Shameless (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - But at Last Came a Knock - full transcript
Frank has some settlement money coming his way. The only catch --needs his ex-wife, Monica's signature on the documents.
Oh, man, you guys missed
a great party last week.
Say hello to your
new foster family, Ethel.
You're one of five wives?
Married to a dude named Clyde?
Who's 65 years old?
Would it be all right if
my son Jonah came to visit?
Keep laughing,
and I will slit your throat
while you sleep.
Shoplifting is out of hand.
Did Mickey pay for that?
You have to stand up to him.
Tried that once
with his father.
Now hold it like you want
to do something with it.
Mickey? Again?
What was I supposed to do,
shoot him over a cup of soup?
No touching the forbidden fruit
until I'm knocked up.
Slept with someone.
Not cash.
Guess this was like
a booty call, huh?
Yes.
Steve got a text from Candace.
Is he dating someone else?
Who the fuck is Candace?
We work together.
That's all.
I'm home.
Little brother!
Hey, you.
Mmm.
d Think of all the luck
you got d
d Know that it's
not for naught d
d You were beaming once before d
d But it's not
like that anymore d
d What is this downside d
d That you speak of? d
d What is this feeling d
d You're so sure of? d
d
d
d Round up the friends you got d
d Know that
they're not for naught d
d You were willing once before d
d But it's not like that
anymore d
d What is this downside d
d That you speak of? d
d What is this feeling d
d You're so... d
d Sure of? d
Okay, but you
got to promise.
Okay, I promise...
I won't tell Fiona.
Now, whose house is this?
I'm not sure.
What the hell are we doing here?
Trying to find out
if Steve's cheating.
What?
Tell me that's not a woman's
car parked out front.
Fiona's a big girl.
Fiona takes care of everyone,
but no one takes care of Fiona.
Is this about Candace?
Because Fiona knows
about Candace.
She wouldn't do anything;
too proud.
So we have to.
You're a sweet kid, Debs.
Did you purposefully
order a "Sex on the Beach"
just so I'd say it
to the gay bartender?
Maybe. Maybe I was
hoping you'd actually
take me away someplace so
we could have sex on a beach.
I could barely get you
overnight in a local hotel.
Well, that was then;
this is now.
I just feel like I haven't
seen a lot of you lately.
You-you mean that you'd
like to see more of me?
Yes, I guess
that's what I'm saying.
Usually by this time
in a relationship,
the guy starts just showing up
for late-night booty calls
or wants me to meet his mother.
Either way, I start looking
for reasons to walk.
Well, my mom is in Michigan,
so you don't have to worry.
I think that's the first time
you've ever mentioned your family.
Really?
Not much to say.
I mean... they
live in Michigan.
The whole state?
No, near Detroit.
Dad used to work for GM,
so I try to send back
what I can to help.
Family business...
he builds 'em, you steal 'em.
Come on, let's dance.
Come on.
Liam is officially asleep.
That was fast.
Yeah, well,
three pages
from Deb's Eat, Pray, Love
and he's out.
And if James Franco
wasn't in the movie,
I would've nodded off, too.
Have you got any cash
you can float me?
Florence & the Machine are playing
down at the Chicago Theater.
I really want to take
Karen for her birthday.
Pricey gift.
You think it's getting serious?
Fuck off. She's my best friend.
Okay? You know I'd never spend that
kind of cash on a girl, anyway.
All right, well,
I got a Hamilton,
and it's yours.
Thanks, man.
One, two, three.
God bless Jonah,
my sweet baby boy.
And God bless my husband Clyde.
May those who are caring for him
remind him to take
his blood pressure supplement
and his Glucosamine/Chondroitin
supplement...
so that he can bend down
to pick up our child.
And God bless the other wives,
who are probably on
their knees right now
asking you to bless me...
Separated from her kid?
That's got to suck.
Hopefully, the visit with him
tomorrow will cheer her up.
I'm kind of excited about it.
Having a full house... two kids.
Don't get too excited.
It's only temporary.
Temporary, Kevin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm. Are you gonna
put those in my ass?
'Cause I'm not even gonna feel it.
They're earplugs, babe.
And they're for her.
Oh, good, 'cause
that would've sucked,
trying to fish those out.
Hey... hey...
Wakey, wakey, Jackie Chan.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Frank.
Did we...?
Aw, now... now...
Chins up.
Fuck off.
How'd you know it was me?
I was talking
to my Promisemakers
group, and...
I want you to know
that I understand
that so much of your bad
behavior is my responsibility.
If you leave a dog
in the house alone
for more than eight hours,
you can't get mad at him
for peeing the rug, right?
I found this...
in an album in the basement.
I don't know...
maybe we can try to...
capture more moments
like these together.
Why is it that I feel like you can't
get away from me fast enough?
Because you're paranoid!
Hey, whatever happened
to that computer class
you were gonna take?
They cancelled it.
Not enough people, I guess.
Liam's gonna be up in a second.
I got to get him fed and dressed
and to the clinic
for some shots.
Don't tell Jenny McCarthy.
Hey, Debs.
Steve.
Liam up yet?
Squawkin' a little.
So, everything cool with, uh,
with you and Steve?
What? Why?
No reason... I'm
just checking in.
Hi, baby bottoms!
Did you have sweet dreams?
I thought I was baby bottoms.
No.
I said you have a baby bottom.
Mm, I swore I would never
date a guy whose ass was
smaller than mine, but
I seem to be breaking
a lot of my own rules lately,
don't I?
Don't I?
He's assuming that was rhetorical.
Hey, you want to come by
tonight after Liam's down?
V gave me a copy
of Queen of Outer Space.
Zsa Zsa Gabor at her finest.
We could watch it...
and not watch it. I don't think
I can swing it.
I gotta go to work. Okay.
Mm... ah.
Hey, Steve!
Debs, breakfast?
I'm good.
Breakfast! Hey, Steve, can I
get a ride to the library?
Motorcycle;
no can do.
When did you get motorcycle?
Always had one.
I guess there's a lot I don't
know about you. Truth?
I'm in the CIA, and
this is all just a cover.
Any calls, Kate?
Yeah, actually, some
A-hole was looking for you.
Left this number.
Hand me the phone, will ya?
Your tab is bigger than my ass, and
you smell like kimchi and vomit.
Now, stop that.
Your ass looks great.
Like you in the sack,
make it quick.
I wasn't quick, I was just
busy that day.
Hello.
Yes. I have
Frank Gallagher calling.
Hey, Frankie.
Got great news.
Who-who... who the fuck is this?
Your settlement is in.
Yeah! Which one?
Come see me,
I'll give you the 411.
Hey, everybody!
Next round's on me!
Kev? Veronica?
Didn't you just
clean that yesterday?
Child Protective Services is
bring my baby Jonah for a visit.
Everything has to be just so.
You're so lucky
you have a baby.
How old are you?
Ten and a quarter.
Two more years, and you'll
be old enough to start trying.
Does it hurt?
Sexual relations or childbirth?
Both.
Yes.
Oh, fuck!
He's such a douche bag.
He's on this whole father-
daughter Purity Ball kick.
He wants me to
take a vow of celibacy
so we can rekindle our
father-daughter relationship.
Maybe we could not...
talk about your father right now.
Not what you had
in mind for dirty talk.
Oh! Not exactly.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
- Oh, shh, Carl's right outside. Shh.
- Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Keep going! Oh...!
Yes? Shatterproof, my ass!
Want to go to the planetarium
tonight and get high?
I can't. I'm busy.
Doing what? Danielle?
The less you know, the better.
Are we still on
for Friday night?
Yeah.
Can you give me a hint?
Yeah, but...
I'm not gonna.
Aha.
Crucial Confrontations.
Haven't seen you
here in a while.
Been kind of busy, Simon.
I got a signed first
edition of Harry Potter.
Overrated. Made a better
movie than a book.
And now with all those
kid actors grown up,
they're scarier looking
than the villains.
Hey, can you help me
on the computers?
What do you want to do?
Dig up some dirt.
Name.
Steve... W-W-Wilson?
Wilton? You kind of need to know
what the name is before
you can look it up.
Try Wilton, in Lake Forest.
There are zero in Illinois,
but there are 15
of them nationwide.
Can you do it backwards?
Notliw?
No. I mean,
if I give you an address,
can you work from there?
Hey, um, maybe sometime we
could just casually hang out.
Fine. Fine, yes, we can
casually hang out.
1055 North Ave.
It says the property owners
are Lloyd and Candace Lishman.
Hello, Ms. D-lish.
Cool, then we can, uh,
hang out sometime?
We just did.
She opened an ING
Direct Savings account.
I haven't kept any large bills
in there for months.
Believe me, I've looked.
Do you know where she is?
No idea. How much you need?
I've got to buy
concert tickets. Yikes.
Wish I had it.
Maybe you should take Mrs.
Niedereiter up on her offer.
Well, that should do it,
Mrs. Niedereiter.
There are a lot of dark
corners around my house
that could use some
attention, Phillip.
Thanks for the idea.
You're not seriously
gonna do it?
Well, no, but... I could
smash her birdhouse again.
Hey...
what do you think of Steve?
Ass is kind of small;
not really my type.
You about to retreat
and count your wounded?
No.
Just... just want to know
if I should trust him.
That's like asking if
you should believe in God.
Just be yourself.
Okay.
Okay. Here we go.
Hi. Come in.
Jonah, baby!
Mama missed you so much!
Hi, baby. Hi.
Good afternoon.
I'm Kev.
Mm-hmm.
This is my wife, Veronica.
Hello. Good afternoon.
How you doing?
I'm Andrea Johnson from DCFS,
and I'm here to observe
the home visit today.
So if everything go good,
then Baby Jonah
may stay overnight.
Is your voice dressed
up for Halloween?
Excuse me?
Think we don't know how to...
raise a child?
Come to tell me I don't know
how to be a mother.
Uh, you got it wrong,
sister girl.
I'm here to see how
Ethel mothers, not you.
What do you mean?
Oh, please, have a seat.
That girl's only 13 years old,
but she's still got
her parental rights.
I need to make sure the child can
handle a child, you feel me?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I feel you.
Mm.
Oh! Baby Jonah!
Look at you!
You're hung like
a little bear, aren't you?
Hey, Andrea?
An-dray-ah.
An-dray-ah.
You think we could
apply to get Baby Jonah
as a foster kid, too?
That's gonna be a crap-load
of paperwork for me,
but we do encourage keeping
family members together.
Yay!
All right, then, uh, Eddie's
just down in the basement.
He'll be right up.
And, of course,
you will all get your shoes back
when you go, so don't worry.
It'd be great if mine
came back shined.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho...!
That would be great!
Ah, but at last came a knock,
and I thought of the door
with no lock to lock.
Robert Frost... I was
a poetry major in college.
Oh, sweetie.
Okay, open your Bibles to Psalms 127,
Okay, uh...
verses three to five.
Okay.
You guys are
all... okay.
Oh, sweetie...
Oh!
Oh, you are ripe!
Oh, nothing a little
Puerto Rican bath can't fix.
Oh... honey.
Where were you last night?
I had to spend the
night with the kids.
They needed a little
Frankie time.
Oh. You're such
a good dad.
- Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Sorry, folks.
Had a little plumbing issue.
The house's, not mine.
d I wish I were a Beatle d
d I wish I were
a Rolling Stone d
d I wish I'd always turn up,
I wish I had nowhere to run d
d I wish I was somebody,
I wish I was a great big star. d
Lou?
Frankie boy, how's it hanging?
Still from the left.
Where the hell are you?
Jesus, it's hard to take a piss
with this thing on.
That's a lie. It was the wiping
that was tough.
This from the escalator
thing at the mall?
No, no, no, this is
the train doors
closing on your ankle.
Right.
I haven't been the same since.
Yeah. All I need is
your signature and Monica's,
and the money is all yours...
with the exception
of a third of it,
that goes to me.
Plus expenses.
Sounds fair.
Me... and Monica.
Yay.
That was a hell of warm-up.
Unfortunately, those aren't
the originals.
You two will have to go down
to the city legal offices
and do it in person.
What? I'm supposed to take
off work to go do this?
Of course not,
because as you know,
those injury's prevented you
from working, remember?
Oh, shit.
Hey, look at that.
Client just went into labor.
Is that gonna be a problem,
getting Monica to sign?
No. Why-why would it be
a problem?
If memory serves,
she was a summa cum laude cunt.
Yeah, well, she was
a lot of things.
You even know where she is?
I have a phone number.
I'll make it happen.
Uh-huh. I hope so.
She's a joint claimant
on this thing.
No Monica, no money.
Hey, do me a favor.
Will you feed the dogs before you go?
Bag of dog food
in my desk drawer.
Thanks, buddy.
Uh...
Mmm!
All right, come on!
Get off of her!
Hey, man, it's, uh, it's Lip.
I'm calling you
from a phone booth.
Just hit me back at whatever
number comes up
on your cell, all right?
It's important.
Hey, thanks
for taking long enough
to let me enjoy
the scent of urine.
Yeah, I didn't even know
that phone booths exist anymore.
What's up? Sounded urgent.
Yeah, um, I was just wondering,
do you think you can loan me
a couple bills?
I can pay for a job.
You got a driver's license,
right?
A few of 'em, yeah.
All right, meet me by the L
at 11:00.
Are you screwing
my sister's boyfriend?
If you're selling cookies,
that's a hell
of an opening line.
Do come in.
Can I get you something? Milk?
Soda?
A joint?
It's medicinal.
No, thank you, Mrs. Lishman.
How do you know Steve?
Who is Steve?
He's my sister's boyfriend.
How nice.
So, he's not
pushing it into you?
Hey, Mom, me and Chip are gonna
swing by the hospital
to see Dad, so you
can relax now, okay?
Oh! Thank you, Jimmy.
You take such good care
of your mama bear.
Mmm! Mmm!
Oh! This is, uh...
Debbie.
Debbie Gallagher.
Nice to meet you...
Jimmy.
Jimmy is my youngest.
Top of his class at
Michigan in med school.
He is going to be
a cardio-thoracic surgeon
like his big brother
and his daddy.
And he has been taking
such good care of me
since his father went
into the hospital.
A fender bender;
broke his kneecap.
And you know, doctors make
the worst patients.
Oh, would you like to stay
for dinner, sweetheart?
Oh shit!
I liked her.
Hello? Hello?
Shit. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit!
Frank?
Frank, I... I certainly hope
you're not pooping in there.
It's a closet.
Frank?
You didn't poop
in there, did you?
I was waiting
to surprise you.
Oh.
Surprise!
You got me!
Oh, Frankie.
Hey, do me a favor?
Call this number,
and, and ask if
Monica is there.
And if she is, tell her...
Congratulations!
She's won!
Who's Monica?
Doesn't matter.
What'd she win?
Uh... I don't know.
Whatever.
Uh... a lottery, something.
A lottery?
A prize.
A teddy bear.
What for?
Jesus, with the
questions already!
Just call, say..
It's a teddy bear.
And a hundred bucks.
And she has to pick it up.
Just say that.
Well... I hope this Monica,
whoever she is,
worked really hard
for that prize.
Sheils...
I didn't get a teddy bear!
Sheils... Shit.
Hey.
Hey...
Come on.
She didn't really
win a teddy bear.
But you want to know what?
If I was giving away
teddy bears,
you would be absolutely
top of the list.
If you will do this for me,
I will dress up
any way you want,
no safety word.
Is this Monica?
Well, hello. This is Sheila,
from Market Promotions.
Can I ask you where you do
all of yr grocery shopping?
Well, yes, that's right!
You've won!
First prize!
Congratulations!
It's $100.
Yes. And, um...
What?
Teddy bear.
Teddy bear.
And, and a teddy bear.
And a great big teddy bear.
Hello?
Yeah...
She's crying.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah, no, I've never
won anything either.
Aw...
It's so great.
Yeah. I'm thrilled.
I'm thrilled for you.
Get to the fucking point.
Anyway, prizes will be given out
at 3:00.
At the store.
Yes.
WGN's own Tom Skilling
will be presenting.
She doesn't
know who Tom Skilling is.
I don't know who fucking Tom...
He does the weather.
Tom Skilling, he does
the weather on WGN.
Anyway, 3:00 on the dot.
Jim Ramsey might be there, too.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
He does weekend weather.
Okay... okay...
Congratulations!
See you there, Monica!
What did she say?
Is she, is she, is she coming?
How can you not know who two
of Chicago's weathermen are?
What kind of person
is this Monica?
Is she coming to get
the fucking prize or not?
Yeah. She...
oh, she's going.
She's...
she's excited about
that teddy bear.
You know, not sure
I can prove it, but...
I think it's colder
on the North Side.
Let me take you home, Debs.
I'm not supposed to
take rides from strangers.
And it's clear that
you are a stranger.
Oh, man.
Are you gonna tell Fiona?
Exactly what am I
supposed to tell her?
That your name isn't Steve?
That you have a family
in Chicago she's never met?
Or that your mom
kisses you on the lips?
Which is really gross,
by the way.
Life gets really complicated
when you're an adult.
I mean, you can't
possibly understand
these things right now.
I understand that you
lied to my sister.
Why?
Because I was raised
by a pack of wolves.
Just like you were.
Only my wolves went to Harvard.
You know they have Red Wolves
at Lincoln Park Zoo.
Maybe we could go
check them out sometime.
Trying to distract me
by asking me out on a date?
I do not want to be a doctor.
I do not want to be like
the rest of my family.
What I want is Fiona.
I love her!
Love is fleeting, Jimmy.
What are your intentions?
You're distracting her,
and I need her in the game
for at least a few more years.
I can't have you
breaking her heart,
or running off with her.
So if you're not serious
about sticking around,
back off now.
I bought her a house.
Is that serious enough?
You what?
Come on.
I'll show you.
Really?
Yeah.
Yes! Yes!
This was
Mr. Harris's house.
They said he died
of lung cancer,
but we're all pretty sure
it was full-blown AIDS.
Oh. My. God.
Has Fiona seen it?
No, she doesn't
know about it yet.
I was going to, you know,
fix it up a bit,
and surprise her
when the time is right.
Think we could build
an above-ground walkway
that connects the two houses?
What, like a Habitrail tube?
That would be awesome.
Are you going to tell Fiona?
Don't know yet, Jimmy.
Saw a really cool
pink vest at the mall.
Really?
And I could use a new
rolling pin and flour sifter.
Sheila's teaching me
how to bake.
Anything else?
Not for the moment.
So...
which room will be mine
when I sleep over?
Not going out with that
Gallagher degenerate tonight?
Good.
You deserve better.
I've been reading more about
this Purity Ball thing.
It says here you can
"re-dedicate yourself
as a virgin."
Start over.
Isn't that nice?
I mean, you show up,
confess your transgressions,
and pledge yourself to be pure
again, in the eyes of the Lord.
I'll give you the damn car.
Really?
Fiona would be pissed
if she knew you were
into this shit with me.
Well, what she doesn't
know won't hurt her, right?
All right.
Task at hand.
You'll be driving
the follow car.
The golden rule:
always use a follow car.
Nice silver Mercedes.
Nice security camera
at the intersection.
Wait, why don't we head up
to some asshole town,
like Lake Forest?
Plenty of douche-mobiles up there. No.
No, I was just thinking that, you know...
Listen, no.
200 bucks to follow me
after I lift the car,
you get your concert tickets,
I get my work done.
That's it. Okay?
All right, man.
Shit.
Rule number two:
always remember where
you park the follow car.
Fuck.
Monica.
Monica?
Deb.
Jimmy.
Fiona's next door with Liam.
That my "shut-up gift"?
Well, I like to think of it
as a peace offering.
Peace offering
implies a one-time thing.
This could take a while.
How long?
Till I'm sure that
you're not still lying.
Okay. I gotta get back
up to Lake Forest.
They're releasing my dad
from the hospital.
I'm gonna pick him up,
I'm gonna take him home.
You know everything there is
to know. No more secrets.
I promise.
Sifter sifts, and
rolling pin rolls.
Nice when things do
what the say they will.
Jimmy.
Steve.
Is this your idea
of a joke, huh?
'Cause you're scared of women
with an opinion, yeah?
Yeah, watch this crinkle-dick.
I'll show you what's funny
when I rip your fucking face
off your fuckin' head!
Out of the way, Monica!
- Get out of the way now!
- Put the shovel down. Please!
I'm sorry.
Who lies about a teddy bear?
Wasting my fucking time.
Are you sure this is even
the right store? Yes.
They specifically
said this store?
Yes, I told you yes.
I wrote it down.
I wrote everything down.
Stop talking to me
like I'm stupid.
Frank?
Frank!
What?!
Frank!
Start the car!
What?
Go, go, go!
What the fuck, Frank?
She saw me.
What's going on?
Come on, we gotta
get outta here! Go!
I'm gonna rip it off
when I catch you!
Can't this piece of shit
go any faster?!
No.
Monica's batting
for the other team.
What?!
My wife's a fucking lesbian!
Shit!
Hmph!
d You're gonna look over, you
never know what you'll find... d
Go! Go!
Shut up, Frank!
Go! Go!
d But we'll stop,
but we'll stop d
d But we'll stop! d
Fuck off, lesbos!
I would say my advice
to you would be
to let Fiona live in
her own relationship.
You can't do it for her.
There's things you should know.
Well, sometimes, sweetie,
when people are in love,
they don't tell someone
everything for a reason.
That's like lying.
No, sweetie, it's just...
it's a little editing.
Now the sifting. See?
We separate and aerate
those flour particles
to make them absorb
liquids better.
Someone should sift my dad.
Oh, you Gallaghers.
You're all so funny.
Frank!
This is bullshit, Frank!
Bar the door!
Lock the door!
What is happening?!
It's okay, Sheila.
It's just my dad.
I thought we lost 'em.
Did you even have
a plan back there?
I was going to charm her
into signing once she was there.
How the hell was I
supposed to know
she would show up with ghetto
Godzilla in a Peterbilt.
I am seriously this close
to punching you in the dick.
Get...
They're just girls.
Stop. You talk to them.
I need the key
to the back door.
That is not a sexual euphemism.
I need the fucking key.
What did you do with it?
I-I-I don't know. I can't think when
you yell, Frank. I'm not yelling.
What'd you do with the key?
You're still yelling.
I need the key, Sheila.
Okay, okay, it's by the...
it's by the...
it's by the washing machine.
It's not by the washing machine.
Yes, it is. I put it
by the washing machine.
It's not by the...
Mom.
It-it's Mom.
Debbie.
Oh, my sweet pea.
What the fuck
are you looking at?!
Hey, look, I got nothing
to do with it, all right?
I'm just the driver.
Sit.
Sit your ass down.
Oh...
That was a nasty trick.
Even for you, Frank.
I had my heart set
on that teddy bear.
Oh, poor Monica.
Well, what about your kids?!
Remember?
The six kids?
Youngest was only
two months old
before you ran off.
Ended up with...
fucking Shrek here.
You want me to step
in here, Monica?
No, I didn't leave you, Frank.
Yes, you did.
I didn't choose
to leave my family.
You almost destroyed me.
When I turned up at
Roberta's that night,
- I was an...
- Emotional cripple!
Oh, bullshit.
With not one ounce
of self-respect.
You almost destroyed me.
I'm gonna start crying.
You drove me into
the ground, Frank.
You-you robbed me
of any sense of dignity
I ever had,
and...
Where's the rest of the kids?
They're out playing.
They live down at Fiona's.
You mind putting some bags on?
Can you... can you put some bags on your feet?
Bags on my feet?
- Take your shoes off.
- I need you to put bags on.
Don't, don't don't.
Hell hath no fury
like popcorn burned.
Is Steve coming?
Hope so.
Are you guys going to make
a baby while we watch Cosmos?
'Cause that's going
to make me throw up.
Billions and billions of sperm.
Ew!
Steve, please turn it on
already.
Yeah, hurry up.
I gotta get back to work.
Ooh!
Cool.
Hey.
And what our faith may be.
Missed you, stranger.
You, too.
Get a room.
- Get your tickets?
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Glad I could help.
Glad you're glad.
Steve.
And birds...
Oh, this popcorn's burnt.
Our microwave sucks.
That doesn't mean I want
you to buy us a new one.
The universe is
smaller than atoms.
But it's also the story
of our own planet. Debs?
Honey, what happened?
What, Dad have
one too many again?
You just got to ignore him
when he's like that, Debs.
Why do you always
blame Dad first?
Who else is there?
She's over at Sheila's.
Who?
Monica.
Relationships of the
awesome machinery of nature.
Who the hell is Monica?
Her mother.
On this shore, we've learned...
Debs.
What do you care?!
You'll be living with Steve in
that house he bought next door!
Some part of our being knows...
Surprise.
Because the cosmos
is also within us.
We're made of star stuff.
I'm going to work.
Ian, come on, wait.
Mommy! Mommy!
I know.
Mommy!
Mommy!
Worlds of ice
and stars of diamonds.
Atoms and masses...
What the fuck?
I need to see you.
- Not a good time.
- Who keeps hanging
their fucking laundry
on my pull-up bar?!
I-I-I don't know
where else to go.
I thought you were
working today.
Uh, Linda's gonna have my ass.
I'm supposed to be there now.
I'll meet you there in 20.
Oh, bullshit!
You physically abused me.
What?! When?!
The Fourth of July.
Oh, come on, you
hit me in the face
with a tray of apple pan dowdy.
And you hit me back.
Yeah, after you broke my nose
and scratched my cornea.
Oh, yeah? What about this?
Oh, come on, you
started that one.
And I'll finish it
if you lay a finger on her.
Roberta...
Bob. Only Moni
called me Roberta.
All right, well Bob,
we're just in the way here
and we should make our exit
and leave Monica
for her apologies.
Apologies?
For walking out
on this piece of shit?
No, for walking out on them.
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
I'm not one of yours.
Just came to rubberneck.
Alhamdu lillah!
Ian, I did it.
Linda's pregnant.
Ian. Finally knocked her up.
Where are you?
I did it.
It's over.
What the fuck?!
Sign the name! Sign the name!
You're all so big.
I missed you so much.
Well, why didn't you
take us with you?
Because...
I knew you'd be fine
with Fiona.
Fucking right you
keep your mouth shut.
You better keep it shut.
You hear me?
Put the candy back, Mickey.
Mm. That's sweet.
I like 'em sweet.
But then, uh...
so do you, huh?
Huh?
Put it back.
Now.
Fuck!
Kash, what are you doing?
It's a fucking Snickers bar!
Fuck!
Holy shit!
Jesus Chr...!
You okay?
Fuck!
Hey, hey, listen to me.
You fuckin' suck!
Thought you were at work.
There was a shooting.
Mickey and Kash.
Holy shit, Mickey shot Kash?
Kash shot Mickey.
What?
In the leg. He's fine.
I just wanted to get out of
there before the cops got there.
What'd I miss with Mom?
Well, you know how Dad's
a total fucking asshole?
Yeah.
Turns out he's the good one.
Oh, I can't believe you sucked
me back in here for money!
I did no such thing.
But since you're in town, why don't
you sign up for this little thing
and I will cut you in...
Oh, fuck you, Frank!
Wait, you brought
her back here?
Oh, Ian.
Wait, you knew where
she was the whole time?
Okay, look, this little reunion
was bound to happen
sooner or later anyway.
We were thinking about coming around
to talk to you about something else.
No, no... Yes, now. Yes, now.
Moni and I want to take
Liam to live with us.
What?!
Over my dead body.
How about Moni sign whatever
the hell it is you need...
we get Liam.
Done.
No fucking way!
You can't have Liam.
Why the hell not?
He's not even Frank's.
Fact is,
Liam is black.
All you white folks scooping up black
babies like fashion accessories
have a rude awakening coming.
There will be a backlash
if people don't stop
underestimating the
cultural importance
of a black parent
raising a black baby.
Liam needs me
and he's coming with us.
Out of the fucking
question, Roberta.
Roberta and I want to
start a family of our own.
Well, how about you
finish this one first.
They're taking Liam?
No!
Yes!
No, nobody's taking
anyone anywhere.
You don't get
to abandon your kids
and then show up one day
to take your pick of the litter.
Oh, now that's not fair.
Your mother's made mistakes,
but she's here now.
- That's got to count for something.
- Shut up, Frank!
This isn't about you.
This is about you.
This is about what
you didn't do.
It's about what I did.
And you know what?
I did a fucking great job.
Debbie is class president.
She's on the debate team,
going to nationals.
And Lip, he's top of his class.
He set the curve.
Ian was promoted in ROTC
and he tested out of English.
And Carl made something
blow up for his science fair.
And you know what, they did
it all, no thanks to you!
Because you weren't here!
And I appreciate that, Fiona.
But I'm here now.
And Liam
belongs with me.
He doesn't even
know who you are.
I'm his mother!
You were my mother, too!
I don't!
I don't know!
Maybe I'll never be able
to make things right with you...
but there's still
time with Liam.
And Debbie and Carl,
I am so sorry if I hurt you.
See, I love you so much.
Please let me be
your mommy again. Please?
You know what?
You're right.
You are their mother.
And you're here now.
So I'm done.
I'm done with the school
and the bills and the clinics.
I'm done.
They're all yours now, Mom.
Good luck.
d Baby blue... d
d This is not the sky... d
d That you know... d
Come here.
d You want to fly... d
Show me the house?
Yeah.
a great party last week.
Say hello to your
new foster family, Ethel.
You're one of five wives?
Married to a dude named Clyde?
Who's 65 years old?
Would it be all right if
my son Jonah came to visit?
Keep laughing,
and I will slit your throat
while you sleep.
Shoplifting is out of hand.
Did Mickey pay for that?
You have to stand up to him.
Tried that once
with his father.
Now hold it like you want
to do something with it.
Mickey? Again?
What was I supposed to do,
shoot him over a cup of soup?
No touching the forbidden fruit
until I'm knocked up.
Slept with someone.
Not cash.
Guess this was like
a booty call, huh?
Yes.
Steve got a text from Candace.
Is he dating someone else?
Who the fuck is Candace?
We work together.
That's all.
I'm home.
Little brother!
Hey, you.
Mmm.
d Think of all the luck
you got d
d Know that it's
not for naught d
d You were beaming once before d
d But it's not
like that anymore d
d What is this downside d
d That you speak of? d
d What is this feeling d
d You're so sure of? d
d
d
d Round up the friends you got d
d Know that
they're not for naught d
d You were willing once before d
d But it's not like that
anymore d
d What is this downside d
d That you speak of? d
d What is this feeling d
d You're so... d
d Sure of? d
Okay, but you
got to promise.
Okay, I promise...
I won't tell Fiona.
Now, whose house is this?
I'm not sure.
What the hell are we doing here?
Trying to find out
if Steve's cheating.
What?
Tell me that's not a woman's
car parked out front.
Fiona's a big girl.
Fiona takes care of everyone,
but no one takes care of Fiona.
Is this about Candace?
Because Fiona knows
about Candace.
She wouldn't do anything;
too proud.
So we have to.
You're a sweet kid, Debs.
Did you purposefully
order a "Sex on the Beach"
just so I'd say it
to the gay bartender?
Maybe. Maybe I was
hoping you'd actually
take me away someplace so
we could have sex on a beach.
I could barely get you
overnight in a local hotel.
Well, that was then;
this is now.
I just feel like I haven't
seen a lot of you lately.
You-you mean that you'd
like to see more of me?
Yes, I guess
that's what I'm saying.
Usually by this time
in a relationship,
the guy starts just showing up
for late-night booty calls
or wants me to meet his mother.
Either way, I start looking
for reasons to walk.
Well, my mom is in Michigan,
so you don't have to worry.
I think that's the first time
you've ever mentioned your family.
Really?
Not much to say.
I mean... they
live in Michigan.
The whole state?
No, near Detroit.
Dad used to work for GM,
so I try to send back
what I can to help.
Family business...
he builds 'em, you steal 'em.
Come on, let's dance.
Come on.
Liam is officially asleep.
That was fast.
Yeah, well,
three pages
from Deb's Eat, Pray, Love
and he's out.
And if James Franco
wasn't in the movie,
I would've nodded off, too.
Have you got any cash
you can float me?
Florence & the Machine are playing
down at the Chicago Theater.
I really want to take
Karen for her birthday.
Pricey gift.
You think it's getting serious?
Fuck off. She's my best friend.
Okay? You know I'd never spend that
kind of cash on a girl, anyway.
All right, well,
I got a Hamilton,
and it's yours.
Thanks, man.
One, two, three.
God bless Jonah,
my sweet baby boy.
And God bless my husband Clyde.
May those who are caring for him
remind him to take
his blood pressure supplement
and his Glucosamine/Chondroitin
supplement...
so that he can bend down
to pick up our child.
And God bless the other wives,
who are probably on
their knees right now
asking you to bless me...
Separated from her kid?
That's got to suck.
Hopefully, the visit with him
tomorrow will cheer her up.
I'm kind of excited about it.
Having a full house... two kids.
Don't get too excited.
It's only temporary.
Temporary, Kevin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm. Are you gonna
put those in my ass?
'Cause I'm not even gonna feel it.
They're earplugs, babe.
And they're for her.
Oh, good, 'cause
that would've sucked,
trying to fish those out.
Hey... hey...
Wakey, wakey, Jackie Chan.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Frank.
Did we...?
Aw, now... now...
Chins up.
Fuck off.
How'd you know it was me?
I was talking
to my Promisemakers
group, and...
I want you to know
that I understand
that so much of your bad
behavior is my responsibility.
If you leave a dog
in the house alone
for more than eight hours,
you can't get mad at him
for peeing the rug, right?
I found this...
in an album in the basement.
I don't know...
maybe we can try to...
capture more moments
like these together.
Why is it that I feel like you can't
get away from me fast enough?
Because you're paranoid!
Hey, whatever happened
to that computer class
you were gonna take?
They cancelled it.
Not enough people, I guess.
Liam's gonna be up in a second.
I got to get him fed and dressed
and to the clinic
for some shots.
Don't tell Jenny McCarthy.
Hey, Debs.
Steve.
Liam up yet?
Squawkin' a little.
So, everything cool with, uh,
with you and Steve?
What? Why?
No reason... I'm
just checking in.
Hi, baby bottoms!
Did you have sweet dreams?
I thought I was baby bottoms.
No.
I said you have a baby bottom.
Mm, I swore I would never
date a guy whose ass was
smaller than mine, but
I seem to be breaking
a lot of my own rules lately,
don't I?
Don't I?
He's assuming that was rhetorical.
Hey, you want to come by
tonight after Liam's down?
V gave me a copy
of Queen of Outer Space.
Zsa Zsa Gabor at her finest.
We could watch it...
and not watch it. I don't think
I can swing it.
I gotta go to work. Okay.
Mm... ah.
Hey, Steve!
Debs, breakfast?
I'm good.
Breakfast! Hey, Steve, can I
get a ride to the library?
Motorcycle;
no can do.
When did you get motorcycle?
Always had one.
I guess there's a lot I don't
know about you. Truth?
I'm in the CIA, and
this is all just a cover.
Any calls, Kate?
Yeah, actually, some
A-hole was looking for you.
Left this number.
Hand me the phone, will ya?
Your tab is bigger than my ass, and
you smell like kimchi and vomit.
Now, stop that.
Your ass looks great.
Like you in the sack,
make it quick.
I wasn't quick, I was just
busy that day.
Hello.
Yes. I have
Frank Gallagher calling.
Hey, Frankie.
Got great news.
Who-who... who the fuck is this?
Your settlement is in.
Yeah! Which one?
Come see me,
I'll give you the 411.
Hey, everybody!
Next round's on me!
Kev? Veronica?
Didn't you just
clean that yesterday?
Child Protective Services is
bring my baby Jonah for a visit.
Everything has to be just so.
You're so lucky
you have a baby.
How old are you?
Ten and a quarter.
Two more years, and you'll
be old enough to start trying.
Does it hurt?
Sexual relations or childbirth?
Both.
Yes.
Oh, fuck!
He's such a douche bag.
He's on this whole father-
daughter Purity Ball kick.
He wants me to
take a vow of celibacy
so we can rekindle our
father-daughter relationship.
Maybe we could not...
talk about your father right now.
Not what you had
in mind for dirty talk.
Oh! Not exactly.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
- Oh, shh, Carl's right outside. Shh.
- Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
- Keep going! Oh...!
Yes? Shatterproof, my ass!
Want to go to the planetarium
tonight and get high?
I can't. I'm busy.
Doing what? Danielle?
The less you know, the better.
Are we still on
for Friday night?
Yeah.
Can you give me a hint?
Yeah, but...
I'm not gonna.
Aha.
Crucial Confrontations.
Haven't seen you
here in a while.
Been kind of busy, Simon.
I got a signed first
edition of Harry Potter.
Overrated. Made a better
movie than a book.
And now with all those
kid actors grown up,
they're scarier looking
than the villains.
Hey, can you help me
on the computers?
What do you want to do?
Dig up some dirt.
Name.
Steve... W-W-Wilson?
Wilton? You kind of need to know
what the name is before
you can look it up.
Try Wilton, in Lake Forest.
There are zero in Illinois,
but there are 15
of them nationwide.
Can you do it backwards?
Notliw?
No. I mean,
if I give you an address,
can you work from there?
Hey, um, maybe sometime we
could just casually hang out.
Fine. Fine, yes, we can
casually hang out.
1055 North Ave.
It says the property owners
are Lloyd and Candace Lishman.
Hello, Ms. D-lish.
Cool, then we can, uh,
hang out sometime?
We just did.
She opened an ING
Direct Savings account.
I haven't kept any large bills
in there for months.
Believe me, I've looked.
Do you know where she is?
No idea. How much you need?
I've got to buy
concert tickets. Yikes.
Wish I had it.
Maybe you should take Mrs.
Niedereiter up on her offer.
Well, that should do it,
Mrs. Niedereiter.
There are a lot of dark
corners around my house
that could use some
attention, Phillip.
Thanks for the idea.
You're not seriously
gonna do it?
Well, no, but... I could
smash her birdhouse again.
Hey...
what do you think of Steve?
Ass is kind of small;
not really my type.
You about to retreat
and count your wounded?
No.
Just... just want to know
if I should trust him.
That's like asking if
you should believe in God.
Just be yourself.
Okay.
Okay. Here we go.
Hi. Come in.
Jonah, baby!
Mama missed you so much!
Hi, baby. Hi.
Good afternoon.
I'm Kev.
Mm-hmm.
This is my wife, Veronica.
Hello. Good afternoon.
How you doing?
I'm Andrea Johnson from DCFS,
and I'm here to observe
the home visit today.
So if everything go good,
then Baby Jonah
may stay overnight.
Is your voice dressed
up for Halloween?
Excuse me?
Think we don't know how to...
raise a child?
Come to tell me I don't know
how to be a mother.
Uh, you got it wrong,
sister girl.
I'm here to see how
Ethel mothers, not you.
What do you mean?
Oh, please, have a seat.
That girl's only 13 years old,
but she's still got
her parental rights.
I need to make sure the child can
handle a child, you feel me?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I feel you.
Mm.
Oh! Baby Jonah!
Look at you!
You're hung like
a little bear, aren't you?
Hey, Andrea?
An-dray-ah.
An-dray-ah.
You think we could
apply to get Baby Jonah
as a foster kid, too?
That's gonna be a crap-load
of paperwork for me,
but we do encourage keeping
family members together.
Yay!
All right, then, uh, Eddie's
just down in the basement.
He'll be right up.
And, of course,
you will all get your shoes back
when you go, so don't worry.
It'd be great if mine
came back shined.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho...!
That would be great!
Ah, but at last came a knock,
and I thought of the door
with no lock to lock.
Robert Frost... I was
a poetry major in college.
Oh, sweetie.
Okay, open your Bibles to Psalms 127,
Okay, uh...
verses three to five.
Okay.
You guys are
all... okay.
Oh, sweetie...
Oh!
Oh, you are ripe!
Oh, nothing a little
Puerto Rican bath can't fix.
Oh... honey.
Where were you last night?
I had to spend the
night with the kids.
They needed a little
Frankie time.
Oh. You're such
a good dad.
- Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Sorry, folks.
Had a little plumbing issue.
The house's, not mine.
d I wish I were a Beatle d
d I wish I were
a Rolling Stone d
d I wish I'd always turn up,
I wish I had nowhere to run d
d I wish I was somebody,
I wish I was a great big star. d
Lou?
Frankie boy, how's it hanging?
Still from the left.
Where the hell are you?
Jesus, it's hard to take a piss
with this thing on.
That's a lie. It was the wiping
that was tough.
This from the escalator
thing at the mall?
No, no, no, this is
the train doors
closing on your ankle.
Right.
I haven't been the same since.
Yeah. All I need is
your signature and Monica's,
and the money is all yours...
with the exception
of a third of it,
that goes to me.
Plus expenses.
Sounds fair.
Me... and Monica.
Yay.
That was a hell of warm-up.
Unfortunately, those aren't
the originals.
You two will have to go down
to the city legal offices
and do it in person.
What? I'm supposed to take
off work to go do this?
Of course not,
because as you know,
those injury's prevented you
from working, remember?
Oh, shit.
Hey, look at that.
Client just went into labor.
Is that gonna be a problem,
getting Monica to sign?
No. Why-why would it be
a problem?
If memory serves,
she was a summa cum laude cunt.
Yeah, well, she was
a lot of things.
You even know where she is?
I have a phone number.
I'll make it happen.
Uh-huh. I hope so.
She's a joint claimant
on this thing.
No Monica, no money.
Hey, do me a favor.
Will you feed the dogs before you go?
Bag of dog food
in my desk drawer.
Thanks, buddy.
Uh...
Mmm!
All right, come on!
Get off of her!
Hey, man, it's, uh, it's Lip.
I'm calling you
from a phone booth.
Just hit me back at whatever
number comes up
on your cell, all right?
It's important.
Hey, thanks
for taking long enough
to let me enjoy
the scent of urine.
Yeah, I didn't even know
that phone booths exist anymore.
What's up? Sounded urgent.
Yeah, um, I was just wondering,
do you think you can loan me
a couple bills?
I can pay for a job.
You got a driver's license,
right?
A few of 'em, yeah.
All right, meet me by the L
at 11:00.
Are you screwing
my sister's boyfriend?
If you're selling cookies,
that's a hell
of an opening line.
Do come in.
Can I get you something? Milk?
Soda?
A joint?
It's medicinal.
No, thank you, Mrs. Lishman.
How do you know Steve?
Who is Steve?
He's my sister's boyfriend.
How nice.
So, he's not
pushing it into you?
Hey, Mom, me and Chip are gonna
swing by the hospital
to see Dad, so you
can relax now, okay?
Oh! Thank you, Jimmy.
You take such good care
of your mama bear.
Mmm! Mmm!
Oh! This is, uh...
Debbie.
Debbie Gallagher.
Nice to meet you...
Jimmy.
Jimmy is my youngest.
Top of his class at
Michigan in med school.
He is going to be
a cardio-thoracic surgeon
like his big brother
and his daddy.
And he has been taking
such good care of me
since his father went
into the hospital.
A fender bender;
broke his kneecap.
And you know, doctors make
the worst patients.
Oh, would you like to stay
for dinner, sweetheart?
Oh shit!
I liked her.
Hello? Hello?
Shit. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit!
Frank?
Frank, I... I certainly hope
you're not pooping in there.
It's a closet.
Frank?
You didn't poop
in there, did you?
I was waiting
to surprise you.
Oh.
Surprise!
You got me!
Oh, Frankie.
Hey, do me a favor?
Call this number,
and, and ask if
Monica is there.
And if she is, tell her...
Congratulations!
She's won!
Who's Monica?
Doesn't matter.
What'd she win?
Uh... I don't know.
Whatever.
Uh... a lottery, something.
A lottery?
A prize.
A teddy bear.
What for?
Jesus, with the
questions already!
Just call, say..
It's a teddy bear.
And a hundred bucks.
And she has to pick it up.
Just say that.
Well... I hope this Monica,
whoever she is,
worked really hard
for that prize.
Sheils...
I didn't get a teddy bear!
Sheils... Shit.
Hey.
Hey...
Come on.
She didn't really
win a teddy bear.
But you want to know what?
If I was giving away
teddy bears,
you would be absolutely
top of the list.
If you will do this for me,
I will dress up
any way you want,
no safety word.
Is this Monica?
Well, hello. This is Sheila,
from Market Promotions.
Can I ask you where you do
all of yr grocery shopping?
Well, yes, that's right!
You've won!
First prize!
Congratulations!
It's $100.
Yes. And, um...
What?
Teddy bear.
Teddy bear.
And, and a teddy bear.
And a great big teddy bear.
Hello?
Yeah...
She's crying.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, yeah, no, I've never
won anything either.
Aw...
It's so great.
Yeah. I'm thrilled.
I'm thrilled for you.
Get to the fucking point.
Anyway, prizes will be given out
at 3:00.
At the store.
Yes.
WGN's own Tom Skilling
will be presenting.
She doesn't
know who Tom Skilling is.
I don't know who fucking Tom...
He does the weather.
Tom Skilling, he does
the weather on WGN.
Anyway, 3:00 on the dot.
Jim Ramsey might be there, too.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
He does weekend weather.
Okay... okay...
Congratulations!
See you there, Monica!
What did she say?
Is she, is she, is she coming?
How can you not know who two
of Chicago's weathermen are?
What kind of person
is this Monica?
Is she coming to get
the fucking prize or not?
Yeah. She...
oh, she's going.
She's...
she's excited about
that teddy bear.
You know, not sure
I can prove it, but...
I think it's colder
on the North Side.
Let me take you home, Debs.
I'm not supposed to
take rides from strangers.
And it's clear that
you are a stranger.
Oh, man.
Are you gonna tell Fiona?
Exactly what am I
supposed to tell her?
That your name isn't Steve?
That you have a family
in Chicago she's never met?
Or that your mom
kisses you on the lips?
Which is really gross,
by the way.
Life gets really complicated
when you're an adult.
I mean, you can't
possibly understand
these things right now.
I understand that you
lied to my sister.
Why?
Because I was raised
by a pack of wolves.
Just like you were.
Only my wolves went to Harvard.
You know they have Red Wolves
at Lincoln Park Zoo.
Maybe we could go
check them out sometime.
Trying to distract me
by asking me out on a date?
I do not want to be a doctor.
I do not want to be like
the rest of my family.
What I want is Fiona.
I love her!
Love is fleeting, Jimmy.
What are your intentions?
You're distracting her,
and I need her in the game
for at least a few more years.
I can't have you
breaking her heart,
or running off with her.
So if you're not serious
about sticking around,
back off now.
I bought her a house.
Is that serious enough?
You what?
Come on.
I'll show you.
Really?
Yeah.
Yes! Yes!
This was
Mr. Harris's house.
They said he died
of lung cancer,
but we're all pretty sure
it was full-blown AIDS.
Oh. My. God.
Has Fiona seen it?
No, she doesn't
know about it yet.
I was going to, you know,
fix it up a bit,
and surprise her
when the time is right.
Think we could build
an above-ground walkway
that connects the two houses?
What, like a Habitrail tube?
That would be awesome.
Are you going to tell Fiona?
Don't know yet, Jimmy.
Saw a really cool
pink vest at the mall.
Really?
And I could use a new
rolling pin and flour sifter.
Sheila's teaching me
how to bake.
Anything else?
Not for the moment.
So...
which room will be mine
when I sleep over?
Not going out with that
Gallagher degenerate tonight?
Good.
You deserve better.
I've been reading more about
this Purity Ball thing.
It says here you can
"re-dedicate yourself
as a virgin."
Start over.
Isn't that nice?
I mean, you show up,
confess your transgressions,
and pledge yourself to be pure
again, in the eyes of the Lord.
I'll give you the damn car.
Really?
Fiona would be pissed
if she knew you were
into this shit with me.
Well, what she doesn't
know won't hurt her, right?
All right.
Task at hand.
You'll be driving
the follow car.
The golden rule:
always use a follow car.
Nice silver Mercedes.
Nice security camera
at the intersection.
Wait, why don't we head up
to some asshole town,
like Lake Forest?
Plenty of douche-mobiles up there. No.
No, I was just thinking that, you know...
Listen, no.
200 bucks to follow me
after I lift the car,
you get your concert tickets,
I get my work done.
That's it. Okay?
All right, man.
Shit.
Rule number two:
always remember where
you park the follow car.
Fuck.
Monica.
Monica?
Deb.
Jimmy.
Fiona's next door with Liam.
That my "shut-up gift"?
Well, I like to think of it
as a peace offering.
Peace offering
implies a one-time thing.
This could take a while.
How long?
Till I'm sure that
you're not still lying.
Okay. I gotta get back
up to Lake Forest.
They're releasing my dad
from the hospital.
I'm gonna pick him up,
I'm gonna take him home.
You know everything there is
to know. No more secrets.
I promise.
Sifter sifts, and
rolling pin rolls.
Nice when things do
what the say they will.
Jimmy.
Steve.
Is this your idea
of a joke, huh?
'Cause you're scared of women
with an opinion, yeah?
Yeah, watch this crinkle-dick.
I'll show you what's funny
when I rip your fucking face
off your fuckin' head!
Out of the way, Monica!
- Get out of the way now!
- Put the shovel down. Please!
I'm sorry.
Who lies about a teddy bear?
Wasting my fucking time.
Are you sure this is even
the right store? Yes.
They specifically
said this store?
Yes, I told you yes.
I wrote it down.
I wrote everything down.
Stop talking to me
like I'm stupid.
Frank?
Frank!
What?!
Frank!
Start the car!
What?
Go, go, go!
What the fuck, Frank?
She saw me.
What's going on?
Come on, we gotta
get outta here! Go!
I'm gonna rip it off
when I catch you!
Can't this piece of shit
go any faster?!
No.
Monica's batting
for the other team.
What?!
My wife's a fucking lesbian!
Shit!
Hmph!
d You're gonna look over, you
never know what you'll find... d
Go! Go!
Shut up, Frank!
Go! Go!
d But we'll stop,
but we'll stop d
d But we'll stop! d
Fuck off, lesbos!
I would say my advice
to you would be
to let Fiona live in
her own relationship.
You can't do it for her.
There's things you should know.
Well, sometimes, sweetie,
when people are in love,
they don't tell someone
everything for a reason.
That's like lying.
No, sweetie, it's just...
it's a little editing.
Now the sifting. See?
We separate and aerate
those flour particles
to make them absorb
liquids better.
Someone should sift my dad.
Oh, you Gallaghers.
You're all so funny.
Frank!
This is bullshit, Frank!
Bar the door!
Lock the door!
What is happening?!
It's okay, Sheila.
It's just my dad.
I thought we lost 'em.
Did you even have
a plan back there?
I was going to charm her
into signing once she was there.
How the hell was I
supposed to know
she would show up with ghetto
Godzilla in a Peterbilt.
I am seriously this close
to punching you in the dick.
Get...
They're just girls.
Stop. You talk to them.
I need the key
to the back door.
That is not a sexual euphemism.
I need the fucking key.
What did you do with it?
I-I-I don't know. I can't think when
you yell, Frank. I'm not yelling.
What'd you do with the key?
You're still yelling.
I need the key, Sheila.
Okay, okay, it's by the...
it's by the...
it's by the washing machine.
It's not by the washing machine.
Yes, it is. I put it
by the washing machine.
It's not by the...
Mom.
It-it's Mom.
Debbie.
Oh, my sweet pea.
What the fuck
are you looking at?!
Hey, look, I got nothing
to do with it, all right?
I'm just the driver.
Sit.
Sit your ass down.
Oh...
That was a nasty trick.
Even for you, Frank.
I had my heart set
on that teddy bear.
Oh, poor Monica.
Well, what about your kids?!
Remember?
The six kids?
Youngest was only
two months old
before you ran off.
Ended up with...
fucking Shrek here.
You want me to step
in here, Monica?
No, I didn't leave you, Frank.
Yes, you did.
I didn't choose
to leave my family.
You almost destroyed me.
When I turned up at
Roberta's that night,
- I was an...
- Emotional cripple!
Oh, bullshit.
With not one ounce
of self-respect.
You almost destroyed me.
I'm gonna start crying.
You drove me into
the ground, Frank.
You-you robbed me
of any sense of dignity
I ever had,
and...
Where's the rest of the kids?
They're out playing.
They live down at Fiona's.
You mind putting some bags on?
Can you... can you put some bags on your feet?
Bags on my feet?
- Take your shoes off.
- I need you to put bags on.
Don't, don't don't.
Hell hath no fury
like popcorn burned.
Is Steve coming?
Hope so.
Are you guys going to make
a baby while we watch Cosmos?
'Cause that's going
to make me throw up.
Billions and billions of sperm.
Ew!
Steve, please turn it on
already.
Yeah, hurry up.
I gotta get back to work.
Ooh!
Cool.
Hey.
And what our faith may be.
Missed you, stranger.
You, too.
Get a room.
- Get your tickets?
- Oh, yeah. Thanks.
Glad I could help.
Glad you're glad.
Steve.
And birds...
Oh, this popcorn's burnt.
Our microwave sucks.
That doesn't mean I want
you to buy us a new one.
The universe is
smaller than atoms.
But it's also the story
of our own planet. Debs?
Honey, what happened?
What, Dad have
one too many again?
You just got to ignore him
when he's like that, Debs.
Why do you always
blame Dad first?
Who else is there?
She's over at Sheila's.
Who?
Monica.
Relationships of the
awesome machinery of nature.
Who the hell is Monica?
Her mother.
On this shore, we've learned...
Debs.
What do you care?!
You'll be living with Steve in
that house he bought next door!
Some part of our being knows...
Surprise.
Because the cosmos
is also within us.
We're made of star stuff.
I'm going to work.
Ian, come on, wait.
Mommy! Mommy!
I know.
Mommy!
Mommy!
Worlds of ice
and stars of diamonds.
Atoms and masses...
What the fuck?
I need to see you.
- Not a good time.
- Who keeps hanging
their fucking laundry
on my pull-up bar?!
I-I-I don't know
where else to go.
I thought you were
working today.
Uh, Linda's gonna have my ass.
I'm supposed to be there now.
I'll meet you there in 20.
Oh, bullshit!
You physically abused me.
What?! When?!
The Fourth of July.
Oh, come on, you
hit me in the face
with a tray of apple pan dowdy.
And you hit me back.
Yeah, after you broke my nose
and scratched my cornea.
Oh, yeah? What about this?
Oh, come on, you
started that one.
And I'll finish it
if you lay a finger on her.
Roberta...
Bob. Only Moni
called me Roberta.
All right, well Bob,
we're just in the way here
and we should make our exit
and leave Monica
for her apologies.
Apologies?
For walking out
on this piece of shit?
No, for walking out on them.
Oh, my God.
It's all right.
I'm not one of yours.
Just came to rubberneck.
Alhamdu lillah!
Ian, I did it.
Linda's pregnant.
Ian. Finally knocked her up.
Where are you?
I did it.
It's over.
What the fuck?!
Sign the name! Sign the name!
You're all so big.
I missed you so much.
Well, why didn't you
take us with you?
Because...
I knew you'd be fine
with Fiona.
Fucking right you
keep your mouth shut.
You better keep it shut.
You hear me?
Put the candy back, Mickey.
Mm. That's sweet.
I like 'em sweet.
But then, uh...
so do you, huh?
Huh?
Put it back.
Now.
Fuck!
Kash, what are you doing?
It's a fucking Snickers bar!
Fuck!
Holy shit!
Jesus Chr...!
You okay?
Fuck!
Hey, hey, listen to me.
You fuckin' suck!
Thought you were at work.
There was a shooting.
Mickey and Kash.
Holy shit, Mickey shot Kash?
Kash shot Mickey.
What?
In the leg. He's fine.
I just wanted to get out of
there before the cops got there.
What'd I miss with Mom?
Well, you know how Dad's
a total fucking asshole?
Yeah.
Turns out he's the good one.
Oh, I can't believe you sucked
me back in here for money!
I did no such thing.
But since you're in town, why don't
you sign up for this little thing
and I will cut you in...
Oh, fuck you, Frank!
Wait, you brought
her back here?
Oh, Ian.
Wait, you knew where
she was the whole time?
Okay, look, this little reunion
was bound to happen
sooner or later anyway.
We were thinking about coming around
to talk to you about something else.
No, no... Yes, now. Yes, now.
Moni and I want to take
Liam to live with us.
What?!
Over my dead body.
How about Moni sign whatever
the hell it is you need...
we get Liam.
Done.
No fucking way!
You can't have Liam.
Why the hell not?
He's not even Frank's.
Fact is,
Liam is black.
All you white folks scooping up black
babies like fashion accessories
have a rude awakening coming.
There will be a backlash
if people don't stop
underestimating the
cultural importance
of a black parent
raising a black baby.
Liam needs me
and he's coming with us.
Out of the fucking
question, Roberta.
Roberta and I want to
start a family of our own.
Well, how about you
finish this one first.
They're taking Liam?
No!
Yes!
No, nobody's taking
anyone anywhere.
You don't get
to abandon your kids
and then show up one day
to take your pick of the litter.
Oh, now that's not fair.
Your mother's made mistakes,
but she's here now.
- That's got to count for something.
- Shut up, Frank!
This isn't about you.
This is about you.
This is about what
you didn't do.
It's about what I did.
And you know what?
I did a fucking great job.
Debbie is class president.
She's on the debate team,
going to nationals.
And Lip, he's top of his class.
He set the curve.
Ian was promoted in ROTC
and he tested out of English.
And Carl made something
blow up for his science fair.
And you know what, they did
it all, no thanks to you!
Because you weren't here!
And I appreciate that, Fiona.
But I'm here now.
And Liam
belongs with me.
He doesn't even
know who you are.
I'm his mother!
You were my mother, too!
I don't!
I don't know!
Maybe I'll never be able
to make things right with you...
but there's still
time with Liam.
And Debbie and Carl,
I am so sorry if I hurt you.
See, I love you so much.
Please let me be
your mommy again. Please?
You know what?
You're right.
You are their mother.
And you're here now.
So I'm done.
I'm done with the school
and the bills and the clinics.
I'm done.
They're all yours now, Mom.
Good luck.
d Baby blue... d
d This is not the sky... d
d That you know... d
Come here.
d You want to fly... d
Show me the house?
Yeah.