Shameless (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

In the Season 1 premiere, drunken father Frank is no use to his dysfunctional family; Fiona meets a handsome stranger when her purse is stolen; Lip is shocked to discover his brother Ian is...

Nobody's saying our neighborhood

is the Garden of Eden.

Hell, some people say God
avoids this place altogether,

but it's been a good home to us...

to me and my kids, who I'm proud of,

'cause every single one of them
reminds me a little bit of me.

Fiona, my rock, huge help.

Has all the best qualities of her mother,

except she's not a raging psycho bitch.

Blow.

Lip, smart as a whip.

Straight "A"s and the honor roll.

Boy's definitely going somewhere.

You, come back!

Stop!

Ian, industrious, conscientious,

ambitious, incredible work ethic.

Don't have a clue where he got that from.

Wants to be a paratrooper.

Knows how to disembowel an enemy

with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock.

Carl.

Uh, I don't really know
that much about Carl.

Oh, loves animals.

Always dragging home
some poor stray he found,

taking them up to his room.

Ah, Debbie.

Sent by God, total angel.

Raises money for UNICEF year-round,

some of which she actually turns in.

Liam, going to be a star.

I'm no biologist,

but he looks a little
bit like my first sponsor.

He and the ex were close.

Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors.

There's nothing they
won't do for each other.

Or to each other.

That didn't hurt half as
much as I thought it would.

I never realized how
little sex I was having

till V and Kev moved next door.

And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher,

knows the most important
thing in this life...

we know how to fucking party!

No!

Fuck you, man!

Episode 101: Pilot Presync: IAA
corrected for addic7ed by chamallow

7:15, monkeys.

Come on.

Oh, no. 7:15.

Oh, no.

I fell down.

First shower!

You had it yesterday.

Fuck!

Shit.

- Electric.
- Yeah.

Coming through.

Electric.

- Electric.
- Electric.

No. You've got a Happy Meal
on the front of that shirt.

Oh, um, field trip. Need Dad's signature.

- Okay.
- Arms up.

Wow, Deb, that's getting really good.

- Who's got the phone?
- I got it.

- Any minutes left?
- Uh, 14.

Hey, I need something
for show-and-tell.

How much are we short?

$18.30.

Oh, I'm tutoring after school.

I should be able to kick in like ten more.

Hey, did, uh, Carl put in any?

You're almost nine.

You're going to have to
start pulling your weight.

That's right, and get a real job,

not just dipping into the
collection plate at St. Tim's.

I'm filling in for Candi.

I can cover the rest.

Extra kraut on mine.

Cheese on mine.

Somebody's got to take Liam.

Uh, I got a calculus test.

I'm working after school.

Show-and-tell?

Show them the birthmark on his back.

It looks like Latvia.

That's my fucking bike!

No Candi again?

Bobby's got a bail hearing.

That kid's going to be the death of her.

What is it this time?

Tried tagging a cop car
with the cops still in it.

What?

Who's got the jumbo dog?

How'd you know?

X-ray vision.

Hey.

Would you tap that ass?

Once, if I double-bagged it.

Project girls don't abort.

Uh, hi.

I'm here to help Karen
study for her midterm.

Okay.

You have to take your shoes off.

What?

I'll get you a plastic bag.

Here you go.

She's got this thing

about people bringing dirt in the house.

Molysmophobia.

Right.

Okay, so, um... if you
remember it like this,

the... the formula is completely visible.

Um... okay.

Midget naked witch is bending over,

and she's crying

'cause she lost one ear
and she can't find it.

How do you know all this?

Uh, just something I
like to fool around with.

Like a hobby?

Uh, no. More like a plan.

- Physics?
- Yeah, yeah.

Have you done Newton's first?
I've got a great one for that.

Um, "Everybody continues

in a state of rest or uniform motion

unless acted upon

by an external...

force."

Uh, hang on.

Karen, I'm, uh...

I'm still going to have
to charge you for this.

Charge me?

Yeah, this isn't charity.

I get paid for tutoring.

I know.

Science just turns me on.

Okay.

Jesus.

Lip, you in there?

Lip. Can I borrow your deodorant?

- I'm using Ian's.
- If I stick this in the washer

- before I go out, keep an eye on it?
- Fiona, where are you?

Uh, do it tomorrow.

God, it stinks in here.

Oh, sorry. There's a shirt I need.

Fiona!

We need to go if we're going
to get a ride to the club.

- Hey, five minutes.
- Look at me.

No, this has got to go back tomorrow.

I'll put it back on later.
I have a tag gun at home.

- What?
- From when I worked at T.J. Maxx.

Let's go.

Hot dogs downstairs. Nachos, too.

- Have fun.
- Bye, Lip!

Hey, Veronica.

Hey.

Hey.

My purse! Fuck!

My purse!

That guy just took my purse!

Shit. Hey!

Hey! Assholes!

Ah, sorry.

That was fucking incredible.

Truly, honestly, one of the most
heroic things I've ever seen.

Did you see him?

Stupid, but, man, heroic.

Uh, Steve.

Uh, my name is Steve.

Uh, I was...

going to offer to buy you a drink anyway.

Oh. She'll take a drink.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

- Uh...
- Are you serious?

- Where's his stamp?
- Can you believe this joker?

If you were doing your job,
he wouldn't have had to.

No stamp, no reentry.

Is he for real?

Fat prick.

Fine. You're all barred.

- For what?
- Uh, drugs.

What?

He probably let them get
away 'cause he knows them.

- Shut up, skank.
- Watch your mouth.

Or you're going to do what?

Okay. Okay, forget it.

Please, forget it. Okay.

Come on, let's... let's get a cab.

Thank you.

Come on.

Oh, shit!

Watch it!

Hey, fucker!

Got a hummer today.

What's the law on sex with pets?

From Karen Jackson.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She got a "C" in physics. Needed a "B."

Or you, uh...

you wouldn't have waited
this long to tell me.

Oh, five hours.

Okay, you're full of shit.

Fuck you.

You ever have a knob job?

Once or twice.

I didn't hear you rushing to tell me.

Yeah, well.

I mean, I thought...

we tell each other everything.

Unless...

You got sucked off by a guy.

For instance.

No way. Lake Forest...

Lake Forest is not Chicago.

I'm not kidding, Steve.

You are dead if he ever lays
eyes on you. And I mean dead.

I nearly peed myself when you hit him.

Well, I did a little.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Wait, how many of you guys live here?

Not me, I'm one down.

But the old guy next door
died in March, which I guess

technically makes us next-door neighbors.

- So you're a nurse, Veronica?
- Used to be.

Lying bitch.

She worked housekeeping at Cook County,

bedpans and shit-sheets.

Fine. But I was offered a
place in the nursing school.

Fine. But it never happened.

They fired her for selling
medical supplies on eBay.

Will you shut up? We don't even know him.

- Steve.
- Carl.

Lip.

Debbie.

How you doing, Debbie?

Nice watch.

Oh, thanks. Panerai.

What'd that set you back, about six bills?

Plus, Ian.

Hey.

Hey, Debbie, why do they call him "Lip"?

His real name's Philip.

Yo, Veronica!

You got my keys?

What's going on here?

This is Steve.

Decked the bouncer at
Purgatory to defend my honor.

My honor.

Yeah? Which bouncer?

Jimmy Clifton.

Jimmy Cli...

Well, Jesus, man,

put it there! Respect!

Guy just stands there,
doesn't really do anything.

Yeah, you'll be his third conviction.

- Huh?
- Third or fourth.

- Fourth.
- Yeah.

I mean, after that much
practice, you would think

the man would have
manslaughter down by now.

No more fuck-ups like last time,

like leaving his dad still breathing.

His dad.

Yeah. Five years,

over an '87 Monte Carlo with
200,000 miles on the odometer.

Fucking Monte Carlo!

Okay, come on, time for bed.
Up the wooden hill. Come on.

- It's not even midnight yet!
- Aw, man.

- Come on, come on, go!
- Already?
- Shut up.

Move, move, move, move, come on.

Yeah, let me take one last look at you,

while you're still alive!

Here.

What, that's his?

Yeah. Well, company car.

What kind of company?

Internet startup?

Earning what?

Couple mil a year.

High school dropout.

Got a job as a janitor
in this small tech firm.

Within a year, he owned it.

Made his first billion by 20.

Two Jags, controlling
interest in the Red Wings,

10,000 employees kissing his ass.

"Yes, boss. No, boss."

Why shouldn't he ride around in style?

Oh, you just made that up.

What... ?

Why do you do that?

Your face!

How is that even funny?
It's not even funny...

How the fuck would I
know how much he earns,

you twisted dumb prick?

I'm not a dumb prick.

Kevin, I just met the guy an hour ago.

Take back "dumb prick"!

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Veronica.

What's your pre-tax income?

Well, you sure didn't mind

- watching him take his
shirt off, now, did you?
- Huh?

Not one bit.

In fact, if you hadn't walked in,

Fiona and I were going to
knock him down and tag-team him.

Now I guess I'm stuck with you.

Hold on.

The Fiona tag-team, is that an option?

'Cause you know, you can
throw that in the mix...

Anytime you wanna do it too...

I'll be doing it, all right...

All quiet up the "wooden hill"?

As quiet as it ever gets.

Straight answer: if I hadn't
busted my skull for you tonight,

would you have looked at me twice?

Who's saying that I looked twice?

Oh, you did, then.

I can't.

You know, 90% of the world's
problems are caused by

tiny words that come in pairs.

I mean, we're healthy and we're
happy, but when people ask,

we say...

"Not bad."

You know, the first time
that I saw you dancing,

about a month back at Crobar,

I was desperate to buy you a drink.

You know, normally I'm shy,
so I told myself: I can't.

She won't. We wouldn't.

And then tonight I see you there again.

All the indications
being that I'm getting...

a second chance to make a good impression.

Tell me to stop, and I'll stop.

Take it slower, slower, slower, slower.

Slower.

Slower.

Slower.

Almost... almost...

- Fiona?
- Shit. Shit, shit!

Fiona!

Shit.

Fiona, are you home?

Is Fiona in?

Uh... she's upstairs.

I'll go get her.

- Hey.
- Oh.

Yeah, uh, cops looking for you.

Stay here.

Liam.

Liam?

You... you...

I wouldn't put him anywhere near a carpet

till his pants dry a bit.

Thanks, Tony.

See you, Fiona.

Who the hell is that?

My dad.

You just leave him there all night?

He's never there when I get up.

So, uh, who's the little guy?

Liam?

Liam's my brother.

Rita.

Anne's school called. She's sick.

Everything up to 204 is clean.

I should be back in a couple of hours.

Raul won't care?

He smoked his lunch
again. He won't even know.

I'm making tamales tonight.

I'll drop off a dozen.

Okay.

Adios...

Oh, and take all the
toilet paper you need.

Okay.

You ready, big man?

Let's do it. Come on. Here we go.

Kevin, did you miss me, dear?

A beer and a bump. And, uh...

Billy, you having one?

Have one!

Go away, Frank.

A pen, Mr. Beerkeep, it is disability day.

Disability people haven't
caught up with you yet?

I thought they had some guy

following you around with a camera.

They can follow me
around all they want to,

but they have to actually
catch me doing something.

What's with the crowd?

Layoff at the Chrysler plant.

You see?

That's the problem with working.

Too much instability. Stress!

What the fuck is this?

What's left, after I settled
out last month's bar tab.

Better start a new one, then.

Oh! And a round for all
my friends from the UAW.

Wow. Really?

Fuck no.

Hi.

Wondering what your
schedule's like on Friday.

Uh, I've got a...

I've got a party.

Want a chaperone?

You're not eligible.

Right. Chick thing?

You're not that desperate.

Wanting to see you again is desperate?

No, feeling like you have
to... that's desperate.

Come on, you can get laid anywhere.

Oh, so I'm only here for a fuck?

Never crossed your mind?

Just when you think you've
collared your dream girl,

her incontinent,

alcoholic father appears,
wrecks everything,

and she's blaming you?

Your dream girl?

We had drunken sex on my kitchen floor.

Pretty sad.

Quit pretending you don't even know me.

You weren't that drunk.

Hey, it's Phillip.

Hey, it's, uh, Dead Man Walking.

Jimmy Clifton called
today looking for you.

No school?

Nah, I got some teeth pulled today.

Wisdom teeth?

- Sugar rot.
- Ah.

You know, little known fact:

don't just chew your food on one side,

'cause it can buckle your jaw,

which will buckle your hips
and affect your posture.

Oh, that's a fact?

- Skeletal fact.
- Lip.

Hey, um,

talk out of your ass
with that much conviction,

you end up needing a
much bigger toothbrush.

That's a anal fact.

Listen, thank you for
trying to get my purse back

and, uh, stuff.

- But, uh...
- Stuff?

I'm not looking.

Not right now.

Okay.

Is it all right if I leave my
number for when you might be?

Relax, okay?

No. No, no, you're gonna like it.

What am I, what am I
even gonna say, all right?

You just got to keep
talking about science.

I don't know anything about science.

Okay, so just read from
the table of elements.

Cerium, erbium, praseodymium.

Mrs. Jackson.

Karen is thrilled with you.

She got an "A" on her physics midterm!

Karen!

Honey, your little helper is here.

This is my brother Ian.

Um, I'm out of plastic bags.

Why don't you leave your shoes
out here where they can breathe.

Sure.

Mix these two together...

Erbium, cerium,

praseodymium, magnesium...

You kids want so h homemade
lime chicken chimichangas?

Um, no, no, thanks, Sheila.

- I think we're fine. No?
- All right.

Uh, praseodymium, uh,

magnesium, sulfur...

All right, I'm off to work.

Hey, fellas.

- Where's Karen?
- Uh, her room.

I think Google Earth for a GPS reference

on where Isaac Newton was born.

Guess what I made for your lunch.

Cornish game hen with Asian pear.

No.

Wild salmon with baby carrots.

No.

Kiss and I'll tell.

I'll find out what I got when
I open the damn box, all right?

All right, I'm late, Karen, honey!

I guess I'll see you in the morning.!

What's she hiding for?

What are you hiding...

for?

Ah, sweet Jesus.

It's just a study group.

He caught Lip!

The farther you run,

the more I will kill you!

Really? An old lady on the train?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The, um,
the doors were closing

on her walker, and Lip
barely got his foot in

- in time to stop them from...
- Ow!

Jesus, Fiona!

Can't remember whether that's good or bad.

More likely, you two
jumped the turnstiles again

and he twisted it trying
to outrun the transit cops.

No, no! Always elevate extremities!

Move before you give
him a fucking embolism.

You okay, Lip?

-Yeah, just please don't... don't touch it.
- Sweetheart?

Okay.

Wiggle your toes.

Go to my house, top of the freezer.

- Yeah.
- Two ice packs.

- Second cupboard above the sink.
- Yeah.

Liquid ibuprofen, freeze
spray, ACE bandages.

Sure.

- Shouldn't we get it X-rayed?
- Fuck no.

He'll be in the E.R.
forever, and for what?

"Sub-metatarsal hematoma."

Thanks. Tell us something we
didn't know five hours ago.

Fuck off. My bedroom,

- top of the TV.
- Yeah.

Pack of smoke-sand d a lighter.

Shit! I'm not here! I'm not here!

- What... ?
- You don't know us, Fiona!

Oh, what have you done?

What have you done?!

Can I get it through here,

is it better coming around the back?

Samsung washer.

It's not me.

Gallagher, number 2119?

Yeah, but that's not ours.

Well, it's paid for.

You want me to hook it up or not?

Where you going with those?

Uh, Veronica wants them.

Well, give me one.

Got it? Okay.

Ice and Advil.

And keep your weight off of it.

I thought you were broke.

That's what I said.

These were in the washer.

Steve?

- Yeah.
- No.

Who's Steve?

The other night.

No.

I know.

15 years!

15 years!

I've done everything in my control...

What did I say?!

What did I tell you?!

Sow and thou shall reap.

Well, she didn't reap this from me,

I'll tell you that.

Reap what?

Wh... what are you reaping now?

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Whatever it is, I'll try.

I'll... I'll... I'll really try.

Mom, don't beg him.

If he can do this, then
the bastard's not worth it!

Hey, you honor thy father!

Get fucked!

Don't try blaming me for this!

You're your own worst enemy, you two.

They say bad things happen
in three, they don't.

Twos! You two!

Insane.

Hello!

How much you pay for it?

I'm not telling you that.

It's a gift.

So you'd remember the phone number,

which obviously worked.

Your washer's in the yard, okay?

We don't need it, I don't want it.

So you got to come pick it
up before it starts rusting.

Oh, is it?

No.

Did the guy connect it?

Yes.

It's working okay?

It's not my favorite color.

Oh, so you've tried it.

Let me smell your breath.

- Pork rinds?
- No.

Um, those are mine.

See? Hey, since when do pork rinds

actually come from a pig?

Ian, I am the one that signs your check.

What's bad for him is really bad for you.

If you are stupid enough
to start lying for him...

They're just corn chips with fake hair,

Last warning.

You get yourself to that mosque

so your dad stops blaming me for the fact

that we're all going to hell.

And talk to your mother.

She won't talk to me.

I can't force her to take her meds.

Well, I don't want the cops dragging me

out of bed again at 4:00 a.m.
because she's out in the alley

yelling that the CIA
is stealing her trash.

But that happened, didn't it?

Once.

Four years ago, yes.

But now she's locked in the basement,

making a helmet out of tinfoil.

Enough's enough!

Boys, come on, let's go.

Get in the car.

Now, I have to take the boys to Cub Scouts

at the mosque before all
the carpets are taken.

She's your mother; get
her to take her Thorazine.

No, boys, no candy. Come on, let's go.

We're gonna be late.
Let's go, go, go, go, go.

No more!

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Hurry up.

Just tell me you didn't go

and get some girl pregnant.

No worries.

He hates me.

You just, you look more like mom

than any of the rest of us.

You probably scare him.

Yeah?

Yeah.

He ain't seen nothing yet.

Did he give you money for the field trip?

I'll pay my own way, all right?

No, you won't.

You must get sick of having
to think for everybody.

Well, at least I can.

Proves I'm wanted.

Jesus, Fiona, if all you want

is to be needed then,

congratulations.

You've got yourself a job
for life with this joker.

Hey. Get up.

Dad, get up.

Get up!

Good job, Fiona.

I don't know how I could
do this without you.

Thanks for all your hard work.

You're welcome, Dad.

My pleasure.

Good night, Daddy.

Hello.

If that wasn't bullshit,
what was I wearing?

First time you saw me,
if that wasn't a lie.

Black top with gold trim,

black shiny jeans, thin shoes... straps...

sandals. With your hair pinned high.

Dangly gold earrings that made me smile.

A big watch... too big,
so it slid up your arm.

But it looked great.

And you were dancing
next to red-haired girl

in a green dress.

Yeah, yeah, Jenna. It
was Jenna's birthday.

So you were... you were watching her,

who's a lot better looking than me.

You think so? Really?

Yeah, so how come you're
not stalking Jenna?

Because you... you think
like that and Jenna doesn't.

Jenna dances for an audience.

You dance like there's
no one else in the room.

Your life's not simple, Fiona,

and you can't stop it from
showing because you're no fake.

You're not lost, you don't need finding.

This whole city belongs to the Jennas,

but I'm sick of them.

I swear, Fiona, you're nothing
like anyone I've ever met.

You make me want to enjoy my life again.

Are you there?

Fiona?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

What have I ever done to
anybody, never mind you,

that made me look unreliable?

Un... unreliable.

People like you are just way
too used to getting your own way.

And by people like me
you mean people like what?

Okay, wait, all right.

Yes-no. All you got to
do is agree or disagree.

He thinks the sun shines
out of his own ass.

- Agree or disagree.
- Agree.

He's overly generous and that bugs me.

Agree.

- Because I'm not used to get...
- Actually very agree.

Because I'm not used to getting spoiled.

Okay.

So I lose respect for guys like Steve

because people unlike Steve

or people diametrically opposite to Steve

have always let me down.

So deciding that he's overeducated

and has more money than sense

is somehow more socially acceptable

than asking myself, for instance,

why do the men I always
date treat me like shit?

Fuck you.

It's a question.

Fuck you.

Either-or.

Agree.

He's had a easy life.

- Definitely.
- And you prefer a guy who's been

- around the block a few times.
- What if I do?

Say, D block of a maximum security prison?

If he knew how to have fun, yeah, sure.

Fiona, I can't help my upbringing.

So how come it's me again
having to apologize for mine?

Who's asking you to?

We finished here, guys?

We're working on it.

You want to wait outside
while I pay the bill?

Sure.

He's on break?

- Any second now.
- All right.

- Good evening, sir.
- Thanks.

I don't buy and sell cars.

I just sell them.

But the cars I sell are
mainly, uh, not mine.

Still looking for fun, Fiona?

Go.

Mom, we have to wear our shoes.

There's bits of glass on the floor.

Maybe Lip could use a drink.

Oh, yes. Sorry, Lip.

That's okay.

I'm a... I'm a bit off
today, aren't I, Karen?

So, um, vodka?

I could do slow comfortable screws.

Plenty of tequila.

I think I'm out of lime.

Um, definitely gin fizz.

Just a couple of Cokes, Mom.

- And some beers.
- Beers.

Great, Sheila. Thanks.

So what if your dad comes
back and sees me here?

He won't.

That's my fault?

He's been looking for
an excuse for months.

What kind of impression
did you get from my brother?

- Ian?
- Yeah.

- He seems nice.
- Right, but, uh...

did he pitch a tent?

Huh?

Did you make him hard?

Ever try to play pool with a rope?

Yo, Kash?

Yo, Kash!

All right, you stack the butter,

I'll do the snacks.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Lip.

Sorry, sorry, Kash.

Just, uh... thanks for the tools.

Any time.

Long as I get 'em back.

Right.

You must be joking.

What, y... you're fucking him?

Fuck.

He bought them for you, didn't he?

Those shoes.

He's married!

With kids!

What else does he buy you, Ian?!

Stuff.

Now and again.

And you're happy with that?

What's that make you, huh?

A fucking kept boy at best.

Listen to me, stupid!

You think you know
everything, but you know shit!

Ask me what I've got him, huh?

Ask me!

CDs, dozens of CDs!

Stuff that he's never heard
of, stuff I think he might like,

'cause I want him to like
the same things that I do.

And a couple Sox tickets for his birthday.

So what's that make you, Lip, huh?

It makes you wrong, you
fucking smart asshole!

Now go back to Kash and promise him

that you're not gonna tell anybody

'cause he's done nothing
to be sorry for, nothing.

"Fake Muslim cheats on
white fundamentalist wife

with gutless gay boy."

Says more about White Sox fans

than it does for the rest of us.

I think they're all asleep.

Gotcha!

Who's been eating my porridge?

Hey, Dad.

This is Steve.

Oh, no, no, no, we met before,

but you weren't exactly...

How much do you weigh?

Uh, I don't know.

That would fit me.

You can just ignore him.

And you? Move.

You know what? I better
let you get to bed.

Um, but thanks.

It was nice.

- Yeah.
- Nice, right?

Oh... no. Nah.

Who paid for this?

What the hell's he on?

Uh, he thinks he bought Ecstasy,

but the only dealer he gets
credit from is a schizophrenic.

It's not a case of whether or not

I agree. It's a fact.

If I were a single parent, we'd be on...

Aren't you a single parent?

"Yeah, but if I had tits... "

Yeah, but if I had tits, Steve,

they would double the money.

If you're a guy, they don't
want to fucking hear it.

I... I get it, Frank, so it's,

"Prove you're looking for work."

Oh, he's on disability.

Yeah? For what?

A tragedy really. I gave
my life to that company.

You worked there a week.

What happened?

Uh, slaughterhouse, poultry.

Dangerous work.

Doing my job, unsuspecting,

when out of nowhere I
am slammed in the ribs

by a headless flying chicken.

I was lucky... it almost missed me.

And what do I get for
my pain and suffering?

Followed around by a video camera!

Where's the trust, Steve?

The sacred bond between
employer and employee?

Gone, Steve. It's gone.

How's a guy supposed to work,
hurt, with kids this age?

- Hello? Thank you!
- Yeah.

Exactly. Excellent! Excellent.

And her mother, God rest
her soul, Dad, stop it!

- 'cause she better be dead, that bitch.
- Cut it out!

Four... four-month-old baby.

14-year-old girl just
had her appendix out,

11-year-old Lip, ten-year-old Ian,

a seven-year-old, a five-year-old.

and, oh, and a Dodge Astro van!

No. Calypso... yes. Calypso blue.

What's the one thing that we needed?

One word?

- One thing?
- Sterilization?

Continuity.

Continuity.

Con-tin-uity.

I... I... what could I... ?

Oh, my God, I love this part.

You said no strings could...

I... I... what could I do, Steve?

- I... I...
- Disappear for three weeks?

- I had a breakdown.
- You went on a bender!

I... I had... fuck
off... nervous breakdown.

Dad, come on. Keys!

If this... okay.

This is... sorry.

I like him.

- You got any idea...
- Sorry.

- What time it is?
- It's Frank. He's...

Yo.

Frank, what did I tell you?!

Here we go. Neighbors of Satan.

The day you start paying
rent around here, Frank,

like the rest of us, you can
play whatever shit you want.

But if you're gonna pump
up this time of night,

you're gonna pump out the
stuff that we like, okay?

- Baby.
- What? What? What?

Yep! Yep!

That's it.

Watch it.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Your dad made me follow you up.

Gave me a condom.

He must really like you.

He usually just gives my
boyfriends a dental dam.

Liam's in here somewhere.

Don't the kids wake up?

Would you?

Hey, Carl, you seen Ian?

Uh, gone when I woke up.

How can that be good for you?

Or... or... or... or that?

How can that be good for you?

- Yeah. You know what's not funny, huh?
- Huh?

You.

Ever.

Anybody before Kash?

One.

Yeah? Who?

I'm not telling you, all right?

Name a single time I've let you down.

It was a kid at school.

Yeah?

All right, I guess it
doesn't really matter

'cause, I mean, he's
long gone now anyways,

but, uh... Roger Spikey.

Roger Spikey?

Fucking donkey dick Roger Spikey?

The original beefmeister?

Or did he start that rumor?

Not a rumor.

Whoa, that was a bit gay.

What you just did there
with your eyebrows.

You want to watch that.

All right, fuck off, all right?

But seriously, like...

like up the ass?

Do you get used to that?

Can someone get used to that?

I mean... I mean, the whole point

of the digestive system
is one-way traffic.

It just is.

What? What?!

"Just is."

Like, like, we're only given our lungs

to freakin' smoke, right?

It's hot!

Don't drop it off. Please don't drop it.

Please don't drop it!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God.

The sausage is ready.

I haven't had eggs in a while.

Somebody already get the pancakes?

What's all this?

Debbie's the only person I
know wakes up earlier than I do,

and I told her I never eat breakfast,

but she said it's her favorite meal.

And I thought since it's her birthday...

- Whoa!
- No, it's not!

It's not her birthday.

I never said it was. I
said, "I wished it was."

Ah, right, she said she wished it was.

Sorry, Deb, I totally misheard that.

Perforated eardrum on the right.

15 minutes before school, tops.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ian, Lip, dishes soon as you're done.

- Debbie, Carl...
- Yeah.

You've got to take the trash out.