Shameless (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Like Father, Like Daughter - full transcript

I was here last week.
Where the fuck were you?

- My liver is finally giving up.
- What do we do?

Nothing we can do, unless somebody
wants to give me their liver.

Stan gave me the bar.

Why would you want it?
Have you looked at the books lately?

Someone from your family
can donate a portion of their liver.

Why don't you find out
if they're a match with your father?

I need you to test this.

- Take a look.
- Two babies?

Nope. Three.

Triplets! I got a magic penis, man.

Okay, who has read ahead
to chapter seven?

- I'm only 13.
- Okay. Cool.

He's dying.

He drank through the liver
that he had and he wrecked it.

And now he wants to wreck mine.

- No. No way.
- It's okay, son.

If Fiona won't do it,
I'll get my other daughter to.

Debbie's too young.

My oldest daughter, Samantha.

What?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- (CHUCKLING)

That's the last time I let you
choose the tunes in the morning.

Yeah, you just keep acting
like you hate British boy bands.

- I think it's adorable.
- Everybody hates them.

I'm sorry
I'm not a 12-year-old girl.

Yeah, well,
I usually don't go lower than 14.

And, you know, next time
we can listen to your gangsta rap.

Since when is Kanye
considered gangsta rap?

Since always.
Where'd you learn music? Mars?

- Your mom. Last time I banged her.
- Oh, yeah?

That makes a lot more sense.
She has awful taste.

Hey, you know, you can leave
some of that stuff here if you want.

- What stuff?
- Make-up, underwear, shampoo.

Oh, wow, this is serious.

- Work outfit or two, just stuff.
- I'll think about it.

- Or I could just stay at your place.
- (SIGHS)

- We talked about this.
- We have not.

No, we have not talked about this.
You always say: "It's complicated."

- It's very complicated.
- Well, try me.

Okay.

My father,
who now lives with us again,

drank himself into liver failure,

and is trolling his children
for a new liver.

Including an older daughter
that none of us knew about.

- You have another sister?
- I probably have 20.

Just when I think
I've peeled the onion on Frank.

- Bam! Another layer.
- Right.

The upside is, I'm getting real good
at not giving a shit.

Well, sounds to me
like maybe you do give a shit.

Get your hearing tested.
Can I use your toothbrush?

- Gross. Yes.
- Thank you.

Oh, hey, don't forget,
dinner at my parents' place tonight.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (LIAM CRYING)

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I'm so sorry. Hold on.

- SHEILA: Hi, Fiona.
- Is that Liam screaming?

Well, yes.

Yes, I was just clipping his nails.

And I just nicked him a little bit.
I'm out of practice.

- Is he okay?
- Yes, he's fine. He's totally fine.

How's Debbie and Carl?
I feel I haven't seen them forever.

Carl just left for school
and Debbie is getting ready.

And she's been teaching me
how to use my new iPad.

I found this genealogy app.

And it turns out
I'm 132nd Menominee Indian.

Huh. Who knew?

Is that a dating site?

SHEILA: Well, yes, it is.
And it turns out there's 11

Christian dating sites.

There's a lot of eligible bachelors
in my neighborhood.

And they all seem mostly normal.

Well, I will be home
right after work.

Thanks again
for watching the kids overnight.

- I hate leaving them.
- Oh...

It's no problem. It's been so fun.

Have a good day, okay?

Hey, sweetie. It's freezing outside.

I'll be indoors. Breakfast?

Well, there wasn't any eggs,
or milk, or bread.

- I'm starving.
- I'm sorry. Um...

Can you pick up something
on the way to school,

like a an Egg McMuffin or something?

I gave Carl some money

so he could buy some groceries
after school.

- (IPAD CHIMES)
- Ooh.

- What was that?
- That was a...

Oh, wow, I got poked. I got poked.

I got poked by the American-Indian
that I poked yesterday.

- What do we do?
- "We have a lot in common.

I am full-blooded Kickapoo Indian.

I love laughter, food,
scenic views, and the Lord.

- Let's talk."
- (GASPS) Now what?

Uh, ask him if he's DTF.

DTF. What does that even mean? Okay.

I got to ask him if he's DTF.

- Oh, God.
- You okay, Dad?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'm fit as a fiddle.

Except I ran out of Perky-Cs
last night.

Is there anything I could do?

Get more.

Is that her?

So that's my daughter.

Wow, she's kind of beautiful.

- Looks like you in skank form.
- Thank you, son.

- Does that make me an uncle?
- Yes, indeed.

- Now what?
- Well...

I give her a taste
of the old Gallagher magic.

You... You got any cash?

Sheila gave me $40 for groceries.

Well, hand it over. I need weed.

Son, I can hardly walk.
I think ambulation takes precedence.

What will we eat now?

Well, you're a bright kid.
You'll figure out something.

All right. Here.

There's enough for bread and TP.

Shoo.
Get hard drugs.

Make Daddy proud.

- You can't be serious.
- I set my alarm for six a.m.

An excuse is the refuge
of a moral coward.

I got three hours of sleep.
I was up studying for Econ.

So did every other jerk
on morning shift.

- It's work-study, not study-work.
- I'm trying, asshole, alright?

- Cut me some slack.
- (CHUCKLING)

Try harder.
Walnut and raisin, dishes are empty.

Steam table is covered in syrup.
Clean that up, make a new batch.

And lose the 'tude, dude.

V: This one looks like Kev.

This one looks like me.

And this one either looks like
my cousin Troy or Marvin Gaye.

Yeah, I just came here
for the painkillers.

Uh-uh. If you think
I'm gonna load you up

on my hard-won,
top-shelf pharmaceuticals pro bono,

you are one fry short
of a happy meal.

No freebies,
not for you, not for anyone.

- You're charging me for drugs now?
- Honey, we are in survival mode.

- What happened to ghetto nurse?
- She became a capitalist.

I could sell for you.
Big market for Oxy in middle school.

No. Vamoose.

I got to get ready
and go to the bar. Go.

Bye!

Wow, you're in bad shape.

Well, tell me something
I don't know.

- Could I see your card?
- Yes. It's legit, too.

Not like these whiners.

Are you looking
for anything specific?

Yeah. Something to make me not feel
like I'm being stabbed repeatedly

by a small army
of knife-wielding Neo-Nazis.

Well, we have Irene Kush
for chronic arthritis.

Sour Diesel for anxiety
and panic attacks.

Big Buddha Cheese for muscle spasms.

What about for fatal liver damage?

We don't recommend bud
for cirrhosis.

Studies show a higher rate
of moderate to severe fibrosis,

- or tissue scarring, in regular...
- Okay, fine.

Let's skip the FDA warning.
Give me an ounce of the Buddha.

And a med-ibles menu.

And some samples. Free samples.

I... Um...

This'll get you, like, an eighth
of low-grade schwag and two cookies.

Sold.

And he does this little wheeze thing
when he's thinking.

Kind of like a little... Hm.

And he doesn't like sports,
and I don't like sports.

And he used to play the trumpet
in marching band,

but he dropped out
when his valve button broke.

And he has this enormous collection
of vintage T-shirts.

I feel like...
I don't know. I don't know.

Like you love him?

Like I really like him.
I don't know.

I feel my heart hurts
when I think of him.

- So when do you plan on doing it?
- Um... Soon?

- What are you even waiting for?
- He hasn't asked yet.

If you're in like with him,
then why not just do it?

Okay.

And if it hurts, don't squeal.
Huge turn-off for guys.

Make sure you pee right afterwards,
so you don't get an STD.

And when you cuddle afterwards,
let him be the big spoon.

- But how do I start?
- When he's not expecting it.

Bam, you drop trou
and expos-ay some sex-ay.

Yeah, boys go cray over that stuff.

I don't own any sexy undies.

Homegirl,
have you seen my underwear drawer?

Hey. Get that link I just sent?

- What is this?
- It's the local Al-Anon chapter.

- What am I supposed to do with it?
- Nothing.

But you could use it to find
a local meeting if you wanted to.

See, it got us through
some pretty rough moments.

- "Us?"
- Yeah. My whole family.

- Your whole family went to meetings?
- My whole family went to meetings.

Sure. It helps to talk to people
in similar situations, you know?

- So talking solved your problems?
- Didn't say that.

You deal with your family shit
your way,

and I will deal with mine my way,
which is not dealing with it at all.

Okay. Well, if that works so well,
then why can't I stay at your place?

- Well played.
- Don't make me out to be a nag.

I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm just telling you what we did.

So take it or leave it.

I'll drop a couple of duffel bags

full of clothing and toiletries
at your place tomorrow, okay?

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- This all you got?
- Nope.

Got a tight roll of quarters
behind my fly with your name on it.

- If you play your cards right.
- That your kid?

Yep. Not afraid to knock a bitch up.
You game?

Please stop talking.

Groceries have been gotten.
Now all I need is drug money.

Any ideas?

- Could sell you.
- Doggy.

Doggy.

RON: Whoa!
Slow your roll, Hairnet.

Do you want some lunch, dude?
Hot Pockets?

AMANDA: We only have two.

No, you know what? I'm good.
I'm gonna be late for philosophy.

- You gonna shower?
- What? Do I need one?

(SCOFFS) Yes.

No. I'm just gonna spray some Axe
and hope everybody stays upwind.

Um, hey could I use
your laptop tonight?

The computer at the library
got hijacked

by a 24-hour Starcraft tournament.

You know, I really need to work
on my paper for philosophy.

Sure, but why don't you just get
one of those cheap-ass

little Acer Chromebooks?

- What the hell is Chromebook?
- Low-end computer, no frills.

- Yeah? How much?
- Refurbs are only about two hundy.

200. Sure, right after I buy
that Mercedes GT I've had my eye on.

Good.

Hey!

Lavender. That's refreshing.
All right, well...

- All right, see you. Bye.
- RON: See you, dude.

But before we delve
too deeply into...

...into Foucault
and the problems of modernity,

let me remind you
that hard-copies of your papers,

are due tomorrow
in my mailbox at nine a.m.

Not 9:20, not 9:07.

PROFESSOR: Good.

Michel Foucault was
a French historian and philosopher,

associated with the structuralist,

and post-structuralist movements.

He's had quite a strong influence
on a wide range of humanistic,

and social scientific...

(MUTTERING)

Thank you.

...disciplines.

He joined the French Communist Party
from 1950 to 1953.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
You see Mr. Pudgy over on the bench?

Yeah.

I'll give you a joint
to smack him around a little bit.

Here. Grade-A,
government-approved weed.

Wait for my nod. Hey, hey.

Don't get too rough with him.
That's my grandson.

- Hey. Get away from that kid.
- SAMANTHA: What the fuck?

What's the matter with you?
Okay. Go.

Here you go, kid. Get up.

Oh, my God!
Baby, are you okay?

- He hit me. What did I do?
- Come on. Sit down right here.

God! Thank you so much.

I guess some kids
are just assholes, huh?

Do you have a child who goes here?

No, no, no. I was just walking by.

I volunteer at the VA hospital
down the street,

helping out wounded warriors.

Not everyone would've stopped.
You could've been hurt.

Yeah, well, I guess
I'm just allergic to injustice. Whoa...

- Whoa! Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I skipped lunch today.
I'm just a little bit dizzy.

We were just gonna head out
for some fish and chips.

- Would you join us?
- No. No, I couldn't.

Please.
Let me buy you some cheese fries.

It's the least I can do.

Well...

Hey, family.
Did you miss me last night?

Because I missed you.

- Is that your boyfriend?
- Yeah.

What's his name?

Huh?

- Your boyfriend. What's his name?
- Matty.

- Someone in your class?
- Mm-hm.

I remember my first boyfriend,
Louie Velba.

I caught him jamming his tongue down
Kerri Strauss' throat in chemistry.

So I lit her hair on fire
with a Bunsen burner.

Hi, guys.

- Still pissed?
- Still hoarding your liver?

Yes. How was school today?

Did you perform surgery
on anything small or dead?

(DOG WHIMPERING, BARKING)

Sweet doggie. Where'd you get him?

Well, I'm gonna keep trying, kiddo.
So might as well get used to it.

Where's Sheila?

(SHEILA HUMMING)

- (KNOCKING)
- (SCREAMING)

You frightened me. I'm sorry.

I thought you were going out
to dinner tonight.

I am. What are you doing?

I was looking for a scarf, sweater
or something provocative,

because Roger Runningtree
wants a full-body shot.

- I'm sorry. I should've asked first.
- No, no. That's okay.

Go on, take whatever you want.
I'm sorry to duck out again.

It's just I promised Mike weeks ago
that I'd...

Seriously. Seriously, it is so fine.
We're having a wonderful time.

Yeah, I just try not to be gone
two nights in a row.

Speaking of which, if you need me
to stay another night,

how would you feel
about me having a friend over?

- Roger Runningtree?
- Well, I'm a woman with needs.

As long as he doesn't steal our food
or piss on our sofa.

Fiona, he's a Christian.

- So was Jeffrey Dahmer.
- Really?

I'll be back before bedtime.
Call if you need anything.

Okay, okay. Have fun.

SAMANTHA: So we'd make these little
videos on his phone, right?

Thought it was just for our own
personal use or whatever.

Then one day,

I'm at the Stop 'N' Shop,
digging around for my stamps,

this craggy fellow keeps
looking at me like he knows me.

Never seen him before.

- Goes, "You're so familiar."
- Oh, no.

Finally... (MIMICS THUNDER)
...lightning bolt.

YouPorn. My Skank, Slutty Wife
Loves to Get Armpit Fucked.

- No.
- Can you believe that shit?

I didn't even mind
the "Skank, Slutty" part.

I was just pissed he said
I liked taking it in the armpit.

- Who likes that?
- No one.

I did it as a favor.

Anyway, he was out on his ass
the next morning.

Filed for divorce that afternoon.
Clerk was like, "Back again?"

- This is husband number three?
- Yup.

Third time was not a charm.
Right, Chuckie?

You seem pretty upbeat, considering.

Well, I guess
I'd rather live and learn than...

Not live at all.

Yes! Exactly.

- You've had a rough time of it.
- Yeah, I guess.

- Surprised I haven't scared you off.
- I don't scare that easily.

You have barely touched your fries.

Are you sure
I can't buy you another beer?

I don't really drink.

You might be the first man
that's ever said that to me.

(STAMMERING) Whoa!

This is butterscotch.

We asked for chocolate.
I can't eat butterscotch.

- You allergic?
- No. I just hate it.

Me too. That and avocados.

(BOTH GROAN)

Avocados are the worst.

And squirrels.

- Tree rats! Hideous!
- Hideous!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, baby.
Go play some pinball, okay?

- Is he autistic?
- No, he's just quiet.

Very deep, old soul.

So tell me about you.

Well, not really much to tell.
I'm kind of a simple guy.

Have kids?

Uh...

Many. At least 50.

I stack them like coasters
in a drawer.

(LAUGHING)

Why are you so funny?

I'm high as a kite?

- (LAUGHING)
- Ah...

What a great laugh.

- Are you free tomorrow afternoon?
- Should be. Why?

Chuckie's got a dodgeball game.
I'd love some company in the stands.

I know it looks like
Nancy did all the work.

But washing all this lettuce?
Serious labor.

Your lady sure knows her way
around a cucumber.

Whoa, Mom!

Maybe choose another vegetable
next time.

- Okay. Jane, would you say grace?
- Sure.

Boys?

Bless us, O Lord, and these gifts

which we're about to
receive from thy bounty.

- In Christ's name, Amen.
- ALL: Amen.

MIKE: All right. All right. Dig in.

- Look at all you bougie bastards.
- ALL: Robbie!

- How you doing?
- Oh, my God.

(GASPING, LAUGHING)

- You look great.
- Thank you.

- You are late.
- I got to keep up my reputation.

- Hey, Robbie, when did you get back?
- This afternoon.

- WOMAN: I have no idea.
- Hey, this is Fiona.

Fiona, I'd love you to meet
my older brother, Robbie.

He's been off
in the wilds of Minnesota.

Some buddies, you're camping
for like a few months, right?

You can be honest, Mike.
Got nothing to hide.

I was at a renewal retreat
at my old rehab centre.

Three years sober this Monday.
With a couple detours.

- Congrats.
- Oh, yeah. Cheers.

- (GLASSES CLINKING)
- Thank you.

- So how was it?
- It's unreal out there.

The air, the stars.
And we went snowmobiling.

Guys, I took a couple wicked spills
and brought you back a souvenir.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

- You get better at that!
- Not at the table.

- Well, you look great.
- I feel great.

- That's really great, Robbie.
- Yeah. That's excellent. Thank you.

So I was thinking about going up
to the lake house this weekend.

Me and Pete need to lay down tracks
and need some peace to do it.

- No one is up there, are they?
- Robbie, we talked about this.

We don't want you up there without
someone else from the family.

- Yeah, I thought that was the past.
- No, it's just...

Well, might be too soon.

Well, what am I gonna steal,
your old waders?

There's nothing up there to sell.

- Wait. There's that ten-year-old TV.
- MIKE: Hey, man.

Give yourself a couple of weeks.
Settle in, see how things go.

- Who asked you, Mike?
- Hey, hey. Knock it off.

- Whoa, whoa...
- Wow, it's not unreasonable.

I forgot how reasonable
everyone around here is. My bad.

No one is out
to hurt you sweetheart.

No one is out to help me either.

Dad footing the $20,000 rehab bill
wasn't help enough.

- Fuck off, Mike!
- Hey! Easy.

Everyone here has done nothing
but try to help you, so...

I'm gonna pay him back.
So don't you worry about it, ok?

Well, that's not the point, Robbie.
And you know it.

Ah!

Okay. All right.

- Robbie, sit.
- MOM: Oh, honey.

- Mom? Thank you for dinner.
- Honey, I wish you'd stay.

Oscar and Nate,
catch you punks later.

Nice meeting you, Fiona.

(SIGHS)

- Nice.
- Are you serious?

I'm sorry. My brother.
He's got some issues to work out.

Family chaos is my status quo.

- Pass the potatoes?
- JANE: Oh, yeah. Here.

Careful, it's heavy.

Now we got to pay to take a leak?

There's always the alley

if you don't mind
freezing your nuts off.

We're already dishing out more
for booze.

Our piss should be free.

It's a quarter, consider it payback
for the tips you don't leave.

How hard up is this place anyway?

Yeah, you're lucky I don't
charge you people for toilet paper.

You use too much.
All you need is three sheets.

One up, one down, one to polish.

What are you polishing?

Never mind. Watch the bar.
I got to go puke.

Can you please aim
for the drain this time?

- How doesn't she doesn't pay?
- Employees puke for free.

I like fucking carrot-tops.

With the freckles and the pale skin
and fucking alien-looking.

Well, you might be in luck.

- Why don't you buy her a beverage?
- I don't need to.

- Hey, you want to bang?
- Do I look busy?

Listen up!
I got Oxy, Vicodin, Percocet!

Xanax, Adderall,
morphine and Valium!

Five bucks a pill,
less if you buy in bulk.

Seems kind of steep, don't it?

Not if I wanna buy myself
a hospital-grade pump.

I need something
with strong suction.

These puppies got to feed four.

Four?
What, Carol can't feed her own?

You mean the one
we asked her to abort?

I'll let you know when she starts
speaking to me again.

MAN: All right, give me four Xanies
and a Valium, glass of water, huh?

$26.

- Hey, five pills at $5 is $25.
- Water's a buck.

(WOMAN GRUNTING)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna come! Yeah!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SIGHING, CHUCKLING)

Done. (LAUGHS)
Woo!

You wanna finish?

- Switch positions.
- What?

Just do it.

- Grab my hips. Pound my ass.
- With what?

Your fucking hip bones. Jesus.

Yeah, huh? You like it like that?

Yeah? You like it like that?
Huh? Huh? Yeah.

Evening, spawn.

- Where's the blender?
- It's right... It's right here, Frank.

SHEILA: Oh...

Oh, God.

God, no. Don't do that, Frank.

(BLENDER WHIRRING)

SHEILA: No, no.
No, don't do it.

Oh, Jesus.

And I keep getting pictures of men
in their underpants with bulges.

I have no idea what DTF meant.

Holly says it a lot.
I'm not sure what it stands for.

- (IPAD CHIMING)
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, kid! How's higher learning?

Well, I'm not high,
but I might be learning.

- FIONA: Sounds like progress.
- DEBBIE: Hi, Lip.

Debbie says "hi".
She's doing homework.

- Oh, yeah? What class?
- Chemistry. Mr. Lister.

Holy shit.
The guy with the oxygen tank?

- He's still alive?
- Barely.

And Carl would say "hi",
but he's getting his dog drunk.

- Wait, Carl has a dog?
- Yeah, some stray he brought home.

Um, hey, listen,
are you guys using the laptop?

I kind of need it for class.

Well, Debbie uses it for school,
and Carl uses it for porn.

- Can you borrow one from over there?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem.

Hey. You okay?

Uh...

I could be better.
You know, it's...

I'm a little... It's...

- Different?
- Different, yeah.

- Yeah, you too?
- God, yes.

I put on pencil skirts every morning
and I'm like, "Who are you?"

Sounds like progress.

Yeah, the Gallaghers
moving up the food chain.

- Yeah, one rusty link at a time.
- (DISTANT LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

- Ah, you're missing your party.
- No, no, no. It's okay.

No, no. Go have fun.
We miss you.

ALL: We miss you!
We miss you!

- AMANDA: Come on. (LAUGHING)
- RON: I'm sorry.

- AMANDA: You're...
- RON: I'm sorry.

AMANDA: I'm falling
off the bed right now.

(SPRINGS BOUNCING)

Hey, so I invited my brother out
to dinner with us tonight.

I feel so bad about what happened
last night, so...

Well, it seems like you guys have
some stuff you need to work out.

Yeah, yeah.

He just pushes my buttons, you know?
I got to find a way to react.

Right. Why not have your dad
throw another 20 grand

at his problems
and hope they go away?

Ouch!

Dude, my house
isn't even worth that much.

Ok, well, what's the alternative?
I just slam the door on him?

- Why not?
- He's family.

You know, this one time, I was
getting the crap kicked out of me.

Robbie sees it, storms over,
he grabs both kids by the hair,

hurls them into a snow bank,
knocks them senseless.

- Jesus.
- I know.

Yeah, he was my protector for years.
I don't mind being his for a while.

Hey, listen, I need to take off
a little early today.

I was up all night
working on my philosophy paper.

I didn't get to crack one book
for my Lit exam.

BOSS: Denied.

Shit, um...

Look, I didn't get a scholarship
so that I could shovel hash browns

into the mouths
of entitled undergrads.

All right? No, no, no.
Seriously, I need to study.

I feel for you. I really do.

I know how hard it is
juggling classes and work.

I see kids struggling all the time,
but they get there.

- Yeah, how?
- Three words.

Time, management, skills.

It's about planning.

I used to be all over the place,
just like you, Phil.

Lip!

And then I took a web-inar
on increasing productivity,

and it changed my life.

Okay, see, I don't need a web-inar.

I need an extra 30 minutes
to study for Lit.

I'm sorry, man. I can't help you.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- (CROWD CHEERING)
- SAMANTHA: Woo!

You got this, baby! You got this!

(BOTH WINCING)

Bear down, baby. Bear down.
This ref is a nightmare.

If he had another eye,
he'd be a Cyclops.

(SAMANTHA LAUGHS)

I thought dodgeball
didn't even have refs.

They need them. Multiple outs.

The big kids gang up
on the weaker ones.

Yo, Ref, you're missing
a great game out there.

Yeah, where's your seeing eye dog?

Breathe through the pain, Chuckie.
Cry on the inside.

You're okay, baby.

Boy, that kid can take a beating.
Tough as a $2 steak.

I don't know why, Frank, but...

I feel like I've known you
my entire life.

Uh. Um...

My first husband was an addict.

So if you're into substance abuse,
tell me right now

because I can't go
through that again.

Completely legal,
doctor-sanctioned pain management.

- You're in pain?
- Not when I'm baked.

- What hurts?
- I have this liver condition.

How bad?

Pretty much kicked.
They say I need a new one.

- You mean a transplant?
- Oh! Whoa, whoa!

SAMANTHA: Woo!

That's what the folks with
the fancy degrees keep telling me.

Oh, Frank. I'm so sorry.

Woo!

(GASPS) Hi.
Oh wow. More.

Do you mind taking them upstairs?

Because Roger Runningtree
is coming here any second.

I think he's sensitive
to animal urine.

And toddler.

Bring them.
Put them on your beds and stuff.

- More dogs?
- Nobody claimed the first one.

Maybe they were trying
to get rid of them.

- Where are you going?
- Holly is having a sleep-over party.

Really? Because Fiona
didn't tell me about that.

- She must have forgot.
- Oh, okay.

- Well, have so much fun.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Just a... Just a second.

(KNOCKING)

Just one second.
Just a second.

Coming.

Hi. Hi. You must be Roger.
Come in.

Sheila.

Wow.
You're even foxier in person.

That's so sweet. They're...
Gosh, they're beautiful.

Um... Would you...?
Would you like to take your coat off,

and have a nice glass
of chilled sparkling wine?

I left my guitar in the Honda.

I wasn't sure if you'd be interested
in a little strum-down.

I can just run right back out
and fetch it.

Yes. Yes, I would.

I would be very interested
in a strum-down.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

ROBBIE: Oh, Mikey,
they have single malt flights.

- Glenkinchie, Lagavulin.
- No, no, no. Not tonight.

Come on, get it so I can drink
vicariously through you.

No, man. Seriously.
I'm totally fine not drinking tonight.

- May I start you off with drinks?
- Yeah, he'll take a Scotch flight.

God damn it.

And a bottle of...
Fiona, you like red or white?

I'm not picky.

- Ok, let's do the 2008 Jordan.
- Absolutely.

Well, I can't really drink
a whole bottle by myself.

No, Mike will lend a hand.

Little bro-ski can't pass up
a silky cab, can he?

So how did you guys
start getting it on?

Well, he invited me camping,
knowing I had a boyfriend.

- She makes me do crazy things.
- FIONA: So I went.

And then, I got him drunk
and almost fucked him in a tent.

- What?
- MIKE: True story. She jumped me.

- Well, I'm not proud.
- What? You did this to your boss.

- I can get a little wild.
- (COUGHS) A little?

I've calmed down. Recently.

(MIKE CHUCKLES)

Somehow,
I find that hard to believe.

Thank you.

- The salmon looks yummy.
- Yeah?

SAMANTHA, FRANK:
One, two, three.

- (SAMANTHA LAUGHING)
- (FRANK GROANING)

FRANK: You did real good
tonight, kiddo. I'm proud of you.

It takes a tough little bastard to take
a beating and not puke his guts out.

- I did puke.
- Actually, he did. Third period.

Well, there's no shame in that,
my friends.

This is us.

Well, thank you
for an excellent evening.

Would you like to come in
for a nightcap?

Ah, what the heck? Thanks.

- (SAMANTHA CHUCKLES) You got it?
- Got to get my wits about me.

Hi, no TV.
School tomorrow. Bedtime.

- No!
- SAMANTHA: Come on.

FRANK: Come on, bruiser.

- Where are your PJs?
- I don't like PJs.

- Well, what do you wear to bed?
- Nothing.

Maybe tonight you could wear that.
In you go.

You need anything?
Water, cocoa?

- Your breath smells like dog poo.
- Night, Chuckles. (EXHALES)

Cranberry juice.

- Supposed to be good for the liver.
- Thanks.

You are so good with him.

- He's a good one.
- Yeah.

Frank, what's your blood type?

Um, O Positive. Why?

That's my blood type.

Really? What a coincidence.

I want to give you my liver.

What? No.

It's just a lobe, right?
It's not the whole thing.

I'm not gonna like die
without it or anything, you know.

But we barely know each other.

I know enough
to know you have a beautiful heart.

That's just...

- Wow.
- Hey, look, you get to live.

I'll still have plenty of liver left
over, what's the downside?

Well, the surgery
is no walk in the park.

Oh, I have been sliced
into more times than a side of beef.

Here.

Appendectomy, C-section, hernia.

Spleen, accidental surgery.

Second surgery to fix that one.

- Look. I mean, look.
- Alright, put it down.

And a gentleman, too?
Frank, I think I'm smitten.

No, jeez!

- (SHRIEKS, LAUGHS)
- (FRANK GRUNTING)

- Okay, listen, just a sec.
- Shh...

You feel it, too.
I know it. I know it.

Generally speaking,
I don't like to move this fast.

- Me neither.
- Okay.

I don't know what's got into me.

Stop. No. Okay. No, no. Okay.
Ow... Ow.

I'm sorry. Pain.

- Are you okay?
- Excuse me.

(MIKE SINGING LOUDLY)

What is he singing?

(FIONA LAUGHING)

ROBBIE: I Can't Fight This Feeling
by REO Speedwagon.

You tell her what I'm doing.
You know what I'm doing.

It's sort of his go-to song
when he's feeling earnest.

Are you feeling earnest?
You having an earnest moment?

(ROBBIE AND FIONA LAUGH)

- (LAUGHING) Wine and scotch.
- MIKE: I'm hideous.

That's gonna be
a hell of a hangover.

- Are you feeling guilty?
- Nah.

It's great to see him cut loose.
He works his ass off.

- Yeah, he does. And he's good at it.
- Yeah.

It's corny but I'm proud of him.

He kicks up a fury all week
at the family farm,

then settles down Friday afternoon
to a delicious foamy beer

and some lame TV.

- And that's enough for him.
- Should be enough for anybody.

Not me. Tried it once.

Worked for the cups one summer.

Showed up to that office every day

with my button-down
and my shiny shoes.

Nearly lost my mind.

Why?

Well, life throws challenges at us
to see what we're made of, right?

Yeah, apparently,
I'm made of bourbon and blow.

Yeah, a necktie
can't hold that in very long.

But you're clean now.

Sure. Until I'm not.

I'm the worst kind of addict.
I'm addicted to the rush of life.

Which is primarily booze and drugs?

When it's good, man.

You're laughing a lot
and you're screwing a lot.

The world like glimmers
with promise.

And when it's bad,
there is no getting out.

And you think that feeling alone
would make you stop,

but it never does.

But knowing you're hurting people,
isn't that worse?

It should be. But, no, it isn't.

We're all addicts, Fiona.
Just trying to fill a void.

Some of us
are just better at hiding it.

Right?

(MIKE GROANING)

- (FIONA CHUCKLES)
- ROBBIE: Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh what?
- ROBBIE: He's back.

(MIKE RESUMES SINGING)

You know,
I really love making dinner.

Someday
I'm gonna learn how to really do it.

Like, go to culinary school even.

What'd you want to drink
with your scampi?

- DEBBIE: Whatever you're having.
- Mountain Dew it is.

You know, Eraserhead might be
my favorite movie of all time.

It's like this atmospheric,
horrific dreamscape...

- Uh...
- Does this make you "cray"?

Uh... Um...

Um, uh, Debbie?

- Am I doing it wrong?
- No, no, no.

It's not... It's just...
Look, we don't have to do this.

It's okay. I don't have to go home.
I told them I'd be at a sleepover.

No, it's not...
No, no, no. I'm... I'm...

It's me. I'm not...

It's a lot of things.

I'm just really stressed out
at work right now.

And my mom called.
She said that the family cat's sick.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah, it's awkward timing, is all.

Oh.

Okay.

- But you look beautiful, though.
- Thank you.

- Scampi looks delicious.
- Thanks.

Here. Here, let's do this.

Better.

Uh, okay. You ready?

- Prepare your mind to be blown.
- (CHUCKLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV)

♪ (ROGER SINGING SHIRLEY
BASSEY SONG:

BLESS THE BEASTS AND CHILDREN) ♪

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh. Uh, Roger,
this is Carl. He lives here.

- Pleased to meet you
- Yo.

Do you know Sympathy for the Devil?

I tried to get your drugs,
but V has her cabinet locked up.

And she's making me buy them now.

Kidnapped these dogs,
holding them for ransom.

It's not working.

Don't sweat it.
I may have found a liver.

- Really? Where?
- Your older sister Sammi.

She's really something.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

All right. Okay. Here we go.
Almost there, brother.

Almost there. Come on.
Here we go. Here we go.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Open it up. There you go.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Okay, there you are.

- Oh, hey. You made it.
- No.

- There you go.
- Oh no.

MIKE: Oh, God.

- There's water.
- Okay.

- Right by your right hand.
- Okay.

- Right. Okay?
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Never seen him like that.
- He rarely drinks that much.

Last time was when Eve left him.

- His ex.
- Wife. Yeah.

Haven't heard much about her.

Well, she nearly killed him.
He thought it was his fault.

It wasn't.

- You think he passed out?
- One would hope.

- And what about you?
- What about me?

You the sticking-around type
or the screwing-around type?

FIONA: Sorry.

We've only been going out
a couple months.

Well, you can't blame me
for being protective.

- He seems to really dig you.
- Well, feeling is mutual.

And he's like a jazllion times
more sane than my last one,

so, I'm happy.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- What?
- Nothing.

- Want some coffee?
- Yes. Please.

I think this wine
went to my head a little.

It's not shade-grown.
Hope you can handle that.

I usually only drink "organic",
you know, fair trade...

(PANTING)

(GASPING, GRUNTING)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(EXHALES)

(MIKE GROANING)

Hi.

It's early.

- Jesus. Sorry about that.
- What?

The hickey. I didn't mean
to get rough with you last night.

Oh, that's okay,
I barely felt it.

I'm gonna get home for a while
and check on the kids.

- Will I see you at work later?
- Uh, I'm not sure. I don't know.

I might call in sick.
Here, you want me to drive you?

No. I don't think
you'd pass a breathalyzer.

- Okay, well, take my car, okay?
- No, I'll just take the L.

- I call you in an hour?
- Mm-hm.

- See how you're doing?
- Mm-hm.

Okay.

Thanks, baby. You're the best.

Morning. How'd it go last night?
Did Sheila force Kerplunk on you?

I know, I know.

Two nights this week at Mike's.
I'm sorry.

- I won't be going there for a while.
- Didn't even know you were gone.

- What's wrong with your neck?
- Weird rash.

(SCOFFS)
It's mouth-shaped.

- Get our papers back today.
- That quick?

- You just turned it in yesterday.
- Yeah, that guy is a machine.

Who knows if he even reads them?
I'm just glad I finished it.

- Well, congrats, man.
- And, hey, thanks.

(CELL PHONES BEEP)

You know, I really appreciate you
letting me use your computer.

You saved my ass.

Christ, another flash mob.

(CELL PHONES BEEP)

PROFESSOR:
You all did terrific on these.

Please use them to study
for your midterm on Tuesday.

Thank you.

(DIAL TONE)

- MAN: Morning, sunshine.
- Hey.

I'm about to head to the office.
What should I tell people?

ROBBIE: That you fucked my brother
last night on the counter

while I laid in a puddle of vomit.

- Why do you have Mike's phone?
- It was on the counter.

I saw you calling.
Felt compelled to say howdy.

- No. No. Why are you there?
- Relax.

I just came over
to get the snow-blower keys for Pop.

- Is he there?
- Who, Pop?

Mike!

Sleeping like a baby.

Looks like you're flying solo
for lunch today.

I'm not telling him, ever, okay?

We're taking this to our graves.
This did not happen.

Oh yes, it did.
And it's gonna happen again.

Very soon.

Addict.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

You assholes actually cost me money.

(DOG BARKS)

Be free. Run wild. Go.

(English US SDH)