Shameless (2011–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - My Oldest Daughter - full transcript
Fiona is involved in a road rage incident that damages a company car and leads her to tell a lie about how it happened. Meanwhile, Lip struggles in school and with the ladies.
Where the fuck were you last week?
You and Mike getting serious?
No, he's my boss,
so we're going slow.
V: You really haven't slept with him?
No, but I probably should soon.
That was great. Do you need me to do
anything? Something else for you?
- Touch you or, whatever.
- No. No, I'm, I'm good.
Let's get slutty
and head over to the arcade,
troll for high school boys.
- Hi.
- Hi. Debbie.
Matty.
- You wanna ride home?
- Sure.
Have a good night.
Yo, Stan. Hear you're not feeling
so good. Stan.
What the fuck, man?
He's dead!
LIP: I don't understand
my grade on this paper.
- That would be a "D".
- What was wrong with it?
It sucked. Why are you taking
this class anyway?
Because it was the only freshman
English class available after noon.
You don't want to work any harder
than this piece of shit,
I suggest you find yourself
another course.
Holy crap, there he is!
- He looks just like you, baby!
- He kind of does, doesn't he?
You gotta be shitting me.
I'm pregnant.
- We're gonna have two?
- How is that possible?
Mother Nature can be
a tricky bitch sometimes.
Police!
Hands out, now!
Frank?
- Frank?
- Yeah.
- He's really sick.
- Oh, he's sick, all right.
I don't think he can make it
downstairs. He won't be any trouble.
- No.
- I can take care of him.
- Yes!
- Fine.
I have these things in my throat
that bleed
if I try to swallow alcohol.
(SPLUTTERS)
So I have to figure out other ways
to get it into my system.
Alcohol goes in this bag,
this goes up the poop chute,
and voila,
more than one way to get booze
into a Gallagher.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
He's had this rash on his arm
for over a month now.
That's eczema.
Nothing to worry about.
I'll send you home with a cream.
- Who you texting, Debs?
- Her boyfriend.
- Shut up, Carl!
- You have a boyfriend?
- I don't tell you everything.
- You used to.
But I am concerned that one of his
testicles hasn't descended yet.
- What?
- You're a eunuch, Liam.
Hasn't anyone told you this before?
No, they barely speak English
at the free clinic,
and this is the first time
I've had insurance, so no.
Well, he's almost three years old.
This puppy should have dropped
by now.
Be honest with us, Doctor.
Is it because he's black?
You'll have to excuse him, okay?
Puberty has turned him
into a barbarian.
Yeah, that's because he masturbates
ten times a day in the bathroom.
Enough! This nice doctor is gonna
think we live under a rock.
Well, if it doesn't drop soon,
he's gonna have to have surgery.
All right, Carl, you are next.
- All done. All done. All done.
- All right, let me see your pits.
Oh, you got a couple sprouts
coming out, don't you?
Yeah, and I got some down below too.
You wanna see?
I'll take your word for it.
Sounds like you are going
through the throes of puberty.
Yeah, and the stress
is giving me headaches.
Probably need some Oxy.
Oh, don't listen to him. He's trying
to get it for his father.
- He's dying.
- His bed. He made it.
- Does my insurance cover the pill?
- It sure does. Co-pay is five dollars
Oh, wow, that's great.
Beats waiting in line
at Planned Parenthood for two hours.
I wanna go on the pill too.
What? No. You haven't even gotten
your period yet.
- Donna Doty got her period.
- What? She's nine!
- And she's riding the cotton pony.
- This isn't fair!
- Here's your prescription for Ortho.
- Thanks.
While you got that thing out,
a few pain meds?
Sorry, buddy.
This isn't fair!
Welcome to the wonderful world
of teenagers.
(SIGHS)
(QUIET CHATTERING)
- All right.
- I see your muffin, English
and raise you.
Okay, okay. Jesus, I raise you
a maldita rosquilla.
Shit, I fold. Mierda.
- I call.
- Call.
Okay, show? Let's go.
- Ha-ha!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, better luck next time.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Hey, donde va?
Oh, I got a quiz in 15 minutes.
Need time to study.
- Fifteen minutes?
- I'm just doing me, amigo.
- All right, man.
- See you.
- See you.
- See you, guys.
Otra.
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
For the love of Jesus!
(GRUNTS, THEN MOANS)
Question ten, which of the following
could cause simultaneous increases
in inflation and unemployment?
A, a decrease
in government spending,
B, a decrease in money supply,
C, a decrease
in the velocity of money,
or D, an increase
in inflationary expectations?
- ALL: D!
- Who said D?
You got it.
Pass the quizzes back
to the person they belong to.
- Sorry.
- Sixty? That's not bad.
I mean, with the curve,
it's probably like a B plus, right?
- In what country?
- TUTOR: All right, settle down.
- Did you study for it?
- Yeah, a few minutes before class.
I was up all night.
Obviously, your system worked
better than mine.
If anyone wants extra credit,
I suggest you spend some time
answering practice questions
with my tutor.
Okay, who has read ahead
to chapter seven?
All right, who can tell me
if a large government budget deficit
raises or lowers
the national saving?
- Lowers.
- Exactly.
All right, now,
evaluate the following statement...
When was the last time
these things were cleaned?
April.
Here you go, Alan.
Breakfast of champions.
And some OJ if you'd like.
Yeah, I wouldn't count
on that expiration date, though.
Not much use of orange juice
in this place.
Really, I'm good.
Dad didn't age very well, did he?
And he was in his 60s
in those pictures.
You should've seen him in his 80s.
- Whoa.
- Hey, man's dead. Have some respect.
No, no, it's fine.
He and I, I'm sure you know,
didn't get along very well.
You know, to be honest with you,
I didn't even know you existed.
He only mentioned
having a daughter.
That would be me.
- When you're ready, we can begin.
- Yes.
So I have Stanley's will here,
which I'd like to read to you.
But out of respect, you know,
I'll skip some
of the colorful language.
Oh, no. Please, go ahead, read it.
I'm sure we've all heard it before.
"I, Stanley Winston Kopchek,
being of sound mind and body,
leave to my sniveling, faggoty fag
of a fagorama daughter
by the name
of Alan Willard Kopchek,
my gun collection,
in the hopes
that she'll kill herself
before she chugs
another AIDS cock."
Not sure we all heard that before.
"And to the man who I wished
had been born my son, Kevin Ball,
I leave my beloved Alibi Room."
- What?
- Oh, my.
I knew it would be bad.
I didn't know it would be that.
- Alan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
- I'll contest the will.
Absolutely, you should. He was
probably drunk when he wrote it.
Everything was done by the book.
You know what? Never mind.
Let Kevin have the bar.
Alan, Are you sure?
That doesn't seem fair.
Oh, come on.
Do you think the homophobes
that come in this place
are gonna take to me
as the owner?
You could always sell it.
Okay, tell you what we'll do.
Kevin, why don't you send me
$500 a month for two years,
about what I would've gotten
if I had sold this shit-hole.
- Okay.
- So I'll write up the paperwork.
I'll get you both a copy, then.
Sounds fair.
Alan, thank you.
I promise
I will uphold Stan's legacy.
The good stuff, not all that
"faggoty fag, AIDS cock" stuff.
- Mind if I take Dad?
- Of course.
Thank you.
(LAWYER COUGHS)
- Morning, Fiona.
- Hi, Gena.
You know, you should join us
for yoga sometime.
It's a good way to start the day.
Yeah, I'm just getting used
to having health insurance.
Not sure I can handle the gym
just yet.
(KNOCKING) Knock, knock.
You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yeah. Everything okay last night?
- Yeah, why?
Well, I don't know.
You said you'd call and come over.
- Oh? Were you lonely without me?
- Yeah.
Well, I figured
you might be a little afraid
that I would kick your ass
in strip backgammon again.
You wish you could kick my ass
in strip backgammon.
Are you throwing
the gauntlet down right now?
- Any time. Bring it on.
- Okay, you got it.
- Hey, about last night...
- Is this why you wanted to see me?
No, no, no, actually,
I wanted to see you
because I have decided
to put you out in the field.
- Like a cow?
- Exactly like a cow.
I have three sales calls
that I am sending you on today.
First one, the Dog House,
then The Riviera Theater,
and then the Lincoln Arena
where the Illinois Gliders play.
So, you know, since Wally's retiring
in what, a couple of months,
I thought it'd be a good idea
for his clients
to meet their new sales rep.
- Me?
- Well, if they like you, yeah.
I take it boobs wouldn't hurt?
Yeah, they've been dealing
with Wally for the past 16 years.
- Yeah.
- So legs would be good too.
Ooh.
As your boyfriend, I'd say no.
As your boss, oh, hell, yeah.
(EXHALES)
Oh, hey, have Mario hook you up
with a company car.
Really? A car?
Yeah, a car.
What did you expect? To take the L?
I guess not.
- You have a license, right?
- Sure. Of course.
(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Lip, wait.
Amanda's sorority's
having a happy hour later.
- Thought you could use a pick-me up.
- Thanks.
All right, baby.
I'm all finished up.
You wanna say something
over the ashes?
That's a good idea.
Stan, you son of a bitch,
you taught me that a man isn't a man
unless he's loved a woman,
eaten the heart out of a live goat,
or ripped
a German soldier's face off.
One out of three ain't bad.
Proud to call you my foster pop.
Gonna miss you, old man.
Nice, baby.
All right,
I'm gonna take him outside,
and then, I'm gonna go home
and take a nap.
- I'm not feeling so good.
- What's wrong?
The baby, and I'm sure inhaling
Stan's DNA didn't help.
Hey, good timing,
you getting this bar
when you're about
to have two babies, huh?
Yeah, no shit. Now I can afford
all that ridiculous maternity crap
Carol keeps bitching about,
and V can stop worrying about money.
Damn straight.
My baby daddy can take care of me!
And your baby
and your mama's baby.
We're a regular modern family, baby.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Hey, V.
- Hey.
- Bye, V.
- Guess who's your new boss, Kate?
- What she talking about?
- You gotta do everything I say now.
Stan gave me the bar.
Why would you want it?
Have you looked at the books lately?
(GAGGING)
Itchy!
Fuck.
Hey, Frank.
Did you get me anything
from the pediatrician?
No, Fiona wouldn't let me.
Christ.
But I figured a way
to rub one out at my desk
in the middle of math class
without anyone noticing.
That's real good, son.
Benefits of sitting
in the back, right?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
- What's that smell?
- Me.
- What?
- My liver's finally giving up.
Want me to steal you one
from the grocery store?
(LAUGHS)
Not that easy.
- Mine is rotting inside my body.
- How do you know?
You see these spider veins
on my chest?
And my eyes
are probably bloodshot, right?
Look at this.
Eww, cankles.
Like a teenage lacrosse player
on the rag, retaining water.
What do we do?
Nothing we can do unless somebody
wants to give me their liver.
- Who?
- A dead guy.
Oh.
Get rid of it.
No, no, no. Out the window
with the Gatorade pee.
Gonna wind up there anyway.
I'm just cutting out the middleman.
No more alcohol, just drugs,
- whatever you can get me.
- Me?
A dying man can't be expected
to wean himself
off booze by himself.
- What do you want?
- Whatever you can get.
- Pot, Percocet.
- Morphine?
- Valium.
- Ativan?
- Vicodin.
- Sizzurp?
- I always wanted to try that.
- I'm on it.
I'm proud of you, son.
Won't let you down, Dad.
OMG! I can dress my baby
like a pink lamb.
I better have a girl
and not a stupid boy.
No, you better abort that thing.
- Too late.
- Never too late.
Matty invited me over
to his apartment later.
- His parents gonna be home?
- Didn't say.
Bet they're not,
which means he'll want to do it.
Here, better bring a condom.
- I always forget to do that.
- Duh.
If he's a classy guy,
- he'll have a condom in his wallet.
- Totes.
Look, I can dress my baby
like a geisha girl.
- I'm not sure I'm ready to have sex.
- Right now is the perfect time.
If you don't bleed,
then you can't breed.
(SCOFFS)
When am I gonna get my period?
Donna Doty got hers, and she's nine.
I heard Donna Doty blows dogs.
Says here, some women
don't menstruate until they're 25,
due to the chemicals in our water.
That'd be sweet.
If your ovaries are polluted,
then you can screw
without protection until you're old.
But we're just getting
to know each other.
I haven't even told him
how old I am yet.
Don't. He'll dump you
if he finds out you're 13.
Keep your mouth shut,
and act like you're 16.
- How?
- Lick your lips a lot.
- He'll think you're gonna blow him.
- Have you yet?
- I don't think so.
- Good. Wait.
- Make him buy you something first.
- Like what?
I don't know,
clothes, jewelry, an iPad.
Something from Urban Outfitters.
Okay. Okay.
You're always in there.
It's disgusting. Hey!
What are you looking at, fucktard?
Just making a mental image
for my spank bank later.
(BOTH GIGGLE)
Turn left in two-10ths of a mile.
(BLUETOOTH RINGING)
- Yo, yo, yo.
- Hey,
you get in the car
and on the road okay?
Yeah, all good.
This thing has heat.
And you didn't tell me
I get a meal per diem.
- How could life get any better?
- I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Hey, you mind if I put my boyfriend
hat on for just a second?
Mm. Long as you're not
wearing anything else.
(LAUGHS)
Nope.
Just standing here
on the loading dock totally naked.
No, I wanted to finish
our conversation from this morning.
About me kicking your ass
in backgammon?
About you saying
you were gonna call last night.
Oh, my God. Really?
Look, I worried about you
when I didn't hear from you.
- You could've called me.
- Yeah, but that's not the point.
- What is the point?
- That you said you were gonna call.
(IMITATES SAT NAV) You will reach
your destination in 500 feet.
I got to go.
I'm almost at the arena.
Okay, cool. Yeah, go get them.
We can finish this later.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, you...?
You here for the tutoring?
Yup. The earlier session's
still in there, though.
- I'm Shelly.
- Lip.
Interesting.
What's it stand for?
Lipschwitz or Phillip, your choice.
- Oh, I like Lipschwitz.
- Then that's who I am.
So are you having trouble
with macro?
No, no, not really. I just...
- I don't give a shit about it.
- Why not?
I don't know, I mean
you really think it's something
that is gonna help us out
in the real world?
Oh, so you're not planning on
running the Federal Reserve, huh?
- Are you?
- Maybe.
I don't know. I doubt I will.
So why are you here, then?
I'm here to talk the tutor into
giving me some extra credit points,
and then, I'm gonna split.
Well, I hope that works out for you.
Always does.
- All yours, Shells Bells.
- Thanks.
You coming in, Lipschwitz?
Shit, you're a...
You're the tutor, huh?
Let's see if you can talk me
into giving you extra credit.
Are you sure Fiona said
it was okay?
She wants to help Frank
now that he's not drinking anymore.
- So what you got for me?
- I got a punch in your face
if you ever wake me up
from my nap again.
- Holy crap!
- I'm a nurse.
No, you empty bedpans
for old people.
I'm a ghetto nurse. Better for folks
around here to come to me
than to wait 18 hours
in the emergency room.
Percocet, that should do it.
Not so quick, Sparky.
Let me call Fiona first.
Come on, just give me five
and we'll call it a day.
See, I knew you were lying.
At least, I don't have a cabinet
filled with drugs.
Where'd you get that stuff?
Steal it from the geriatrics?
I got it
from mind-your-business town.
- Jeez, you're crabby today.
- I don't feel good.
Is that why you got blood
on your ass?
What?!
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Oh, shit. I'm spotting.
We got to go to the hospital.
I might be losing the baby.
Come on.
And what does this mean?
Stan hasn't let me send in
his payroll taxes since 2007.
Oh, dear Lord.
And I'm assuming it's not
because he didn't owe any.
You're assuming right.
He also hasn't renewed
his business license since 2010.
How much does the bar
make every month?
Well, after paying us
and the utilities, payroll taxes,
- maybe 1300 in a good month.
- (PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
All right, that's it, no more.
From now on,
everybody has to pay for their nuts.
Hey, speaking of paying for nuts,
I dumped my load in Mickey's wife's
hand last night. Not bad.
Kev. It's Fiona's kid, Carl.
Something about V and him
going to the emergency room.
Hello?
Can't believe
I've grown up in Chicago
and I've never been here.
How many fans
does this place seat?
- Sixteen thousand for a game.
- Giant.
- What percentage buys beer?
- About 90, I bet.
That's about 14,000 cups a game?
And I'll bet at least a third of
those cups are leaving the arena?
That's about right.
So if those cups had
the Illinois Gliders logo on them
instead of just being plain cups,
what's that, like,
5000 pieces of free advertising
just walking around out there?
Are you trying to up-sell me,
sweetheart?
I'm just trying to learn more
about your business, Leonard.
And Mike said this is just
a friendly meet and greet.
And I am absolutely enjoying
meeting and greeting you.
Why don't you show me
the concession stands?
- Do you guys have churros?
- Churros.
- I love me a churro.
- Churros, churros.
What's so amusing?
Oh, definitely,
nothing in this book.
Did you learn anything
in Chapter 7?
Yes, poor people with bad credit
can still get a mortgage.
- What's that mortgage called?
- Subprime.
Hey, do you want to go to a party
with me this afternoon?
Look what happens
when he actually reads the textbook.
- He learns something.
- Sure, yeah.
Useless information
I could just find on the Internet,
but it doesn't answer my question.
Well, that useless information
just got you ten extra credit points.
- Do you want to make it 15?
- Goodbye.
And I'm already going to the party.
It's my sorority.
If you die,
can Frank have your liver?
I'm not gonna die.
You would if I shoved a pillow
over your head.
Oh, there you are.
What is going on?
Can I leave now?
Don't you wanna wait and find out
what's wrong with me? Go.
- What happened?
- I started spotting.
Must be why I wasn't feeling
so hot today.
- How's the baby?
- We're waiting for labs.
The doctor's out looking
for an ultrasound machine now.
Are you kidding me?
They can't afford a fucking
ultrasound machine in every room?
Well, this is some bullshit.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
- Kev.
- What?
I need a hug.
Baby.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Hey.
- How can I help you?
- I need a liver.
- What's wrong with yours?
It's for my father.
His is rotting. It smells.
Oh, my, that ain't good.
Is he on the donor list?
I don't think so.
Can I sign him up?
Your father would have
to be seen by a specialist,
and then, referred to us,
so he can be put on the list.
- Then he gets a liver?
- He'd have to wait
for one to be available.
How long does that take?
Sweetie, more than
17,000 people in the U.S.
Are on the liver transplant list.
That's a lot of dead livers
you're gonna need.
Six thousand people are fortunate
enough to get one each year.
- What about the rest?
- Doesn't work out for everyone.
What's the point
of being an organ donating center
if you're not donating
enough organs?
Someone from your family
can donate a portion of their liver.
- Me. I'll do it.
- You need to be over 18.
- My brother and my sister are.
- Well, that's a start.
Why don't you find out if they're
a blood match with your father?
I already know they are.
My ather only screwed a Mexican whore
while he was with my mom
and they can't get pregnant.
Everyone's blood type is different.
Sometimes even if they're related.
Take these at-home testing kits.
Prick the person's finger,
put a drop of blood
on the enclosed card.
- It'll show their blood type.
- Okay, thanks.
- Okey dokey. Sorry about the delay.
- What's going on?
- Is she okay? Did we lose the baby?
- Oh, on the contrary.
- Well, why is she bleeding then?
- Okay, we got your labs back.
Your estrogen, progesterone
and HGH are through the roof,
which would explain the spotting.
All right, we'll take a look here.
Spotting, very common with
implantation of multiple fetuses.
- Fetu-whos?
- Multiple?
Yeah, take a look.
- Two babies?
- Nope. Three.
- Congratulations.
- Three?
I take it from your reaction
you weren't planning this.
Planning this?
Who the fuck plans three babies?
You need to make an appointment
as soon as possible with your OB.
OB? I need to make an appointment
with the vet.
I'm having a damn litter!
Baby, you know what this means?
I got a magic dick.
Take this form up to the front desk
on your way out and good luck.
I don't know whether to freak out,
or thrust my almighty dick
in everyone's face!
You need to be freaking out.
I'm having triplets!
Triplets! Triplets!
I got a magic penis, man.
I got a magic penis!
- Would you shut the fuck up?
- I got a magic penis.
♪ ("SUPERLOVE" BY CHARLI XCX
PLAYS ON RADIO) ♪
(SINGS ALONG)
(BLUETOOTH RINGING)
I hope this isn't about me
not calling you last night again.
(SCOFFS) Uh, no, actually, it's not.
It's about the clients loving you.
I heard back from all of them today.
Ahh! Do tell. What'd they say?
Well, you remember Leonard
from the Gliders? Thanks.
He wants to order
those souvenir logo cups
that you guys talked about.
- Sweet!
- Yeah, that is sweet.
You know, you didn't have to go
down there and sell them.
I just wanted you to say hi.
Yeah, well, when I got there,
it seemed like a waste
- not to seize the moment.
- Whoa, listen to you.
That's the kind of initiative
I like from my sales girls.
Mmm. Anything to please the boss.
Okay, so now I do wanna talk
about you not calling me last night.
- Dear Lord, no!
- All right, all right.
Listen, it's because
I care about you, okay?
I wanna build trust
with each other.
You don't trust me
because I didn't call?
What? No, no, no, no.
I mean, you know, I...
- My ex was always lying to me.
- Yeah, so was mine.
Then just call
when you say you're gonna. Okay?
- All right. I'm sorry.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
Get off my ass, dick face!
Jesus, I'm gonna assume
that was directed at another car?
Fuckwad is riding my bumper.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh.
And Carl's on the other line.
I got to go.
I'll call you back.
Or not, I don't know. Bye.
- Carl, what's going on?
- What's your blood type?
- Why, are you hurt?
- Good news,
you and Lip can both donate
your liver to Frank.
(GROANS) Carl, please, please,
stop worrying about Frank.
He is a black hole of endless need
that will suck the life out of you.
His liver is rotting.
He smells like a monkey cage.
- Well, he made his choices.
- (HONKING CONTINUES)
- You have to help him.
- No, I don't.
Fine.
(HORN CONTINUES HONKING)
Jesus.
Bitch!
- Fuck you, you fucking asshole!
- Fucking cunt!
Least, I don't have a tiny penis!
God!
You piece of shit!
I almost hit your car!
Oh, God.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Back up! Back up! Back up!
Back up! Oh, shit!
No! Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
No!
- Back up! Back up!
- (GRUNTING)
What are you doing?
Bitch!
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
Yeah, of course.
Oh, thank you. Right.
- (SPITS)
- (BOYS LAUGH)
- Gross medium average.
- What up?
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- No, it's cool.
- Party went on without you.
- That's impossible.
Hey, this is... What was it
that I was calling you earlier?
- Ripschwitz?
- Lipschwitz.
But you've entered the inner circle
now, you can call me Lip.
Okay. Lip.
So this is your sorority?
Yeah. I'm not super into it, though.
I don't live in the house
or anything.
Oh, okay,
so you got your own place?
Mm-hm. Just off University Road.
- I'd like to see that sometime.
- Oh, I bet you would.
Hey, what are you drinking?
You want me to get you something?
Yeah. I would like you
to get me that.
He's working on his PhD in Thermo.
I'm terrified to talk to him.
You and I breaking up?
Oh, you're cute, but I'm your tutor.
- So?
- It's like me being your babysitter.
Now, what do I say
to Charlie Watts?
That you're gonna show me
your apartment off University Road.
You wish. Come on.
- Just go flirt with him.
- How?
- Like you're doing with me.
- You're a freshman. It's easy.
- Yeah, but I fuck like a sophomore.
- (LAUGHS) Still not happening.
You have to help me.
I gave you extra credit.
Okay, fine.
You know what? Give him shit.
Guys like it when you give a shit.
Shit about what?
Well, you start
with that plaid shirt from 1994.
(GASPS) Don't you talk
about my Charlie that way.
Yeah, just go. Go.
Go, he's gonna love you. Go.
You know, but if he doesn't,
there's freshman cock
- right here, waiting for you.
- Yeah.
- Call me when it's grad school cock.
- Okay.
(LINE RINGING)
- LIP: Hey, douche bag.
- What's your blood type?
Um... I miss you too.
Can I come up there and test it?
I think we did it in, like,
10th grade bio class.
AB positive. Why?
All right, I got to go. Bye.
Wait, hold on.
What do you want to know for?
You'll just get mad at me
like Fiona did. I got to go.
Okay, wait, wait, hold on.
Look, we don't have to talk about it
if you don't want to, okay?
You know, just tell me
what else is going on.
- Dad's dying.
- Yeah, no shit.
Why doesn't anyone care?
Hey, look, how's Liam's rash?
Doctor says it's eczema.
Oh, okay. What are they giving him
for it?
- Frank?
- No, Liam.
Cream. He needs a liver.
- Liam?
- Frank.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm not surprised.
Hey, listen, do you guys
want any cash for the cream?
- Fiona's new insurance covered it.
- Nice.
I'm at my stop.
I got to go.
- Dad. Dad. Frank!
- What? Where, where am I?
- Am I dead? Is this heaven?
- Look what I've got for you.
Perky Cs?
Oh, son, I am so proud of you.
Give me your finger.
It's "pull my finger."
No time for fart jokes.
This is business now.
Ow!
- O positive.
- Where you going?
To get you a liver.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey. Hey, you, you're...
You're that kid's
older sister, right?
Oh, could you be
a little more vague?
Yeah, fuck, sorry.
He was my year
at Lincoln Grove. Sorry.
If you're talking about Gus,
then yes.
Gus. Yeah, Gus. Yeah.
Gus, that's right.
Hey, hey, they let him out
of Shawnee Correctional yet?
No, he got time added
for being an idiot.
- Lip!
- Hey, man.
- Who the hell are you?
- Lip. Lip Gallagher.
- From Wallace Street.
- Yeah, one and only.
That's right. Hey, what are you...?
What are you doing here?
One of these rich frat boys
need a date for the night, or...?
No, you asshole.
I go to school here.
- Oh, shit, seriously?
- Seriously.
Yeah, you're not the only
smart fuck from the yards.
There are four of us here.
I guess, five now, including you.
Shit, sorry.
You know, I didn't know.
- Yeah, I will let it slide.
- Okay.
So, how's it going?
How you doing in this place?
Yeah, not bad.
That's good. Yeah, I sucked ass
my freshman year.
Took me three semesters
to catch up
to what my classmates learned
in high school.
Unbelievable what a shitty education
we got back home.
Yeah, hey, you wanna walk over
to the cafeteria with me?
You know, I was gonna blaze up
- with one of the dishwashers.
- What?
See, I was supposed to hook up
with this other chick tonight
but then I got dissed.
So I was thinking, maybe,
you know, me and you,
we could smoke a fatty,
maybe bang one out?
- Are you for real?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You see that?
That's my roommate down there
with his girlfriend,
hitting the bong.
You know, they're not gonna be back
until, like, after midnight,
so we're good.
Wow, so you think that just because
you were some hot shit back home
with that hood rat attitude,
it's gonna work here?
Fuck. Excuse me for living.
I didn't realize this place turned
you into a fucking Disney princess.
No, fuck you.
You're the kind of guy
I came to college to get away from.
Fuck you.
- Fuck me. Fuck me!
- Okay.
- Fuck me!
- Thought that's what I was doing.
- Yes! Lord have mercy!
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Here's the client folders.
- Oh, yes. Yeah, good job again.
- Well, thanks for giving me a shot.
- Hey, of course.
Oh, the windshield
on the company car was cracked,
but Mario's fixing it.
Cracked?
From what?
I don't know, a tree branch maybe?
Some kids?
It was like that
when I got out of the arena.
Hm. But you didn't say anything
about it when we talked on the phone?
You were too busy giving me shit
for not calling you back.
What an asshole I am, huh?
Wanting to make
our relationship closer.
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
All right, you know what?
I'll make it up to you.
How about I give you a ride home?
Just let me grab my stuff
- and we'll go?
- Great.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- My dad's O-positive.
- What about your brother and sister?
- Lip's AB.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- And your sister?
- She wouldn't give any blood.
Well, sometimes, people
aren't willing to go through...
That's why I need you to test this.
Think you can tell me
her blood type from this?
- No. No, no, no.
- Please.
No boy should be raised
without his father.
Well, why didn't you touch it to the
card and test it yourself?
Oh.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey. You made it.
- Here I am.
Come on in.
Get comfortable. I'll...
- Okay.
- I'll get that for you.
I'll check
that I didn't burn the dinner.
- Okay.
- I'll get that.
- Are your parents here?
- No. They live in Gary.
- This is your place?
- Yeah.
Oh. Hm.
Twenty?
- Dinner is served.
- I'm only 13.
(LAUGHS)
What?
I'm only 13.
Is that, like, years old?
(STAMMERING)
Wow.
Okay. Cool.
- I hope you like chicken.
- (GRUNTS)
(NERVOUS LAUGH) Sure.
Who doesn't like chicken?
Bet chickens don't like chicken.
Do you want
to watch Storage Wars?
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
(STORAGE WARS
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, gosh, Mama.
Three babies? I'm gonna burst.
Oh, baby, you'll be fine.
Your hips gonna spread.
- Here.
- Thank you.
You gonna have to have an abortion.
What? Oh, hell, no!
I'm not aborting my baby.
- Our baby.
- That I'm carrying.
For us, so we have the ultimate say
in what happens to it.
Well, it's my body,
and I'm not getting an abortion.
Mama, I can't feed four babies.
Does this look like an udder?
Hire a wet nurse.
You got money now with the bar.
Yeah, no. Bar's not making
as much money as we thought.
What?
Kate showed me the positive-negative
columns in the books.
Positive side
doesn't have much written in it.
- Kevin!
- I'm sorry. It's not my fault.
Then you are definitely
having an abortion, Mother.
There's got to be
an all-night clinic.
- Wait, wait, wait, what?
- She wants me to abort my baby.
Over my dead sperm.
You just said
we don't have any money.
V, to ask your mom to have an
abortion without consulting me?
Are you crazy?
That's not right!
- I could punch her in the stomach.
- V!
Kevin, we can't afford four babies!
Then you should've thought
about that
before you made me sleep
with your husband!
Mama, we'll go broke!
I'm sorry, but the good Lord Jesus
put this baby inside my womb
as a blessing
to offer his love and light.
And now you want me
to snuff it out just like that?
- Yes!
- No!
You call me when you come
to your senses, Veronica.
(DOOR OPENS, SLAMS SHUT)
I'm sorry.
I'm conflicted.
You better get a ski mask
and a getaway car
because that's the only way
we gonna be able
to afford four babies.
- Yo.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, you just getting out?
- Yeah, man. Long day.
Okay, yeah.
You wanna blaze up?
No, man, I'm sorry.
- I got to get home to the esposa.
- Okay.
If I miss the bus,
she's gonna kill me.
- All right, man.
- All right, see you.
Hey, were you telling me the truth
about the windshield earlier?
You don't believe me?
- Should I?
- Of course.
Yeah, well, the police called,
like, right before
you got back to the office.
It was the logo on the car
kind of totally gave you away.
- You knew?
- Yeah, there's even an iPhone video.
Ted in Accounting
showed me the YouTube.
- What the hell? You set me up!
- I...?
You're getting angry with me
because you lied?
No, I'm getting angry
because you tricked me into lying.
How did I trick you?
You did it all on your own.
Fine, I lied! Okay?
I flipped the guy off
and he smashed my window.
- Are you happy?
- Why would you lie about that?
Because it's what I do.
I'm a Gallagher.
Well, knock it off, Gallagher.
Can't believe you're making
such a big deal out of this!
I'm sorry, Fiona. I can't be in a
relationship where there's lying.
- Are you giving me an ultimatum?
- Yes.
Well, I can't be in a relationship
with ultimatums.
- So, what do we do then?
- Promise me you aren't gonna lie.
- What if I mess up?
- Just admit it.
How do you know I won't promise
I'm not gonna lie,
- but that's actually a lie?
- Fiona...
...I know you think I'm blowing this
out of proportion,
but it's my thing.
I like you.
I really like you, but if you lie,
I'm gonna go crazy.
And we'll both be unhappy,
and the relationship will suck,
and I really don't want
this relationship to suck.
- I promise I'll try not to lie.
- Thank you.
- (CAR APPROACHES)
- (CAR DOOR OPENS)
Bye.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Debs?
Debs? Who was that?
In case you're wondering,
your blood type is O-positive,
which happens to be the same
as Frank's blood type.
- How'd you find that out?
- I've got my ways.
Now you can donate
part of your liver.
- (SCOFFS) Are you high?
- I am. He's not.
Back up! Back up!
No! Back up!
There's no way
I'm going under the knife for him.
- He's dying!
- Why is that my problem?
Because he's your father.
It's not like he was dealt
a bad hand, okay?
He drank through the liver
that he had and he wrecked it.
And now he wants to wreck mine.
No. No way.
I'm taking care of me
for a change, not him.
- I'm sorry, Carl.
- It's okay, son.
If Fiona won't do it,
I'll get my other daughter to.
Debbie's too young.
- My oldest daughter, Samantha.
- What?
CLASS: Three times three is nine.
Four times four is 16.
Five times five is 25.
Six times six is...
(English US - SDH)
You and Mike getting serious?
No, he's my boss,
so we're going slow.
V: You really haven't slept with him?
No, but I probably should soon.
That was great. Do you need me to do
anything? Something else for you?
- Touch you or, whatever.
- No. No, I'm, I'm good.
Let's get slutty
and head over to the arcade,
troll for high school boys.
- Hi.
- Hi. Debbie.
Matty.
- You wanna ride home?
- Sure.
Have a good night.
Yo, Stan. Hear you're not feeling
so good. Stan.
What the fuck, man?
He's dead!
LIP: I don't understand
my grade on this paper.
- That would be a "D".
- What was wrong with it?
It sucked. Why are you taking
this class anyway?
Because it was the only freshman
English class available after noon.
You don't want to work any harder
than this piece of shit,
I suggest you find yourself
another course.
Holy crap, there he is!
- He looks just like you, baby!
- He kind of does, doesn't he?
You gotta be shitting me.
I'm pregnant.
- We're gonna have two?
- How is that possible?
Mother Nature can be
a tricky bitch sometimes.
Police!
Hands out, now!
Frank?
- Frank?
- Yeah.
- He's really sick.
- Oh, he's sick, all right.
I don't think he can make it
downstairs. He won't be any trouble.
- No.
- I can take care of him.
- Yes!
- Fine.
I have these things in my throat
that bleed
if I try to swallow alcohol.
(SPLUTTERS)
So I have to figure out other ways
to get it into my system.
Alcohol goes in this bag,
this goes up the poop chute,
and voila,
more than one way to get booze
into a Gallagher.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
He's had this rash on his arm
for over a month now.
That's eczema.
Nothing to worry about.
I'll send you home with a cream.
- Who you texting, Debs?
- Her boyfriend.
- Shut up, Carl!
- You have a boyfriend?
- I don't tell you everything.
- You used to.
But I am concerned that one of his
testicles hasn't descended yet.
- What?
- You're a eunuch, Liam.
Hasn't anyone told you this before?
No, they barely speak English
at the free clinic,
and this is the first time
I've had insurance, so no.
Well, he's almost three years old.
This puppy should have dropped
by now.
Be honest with us, Doctor.
Is it because he's black?
You'll have to excuse him, okay?
Puberty has turned him
into a barbarian.
Yeah, that's because he masturbates
ten times a day in the bathroom.
Enough! This nice doctor is gonna
think we live under a rock.
Well, if it doesn't drop soon,
he's gonna have to have surgery.
All right, Carl, you are next.
- All done. All done. All done.
- All right, let me see your pits.
Oh, you got a couple sprouts
coming out, don't you?
Yeah, and I got some down below too.
You wanna see?
I'll take your word for it.
Sounds like you are going
through the throes of puberty.
Yeah, and the stress
is giving me headaches.
Probably need some Oxy.
Oh, don't listen to him. He's trying
to get it for his father.
- He's dying.
- His bed. He made it.
- Does my insurance cover the pill?
- It sure does. Co-pay is five dollars
Oh, wow, that's great.
Beats waiting in line
at Planned Parenthood for two hours.
I wanna go on the pill too.
What? No. You haven't even gotten
your period yet.
- Donna Doty got her period.
- What? She's nine!
- And she's riding the cotton pony.
- This isn't fair!
- Here's your prescription for Ortho.
- Thanks.
While you got that thing out,
a few pain meds?
Sorry, buddy.
This isn't fair!
Welcome to the wonderful world
of teenagers.
(SIGHS)
(QUIET CHATTERING)
- All right.
- I see your muffin, English
and raise you.
Okay, okay. Jesus, I raise you
a maldita rosquilla.
Shit, I fold. Mierda.
- I call.
- Call.
Okay, show? Let's go.
- Ha-ha!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Hey, better luck next time.
- It's okay. It's okay.
Hey, donde va?
Oh, I got a quiz in 15 minutes.
Need time to study.
- Fifteen minutes?
- I'm just doing me, amigo.
- All right, man.
- See you.
- See you.
- See you, guys.
Otra.
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
For the love of Jesus!
(GRUNTS, THEN MOANS)
Question ten, which of the following
could cause simultaneous increases
in inflation and unemployment?
A, a decrease
in government spending,
B, a decrease in money supply,
C, a decrease
in the velocity of money,
or D, an increase
in inflationary expectations?
- ALL: D!
- Who said D?
You got it.
Pass the quizzes back
to the person they belong to.
- Sorry.
- Sixty? That's not bad.
I mean, with the curve,
it's probably like a B plus, right?
- In what country?
- TUTOR: All right, settle down.
- Did you study for it?
- Yeah, a few minutes before class.
I was up all night.
Obviously, your system worked
better than mine.
If anyone wants extra credit,
I suggest you spend some time
answering practice questions
with my tutor.
Okay, who has read ahead
to chapter seven?
All right, who can tell me
if a large government budget deficit
raises or lowers
the national saving?
- Lowers.
- Exactly.
All right, now,
evaluate the following statement...
When was the last time
these things were cleaned?
April.
Here you go, Alan.
Breakfast of champions.
And some OJ if you'd like.
Yeah, I wouldn't count
on that expiration date, though.
Not much use of orange juice
in this place.
Really, I'm good.
Dad didn't age very well, did he?
And he was in his 60s
in those pictures.
You should've seen him in his 80s.
- Whoa.
- Hey, man's dead. Have some respect.
No, no, it's fine.
He and I, I'm sure you know,
didn't get along very well.
You know, to be honest with you,
I didn't even know you existed.
He only mentioned
having a daughter.
That would be me.
- When you're ready, we can begin.
- Yes.
So I have Stanley's will here,
which I'd like to read to you.
But out of respect, you know,
I'll skip some
of the colorful language.
Oh, no. Please, go ahead, read it.
I'm sure we've all heard it before.
"I, Stanley Winston Kopchek,
being of sound mind and body,
leave to my sniveling, faggoty fag
of a fagorama daughter
by the name
of Alan Willard Kopchek,
my gun collection,
in the hopes
that she'll kill herself
before she chugs
another AIDS cock."
Not sure we all heard that before.
"And to the man who I wished
had been born my son, Kevin Ball,
I leave my beloved Alibi Room."
- What?
- Oh, my.
I knew it would be bad.
I didn't know it would be that.
- Alan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
- I'll contest the will.
Absolutely, you should. He was
probably drunk when he wrote it.
Everything was done by the book.
You know what? Never mind.
Let Kevin have the bar.
Alan, Are you sure?
That doesn't seem fair.
Oh, come on.
Do you think the homophobes
that come in this place
are gonna take to me
as the owner?
You could always sell it.
Okay, tell you what we'll do.
Kevin, why don't you send me
$500 a month for two years,
about what I would've gotten
if I had sold this shit-hole.
- Okay.
- So I'll write up the paperwork.
I'll get you both a copy, then.
Sounds fair.
Alan, thank you.
I promise
I will uphold Stan's legacy.
The good stuff, not all that
"faggoty fag, AIDS cock" stuff.
- Mind if I take Dad?
- Of course.
Thank you.
(LAWYER COUGHS)
- Morning, Fiona.
- Hi, Gena.
You know, you should join us
for yoga sometime.
It's a good way to start the day.
Yeah, I'm just getting used
to having health insurance.
Not sure I can handle the gym
just yet.
(KNOCKING) Knock, knock.
You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yeah. Everything okay last night?
- Yeah, why?
Well, I don't know.
You said you'd call and come over.
- Oh? Were you lonely without me?
- Yeah.
Well, I figured
you might be a little afraid
that I would kick your ass
in strip backgammon again.
You wish you could kick my ass
in strip backgammon.
Are you throwing
the gauntlet down right now?
- Any time. Bring it on.
- Okay, you got it.
- Hey, about last night...
- Is this why you wanted to see me?
No, no, no, actually,
I wanted to see you
because I have decided
to put you out in the field.
- Like a cow?
- Exactly like a cow.
I have three sales calls
that I am sending you on today.
First one, the Dog House,
then The Riviera Theater,
and then the Lincoln Arena
where the Illinois Gliders play.
So, you know, since Wally's retiring
in what, a couple of months,
I thought it'd be a good idea
for his clients
to meet their new sales rep.
- Me?
- Well, if they like you, yeah.
I take it boobs wouldn't hurt?
Yeah, they've been dealing
with Wally for the past 16 years.
- Yeah.
- So legs would be good too.
Ooh.
As your boyfriend, I'd say no.
As your boss, oh, hell, yeah.
(EXHALES)
Oh, hey, have Mario hook you up
with a company car.
Really? A car?
Yeah, a car.
What did you expect? To take the L?
I guess not.
- You have a license, right?
- Sure. Of course.
(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Lip, wait.
Amanda's sorority's
having a happy hour later.
- Thought you could use a pick-me up.
- Thanks.
All right, baby.
I'm all finished up.
You wanna say something
over the ashes?
That's a good idea.
Stan, you son of a bitch,
you taught me that a man isn't a man
unless he's loved a woman,
eaten the heart out of a live goat,
or ripped
a German soldier's face off.
One out of three ain't bad.
Proud to call you my foster pop.
Gonna miss you, old man.
Nice, baby.
All right,
I'm gonna take him outside,
and then, I'm gonna go home
and take a nap.
- I'm not feeling so good.
- What's wrong?
The baby, and I'm sure inhaling
Stan's DNA didn't help.
Hey, good timing,
you getting this bar
when you're about
to have two babies, huh?
Yeah, no shit. Now I can afford
all that ridiculous maternity crap
Carol keeps bitching about,
and V can stop worrying about money.
Damn straight.
My baby daddy can take care of me!
And your baby
and your mama's baby.
We're a regular modern family, baby.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- Hey, V.
- Hey.
- Bye, V.
- Guess who's your new boss, Kate?
- What she talking about?
- You gotta do everything I say now.
Stan gave me the bar.
Why would you want it?
Have you looked at the books lately?
(GAGGING)
Itchy!
Fuck.
Hey, Frank.
Did you get me anything
from the pediatrician?
No, Fiona wouldn't let me.
Christ.
But I figured a way
to rub one out at my desk
in the middle of math class
without anyone noticing.
That's real good, son.
Benefits of sitting
in the back, right?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
- What's that smell?
- Me.
- What?
- My liver's finally giving up.
Want me to steal you one
from the grocery store?
(LAUGHS)
Not that easy.
- Mine is rotting inside my body.
- How do you know?
You see these spider veins
on my chest?
And my eyes
are probably bloodshot, right?
Look at this.
Eww, cankles.
Like a teenage lacrosse player
on the rag, retaining water.
What do we do?
Nothing we can do unless somebody
wants to give me their liver.
- Who?
- A dead guy.
Oh.
Get rid of it.
No, no, no. Out the window
with the Gatorade pee.
Gonna wind up there anyway.
I'm just cutting out the middleman.
No more alcohol, just drugs,
- whatever you can get me.
- Me?
A dying man can't be expected
to wean himself
off booze by himself.
- What do you want?
- Whatever you can get.
- Pot, Percocet.
- Morphine?
- Valium.
- Ativan?
- Vicodin.
- Sizzurp?
- I always wanted to try that.
- I'm on it.
I'm proud of you, son.
Won't let you down, Dad.
OMG! I can dress my baby
like a pink lamb.
I better have a girl
and not a stupid boy.
No, you better abort that thing.
- Too late.
- Never too late.
Matty invited me over
to his apartment later.
- His parents gonna be home?
- Didn't say.
Bet they're not,
which means he'll want to do it.
Here, better bring a condom.
- I always forget to do that.
- Duh.
If he's a classy guy,
- he'll have a condom in his wallet.
- Totes.
Look, I can dress my baby
like a geisha girl.
- I'm not sure I'm ready to have sex.
- Right now is the perfect time.
If you don't bleed,
then you can't breed.
(SCOFFS)
When am I gonna get my period?
Donna Doty got hers, and she's nine.
I heard Donna Doty blows dogs.
Says here, some women
don't menstruate until they're 25,
due to the chemicals in our water.
That'd be sweet.
If your ovaries are polluted,
then you can screw
without protection until you're old.
But we're just getting
to know each other.
I haven't even told him
how old I am yet.
Don't. He'll dump you
if he finds out you're 13.
Keep your mouth shut,
and act like you're 16.
- How?
- Lick your lips a lot.
- He'll think you're gonna blow him.
- Have you yet?
- I don't think so.
- Good. Wait.
- Make him buy you something first.
- Like what?
I don't know,
clothes, jewelry, an iPad.
Something from Urban Outfitters.
Okay. Okay.
You're always in there.
It's disgusting. Hey!
What are you looking at, fucktard?
Just making a mental image
for my spank bank later.
(BOTH GIGGLE)
Turn left in two-10ths of a mile.
(BLUETOOTH RINGING)
- Yo, yo, yo.
- Hey,
you get in the car
and on the road okay?
Yeah, all good.
This thing has heat.
And you didn't tell me
I get a meal per diem.
- How could life get any better?
- I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Hey, you mind if I put my boyfriend
hat on for just a second?
Mm. Long as you're not
wearing anything else.
(LAUGHS)
Nope.
Just standing here
on the loading dock totally naked.
No, I wanted to finish
our conversation from this morning.
About me kicking your ass
in backgammon?
About you saying
you were gonna call last night.
Oh, my God. Really?
Look, I worried about you
when I didn't hear from you.
- You could've called me.
- Yeah, but that's not the point.
- What is the point?
- That you said you were gonna call.
(IMITATES SAT NAV) You will reach
your destination in 500 feet.
I got to go.
I'm almost at the arena.
Okay, cool. Yeah, go get them.
We can finish this later.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, you...?
You here for the tutoring?
Yup. The earlier session's
still in there, though.
- I'm Shelly.
- Lip.
Interesting.
What's it stand for?
Lipschwitz or Phillip, your choice.
- Oh, I like Lipschwitz.
- Then that's who I am.
So are you having trouble
with macro?
No, no, not really. I just...
- I don't give a shit about it.
- Why not?
I don't know, I mean
you really think it's something
that is gonna help us out
in the real world?
Oh, so you're not planning on
running the Federal Reserve, huh?
- Are you?
- Maybe.
I don't know. I doubt I will.
So why are you here, then?
I'm here to talk the tutor into
giving me some extra credit points,
and then, I'm gonna split.
Well, I hope that works out for you.
Always does.
- All yours, Shells Bells.
- Thanks.
You coming in, Lipschwitz?
Shit, you're a...
You're the tutor, huh?
Let's see if you can talk me
into giving you extra credit.
Are you sure Fiona said
it was okay?
She wants to help Frank
now that he's not drinking anymore.
- So what you got for me?
- I got a punch in your face
if you ever wake me up
from my nap again.
- Holy crap!
- I'm a nurse.
No, you empty bedpans
for old people.
I'm a ghetto nurse. Better for folks
around here to come to me
than to wait 18 hours
in the emergency room.
Percocet, that should do it.
Not so quick, Sparky.
Let me call Fiona first.
Come on, just give me five
and we'll call it a day.
See, I knew you were lying.
At least, I don't have a cabinet
filled with drugs.
Where'd you get that stuff?
Steal it from the geriatrics?
I got it
from mind-your-business town.
- Jeez, you're crabby today.
- I don't feel good.
Is that why you got blood
on your ass?
What?!
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
Oh, shit. I'm spotting.
We got to go to the hospital.
I might be losing the baby.
Come on.
And what does this mean?
Stan hasn't let me send in
his payroll taxes since 2007.
Oh, dear Lord.
And I'm assuming it's not
because he didn't owe any.
You're assuming right.
He also hasn't renewed
his business license since 2010.
How much does the bar
make every month?
Well, after paying us
and the utilities, payroll taxes,
- maybe 1300 in a good month.
- (PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
All right, that's it, no more.
From now on,
everybody has to pay for their nuts.
Hey, speaking of paying for nuts,
I dumped my load in Mickey's wife's
hand last night. Not bad.
Kev. It's Fiona's kid, Carl.
Something about V and him
going to the emergency room.
Hello?
Can't believe
I've grown up in Chicago
and I've never been here.
How many fans
does this place seat?
- Sixteen thousand for a game.
- Giant.
- What percentage buys beer?
- About 90, I bet.
That's about 14,000 cups a game?
And I'll bet at least a third of
those cups are leaving the arena?
That's about right.
So if those cups had
the Illinois Gliders logo on them
instead of just being plain cups,
what's that, like,
5000 pieces of free advertising
just walking around out there?
Are you trying to up-sell me,
sweetheart?
I'm just trying to learn more
about your business, Leonard.
And Mike said this is just
a friendly meet and greet.
And I am absolutely enjoying
meeting and greeting you.
Why don't you show me
the concession stands?
- Do you guys have churros?
- Churros.
- I love me a churro.
- Churros, churros.
What's so amusing?
Oh, definitely,
nothing in this book.
Did you learn anything
in Chapter 7?
Yes, poor people with bad credit
can still get a mortgage.
- What's that mortgage called?
- Subprime.
Hey, do you want to go to a party
with me this afternoon?
Look what happens
when he actually reads the textbook.
- He learns something.
- Sure, yeah.
Useless information
I could just find on the Internet,
but it doesn't answer my question.
Well, that useless information
just got you ten extra credit points.
- Do you want to make it 15?
- Goodbye.
And I'm already going to the party.
It's my sorority.
If you die,
can Frank have your liver?
I'm not gonna die.
You would if I shoved a pillow
over your head.
Oh, there you are.
What is going on?
Can I leave now?
Don't you wanna wait and find out
what's wrong with me? Go.
- What happened?
- I started spotting.
Must be why I wasn't feeling
so hot today.
- How's the baby?
- We're waiting for labs.
The doctor's out looking
for an ultrasound machine now.
Are you kidding me?
They can't afford a fucking
ultrasound machine in every room?
Well, this is some bullshit.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
- Kev.
- What?
I need a hug.
Baby.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
- Hey.
- How can I help you?
- I need a liver.
- What's wrong with yours?
It's for my father.
His is rotting. It smells.
Oh, my, that ain't good.
Is he on the donor list?
I don't think so.
Can I sign him up?
Your father would have
to be seen by a specialist,
and then, referred to us,
so he can be put on the list.
- Then he gets a liver?
- He'd have to wait
for one to be available.
How long does that take?
Sweetie, more than
17,000 people in the U.S.
Are on the liver transplant list.
That's a lot of dead livers
you're gonna need.
Six thousand people are fortunate
enough to get one each year.
- What about the rest?
- Doesn't work out for everyone.
What's the point
of being an organ donating center
if you're not donating
enough organs?
Someone from your family
can donate a portion of their liver.
- Me. I'll do it.
- You need to be over 18.
- My brother and my sister are.
- Well, that's a start.
Why don't you find out if they're
a blood match with your father?
I already know they are.
My ather only screwed a Mexican whore
while he was with my mom
and they can't get pregnant.
Everyone's blood type is different.
Sometimes even if they're related.
Take these at-home testing kits.
Prick the person's finger,
put a drop of blood
on the enclosed card.
- It'll show their blood type.
- Okay, thanks.
- Okey dokey. Sorry about the delay.
- What's going on?
- Is she okay? Did we lose the baby?
- Oh, on the contrary.
- Well, why is she bleeding then?
- Okay, we got your labs back.
Your estrogen, progesterone
and HGH are through the roof,
which would explain the spotting.
All right, we'll take a look here.
Spotting, very common with
implantation of multiple fetuses.
- Fetu-whos?
- Multiple?
Yeah, take a look.
- Two babies?
- Nope. Three.
- Congratulations.
- Three?
I take it from your reaction
you weren't planning this.
Planning this?
Who the fuck plans three babies?
You need to make an appointment
as soon as possible with your OB.
OB? I need to make an appointment
with the vet.
I'm having a damn litter!
Baby, you know what this means?
I got a magic dick.
Take this form up to the front desk
on your way out and good luck.
I don't know whether to freak out,
or thrust my almighty dick
in everyone's face!
You need to be freaking out.
I'm having triplets!
Triplets! Triplets!
I got a magic penis, man.
I got a magic penis!
- Would you shut the fuck up?
- I got a magic penis.
♪ ("SUPERLOVE" BY CHARLI XCX
PLAYS ON RADIO) ♪
(SINGS ALONG)
(BLUETOOTH RINGING)
I hope this isn't about me
not calling you last night again.
(SCOFFS) Uh, no, actually, it's not.
It's about the clients loving you.
I heard back from all of them today.
Ahh! Do tell. What'd they say?
Well, you remember Leonard
from the Gliders? Thanks.
He wants to order
those souvenir logo cups
that you guys talked about.
- Sweet!
- Yeah, that is sweet.
You know, you didn't have to go
down there and sell them.
I just wanted you to say hi.
Yeah, well, when I got there,
it seemed like a waste
- not to seize the moment.
- Whoa, listen to you.
That's the kind of initiative
I like from my sales girls.
Mmm. Anything to please the boss.
Okay, so now I do wanna talk
about you not calling me last night.
- Dear Lord, no!
- All right, all right.
Listen, it's because
I care about you, okay?
I wanna build trust
with each other.
You don't trust me
because I didn't call?
What? No, no, no, no.
I mean, you know, I...
- My ex was always lying to me.
- Yeah, so was mine.
Then just call
when you say you're gonna. Okay?
- All right. I'm sorry.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
Get off my ass, dick face!
Jesus, I'm gonna assume
that was directed at another car?
Fuckwad is riding my bumper.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh.
And Carl's on the other line.
I got to go.
I'll call you back.
Or not, I don't know. Bye.
- Carl, what's going on?
- What's your blood type?
- Why, are you hurt?
- Good news,
you and Lip can both donate
your liver to Frank.
(GROANS) Carl, please, please,
stop worrying about Frank.
He is a black hole of endless need
that will suck the life out of you.
His liver is rotting.
He smells like a monkey cage.
- Well, he made his choices.
- (HONKING CONTINUES)
- You have to help him.
- No, I don't.
Fine.
(HORN CONTINUES HONKING)
Jesus.
Bitch!
- Fuck you, you fucking asshole!
- Fucking cunt!
Least, I don't have a tiny penis!
God!
You piece of shit!
I almost hit your car!
Oh, God.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Back up! Back up! Back up!
Back up! Oh, shit!
No! Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
No!
- Back up! Back up!
- (GRUNTING)
What are you doing?
Bitch!
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- (MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY)
Yeah, of course.
Oh, thank you. Right.
- (SPITS)
- (BOYS LAUGH)
- Gross medium average.
- What up?
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- No, it's cool.
- Party went on without you.
- That's impossible.
Hey, this is... What was it
that I was calling you earlier?
- Ripschwitz?
- Lipschwitz.
But you've entered the inner circle
now, you can call me Lip.
Okay. Lip.
So this is your sorority?
Yeah. I'm not super into it, though.
I don't live in the house
or anything.
Oh, okay,
so you got your own place?
Mm-hm. Just off University Road.
- I'd like to see that sometime.
- Oh, I bet you would.
Hey, what are you drinking?
You want me to get you something?
Yeah. I would like you
to get me that.
He's working on his PhD in Thermo.
I'm terrified to talk to him.
You and I breaking up?
Oh, you're cute, but I'm your tutor.
- So?
- It's like me being your babysitter.
Now, what do I say
to Charlie Watts?
That you're gonna show me
your apartment off University Road.
You wish. Come on.
- Just go flirt with him.
- How?
- Like you're doing with me.
- You're a freshman. It's easy.
- Yeah, but I fuck like a sophomore.
- (LAUGHS) Still not happening.
You have to help me.
I gave you extra credit.
Okay, fine.
You know what? Give him shit.
Guys like it when you give a shit.
Shit about what?
Well, you start
with that plaid shirt from 1994.
(GASPS) Don't you talk
about my Charlie that way.
Yeah, just go. Go.
Go, he's gonna love you. Go.
You know, but if he doesn't,
there's freshman cock
- right here, waiting for you.
- Yeah.
- Call me when it's grad school cock.
- Okay.
(LINE RINGING)
- LIP: Hey, douche bag.
- What's your blood type?
Um... I miss you too.
Can I come up there and test it?
I think we did it in, like,
10th grade bio class.
AB positive. Why?
All right, I got to go. Bye.
Wait, hold on.
What do you want to know for?
You'll just get mad at me
like Fiona did. I got to go.
Okay, wait, wait, hold on.
Look, we don't have to talk about it
if you don't want to, okay?
You know, just tell me
what else is going on.
- Dad's dying.
- Yeah, no shit.
Why doesn't anyone care?
Hey, look, how's Liam's rash?
Doctor says it's eczema.
Oh, okay. What are they giving him
for it?
- Frank?
- No, Liam.
Cream. He needs a liver.
- Liam?
- Frank.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm not surprised.
Hey, listen, do you guys
want any cash for the cream?
- Fiona's new insurance covered it.
- Nice.
I'm at my stop.
I got to go.
- Dad. Dad. Frank!
- What? Where, where am I?
- Am I dead? Is this heaven?
- Look what I've got for you.
Perky Cs?
Oh, son, I am so proud of you.
Give me your finger.
It's "pull my finger."
No time for fart jokes.
This is business now.
Ow!
- O positive.
- Where you going?
To get you a liver.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey. Hey, you, you're...
You're that kid's
older sister, right?
Oh, could you be
a little more vague?
Yeah, fuck, sorry.
He was my year
at Lincoln Grove. Sorry.
If you're talking about Gus,
then yes.
Gus. Yeah, Gus. Yeah.
Gus, that's right.
Hey, hey, they let him out
of Shawnee Correctional yet?
No, he got time added
for being an idiot.
- Lip!
- Hey, man.
- Who the hell are you?
- Lip. Lip Gallagher.
- From Wallace Street.
- Yeah, one and only.
That's right. Hey, what are you...?
What are you doing here?
One of these rich frat boys
need a date for the night, or...?
No, you asshole.
I go to school here.
- Oh, shit, seriously?
- Seriously.
Yeah, you're not the only
smart fuck from the yards.
There are four of us here.
I guess, five now, including you.
Shit, sorry.
You know, I didn't know.
- Yeah, I will let it slide.
- Okay.
So, how's it going?
How you doing in this place?
Yeah, not bad.
That's good. Yeah, I sucked ass
my freshman year.
Took me three semesters
to catch up
to what my classmates learned
in high school.
Unbelievable what a shitty education
we got back home.
Yeah, hey, you wanna walk over
to the cafeteria with me?
You know, I was gonna blaze up
- with one of the dishwashers.
- What?
See, I was supposed to hook up
with this other chick tonight
but then I got dissed.
So I was thinking, maybe,
you know, me and you,
we could smoke a fatty,
maybe bang one out?
- Are you for real?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You see that?
That's my roommate down there
with his girlfriend,
hitting the bong.
You know, they're not gonna be back
until, like, after midnight,
so we're good.
Wow, so you think that just because
you were some hot shit back home
with that hood rat attitude,
it's gonna work here?
Fuck. Excuse me for living.
I didn't realize this place turned
you into a fucking Disney princess.
No, fuck you.
You're the kind of guy
I came to college to get away from.
Fuck you.
- Fuck me. Fuck me!
- Okay.
- Fuck me!
- Thought that's what I was doing.
- Yes! Lord have mercy!
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Here's the client folders.
- Oh, yes. Yeah, good job again.
- Well, thanks for giving me a shot.
- Hey, of course.
Oh, the windshield
on the company car was cracked,
but Mario's fixing it.
Cracked?
From what?
I don't know, a tree branch maybe?
Some kids?
It was like that
when I got out of the arena.
Hm. But you didn't say anything
about it when we talked on the phone?
You were too busy giving me shit
for not calling you back.
What an asshole I am, huh?
Wanting to make
our relationship closer.
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
All right, you know what?
I'll make it up to you.
How about I give you a ride home?
Just let me grab my stuff
- and we'll go?
- Great.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- My dad's O-positive.
- What about your brother and sister?
- Lip's AB.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- And your sister?
- She wouldn't give any blood.
Well, sometimes, people
aren't willing to go through...
That's why I need you to test this.
Think you can tell me
her blood type from this?
- No. No, no, no.
- Please.
No boy should be raised
without his father.
Well, why didn't you touch it to the
card and test it yourself?
Oh.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hey. You made it.
- Here I am.
Come on in.
Get comfortable. I'll...
- Okay.
- I'll get that for you.
I'll check
that I didn't burn the dinner.
- Okay.
- I'll get that.
- Are your parents here?
- No. They live in Gary.
- This is your place?
- Yeah.
Oh. Hm.
Twenty?
- Dinner is served.
- I'm only 13.
(LAUGHS)
What?
I'm only 13.
Is that, like, years old?
(STAMMERING)
Wow.
Okay. Cool.
- I hope you like chicken.
- (GRUNTS)
(NERVOUS LAUGH) Sure.
Who doesn't like chicken?
Bet chickens don't like chicken.
Do you want
to watch Storage Wars?
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
(STORAGE WARS
THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, gosh, Mama.
Three babies? I'm gonna burst.
Oh, baby, you'll be fine.
Your hips gonna spread.
- Here.
- Thank you.
You gonna have to have an abortion.
What? Oh, hell, no!
I'm not aborting my baby.
- Our baby.
- That I'm carrying.
For us, so we have the ultimate say
in what happens to it.
Well, it's my body,
and I'm not getting an abortion.
Mama, I can't feed four babies.
Does this look like an udder?
Hire a wet nurse.
You got money now with the bar.
Yeah, no. Bar's not making
as much money as we thought.
What?
Kate showed me the positive-negative
columns in the books.
Positive side
doesn't have much written in it.
- Kevin!
- I'm sorry. It's not my fault.
Then you are definitely
having an abortion, Mother.
There's got to be
an all-night clinic.
- Wait, wait, wait, what?
- She wants me to abort my baby.
Over my dead sperm.
You just said
we don't have any money.
V, to ask your mom to have an
abortion without consulting me?
Are you crazy?
That's not right!
- I could punch her in the stomach.
- V!
Kevin, we can't afford four babies!
Then you should've thought
about that
before you made me sleep
with your husband!
Mama, we'll go broke!
I'm sorry, but the good Lord Jesus
put this baby inside my womb
as a blessing
to offer his love and light.
And now you want me
to snuff it out just like that?
- Yes!
- No!
You call me when you come
to your senses, Veronica.
(DOOR OPENS, SLAMS SHUT)
I'm sorry.
I'm conflicted.
You better get a ski mask
and a getaway car
because that's the only way
we gonna be able
to afford four babies.
- Yo.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, you just getting out?
- Yeah, man. Long day.
Okay, yeah.
You wanna blaze up?
No, man, I'm sorry.
- I got to get home to the esposa.
- Okay.
If I miss the bus,
she's gonna kill me.
- All right, man.
- All right, see you.
Hey, were you telling me the truth
about the windshield earlier?
You don't believe me?
- Should I?
- Of course.
Yeah, well, the police called,
like, right before
you got back to the office.
It was the logo on the car
kind of totally gave you away.
- You knew?
- Yeah, there's even an iPhone video.
Ted in Accounting
showed me the YouTube.
- What the hell? You set me up!
- I...?
You're getting angry with me
because you lied?
No, I'm getting angry
because you tricked me into lying.
How did I trick you?
You did it all on your own.
Fine, I lied! Okay?
I flipped the guy off
and he smashed my window.
- Are you happy?
- Why would you lie about that?
Because it's what I do.
I'm a Gallagher.
Well, knock it off, Gallagher.
Can't believe you're making
such a big deal out of this!
I'm sorry, Fiona. I can't be in a
relationship where there's lying.
- Are you giving me an ultimatum?
- Yes.
Well, I can't be in a relationship
with ultimatums.
- So, what do we do then?
- Promise me you aren't gonna lie.
- What if I mess up?
- Just admit it.
How do you know I won't promise
I'm not gonna lie,
- but that's actually a lie?
- Fiona...
...I know you think I'm blowing this
out of proportion,
but it's my thing.
I like you.
I really like you, but if you lie,
I'm gonna go crazy.
And we'll both be unhappy,
and the relationship will suck,
and I really don't want
this relationship to suck.
- I promise I'll try not to lie.
- Thank you.
- (CAR APPROACHES)
- (CAR DOOR OPENS)
Bye.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Debs?
Debs? Who was that?
In case you're wondering,
your blood type is O-positive,
which happens to be the same
as Frank's blood type.
- How'd you find that out?
- I've got my ways.
Now you can donate
part of your liver.
- (SCOFFS) Are you high?
- I am. He's not.
Back up! Back up!
No! Back up!
There's no way
I'm going under the knife for him.
- He's dying!
- Why is that my problem?
Because he's your father.
It's not like he was dealt
a bad hand, okay?
He drank through the liver
that he had and he wrecked it.
And now he wants to wreck mine.
No. No way.
I'm taking care of me
for a change, not him.
- I'm sorry, Carl.
- It's okay, son.
If Fiona won't do it,
I'll get my other daughter to.
Debbie's too young.
- My oldest daughter, Samantha.
- What?
CLASS: Three times three is nine.
Four times four is 16.
Five times five is 25.
Six times six is...
(English US - SDH)