Shameless (2011–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - The (Mis)Education of Liam Fergus Beircheart Gallagher - full transcript
Frank makes contacts from Liam's school, Ian tries to buy the church and fight with Fiona.
Oh, it's you again? What's your problem?
You can't remember what
happened last week?
Jesus.
Kev's family are fucking rednecks.
I shot a deer! I get
to take home the head!
Sign over the bar to
me, and I'll tell them
this was all just a big mistake.
I keep two thirds of bar.
One third.
- What's all that shit?
- My welding gear.
What the hell's it for?
Future.
We don't have enough fathers in our PTA.
I'll wash cars with my son Liam.
Best way to teach him the
value of hard labor.
You're hanging around to try and weasel
your way back into my life.
Do not use these kids to do it.
All right, what can I
do to make it right?
Help me find some legit housing
that isn't your bedroom.
I can do that.
You know the woman who owns this place
dropped out of high school
and now she owns, like,
half the South Side
and a whole neighborhood
in Indianapolis?
This sober sex thing, man,
it's-it's not working for me.
Yeah, I need some fucking pussy!
- Think you could hit me a little less?
- Shut the fuck up.
Messing with a veteran
is a serious violation.
I'm gonna need some bait.
Ow! What the fuck?
What the fuck?
I see you found the
little treat I left you.
Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son.
I understand why you did what you did,
but you stole from a veteran, homey.
It's a crime against America.
Actions have consequences.
Oh! Fuck. Ah!
You're a shitty little lady, aren't you?
What?
- Say it.
- I'd prefer not to.
- Say it, bitch!
- Oh!
- Fuck, I'm a shitty little lady!
- Yeah!
Damn it! Oh! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Shit!
Oh!
Should we help him?
It sounds voluntary.
Eat up, son. Gotta stay sharp
to ace that test of yours today.
Make me look like a good
papa for the pieces.
The what?
The pieces of derriere at Liam's school.
I've moved into my 40s.
Men in their 40s soar in their career
and bang the parents at
their kids' schools.
Most of those moms haven't
been boned properly
since their junior year abroad.
You can tell by the way
they twitch when they walk.
Ew! Smells like puke!
Day four of detox.
Be happy it isn't diarrhea.
Panic attacks are next.
Hey! Did I tell you kids?
I got another promotion.
Assistant manager in the garden shop.
So what's the plan with
the dude in the basement?
I'll set him free when I feel like
he can contribute to society again.
- Isn't that kidnapping?
- Public service.
Hey. Can someone watch Franny tonight?
I've got a study group
for my exam tomorrow.
- I will.
- Hey, Debs, your old man
got another promotion. I...
Hey. Hey, Franny.
See you at the shop, runt.
Yeah. Ah...
Hey, you know you got a
little scratch on your...
Hey, piss off, huh?
Lip, you hear about your old man?
- Things are looking up...
- Hey, where's Fi?
I need to borrow her car,
make a pickup for the shop.
I think she's at her building.
- Come on, Cadet.
- Hey, Cadet Corporal, brother.
Is no one here interested in the
upward mobility of their father?
I am.
That's my boy. Go get your backpack.
You got some academic ass to kick today,
and I've got pieces to penetrate.
What are you up to today?
Uh, Trevor and me are having
lunch with this rich old dude.
I'm gonna see if we can get some cash
for a new place for
Trevor's at-risk kids.
I'm bringing the South Side cred.
Still trying to get
in that dude's pants?
Well...
he does good things for kids in need.
Pretty much the best person I know.
Plus, he's great in the sack.
- How about you?
- I gotta call the school,
see why my fall enrollment
packet hasn't shown up yet.
Gotta register soon.
You ready? Attention!
Double time, move!
Left, left,
left, right, left!
Cadet Corporal, halt!
Hold in place.
In cadence. Move!
It's about time we jazzed up the joint.
I bugged that prick Ryan for a year.
I'm like, "Bro, buy a couple shrubs,
and raise the profile of
the hood, why don't you?"
"Raise the profile?" I thought we were
just trying to make things look nice
so I can keep jacking up the rents.
You say "tomato"...
Now I just gotta figure out
how to stop these junkies
from smashing the windows
every couple months
and pissing in the alley.
Well...
you could install a
cheap security camera
or set fire to the church squat,
though you may not have to.
It's for sale.
Someone's selling that dump?
Yep. Sign just went up.
Maybe they'll finally kick
the junkies out of there.
Huh.
That's my boss' company.
Who do you think she'll sell to?
Somebody with an imagination.
Where is ledger, for checks?
I took care of it.
I would like to see it, please.
I know how to cut a damn check
for a damn liquor distributor.
There were three errors last time
and cost bar $300.
It's unacceptable.
Are you standing here telling me I
don't know how to run my business?
I'm standing here telling
you that your math is shit.
Hold up.
Are these the stubs for our paychecks?
- Yes.
- You cut two checks.
There's three of us.
We all make same amount. It's 50/50.
We own two thirds of the bar.
We should be making a
third of the profit each,
- not half.
- I work longer shifts.
I do all the paperwork. I
call when plumbing goes bad.
Excuse me, you do not get to decide
how much Kev and I earn.
You work eight hours together.
I work eight hours alone.
So 50/50.
- Morning, Francis.
- Hey, Bev.
Are you going to the PTA meeting later?
I wouldn't miss it.
You work at Lumber Lawn and Lighting?
Associate manager of
the garden department.
I handle plants, fertilizer, tools...
Nice.
How are you with a trowel?
I'm very, very handy.
I'm also quite adept at handling bulbs
of all sizes.
You should come by.
I just might.
She's into me.
She knows a renegade when she sees one.
Also, she thinks I'm teachable.
Women love a long-term project,
especially when it involves
the improvement of a man.
Now get in there.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks.
I ran past that church
you were talking about.
It could be a great spot for a shelter.
Place is huge.
It's got this whole extra
part in the back, like,
rooms where the priests lived.
The listings didn't
have any interior pics,
but the lady on the phone said she
was having trouble selling it.
You could probably grab a couple
kids, fix it up for cheap.
We have tea with my donor later.
I'm hoping you're gonna shower first.
You gonna come with?
I'll meet you there. Just don't be late.
# Gonna jump in the Cadillac #
# We'll put some miles on it #
# Anything you want, yeah #
# Just to get a smile on you #
# Anything you want it,
anything you want it #
# Oh, and I'm gonna give
it to you, Franny #
- What's up with you?
- What do you mean?
You're always singing
and smiling and bouncing around.
I've got a beautiful daughter,
decent job, great grades,
a rad group of friends,
and I'm hot as fuck,
and tomorrow, once I pass
my arc welding exam,
I'll be one step closer to
getting my certification.
Gonna be able to land a job
that pulls real money.
Where is the peanut butter?
Over there.
Hello, sir.
It's Cadet Corporal Carl Gallagher, sir.
6612, C Company.
I haven't received my
enrollment packet yet.
My grant money has been
credited against that?
Yes, sir?
Comanche, sir.
I understand.
They gave my Indian scholarship
to another student.
Why?
He's 50% Comanche.
Fucking Comanche!
Tuition's 24 Gs.
I need 12 Gs by August first.
That's in, like, three weeks.
Supposed to have my own
single dorm this year,
be first in line in the commissary,
get my underwear washed
and my shirts ironed
by the plebes.
That sucks.
Anything I can do to help?
You got 12 Gs?
Nope. Good luck.
I don't need luck.
I have will.
I'm a fucking cadet corporal.
You know what makes a man?
Discipline.
Conviction.
Strength of character.
Deciding against all odds
you alone define your destiny.
You decide what you want
and find a way to get it.
I want to be able to
see my face in these
by the end of the day.
Well, these are impressive
numbers, Gallagher.
You really got this place humming.
Thanks.
So you're selling the
church over on 86th?
Yeah, I was looking to develop
the whole block, but...
I can't get it, uh, rezoned
to increase the density,
so now it's a liability,
'cause one of those
dopeheads ODs in there,
then they're gonna sue my ass.
You got any offers yet?
A shelter is looking to lease it.
A shelter?
Well, won't that be
hard on property values?
My building's only two blocks away.
Well, the only other interest
is from these two brothers
who were looking for an art gallery,
but they found another space,
and I can't say as I blame them,
'cause that church is a hellhole.
Well, you could fix it up.
You should buy it.
Well, how much is it?
Two hundred grand,
and it'll be worth twice
that in three years.
Nah, I-I can't-I can't swing that.
Well, I gotta unload it soon,
before they declare it a goddamn
historic landmark, so...
Diet Coke, please.
Light on the ice.
I swear, that commie bitch
is gon' drive me to murder.
I can't believe you have
to work with her again.
Oh, it's awful, and
Kev's driving me nuts,
trying to compete with the Russians
by going full-on Kentucky fried redneck.
Losing my damn mind.
Hey. Bring this to Margo?
Yo, can I get my old job back?
I need money for military school.
Comanche bastard took
my scholarship money.
Shit. Can you get it back?
I don't think so.
Well, I can lend you the
money, if you need.
No.
Third principle of military leadership,
seek responsibility and
take responsibility.
I need to earn my own
way back into school.
Okay.
I already got someone on dishes.
Please. I'll do anything.
I'll empty and clean the grease trap.
No! Ugh.
You won't be able to shake
the smell for days.
Really?
All right, but you gotta wait
till the lunch rush dies down.
I can't have customers around for that.
Soo-ee!
Shift change.
Russian hour is over.
It's Kentucky time.
Everybody who isn't a
red-blooded American,
please exit the premises.
_
_
_
_
Where's everybody going?
Holy shit.
Like, 60 Russians just walked out.
Gotta figure out how to
get my people in here.
You know there's a difference
between Southern and Western?
There's a learning curve, Kermit.
Does this mean no more
Ukrainian fist bumps?
No what?
Shot of vodka and a bump of coke,
for Russian hour.
She's a fucking pinko genius.
Hey.
Got a little human stuck to you.
Had to get Miles out of the house
so Cami could get some sleep.
Kid looks good on you.
I'm a fucking dad.
Didn't think I'd live
past 25. Now look at me.
Yeah, you look like shit.
I had three hours of sleep last night.
Two the night before.
I've eaten nothing but
frozen veggie burritos.
Jesus...
You, uh... you wanna
hit a meeting with us later?
No, I gotta head back.
Cami's parents are flying in.
Place is a fucking mess.
Look, I didn't have a chance
to sign the employee checks
before the baby came.
Can you, uh, grab them from the shop
and swing by my place later?
- Yeah, sure.
- They're on my desk.
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you guys.
- Yeah, you too.
- Later.
- Wow! That looks great.
- It's really cool.
You can check the
camera with your phone.
So some, uh, shelter
wants to rent out the
church, it turns out.
- Fuck.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Like, homeless people and shit?
No one else was interested?
An art gallery was for,
like, half a second.
Mel does PR for the Art Institute.
She can find out who they were,
why they changed their mind,
if they'd reconsider.
Little reminder, your girlfriend
and I don't get along.
Well, try harder.
Grow a cock, gain 40 pounds.
I gotta run some errands. Later.
Go.
You got this.
Hey.
Hey, hang on.
Hey, I gotta ask you a favor.
Uh, the church squat is for sale.
Some artist brothers were
interested in it for a gallery,
but they bailed.
I was hoping you could find out why.
You're really nice when
you need something.
A little sweetie pie.
Are you gonna help me or not?
I want you to grovel,
just a little bit.
Go on.
Please.
Please what?
Please find out why the
artist brothers bailed.
And now apologize for being a mega-cunt.
I apologize.
For?
For being a...
mega-cunt.
Let me think about it.
Nope.
Uh, and it's been a challenge
to find affordable housing.
The hoods where the kids would
have the chance to flourish...
They're just out of our price range,
but, um, we found a potential place
in a transitional neighborhood.
Um...
Um, so I'm from the South Side...
How much?
Uh, it's five grand a month to lease,
with a five-grand deposit.
It's a church. It's huge.
I wanna acknowledge, uh, how much
you've already given us, Mr. Fleet...
Quinton, please.
Well, you're our primary benefactor,
and you're the reason we're
able to help so many.
Ten grand, up front?
In cash?
That would be great.
I'll have my wife's assistant
wire you the money.
You're welcome.
Yeah, thanks.
I feel like I know you from somewhere.
I get around.
Oh.
Hi.
You the agent for the church on 86th?
I'm sorry. I'm late for a showing.
I own a-an apartment
building around the corner.
Why haven't you been able to
get a decent tenant in there?
We have someone lined up to lease.
A homeless shelter. I heard.
Churches are tough. People
are afraid they'll be
haunted by ghosts of sadistic nuns
and abused altar boys.
So reach out to some businesses.
I have,
and that property's a disaster.
So fix it up.
Uh, it's a-it's a big
space at a great price
in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
Someone decent is gonna want to buy it.
It's impossible to heat,
the whole exterior needs renovation,
there's no AC, half the
windows are broken,
the plumbing is from the '50s,
and it's now home, sweet home,
to a small village of drug addicts.
You want a better class
of tenants in there?
You go clean it up.
- Hey. What's going on, man?
- Hi.
There you go.
Hey, man, sorry about the mess.
Oh, no, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
This is Cami, my fianc?e.
Hi, how you doing?
Excuse the boob.
I have a nursing cover somewhere, but...
too tired to get it.
Ah, it's no problem.
I've been around babies
and boobs a lot, so...
Thanks for coming over, man.
I don't know my ass from my head.
Ah, it's all good. Um... but look, uh,
the guy with the Lexus and the goatee
called about his Harley.
Oh, shit.
I never got a chance to look at it.
Look, uh, could you check
the, uh, tension belt
and the fuel hose,
replace the brake pads?
Yeah, yeah, it's no problem, man.
Cool.
You wanna hold him?
Yeah.
He's just about done.
Just use the sanitizer.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Mm-hmm. Oh, I know.
You wanna say hi?
Hey, gorgeous. I got you.
I got you.
I got you. Man, hey!
Wow, look at that tiny nose!
Huh?
Listen, I-I think you need to get
an interim sponsor.
That's all right. I'll wait.
No, you-you won't.
Look, if you lose your shit at 2 a.m.
And you need someone to talk
to, that guy can't be me.
I mean, not for a while, you know?
Some of these guys have
been sober longer than me.
All of them are superior humans.
I warned them you might be calling.
Take it.
Mr. Gallagher, a word.
Liam failed his exam today.
He only got two out of
ten questions correct.
I didn't understand the questions.
What kind of questions are we talking?
Basic word association.
"Jennifer blanked the glue
and finished her project."
The choices were "applied,"
"kicked," or "sliced."
Liam scribbled them out
and wrote "sniffed."
Well, technically, it works.
What else you got?
"The front door is to the foyer
as the back door is to..."
The choices were "sidewalk,"
"kitchen," "street."
He wrote "penis."
How the hell would he
know what a foyer is?
What are we, the Rockefellers?
These questions are standardized
across the private school curriculum...
To favor the students who
understand the references.
This is cultural bias.
You'll put his face on your brochure,
but you ignore his background.
I understand your concerns,
Mr. Gallagher...
Great.
What are you gonna do about them?
V, do you know Southerners
have 80 different ways
of saying "I did not know that"?
Listen.
"Well, slap my ass and call me Sally."
"Well, sit on my face
and call me Bernard."
Who's Bernard?
Your mounted deer head came.
Oh!
Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
His eyes... so soulful,
like he's begging me not to shoot him.
I don't want that thing in my house.
No, no, no, no. This is for
Kentucky time at the bar,
but I think I went overboard
with my background.
It's less cowboy and more hick.
Or hillbilly. Bumpkin? I
have so much to learn.
- Kev...
- Colored greens, for example.
Are they multicolored or just green?
Or is the colored part
just, like, racism?
I understand that you're
going through something,
and I support you,
but if this goes on for
longer than a week,
I'ma slap the redneck right off you.
Whoa, what's got you all bowed up?
Still pissed off from this morning.
Found out you-know-who
is trying to cheat us
out of our money by splitting
the Alibi's earnings down the middle.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
She gets half, she gives us half.
Well, she does do a shit-ton
more for the bar than us.
What gives her the right to
make those kinds of decisions?
I told her we should each get a third.
V, you gotta get over it.
She never apologized for
what she did to us,
- not once.
- V, this isn't healthy.
You're madder than a
hornet in a Coke can.
Yeah, Coke can.
I seriously cannot stop.
Yeah, and that look he gave me
when I said he was familiar.
Yeah, it was kind of skeevy.
Oh, holy shit.
What?
Ah, The Fairy Tail. He's the guy
who always asks for blow jobs
in the handicapped stall
'cause he grabs the railing for support.
- No!
- Yeah. I didn't recognize him,
'cause he always pulls his turtleneck
up over his face when he comes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Wow. Well, maybe that's why
he was so quick to give us the cash.
I should've asked for more.
Mm.
Yo.
What're you doing?
Fiona's paying me to make the gang tags
seem more artistic.
Says that it's gonna raise
the profile of the hood.
Oh, holy fuck, what is that smell?
It's like rotten, rancid eggs.
Grease trap. No time to shower.
All right.
Hey, this place could definitely work.
I'll call the realtor tomorrow.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey!
Yo, cleaning up the joint?
Yeah. Got the last of the needles.
Now folks can walk around
without contracting hepatitis.
Oh, sweet.
You, uh... Do you want to grab a bite?
I'm craving some teriyaki beef.
Yeah, sure. I'm starving.
You ever hear of a safe word?
Yeah. How about "stop"?
That's good. I'll, uh...
I'll try that next time.
You gonna stick around?
Yeah. Brad's left all this work.
I gotta pick up his slack.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. How's he doing?
Uh, he's tired. Overwhelmed.
You know, he's a dad.
Man, that baby, though.
Yeah.
You ever wonder if, uh,
couples all making families and stuff,
they know something you don't?
If I want a kid, I'll get
one of my gay besties
to jack off in a cup for me.
Yeah, but I mean with a partner.
No. Do you?
Sometimes.
I don't know.
You know it's okay to not want that too.
Don't know where everyone got the idea
you gotta be yoked and
breeding by 30 to feel normal.
Maybe your normal is just different.
Yeah.
Okay, next round. Let's
see some more questions.
- Do this.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Lightning round, While flame cutting,
the preheat flame should be...
- Neutral!
- Yes.
What is the width of a cut called?
Kerf!
The maximum safe working pressure?
- 15 psi!
- 15 pounds per square inch!
"Square wave" refers to...
The shape of the output power!
Ah, shit, right.
- Ah, damn, you are good.
- And we're gonna ace this shit.
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Hey, are we still, uh,
driving your car to Joplin
after exam tomorrow to celebrate?
Oh, fuck yeah. I'll bring the E.
- Mm...
- Debs, you down?
- I don't know, guys.
- Come on.
You've earned some chill time.
I've never been without
Franny for more than a day.
She has her abuela, right?
She'll-she'll be fine.
I'll think about it.
You're such a good mom, man.
Fucking love that kid so goddamn much.
Fucking murder someone for that kid.
Do you think Monica
would do that for me?
No fucking way.
My mom's a piece of shit too.
- Mine too.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em!
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck them.
Tomorrow morning, we have meeting.
About what? We can do it now.
Empty. Not good.
I have date now. We talk tomorrow.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
The fuck is that smell?
Grease trap at Patsy's.
Come on, Liam, let's get
you upstairs to bed.
That stink could kill brain cells. God.
Hey.
Thanks for all your help today.
I'd hug you, but...
you fucking reek.
So, uh, can we talk money?
Sure. What do I owe you?
So to hit my down payment
by August first,
I need to be making $4,666 per week.
Brings us to $703.
Call it an even $700.
I was thinking more like $150.
'Cause that's all I got.
Thanks.
Need $516 by sunrise to hit my quota...
divided by eight hours, no sleep.
That's $64 an hour.
How much do you think
an Uber driver makes
during the night shift?
Ugh! Ugh.
Go on, talk about the smell.
It's like the gaping
anus of death itself.
Oh.
I know I can't help them all,
but if I can put a roof over, like,
three of their heads...
I don't know.
One small break could
change their lives.
It's the shit that keeps me up at night.
So, um...
I should probably get going.
I just want to say thank
you for all your help.
Um, I don't know. It's kind of...
Record time.
You caught me off guard.
Sorry.
No problem.
Good night, son.
You get the light?
Read to me.
Why would I do that?
Other kids' parents
read to them at night.
Oh.
Right, that's a...
that's a thing.
Uh...
"The victorious strategist seeks battle
after the victory has been won,
while he who is destined to defeat
first fights and seeks
victory afterwards."
Hmm.
Are we at war?
Yes, we are, son.
You're, um...
probably a little young for this,
but I'm gonna plant a seed here.
Those rich, white, liberal
parents at your school
were once radicals.
Rebels.
Renegades.
At some point, they fell in step
with societal expectations
and became robots.
So when they look at us,
loudmouthed,
antiestablishment,
unafraid to confront
the power structures,
they feel alive.
So...
we gotta take advantage of that.
Right?
Right.
I did what I could to
clean up the outside,
but can I grab the keys from you?
I was hoping to take some pictures,
reach out to some local businesses.
Thanks, Margo.
Anybody want to buy a church?
Saint Francis?
I'm no saint.
My delusions of grandeur
have faded as I've entered my 40s.
Mm. You're in your 40s now?
God, my head...
What time is it?
Time to pound some Advil and Gatorade,
like a good little drunkard.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be...
Coffee? Toast?
Mm. Please.
Thanks.
Come on, Liam. Another day of combat
for social justice.
Anyone seen my car keys?
"Need the car to make money.
Thanks. Carl."
- You call for an Uber?
- You Kendrick?
- I'm Carl. Where you going?
- No, thank you.
I charge ten bucks less than
whatever you were gonna pay.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for opening. I
thought I'd be here in time.
Ah, it's no problem.
Yeah, you clean out the black brake dust
after you took out the old pads?
Yeah, last night.
Great.
You find an interim sponsor?
No, not yet.
You gotta have a sponsor
in the first year and...
I'm not gonna be...
Did you use carb cleaner on this?
Yeah. Was I not supposed to?
Goddamn it, Lip!
Brake cleaner, brush, and the air gun.
Okay, I'm sorry, man.
Okay. Yeah. Whatever.
Christ.
Miles just shat all over
himself at the park.
I forgot to put more
diapers in the diaper bag.
Sometimes I want to bash
that baby's head in
with a tiny hammer.
One hour of sleep last night!
This is how they get people
to confess at Gitmo.
Domestic bliss, am I right?
Hey there, associate manager
of the garden department.
Aha!
Hey, hand me that little
spade over there...
Ah, heck, you know what?
Never mind, forget it.
I'm already covered in dirt.
Mrs. Seery told us about Liam's test.
The parents have assembled a committee
to eliminate cultural bias
in standardized testing.
We're petitioning Congress to support
the Every Student Succeeds Act,
and we're instituting a round table
to open each exam question
to multiple interpretations
based on ethnic and
economic considerations.
It's an excellent start,
and I'm happy to lead the charge,
although sometimes I feel like
our journey is this big
and a committee is this big.
Your hands...
filthy.
Some employees like to wear gloves.
I prefer the sensation of my bare hands
in the moist soil.
Wish I could get laid
someplace comfortable,
like with a bed or...
Show me your hands again.
Oh!
Your fingernails are so dirty!
Ah!
Now tell me how much you made last year,
without taxes.
I don't know.
Two grand, maybe,
and I don't pay taxes.
Ah!
Okay. First,
I want an apology
from you to us.
Second, I want the three of us
to sit down, figure out exactly...
- Come here.
- What we...
Look at something.
I was talking.
Come.
During my shift,
I bring in this number.
During your shift
and Kevin's shift, combined,
you bring in this number.
Which is bigger?
Yours.
By how much?
Three times.
I want percentage of the profits.
Not when you're making that
profit off illegal shit.
What the hell you thinking,
selling drugs in my bar?
If we get busted, the
whole place goes down,
not just the third you own.
Fine.
I get rid of the drugs.
Only if you agree to fuck me.
What did you just say?
Mm-mm.
No.
That ship has sailed.
I deserve more money.
You both know it.
I will put it in writing,
and I will still fuck you.
Holy shit.
Is this real?
Trevor's meeting with the
realtor as we speak.
Oh, my God.
Dude, it's enormous!
There's rooms in the back
where the priests live.
So if you're good, you
can have first pick.
Damn. You're like magic or some shit.
Gotta fix it up first, but...
I love it.
Oh.
Fist bump.
Hey. Go! Come on!
Come on, come on.
Oof.
Weirdoes.
What a palace.
Grab a trash bag or take a hike.
Found the gallery dudes
you were talking about.
They're these painters called
the Toussaint brothers.
They want a raw multiuse
space to exhibit their work
and for educational outreach
and artist residencies.
Super into supporting the community.
They do "urban" work.
That's graffiti.
It's street art.
They just did a show at the Institute.
They're hot shit.
So what'd they say about the church?
They drove by it, said
it was too much work,
too far south, too ghetto.
But they still haven't
closed on the other space.
I guess there's another
bidder who's interested.
Well, if I can clean it up a little,
you think they'd take another look?
I have no idea.
Ask them. Here's their contact info.
Why are you doing this?
I make 35 grand a year
at my nonprofit PR gig.
I'm not interested in some
yuppie bakery moving in
and charging me $12 for
a fucking vegan muffin.
You're welcome.
Hey, I'm gonna go do a
pickup at the paint shop.
I'll be back in a bit, all right?
Okay.
Svetlana tried to use sex on me
at the bar to get her way.
And?
It worked.
That bitch!
- Did she go down on you?
- Yes!
- Did she do that thing with her tongue?
- Yes!
Did you come a lot?
- Kev.
- Right.
That bitch!
She can't just slut her
way back into our lives.
I don't even want her to!
That was weird!
Back when we were together,
I would get all shivery
and warm after sex,
but this time, it was different.
I felt angry and hateful,
and she has some sort of
fucked-up power over me
and I don't know what to do about it.
When's the next time you're
supposed to see her?
Tomorrow.
She's supposed to come by
to bring a contract for us to look at.
Okay, good.
When she shows up,
we read the contract slowly,
we ask a bunch of questions,
and we come up with an agreement
that works for all of us,
and if she tries to pull any of that
titty-hypnosis sex shit on you,
you shut it down, all right?
Boom.
She use two fingers or three?
Kev.
- Yo.
- Hey.
Someone steal your lunch money?
Uh, the church has a potential buyer.
A fucking art gallery.
Uh, I thought you said she was
having trouble selling it.
She was. Now she's not.
She wants to hold off on our leasing it
until this other thing plays out.
So it's not a done deal?
- We still have a chance to...
- I just said she's not leasing.
Buy it.
Buy it? With what fucking money, Ian?
Guy from The Fairy Tail.
No, he's been way too generous already.
It's fine. We'll find something else.
- Hi.
- Debbie.
My arc welding sculpture went great.
Professor Shelly called it
"intricate and expressive,"
and I got a perfect score on my written.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks. I'm super psyched.
Uh, so a couple of my friends
wanted to road trip to Joplin
to celebrate, and I kinda wanted to go.
Was wondering if maybe
I could leave Franny
here with you for a couple nights?
- Of course.
- Awesome.
Where is she?
Who the fuck is that?
This... this is Pepa.
Derek's girlfriend. They
drove up for my birthday.
Derek's here?
He is. I think he's hiding.
Derek! Ven aqui ahora!
Hey, Deb.
Franny got so big.
Yeah, that happens.
They surprised me, or
I would've told you.
Let's sit down, have a chat.
Anybody want some tea or anything?
No, thank you. Excuse me.
- Hi.
- The boy from tea.
Yeah. Uh, look.
Sorry to bug you so late...
Reasons you're here. Quickly.
We need money to buy the
church, or we'll lose it.
Buy?
I thought you wanted to lease.
It changed.
I don't appreciate
unannounced home visits.
Run along, now.
I know you from The Fairy Tail.
You're a Friday night regular.
You cover your face with your turtleneck
when you come. So maybe your wife
would like to know about that.
Hon?
It's the redhead from the club.
Thinks you should know
about my turtleneck.
Also, he wants money.
Lillian. I'm the one with the money.
Pleasure. How much would you like?
Um...
30K, for a down payment
to buy a building
for at-risk youth.
I hear you give exquisite head.
I'm curious if your skills
extend to both genders.
Do it for the kids.
Go forth with integrity and courage,
right your wrongs,
and help others do the same.
You did it, man. You're clean.
And now, you're free.
Thank you.
You were gone a while.
Yeah, I was, uh, driving around.
I didn't think...
I always figured I didn't want
any of the bourgie crap
other people had, but...
I don't know... after seeing
Brad and that baby...
what's so fucking terrible about it?
You okay?
Brad was here.
- Okay...
- He left.
He's around the corner.
What do you mean?
You might want to think about
finding that new sponsor now.
Hey, man.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Come on, let me take you home.
I'm not your fucking daddy.
I'm not your fucking problem.
So you can sleep it off
at my place, all right?
We'll hit a meeting, first thing.
Come on, let's go.
No.
- Hey, Brad!
- You know what?
Hey!
Where are you going?
What, are you gonna
drive fucking wasted?
Look, don't do this, man.
Hey, your kid needs you!
God damn it!
Stop it!
Joplin, here we come.
Rod doesn't want any E, so
he said he'll drive first.
That lamp is so beautiful.
Isn't it so fucking beautiful?
I think the drugs are kicking in.
I think your face is kicking in.
Derek can't touch me.
No one can.
Liam. Why didn't you show me this?
- What?
- Your test.
All the Xs have magically
become check marks.
You got an A.
Standing up for our principles worked.
You see,
this is the point I'm making
with the liberal elite.
In the war between the have-nots
and the have-everything's,
their guilt is our ammunition.
Never forget that.
- Okay.
- Morning, fam.
- Good morning.
- Where's your, uh,
drug addict? I don't hear him moaning.
I set him free. He's returning
back the Purple Heart,
and heading back to
Juilliard in the fall.
Nice work.
Jesus, that chick's gonna
put you in the hospital.
Uh, Brad relapsed.
He took off, and I've been
trying to find him all night.
Fuck. Are you okay?
I don't know.
Who the hell is this?
This is my girlfriend, all right?
I was at Betty Ford three times.
It didn't work for me, cost a fortune.
You cleaned me up in five days.
Here.
That's cash, from my parents.
It's five grand, plus,
Nora-Jean's folks are
gonna give you $2,500
for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You want to take half the profits,
even though you're one person,
and you want us to get half,
even though we're two people.
That's not fair.
It is more than fair.
You stole our bar. You
shouldn't get shit.
Honey, we've moved past that.
Not when she crawls up on me
like I'm some sort of weak fool.
That's not how this works.
We each get 1/3. Period. End of story.
Agreed. You heard her.
This time, we get what we want.
Now, I'm gonna go get a
bucket of extra crispy
and a pile of biscuits for lunch.
When I get back, we'll
go over all the orders
and maintenance and shit.
Until then, keep your saddle greased
and your guns oiled.
And these are contingencies,
like appraisals,
and, um, inspections and
mortgage agreements,
but no rush, by the way.
It's just for your information.
We'll have our lawyers look it over.
Sounds good.
- Hey, Fi.
- Hey.
- You Margo?
- I am.
Well, your office said
we could find you here.
I have a check for the church.
It's a down payment.
Who are you?
The youth shelter.
We were gonna lease it,
but now we wanna buy it.
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor?
You two know each other?
- This is my brother.
- That's my sister.
Come outside a second.
I'll be right back.
Those guys are buying the church.
Wait, has anyone signed anything yet?
Well, no, not yet.
Cool, okay, so go tell 'em not to.
Ian, you don't want that place.
It's... it's a piece of shit inside.
Oh, no, we love it. It's perfect.
Well, you'll find another place.
I mean, trashed buildings
that nobody wanted before
are popping up for sale all over.
They'll find another place.
We found it first.
The neighborhood is against the shelter.
You, like, speak for
the neighborhood now?
People wanna feel safe.
My kids wanna feel safe.
These guys are South Side.
They want to give back.
They want to engage the community,
provide programs for kids in need.
Kids like yours!
My kids don't need art classes.
They need homes. They're at-risk.
They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian.
That girl you brought into our house
bit off a dick!
That's exactly why she needs help!
I have worked too hard and
risked too much of my ass
and put it on the...
I promised those kids that church,
Fiona. I am not tearing it...
Find another fucking church.
Hey, kids.
Grub's here!
Hello?
Spasiba.
What in tarnation?
50/50.
You can't remember what
happened last week?
Jesus.
Kev's family are fucking rednecks.
I shot a deer! I get
to take home the head!
Sign over the bar to
me, and I'll tell them
this was all just a big mistake.
I keep two thirds of bar.
One third.
- What's all that shit?
- My welding gear.
What the hell's it for?
Future.
We don't have enough fathers in our PTA.
I'll wash cars with my son Liam.
Best way to teach him the
value of hard labor.
You're hanging around to try and weasel
your way back into my life.
Do not use these kids to do it.
All right, what can I
do to make it right?
Help me find some legit housing
that isn't your bedroom.
I can do that.
You know the woman who owns this place
dropped out of high school
and now she owns, like,
half the South Side
and a whole neighborhood
in Indianapolis?
This sober sex thing, man,
it's-it's not working for me.
Yeah, I need some fucking pussy!
- Think you could hit me a little less?
- Shut the fuck up.
Messing with a veteran
is a serious violation.
I'm gonna need some bait.
Ow! What the fuck?
What the fuck?
I see you found the
little treat I left you.
Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son.
I understand why you did what you did,
but you stole from a veteran, homey.
It's a crime against America.
Actions have consequences.
Oh! Fuck. Ah!
You're a shitty little lady, aren't you?
What?
- Say it.
- I'd prefer not to.
- Say it, bitch!
- Oh!
- Fuck, I'm a shitty little lady!
- Yeah!
Damn it! Oh! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Shit!
Oh!
Should we help him?
It sounds voluntary.
Eat up, son. Gotta stay sharp
to ace that test of yours today.
Make me look like a good
papa for the pieces.
The what?
The pieces of derriere at Liam's school.
I've moved into my 40s.
Men in their 40s soar in their career
and bang the parents at
their kids' schools.
Most of those moms haven't
been boned properly
since their junior year abroad.
You can tell by the way
they twitch when they walk.
Ew! Smells like puke!
Day four of detox.
Be happy it isn't diarrhea.
Panic attacks are next.
Hey! Did I tell you kids?
I got another promotion.
Assistant manager in the garden shop.
So what's the plan with
the dude in the basement?
I'll set him free when I feel like
he can contribute to society again.
- Isn't that kidnapping?
- Public service.
Hey. Can someone watch Franny tonight?
I've got a study group
for my exam tomorrow.
- I will.
- Hey, Debs, your old man
got another promotion. I...
Hey. Hey, Franny.
See you at the shop, runt.
Yeah. Ah...
Hey, you know you got a
little scratch on your...
Hey, piss off, huh?
Lip, you hear about your old man?
- Things are looking up...
- Hey, where's Fi?
I need to borrow her car,
make a pickup for the shop.
I think she's at her building.
- Come on, Cadet.
- Hey, Cadet Corporal, brother.
Is no one here interested in the
upward mobility of their father?
I am.
That's my boy. Go get your backpack.
You got some academic ass to kick today,
and I've got pieces to penetrate.
What are you up to today?
Uh, Trevor and me are having
lunch with this rich old dude.
I'm gonna see if we can get some cash
for a new place for
Trevor's at-risk kids.
I'm bringing the South Side cred.
Still trying to get
in that dude's pants?
Well...
he does good things for kids in need.
Pretty much the best person I know.
Plus, he's great in the sack.
- How about you?
- I gotta call the school,
see why my fall enrollment
packet hasn't shown up yet.
Gotta register soon.
You ready? Attention!
Double time, move!
Left, left,
left, right, left!
Cadet Corporal, halt!
Hold in place.
In cadence. Move!
It's about time we jazzed up the joint.
I bugged that prick Ryan for a year.
I'm like, "Bro, buy a couple shrubs,
and raise the profile of
the hood, why don't you?"
"Raise the profile?" I thought we were
just trying to make things look nice
so I can keep jacking up the rents.
You say "tomato"...
Now I just gotta figure out
how to stop these junkies
from smashing the windows
every couple months
and pissing in the alley.
Well...
you could install a
cheap security camera
or set fire to the church squat,
though you may not have to.
It's for sale.
Someone's selling that dump?
Yep. Sign just went up.
Maybe they'll finally kick
the junkies out of there.
Huh.
That's my boss' company.
Who do you think she'll sell to?
Somebody with an imagination.
Where is ledger, for checks?
I took care of it.
I would like to see it, please.
I know how to cut a damn check
for a damn liquor distributor.
There were three errors last time
and cost bar $300.
It's unacceptable.
Are you standing here telling me I
don't know how to run my business?
I'm standing here telling
you that your math is shit.
Hold up.
Are these the stubs for our paychecks?
- Yes.
- You cut two checks.
There's three of us.
We all make same amount. It's 50/50.
We own two thirds of the bar.
We should be making a
third of the profit each,
- not half.
- I work longer shifts.
I do all the paperwork. I
call when plumbing goes bad.
Excuse me, you do not get to decide
how much Kev and I earn.
You work eight hours together.
I work eight hours alone.
So 50/50.
- Morning, Francis.
- Hey, Bev.
Are you going to the PTA meeting later?
I wouldn't miss it.
You work at Lumber Lawn and Lighting?
Associate manager of
the garden department.
I handle plants, fertilizer, tools...
Nice.
How are you with a trowel?
I'm very, very handy.
I'm also quite adept at handling bulbs
of all sizes.
You should come by.
I just might.
She's into me.
She knows a renegade when she sees one.
Also, she thinks I'm teachable.
Women love a long-term project,
especially when it involves
the improvement of a man.
Now get in there.
Hey.
Hey.
Thanks.
I ran past that church
you were talking about.
It could be a great spot for a shelter.
Place is huge.
It's got this whole extra
part in the back, like,
rooms where the priests lived.
The listings didn't
have any interior pics,
but the lady on the phone said she
was having trouble selling it.
You could probably grab a couple
kids, fix it up for cheap.
We have tea with my donor later.
I'm hoping you're gonna shower first.
You gonna come with?
I'll meet you there. Just don't be late.
# Gonna jump in the Cadillac #
# We'll put some miles on it #
# Anything you want, yeah #
# Just to get a smile on you #
# Anything you want it,
anything you want it #
# Oh, and I'm gonna give
it to you, Franny #
- What's up with you?
- What do you mean?
You're always singing
and smiling and bouncing around.
I've got a beautiful daughter,
decent job, great grades,
a rad group of friends,
and I'm hot as fuck,
and tomorrow, once I pass
my arc welding exam,
I'll be one step closer to
getting my certification.
Gonna be able to land a job
that pulls real money.
Where is the peanut butter?
Over there.
Hello, sir.
It's Cadet Corporal Carl Gallagher, sir.
6612, C Company.
I haven't received my
enrollment packet yet.
My grant money has been
credited against that?
Yes, sir?
Comanche, sir.
I understand.
They gave my Indian scholarship
to another student.
Why?
He's 50% Comanche.
Fucking Comanche!
Tuition's 24 Gs.
I need 12 Gs by August first.
That's in, like, three weeks.
Supposed to have my own
single dorm this year,
be first in line in the commissary,
get my underwear washed
and my shirts ironed
by the plebes.
That sucks.
Anything I can do to help?
You got 12 Gs?
Nope. Good luck.
I don't need luck.
I have will.
I'm a fucking cadet corporal.
You know what makes a man?
Discipline.
Conviction.
Strength of character.
Deciding against all odds
you alone define your destiny.
You decide what you want
and find a way to get it.
I want to be able to
see my face in these
by the end of the day.
Well, these are impressive
numbers, Gallagher.
You really got this place humming.
Thanks.
So you're selling the
church over on 86th?
Yeah, I was looking to develop
the whole block, but...
I can't get it, uh, rezoned
to increase the density,
so now it's a liability,
'cause one of those
dopeheads ODs in there,
then they're gonna sue my ass.
You got any offers yet?
A shelter is looking to lease it.
A shelter?
Well, won't that be
hard on property values?
My building's only two blocks away.
Well, the only other interest
is from these two brothers
who were looking for an art gallery,
but they found another space,
and I can't say as I blame them,
'cause that church is a hellhole.
Well, you could fix it up.
You should buy it.
Well, how much is it?
Two hundred grand,
and it'll be worth twice
that in three years.
Nah, I-I can't-I can't swing that.
Well, I gotta unload it soon,
before they declare it a goddamn
historic landmark, so...
Diet Coke, please.
Light on the ice.
I swear, that commie bitch
is gon' drive me to murder.
I can't believe you have
to work with her again.
Oh, it's awful, and
Kev's driving me nuts,
trying to compete with the Russians
by going full-on Kentucky fried redneck.
Losing my damn mind.
Hey. Bring this to Margo?
Yo, can I get my old job back?
I need money for military school.
Comanche bastard took
my scholarship money.
Shit. Can you get it back?
I don't think so.
Well, I can lend you the
money, if you need.
No.
Third principle of military leadership,
seek responsibility and
take responsibility.
I need to earn my own
way back into school.
Okay.
I already got someone on dishes.
Please. I'll do anything.
I'll empty and clean the grease trap.
No! Ugh.
You won't be able to shake
the smell for days.
Really?
All right, but you gotta wait
till the lunch rush dies down.
I can't have customers around for that.
Soo-ee!
Shift change.
Russian hour is over.
It's Kentucky time.
Everybody who isn't a
red-blooded American,
please exit the premises.
_
_
_
_
Where's everybody going?
Holy shit.
Like, 60 Russians just walked out.
Gotta figure out how to
get my people in here.
You know there's a difference
between Southern and Western?
There's a learning curve, Kermit.
Does this mean no more
Ukrainian fist bumps?
No what?
Shot of vodka and a bump of coke,
for Russian hour.
She's a fucking pinko genius.
Hey.
Got a little human stuck to you.
Had to get Miles out of the house
so Cami could get some sleep.
Kid looks good on you.
I'm a fucking dad.
Didn't think I'd live
past 25. Now look at me.
Yeah, you look like shit.
I had three hours of sleep last night.
Two the night before.
I've eaten nothing but
frozen veggie burritos.
Jesus...
You, uh... you wanna
hit a meeting with us later?
No, I gotta head back.
Cami's parents are flying in.
Place is a fucking mess.
Look, I didn't have a chance
to sign the employee checks
before the baby came.
Can you, uh, grab them from the shop
and swing by my place later?
- Yeah, sure.
- They're on my desk.
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you guys.
- Yeah, you too.
- Later.
- Wow! That looks great.
- It's really cool.
You can check the
camera with your phone.
So some, uh, shelter
wants to rent out the
church, it turns out.
- Fuck.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Like, homeless people and shit?
No one else was interested?
An art gallery was for,
like, half a second.
Mel does PR for the Art Institute.
She can find out who they were,
why they changed their mind,
if they'd reconsider.
Little reminder, your girlfriend
and I don't get along.
Well, try harder.
Grow a cock, gain 40 pounds.
I gotta run some errands. Later.
Go.
You got this.
Hey.
Hey, hang on.
Hey, I gotta ask you a favor.
Uh, the church squat is for sale.
Some artist brothers were
interested in it for a gallery,
but they bailed.
I was hoping you could find out why.
You're really nice when
you need something.
A little sweetie pie.
Are you gonna help me or not?
I want you to grovel,
just a little bit.
Go on.
Please.
Please what?
Please find out why the
artist brothers bailed.
And now apologize for being a mega-cunt.
I apologize.
For?
For being a...
mega-cunt.
Let me think about it.
Nope.
Uh, and it's been a challenge
to find affordable housing.
The hoods where the kids would
have the chance to flourish...
They're just out of our price range,
but, um, we found a potential place
in a transitional neighborhood.
Um...
Um, so I'm from the South Side...
How much?
Uh, it's five grand a month to lease,
with a five-grand deposit.
It's a church. It's huge.
I wanna acknowledge, uh, how much
you've already given us, Mr. Fleet...
Quinton, please.
Well, you're our primary benefactor,
and you're the reason we're
able to help so many.
Ten grand, up front?
In cash?
That would be great.
I'll have my wife's assistant
wire you the money.
You're welcome.
Yeah, thanks.
I feel like I know you from somewhere.
I get around.
Oh.
Hi.
You the agent for the church on 86th?
I'm sorry. I'm late for a showing.
I own a-an apartment
building around the corner.
Why haven't you been able to
get a decent tenant in there?
We have someone lined up to lease.
A homeless shelter. I heard.
Churches are tough. People
are afraid they'll be
haunted by ghosts of sadistic nuns
and abused altar boys.
So reach out to some businesses.
I have,
and that property's a disaster.
So fix it up.
Uh, it's a-it's a big
space at a great price
in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
Someone decent is gonna want to buy it.
It's impossible to heat,
the whole exterior needs renovation,
there's no AC, half the
windows are broken,
the plumbing is from the '50s,
and it's now home, sweet home,
to a small village of drug addicts.
You want a better class
of tenants in there?
You go clean it up.
- Hey. What's going on, man?
- Hi.
There you go.
Hey, man, sorry about the mess.
Oh, no, it's no problem.
Don't worry about it.
This is Cami, my fianc?e.
Hi, how you doing?
Excuse the boob.
I have a nursing cover somewhere, but...
too tired to get it.
Ah, it's no problem.
I've been around babies
and boobs a lot, so...
Thanks for coming over, man.
I don't know my ass from my head.
Ah, it's all good. Um... but look, uh,
the guy with the Lexus and the goatee
called about his Harley.
Oh, shit.
I never got a chance to look at it.
Look, uh, could you check
the, uh, tension belt
and the fuel hose,
replace the brake pads?
Yeah, yeah, it's no problem, man.
Cool.
You wanna hold him?
Yeah.
He's just about done.
Just use the sanitizer.
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Mm-hmm. Oh, I know.
You wanna say hi?
Hey, gorgeous. I got you.
I got you.
I got you. Man, hey!
Wow, look at that tiny nose!
Huh?
Listen, I-I think you need to get
an interim sponsor.
That's all right. I'll wait.
No, you-you won't.
Look, if you lose your shit at 2 a.m.
And you need someone to talk
to, that guy can't be me.
I mean, not for a while, you know?
Some of these guys have
been sober longer than me.
All of them are superior humans.
I warned them you might be calling.
Take it.
Mr. Gallagher, a word.
Liam failed his exam today.
He only got two out of
ten questions correct.
I didn't understand the questions.
What kind of questions are we talking?
Basic word association.
"Jennifer blanked the glue
and finished her project."
The choices were "applied,"
"kicked," or "sliced."
Liam scribbled them out
and wrote "sniffed."
Well, technically, it works.
What else you got?
"The front door is to the foyer
as the back door is to..."
The choices were "sidewalk,"
"kitchen," "street."
He wrote "penis."
How the hell would he
know what a foyer is?
What are we, the Rockefellers?
These questions are standardized
across the private school curriculum...
To favor the students who
understand the references.
This is cultural bias.
You'll put his face on your brochure,
but you ignore his background.
I understand your concerns,
Mr. Gallagher...
Great.
What are you gonna do about them?
V, do you know Southerners
have 80 different ways
of saying "I did not know that"?
Listen.
"Well, slap my ass and call me Sally."
"Well, sit on my face
and call me Bernard."
Who's Bernard?
Your mounted deer head came.
Oh!
Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
His eyes... so soulful,
like he's begging me not to shoot him.
I don't want that thing in my house.
No, no, no, no. This is for
Kentucky time at the bar,
but I think I went overboard
with my background.
It's less cowboy and more hick.
Or hillbilly. Bumpkin? I
have so much to learn.
- Kev...
- Colored greens, for example.
Are they multicolored or just green?
Or is the colored part
just, like, racism?
I understand that you're
going through something,
and I support you,
but if this goes on for
longer than a week,
I'ma slap the redneck right off you.
Whoa, what's got you all bowed up?
Still pissed off from this morning.
Found out you-know-who
is trying to cheat us
out of our money by splitting
the Alibi's earnings down the middle.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
She gets half, she gives us half.
Well, she does do a shit-ton
more for the bar than us.
What gives her the right to
make those kinds of decisions?
I told her we should each get a third.
V, you gotta get over it.
She never apologized for
what she did to us,
- not once.
- V, this isn't healthy.
You're madder than a
hornet in a Coke can.
Yeah, Coke can.
I seriously cannot stop.
Yeah, and that look he gave me
when I said he was familiar.
Yeah, it was kind of skeevy.
Oh, holy shit.
What?
Ah, The Fairy Tail. He's the guy
who always asks for blow jobs
in the handicapped stall
'cause he grabs the railing for support.
- No!
- Yeah. I didn't recognize him,
'cause he always pulls his turtleneck
up over his face when he comes.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Wow. Well, maybe that's why
he was so quick to give us the cash.
I should've asked for more.
Mm.
Yo.
What're you doing?
Fiona's paying me to make the gang tags
seem more artistic.
Says that it's gonna raise
the profile of the hood.
Oh, holy fuck, what is that smell?
It's like rotten, rancid eggs.
Grease trap. No time to shower.
All right.
Hey, this place could definitely work.
I'll call the realtor tomorrow.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey!
Yo, cleaning up the joint?
Yeah. Got the last of the needles.
Now folks can walk around
without contracting hepatitis.
Oh, sweet.
You, uh... Do you want to grab a bite?
I'm craving some teriyaki beef.
Yeah, sure. I'm starving.
You ever hear of a safe word?
Yeah. How about "stop"?
That's good. I'll, uh...
I'll try that next time.
You gonna stick around?
Yeah. Brad's left all this work.
I gotta pick up his slack.
- Thanks.
- Yeah. How's he doing?
Uh, he's tired. Overwhelmed.
You know, he's a dad.
Man, that baby, though.
Yeah.
You ever wonder if, uh,
couples all making families and stuff,
they know something you don't?
If I want a kid, I'll get
one of my gay besties
to jack off in a cup for me.
Yeah, but I mean with a partner.
No. Do you?
Sometimes.
I don't know.
You know it's okay to not want that too.
Don't know where everyone got the idea
you gotta be yoked and
breeding by 30 to feel normal.
Maybe your normal is just different.
Yeah.
Okay, next round. Let's
see some more questions.
- Do this.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Lightning round, While flame cutting,
the preheat flame should be...
- Neutral!
- Yes.
What is the width of a cut called?
Kerf!
The maximum safe working pressure?
- 15 psi!
- 15 pounds per square inch!
"Square wave" refers to...
The shape of the output power!
Ah, shit, right.
- Ah, damn, you are good.
- And we're gonna ace this shit.
Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Hey, are we still, uh,
driving your car to Joplin
after exam tomorrow to celebrate?
Oh, fuck yeah. I'll bring the E.
- Mm...
- Debs, you down?
- I don't know, guys.
- Come on.
You've earned some chill time.
I've never been without
Franny for more than a day.
She has her abuela, right?
She'll-she'll be fine.
I'll think about it.
You're such a good mom, man.
Fucking love that kid so goddamn much.
Fucking murder someone for that kid.
Do you think Monica
would do that for me?
No fucking way.
My mom's a piece of shit too.
- Mine too.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck 'em.
- Fuck 'em!
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck shitty moms.
- Fuck them.
Tomorrow morning, we have meeting.
About what? We can do it now.
Empty. Not good.
I have date now. We talk tomorrow.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
The fuck is that smell?
Grease trap at Patsy's.
Come on, Liam, let's get
you upstairs to bed.
That stink could kill brain cells. God.
Hey.
Thanks for all your help today.
I'd hug you, but...
you fucking reek.
So, uh, can we talk money?
Sure. What do I owe you?
So to hit my down payment
by August first,
I need to be making $4,666 per week.
Brings us to $703.
Call it an even $700.
I was thinking more like $150.
'Cause that's all I got.
Thanks.
Need $516 by sunrise to hit my quota...
divided by eight hours, no sleep.
That's $64 an hour.
How much do you think
an Uber driver makes
during the night shift?
Ugh! Ugh.
Go on, talk about the smell.
It's like the gaping
anus of death itself.
Oh.
I know I can't help them all,
but if I can put a roof over, like,
three of their heads...
I don't know.
One small break could
change their lives.
It's the shit that keeps me up at night.
So, um...
I should probably get going.
I just want to say thank
you for all your help.
Um, I don't know. It's kind of...
Record time.
You caught me off guard.
Sorry.
No problem.
Good night, son.
You get the light?
Read to me.
Why would I do that?
Other kids' parents
read to them at night.
Oh.
Right, that's a...
that's a thing.
Uh...
"The victorious strategist seeks battle
after the victory has been won,
while he who is destined to defeat
first fights and seeks
victory afterwards."
Hmm.
Are we at war?
Yes, we are, son.
You're, um...
probably a little young for this,
but I'm gonna plant a seed here.
Those rich, white, liberal
parents at your school
were once radicals.
Rebels.
Renegades.
At some point, they fell in step
with societal expectations
and became robots.
So when they look at us,
loudmouthed,
antiestablishment,
unafraid to confront
the power structures,
they feel alive.
So...
we gotta take advantage of that.
Right?
Right.
I did what I could to
clean up the outside,
but can I grab the keys from you?
I was hoping to take some pictures,
reach out to some local businesses.
Thanks, Margo.
Anybody want to buy a church?
Saint Francis?
I'm no saint.
My delusions of grandeur
have faded as I've entered my 40s.
Mm. You're in your 40s now?
God, my head...
What time is it?
Time to pound some Advil and Gatorade,
like a good little drunkard.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be...
Coffee? Toast?
Mm. Please.
Thanks.
Come on, Liam. Another day of combat
for social justice.
Anyone seen my car keys?
"Need the car to make money.
Thanks. Carl."
- You call for an Uber?
- You Kendrick?
- I'm Carl. Where you going?
- No, thank you.
I charge ten bucks less than
whatever you were gonna pay.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for opening. I
thought I'd be here in time.
Ah, it's no problem.
Yeah, you clean out the black brake dust
after you took out the old pads?
Yeah, last night.
Great.
You find an interim sponsor?
No, not yet.
You gotta have a sponsor
in the first year and...
I'm not gonna be...
Did you use carb cleaner on this?
Yeah. Was I not supposed to?
Goddamn it, Lip!
Brake cleaner, brush, and the air gun.
Okay, I'm sorry, man.
Okay. Yeah. Whatever.
Christ.
Miles just shat all over
himself at the park.
I forgot to put more
diapers in the diaper bag.
Sometimes I want to bash
that baby's head in
with a tiny hammer.
One hour of sleep last night!
This is how they get people
to confess at Gitmo.
Domestic bliss, am I right?
Hey there, associate manager
of the garden department.
Aha!
Hey, hand me that little
spade over there...
Ah, heck, you know what?
Never mind, forget it.
I'm already covered in dirt.
Mrs. Seery told us about Liam's test.
The parents have assembled a committee
to eliminate cultural bias
in standardized testing.
We're petitioning Congress to support
the Every Student Succeeds Act,
and we're instituting a round table
to open each exam question
to multiple interpretations
based on ethnic and
economic considerations.
It's an excellent start,
and I'm happy to lead the charge,
although sometimes I feel like
our journey is this big
and a committee is this big.
Your hands...
filthy.
Some employees like to wear gloves.
I prefer the sensation of my bare hands
in the moist soil.
Wish I could get laid
someplace comfortable,
like with a bed or...
Show me your hands again.
Oh!
Your fingernails are so dirty!
Ah!
Now tell me how much you made last year,
without taxes.
I don't know.
Two grand, maybe,
and I don't pay taxes.
Ah!
Okay. First,
I want an apology
from you to us.
Second, I want the three of us
to sit down, figure out exactly...
- Come here.
- What we...
Look at something.
I was talking.
Come.
During my shift,
I bring in this number.
During your shift
and Kevin's shift, combined,
you bring in this number.
Which is bigger?
Yours.
By how much?
Three times.
I want percentage of the profits.
Not when you're making that
profit off illegal shit.
What the hell you thinking,
selling drugs in my bar?
If we get busted, the
whole place goes down,
not just the third you own.
Fine.
I get rid of the drugs.
Only if you agree to fuck me.
What did you just say?
Mm-mm.
No.
That ship has sailed.
I deserve more money.
You both know it.
I will put it in writing,
and I will still fuck you.
Holy shit.
Is this real?
Trevor's meeting with the
realtor as we speak.
Oh, my God.
Dude, it's enormous!
There's rooms in the back
where the priests live.
So if you're good, you
can have first pick.
Damn. You're like magic or some shit.
Gotta fix it up first, but...
I love it.
Oh.
Fist bump.
Hey. Go! Come on!
Come on, come on.
Oof.
Weirdoes.
What a palace.
Grab a trash bag or take a hike.
Found the gallery dudes
you were talking about.
They're these painters called
the Toussaint brothers.
They want a raw multiuse
space to exhibit their work
and for educational outreach
and artist residencies.
Super into supporting the community.
They do "urban" work.
That's graffiti.
It's street art.
They just did a show at the Institute.
They're hot shit.
So what'd they say about the church?
They drove by it, said
it was too much work,
too far south, too ghetto.
But they still haven't
closed on the other space.
I guess there's another
bidder who's interested.
Well, if I can clean it up a little,
you think they'd take another look?
I have no idea.
Ask them. Here's their contact info.
Why are you doing this?
I make 35 grand a year
at my nonprofit PR gig.
I'm not interested in some
yuppie bakery moving in
and charging me $12 for
a fucking vegan muffin.
You're welcome.
Hey, I'm gonna go do a
pickup at the paint shop.
I'll be back in a bit, all right?
Okay.
Svetlana tried to use sex on me
at the bar to get her way.
And?
It worked.
That bitch!
- Did she go down on you?
- Yes!
- Did she do that thing with her tongue?
- Yes!
Did you come a lot?
- Kev.
- Right.
That bitch!
She can't just slut her
way back into our lives.
I don't even want her to!
That was weird!
Back when we were together,
I would get all shivery
and warm after sex,
but this time, it was different.
I felt angry and hateful,
and she has some sort of
fucked-up power over me
and I don't know what to do about it.
When's the next time you're
supposed to see her?
Tomorrow.
She's supposed to come by
to bring a contract for us to look at.
Okay, good.
When she shows up,
we read the contract slowly,
we ask a bunch of questions,
and we come up with an agreement
that works for all of us,
and if she tries to pull any of that
titty-hypnosis sex shit on you,
you shut it down, all right?
Boom.
She use two fingers or three?
Kev.
- Yo.
- Hey.
Someone steal your lunch money?
Uh, the church has a potential buyer.
A fucking art gallery.
Uh, I thought you said she was
having trouble selling it.
She was. Now she's not.
She wants to hold off on our leasing it
until this other thing plays out.
So it's not a done deal?
- We still have a chance to...
- I just said she's not leasing.
Buy it.
Buy it? With what fucking money, Ian?
Guy from The Fairy Tail.
No, he's been way too generous already.
It's fine. We'll find something else.
- Hi.
- Debbie.
My arc welding sculpture went great.
Professor Shelly called it
"intricate and expressive,"
and I got a perfect score on my written.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks. I'm super psyched.
Uh, so a couple of my friends
wanted to road trip to Joplin
to celebrate, and I kinda wanted to go.
Was wondering if maybe
I could leave Franny
here with you for a couple nights?
- Of course.
- Awesome.
Where is she?
Who the fuck is that?
This... this is Pepa.
Derek's girlfriend. They
drove up for my birthday.
Derek's here?
He is. I think he's hiding.
Derek! Ven aqui ahora!
Hey, Deb.
Franny got so big.
Yeah, that happens.
They surprised me, or
I would've told you.
Let's sit down, have a chat.
Anybody want some tea or anything?
No, thank you. Excuse me.
- Hi.
- The boy from tea.
Yeah. Uh, look.
Sorry to bug you so late...
Reasons you're here. Quickly.
We need money to buy the
church, or we'll lose it.
Buy?
I thought you wanted to lease.
It changed.
I don't appreciate
unannounced home visits.
Run along, now.
I know you from The Fairy Tail.
You're a Friday night regular.
You cover your face with your turtleneck
when you come. So maybe your wife
would like to know about that.
Hon?
It's the redhead from the club.
Thinks you should know
about my turtleneck.
Also, he wants money.
Lillian. I'm the one with the money.
Pleasure. How much would you like?
Um...
30K, for a down payment
to buy a building
for at-risk youth.
I hear you give exquisite head.
I'm curious if your skills
extend to both genders.
Do it for the kids.
Go forth with integrity and courage,
right your wrongs,
and help others do the same.
You did it, man. You're clean.
And now, you're free.
Thank you.
You were gone a while.
Yeah, I was, uh, driving around.
I didn't think...
I always figured I didn't want
any of the bourgie crap
other people had, but...
I don't know... after seeing
Brad and that baby...
what's so fucking terrible about it?
You okay?
Brad was here.
- Okay...
- He left.
He's around the corner.
What do you mean?
You might want to think about
finding that new sponsor now.
Hey, man.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Come on, let me take you home.
I'm not your fucking daddy.
I'm not your fucking problem.
So you can sleep it off
at my place, all right?
We'll hit a meeting, first thing.
Come on, let's go.
No.
- Hey, Brad!
- You know what?
Hey!
Where are you going?
What, are you gonna
drive fucking wasted?
Look, don't do this, man.
Hey, your kid needs you!
God damn it!
Stop it!
Joplin, here we come.
Rod doesn't want any E, so
he said he'll drive first.
That lamp is so beautiful.
Isn't it so fucking beautiful?
I think the drugs are kicking in.
I think your face is kicking in.
Derek can't touch me.
No one can.
Liam. Why didn't you show me this?
- What?
- Your test.
All the Xs have magically
become check marks.
You got an A.
Standing up for our principles worked.
You see,
this is the point I'm making
with the liberal elite.
In the war between the have-nots
and the have-everything's,
their guilt is our ammunition.
Never forget that.
- Okay.
- Morning, fam.
- Good morning.
- Where's your, uh,
drug addict? I don't hear him moaning.
I set him free. He's returning
back the Purple Heart,
and heading back to
Juilliard in the fall.
Nice work.
Jesus, that chick's gonna
put you in the hospital.
Uh, Brad relapsed.
He took off, and I've been
trying to find him all night.
Fuck. Are you okay?
I don't know.
Who the hell is this?
This is my girlfriend, all right?
I was at Betty Ford three times.
It didn't work for me, cost a fortune.
You cleaned me up in five days.
Here.
That's cash, from my parents.
It's five grand, plus,
Nora-Jean's folks are
gonna give you $2,500
for the Beaver Trap Detox Special.
Okay, so let me get this straight.
You want to take half the profits,
even though you're one person,
and you want us to get half,
even though we're two people.
That's not fair.
It is more than fair.
You stole our bar. You
shouldn't get shit.
Honey, we've moved past that.
Not when she crawls up on me
like I'm some sort of weak fool.
That's not how this works.
We each get 1/3. Period. End of story.
Agreed. You heard her.
This time, we get what we want.
Now, I'm gonna go get a
bucket of extra crispy
and a pile of biscuits for lunch.
When I get back, we'll
go over all the orders
and maintenance and shit.
Until then, keep your saddle greased
and your guns oiled.
And these are contingencies,
like appraisals,
and, um, inspections and
mortgage agreements,
but no rush, by the way.
It's just for your information.
We'll have our lawyers look it over.
Sounds good.
- Hey, Fi.
- Hey.
- You Margo?
- I am.
Well, your office said
we could find you here.
I have a check for the church.
It's a down payment.
Who are you?
The youth shelter.
We were gonna lease it,
but now we wanna buy it.
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor?
You two know each other?
- This is my brother.
- That's my sister.
Come outside a second.
I'll be right back.
Those guys are buying the church.
Wait, has anyone signed anything yet?
Well, no, not yet.
Cool, okay, so go tell 'em not to.
Ian, you don't want that place.
It's... it's a piece of shit inside.
Oh, no, we love it. It's perfect.
Well, you'll find another place.
I mean, trashed buildings
that nobody wanted before
are popping up for sale all over.
They'll find another place.
We found it first.
The neighborhood is against the shelter.
You, like, speak for
the neighborhood now?
People wanna feel safe.
My kids wanna feel safe.
These guys are South Side.
They want to give back.
They want to engage the community,
provide programs for kids in need.
Kids like yours!
My kids don't need art classes.
They need homes. They're at-risk.
They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian.
That girl you brought into our house
bit off a dick!
That's exactly why she needs help!
I have worked too hard and
risked too much of my ass
and put it on the...
I promised those kids that church,
Fiona. I am not tearing it...
Find another fucking church.
Hey, kids.
Grub's here!
Hello?
Spasiba.
What in tarnation?
50/50.