.

Hi. I'm Fiona.

Are you her daughter?

No, I'm her niece.

Her daughter's been dead for years.

I was Helen's landlady.

Sylvie. The police called.

I'm her only relative, I guess.

You didn't know her?

No. Not really.

This is awful.

Yeah. She was alone
here for a long time.

Except for this little guy.

She hadn't spoken to
the family for years.

Any idea why?

Her and Grandma fought about something.

Strange?

Whole life, no forgiveness.

Yeah, that's a shame.

So I'm the lucky heir to all of this?

Lucky you.

I'll leave you to look through it all.

It just looks like a bunch of garbage.

Well, I did find a few photos...

I'm gonna call my husband.
Bring in some reinforcements.

Okay.

You gotta stay here, okay?

Animal control is gonna
come for her dog.

Hi, thanks for calling.

I'm not able to answer
my phone right now.

Son...

What say we pick up some hos?

Apparently civilization has reached

a new low water mark, Dominique.

Last night, a vandal severed
the arm of Michael Jordan.

That's right, Chicago's greatest
hero has been mutilated,

no doubt by some crazed Celtics fan.

Hey.

You remember a guy that might've

accidentally taken these?

I remember drunk assholes.

There was more than one asshole?

He and his girlfriend
were in here all night.

His girlfriend?

Said they wanted maple bars.

I didn't have maple bars,
so they went crazy.

I wasn't gonna fight some drunk
over some doughnuts, you know?

- Right, yeah.
- Then they come back.

Said he felt bad.

Gives me $2 while Little Miss ShitFaced

says she has to pee, only
she goes in the wrong door.

So I tell him, "Your
girlfriend's in the back."

Next thing I hear,

they're screaming like animals,

and he's running out the
door with her hair.

What happened to the girl?

Jesus.

Hey.

Are you okay?

Shit.

Fuckin' Brad.

Those extensions cost me $300.

Cami's not gonna take
him back. He's gone.

You don't know that.

You're fooling yourself.
You can't save everybody.

I'm not trying to save everybody,

I'm trying to help my friend.

This is the way the world is, Lip.

- You live long enough...
- You need to walk away.

- All right?
- His sobriety is not yours.

This codependent shit's
gonna drag you down, too.

What, like I'm not already down?

Like my life isn't a
complete fucking waste?

Look, if Brad can't make it,

how am I supposed to?

You think you're so smart,
you old drunk prick?

How the fuck am I supposed
to make it if Brad can't?!

Leave.

You got no faith?

That's on you.

But I'm doing this.

Listen, um...

you have any idea where Brad is?

Hi.

Got a minute?

Not really.

We're shorthanded today. Sue's out.

Ian... I don't want us to fight anymore.

Who's fighting?

You do know that I didn't realize

it was your shelter, right?

What difference does that make?

I just want to put it behind us.

Do what you gotta do.

Hey. We're family.

Come on, there's nothing
more important than that.

There is to you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Money.

That is so unfair.

If I had known that it was
you trying to buy it,

I would've come to you
first to talk about it.

Still would've made the same mistake.

So what?

- I didn't make a mistake.
- Right.

Because what's good for
Fiona can't be a mistake.

You're wrong.

Bunch of kids with nothing
just needed a place to sleep.

But you getting rich is
more important than that.

- Getting rich?
- Yeah.

I'm barely scraping by!

I've been cleaning a dead body
out of an apartment all day!

Your moral compass is
seriously fucked up.

Moral compass?

I've been working my ass off
trying to make a life for myself

and you turn on me?

For what? A bunch of strangers?

Why should I sacrifice
everything I worked for

just so they can move
into that building?

Because they're helpless,
and you're not!

That's bullshit.

They have just as much of
a chance as I ever had.

The fuck... I'm not
gonna apologize to you

or anybody else for
trying to better myself.

Better all of us.

I don't know who you are anymore.

You should really shave, you know that?

Dinner...

is served.

Nice cock.

It'll look even better in your mouth.

It's no clitoris.

And it's big in a way that's
hard for me to accept.

I appreciate the Yelp review.

Now could you get started?

I don't even have a hardon.

- Bullshit.
- Dude, I swear.

That's impossible.

No, I got nothin'.

No way. It... look at me.

Look at both of us.
We're like Greek gods.

Let me see.

Dude, are you even gay?

No. Apparently not.

Hi.

Hey.

We'll have this place
cleaned out in a few hours.

Great. Thanks.

I don't suppose there's a
cleaning deposit on it?

No. Sorry.

There were, um...

I put a few of her photos

right on top of that
little table right there.

I didn't see 'em.

You know, we just don't have
room for all of this junk.

Yeah. Of course.

It's closed. Let's go.

I'm gonna take a walk around the block.

You know this guy isn't worth it, right?

Just take a minute.

Hey.

Brad!

Come on.

Hey.

No.

I g... I gotta...

II wrecked her hair.

I'm waitin' for Wynona.

Yeah, all right, let's just
wait in the car, okay?

Come here.

Whwhat the fuck are you doing?

- I'm taking you home.
- No.

- No, I...
- Easy.

Easy, easy, easy. Easy. Come on.

Just get... all right?

Get in the car, all right?

No. No!

II said leave me alone!

Asshole.

Look, I'm not leaving you, all right?

I'm taking you...

Ffff...

fuck.

Aah!

Argh!

That's the one that eats human flesh?

Come on, is that necessary?

I've been bit by big and small.

Hurts every time.

I tried, okay?

But I'm not even part gay.

I'm just a boring hetero dude.

So go ahead, you and Svet
can have your spasgasms.

I'll just be here on the
couch, jerking off.

Well, it was brave of you to try.

The truth is, I just wanted
to make you jealous.

Like I am.

You don't have to be jealous, babe.

I think Fiona helped me realize

what her real power is over me.

It's not the vagina.

What could be more
powerful than a vagina?

It's her bitchiness.

It's not women. It's being dominated.

Well, great.

Maybe I could do that for you.

You?

Sure.

Why not?

What could I do? Just tell me.

Give me some ideas.

I'll try anything you ask.
I'm yours to command.

Just tell me... how to dominate you.

I think you're missing the point, babe.

All right, I'll go.

I'll be right back

and boss you around, okay?

Who let me be a father?

That kid is so screwed
having me as an old man.

Everyone's old man is an asshole.

You're not special.

Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli.

I can't go back.

I can't face Cami.

They're better off without me.

Drink your coffee.

I just don't have it, man.

I don't have the strength.

Let me go. Just...

let me go.

Look at me.

You think you're such a fuckup?

You got everything, man.

Everything that matters, you've got.

You think that was an accident?

You built that family.

Right? You built that business.

Hard work. Recovery every day.

You have a life. You have
people that love you.

'Cause you deserve it.

So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch.

Drink your coffee.

And then you're gonna start over.

I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.

Yeah. I think you
might've broke one, too.

Good, asshole. I owe you.

Hey. Hey, turn that up.

And the search

for the most hated man
in Chicago continues,

as the fate of the Michael
Jordan statue's arm

remains a mystery.

Somebody cut off the arm of
the Michael Jordan statue?

What kind of asshole would
do something like that?

No.

No way.

It's just 'cause I... I
love him so much, man.

What did I do with it?

Because, you know...

II'll be burned at the
stake if people find out.

It's taken care of.

Lady?

What?

- Do you have any kids?
- No.

You didn't want any?

I can't.

Sorry.

Go to hell.

There's a gay guy, a black dude,

and a terrorist with a
baby here to bail you out.

Let your baby live!

- Hi, Franny!
- There's your mommy.

Thank you.

There you go.

You're the best, Frank.

And congratulations on
Employee of the Month.

Can't imagine why it took so long.

Frank Gallagher?

Chuck Hartley.

From corporate.

A pleasure to meet one of the elite.

Can we talk for a minute
in Mr. Singh's office?

Sure.

Go to the loading dock.

Go to the loading dock, please.

Adeeb's not joining us?

I'ml'm sorry to say no.

Um...

Mr. Singh was let go yesterday.

Chuck, if I may, this
is not easy for me.

Adeeb was a dear friend
as well as a colleague.

He took a chance on me.

In a way, he gave me a new life.

He was firstrate, all right.

So you can understand that...

though I am flattered...

and yes, ready to step into his place,

I do it with a heavy heart.

I'd thought it would be a
while before I replaced him.

Frank...

you have the wrong idea.

Is that so?

Well, if this is a...

a move to corporate...

I'm here to let you go, too.

What?

Today is your last day.

II don't understand.

I'm Employee of the Month.
What did I do wrong?

My gosh. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

You were the model employee.

Corporate is shutting down the store.

Half the stores in the
country, actually.

See, the Internet gutted us,

like a... an alien popping
out of our stomachs

and eating our brains.

I'm working my way across the country

like the Angel of Death.

And once I finish burying Spokane,

there'll only be one man left to fire.

Who's that?

Myself.

I wish you luck, my friend.

Thank you, Chuck.

But men like us... We land on our feet.

We're diligent, dependable, honest.

We got gumption, cando spirit.

Temporary setback at best.

Right.

Dang it! We're running out of time!

I got this.

I'll get the pills.

Allah 'akbar!

Seriously?!

Allah 'akbar!

Allah!

Come on, let's go!

Can I have the morning
after pill, please?

What do you think?

What do you think?

Not a chance, pal.

Ladies and gentlemen, do
you believe in miracles?

Because the city of Chicago woke to find

the lost dunking arm of Michael Jordan

has reappeared,

now planted at Ping Tom Park...

Or as the citizens of
Chicago are demanding,

"His Airness Memorial Park."

MJ's arm reaches majestically

and eternally to the heavens.

What could be more fitting?

John, back to you.