Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Doctor Doctor - full transcript
(Rehab)
I had to go to therapy
in all five detox centers
I've been to.
(Bam Bam)
Was it beneficial?
(Rehab) You just heard
me say five, right?
See, this is what I'm saying,
guys; it's not gonna work.
(Gigi) Hey, Dad, Dad, we are doing
this whether you like it or not.
- Yeah, what harm could it do?
- What harm could it do?
Did you see
the Metallica documentary
where they had
that life enhancement coach,
and it almost destroyed
the band?
(Bam Bam) Yeah, but it didn't.
It actually saved them.
And our guy,
he's not a coach.
(Flash)
Hey, he fixed Daltrey,
Townshend,
Kings of Leon, saved Aerosmith.
Yeah, he should have
saved us all from Aerosmith.
Those guys are like
100 years old now.
(Gigi) Oh, I think Joe
Perry's still got it.
Hey, when we met you said I had
a Joe Perry rock
elder statesman vibe.
(Gigi) Oh, that's
'cause you kind of do.
Yeah, you know who else has
a Joe Perry elder rock statesman
kind of vibe?
- Who?
- Joe [...] Perry, asshole.
(Bam Bam)
Joe Perry's got great hair.
Hey, Steven Tyler
has great hair.
He's got a great ass too.
- Really?
- I'm a drummer.
I've been looking at lead
singer's asses my whole life.
I know what I'm
talking about.
You really got to
get help, you know?
Huh? How's my ass look,
by the way?
It's okay.
- Just okay?
- It's just okay.
(Gigi)
Oh, my God, and he needs help?
[hard rock music]
♪ Sex and drugs
and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right
♪ All right
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die
♪ Anonymous
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
[waves lapping]
Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[mouthing words]
Mmm. Mmm.
It's the ocean
kissing the shore.
It's a calm and it's a quiet way
to begin a new relationship.
Now...
any questions?
Yeah.
Are you an actual doctor?
Yes, and I also practice
therapeutic shamanism.
Yeah, he's a witchdoctor.
That's what-
that's what I thought.
"Therapeutic shamanism"
is a--a healing process.
It's based on four centuries
of Native American beliefs.
I am a recognized member
of the Nakota Indian tribe.
I believe a box
of yesterday's rain
will heal
today's spiritual wound.
I'm sorry, this--
this sounds
like some creeped out
Grateful Dead bullshit to me.
- I'm with Johnny on this one.
- You're with me?
- Yes.
- Thank you, Rehab.
- You're welcome.
- Okay.
Listen, man,
are you an actual shrink or not?
Can you prescribe medication?
I am a licensed psychiatrist.
I can prescribe any and all
FDA-approved medications
as well as medicinal herbs.
Yeah, I'm not with you
on this one anymore.
(Flash) It's really not
up to Johnny, Doc.
We're all excited to be here.
Yeah, I'm very excited
to be here, Doctor.
I haven't been to the ocean
in, like, ten years.
Thank God, can you imagine him
in a bathing suit?
The fish would need
goddamn therapy.
Okay,
I have a few food issues.
A few? Let's try all.
You have all the issues.
Okay, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Okay, the finger pointing.
It's endless, okay.
He's always trying
to point the finger
at what's going on
with everybody else.
Meanwhile, he's got a booze
and blow issue.
(Johnny) No, no, no, no, no,
no, I don't have a blow issue.
I stopped doing blow.
I have a booze and weed issue,
and it's not an issue at all.
It's--it's just my thing.
Yeah, you got a pill problem.
Uh, prescription pill problem,
which my doctor created
to solve all my other issues.
Doc, you see how insane
they all sound?
Don't listen to him, okay.
The only reason he's here--
this is my daughter.
He's here because he wants to
have sex with her.
- Oh, my God.
- No, that's the truth.
No, that's not the truth.
I'm here because I believe
in forgiveness.
I believe that I can escape
the shackles of the past.
Plus, Gigi is, like,
totally into me.
(Johnny) Yeah, there's
your answer right there.
Okay, you know what I think?
I think that this band--I feel
that this band has lost sight
completely of what made them
so unforgettable starting out,
and now they're just hung up
on stupid resentments
from, like, two decades ago.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I am not.
- You totally are.
Hey, I am living in the here
and now, asshole, okay?
Your hairdo's
still stuck in 1992.
Ooh!
Hey, he's here to deal
with his fear of success,
so just lay off.
(Flash) Oh, failing his
balls off in Belgium?
What was that bullshit?
He freaked out on stage
in front of 4,000 people.
Because you gave him untested
tranqs and benzos, bushface.
Yeah, because the old man
can't handle it!
Hey, I can't hear the ocean.
(Rehab)
Shut up!
[all speaking at once]
Ahh...
[groans]
Relax.
Okay?
Just let it go.
You know,
I find this is very common
in musical circumstances
where members of the tribe,
they lose their way
to anger and to envy,
but fortunately,
I am deeply trained
in the art of soul retrieval.
I can heal all of these issues.
I can heal the food
and the alcohol
and the drugs, you know,
'cause all of these things
are all related to an emotion.
Now, the way I like to work is,
I want to have these
individual sessions, okay.
All of you
in your own work environment,
and you're gonna heal.
I can feel the heal.
You got any questions?
(Rehab) Yeah, can you get your hands
on some kick-ass peyote buttons
for medicinal purposes?
_
Oh, my God.
I have so much I'd--
that I want to say.
Okay, I know, I'm so--
I'm excited.
Okay, so do I just--
do I just talk?
Just start talking?
Open.
Okay, okay, great.
So...
What's Steven Tyler
really like?
I'm so happy to be here.
I'm happy you're here too.
Those lips, mmm.
It's like he's wearing a vagina
on his face.
Who is that on your T-shirt?
Oh, that's me.
It's one of my old bands.
It's cool, right?
There you are,
and there you are.
You thought about that?
It's just a cool T-shirt, man.
I'm afraid
almost all of the time,
and I don't think that anyone
else in the band knows that.
Johnny--Johnny tagged me
with that name, you know,
'cause I was in and out
of rehab all the time.
I--and you know what,
I hate the name.
So shallow, and I'm not
a shallow person, Doc.
I'm deep.
Have you thought about
being a man
who has to wear a picture
of himself to remind others
that he is a man?
I'm not real comfortable
with this face to face thing.
Can I--can I lay down?
Isn't that the more
traditional thing?
I don't know,
I think that the band
and my dad, I think
they think I'm really tough,
that nothing really gets to me,
but really I'm just freaking out
in my head all day.
Which is why I'm terrified
to do drugs.
I won't do drugs, you know,
because I'd probably
just kill myself.
Doing--I mean, I'm not-
I'm not gonna kill myself.
You're not gonna
write that down, right,
'cause that would be so awkward
if we were, like,
reading this back
to each other, and then
you said I was suicidal.
Doc, let me ask
you a question.
Okay, just answer me honestly.
Okay.
How old do you think I am?
If I'm picking up
on the right vibe here,
I'm getting the sense--
Like 30-something?
Late 30s?
- Not that kind of vibe.
- Oh.
I'm like a vessel.
I walk the earth,
and I breathe it in,
and I absorb it.
I'm not really like
a vessel, am I.
I'm more like a--a sponge.
What are you writing?
"Sponge."
Yeah, but you know, "vessel"
sounds cooler.
Then I'll write "vessel."
I had three dads growing up.
My real dad was a--
a bookie
and a raging alcoholic.
I'm really interested
in family...
Mm-hmm.
And you have a family.
It's a band,
and are you aware of the--
the dysfunction
of your family?
[deep sigh]
My first stepdad was an alchie
and a cokehead.
Mm-hmm.
Stepdad number two--
Was he an alcoholic?
No. Cop.
He actually busted
the other two dads.
Do you feel at peace?
Johnny?
Johnny?
[snoring]
_
Greg Dulli stole my vibe.
Dave Grohl stole my aura.
And this whole thing with Flash,
sometimes I'm--
I'm nervous that the only thing
that's drawing me
to him is that, you know,
is that father figure
I never had.
Makes me look, what?
37?
You said you're--you're
practiced in the art
of soul retrieval, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Can you suck my vibe
back out of Dulli
and my aura out
of Dave Grohl's asshole, huh?
Have you seen
Steven Tyler naked?
I mean, besides emotionally.
What are my triggers?
I don't know, pepperoni pizza,
jelly doughnuts, cake.
I like salmon.
I know that's weird.
Not that fattening,
but if you eat the whole thing.
This is the first time I've
ever had a family all together,
and it would be--you know,
worse than not getting famous
or anything like that;
It'd be really devastating
if that fell apart.
You know, the Jonah complex
is about destiny,
and maybe your destiny
wasn't to be a rock star.
Maybe it was just
to be a good father.
Really?
You're strong.
Maybe too strong.
Do I look ugly right now?
You're very beautiful.
No, but I look shitty
when I cry.
I don't look like--
I don't look like Claire Danes,
but I look pretty [...] bad.
[shushing]
You're very beautiful.
Are you hitting on me?
Each band
has a family dynamic,
and this family, it seems to me,
has lost its communal bond.
Now, this Nakota ritual,
which I call "the egg and I,"
is designed
to restore that bond.
Now, the goal is
to take each delicate egg
and pass it from person
to person,
and then put back safely
in its nest.
Each egg represents
a family member,
and if it breaks,
so does that family member.
Questions?
Yeah, why is my egg weird?
(Dr. Ball)
All the eggs are the same.
- Mine's not.
- They're the same.
Maybe it's weird
because you're different, bro.
Well, I want my egg
to be different.
Why don't you
try dyeing it black?
[laughter]
It doesn't really matter
what color the eggs are, okay?
So, Bam,
start with the first egg,
and pass it around the room.
Sure. Thanks.
- Come on, Bam Bam.
- You got this.
I'm gonna pick Johnny.
Oh, cool.
(Bam Bam)
Okay, nice and delicate.
You got it.
Pick it up.
- Don't make a thing out of it.
- I'm not.
- Oh!
- Shit!
Did you do that on purpose?
- Give me the goddamn eggs.
- No, no, no--oh!
- Oh now, I got one--oh!
- Oh!
(Rehab)
That was not elegant.
Oh, look.
Mine wasn't different.
It was special.
Don't...
You are a hateful person.
Last night I spoke
to Ava and Rehab,
Bam...
And I told them
that I would like to initiate
a ritual called "hear my voice."
Now, this allows
the less powerful members
of the tribe
to express their feelings
and or frustrations
through music.
They're gonna share,
and you're gonna listen,
and my God,
you're gonna digest.
Okay.
Bam.
This drumsong--
one word, drumsong--
is called Dad.
One, two, three, four.
Bah. Bah.
Bah. Bah.
Da, da, da!
Da, da, da!
♪ Baby, please don't go down
to New Orleans ♪
♪ You know I love you so
♪ Baby, please don't go
♪
[deep bass note]
[discordant notes]
♪
Dad, Dad, Dad!
Johnny!
Mom!
Dad!
(Ava)
♪ And down low
[discordant notes]
♪
[notes ringing]
Part one.
[gong crashes]
[screaming]
Ah, Ma!
[light applause]
This exercise is called
The Fame Game.
Cool.
- I am gonna hold up a card...
- Right.
- And you have three seconds...
- Okay.
To tell me
who this famous person is.
- Right, yeah.
- From when you hold it out?
Three seconds
from when you hold it up?
- Three.
- Yes.
Okay.
Okay, okay, and--and--
and who's keeping score?
There's no score.
But then how do we know
who wins?
There's no winner.
No, no,
you said it was a game.
It's a mind game.
Is it a game to see
who's the smartest?
No.
- Is it to see who's hippest...
- No.
Because I'm--I'm way
hipper than him.
You're hipper than me?
- That's hilarious.
- Oh, my God.
I am so much more celebrity
savvy than you are, Dad.
She thought Paul Newman
was a chef.
- He is, technically.
- He--he was, he's dead.
[shushing]
All right, okay.
His products live on.
Let's just do the exercise,
all right?
- Are we ready to begin?
- Okay. Yeah, please.
Okay.
(both)
Beatles.
Cary Grant.
Oh, I can't believe
you know him.
I'm a celeb sav, Dad.
Oh, you're a celeb sav.
(both)
Jon Stewart.
(Gigi)
Jeff Harrison.
George Harrison, savvy.
I said--I said--
I think I said George.
(Johnny)
Lindsay Lohan.
That's Chloe Moretz,
you idiot.
What--what does she do?
Not look like Lindsay Lohan
for one thing.
She looks a lot
like Lindsay Lohan.
You're so savvy.
(Gigi)
Tom Selleck.
Burt Reynolds.
Oh, Johnny Carson.
That's Lee Marvin.
Huge.
Looks like a sweaty
Johnny Carson.
Okay, whatever.
Good picture of Johnny Carson?
That is Steve McQueen, okay.
The King of Cool, okay.
Legend of the screen
and the racetrack.
How awesome does he look
in those sunglasses?
He looks so awesome.
You want to know
something interesting?
My Steve McQueen is black.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I--I--the guy--the short guy
from Key & Peele.
I don't know which guy he is,
but he's the short guy.
That's my Steve McQueen, okay.
He's an Oscar-winning director.
He made an amazing movie about a
black man escaping from slavery.
Oh, well, my Steve McQueen
made a great movie
about a white guy escaping
a Nazi--Nazi prison camp.
Oh, about a white guy.
Racist.
- Okay, how is it racist?
- Did your guy win an Oscar?
My guy is in
the Motocross Hall of Fame.
Oh, I'm being an asshole.
Did your guy win an Oscar?
Oh, he didn't win an Oscar.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, okay, this exercise
is over. It's over.
Who won?
You both failed this game.
You win by talking
to each other.
You win by sharing 'cause
that is where real victory lies.
What did we learn?
Well, there's two
Steve McQueens.
The Steve McQueens.
I had no idea there were two.
I think we learned that fame
is very, very fleeting.
You want the world to know
your name
even at the expense
of those who really do love you:
your families.
Within which,
and this is ironic,
you could be famous forever.
Now, John, tomorrow morning
I want you to make amends
with the band.
Let your sins be forgiven
for the past
so that you can begin
the healing tomorrow.
Pretty sure I beat you
six to five,
by the way.
(Gigi)
No way in hell.
I was counting
with my fingers.
The day has come.
Today, we are going
to open the floor
to an open and clear
conversation, okay?
Who wants to go first?
- Oh, me.
- Ava.
I would like more ukulele
in the band.
It's a fun instrument,
and it makes people happy.
Who votes yes?
I vote yes on the ukulele
if you vote yes
on my tribal drumsong.
Gigi?
Yes.
Ah, terrific.
Terrific.
This is great.
John, do you have anything
you would like to say
to the rest of the tribe?
Yes.
Flash.
What?
I apologize for sleeping
with your wife.
It was a selfish lapse
in judgment on my part.
Well, it's about time.
I know.
Okay, hey, you're making
some change.
22 years later,
but I accept your apology.
- Thank you.
- Oh, give me a goddamn break.
She slept with everybody,
plus she was way into Johnny.
Who said she was into Johnny?
She did.
To who?
- To Rehab.
- When?
I'd rather not say.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
She was a giant flaming whore.
And let me tell you
something else.
She's the only reason
he wants to sleep with you,
to get back at me.
That's what's really going on.
- That's true.
- Is that true?
- No. Yes, I'm--
- Oh, my God!
Why would you admit that?
(Flash)
He showed me the picture,
and then it was
in the beginning.
[all speaking at once]
Enough!
Jesus H. Christ.
What is going on here?
All of you assholes
were gonna let me play ukulele
live onstage,
and you want to talk
about your hurt feelings
and your resentments.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Ava, I think that--
Shut up, Yanni.
This ain't no democracy,
okay.
It's a dictatorship
always on the verge
of a military coup
'cause that's how
rock and roll bands work.
That never-ending struggle,
Mick versus Keith,
Joe versus Steven,
Johnny versus Flash.
It's that struggle,
that's what makes the magic.
Johnny was king,
and I'm sorry, baby,
but you have been dethroned
by Queen Gigi the First,
and the only feelings
I care about are hers.
So, Gigi, how do you
really feel about the ukulele?
I hate that goddamn midget
Game of Thrones guitar.
(all)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Fricking thing was
giving me hand cramps,
and, Gigi, how do you
feel about drumsong?
Okay, "drum" is a word.
"Song" is a word.
- "Drumsong" is not a word.
- It's a word.
- It's not a word!
- If I--I said it!
It's not a word.
[all speaking at once]
Wait a minute!
- Whoa!
- Wait.
I disagree with all this.
The doctor has a point.
We can change.
I changed.
Look, I changed my diet.
The doc put me on no sugar,
no carbs,
and thank your wife
for the green beans, by the way.
These are so fresh and good.
You're doing great.
And Flash changed.
Look, he changed his hair.
Twice.
Bam Bam, I just--I'm so glad
there's someone
whose soul
is still retrievable here,
and thank you.
Pepperoni pizza
for a Mr. Bam Bam?
(delivery man)
Is there a Bam Bam?
I told you
to call me from downstairs
and I'd meet you
in the alley.
It's a pizza, man.
It's not a bag of blow, bro.
Relax.
That's it!
God, I--I can't.
I'm out. I'm out.
I mean, you people
are the worst.
You're like a symphony
of narcissism.
I actually think you're
all untreatable.
I mean, you.
- You're like an egomaniac.
- Hey, hey.
See, I told you.
Oh, shut up!
You!
You never for a moment
looked a day under 50.
You know something?
You guys, you're like ten times
worse than Metallica,
Kings of Leon,
and Aerosmith combined.
I actually think--
no, no, I know.
I know.
You are all truly
the most [...] up band
in the history of rock and roll.
What are you looking at?
[door slams]
Wow.
We're the most [...] up band
in the history of rock and roll!
[all cheering]
Kiss my ass, Aerosmith!
- Bring it in, man!
- Nice!
(Johnny)
Screw Metallica.
Come on, let's jam.
Come on,
(Rehab) Let's make a trail of
disgusted unhappy people around--
Yeah.
Do you understand how close
we just came to having a ukulele
in this rock band?
I know.
You just learned a very valuable
lesson about rock and roll.
And what's that?
Great bands
are full of talented people,
and most talented people
are vain, egomaniacal,
insecure assholes.
This is something that
you should be an expert on.
Exactly, okay.
The key is to be
the biggest asshole
with the loudest microphone.
What about the stuff
that Dr. Ball said about me
and about, you know, family?
Yes.
Which part of--
what'd he say?
Oh, my God. Ugh.
I just want to make sure
we're on the same page.
Okay, he said that family
is more important than fame.
Right.
Which is kind of
total bullshit
when you're dealing
with a band.
I guess it doesn't
really apply, does it?
Well, unless we make
this family into something
worthwhile, it's not--yeah.
Let's just take it
for what it is.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's sing.
- All right.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good talk.
Hey!
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Ho!
♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na, na
♪ Yeah
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪
♪ Ooh
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
I had to go to therapy
in all five detox centers
I've been to.
(Bam Bam)
Was it beneficial?
(Rehab) You just heard
me say five, right?
See, this is what I'm saying,
guys; it's not gonna work.
(Gigi) Hey, Dad, Dad, we are doing
this whether you like it or not.
- Yeah, what harm could it do?
- What harm could it do?
Did you see
the Metallica documentary
where they had
that life enhancement coach,
and it almost destroyed
the band?
(Bam Bam) Yeah, but it didn't.
It actually saved them.
And our guy,
he's not a coach.
(Flash)
Hey, he fixed Daltrey,
Townshend,
Kings of Leon, saved Aerosmith.
Yeah, he should have
saved us all from Aerosmith.
Those guys are like
100 years old now.
(Gigi) Oh, I think Joe
Perry's still got it.
Hey, when we met you said I had
a Joe Perry rock
elder statesman vibe.
(Gigi) Oh, that's
'cause you kind of do.
Yeah, you know who else has
a Joe Perry elder rock statesman
kind of vibe?
- Who?
- Joe [...] Perry, asshole.
(Bam Bam)
Joe Perry's got great hair.
Hey, Steven Tyler
has great hair.
He's got a great ass too.
- Really?
- I'm a drummer.
I've been looking at lead
singer's asses my whole life.
I know what I'm
talking about.
You really got to
get help, you know?
Huh? How's my ass look,
by the way?
It's okay.
- Just okay?
- It's just okay.
(Gigi)
Oh, my God, and he needs help?
[hard rock music]
♪ Sex and drugs
and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right
♪ All right
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die
♪ Anonymous
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
[waves lapping]
Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
[mouthing words]
Mmm. Mmm.
It's the ocean
kissing the shore.
It's a calm and it's a quiet way
to begin a new relationship.
Now...
any questions?
Yeah.
Are you an actual doctor?
Yes, and I also practice
therapeutic shamanism.
Yeah, he's a witchdoctor.
That's what-
that's what I thought.
"Therapeutic shamanism"
is a--a healing process.
It's based on four centuries
of Native American beliefs.
I am a recognized member
of the Nakota Indian tribe.
I believe a box
of yesterday's rain
will heal
today's spiritual wound.
I'm sorry, this--
this sounds
like some creeped out
Grateful Dead bullshit to me.
- I'm with Johnny on this one.
- You're with me?
- Yes.
- Thank you, Rehab.
- You're welcome.
- Okay.
Listen, man,
are you an actual shrink or not?
Can you prescribe medication?
I am a licensed psychiatrist.
I can prescribe any and all
FDA-approved medications
as well as medicinal herbs.
Yeah, I'm not with you
on this one anymore.
(Flash) It's really not
up to Johnny, Doc.
We're all excited to be here.
Yeah, I'm very excited
to be here, Doctor.
I haven't been to the ocean
in, like, ten years.
Thank God, can you imagine him
in a bathing suit?
The fish would need
goddamn therapy.
Okay,
I have a few food issues.
A few? Let's try all.
You have all the issues.
Okay, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Okay, the finger pointing.
It's endless, okay.
He's always trying
to point the finger
at what's going on
with everybody else.
Meanwhile, he's got a booze
and blow issue.
(Johnny) No, no, no, no, no,
no, I don't have a blow issue.
I stopped doing blow.
I have a booze and weed issue,
and it's not an issue at all.
It's--it's just my thing.
Yeah, you got a pill problem.
Uh, prescription pill problem,
which my doctor created
to solve all my other issues.
Doc, you see how insane
they all sound?
Don't listen to him, okay.
The only reason he's here--
this is my daughter.
He's here because he wants to
have sex with her.
- Oh, my God.
- No, that's the truth.
No, that's not the truth.
I'm here because I believe
in forgiveness.
I believe that I can escape
the shackles of the past.
Plus, Gigi is, like,
totally into me.
(Johnny) Yeah, there's
your answer right there.
Okay, you know what I think?
I think that this band--I feel
that this band has lost sight
completely of what made them
so unforgettable starting out,
and now they're just hung up
on stupid resentments
from, like, two decades ago.
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I am not.
- You totally are.
Hey, I am living in the here
and now, asshole, okay?
Your hairdo's
still stuck in 1992.
Ooh!
Hey, he's here to deal
with his fear of success,
so just lay off.
(Flash) Oh, failing his
balls off in Belgium?
What was that bullshit?
He freaked out on stage
in front of 4,000 people.
Because you gave him untested
tranqs and benzos, bushface.
Yeah, because the old man
can't handle it!
Hey, I can't hear the ocean.
(Rehab)
Shut up!
[all speaking at once]
Ahh...
[groans]
Relax.
Okay?
Just let it go.
You know,
I find this is very common
in musical circumstances
where members of the tribe,
they lose their way
to anger and to envy,
but fortunately,
I am deeply trained
in the art of soul retrieval.
I can heal all of these issues.
I can heal the food
and the alcohol
and the drugs, you know,
'cause all of these things
are all related to an emotion.
Now, the way I like to work is,
I want to have these
individual sessions, okay.
All of you
in your own work environment,
and you're gonna heal.
I can feel the heal.
You got any questions?
(Rehab) Yeah, can you get your hands
on some kick-ass peyote buttons
for medicinal purposes?
_
Oh, my God.
I have so much I'd--
that I want to say.
Okay, I know, I'm so--
I'm excited.
Okay, so do I just--
do I just talk?
Just start talking?
Open.
Okay, okay, great.
So...
What's Steven Tyler
really like?
I'm so happy to be here.
I'm happy you're here too.
Those lips, mmm.
It's like he's wearing a vagina
on his face.
Who is that on your T-shirt?
Oh, that's me.
It's one of my old bands.
It's cool, right?
There you are,
and there you are.
You thought about that?
It's just a cool T-shirt, man.
I'm afraid
almost all of the time,
and I don't think that anyone
else in the band knows that.
Johnny--Johnny tagged me
with that name, you know,
'cause I was in and out
of rehab all the time.
I--and you know what,
I hate the name.
So shallow, and I'm not
a shallow person, Doc.
I'm deep.
Have you thought about
being a man
who has to wear a picture
of himself to remind others
that he is a man?
I'm not real comfortable
with this face to face thing.
Can I--can I lay down?
Isn't that the more
traditional thing?
I don't know,
I think that the band
and my dad, I think
they think I'm really tough,
that nothing really gets to me,
but really I'm just freaking out
in my head all day.
Which is why I'm terrified
to do drugs.
I won't do drugs, you know,
because I'd probably
just kill myself.
Doing--I mean, I'm not-
I'm not gonna kill myself.
You're not gonna
write that down, right,
'cause that would be so awkward
if we were, like,
reading this back
to each other, and then
you said I was suicidal.
Doc, let me ask
you a question.
Okay, just answer me honestly.
Okay.
How old do you think I am?
If I'm picking up
on the right vibe here,
I'm getting the sense--
Like 30-something?
Late 30s?
- Not that kind of vibe.
- Oh.
I'm like a vessel.
I walk the earth,
and I breathe it in,
and I absorb it.
I'm not really like
a vessel, am I.
I'm more like a--a sponge.
What are you writing?
"Sponge."
Yeah, but you know, "vessel"
sounds cooler.
Then I'll write "vessel."
I had three dads growing up.
My real dad was a--
a bookie
and a raging alcoholic.
I'm really interested
in family...
Mm-hmm.
And you have a family.
It's a band,
and are you aware of the--
the dysfunction
of your family?
[deep sigh]
My first stepdad was an alchie
and a cokehead.
Mm-hmm.
Stepdad number two--
Was he an alcoholic?
No. Cop.
He actually busted
the other two dads.
Do you feel at peace?
Johnny?
Johnny?
[snoring]
_
Greg Dulli stole my vibe.
Dave Grohl stole my aura.
And this whole thing with Flash,
sometimes I'm--
I'm nervous that the only thing
that's drawing me
to him is that, you know,
is that father figure
I never had.
Makes me look, what?
37?
You said you're--you're
practiced in the art
of soul retrieval, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Can you suck my vibe
back out of Dulli
and my aura out
of Dave Grohl's asshole, huh?
Have you seen
Steven Tyler naked?
I mean, besides emotionally.
What are my triggers?
I don't know, pepperoni pizza,
jelly doughnuts, cake.
I like salmon.
I know that's weird.
Not that fattening,
but if you eat the whole thing.
This is the first time I've
ever had a family all together,
and it would be--you know,
worse than not getting famous
or anything like that;
It'd be really devastating
if that fell apart.
You know, the Jonah complex
is about destiny,
and maybe your destiny
wasn't to be a rock star.
Maybe it was just
to be a good father.
Really?
You're strong.
Maybe too strong.
Do I look ugly right now?
You're very beautiful.
No, but I look shitty
when I cry.
I don't look like--
I don't look like Claire Danes,
but I look pretty [...] bad.
[shushing]
You're very beautiful.
Are you hitting on me?
Each band
has a family dynamic,
and this family, it seems to me,
has lost its communal bond.
Now, this Nakota ritual,
which I call "the egg and I,"
is designed
to restore that bond.
Now, the goal is
to take each delicate egg
and pass it from person
to person,
and then put back safely
in its nest.
Each egg represents
a family member,
and if it breaks,
so does that family member.
Questions?
Yeah, why is my egg weird?
(Dr. Ball)
All the eggs are the same.
- Mine's not.
- They're the same.
Maybe it's weird
because you're different, bro.
Well, I want my egg
to be different.
Why don't you
try dyeing it black?
[laughter]
It doesn't really matter
what color the eggs are, okay?
So, Bam,
start with the first egg,
and pass it around the room.
Sure. Thanks.
- Come on, Bam Bam.
- You got this.
I'm gonna pick Johnny.
Oh, cool.
(Bam Bam)
Okay, nice and delicate.
You got it.
Pick it up.
- Don't make a thing out of it.
- I'm not.
- Oh!
- Shit!
Did you do that on purpose?
- Give me the goddamn eggs.
- No, no, no--oh!
- Oh now, I got one--oh!
- Oh!
(Rehab)
That was not elegant.
Oh, look.
Mine wasn't different.
It was special.
Don't...
You are a hateful person.
Last night I spoke
to Ava and Rehab,
Bam...
And I told them
that I would like to initiate
a ritual called "hear my voice."
Now, this allows
the less powerful members
of the tribe
to express their feelings
and or frustrations
through music.
They're gonna share,
and you're gonna listen,
and my God,
you're gonna digest.
Okay.
Bam.
This drumsong--
one word, drumsong--
is called Dad.
One, two, three, four.
Bah. Bah.
Bah. Bah.
Da, da, da!
Da, da, da!
♪ Baby, please don't go down
to New Orleans ♪
♪ You know I love you so
♪ Baby, please don't go
♪
[deep bass note]
[discordant notes]
♪
Dad, Dad, Dad!
Johnny!
Mom!
Dad!
(Ava)
♪ And down low
[discordant notes]
♪
[notes ringing]
Part one.
[gong crashes]
[screaming]
Ah, Ma!
[light applause]
This exercise is called
The Fame Game.
Cool.
- I am gonna hold up a card...
- Right.
- And you have three seconds...
- Okay.
To tell me
who this famous person is.
- Right, yeah.
- From when you hold it out?
Three seconds
from when you hold it up?
- Three.
- Yes.
Okay.
Okay, okay, and--and--
and who's keeping score?
There's no score.
But then how do we know
who wins?
There's no winner.
No, no,
you said it was a game.
It's a mind game.
Is it a game to see
who's the smartest?
No.
- Is it to see who's hippest...
- No.
Because I'm--I'm way
hipper than him.
You're hipper than me?
- That's hilarious.
- Oh, my God.
I am so much more celebrity
savvy than you are, Dad.
She thought Paul Newman
was a chef.
- He is, technically.
- He--he was, he's dead.
[shushing]
All right, okay.
His products live on.
Let's just do the exercise,
all right?
- Are we ready to begin?
- Okay. Yeah, please.
Okay.
(both)
Beatles.
Cary Grant.
Oh, I can't believe
you know him.
I'm a celeb sav, Dad.
Oh, you're a celeb sav.
(both)
Jon Stewart.
(Gigi)
Jeff Harrison.
George Harrison, savvy.
I said--I said--
I think I said George.
(Johnny)
Lindsay Lohan.
That's Chloe Moretz,
you idiot.
What--what does she do?
Not look like Lindsay Lohan
for one thing.
She looks a lot
like Lindsay Lohan.
You're so savvy.
(Gigi)
Tom Selleck.
Burt Reynolds.
Oh, Johnny Carson.
That's Lee Marvin.
Huge.
Looks like a sweaty
Johnny Carson.
Okay, whatever.
Good picture of Johnny Carson?
That is Steve McQueen, okay.
The King of Cool, okay.
Legend of the screen
and the racetrack.
How awesome does he look
in those sunglasses?
He looks so awesome.
You want to know
something interesting?
My Steve McQueen is black.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I--I--the guy--the short guy
from Key & Peele.
I don't know which guy he is,
but he's the short guy.
That's my Steve McQueen, okay.
He's an Oscar-winning director.
He made an amazing movie about a
black man escaping from slavery.
Oh, well, my Steve McQueen
made a great movie
about a white guy escaping
a Nazi--Nazi prison camp.
Oh, about a white guy.
Racist.
- Okay, how is it racist?
- Did your guy win an Oscar?
My guy is in
the Motocross Hall of Fame.
Oh, I'm being an asshole.
Did your guy win an Oscar?
Oh, he didn't win an Oscar.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, okay, this exercise
is over. It's over.
Who won?
You both failed this game.
You win by talking
to each other.
You win by sharing 'cause
that is where real victory lies.
What did we learn?
Well, there's two
Steve McQueens.
The Steve McQueens.
I had no idea there were two.
I think we learned that fame
is very, very fleeting.
You want the world to know
your name
even at the expense
of those who really do love you:
your families.
Within which,
and this is ironic,
you could be famous forever.
Now, John, tomorrow morning
I want you to make amends
with the band.
Let your sins be forgiven
for the past
so that you can begin
the healing tomorrow.
Pretty sure I beat you
six to five,
by the way.
(Gigi)
No way in hell.
I was counting
with my fingers.
The day has come.
Today, we are going
to open the floor
to an open and clear
conversation, okay?
Who wants to go first?
- Oh, me.
- Ava.
I would like more ukulele
in the band.
It's a fun instrument,
and it makes people happy.
Who votes yes?
I vote yes on the ukulele
if you vote yes
on my tribal drumsong.
Gigi?
Yes.
Ah, terrific.
Terrific.
This is great.
John, do you have anything
you would like to say
to the rest of the tribe?
Yes.
Flash.
What?
I apologize for sleeping
with your wife.
It was a selfish lapse
in judgment on my part.
Well, it's about time.
I know.
Okay, hey, you're making
some change.
22 years later,
but I accept your apology.
- Thank you.
- Oh, give me a goddamn break.
She slept with everybody,
plus she was way into Johnny.
Who said she was into Johnny?
She did.
To who?
- To Rehab.
- When?
I'd rather not say.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
She was a giant flaming whore.
And let me tell you
something else.
She's the only reason
he wants to sleep with you,
to get back at me.
That's what's really going on.
- That's true.
- Is that true?
- No. Yes, I'm--
- Oh, my God!
Why would you admit that?
(Flash)
He showed me the picture,
and then it was
in the beginning.
[all speaking at once]
Enough!
Jesus H. Christ.
What is going on here?
All of you assholes
were gonna let me play ukulele
live onstage,
and you want to talk
about your hurt feelings
and your resentments.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Ava, I think that--
Shut up, Yanni.
This ain't no democracy,
okay.
It's a dictatorship
always on the verge
of a military coup
'cause that's how
rock and roll bands work.
That never-ending struggle,
Mick versus Keith,
Joe versus Steven,
Johnny versus Flash.
It's that struggle,
that's what makes the magic.
Johnny was king,
and I'm sorry, baby,
but you have been dethroned
by Queen Gigi the First,
and the only feelings
I care about are hers.
So, Gigi, how do you
really feel about the ukulele?
I hate that goddamn midget
Game of Thrones guitar.
(all)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Fricking thing was
giving me hand cramps,
and, Gigi, how do you
feel about drumsong?
Okay, "drum" is a word.
"Song" is a word.
- "Drumsong" is not a word.
- It's a word.
- It's not a word!
- If I--I said it!
It's not a word.
[all speaking at once]
Wait a minute!
- Whoa!
- Wait.
I disagree with all this.
The doctor has a point.
We can change.
I changed.
Look, I changed my diet.
The doc put me on no sugar,
no carbs,
and thank your wife
for the green beans, by the way.
These are so fresh and good.
You're doing great.
And Flash changed.
Look, he changed his hair.
Twice.
Bam Bam, I just--I'm so glad
there's someone
whose soul
is still retrievable here,
and thank you.
Pepperoni pizza
for a Mr. Bam Bam?
(delivery man)
Is there a Bam Bam?
I told you
to call me from downstairs
and I'd meet you
in the alley.
It's a pizza, man.
It's not a bag of blow, bro.
Relax.
That's it!
God, I--I can't.
I'm out. I'm out.
I mean, you people
are the worst.
You're like a symphony
of narcissism.
I actually think you're
all untreatable.
I mean, you.
- You're like an egomaniac.
- Hey, hey.
See, I told you.
Oh, shut up!
You!
You never for a moment
looked a day under 50.
You know something?
You guys, you're like ten times
worse than Metallica,
Kings of Leon,
and Aerosmith combined.
I actually think--
no, no, I know.
I know.
You are all truly
the most [...] up band
in the history of rock and roll.
What are you looking at?
[door slams]
Wow.
We're the most [...] up band
in the history of rock and roll!
[all cheering]
Kiss my ass, Aerosmith!
- Bring it in, man!
- Nice!
(Johnny)
Screw Metallica.
Come on, let's jam.
Come on,
(Rehab) Let's make a trail of
disgusted unhappy people around--
Yeah.
Do you understand how close
we just came to having a ukulele
in this rock band?
I know.
You just learned a very valuable
lesson about rock and roll.
And what's that?
Great bands
are full of talented people,
and most talented people
are vain, egomaniacal,
insecure assholes.
This is something that
you should be an expert on.
Exactly, okay.
The key is to be
the biggest asshole
with the loudest microphone.
What about the stuff
that Dr. Ball said about me
and about, you know, family?
Yes.
Which part of--
what'd he say?
Oh, my God. Ugh.
I just want to make sure
we're on the same page.
Okay, he said that family
is more important than fame.
Right.
Which is kind of
total bullshit
when you're dealing
with a band.
I guess it doesn't
really apply, does it?
Well, unless we make
this family into something
worthwhile, it's not--yeah.
Let's just take it
for what it is.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Let's sing.
- All right.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good talk.
Hey!
[upbeat rock music]
♪ Ho!
♪
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na, na
♪ Yeah
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na-na
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪
♪ Ooh
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh
♪ Ooh