Sextortion (2020): Season 1, Episode 1 - God's Tears - full transcript
MAN: I never wanted to be
an important person.
I just wanted my dad to...
well, like me.
MAN: The resistance of sin.
Deviants, homosexuality,
gender differentiation, we're done.
My father, the Reverend Bellows,
had founded our Conservative Unity
Party years ago,
and passed it on to me.
He's been called a moral crusader by
some, a hateful extremist by others -
well, most people, actually.
But however you looked at it,
Dad's were big boots to fill.
Hari's my brother.
Well, he's adopted, technically.
And he's my best mate
in the whole wide world.
That's Belinda, my wife.
She's always been there for me,
and...
..I'd always been good at,
well, ignoring her, I guess.
This was supposed to be my big day.
The launch of our Family Values
campaign for 2020.
But instead, everything just to
turned to custard.
(PHONE DINGS)
(PHONE DINGS)
(GASPS) Yes, Mummy.
I'm so diseased, Mummy.
Yep, that's me, Darren Bellows.
And no, that's not my wife.
Oh, flip!
To be honest, I've always had
this secret obsession.
If Belinda or anyone else found out
who I really was,
my life would be over.
I swear
that I never intended to sin,
but when I saw that ad on the
supermarket notice board,
I couldn't help myself.
Oh.
It's a lovely... Oh. Sorry.
Beautiful, uh...beautiful house
you've got here.
Thank you.
Yes. Um, well, thanks for, um...
..meeting me.
God, that's a lovely...
a lovely drop of tea.
What can I do for you, Darren?
Um...
Just... Is he...
Is...is he, uh...
Did you want to stop for the day?
Then do my fucking dishes!
Sorry about that. (GIGGLES)
Maybe it would help
if I laid out my ground rules.
Yeah.
OK. So, no touching.
I'm not a prostitute. I'm just here
to fulfil your every fantasy.
OK. OK.
OK.
Um...
So what is it?
I can do anything. It's alright.
Um...
(MUTTERS NERVOUSLY) Uh...
Is it about the status
relationship between us?
One of us in charge?
OK. Good. Closer.
Is it...is it about pain?
Inflicting pain?
No.
Oh. OK.
It's...
Choking. That's what it is.
Uh... No.
Oh.
Butt stuff?
It's...
Do you want me to tie you up?
No, no. It's quite specific. Um...
I can do all sorts of role play
stuff. Headmaster, prison warden...
I just draw the line - no Nazis.
Not after last time.
Uh...you're probably going to need
a VCR, to, um, fully get it. Um...
Just if...uh...
# Gloria! #
It was like a massive load
had been lifted.
# Gloria! #
My secret visits with Shona
really did do the trick.
I threw myself into leading
the party with a hiss and a roar.
Sure, we were small
and some might say fringe,
but with MMP on our side
and a little bit of luck,
I felt like we actually had
a shot in the upcoming election.
Meanwhile, business was booming with
Dad's new televangelism thing.
He was all about the followers
and the views.
As we always say, the greater the
donation, the greater the salvation,
and right now, we need salvation.
So it was my turn to impress Dad
at the next CUP party caucus.
Lord Jesus, hear our prayer.
Thank you for bringing us together,
in your holy spirit. Amen.
OTHERS: Amen.
Thank you, Dad.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the CUP meeting.
This is so fantastic.
I'm really amped, guys.
I've brought our mate in,
Cambridge, who's the pollster,
so do you want to just...just tell us
about what...how we're polling?
Yes.
I've crunched the numbers on your...
on your polls, and I have to say,
I've never seen numbers like this.
They're quite, uh...
quite mind-blowing.
Awesome. Cool.
Yeah. Uh, so you're looking at
about 0.1%.
Uh, bear in mind there is
a 1% margin of error there.
So, it could go up to 1%.
So it's good, then?
That's good.
No, it's not good, you idiot.
It's terrible.
I'd say it's worse than terrible,
it's actually pathetic.
Yeah, I've never seen anything
that bad before.
It's quite amazing.
So, where to from here,
great leader?
Hey, um, OK, that's OK. Like, polls
aren't an exact science anyway.
We can...we can come back from this.
I'll stop you there.
It's actually pretty tight.
Yeah, OK, thanks, Cambridge.
And you're welcome.
Yeah.
Anyway, we can come back from this.
All we need is one good idea.
Yeah. All we need is an idea.
We should have a brainstorm.
Brainstorm!
Yeah, let's brainstorm, guys.
Let's do this.
I can video it
and put it on the internet.
Ideas, ideas, ideas.
Ideas, ideas, ideas.
Yeah.
Ideas. OK.
Gordon, what's happening
in Rodney at the moment?
Nothing.
Yep, OK.
Any other ideas? Just...
No ideas are bad.
No idea's a bad idea.
Words.
Words.
Words that encapsulate
what we believe,
what the Lord wants us to believe.
Jesus.
Jesus.
OK.
We need a slogan.
Slogan. Great one, Dad.
That's what we need.
Slogan.
Great. Good one, Dad.
Repress... Re...
Re-peace!
Repression, repulsion.
..pulsion...
Desires. Desires.
Repress. Resist.
That's a good word - repre...
uh, resist.
Um...
Come on. We need another R.
Resist.
Um...
Repress.
Um...
Rejoice?
Redo.
Resist.
Resist. Repress. Remember.
Rejoice?
Rejoice!
Dad!
(LAUGHS)
Yes.
Holy shit, that's it.
Hallelujah.
Thank you, God, thank you.
Repress, resist, rejoice.
It's got a ring to it.
That's definitely it.
That's definitely it.
You nailed it, Darren.
Awesome brainstorm, guys.
Let's celebrate, eh? Whoo-hoo!
What do you think of that, Cambridge?
Well, uh, you...you certainly can't
go any lower, can you?
Well, actually...I can.
# And you will see,
and you will see...
If you like cheese and asparagus
rolls, a well-kept lawn
and Neighbourhood Watch,
then you'll love Glenderson.
Sure it's changed it has changed
a bit over the years,
but it's my 'hood and the birthplace
of the CUP party.
All I had to do was convince
the good folk of Glenderson
to vote Darren Bellows - that's me -
in the upcoming election.
Repress, resist, rejoice!
15 years ago I promised Belinda
that we'd move out of Dad's house
and have a baby.
And even though
it still hadn't happened,
Belinda never stopped trying.
(MUMBLES) I relate...
We relate... Um...
(CHUCKLES)
I think I can already see
the muscle definition.
Really? I've only been doing it
for two days.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Look at that.
(LAUGHS)
Good luck kiss?
Mmm?
Yep.
Urrggh. Belinda.
Why are you here?
Why... My shirts need ironing
and my suit need pressing.
Leave him alone.
It's more... Get out!
What are you doing?
This is a VibraTrain, Dad.
It will get me nice and fit.
What is that?
Oh, this thing here,
it's a remote control.
So, you just push that and, look,
it starts. It's great technology.
You don't even need to...
What have I told you
about those things?
That's what gets in the way of God.
That's what gets in the way
of God's work.
Exactly.
3G, 4G, 5G.
6G.
Yes.
What is the G in your life, hey?
What is the G?
Gesus, Dad.
(SIGHS) Idiot.
God.
God!
God. Yeah. Yeah.
You think THAT... (LAUGHS)
You think that
is going to fix all of this?
No, no, I don't think so.
You look like a little wobbly pig.
I don't want to see this
in the house again.
OK. I'll just put my suit on, Dad,
and I'll come...
Belinda!
For a grassroots campaign
to succeed,
every detail needs to be just right.
# Stand up for Jesus
Luckily my wingman, Hari,
had the policy launch under control.
The sausage rolls were cooked,
the media were coming.
It was a bit of a big deal, really.
(TURNS OFF VACUUM)
Kia ora. I'm Carol Kopa.
I'm here to report, on behalf of the
Glenderson Dispatch, the CUP Party.
Carol Kopa, Glenderson's finest.
Thanks heaps for coming. It's really
exciting to have you here.
You're welcome.
Where is everyone?
Unfortunately, Patrick is up north.
He's at a tangi, so we won't see him
for a few days.
Then George,
don't forget about George.
He's actually done his back in
and he can't lift anything.
Anyway, um, let's not
focus on who's not here, eh.
What about Brian?
Oh, yep.
Yeah. Brian, he is having
a vasectomy done,
and his wife said
if he doesn't get it done, that's it.
That's probably Brian's business,
eh.
And our mascot, the CUP Party poodle,
is in at the vet's,
having its anal gland cleaned out.
OK, OK, thanks, Gordon.
Do you want to finish the luxing
and we'll, um...
Yeah, anyway, lots of people wanted
to be here that couldn't be here.
But there's gonna be a lot of people
who do come, so we're excited.
Great.
DARREN: To be honest,
I'm not sure if Carol
was ever much of a CUP Party fan.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Public speaking is bad enough,
but it's worse for people like me
who suffer from paruresis,
or shy bladder syndrome.
I guess I'm just not that great
at...performing under pressure.
You alright, Dazzamatazz?
I guess I'm just a bit more nervous
than I realised.
It's alright. I'll just...
Yeah, just relax.
Oh, God, so, Resist... Oh, God,
is it Repress then Resist,
or is it Res...
Ohh!
Boys.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Checking out my two favourite nobs.
Shane Bubbler.
Not only did he beat my dad
all those years ago
for the Glenderson Electorate,
but he's also just really mean.
Definitely the smallest party.
(LAUGHS)
It gets bigger.
I'm just gonna...
Just joking, mate.
Do you practice being an arsehole?
No, just comes naturally.
Alright. Good talk.
Try not to piss all over yourself.
Ohh!
Dick.
Welcome,
and God bless you for coming,
to the policy launch of
the Conservative Unity Party today.
Now, what are the values
of the CUP Party?
Well, they're Christian.
Christian family values,
the non-acceptance of deviance
in all its forms.
Homosexuality,
gender differentiation, we're done.
The rejoicing
and holding firm the core beliefs.
Corinthians 15:33 -
"Do not be deceived..."
So, here we are.
"Bad company ruins good..."
It was time to show my dad
and the world
just what Darren Bellows was made of.
And then this happened.
(PHONE DINGS)
(PHONE DINGS)
Please, Mummy.
I'm so diseased, Mummy.
I'm sick. I'm a sick little boy,
aren't I, Mummy?
Oh, flip.
Mummy's boy.
Who's a little mummy's boy?
I'm a mummy's boy.
You are.
Darren.
(WHISPERS) It's you. Hurry.
Your dad...your father's finished.
OK. (EXHALES HEAVILY)
Um... (SNIFFLES) Oh, shit. OK.
Uh... OK.
..toward the goal of
a parliamentarian
in our next government.
And with that,
I introduce my son, Darren Bellows.
(APPLAUSE)
Look, you can not imagine
how much pressure I was under.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
There was my dad, my wife,
that bully Shane Bubbler,
some journalist
recording everything.
I'd just been blackmailed
with a flipping sex video
and to top it all off,
I really needed to pee.
There was only one way
this was going to go down.
Hello, everyone, and, um, thank you
so much for coming today for our...
..uh, policy launch, and, um, I...
Oh, mercy.
(PRAYS UNDER BREATH)
Uh...
Our policies can be, uh,
refined into three simple words
that roll off the tongue.
Repress, resist, rejoice.
Repress, resist, rejoice.
And that...
(VOICE ECHOES) You are.
..is a summation of everything...
(CLEARS THROAT)
..that we stand for as a party.
Thank you, thank you.
So, just quickly, Darren, could you
clarify one of your policies for me
please, Darren? Carol Kopa.
So, for us, we are repressing
anything of...
(WHISPERS) ..a sexual nature.
I'm sorry?
Sorry. Just at the back here.
I couldn't hear that last word
you said.
Six or something?
No, s... (SIGHS) Sexuality.
It's what?
Sexuality.
Duality?
No. Depraved sexuality
is what we are fighting against!
Depriving all sexuality?
Yes, all.
Even, like...personal gratification?
Well, we are a party that believes
if you spill God's seed,
you're spilling God's tears.
Ixnay on self-pleasure.
Um, sorry, I keep...
Yeah, what?
So, does that make you
the...anti-wank party?
No.
No, that's not what we... That's
ONE aspect of what we stand for.
Yeah, but, so...basically
you're just saying
you're the anti-wank party.
No, we... Well, we... Yeah, no, well,
yes, we're the anti-wank par...
No, we're the anti-masturbation
party.
Sorry, anti...
No, we're not using that word.
You're putting words in my mouth.
We're the anti-masturbation party,
yes.
(SIGHS)
(NARRATES) That was painful.
But don't worry -
it gets worse.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Darren Bellows
and I am the leader
of the CUP Party.
Um, here's my car.
I'd be useless without it.
Isn't this great?
And it's a...it's a magnet,
so you can...
Sorry, it's... Here we go.
Here we go. See?
You can just pull that off.
I thought that was pretty snazzy.
Captions by Red Bee Media
(c) SBS Australia 2021
an important person.
I just wanted my dad to...
well, like me.
MAN: The resistance of sin.
Deviants, homosexuality,
gender differentiation, we're done.
My father, the Reverend Bellows,
had founded our Conservative Unity
Party years ago,
and passed it on to me.
He's been called a moral crusader by
some, a hateful extremist by others -
well, most people, actually.
But however you looked at it,
Dad's were big boots to fill.
Hari's my brother.
Well, he's adopted, technically.
And he's my best mate
in the whole wide world.
That's Belinda, my wife.
She's always been there for me,
and...
..I'd always been good at,
well, ignoring her, I guess.
This was supposed to be my big day.
The launch of our Family Values
campaign for 2020.
But instead, everything just to
turned to custard.
(PHONE DINGS)
(PHONE DINGS)
(GASPS) Yes, Mummy.
I'm so diseased, Mummy.
Yep, that's me, Darren Bellows.
And no, that's not my wife.
Oh, flip!
To be honest, I've always had
this secret obsession.
If Belinda or anyone else found out
who I really was,
my life would be over.
I swear
that I never intended to sin,
but when I saw that ad on the
supermarket notice board,
I couldn't help myself.
Oh.
It's a lovely... Oh. Sorry.
Beautiful, uh...beautiful house
you've got here.
Thank you.
Yes. Um, well, thanks for, um...
..meeting me.
God, that's a lovely...
a lovely drop of tea.
What can I do for you, Darren?
Um...
Just... Is he...
Is...is he, uh...
Did you want to stop for the day?
Then do my fucking dishes!
Sorry about that. (GIGGLES)
Maybe it would help
if I laid out my ground rules.
Yeah.
OK. So, no touching.
I'm not a prostitute. I'm just here
to fulfil your every fantasy.
OK. OK.
OK.
Um...
So what is it?
I can do anything. It's alright.
Um...
(MUTTERS NERVOUSLY) Uh...
Is it about the status
relationship between us?
One of us in charge?
OK. Good. Closer.
Is it...is it about pain?
Inflicting pain?
No.
Oh. OK.
It's...
Choking. That's what it is.
Uh... No.
Oh.
Butt stuff?
It's...
Do you want me to tie you up?
No, no. It's quite specific. Um...
I can do all sorts of role play
stuff. Headmaster, prison warden...
I just draw the line - no Nazis.
Not after last time.
Uh...you're probably going to need
a VCR, to, um, fully get it. Um...
Just if...uh...
# Gloria! #
It was like a massive load
had been lifted.
# Gloria! #
My secret visits with Shona
really did do the trick.
I threw myself into leading
the party with a hiss and a roar.
Sure, we were small
and some might say fringe,
but with MMP on our side
and a little bit of luck,
I felt like we actually had
a shot in the upcoming election.
Meanwhile, business was booming with
Dad's new televangelism thing.
He was all about the followers
and the views.
As we always say, the greater the
donation, the greater the salvation,
and right now, we need salvation.
So it was my turn to impress Dad
at the next CUP party caucus.
Lord Jesus, hear our prayer.
Thank you for bringing us together,
in your holy spirit. Amen.
OTHERS: Amen.
Thank you, Dad.
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to the CUP meeting.
This is so fantastic.
I'm really amped, guys.
I've brought our mate in,
Cambridge, who's the pollster,
so do you want to just...just tell us
about what...how we're polling?
Yes.
I've crunched the numbers on your...
on your polls, and I have to say,
I've never seen numbers like this.
They're quite, uh...
quite mind-blowing.
Awesome. Cool.
Yeah. Uh, so you're looking at
about 0.1%.
Uh, bear in mind there is
a 1% margin of error there.
So, it could go up to 1%.
So it's good, then?
That's good.
No, it's not good, you idiot.
It's terrible.
I'd say it's worse than terrible,
it's actually pathetic.
Yeah, I've never seen anything
that bad before.
It's quite amazing.
So, where to from here,
great leader?
Hey, um, OK, that's OK. Like, polls
aren't an exact science anyway.
We can...we can come back from this.
I'll stop you there.
It's actually pretty tight.
Yeah, OK, thanks, Cambridge.
And you're welcome.
Yeah.
Anyway, we can come back from this.
All we need is one good idea.
Yeah. All we need is an idea.
We should have a brainstorm.
Brainstorm!
Yeah, let's brainstorm, guys.
Let's do this.
I can video it
and put it on the internet.
Ideas, ideas, ideas.
Ideas, ideas, ideas.
Yeah.
Ideas. OK.
Gordon, what's happening
in Rodney at the moment?
Nothing.
Yep, OK.
Any other ideas? Just...
No ideas are bad.
No idea's a bad idea.
Words.
Words.
Words that encapsulate
what we believe,
what the Lord wants us to believe.
Jesus.
Jesus.
OK.
We need a slogan.
Slogan. Great one, Dad.
That's what we need.
Slogan.
Great. Good one, Dad.
Repress... Re...
Re-peace!
Repression, repulsion.
..pulsion...
Desires. Desires.
Repress. Resist.
That's a good word - repre...
uh, resist.
Um...
Come on. We need another R.
Resist.
Um...
Repress.
Um...
Rejoice?
Redo.
Resist.
Resist. Repress. Remember.
Rejoice?
Rejoice!
Dad!
(LAUGHS)
Yes.
Holy shit, that's it.
Hallelujah.
Thank you, God, thank you.
Repress, resist, rejoice.
It's got a ring to it.
That's definitely it.
That's definitely it.
You nailed it, Darren.
Awesome brainstorm, guys.
Let's celebrate, eh? Whoo-hoo!
What do you think of that, Cambridge?
Well, uh, you...you certainly can't
go any lower, can you?
Well, actually...I can.
# And you will see,
and you will see...
If you like cheese and asparagus
rolls, a well-kept lawn
and Neighbourhood Watch,
then you'll love Glenderson.
Sure it's changed it has changed
a bit over the years,
but it's my 'hood and the birthplace
of the CUP party.
All I had to do was convince
the good folk of Glenderson
to vote Darren Bellows - that's me -
in the upcoming election.
Repress, resist, rejoice!
15 years ago I promised Belinda
that we'd move out of Dad's house
and have a baby.
And even though
it still hadn't happened,
Belinda never stopped trying.
(MUMBLES) I relate...
We relate... Um...
(CHUCKLES)
I think I can already see
the muscle definition.
Really? I've only been doing it
for two days.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Look at that.
(LAUGHS)
Good luck kiss?
Mmm?
Yep.
Urrggh. Belinda.
Why are you here?
Why... My shirts need ironing
and my suit need pressing.
Leave him alone.
It's more... Get out!
What are you doing?
This is a VibraTrain, Dad.
It will get me nice and fit.
What is that?
Oh, this thing here,
it's a remote control.
So, you just push that and, look,
it starts. It's great technology.
You don't even need to...
What have I told you
about those things?
That's what gets in the way of God.
That's what gets in the way
of God's work.
Exactly.
3G, 4G, 5G.
6G.
Yes.
What is the G in your life, hey?
What is the G?
Gesus, Dad.
(SIGHS) Idiot.
God.
God!
God. Yeah. Yeah.
You think THAT... (LAUGHS)
You think that
is going to fix all of this?
No, no, I don't think so.
You look like a little wobbly pig.
I don't want to see this
in the house again.
OK. I'll just put my suit on, Dad,
and I'll come...
Belinda!
For a grassroots campaign
to succeed,
every detail needs to be just right.
# Stand up for Jesus
Luckily my wingman, Hari,
had the policy launch under control.
The sausage rolls were cooked,
the media were coming.
It was a bit of a big deal, really.
(TURNS OFF VACUUM)
Kia ora. I'm Carol Kopa.
I'm here to report, on behalf of the
Glenderson Dispatch, the CUP Party.
Carol Kopa, Glenderson's finest.
Thanks heaps for coming. It's really
exciting to have you here.
You're welcome.
Where is everyone?
Unfortunately, Patrick is up north.
He's at a tangi, so we won't see him
for a few days.
Then George,
don't forget about George.
He's actually done his back in
and he can't lift anything.
Anyway, um, let's not
focus on who's not here, eh.
What about Brian?
Oh, yep.
Yeah. Brian, he is having
a vasectomy done,
and his wife said
if he doesn't get it done, that's it.
That's probably Brian's business,
eh.
And our mascot, the CUP Party poodle,
is in at the vet's,
having its anal gland cleaned out.
OK, OK, thanks, Gordon.
Do you want to finish the luxing
and we'll, um...
Yeah, anyway, lots of people wanted
to be here that couldn't be here.
But there's gonna be a lot of people
who do come, so we're excited.
Great.
DARREN: To be honest,
I'm not sure if Carol
was ever much of a CUP Party fan.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Public speaking is bad enough,
but it's worse for people like me
who suffer from paruresis,
or shy bladder syndrome.
I guess I'm just not that great
at...performing under pressure.
You alright, Dazzamatazz?
I guess I'm just a bit more nervous
than I realised.
It's alright. I'll just...
Yeah, just relax.
Oh, God, so, Resist... Oh, God,
is it Repress then Resist,
or is it Res...
Ohh!
Boys.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
Checking out my two favourite nobs.
Shane Bubbler.
Not only did he beat my dad
all those years ago
for the Glenderson Electorate,
but he's also just really mean.
Definitely the smallest party.
(LAUGHS)
It gets bigger.
I'm just gonna...
Just joking, mate.
Do you practice being an arsehole?
No, just comes naturally.
Alright. Good talk.
Try not to piss all over yourself.
Ohh!
Dick.
Welcome,
and God bless you for coming,
to the policy launch of
the Conservative Unity Party today.
Now, what are the values
of the CUP Party?
Well, they're Christian.
Christian family values,
the non-acceptance of deviance
in all its forms.
Homosexuality,
gender differentiation, we're done.
The rejoicing
and holding firm the core beliefs.
Corinthians 15:33 -
"Do not be deceived..."
So, here we are.
"Bad company ruins good..."
It was time to show my dad
and the world
just what Darren Bellows was made of.
And then this happened.
(PHONE DINGS)
(PHONE DINGS)
Please, Mummy.
I'm so diseased, Mummy.
I'm sick. I'm a sick little boy,
aren't I, Mummy?
Oh, flip.
Mummy's boy.
Who's a little mummy's boy?
I'm a mummy's boy.
You are.
Darren.
(WHISPERS) It's you. Hurry.
Your dad...your father's finished.
OK. (EXHALES HEAVILY)
Um... (SNIFFLES) Oh, shit. OK.
Uh... OK.
..toward the goal of
a parliamentarian
in our next government.
And with that,
I introduce my son, Darren Bellows.
(APPLAUSE)
Look, you can not imagine
how much pressure I was under.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
There was my dad, my wife,
that bully Shane Bubbler,
some journalist
recording everything.
I'd just been blackmailed
with a flipping sex video
and to top it all off,
I really needed to pee.
There was only one way
this was going to go down.
Hello, everyone, and, um, thank you
so much for coming today for our...
..uh, policy launch, and, um, I...
Oh, mercy.
(PRAYS UNDER BREATH)
Uh...
Our policies can be, uh,
refined into three simple words
that roll off the tongue.
Repress, resist, rejoice.
Repress, resist, rejoice.
And that...
(VOICE ECHOES) You are.
..is a summation of everything...
(CLEARS THROAT)
..that we stand for as a party.
Thank you, thank you.
So, just quickly, Darren, could you
clarify one of your policies for me
please, Darren? Carol Kopa.
So, for us, we are repressing
anything of...
(WHISPERS) ..a sexual nature.
I'm sorry?
Sorry. Just at the back here.
I couldn't hear that last word
you said.
Six or something?
No, s... (SIGHS) Sexuality.
It's what?
Sexuality.
Duality?
No. Depraved sexuality
is what we are fighting against!
Depriving all sexuality?
Yes, all.
Even, like...personal gratification?
Well, we are a party that believes
if you spill God's seed,
you're spilling God's tears.
Ixnay on self-pleasure.
Um, sorry, I keep...
Yeah, what?
So, does that make you
the...anti-wank party?
No.
No, that's not what we... That's
ONE aspect of what we stand for.
Yeah, but, so...basically
you're just saying
you're the anti-wank party.
No, we... Well, we... Yeah, no, well,
yes, we're the anti-wank par...
No, we're the anti-masturbation
party.
Sorry, anti...
No, we're not using that word.
You're putting words in my mouth.
We're the anti-masturbation party,
yes.
(SIGHS)
(NARRATES) That was painful.
But don't worry -
it gets worse.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Darren Bellows
and I am the leader
of the CUP Party.
Um, here's my car.
I'd be useless without it.
Isn't this great?
And it's a...it's a magnet,
so you can...
Sorry, it's... Here we go.
Here we go. See?
You can just pull that off.
I thought that was pretty snazzy.
Captions by Red Bee Media
(c) SBS Australia 2021