Shameless (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - The F Word - full transcript

Next time you miss
Shameless,

I cut off your testicles
and feed it to homeless dog

who lives behind The Alibi,

but today you get free pass.
I tell you.

- Debbie?
- Yeah?

I made an appointment
for you for Friday.

For an abortion.

Not part of my plan.

I shot up.

You're just telling me
this now?

You had a lot on your mind.

What's with the attitude?

You're on my ass 24/7.

At home,
"Did you take your meds?"

At work, "You're late.
Pick up the pace."

If you don't like it, leave.

- [Ian] I will.
- Good! Go!

- [engine revving]
- What the fuck?

I thought you cut
the throttle cable.

I did.

[Veronica] Are you sure
you cut the right cable?

[Kev] Yes, there's only two
cables, the throttle and the--

I'll just make note
of your pregnancy.

What?

You didn't know
you were pregnant?

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪ hard rock music ♪

♪♪♪

[gags]

♪♪♪

[retching]

[yells]
Jesus!

- [gags]
- [Frank] Fuck.

Shit.

Gallagher rain.
[chuckles]

speaking Spanish

Frank, what the hell
is going on?

This is Jorge Mendoza
and his clan.

Got evicted.

Bank sold it right out
from under them,

and the Mendozas
came home yesterday

to find all their stuff
on the street.

And how is this our problem?

The loss of our
unique community?

Generations of the American
melting pot

getting kicked
out of their homes.

Gentrification is
everyone's problem, Fiona.

Frank, what are they doing
in our yard?

[Frank]
I rented it to them.

The shed, the van,
under the porch,

this grassy area.

And, oh, my God,
can they cook.

♪ Latin music ♪

[intercom beeps]

Yanis.

Hey, man.

It's Kev and V.

Yeah, I'm paralyzed,
not blind.

[sighs]

Look, we just wanted to say
how, uh, really sorry we are

for what happened to you.

Really, really,
really sorry.

Sorry the way any
good neighbor would be.

You got any Greek in you?

Greek?
No, no.

I'm not sure.
Maybe.

Yeah, yeah, probably.
I don't know.

You're a good friend.

He's a good man.

You're Greek for sure.

[sighs]

So when are they gonna
move you to rehab?

I'm not going to rehab.
I'm going home.

I don't trust that Chink doctor
or the girly man.

I'm checking myself out
of this hellhole today.

You believe this shit,
adelphe?

Eight years I serve
in the Marines,

I walk away fine.

I got these two kunas
on the South Side of Chicago,

I'm rolling out of here
in a goddamn chair.

- Who?
- [Yanis] Those two kunas.

The ones who took
my dogs.

Oh, you talking
about Lisa and Lisa?

[Yanis]
Yeah, they did this to me.

They cut my brake line.

Those bitches
are gonna pay.

They're gonna fucking pay.

- [squeaks]
- What'd you say?

[Veronica]
He is just sympathizing.

His voice squeaks
when he sympathizes,

like a little girl,

which we have two of,
by the way.

Two little girls who need
their daddy, Kevin,

so it is time for us to go.

Give him the flowers.

[groans]

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Where'd all this come from?

Carl bought Froot Loops.

And cage-free organic eggs
and juice with the pulp in it.

Eat up, little homey.

Where you getting
all this money?

Juvie job.
Saved up.

You better not be
selling drugs again, Carl.

Nope, no drugs.
I learned my lesson.

♪ Now I'm papered up
so I'm back in the game ♪

♪ Got these haters ducking ♪

♪ 'Cause it's like
I'm takin' aim ♪

- Next.
- [Ian] You better watch out.

If she doesn't like
what you're doing,

she might try to fire you
from the family.

Yeah, or try to force you
to get an abortion.

Smells good.
Bacon?

- Froot Loops.
- You coming to work?

Yeah, I just got to get
dressed and talk to Debs.

About what?

I want to apologize,
okay?

- I'm gonna go.
- I'll meet you there.

Oh, so you get
to be late

'cause you're fucking
the boss, right?

Lip already got you a new job,
so cut the shit.

Carl, can you drop Liam
at Head Start

on your way to school?

Do I look like a babysitter?

No, you look like a criminal,

but last I checked,
you were still a Gallagher.

Fine.
Bros got to stick together.

Let's go.

Come on, little homey.

Don't be a little shit.
Let's go.

[sighs]

I'm gonna be late.

I'm pregnant, Debs.

[chuckles]
Not funny.

No, it's not,
and it turns out that the pill

is a big fucking waste
of money.

Are you lying?
Are you making this up?

You are the only one who lies
about pregnancies around here.

Jesus.

I'm not making it up.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

What are the chances?

We can raise them together
like sisters.

Sister cousins!

Whose is it?

Is it Gus' or Sean's?

If it was Gus',
that'd be weird.

How far along are you?

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Listen.

I'm saying...

I know how shitty this feels,

like something's taken over
your body, and you feel sick

and, like, a little crazy,
and I'm sorry

because I didn't get that
before,

and I was harsh and cold and...

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

And now we can
go through it together.

We can go to the clinic.

We'll make appointments
for the same day.

It'll be good.
It'll be like a family outing.

Like Disneyland,
only with abortions.

Wait, what?

What kind of apology is that?

Debs,

I know that you think
that keeping it

will bring Derek back,
but if he left you like this,

then he doesn't deserve you,

and there will be other guys
that you will love--

No, no, no, no.

You're the one who
sleeps around, Fiona, not me.

God.

You are disgusting.

You're a horrible human being.

You didn't even bother
to divorce your husband.

You just ghosted him.

I what?

You ghosted him.

You disappeared.

And now you're gonna ghost
your baby.

[gags]

[Fiona retching]

Family breakfast,

no one bothers
to invite the padre.

Typical.

Frank, walk me to school.

Walk you to school?
What are you--

You think I'm your father?
All right.

♪ Dude in the ice-white shoes
talking square ♪

♪ Du-du-dude
in the ice-white shoes ♪

♪ I been waiting to put
my foot down ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm the man
with hustle muscle ♪

♪ Like a fire, whoa ♪

♪ I'm the one
that count it out... ♪

[pounding on door]

[Ian] Chicago P.D.
We have a warrant.

♪♪♪

- Yo.
- [laughing] Hey, buddy.

What's up, man?

- [Ian laughs]
- [Lip groans]

Oh.

Oh, check you out.

This is all yours?
No roommate?

Yeah, it's pretty sweet,
right?

Yeah.
Titty art.

Trying to make sure everyone
knows you're straight?

There's plenty of dude-on-dude
action around here.

- You'll do fine.
- Oh, sweet.

- Red Bull?
- Nah, let's go grab a coffee.

- You can show me around.
- You know, I can't.

You know, I got a lab due.
I've been up all night.

I got a few more pages to go
and then some classes,

but then I can hang.

Yeah, cool.
I can, uh--

I should go check in
at the new job anyway.

Yeah.

- Thanks, by the way.
- Oh, yeah, you know what?

I'll introduce you
to Prof Youens.

- You can thank him.
- Cool.

♪♪♪

This is some seriously
nerdy shit.

Yeah.

♪ Real Gs don't have to speak
and yet ♪

♪ Now you talkin'
from the left... ♪

I got to get to work.

All right, I'll catch you later,
all right?

Yeah.

♪ But hey, I ain't safe ♪

♪ They box them up... ♪

[chuckles]
I'm gonna be a grandfather.

From the bowels of death,
new life.

A new Gallagher.

Yeah,
and Fiona's pregnant too.

Shut up!

- [chuckles]
- A double grandfather.

Yeah, but Fiona doesn't want
to have hers,

and she's trying to force me
to get rid of mine too.

She says I'm too young.

She's wrong.
Scientifically wrong.

Biologically speaking,

you're in your prime
childbearing years.

Actually,
a little beyond them.

If Fiona waits much longer,
she's gonna have babies

that look like wombats.

Her labia will stretch
halfway to her knees.

Men wanting to do cunnilingus
will require a straw.

[laughs]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is your time, Debs.

Don't let anyone
tell you differently.

But what about Fiona?

She can't force you
to do anything.

You have the right
to control your own body.

But Fiona has that right too.

Well, we won't let her.

I had to handcuff Monica
to the bed

when she was pregnant
with Carl.

I kept her loaded for months
until he was too big to abort.

Yeah, I don't think
Sean's gonna go for that.

Who's Sean?

Her boyfriend.

I thought she was married.

Never mind.
I'll talk to her.

Okay.

Maybe we all
should talk to her.

Absolutely.

We'll talk more after school,
all right?

I got to run now.

I can't be late
for my cancer support group.

Wait, Frank.

Do you have cancer?

Not that I know of.

Knock wood.

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

[elevator bell dings]

♪♪♪

Can I help you?

Hi, uh, I'm Ian Gallagher.

Today's my first day.

Y-you spell Ian
with three letters?

Uh, yeah.

- I-A-N.
- That's lucky.

It costs extra to get
more than three letters

embroidered on your uniform.

That's why Tod
lost his second D.

A-a-a-and Ron, he--
he used to be called Ronnie,

but you don't have to change
your name at all.

That's like fate.

[Ron] Come on,
I'll show you around.

[Tod] Ian.

Tod had a, uh, car accident
a few years ago.

He's got a plate
in his head now.

He's a bit simpler
than he used to be,

but, uh,
well, he's a good guy.

So you ever done any work
like this?

I, uh, washed dishes
in a diner, bussed tables.

Well, this is like that,
only without the tips.

Yep.

You punch in here.

As low man on the totem pole,
your job will be

to empty the trash
all over the campus

and to clean up any messes
you may find along the way.

Now, you pull this bin with you.

You come in and you get a mop
and a bucket if you need it.

Hit all the classroom bins
but only in between classes.

It's a timing thing, but, uh,
well, you look smart.

You'll figure it out.

So that's it?

I empty trash all day?

Half hour for lunch, 1 p.m.

Clock out for your breaks.

The day ends at 5 p.m.

Now, once you get the hang
of the trash patrol,

we'll train you
on the bathrooms.

Now, we'll get this uniform
embroidered,

but, uh, for today,
you can be Dave.

[school bell rings]

Hey, you see a bike you like?

Don't worry, my homey.
I got you.

We'll find your dream bike.

Hey, yo, Dominique.

I been missing you.

You don't know me.

I know you from my dreams.

I already told you
and your cornrows

to leave me alone.

Why you got to dis the rows?

They never did nothing
but love you.

Why are you trying to play hard
when you're nothing

but a white boy
playing dress-up?

You hurt me, Dominique.

You hurt my heart and my soul.

You think color's nothing
but a skin tone.

You see my brother Nick there?

We was in juvie together.

He sees past my skin

into my dark, black soul.

Carl.

Fiona's pregnant
and I want the whole family

to talk her into keeping it.

- You in?
- White girl, I don't know you.

♪ hip-hop music ♪

♪ Only the strong survive ♪

Mr. Gallagher,

I'd like a word with you
in my office.

♪ Give it all you got,
give it all you got ♪

♪ I was born on the bottom,
I'ma die on top ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

There are ways
to make things right.

The man is paralyzed.
You feeling guilty?

He's gonna need help
around the house.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Well, your text
said 911 and--

I accidentally cut
our neighbor's motorcycle

brake cable, and now
he's paralyzed for life.

- Kevin!
- What?

God, it just feels good
to say it out loud.

I'll explain later.

What's going on with you?
You look like hell.

Hey, uh, Kev,
grab a table and order.

Hey, man.

Paralyzed a dude.

Cut his brake cable.

Cool.

Want a menu?

[sighs]

I'm pregnant.

- What?
- Yep.

Wait.
Debbie is pregnant, you said.

Turns out we got a two-for-one
over at our place.

It's like a fucking
sick joke, V.

We're both knocked up,
she wants to keep hers,

Ian hates my guts, Carl is,
like, turning into

a fucking criminal,
and I'm, like--

- Shit, what is this?
- It's the hormones.

You just start leaking down your
face until the babies are born.

Then you start leaking
out your titties.

[sobs]

Oh.

Whose is it?

Sean's.
[sobs]

[breathing heavily]

Or maybe Gus'.

[inhales sharply]

Possibly Jimmy's.

[laughs]

That's not funny.

[laughing]
I'm sorry.

Maybe not funny "ha-ha"
but funny slutty.

[laughs]

Oh.

Oh.
You gonna tell any of them?

No, 'cause I'm not
gonna have it.

You're not gonna tell Sean?

No.
There's no reason to.

But I think I got to go see Gus.

Fucking Debbie.

She accused me of ghosting him,

and I get that she's 15
and by definition

that makes her a bitch,
but it's, like,

really fucking with me.

It's fucking with you
'cause it's true.

You did ghost him.

You never ended it.

You never gave him back
his ring.

I know.

And it's like,
she can't have this baby, but...

...there's no chance
she's gonna listen to me

until I clean up my own shit.

[inhales sharply]

Oh.

[sighs]

His band's got a gig tonight.

It's all over Facebook.

Go and see him,

and then tell Debbie that you're
getting your house in order

and she should to do the same
in the form of evacuating

her underage womb.

♪ hip-hop music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪♪♪

Students talk.

They talk in the corridors,
in the cafeteria.

They talk, and they seem
to think that if they lower

their bellowing voices
only slightly

that I can't hear them.

But I have the ears of a dog,
Mr. Gallagher,

the ears of a dog
and the soul of a warrior.

Heard you're selling weapons,
son.

[sighs]

There was a school shooting
at Westmont last month,

three kids
and two teachers shot.

And Bridgemont Middle School,
13-year-old lost a leg.

Hobbling around on a peg now.

- So?
- So?

You don't care
about your fellow man?

I want a GLOCK.

A nine-millimeter semi
with an extended mag

but no cop-killer bullets.

I need hollow tips.

Can't have my bullet
going through the shooter

into some innocent kid.

Hey, inventory and payroll
are done,

and tomorrow's orders are in.

Do you mind if I, uh, go handle
some shit that needs handling?

No, I don't mind a bit

if you tell me what's going on.

- Thanks.
- Just family stuff.

- I call bullshit.
- What do you mean?

What I mean is,
tell me what's going on.

Besides my 15-year-old sister
planning to ruin her life

and mine?

[chuckles]
Yeah.

I can tell when somebody's
being cagey or full of shit

'cause I spent most of my life
being both.

Is that supposed
to comfort me?

[sighs] I'm saying direct's
a better approach with me.

Fine.

I'm gonna go to the clinic
to see if I can

make an appointment for Debbie,
and then...

...I'm gonna go see Gus tonight.

Husband Gus?
Augustus Gus?

Do you know another Gus?

No. Why?

I want to tell him
that it's over.

Pretty sure he knows.

Tell him I'm sorry.

Give him back
his grandmother's ring.

Why would you not
just tell me that?

I don't know.

Felt personal somehow.

Okay.

Go and do what you need to do.

Thanks.

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Been looking for you.

I was just leaving.
What do you want?

Debbie told me the good news.

I could just weep with joy.

Oh, God.
Jesus, Frank.

Let go of me.

Can I congratulate
the papa-to-be?

You cannot.

Is it the guy you were
kissing in here?

Are there multiple options
to it?

[laughs]

♪♪♪

[school bell rings]

Hey, yo, Dominique,
I want you to be my baby.

It's your heart, your soul,
and body that I seek.

[laughs]
What is the matter with you?

Mr. Gallagher,
I just wanted to commend you

as a fine, upstanding
African-American citizen

of our proud school.

Thank you, Principal.

Sir, no disrespect,
but he's white.

Don't be ridiculous.

More of our
African-American youth

should be like
young Carl here.

Think that was too much?

Nah, I think we gained
some ground.

A'ight, let's do some business.

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

How is he?
Coming home?

Yeah, but only because
he doesn't trust his doctors.

Something about them
being immigrants or something.

Uh, well,
isn't he an immigrant?

He's paralyzed.

I don't think we should
be criticizing him.

[Lisa Two] It's very nice
of you to clean up his yard.

Very neighborly.

Yeah, we should do something
for him too.

Maybe plant a nice garden.

Ooh, maybe roses
and a new lawn.

I think maybe it's the best
if you two just stay clear.

I'm gonna pick him up
and I'm gonna

bring him back
in a couple hours.

Maybe a new fence.

[girl moaning]

She thinks just 'cause
I'm pregnant

means I'm gonna drop out,
which it obviously doesn't,

but if she has her baby,
it'll be so much easier

'cause she'll be taking care
of hers anyway,

so she can just watch mine
while I go to school.

Stop screwing in there.
We need to pee!

Forget it.
I'm gonna pee in the sink.

God, this is such bullshit.

This is why teen moms
drop out of high school

even though we are in
our prime childbearing years.

[baby crying,
girl moaning]

Uh, you can't do that.

My pregnancy is no less
punishing to my bladder

than your paralysis is to yours.

Right?

I'm trying to wipe.

Do you mind?

- [woman] Fiona Gallagher.
- Yeah.

Reason for visit?

Uh, I'm pregnant
and I need a--

We'd like to learn
about prenatal care, please.

No, we wouldn't.

You're here to discuss
your options?

- I'm here to get an abortion...
- No, she's not.

...but they said I need to make
an appointment for a pee test.

A pee test
and a reservation in hell.

Jesus Christ.

He's opposed to abortion.

I'm pretty sure
that's on record.

Can we do it today?
Like, right now?

Your mother would weep
if she heard you say that.

Can you make him leave?

If I leave, I'm gonna go talk
to the baby daddy.

- You're not the father?
- I am the grandfather.

My God, I love the way
that sounds.

You go anywhere near Sean,
and I will set you on fire

in your fucking sleep.

About that appointment.

We can't do it today, but we
can schedule for next week.

You'll be medicated, so you'll
need somebody to pick you up.

You have a husband
or boyfriend?

- I can--
- She has both.

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

- Who's in my yard?
- Oh, some of the neighbors.

They want to do
something nice for you.

They're throwing away
all my shit!

You goddamn kunas!

I'll kill you first,
xekoliaras!

Jesus Christ!
[yells]

[tires squealing]

[crashing]

[yells]

You stupid b--

[grunting]

[breathing heavily]

[sighs questioningly]

- [sighs]
- [knock at door]

[door squeaks]

Hey.

Uh, I was just gonna
empty the trash.

- Should I come back?
- [Lip] No. No, no, no.

Come in.
Uh, this is Professor Youens.

He made the call
to get you the job.

Oh.
[chuckles]

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

How do you pronounce that?

- "Dav"?
- Dave.

Uh, Ian.
His name's Ian.

You look young, Ian.
You still in high school?

[Lip] No, he, uh--

I dropped out.
Joined the army.

Since when does the U.S. Army
accept high school dropouts?

They don't.
I registered as Lip.

It's a long story.
[chuckles]

- He as smart as you?
- [Ian] No.

Yeah, he's smart.

Lip is the genius
of the family.

So that gives you an excuse
for not finishing?

You seem plenty smart,
and Dav's uniform

doesn't really suit you.

♪ mellow rock music ♪

♪♪♪

You want to get some food
or something?

♪♪♪

Yeah.

Cool.

- Fiona here?
- Napping.

Hopefully dreaming
of her unborn child.

We need to convince her
to keep it.

- Who's she?
- That's Juanita.

Juanita...

speaking Spanish

speaking Spanish

Gracias.

[groans]
I'm starving.

Baby needs to eat.

[Frank] Time for you to learn
the grand Gallagher art

of living off
the American government.

Well, I have to pick up Liam,
and I told V I'd babysit.

- Yo, I'll get Liam.
- You will?

I need to introduce him
to somebody.

You got a problem with that,
you can give my drumstick back.

[groans]
Whatever.

A'ight, we'll go pick up
little homey

and pay Dominique a visit.

She need to understand
the bloodlines around here.

So your professor's
kind of a dick, huh?

Oh, he's fucking harmless.

He actually reminds me
of Frank, only he's, uh--

Privileged?

I was gonna say employed.
Yo, Joaquin.

- Hey, hey, what's up, brother?
- What's up, man?

Hey, this is my brother Ian.

- What's up, Ian?
- 'Sup?

Hey, did you get that paper
done on Schrodinger's cat?

Ah, that shit
fucks with me, man.

I know, right?

It's like shit exists

because we're observing it,

changes based
on us observing it.

Yeah, it's like those girls.

Like, if we weren't here
right now to see them,

they might not be laughing.

- Right?
- Right.

The fuck you talking about?

- Quantum physics.
- Quantum mechanics.

Thought you were talking
about a cat.

We kind of--kind of are;
it's just--it's--

you know, it's complicated.

It's a--it's a long story.

I got to clock out.

Yeah, well, I'll catch you back
at the dorms, though, right?

Welfare is not as simple
as the name makes it sound.

It requires
careful calculations,

proper paperwork,
and a little bit of luck.

Now, one baby is worth
$357 a month,

but twins will get you
an extra $154.

Do twins run
in your boyfriend's family?

I don't have a boyfriend and
I don't acknowledge his family.

Okay.

So if the baby has a club foot
or a harelip,

that's worth an extra $100,
so you might want to lighten up

on the prenatal vitamins.

Mental deficits are worth a lot,
but they cost a lot,

so don't cut out
the folic acid completely.

I'm taking all my vitamins.

Okay.
Suit yourself.

We'll get you
all signed up here.

Then we'll work
on your sister.

She's so stubborn.

She's already made
an appointment to terminate.

Shit.

Do you know how to do
an intervention?

[laughs] Yeah.
Yes.

Never been on this side
of one of those.

That's exciting.

An abortion intervention.

An inter-vortion.

I should trademark that.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

This is my dependent,
and she's about to have

a dependent of her own.

We'll need the proper forms.

Okay, here you go.

See?

Free money.

Uh, nope.

We're missing the TANF forms.

We're not new at this.

[chuckles]

It's like Bring Your Daughter
to Work Day.

[chuckles]

[knocking on door]

♪ dark hip-hop music ♪

♪♪♪

[music warping]

Yes?

Dom here?

Nope.

Wh--she's right there.

No, she's not.

I want her to meet my brother.

Dom, this is my brother.

Say what up, Liam.

What up, Liam?

Your brother?

- Or your bro?
- My blood, sir.

Same mom, same pops.

Dom be calling me white all day,

so I had to make a point, sir.

Just 'cause his skin
is a little darker than mine

ain't no reason
to call a nigga white.

[laughing]

I'm gonna give you
a ten-second head start.

You better run, boy.

And take Shaq with you.

Go!

♪ rock music ♪

- Ten, nine, eight...
- I won't stop seeing you!

- Dom, I won't stop seeing you!
- ...seven, six...

...five, four, three, two.

♪♪♪

Feel like I'm gonna throw up.

- It's the hormones.
- Not this time.

- Just talk to him.
- I don't know what to say.

How about, "I'm pregnant
with what may be

another man's baby, so we
should probably get a divorce.

Here's your ring."

♪♪♪

Oh, shit.

Go ahead.
Rip the Band-Aid.

♪♪♪

Hey.

Hey.

Got an invite on Facebook.

Yeah, I guess you're
still on the mailing list.

Guess so.

♪♪♪

You look good.

♪♪♪

I guess, you know,
the way we left things, I--

- Gus.
- Yeah, I'm coming.

I'm glad you're here.

♪♪♪

You are?

I wrote a song for you.

You did?

You gonna hang out?

Yeah, sure.

Can we talk after?

Sure.

♪♪♪

Nobody's bleeding, so that
went better than I expected.

Yeah, me too.

You want to get us drinks?

We're staying?

Yeah.

♪♪♪

♪ electronic music ♪

♪♪♪

Hey.

♪♪♪

Hey, what up?

This happen every night?

Nah, just most nights.

♪♪♪

I think I like college.

[laughing]
Yeah.

♪♪♪

[applause]

So, uh, we have
a special guest tonight.

My wife is here.

Haven't seen her for a while.

She's right over there.

Give a little wave, Fiona.

[applause]

This song's for you, babe.

It's called "The F Word."

[light rock music playing]

♪♪♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I was taught not to say
the F word ♪

♪ I guess I forgot ♪

♪ As a grown man
with an open heart inside ♪

♪ I got married to the F word ♪

♪ And my heart slowly died ♪

♪ F is for ♪

♪ Fiona ♪

♪ With her fist
a-flailing fire ♪

♪♪♪

♪ F is for ♪

♪ Fiona ♪

♪ I felt like I could fly ♪

♪♪♪

♪ But then ♪

♪ Fucking Fiona ♪

♪ Was fucking everyone ♪

♪♪♪

♪ So fuck you, Fiona ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm fucking done ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Fuck you, Fiona ♪

♪ With your fist
a-flailing fire ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Fuck you, Fiona ♪

♪ I felt like I could fly ♪

♪ And then ♪

♪ Fucking Fiona ♪

♪ You know that she
was fucking everyone ♪

♪♪♪

♪ So fuck you, Fiona ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm ♪

♪ Fucking done ♪

[Gus chuckles]

♪♪♪

Shit, I'm wasted.

[lighter clicks]

[groans]

It's medical-grade weed
plus piss-grade beer.

I'm seeing triple.

I think I need to crash.

[inhales]

Me too.

[sighs]

Mind if I crash here?

Yeah, of course.

Like, for a while.

I hate it at home.

Fiona and Debbie
are always fighting,

and she treats me like I'm five.

Change of scene would be nice.

Plus I figure we shared a room,
like, our whole life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

No, I mean, um...

yeah, no, it's just...

...you know,
Helene comes over sometimes.

Oh.

Okay, the salty dog.

I'll clear out when she's here.

You know, and I'm the R.A.
now, and--

I don't know, you know.

I just--I guess I feel like
I kind of earned my space

or whatever.

But you can totally
crash tonight.

Or any night, you know.

Just don't move your shit in
is all I'm saying.

You smoking now?

Oh, I'll quit soon.

You okay?

Yeah.

Just wanted to see you.

Nice.

How was dinner?

Well, it was slow.

How was Gus?

Hmm.

Angry.

So it went well, then.

About as well as you'd expect,
you know,

only with music.

Did you give him back
his ring?

No, I left after a few songs.

How'd you do today

with the whole

not doing drugs?

Oh, I did great,

in that I did not do drugs.

You crying?

Motherfucker.

[inhales sharply]

[crying]

[sighs]

You gonna end it?

What?

Between us because of my slip.

- No.
- You sure?

Because you've been acting
really weird,

and you're crying now,
and, uh...

No, it's 'cause Gus wrote
a song about me

called "The F Word,"
and he played it

in front of about 100 people.

That is such a pussy move.

If I were him, I'd have just
burned your house down.

[laughs]

I fucking love you, okay?

Okay.

[sighs]
I'm just fried.

[sniffles]

[whispering]
It's all right, babe.

I'm gonna go home and crash.
You want to come?

No, I'm got to hit
another meeting.

You want me to walk you?

No.

♪ mellow music ♪

I want you to make your meeting.

♪♪♪

Hey, sing me some
of "The F Word"?

♪♪♪

♪ Some days,
I don't have the will ♪

♪ For another run-of-the-mill ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Kind of day ♪

♪♪♪

♪ I'm sparing the change ♪

♪ For your hearsay ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Saying look at
what we've become ♪

[retching]

♪♪♪

[baby crying]

What the fuck?

Fiona, this is
an inter-vortion.

- Trademark pending.
- [Fiona] A what?

We are here to stop you
from destroying your soul,

this family, and my legacy,
which all live in the form

of a defenseless fetus
in your womb.

[laughs]

- Are you serious?
- I came to back you.

I came 'cause I paralyzed
a dude.

- Kev.
- I just like to say it.

It's a crime
against God.

When was the last time
you went to church?

I light candles
for Bianca daily.

Other than to steal
from the offering plate?

What's the name of our pope?

He prefers to go
by Holy Father.

Can you recite one prayer?

This isn't about me, Fiona.

This is about the Gallaghers.

Gallaghers don't abort.

No, they just abandon their kids
once they have them,

or they drink so much,
they can't remember them.

Boom!
Good one.

That's the Irish way.

We can't help thousands of years
of inebriated evolution.

Are you saying you wish
we didn't have you?

Because your mother
didn't want to.

[Veronica] Thought Gallaghers
didn't abort.

I kept her from it until
that last one at the end.

After you've pushed out six,

God gives you
a "get out of hell free" card.

Where are you and your friend
gonna sleep

if Debbie and I
have babies?

'Cause I'll need to turn your
room into a nursery for sure.

Ha!
Burn.

Don't kill babies, Fiona.

I won't kill any babies.

I'll just have some cells
in my tummy vacuumed out, okay?

I confided in you,
and you told everyone.

Because I care about you.

Are you saying I don't have
the right to choose?

No. I'm a feminist.
I believe you have that right.

Tell her your feelings.

I want our babies
to play together.

They're cousins!

They are not babies.
They are not cousins.

They are the size
of warts right now,

and when you get a wart,
you freeze it off.

Damn, that's cold.

You are not watching
a tennis match on TV.

- People can hear you.
- Sorry.

[Debbie] V, you're a mother.

Do you wish you'd frozen
your babies like warts?

No, I love my babies,
but I wasn't 15 when I had them.

We're not talking about me.
We're talking about Fiona.

I'm hungry.
Breakfast?

That's because
you're eating for two.

Frank, one more word,
you'll be sharing a mattress

with your friends out back.

Babies bite your nipples,
spit up in your mouth,

stretch out your punany.

Think about that.

♪ rock music ♪

Here, let me help
with that.

I got it.

♪♪♪

I said I got it.

It's probably my puke.

Hey.

I got it.

Pissed about something?

No.

I just wanted to help.

Hey, I just don't want
your help.

Well, what's up?

I'm busy.

Some of us actually have
to work for a living.

Yeah, no, I-I work.

All right, what's your problem?

[sighs]

This is it for me, Lip.

This job.
This is where I land.

So you want to come to me
and talk about how hard

your fucking job is
as a teacher's assistant...

I never said that--

...while I clean up
your goddamn puke?

Look, if you want
a better job,

you can go back
to high school.

All right?
Nobody made you drop out.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.
All right?

I got you this job, man.
Now you don't want it?

You won't share your room
because you think

you've earned your space,

and then you sit around and
laugh at me with your fucking

shitty bitch college friends
and say words like "prof"

and "caf" like
you're too fucking busy

to finish your goddamn words,

but I'm the one
with the problem?

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

[groans]

Fuck!

♪♪♪

- [yells]
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Shit.
- That's enough, man.

- That's enough, man.
- Let go!

It's okay. Let him go!

You want me to let him
hit you?

Fuck!
It's fine!

Fucking done!

[panting]

Fuck.

[crashing]

[school bell rings]

Excuse me, Carl Gallagher?

Yeah?

I need a word.

Do I know you?

No.
I teach AP Calculus.

I'm almost certain
you never will qualify.

All right, so what are we
talking about here?

Hopefully we're talking about
a Smith & Wesson lady model.

Pink handle would be nice.

I have cash.

[scoffs]

Already adding
high school dropout

to your teen mom résumé?

Fiona, I want you
to support my decision.

You don't want to have yours,
that's fine.

I will support that if it's
what you really want to do.

But I need you
to support me too

because no one else does.

Not our family,
not our neighbors,

not my school,
just Frank,

and he's Frank.

Please, Fiona.

If you love me, you will support
my decision in having this baby

because I know I'm going
to be a great mom.

[sighs]

You are gonna be a great mom.

Just not yet.

Hey, we can have babies
together in ten years

when we're ready.

Because it's all about timing,

and the timing is not right
for us right now.

We made mistakes,

but it's not too late
to fix them.

No, Fiona.

Mine wasn't a mistake.

I did it on purpose.

I lied to Derek
that I was on the pill

because I know what I want.

You're right.

Frank is the only person
who thinks this pregnancy

is a good idea.

You have Frank on your side,

and that should bother you.

You should be crying,

and I want you to really
get this too:

if you have this baby,

I will not support you.

Not physically,
not emotionally.

I will not change
a fucking diaper.

I will not be woken up
in the middle of the night

because it has fever or croup
or fucking colic

because you will not be living
under my roof.

You are on your own
if you do this.

[door slams]

[inhales sharply]

[sighs]

[groans]

[sniffles]

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

You called in sick.

[sniffles]

Yeah, I'm feeling sick.

[sighs]

I am clean and sober...

...and that small amount
of heroin I recently did

did not affect my ability
to listen and respond,

if you want to talk
about what's going on,

which for fuck's sake,
I, uh,

really hope you do.

I'm gonna catch one Lisa while
the other Lisa isn't looking

and skin her alive.

Then I'm gonna wrap the other
one in the first one's skin

and beat her with a bat
until she dies.

It wasn't them.

All right, Yanis?
They didn't do it.

The Lisas didn't cut
your brake line,

so there's no point
in skinning one of them

and then wrapping the other one
in her skin.

Hold on a second; what makes
you say it wasn't them?

Because the Lisas were out of
town the day of your accident.

I know who it was, then.

Look, Yanis--

That lawyer motherfucker
on the corner with the Audi.

That gentrifying piece of skata.

I'm gonna kill his kids

and feed him their testicles
on a shish kebab.

[Kev] No, man, what?
That's not right.

You don't bring kids--no.

The Bible says
we're supposed to forgive.

Hey, man.

I'm never gonna see
a woman's naked body

ever again unless I pay for it.

My life is over,
so the Bible can suck my dick,

and so can that lawyer's kids!

So how long do you want
to sit here like this?

'Cause I can--
I can wait all day,

but I do have
a few errands to run,

and there's no manager
on the floor

at the diner right now, so--

I'm pregnant
and I'm not having it.

And you don't get to have
an opinion about it

'cause I don't know how long
I've been pregnant,

and I don't even know
if it's yours,

which you also don't get
to have an opinion about.

Just like I'm not allowed
to have any opinion

about you shooting up,

and I'm not allowed to ask you
to make any promises.

This is like that.

[whispering]
Like that.

You don't get a vote,

and you don't get to
go shoot up over it either.

[sobs]

And these tears
aren't because I'm sad

to have a fucking abortion

or because I'm having
mixed feelings.

They're because
I had a shit week

and because the hormones
that are raging through my body

have swollen my tits so much

that my fucking bra doesn't fit
and it hurts.

[sobbing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Yeah, I got to go to the bank
and make a deposit.

You want to walk with me?

[laughs]

Sure.

You letting me walk by?

No rhymes to recite?

You got a problem
with my skin tone, so...

That's not my problem
with you.

My problem is that
you go out of your way

to sound uneducated
and to look like a gangbanger,

and I'm not down with that.

You don't like rap?

I prefer Shakespeare.

What can I say?
I'm a fool for love.

I'm Romeo,

and you're my Juliet.

[laughs]

Yeah, they both ended up dead.

Shit.
They did?

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

[crashing]

[boy] Whoa!

[all screaming]

Hold still!

[all screaming]

♪♪♪

Kevin, you have to let
this go now.

That man can't kill the lawyers
or the Lisas or anybody else

'cause he can't get out
of the house without your help.

He doesn't have
any other friends.

Nobody likes him.

You know why?
Because the guy's an asshole.

So...
[sighs]

...maybe this wasn't
an accident, Kev.

Maybe he didn't deserve
working legs.

Maybe guilt isn't what
you should be feeling.

Maybe you should be feeling
like a hero.

You saved the neighborhood.

You are God's personal army,
and you have been rewarded.

We have two healthy girls,
and our business was named

the best shittiest bar
on the South Side.

So let go of the guilt
and focus on what's good.

You know Ian used to wake up
every morning,

do 200 push-ups
before going to school?

Hard-core ROTC.

Well, he wanted to be a soldier.

I don't know.

You know, he thinks...

...being bipolar means he's
doomed to be a piece of shit

like our mother.

Well, maybe it's true.

Maybe it's not.

♪ poignant music ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Sing me a tiny little bit
of that song.

I'm saying please.

- Never.
- Aw.

[chuckles]

Wasn't anything
I didn't deserve.

Things could be worse.

Eviction notice?

Are you kidding me?

That's just like the one
we got last week.

[sighs]

♪ stirring music ♪

♪♪♪

[tires screeching]

[crash]

[car alarm blaring]

♪ rock music ♪

♪♪♪

Hey!

Jesus.

[fire whooshing]

Holy shit.

Fuck.

Hey, lady!

You okay?

Hey!
Hey!

Hey, lady!

Wake up!
Wake up!

There's fire.
Wake up!

Hey, can you hear me?

Fuck.

[coughing]

♪♪♪

[coughing]

Fuck.

[coughing]

♪♪♪

[coughing]

♪♪♪

[explosion]

[coughing]

[fire whooshing]

♪♪♪

[man] Hey.

Can you hear me?

Sir?

Can you tell me your name, sir?

♪♪♪

Let's get some oxygen over here!

♪♪♪

[men shouting]

[radio chatter]

♪♪♪

[gun clicks]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪