Shameless (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Paradise Lost - full transcript

For those of you
who are too fucking busy,

here's what happened
last week on Shameless.

Fuck it.

[rock music]

Is Dom here?

I was thinking you and me...

Yeah.
Okay.

I cannot get visa
with my husband in prison.

What if you divorce Mickey

and somebody else marries you?

Oh.

Fiona, will you marry me?

Yeah.
[laughs]

What's this?

Hey, Frankie, baby.

We're off to the commune.

That sounds nice.
Are we taking the van?

[Ian]
I like having a purpose,

studying to be an EMT.

Feels like I'm back
to my old self.

Meaning...

Skeletons.
Closet.

- I'm bipolar.
- I'm HIV positive.

- Oh.
- You haven't been tested?

No.

♪

Hair of the dog?

When's the last time you stopped
for a couple of hours?

Try it.
Hydrate.

Get a good night's sleep.

By morning,
you'll be as good as new.

- [coughs]
- [machine beeping]

What the fuck?

I'd rather be
riddled with bullets

than spend one more hour
in this place.

[gunfire]

These people care about
me and my baby.

This is where I want
to raise my child.

There's something
you should see.

Here we are.

You're farming opium?

[chuckles]

It's beautiful.

♪ rock music ♪

♪

♪ Think of all
the luck you got ♪

♪ Know that
it's not for naught ♪

♪ You were beaming
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

♪

♪ Round up
the friends you got ♪

♪ Know that
they're not for naught ♪

♪ You were willing
once before ♪

♪ But it's not like that
anymore ♪

♪ What is this downside ♪

♪ That you speak of? ♪

♪ What is this feeling ♪

♪ You're so sure of? ♪

[Debbie screaming]

[Debbie]
Aah! This hurts so much!

Queenie!

Aah!

Hey.
Are you all right?

I think I felt something.

[groans]
Like a cramp.

Did it hurt?

[groans]
I'm not due for another week.

Mother nature knows no clock.

Orgasms can induce.

I'm surprised the baby
didn't pop out days ago,

the way you've been
strumming your guitar.

A-am I in labor?

Is the baby coming?

No, just relax.

Not for a while, okay?

But still, I think we should go.

Go where?

To the birthing tent.

Oh.

[laughs softly]

What a beautiful day
to grow poppies.

Whoo-hoo!

You're lucky that cat
couldn't aim for shit.

Careful, once cougars
get a taste,

they come back for more.

[groovy music playing]

Not too much, Moon.

[Jupiter]
Frank.

You're supposed to be
working compost.

You spend the day in a steaming
pile of excrement.

I'll be in here with the opium.

I run the warehouse.

I thought we share everything
on the commune.

Opium, compost, Queenie.

Except when it comes to orgasms.

Those Queenie only
shares with me.

Do you want some
constructive criticism?

- No.
- You put Queenie to sleep.

There's no rhythm.

Your penis is like
a sexual lullaby.

You got to treat a woman
like a poppy.

Know when to be gentle,

and when to be rough.

Give 'em what they need,

you'll have the best high
you ever had.

♪

[rattling]

What's with the slumber party?

Oh.
The babies awake?

Not yet.
You didn't come to bed.

Oh, we were celebrating,
and I fell asleep.

- Celebrating what?
- I get divorce.

- Woot woot!
- [sighs]

The papers came through.
Lana is single.

Mm!

Lana?

Yes, what V calls me.

What, you have
a pet name for her?

- It helps sell it.
- Sell what?

Our loving dyke relationship.

[laughter]

No.
No, no, no, no, no.

We dropped the whole
marriage idea.

- You drop.
- I'm not talking to you.

V, marriage is
a sacred institution.

It's just for immigration.

You're talking about
being married to another person.

- You are.
- Yeah, okay, so?

But--look, you and I
aren't married on paper, right?

But that doesn't change
how I feel.

Me neither.
It's not a big deal.

Give blessing.
Is least you can do.

Hey, you the one who outed her
to the INS.

Stop ganging up on me.

There are other options
besides marriage.

What?
Immigration is gonna put her

back on the next boat to Moscow.

- I'll figure it out.
- No time.

I'll fix it by the end
of the day, okay?

Just...no more pet names.

Found more newspaper.

Uh, wrap the frames in it.

Is that Sean's shirt?

Yeah.

[sighs] You're supposed
to be packing it.

Meeting my girlfriend
for breakfast.

I didn't know you two
were official.

She told her dad.
He flipped out.

Dads can be protective
sometimes,

but he'll be all right
when he meets you.

He already did.

Well, how'd it go?

Chased me with a bat.

[door opens]

[Sean]
I found a spot out front.

I didn't have to double-park
the U-Haul.

Think I know where to get
a wedding dress.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna stop by
some florists later, too.

And a reception hall,
if I have the time.

Wow, you're really going
all out.

I'm fucking happy
that I got it right this time.

I want to celebrate it right.

It's all your fault.

You did this to me.

Sorry.

Better not be having
second thoughts.

No, it's too late.
I sold my furniture.

I talked to Will.

And?

And he's happy to be
my best man.

He, um, he's not that crazy
about wearing a tux.

What about your ex?

Actually, she said
she was happy for us.

Except the moving in part.

Well, we're gonna do
a full sweep of the house

with a metal detector,
right, Carl?

Yup, I'm gonna make sure
it's a demilitarized zone.

So Nikole's got nothing
to worry about.

[chimes ringing]

[Queenie]
Knock, knock.

Hi.

Just getting things ready

for the blessed day.

Ah, this is Fern, our midwife.

And she has delivered
dozens of babies.

I look forward
to guiding your child

on his journey out of your womb

into this beautiful world.

- Where's the bed?
- Oh.

Mother nature never intended us

to give birth on a mattress.

[Debbie]
Oh, what's that?

- Could use some Clorox.
- Oh, no.

We leave that there on purpose.

Afterbirth.

It connects each delivery
to the next,

like glorious links in a chain.

- [knocking]
- [Jupiter] Queenie?

Got a minute?

- Oh, yeah.
- You're leaving?

No, no, no, your baby is not
coming out anytime soon.

You're in wonderful hands.

We can use this
to time your contractions.

Ah, that's all right.

We'll just count out loud.

When is the last time
you delivered a baby?

'83, I think.

[door opens]

Hey.

Ah.
Thanks.

Yeah, yeah.
Of course.

It's, uh, my pleasure
to keep you barely functional.

- Here you go.
- What happened to your eye?

Oh, fuck, I wish I knew.

I, uh, went to a sorority party.

Had a few too many.

Jeez, you're up early.

What, it's too cold
to sleep in your car?

Ever had a dingleberry
you couldn't shake?

Tried baby wipes?

It's a metaphor.

Dennison's on my ass.
Midterm grades are due.

Yeah, I'm working on it.
Tell Dennison to chill out.

You don't tell the head
of the department to chill out.

You give her the midterm grades
by the end of the day.

All right.
I'll get them done.

What's that?

My paper's getting published
later today.

They requested a photo.

Holy shit.
That's you?

Other than a DUI mug shot,

it's the only recent picture
I could find.

Wow, you know, you actually look

like a respected member
of the academic community.

Have you prepared
for your internship interview?

Prepare? What? I got to sell
myself to work for free?

[sighs] Good internships
are hard to get.

Very competitive.

Nah, sounds like some
millennial,

Ivy League crap to me.

You're on scholarship.

You have a prestigious
teaching assistant position.

It's time to stop thinking
in terms of

what a job pays,
and start thinking in terms

of building a career.

In the meantime,
get your shit together.

And turn in my midterm grades
for my class.

So.

[indistinct restaurant chatter]

You two having sex?

- Dad!
- No, Mr. Winslow.

Sergeant Winslow.

Carl treats me with respect.

One time, when it was cold,

he gave me his jacket.

See?

Where'd you get the money
for that?

- Working.
- The corner?

I wash dishes here.

Dad, stop it.

You asked me to sit down
with the boy.

Give him a chance.

Okay.

Let's go.

Come on.

[sighs] I don't usually get
nervous before tests.

They tell you pretty fast
if you're positive or negative.

I'm not talking about HIV.

The EMT practical
this afternoon.

You serious?

[door opens]

Morning.
My name is Nurse Edmonds.

Have you been tested
for HIV before?

- No.
- I just poke your finger.

Take a little blood.

We get the results
while you wait.

I need to ask you
a few questions.

Approximately how many
sexual partners have you had?

Um...

It's hard to say.

Normally we discuss this
in private with the patient.

You want me to leave?

No problem.
I'll wait outside.

[door closes]

So, more than ten partners?

♪ funk music ♪

You working today, son?

No.

You can ride with me.

We'll get to know
each other better.

Sound good?

Mm, that sounds great.
Thanks, Dad.

Anything for my little girl.

♪

Call me.

♪

I'm gonna drive you around.

Make the girl happy,
but don't get any ideas.

I still think
you're a piece of shit.

♪

It's in here somewhere.

I didn't think your wedding
was gonna become

an annual tradition
like Thanksgiving.

I asked Lip and Ian
to walk me down the aisle.

The ink's barely dry
on your divorce.

Why are you giving me
a hard time?

I love you, but if you're
gonna change your mind, do it

before I shell out the money for
your bachelorette party tonight.

I'm not changing my mind.

And it wasn't my idea
to have it this early.

Look, I am not
showing up to your wedding

all bloated and
looking like shit.

I need time to recuperate.

Uh, weeks?

I plan on drinking a lot.

[gasps]
I found it.

Where did Monica get
the bread for a wedding dress?

This was back when her parents
had a little money.

And they approved
of the first wedding.

First?

She married Frank twice.

First time only lasted a week.

She locked him in the trunk
of the car.

Left him in the Kmart
parking lot for days.

Debs, we never talked
baby names.

- [knocks on tent]
- What do you think about

naming her after
your great-grandmother?

She was a vicious cunt, but

"Rose Gallagher" has a--
a ring to it,

don't you think?

What are you doing, Frank?

Checking on my daughter.

Oh, she's not in there.

We took her to
the birthing tent.

- Debs is in labor?
- Well, maybe.

But if she is, the baby won't
come for a day or two.

- Okay.
- All right.

Oh, and you've been challenged.

Come again?

Well, if there's a grievance
in the community,

we cut it right out
before it has a chance to grow.

- I'm not following.
- Okay.

When we try to avoid conflict,

anger comes out,
but when we face it head on,

we leave the anger there.

In the Pit.

The Pit?

♪ tribal drum music ♪

♪

I thought I'd seen some pretty
weird shit in my life.

Do you accept my challenge?

Um...

I guess.

♪

[horn bellows]

♪

[Debbie]
What was that?

A challenge.

Haven't had one of those
in a while.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

- Oh, negative.
- Good.

So how'd everything else
go in there?

Fine.

That's it?

Yeah, I got to go do
my EMT test now.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

♪

[Harmony] Brother Jupiter has
come with a grievance

against brother Frank.

After one of you taps out,

the grievance will be left
at the Pit.

What are the rules?

[Jupiter]
No rules.

[tribal drum music]

♪

[both grunting]

Aah!

[groans]

♪

Aah!

- I can't breathe!
- I know!

Aah!

- [gasps]
- Say "Uncle!"

[gasping]

Aah!

[both grunting]

Yeah!

- Aah! No! No! No!
- Oh, yeah!

Okay!
Aah!

- Aah! Aah!
- Say it!

Aah!
Uncle!

[laughing]

[cheering]

[laughs]
Yes!

[applause]

Man...

Who you waiting for, Kev?

This guy who says
he can keep Svetlana

from being deported,
so V doesn't have to marry her.

So you want to keep
the Russian girl from marrying V

'cause V's your fake wife?

Yeah, what's so hard
to understand about that?

Their marriage would be fake.

No, it'd be real.

So, you want to keep them
from getting real-married

because you're fake-married

and you want to get
real-married someday?

Yeah.

No--I don't know.

Stop making my head hurt.

It doesn't matter.
The point is,

is that the guy can get Svetlana
a new identity.

Where did you meet him?

Ever hear of the Internet?

I got a hooker
on the Internet once.

- Once?
- [chuckles]

The point is, one time
it wasn't a hooker.

It was a cop.

- No shit?
- I had no idea.

- [snickers]
- I didn't know

you were into black girls.

Oh, yeah.

V's number one in my spank bank.

You're beating your meat
to my wife?

Technically,
she's not your wife.

Shut up, Kermit!

♪ rock music ♪

- Oh, yeah!
- [moaning]

- Yeah, Moon! Oh, Yeah!
- Oh!

[both moaning]

Pound it!
Pound it!

Pound it!
Pound!

No!
Pound!

- [grunts]
- Yeah!

Oh!

♪

Thanks.

Hey.

I'm Phillip Gallagher.

- Come in.
- Hi.

You're, uh, Youens' TA.

Yeah. Yeah.
You--you're interviewing me?

Yeah.

I'm 25, but I can't
grow a beard for shit.

- Ah.
- Nowadays,

the younger you look,
the smarter they think you are.

What's your GPA?

Uh, 3.9.

Why not 4.0?

Uh, a teacher had it out for me

after I corrected her algorithm.

Uh, she called me obnoxious,

I called her a lazy fuck.

- Was she?
- She was coasting on tenure.

Oh, you won't have that problem
with us.

No one at Chapman cares
how many years you've put in.

Only what ideas you have.

- Great.
- Where'd you work last summer?

Uh, demolition.

Is that the name of a startup?

No, no, it's when you, uh,
take down a building and

you haul the pieces away.

Why aren't you going back?

Uh...

I guess it's just time to start

thinking in terms of my career.

You know, look, I could tell you

all about
wave function collapse,

but I'm--I'm sure
all you want to know is,

will I get your coffee
with a smile?

Not exactly coffee,
but definitely the crap work

no one else wants to do.

- Right.
- You willing to pay your dues?

Did I mention I hauled
slabs of concrete last summer?

♪ rock music ♪

I will be administering
your psychomotor,

or practical, test today.

You will be expected
to perform the following:

assessment and management
of a trauma patient,

bag-valve-mask ventilation
of an apneic patient,

spinal immobilization,
traction splinting,

bleeding control
and shock management,

upper airway adjuncts,
and suction.

♪

No one used to care
what happened here

before the yuppie money
started coming in.

Just shithead on shithead
violence.

If you were slinging drugs
back then,

5-0 wouldn't have given a crap.

I'm straight now.

- Oh, you think I'm stupid.
- No, sir.

Hmm.

How 'bout Mitt Romney, Junior,
there?

Think he's straight?

Let's find out.

Hey, Mr. Tea Party.

- Let me see your hands.
- What did I do?

Put both hands on the hood
of the car now.

[sighs]

What are we gonna do with you?
Hm?

Get the fuck out of here
before I change my mind.

You coming?

No offense, but I thought
you were a hand whore.

I use my hands for many things.

I just thought she could
save you some dough.

[gasps] Ooh, look,
you can walk down

an aisle of rose petals
for less than a grand.

I think the Four Seasons Maui
is right up your alley.

We haven't decided where
we're gonna tie the knot.

I want to do it right this time.

You don't need
a marriage license for that.

You just need a good man.

My marriage was to violent,
low-I.Q. homosexual.

I don't care.

Marriage is government
document only--green card.

Well, I don't want this wedding
to be like the last time.

In and out of the courthouse,

then a shift at the diner,
back to Gus's after,

eating leftovers--
we acted like our wedding

was no big deal.

Maybe that's why
the marriage didn't work out.

The marriage didn't work out

'cause you had
the hots for Sean.

A wedding should be special,

with friends and family there.

- Debbie?
- Yeah, of course.

Still hoping she'll
give the baby up.

Oh, you want to get rid
of the baby, give it to me.

I get top dollar for white baby
with no defects.

[gasping]
Is the baby coming soon?

Ooh, maybe by tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?
- Hey.

How's my little trooper?

I--I need drugs.
Get me drugs, please.

We don't do drugs--well,
at least not for childbirth.

M--maybe I should go
to a hospital.

All doctors care about
is cutting out babies

so that they can make it
to their golf game.

Got to let nature
take its course.

Aah!
Fuck nature!

Get this baby out of me!

[TV chatter]

- You Kevin?
- Who's asking?

I'm Damon.
From Craigslist.

How do I really know it's you?

I could show you
my license, I guess.

You must really think
I'm stupid.

What?

Like cops can't make
a fake license?

You think I'm a cop?

Are you?

No.

That's exactly
what a cop would say.

Do you want a fake identity
or not, man?

Okay, you seem cool.

Sweet.

I found three deceased people
whose identities could work.

- This is a dude.
- You said it was a rush job.

This chick died in 1977.

Svetlana's like 100 years
younger with great tits.

Okay, this last one might be
what you're looking for.

What kind of name is Fatima?

Egyptian, I think.

Russian, Egyptian?

Who's gonna know
the difference, right?

We got a deal?

Fatima.

[Moon]
Ooh! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, my God.
Moon.

You are insatiable.

My turn.

Well, after the way
he handled himself at the Pit,

I want a taste of
this fresh meat.

Hands off, Harmony.

Mm.

Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.

- Limp on in, dear.
- Oh.

Frank.

You will always be my Moon,

but you must allow another
to be my sun.

[sniffs]

[phone chimes]

[sniffles]

Oh, shit.

[sighs]

What the hell?

- Did you get my messages?
- Yeah, no, I just--

I'm in the middle of something.

I can do whatever you need
in a couple minutes.

What I need is for you
to leave immediately.

Sooner, if possible.

Um...wait, what?

You're fired, obviously.

No.
Why?

You really don't know?

No one else from the party
can forget.

The party?
No, I um...

I kind of blacked out.
I--

Not before you took
all the group sorority photos

off the wall and used a marker

to circle all the girls
that you slept with.

Fuck, I did that?

When I told you
you had to leave,

you, uh, decided
to mark your territory.

Mark my territory?

You peed on the carpet.

And then all the other
group photos.

All the way back to '98.

Oh, um...

Look, I...

I've had a really crappy
couple of weeks.

Okay, you know, and I was just
blowing off some steam.

I mean, I got dumped, I got
kicked out of my dorm room...

Yeah, the, uh, photos
weren't the final target

of your yellow tsunami.

Where else?

Not where.
Who.

I peed on you.

I'll be out in an hour.

- Yeah.
- [clears throat]

♪ rock music ♪

♪

Oh, and I told student
counseling about what happened.

They'll need to talk
to you today.

♪

You get some kind of kick
out of that?

Excuse me?

Stopping that guy with the rock.

Oh, you're asking me why
I jacked him up?

'Cause I want him to know.

Clean duds don't fool me.

I know who he is,
just like I know who you are.

I know you served time.

I know you think you're good
enough for my daughter.

I'm not good enough for her.
She's awesome.

I don't even know
why she likes me,

but as long as she does,

I'm gonna do whatever she asks.

Even if it means spending a day
with her asshole father.

[dispatcher]
Any available unit.

Stolen blue pickup going north
on South Langley

past East 67th.

A-57, show me handling.

[tires peeling out]

[siren wailing]

[both moaning]

Wanna--wanna flip over?

Oh, I--I can't do doggy style.

My bad leg.
I'll topple over.

[laughter]

Nay problemo.

Just don't stop doing what
you're doing to my balls.

Uh, balls?

[grunts]
Feels fantastic.

I'm not.

[chuckles]

Uh...

We share everything
on the commune.

[laughs]

[funky music]

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Aah!
- [grunts]

♪

♪ It goes hey ♪

♪ The war is on outside ♪

♪ This ain't a sound clash
turn it up high said hey ♪

♪ Fists up
toward the night sky ♪

♪ And light it up
with a battle cry ♪

♪ My people,
you hear the rain coming ♪

♪ You gotta stand fast
or just keep running ♪

♪ Hey, this life
is a long fight ♪

♪ Even when
the lightning strikes ♪

He's running.

Stay in the car.

A-57, in foot pursuit.

♪ Feel me cry
from your grace ♪

♪ Tears streak down my cheek ♪

♪ Every crease in my face
is a stroke of war paint ♪

♪ Just a battlefield
journalist ♪

♪ Capturing this picture of
a combat mission from a... ♪

Hey, stop!

♪ War against the inner that's
riddled with imperfection ♪

♪ My sword swung high
as the storm subsides ♪

♪ Yo, I was not made
just so I could decay ♪

♪ These songs aren't played
just so we can get paid ♪

Who the hell are you?

The law, motherfucker.

♪

You respond to a scene
where a victim has fallen

out of a third floor window.

Upon arrival, your patient

is lying supine in the street.

- This my only patient?
- It is.

Sir, can you hear me?

He appears unresponsive.
Is he breathing?

Yes.

Checking pulses.

- Checking carotid.
- Pulses are weak.

Okay, I'm going to do
a quick rapid trauma.

♪ exciting music ♪

♪

Suspect he may have
a spinal injury.

I'm going to grab c-spine.

Excellent.

♪

[indistinct radio chatter]

I told you to stay in the car.

Don't hit your head
on the way in, punk.

[radio chatter continues]

[Moon] He was pity-fucking you,
you gimp!

- Ladies!
- How dare you call me a gimp!

- You gimp!
- That's unbelievable!

- Come on, ladies--
- Hey!

We can barely hear ourselves
chanting in there.

What is going on?
What's the ruckus?

Uh, these two.

- Fighting over yours truly.
- Fighting over you?

I didn't realize
you hippie chicks

are tired of the same
five shriveled dicks

you've had
for the last 40 years.

I've hit the mother lode.

Well, the grandmother lode.

How's Debbie doing?

You laid with Moon and Harmony?

Hey, give her credit.

Osteoporosis doesn't
slow her down at all.

- And you were right--
- Aah!

Hey, easy!

What about free love and all
that "Rolling Stone" crap?

Frankie is mine!

Oh, Queenie,
nobody belongs to anybody!

- He is mine!
- All right, stop!

Stop!

[chicken clucks]

To the Pit.

Sean?

[Sean]
Upstairs.

[approaching footsteps]

You took down the slide.

Well, that wasn't a slide.

It was a death-defying
free fall.

Getting rid of the bar next.

So, I found
Monica's wedding dress.

I'm having it altered.

I think it might actually
turn out really pretty.

I know this sounds crazy,

but I kind of want
to get married

in a church.

Now we're talking.

[laughs softly]

St. Katherine's gets you hot?

If you're in nothing but that.

Don't get any ideas.

I'm changing for
the bachelorette party.

You got more time
before you got to go.

No sex before the wedding.

Ah, no, I c--

couldn't possibly
have heard that right.

It's tradition.

Yeah, so's the bride
being a virgin.

Gus and I got married

after a crazy,
intense sex bender.

Pretty sure I didn't
need to know that part.

This time's gonna be different.

But, look, if you want

all the wedding hoopla,
you got it.

But...

our marriage is gonna be

different than the other one.

Because it's us.

Did you say all that just 'cause
you want to get laid?

No.
No, but, uh...

did it improve my chances?

- Yes, it did.
- Mm-mm. Mm-mm!

You got to be--are you...

- [door closes]
- Shittin' me?

[sighs]

Hi, Phillip.

- I'm Yvonne.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

Uh, look, could we, uh,
get this over with

so I can go find
someplace to live?

[chuckles]

Um, how often
do you drink, Phillip?

Is this about the other night?

You violated the school's
alcohol policy.

Sorry, the school has
an alcohol policy?

Yeah, and we take it seriously.

Okay, you do realize
that the majority of students

on this campus drink so much

they could major in beer pong?

We're not talking
about everyone else.

There are even houses
students can join

for the express purpose
of getting shitfaced.

They, uh, have Greek letters
above the door.

We're here to talk
about your problem.

I-I don't have a problem.

You were in the ER.

I overdid it.

Once.

Look, I-I've been drinking
since I was ten.

Since you were ten?

Uh, why are you
writing that down?

And what drove you to drink
when you were ten?

- Was it problems at home?
- Jesus fucking Christ.

Look, I-I have midterms
to grade, okay?

Okay, when a student violates
the school alcohol policy,

he is required to
attend counseling,

both one-on-one
and group sessions

with other student
alcohol abusers.

Okay, I'll check my schedule.

It's mandatory.

Or what?

Expulsion.

Aah!
My back is killing me!

How much longer?

Oh, only
the Mother Goddess knows.

I think this was a mistake,
coming here.

Oh, nonsense.

Once we get this water boiling,

we can sterilize the tools.

Those look a little...medieval.

Uh, uh, uh--never let me down.

Got my cervical dilator,

my forceps,

- my hook.
- Your hook?

In case I need
to break your water.

Is there anything we can do
to speed this up?

Well, sometimes
a baby comes faster

when the nipples are stimulated.

[knuckles crack]

Unbutton your top.

[door opens]

Hey.

I need to crash here tonight.

You have the midterm grades?

[sighs]
Can I sleep here or not?

No.
It's my office.

Where are my midterm grades?

Look, I'm sorry I didn't have
time to finish your work.

I was busy getting fired,
kicked out of my room,

and forced to write
a ten-page essay

on the dangers of drinking.

The department pays me
to teach and grade students.

Yeah, well maybe they should
be paying me,

since I'm the one doing it.

You're two or three advanced
degrees away from that.

Give me the midterms.
I'll do it myself.

Did you hear
what I just went through?

Heard.
Don't care.

Why are you being such a dick?

Look, we've knocked back a few.

But you've forgotten
I'm your boss.

I expect you to do your job.

So I should thank you
for ripping me off?

Excuse me?

I read the paper
you got published.

Nice job stealing my ideas
about complex wave functions.

[snorts]
I gave you credit.

Yeah, as one of your
research assistants.

When I was at Yale, I wrote
half of Jesnick's theories

on non-Newtonian fluids.
It benefited both of us.

You're taking a shit in my mouth

and saying you bought me dinner!

- It's the way it works!
- It's fucking bullshit!

Look, you realize you're
speaking to the one person

who wasn't fired you
in the last few hours, right?

Is that supposed to be a threat?

You're smart, Lip,
but grow the fuck up.

What, like you?

What, a drunk has-been,

coasting on
an outdated reputation,

thriving off of
other peoples' work?

Fuck.

No wonder your kid
wants nothing to do with you.

[exhales sharply]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh-oh!

Voila, ladies.

[laughing]

Uh-uh.
Said you wanted traditional.

I don't want a hairy ass
in my face.

Speak for yourself.

That guy's got bacne.

Not exactly Magic Mike.

I'm not picky.

This is what I planned,
so this is what we're doing.

It's gonna be epic.

Shots.
Pueblo Viejo.

Hey, give this to owner.

What's that for?

For special price,

owner lets us do special show.

What's a special show?

Oh, you'll see.

- Bottoms up, ladies.
- Whoo-hoo!

[whispers] Daddy. Daddy.

Hey, hey, I wanted to see you,

but the neonatal Nazis
wouldn't let me.

Shh!
Don't wake Queenie.

After the beating she gave

those two broads at the Pit,

I'm not poking that bear.

How you feeling?

Dad, uh, I want to leave.

Before my next contraction hits.

What?

This place is paradise.

The midwife doesn't remember

what half of her instruments
are for.

And the ones she does remember

look like torture devices.

And she spent the last hour
stimulating my nipples.

I'm tired.

My genitals haven't
pulled a triple shift

since the '94
Puerto Rican Day parade.

No, Daddy, please.

I'm scared.

I want to go home.

[announcer] Ladies, we have
a bachelorette

in the house tonight.

Our first dance is for

the future Mrs. Fiona Pierce.

Ladies, make some noise!

[laughter]

♪ hip-hop music ♪

[Veronica]
Yes, baby!

[all cheering]

♪

[cheering]

[screaming]

♪

[Fiona] Oh.

[all gasping]

[Kermit]
What?

You said we were all doing
the full Monty.

[screaming]

[applause]

[sighs]

I was hoping somebody
would shoot you today.

Save myself a lot of trouble.

But I guess I was wrong
about you, Carl.

Really?

Fuck no.

You think tackling some punk
is gonna change anything?

I still hate
all 115 pounds of you.

I'm gonna be watching you
like a drone.

And if I find out you've been
fucking my daughter,

I'm gonna take you out.

[Carl] Thanks for the ride,
Sergeant Winslow.

- Hey.
- [car door closes]

What the hell's all that about?

I think I want to be a cop.

[siren chirps]

[Kermit]
I got it pierced years ago.

- Did it hurt?
- Nuh-uh.

[cheering]

Oh, thank you, thank you.

But I'm not actually a stripper.

Shut up.
Take the cash.

Nice moves, babe.
You deserve this.

- Mmm.
- Whoo!

- Yeah!
- Thank you.

I've never dranken
from a penis before.

[laughter]

Lana and I have news.

No, no.
Fatima.

- What?
- That's her new name.

She's Egyptian now.

As-salaam alaikum.

How much you pay
for this piece of shit?

Why, what's wrong with it?

- It's got ten numbers.
- Is that bad?

Social Security numbers
have nine.

Oh, fuck me.
Guy scammed me.

All right,
I'll get a better one.

Just give me some time.

- Already fixed.
- What do you mean?

We took care of it.

- How?
- Courthouse this afternoon.

In and out and hitched.

- What?
- You got married?

Like fast food drive-thru.
McLesbian wedding.

You didn't say anything.

Not a big deal.

That's not the point.

You went behind my back.

It's just a piece of paper.

♪ hip-hop music ♪

[Debbie screaming]

Contractions are only
three minutes apart.

- Are you sure?
- [Debbie] Yes!

Oh!
[screams]

Well squeeze your legs together!

[screaming]

[tool powers down]

I aced the test.

Congratulations.

And then I get the paperwork
to get certified.

"Have you ever spent any time
in a mental institution

or been treated
for mental illness?"

You fucking believe that?

I get a perfect score
on my test,

and they want to keep me
from being an EMT

because I--I--I fucking...

I spent a few days
in an inpatient program.

Lie.

What?

It's none of their
goddamn business.

You--you want me
to lie to them?

Sign it and send it in.

Really?

Why not?

Well, you were pissed at me
this morning

'cause I didn't want to tell you
my sexual history.

I was.

So you want me to lie to them
but not to you?

Yeah.

You don't see a problem
with that?

They're not sucking your dick.

It's a job.

Your mental health
is none of their business.

Were you worried
I was gonna freak

on how many guys
you've been with?

I'm a good-looking fireman.

Son, I'll go toe-to-toe
with your number

any day of the week.

I told the nurse I have no idea

how many guys I've been with.

I danced in a strip club,

and I worked the back of
the house as much as the front.

All right.

Okay.

I did a porn movie.

You did a porn?

Bareback.

Got it.

Give me that.

[sighs]

Fuck 'em.
Sign it.

We'll drop it in the mail
on the way to Carmadelle's.

I made a reservation.

Told 'em to put
some champagne on ice.

I knew you were gonna
ace that shit.

[laughs softly]

[Frank grunts]

I'm coming.

[Debbie]
Aah.

Aah!
Oh!

'Ere you go.

Frank, you're the only one

who's ever been there for me.

Taking me to doctor's
appointments,

making sure I always have
a roof over my head.

Bringing me home.

You're carrying on
a family tradition

having your baby here.

All my kids
were born in that house.

Almost all of 'em survived.

I'll cut the cord.

- [Debbie] Hey!
- Okay. Come on.

[Cortez] Shouldn't have fucked
with G-Dogg.

[Debbie]
What are you doing? Hey!

Gentlemen, I know

we can figure something out.

- Ah, you don't need to do that.
- Let's go.

It's pretty dramatic.
Don't you think?

[Debbie] Wait,
where are you taking him?

Where are you going?

♪ rock music ♪

Hey.

Dad!

Frank!

♪

Aah.

Oh!

- [liquid trickling]
- My water.

Help!

Somebody help me!

- Lay down, lay down.
- All right, all right.

I'll go get my truck so we can
go to the hospital.

- No! No hospitals!
- We don't have time to argue.

- Aah!
- No shit, this baby is coming.

- Now?
- She's crowning.

- Oh.
- What the fuck are you doing?

- I capture moment.
- Quick, who delivered Liam?

Monica. She was high.
He slid right out.

Go get Sylvia from down
the block, she's a nurse.

No good.
She's at Cook County.

I thought she worked at Rush.

No, Cook County
Department of Corrections.

She shot her husband.

- You worked at a nursing home.
- Changing bedpans.

I never delivered a damn baby!

[Frank] My daughter's having
a baby, you animals!

I don't mean--
not "animals" like

jungle animals--
it's not a race thing.

I--come on.

I don't have a racist bone
in my body.

Why are there blankets
on the walls?

That's an excellent question.

You know, people think
that the best way to trap sound

is foam, but that's
a misconception, dawg.

Foam prevents echo,
but it don't stop noise.

You're looking at nine layers
of 5/8 sheetrock,

plus the best fiberglass
money can buy.

Home Depot.

That's my jam.

♪ tense music ♪

Final touch, thick blankets,

which are
surprisingly effective.

At what?

Making sure no one
hears you screaming.

Oh, come on.

You don't have to do that.

Please.

3,500 degrees.

Burns fingers right off.

I'll get the money.
I will get the money.

Somehow, I'll do it, I'll make
it right with your boss.

I'll make it right.

I can make it right--
come on, come on!

Okay, hold on!

I can get opium!

♪

A lot of it.

♪

[screaming]

Is she gonna have the baby
on the table?

All right, ambulance
is on its way.

- [Lip] It says we need towels.
- [Fiona] Already got 'em.

Okay, okay, so put 'em under
to catch all the...

- [Debbie screaming]
- Fuck, just put 'em under!

- Shit.
- It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.
I'm right here.

When I was having my girls,
the doc told me to do

three quick pants and then
one long blow, okay?

[breathing]

I'm gonna do it with you, okay?

[breathing]

[moaning]

We're gonna start
pushing now, okay?

- All right?
- [Debbie screaming]

- All right.
- And push!

- [screaming]
- Push, push, push.

- Push! Push, baby. Push!
- [screaming]

- [screaming]
- Keep pushing!

Keep pushing!

[screaming]

[Veronica]
Open your legs, babe.

♪ rock music ♪

Which way?

Over there.

You try to run,
I'll break your legs.

[Debbie] Is the baby okay?

Yeah.
She's great.

[baby cooing]

[gasps]
She?

♪ stirring music ♪

Oh.

You did amazing, Debs.

Oh, my God.

My daughter.

She's so big.

Hi, Frances.

Do you recognize my voice?

Frances?

After her grandfather.

Frank?

♪

She's so beautiful.

Thank you.

[baby whines]

♪

All right.
All right.

See?

I told you.

It's fucking beautiful.

Wait, where's--
where's the opium at?

It's he--it's right here.

What the fuck are we supposed
to do with plants?

Where do you think
opium comes from?

I never made the shit.

Well, you got to harvest it.

[shotgun racking]

Get the fuck
out of my warehouse!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
put the gun down,

you grizzled-ass bitch!

[Jupiter]
You don't want to do this.

You're trespassing.

Where's the opium, old man?

You punks don't scare me.
I was at Khe Sanh.

Where's the fucking opium?

Don't do it.

♪ rock music ♪

[gunfire]

♪

Frank!

♪

We'll take her to Rush.

We'll be right behind you, Debs.

- I'm coming too.
- Uh, no. That's okay.

You don't want me to come?

I-I do, but you were right.

I need to do this on my own.

- Debbie, I--
- It's just me.

Excuse me, miss.

[stirring music]

♪