Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 9 - Take My Picture by the Pool - full transcript
Gigi gets a huge record deal while Bam and Rehab quit the band to become EDM DJs.
Holy shit. No whiskey in your coffee?
Must be something serious.
Why don't you blow me?
- Why? 'Cause Ava isn't?
- Yeah.
She told Gigi that things have slowed
down for you guys in the sack lately.
Look at me. I'm your age.
And I got a 21-year-old girlfriend, right?
- Look at you. You look like shit.
- She's not your girlfriend.
You're a revenge fuck.
That's what you are, okay?
She's just sleeping with
you to get back at me.
Dude, your daughter's worried about you.
Your woman isn't interested
in having sex with you.
Ava loves me. That's a given, okay?
She doesn't want to blow you.
So that's in danger of turning into
a brother-sister kind of love.
I have a sister.
I don't find her attractive. You know why?
'Cause she's my goddamn sister.
Get your shit together.
Take a good look in the mirror.
Actually, don't look in the mirror.
Why?
It ain't that pretty, pal.
Hey, hon, how old do you think I look?
I don't know.
How old do you want to look?
♪ Sex and drugs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Gonna make you shake ♪
♪ ♪
Ooh.
♪ Gonna make you move ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I don't hesitate ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Do what I want to do ♪
♪ ♪
♪ What's my name? ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Say my name ♪
♪ ♪
Yow!
♪ ♪
Fantastic. I love it.
And it couldn't come at
a better time, guys.
What do you mean?
I have some potentially big
and earth-shattering news.
I got an offer from Sony Music.
Get this. They want to sign Gigi.
They think she's gonna
be the next big thing,
and the advance is $250,000.
What?
Hang on. Hang on, everybody.
Everybody, just relax.
Relax. I'm not done yet.
As with all things too good to be true,
And there is a significant catch.
Who cares? It's $250,000.
Signify, baby. Go ahead.
They don't want the whole band.
What do you mean?
They only want you.
Okay, screw that.
We're not doing that. No way.
You tell them they take everybody
or they don't take anyone, right, guys?
- Right.
- That's right. We're a team.
We create as a team.
And this particular team
sticks together, right, guys?
- Right.
- Absolutely.
They also want to hire Johnny and Flash
to be Gigi's songwriters.
I mean, you know, "team"
could be the wrong word.
Yeah, we're not the goddamn NBA here.
We don't have uniforms.
What are you talking about?
This is family, guys.
That's what's most important.
They'll make a separate
deal with Johnny and Flash,
and you'll each get your own advance.
Although, you know, family really
is about blood and cohabitation.
Yep, it really is.
What'd they say about me and Rehab?
They said the drummer was too fat.
Told you to go on a diet.
And the bass player looked old enough
to be Frank Zappa's father.
Ha-ha. How's your face now?
You know, you are looking
pretty ancient, Rehab.
So do you, John.
And they also want you
to get a full makeover,
head to toe... New haircut,
new threads, new image.
They start their PR machine,
they don't want Gigi standing
next to someone stuck in 1992.
Their words, not mine. I'm sorry.
Guys, we're not actually
gonna do this, right?
They're gonna bring in a famed pop producer
named Amor to do the single.
And they want to shoot a video.
Now, I want to be clear here.
They want something commercial.
They're not gonna throw
this kind of money around
unless you're willing to sex
it up and sell out a little.
Sell out?
Guys, we're not gonna sell out.
A little... Just sell out a little.
That's what he said, okay?
Let's all relax.
It's not our decision.
It's Gigi's decision, right?
- It's Gigi's career.
- Yes, it is.
It's Gigi's image, honey.
So you shouldn't be thinking
about what Ira wants you to do
or what I want you to do.
You should be thinking
about what you want to do.
And I know you probably need some
time to make that decision, so...
Yes.
This is why I came here.
This is what I've wanted
since I was five years old.
This has been my dream. Amor is huge.
He secretly produced huge pop hits for J.Lo
and for Ariana Grande and Rihanna.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I really, really am.
But this could be my big break.
Listen, I can get you guys some DJ gigs.
Steve the Monkey's got a ton
of birthday parties coming up,
and he's thinking of busting a few moves.
DJ gigs with monkeys.
Yeah, it falls under the
beast-core umbrella and... so...
Screw you, Ira.
You don't get to fire us, man.
'Cause we quit.
Wait. Wait a minute, okay?
No, we do not need you assholes.
We do. We do need these...
No, beast-core does not
have an umbrella, man.
Okay? And you don't know
the first thing about it.
We invented it.
Time Out New York called us cutting-edge.
And we are not about to sell out
like some pop-schlock pissants
who are ready to suck some corporate cock.
- We are performance artists!
- Yeah.
- We have integrity!
- Yeah.
We have a beast-core manifesto!
- We do?
- Yeah, man, in the...
I showed you the notes... What
I showed you in my notebook.
That was more of a list, dude.
- Beast-core manifesto!
- Manifesto.
Rule number three: we don't sell out!
Come on, man.
Douchebags.
You know, my real family
broke up three times
'cause of my three dads,
and I thought this family
would be together forever.
But I guess that's my fault
for being a big, fat fool.
When do I get to give Johnny his makeover?
- When do I meet Amor?
- I need a copy of that song.
- I have it in the sound booth.
- You go get it.
Sony is not pinching pennies with us.
Look at this. This is Lavandier cognac.
This is like $5,000 a bottle.
Yeah, well, you might want
to swig some of that down
because your face is gonna be pretty sore
after these treatments.
Well, such is the price of fame.
What do you got lined up?
Okay, we have a dermal
ablation laser resurfacing,
A micro-current under-peel,
a liquid nitrous oxide injection,
and some lipotripsy radial shocks.
Sounds like you're working on a car.
We are. A 1992 Chevy Impala.
But by the time we get done with you,
you are gonna be a shiny, new 2016 Ferrari.
Yes, I am.
Diggin' your demo, dog.
That shit is on fleek, yo.
I'ma rework the beat, play with it,
kick it up, add some swavy
new lines and shit.
That's what I do, dog.
That's cool.
"Swavy." I dig it, dog.
Who's directing the video?
My nigrum B-lap.
He fleek too.
What's "B-lap" stand for?
Bitches be lapping up his vids, yo.
He's done Rihanna, Timberlake.
Wow, that's pretty heavy company.
Yo, Sony say you the next big thing, G.
Your star on fleek, like, what?
You stoked, dog?
I'm fleeked. I'm fleeking out.
- No, you're not.
- I thought I was.
I'm definitely stoked.
It's all good, B. You get it.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
♪ ♪
These outfits aren't even outfits.
They're just like glorified lingerie.
Stoked, baby. Gaga wears it all the time.
Yeah, but she's Gaga.
She's the queen of pop. She can.
You about to knock her off
that throne, Double G.
You know what I'm saying?
♪ ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ ♪
My God.
♪ ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
Are you happy with the new me you made?
The new you is gonna get
laid any time you want.
Is everything okay in there?
Yeah, everything is so good.
- Do you know what EDM stands for?
- Yes, I do.
"Extremely douchey music."
Not the way we're gonna do it.
We remix What's My Name?
Look, we still use some
of our animal sounds.
Only, we also use Gigi's vocal underneath
from yesterday, which I
recorded on my phone.
And we drive it with bass
and drums and synth loops.
Yeah, it features a human voice.
But dig this: are we not animals?
Animals who are stealing songs.
We helped them write that song.
Dude, creative control, that's the reason
we started beast-core in the first place.
All right, technically, we are animals.
I'm barely evolved.
- I'm like a ape.
- Yeah.
I spend half my time drawing
pictures of genitalia.
I'm a cheetah.
Dude.
What?
I'm... I'm fast, dude.
I'm very fast on my feet.
Dude.
I'm very nimble.
You put a cheesecake on a
stick, watch how fast I am.
You're not a cheetah. You're like a panda.
I'm not a panda.
I've been a panda my whole life.
I'm a cheetah. I'm a cheetah, or I'm out.
That's it.
Who's my cheesecake cheetah? Come on.
You're getting too excited.
I'm sorry for yelling at you.
I know.
All right, so how do we
make money off of this?
Well, I think that we use some of the cache
that we got from the first beast-core gig.
We use all those emails
from those fashion types.
We invite a lot of downtown
hipsters and stuff.
We do an EDM event.
We throw it here,
redo the entire space inside.
You and me deejay.
I'm telling you, hot DJs make,
like, major cabbage, bro.
I'm talking like 10 grand a day.
They see us. They love us.
They give us gigs galore
for 10 grand a day.
We can't deejay EDM gigs, okay?
We're too old. I got
fired for being too fat.
You got fired for looking like
Frank Zappa's grandfather.
His father. Dude, his dad, please.
I'm sorry. All right. All right.
Anyway, I got that angle covered.
How old are the guys from Daft Punk?
Nobody knows.
Exactly.
I got it.
'Cause we're beast-core.
Okay, this is what we're doing?
Let me see.
God.
Damn, girl, you the bomb.
A sex bomb.
I feel like a whore.
A sexy whore.
Step off, Lady Gaga.
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ ♪
Hi. Ooh!
What's going on?
My God. You look awesome.
My God. You look handsome.
They put you in a time machine?
Yes, he did.
Doesn't he look gorgeous?
How long's that face gonna last?
For 48 hours.
He has to go back every three days.
You know, the record
company's paying for it.
Who gives a shit, right?
Hey, how'd it go with Amor?
Dude's a trip.
But I guess he knows what he's doing.
You can't argue with success, right?
- Right.
- Yeah.
And he's reworking the track.
And then I have to go in tomorrow
and lay down the new vocal.
But I'm just praying that the songs
are better than the clothes.
Well, but, honey, they did tell us
we had to sex it up a little bit.
- I think the outfit's cute.
- Yeah.
Just don't forget I'm gonna be with her
in the studio tomorrow,
so you two have to take that dinner meeting
with those Sony hotshots.
Yes, at Craft. I've always
wanted to go there.
They serve a $7,000 bottle of wine.
Ooh, okay, come and look at what we got.
Still happy we took the deal?
My dick certainly is.
This shit is dope, dude.
Yeah, it's kind of cool,
but my helmet's a little tight.
It's supposed to be tight.
It's NASCAR approved.
Yeah. My God.
I don't know how I'm
gonna eat in this thing.
The food is for the guests.
Speaking of which,
I came up with my DJ name, bro.
- So did I.
- What is it?
DJ Whale Earnhardt Jr.
My God, that's genius.
Helmet bump. Ay-eeh.
Notice how I worked the
beast-core angle in there.
That's sneaky. Want to hear mine?
DJ Mac and Cheese.
Helmet bump.
Dude...
What the hell? Again with the food?
Come on, man, you got to
work an animal in there.
Don't forget the beast-core manifesto.
You sold out to the highest bidder.
We didn't sell out, man!
We're adapting.
Do not... don't you dare
close your visor on me.
Get... Hey, put your visor up.
Put that visor up.
Get back here. Bam!
Who's the panda now?
♪ ♪
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
These new lyrics are really explicit.
That's where the money is, baby.
Remember Gaga's tune LoveGame?
Don't think too much, just bust that kick.
Want to take a ride on your disco stick.
It's fleek, girl. You know what I'm saying?
I'm gonna sample some cannon sounds,
blow it up mad real.
These lyrics are gonna
make this song commercial.
More people are gonna hear it,
and we suck 'em in for
the rest of the album.
That's what we're gonna do, right?
Yeah, but the rest of the songs
aren't gonna sound like this, right?
Yeah, but this track will knock 'em down.
Then the rest of your songs
will knock 'em out, dead out.
Listen. Listen.
♪ ♪
Boom!
What?
Cannons!
I'm taking PBS Civil War type shit, girl!
Is that what we want?
We want PBS type?
Bombs.
Ken Burns type bombs, baby!
♪ ♪
♪ Baby, what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby, what's my name? ♪
Stop staring. You're just
gonna frustrate yourself.
These are young models.
They see us take off these helmets,
they see how old we are,
they will run away.
I'm not staring, bro.
- I'm spank-banking.
- My God.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
God.
I'm set for the rest of my life.
Spank-banks one and two are full.
I might have to delete
my Michelle Rodriguez semi-lesbo spank-bank
and replace it with this
model-on-model holding area.
Boo!
Hey, you want to spank-bank something?
Spank on that.
What the hell's that?
Young ad executive out there...
- Yeah?
- Heard our track.
Loves it.
Wants to put it in a very cool
perfume commercial this week
for loads of cash.
I'm fine with that, brother.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You don't feel like that's selling out
in a majorly douchey way?
Dude, look at all the spankings
that this DJ gig's given us.
God, look at that dress...
It's like they painted it on.
Ha, I'm gonna lick it off like a cake.
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Wow.
Wow, dig the spread?
Hey, that's Serbian pule,
the most expensive cheese in the world.
Shows you how much they
believe in the power of Gigi.
God, they got her looking like a hooker.
I know.
Would you like some "beluga stava"?
What's that?
It's the finest Russian caviar
combined with an essence
of saffron on a bed
of Serbian pule pillowed
with gold flake from Peru.
Translation: 500 bucks a bite.
- How does it smell?
- Horrible.
But tomorrow morning, I'm gonna find out
what it's like to take a $2,000 shit.
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn you on ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Give you what you want ♪
She's frigging awesome?
It looks like soft-core porn.
Did you okay this crap?
It's not crap.
Gaga does this.
♪ ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm your sex... ♪
♪ Bomb ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ ♪
Yo, girl, that's dope, yo.
Yeah, but, Amor,
I don't know how I'm going to do
all these dance moves and
sing live at the same time.
That's funny, yo.
That's ha-larious.
Why is that high-larious?
'Cause you don't sing live, yo.
Nobody does, Double G.
You lip-synch.
But what about the band?
There is no band.
There's just you and 25
dancers lip-synching.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
My daughter doesn't lip-synch, okay?
She has one of the greatest
voices I've ever heard.
And I don't know what this
auto-tune bullshit's for.
She's pitch-perfect.
You ain't got no more say, papi.
All right? It's down to me now.
And she don't sing.
She dance, yo.
Move to the groove, you
know what I'm saying?
You give people what they pay for, dog.
Let's run it again, yo.
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn you on ♪
♪ ♪
Mr. Bon Jovi?
Can I please have your autograph?
♪ ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a sex... ♪
♪ Bomb ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪
- All right, that's it!
That's it! Stop the music!
Cut! Cut, cut, cut!
This is the worst piece of shit
I've ever heard in my life.
That's exactly why it's gonna huge hit.
You gotta give the audience
what they dig, papi.
You call me papi one more
time, I swear to God
I'm gonna stuff your empty little head
into one of those $1-million
cheese wheels, okay, asshole?
- Johnny, chill out, dog.
- Dog?
Since when do you say "dog," all right?
Let's go, honey. Come on.
- Come on.
- Jeez, relax.
You people, you know,
you think you can just
buy us off with your big record advances
and your limousines and your fancy cheeses
and your $5,000 bottles of French cognac.
Yeah. Duh!
I mean, that's how big
record contracts work, brah.
Wait, what happened to your accent?
The accent isn't free, doll.
And neither is my artistic
contribution, okay?
Your artistic contribution,
which consists of close-up shots
of my daughter's tits and ass
and then these other four girls
running around playing with themselves.
You want the riches, you
got to bring the bitches.
You know, that's my mantra.
Got a ring to it.
Yeah, you know what my mantra is?
Go fuck yourself, okay?
And you can take your fancy booze
and your pretentious cheese,
and you can stick 'em up
your fake hip-hop ass.
That's just inappropriate, man.
My daughter's soul is not
up for sale, asshole.
Yeah, and neither is my dad's.
Let's blow this joint, papi.
It's a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.
Flash was all Gaga this and Gaga that.
He loved it when I looked like a whore.
So you know what I said to him?
I said, "Why don't you just go find Gaga?"
So Flash is in the doghouse.
Yep.
I'm telling you, we did
the right thing, okay?
'Cause if they sold you like J.Lo,
you'd have to be shaking your
tits for the next 20 years.
Flash may have had his head up his ass,
but I certainly didn't, thank God.
Well, we all kind of got seduced
by the pop music pot of gold.
- I know I did.
- I didn't.
- Really?
- Nope.
There's nothing that you're gonna miss?
Well, I mean, I'll miss the Lavandier
when I run out of it.
I'll miss the limos
and the money and the sex.
I'm gonna miss it all. But you know what?
I don't regret telling
those people to go to hell
because you're gonna be around
a lot longer than all of 'em, honey.
Well, you know what, honey?
You have a few more hours
before your face falls, so...
Honey, I'm not Jon Bon Jovi.
And I never will be, okay?
Dad, a Jon Bon Jovi blow
job is still a blow job.
What did I tell you about
saying that stuff like that?
You said to not say it, but I did anyway.
Actually the Bon Jovi ones are way
better than the regular ones.
Coming right in, hon.
I hate that I know what's
happening right now.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Must be something serious.
Why don't you blow me?
- Why? 'Cause Ava isn't?
- Yeah.
She told Gigi that things have slowed
down for you guys in the sack lately.
Look at me. I'm your age.
And I got a 21-year-old girlfriend, right?
- Look at you. You look like shit.
- She's not your girlfriend.
You're a revenge fuck.
That's what you are, okay?
She's just sleeping with
you to get back at me.
Dude, your daughter's worried about you.
Your woman isn't interested
in having sex with you.
Ava loves me. That's a given, okay?
She doesn't want to blow you.
So that's in danger of turning into
a brother-sister kind of love.
I have a sister.
I don't find her attractive. You know why?
'Cause she's my goddamn sister.
Get your shit together.
Take a good look in the mirror.
Actually, don't look in the mirror.
Why?
It ain't that pretty, pal.
Hey, hon, how old do you think I look?
I don't know.
How old do you want to look?
♪ Sex and drugs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Gonna make you shake ♪
♪ ♪
Ooh.
♪ Gonna make you move ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I don't hesitate ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ Do what I want to do ♪
♪ ♪
♪ What's my name? ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Say my name ♪
♪ ♪
Yow!
♪ ♪
Fantastic. I love it.
And it couldn't come at
a better time, guys.
What do you mean?
I have some potentially big
and earth-shattering news.
I got an offer from Sony Music.
Get this. They want to sign Gigi.
They think she's gonna
be the next big thing,
and the advance is $250,000.
What?
Hang on. Hang on, everybody.
Everybody, just relax.
Relax. I'm not done yet.
As with all things too good to be true,
And there is a significant catch.
Who cares? It's $250,000.
Signify, baby. Go ahead.
They don't want the whole band.
What do you mean?
They only want you.
Okay, screw that.
We're not doing that. No way.
You tell them they take everybody
or they don't take anyone, right, guys?
- Right.
- That's right. We're a team.
We create as a team.
And this particular team
sticks together, right, guys?
- Right.
- Absolutely.
They also want to hire Johnny and Flash
to be Gigi's songwriters.
I mean, you know, "team"
could be the wrong word.
Yeah, we're not the goddamn NBA here.
We don't have uniforms.
What are you talking about?
This is family, guys.
That's what's most important.
They'll make a separate
deal with Johnny and Flash,
and you'll each get your own advance.
Although, you know, family really
is about blood and cohabitation.
Yep, it really is.
What'd they say about me and Rehab?
They said the drummer was too fat.
Told you to go on a diet.
And the bass player looked old enough
to be Frank Zappa's father.
Ha-ha. How's your face now?
You know, you are looking
pretty ancient, Rehab.
So do you, John.
And they also want you
to get a full makeover,
head to toe... New haircut,
new threads, new image.
They start their PR machine,
they don't want Gigi standing
next to someone stuck in 1992.
Their words, not mine. I'm sorry.
Guys, we're not actually
gonna do this, right?
They're gonna bring in a famed pop producer
named Amor to do the single.
And they want to shoot a video.
Now, I want to be clear here.
They want something commercial.
They're not gonna throw
this kind of money around
unless you're willing to sex
it up and sell out a little.
Sell out?
Guys, we're not gonna sell out.
A little... Just sell out a little.
That's what he said, okay?
Let's all relax.
It's not our decision.
It's Gigi's decision, right?
- It's Gigi's career.
- Yes, it is.
It's Gigi's image, honey.
So you shouldn't be thinking
about what Ira wants you to do
or what I want you to do.
You should be thinking
about what you want to do.
And I know you probably need some
time to make that decision, so...
Yes.
This is why I came here.
This is what I've wanted
since I was five years old.
This has been my dream. Amor is huge.
He secretly produced huge pop hits for J.Lo
and for Ariana Grande and Rihanna.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I really, really am.
But this could be my big break.
Listen, I can get you guys some DJ gigs.
Steve the Monkey's got a ton
of birthday parties coming up,
and he's thinking of busting a few moves.
DJ gigs with monkeys.
Yeah, it falls under the
beast-core umbrella and... so...
Screw you, Ira.
You don't get to fire us, man.
'Cause we quit.
Wait. Wait a minute, okay?
No, we do not need you assholes.
We do. We do need these...
No, beast-core does not
have an umbrella, man.
Okay? And you don't know
the first thing about it.
We invented it.
Time Out New York called us cutting-edge.
And we are not about to sell out
like some pop-schlock pissants
who are ready to suck some corporate cock.
- We are performance artists!
- Yeah.
- We have integrity!
- Yeah.
We have a beast-core manifesto!
- We do?
- Yeah, man, in the...
I showed you the notes... What
I showed you in my notebook.
That was more of a list, dude.
- Beast-core manifesto!
- Manifesto.
Rule number three: we don't sell out!
Come on, man.
Douchebags.
You know, my real family
broke up three times
'cause of my three dads,
and I thought this family
would be together forever.
But I guess that's my fault
for being a big, fat fool.
When do I get to give Johnny his makeover?
- When do I meet Amor?
- I need a copy of that song.
- I have it in the sound booth.
- You go get it.
Sony is not pinching pennies with us.
Look at this. This is Lavandier cognac.
This is like $5,000 a bottle.
Yeah, well, you might want
to swig some of that down
because your face is gonna be pretty sore
after these treatments.
Well, such is the price of fame.
What do you got lined up?
Okay, we have a dermal
ablation laser resurfacing,
A micro-current under-peel,
a liquid nitrous oxide injection,
and some lipotripsy radial shocks.
Sounds like you're working on a car.
We are. A 1992 Chevy Impala.
But by the time we get done with you,
you are gonna be a shiny, new 2016 Ferrari.
Yes, I am.
Diggin' your demo, dog.
That shit is on fleek, yo.
I'ma rework the beat, play with it,
kick it up, add some swavy
new lines and shit.
That's what I do, dog.
That's cool.
"Swavy." I dig it, dog.
Who's directing the video?
My nigrum B-lap.
He fleek too.
What's "B-lap" stand for?
Bitches be lapping up his vids, yo.
He's done Rihanna, Timberlake.
Wow, that's pretty heavy company.
Yo, Sony say you the next big thing, G.
Your star on fleek, like, what?
You stoked, dog?
I'm fleeked. I'm fleeking out.
- No, you're not.
- I thought I was.
I'm definitely stoked.
It's all good, B. You get it.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
♪ ♪
These outfits aren't even outfits.
They're just like glorified lingerie.
Stoked, baby. Gaga wears it all the time.
Yeah, but she's Gaga.
She's the queen of pop. She can.
You about to knock her off
that throne, Double G.
You know what I'm saying?
♪ ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ ♪
My God.
♪ ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
Are you happy with the new me you made?
The new you is gonna get
laid any time you want.
Is everything okay in there?
Yeah, everything is so good.
- Do you know what EDM stands for?
- Yes, I do.
"Extremely douchey music."
Not the way we're gonna do it.
We remix What's My Name?
Look, we still use some
of our animal sounds.
Only, we also use Gigi's vocal underneath
from yesterday, which I
recorded on my phone.
And we drive it with bass
and drums and synth loops.
Yeah, it features a human voice.
But dig this: are we not animals?
Animals who are stealing songs.
We helped them write that song.
Dude, creative control, that's the reason
we started beast-core in the first place.
All right, technically, we are animals.
I'm barely evolved.
- I'm like a ape.
- Yeah.
I spend half my time drawing
pictures of genitalia.
I'm a cheetah.
Dude.
What?
I'm... I'm fast, dude.
I'm very fast on my feet.
Dude.
I'm very nimble.
You put a cheesecake on a
stick, watch how fast I am.
You're not a cheetah. You're like a panda.
I'm not a panda.
I've been a panda my whole life.
I'm a cheetah. I'm a cheetah, or I'm out.
That's it.
Who's my cheesecake cheetah? Come on.
You're getting too excited.
I'm sorry for yelling at you.
I know.
All right, so how do we
make money off of this?
Well, I think that we use some of the cache
that we got from the first beast-core gig.
We use all those emails
from those fashion types.
We invite a lot of downtown
hipsters and stuff.
We do an EDM event.
We throw it here,
redo the entire space inside.
You and me deejay.
I'm telling you, hot DJs make,
like, major cabbage, bro.
I'm talking like 10 grand a day.
They see us. They love us.
They give us gigs galore
for 10 grand a day.
We can't deejay EDM gigs, okay?
We're too old. I got
fired for being too fat.
You got fired for looking like
Frank Zappa's grandfather.
His father. Dude, his dad, please.
I'm sorry. All right. All right.
Anyway, I got that angle covered.
How old are the guys from Daft Punk?
Nobody knows.
Exactly.
I got it.
'Cause we're beast-core.
Okay, this is what we're doing?
Let me see.
God.
Damn, girl, you the bomb.
A sex bomb.
I feel like a whore.
A sexy whore.
Step off, Lady Gaga.
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ ♪
Hi. Ooh!
What's going on?
My God. You look awesome.
My God. You look handsome.
They put you in a time machine?
Yes, he did.
Doesn't he look gorgeous?
How long's that face gonna last?
For 48 hours.
He has to go back every three days.
You know, the record
company's paying for it.
Who gives a shit, right?
Hey, how'd it go with Amor?
Dude's a trip.
But I guess he knows what he's doing.
You can't argue with success, right?
- Right.
- Yeah.
And he's reworking the track.
And then I have to go in tomorrow
and lay down the new vocal.
But I'm just praying that the songs
are better than the clothes.
Well, but, honey, they did tell us
we had to sex it up a little bit.
- I think the outfit's cute.
- Yeah.
Just don't forget I'm gonna be with her
in the studio tomorrow,
so you two have to take that dinner meeting
with those Sony hotshots.
Yes, at Craft. I've always
wanted to go there.
They serve a $7,000 bottle of wine.
Ooh, okay, come and look at what we got.
Still happy we took the deal?
My dick certainly is.
This shit is dope, dude.
Yeah, it's kind of cool,
but my helmet's a little tight.
It's supposed to be tight.
It's NASCAR approved.
Yeah. My God.
I don't know how I'm
gonna eat in this thing.
The food is for the guests.
Speaking of which,
I came up with my DJ name, bro.
- So did I.
- What is it?
DJ Whale Earnhardt Jr.
My God, that's genius.
Helmet bump. Ay-eeh.
Notice how I worked the
beast-core angle in there.
That's sneaky. Want to hear mine?
DJ Mac and Cheese.
Helmet bump.
Dude...
What the hell? Again with the food?
Come on, man, you got to
work an animal in there.
Don't forget the beast-core manifesto.
You sold out to the highest bidder.
We didn't sell out, man!
We're adapting.
Do not... don't you dare
close your visor on me.
Get... Hey, put your visor up.
Put that visor up.
Get back here. Bam!
Who's the panda now?
♪ ♪
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
These new lyrics are really explicit.
That's where the money is, baby.
Remember Gaga's tune LoveGame?
Don't think too much, just bust that kick.
Want to take a ride on your disco stick.
It's fleek, girl. You know what I'm saying?
I'm gonna sample some cannon sounds,
blow it up mad real.
These lyrics are gonna
make this song commercial.
More people are gonna hear it,
and we suck 'em in for
the rest of the album.
That's what we're gonna do, right?
Yeah, but the rest of the songs
aren't gonna sound like this, right?
Yeah, but this track will knock 'em down.
Then the rest of your songs
will knock 'em out, dead out.
Listen. Listen.
♪ ♪
Boom!
What?
Cannons!
I'm taking PBS Civil War type shit, girl!
Is that what we want?
We want PBS type?
Bombs.
Ken Burns type bombs, baby!
♪ ♪
♪ Baby, what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby, what's my name? ♪
Stop staring. You're just
gonna frustrate yourself.
These are young models.
They see us take off these helmets,
they see how old we are,
they will run away.
I'm not staring, bro.
- I'm spank-banking.
- My God.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
God.
I'm set for the rest of my life.
Spank-banks one and two are full.
I might have to delete
my Michelle Rodriguez semi-lesbo spank-bank
and replace it with this
model-on-model holding area.
Boo!
Hey, you want to spank-bank something?
Spank on that.
What the hell's that?
Young ad executive out there...
- Yeah?
- Heard our track.
Loves it.
Wants to put it in a very cool
perfume commercial this week
for loads of cash.
I'm fine with that, brother.
- Really?
- Yeah.
You don't feel like that's selling out
in a majorly douchey way?
Dude, look at all the spankings
that this DJ gig's given us.
God, look at that dress...
It's like they painted it on.
Ha, I'm gonna lick it off like a cake.
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Wow.
Wow, dig the spread?
Hey, that's Serbian pule,
the most expensive cheese in the world.
Shows you how much they
believe in the power of Gigi.
God, they got her looking like a hooker.
I know.
Would you like some "beluga stava"?
What's that?
It's the finest Russian caviar
combined with an essence
of saffron on a bed
of Serbian pule pillowed
with gold flake from Peru.
Translation: 500 bucks a bite.
- How does it smell?
- Horrible.
But tomorrow morning, I'm gonna find out
what it's like to take a $2,000 shit.
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn you on ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Give you what you want ♪
She's frigging awesome?
It looks like soft-core porn.
Did you okay this crap?
It's not crap.
Gaga does this.
♪ ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm your sex... ♪
♪ Bomb ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ ♪
Yo, girl, that's dope, yo.
Yeah, but, Amor,
I don't know how I'm going to do
all these dance moves and
sing live at the same time.
That's funny, yo.
That's ha-larious.
Why is that high-larious?
'Cause you don't sing live, yo.
Nobody does, Double G.
You lip-synch.
But what about the band?
There is no band.
There's just you and 25
dancers lip-synching.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
My daughter doesn't lip-synch, okay?
She has one of the greatest
voices I've ever heard.
And I don't know what this
auto-tune bullshit's for.
She's pitch-perfect.
You ain't got no more say, papi.
All right? It's down to me now.
And she don't sing.
She dance, yo.
Move to the groove, you
know what I'm saying?
You give people what they pay for, dog.
Let's run it again, yo.
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Baby what's my name? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Turn you on ♪
♪ ♪
Mr. Bon Jovi?
Can I please have your autograph?
♪ ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a sex... ♪
♪ Bomb ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪
- All right, that's it!
That's it! Stop the music!
Cut! Cut, cut, cut!
This is the worst piece of shit
I've ever heard in my life.
That's exactly why it's gonna huge hit.
You gotta give the audience
what they dig, papi.
You call me papi one more
time, I swear to God
I'm gonna stuff your empty little head
into one of those $1-million
cheese wheels, okay, asshole?
- Johnny, chill out, dog.
- Dog?
Since when do you say "dog," all right?
Let's go, honey. Come on.
- Come on.
- Jeez, relax.
You people, you know,
you think you can just
buy us off with your big record advances
and your limousines and your fancy cheeses
and your $5,000 bottles of French cognac.
Yeah. Duh!
I mean, that's how big
record contracts work, brah.
Wait, what happened to your accent?
The accent isn't free, doll.
And neither is my artistic
contribution, okay?
Your artistic contribution,
which consists of close-up shots
of my daughter's tits and ass
and then these other four girls
running around playing with themselves.
You want the riches, you
got to bring the bitches.
You know, that's my mantra.
Got a ring to it.
Yeah, you know what my mantra is?
Go fuck yourself, okay?
And you can take your fancy booze
and your pretentious cheese,
and you can stick 'em up
your fake hip-hop ass.
That's just inappropriate, man.
My daughter's soul is not
up for sale, asshole.
Yeah, and neither is my dad's.
Let's blow this joint, papi.
It's a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.
Flash was all Gaga this and Gaga that.
He loved it when I looked like a whore.
So you know what I said to him?
I said, "Why don't you just go find Gaga?"
So Flash is in the doghouse.
Yep.
I'm telling you, we did
the right thing, okay?
'Cause if they sold you like J.Lo,
you'd have to be shaking your
tits for the next 20 years.
Flash may have had his head up his ass,
but I certainly didn't, thank God.
Well, we all kind of got seduced
by the pop music pot of gold.
- I know I did.
- I didn't.
- Really?
- Nope.
There's nothing that you're gonna miss?
Well, I mean, I'll miss the Lavandier
when I run out of it.
I'll miss the limos
and the money and the sex.
I'm gonna miss it all. But you know what?
I don't regret telling
those people to go to hell
because you're gonna be around
a lot longer than all of 'em, honey.
Well, you know what, honey?
You have a few more hours
before your face falls, so...
Honey, I'm not Jon Bon Jovi.
And I never will be, okay?
Dad, a Jon Bon Jovi blow
job is still a blow job.
What did I tell you about
saying that stuff like that?
You said to not say it, but I did anyway.
Actually the Bon Jovi ones are way
better than the regular ones.
Coming right in, hon.
I hate that I know what's
happening right now.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.