Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - What You Like Is in the Limo - full transcript
Gigi's success on the NYC scene leads to The Heathens finding out they are somehow still big in Belgium.
♪
Oh, excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, sorry.
♪
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Katy.
Hi, Katy.
You're not...
who I think you are, are you?
Who do you think I am?
You know.
Yeah, it's me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
- Yeah. Hey.
- Colleen, that's him.
Oh, my God.
I knew it.
Hey.
How are you?
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you?
- I'm such a fan.
We loved you
in Wedding Crashers.
I saw it, like, 100 times
when I was a kid.
You were so funny.
David, this is
Christopher Walken.
I knew it.
What's Owen Wilson like?
Is he nice?
Guys, Christopher Walken's,
like, 70 years old, okay?
Do I look 70 to you?
♪ Sex and drugs
and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right
♪ All right
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die
♪ Anonymous
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Okay. Hey.
- What's up?
Check this out.
We are officially big
in Belgium.
- What?
- Who? Me?
No, no, The Heathens.
The advance sales
on Sex & Drugs
were massive there
back in the day.
So apparently
some hip DJ in Brussels
became a huge fan,
so after the death hoax...
The whole Belgian rock scene
went ape-shit for us
all over again.
You're kidding. Because–what?
'Cause they thought
I was dead, right?
No, because they thought
you died back in '94.
Oh, let's face it.
Creatively, Johnny,
you kind of did.
The fact the band broke up
the day the album came out
made you Belgian cult heroes–
very devoted fans.
So when Johnny OD'd on blow
two years later...
Which I warned you about.
The "I don't want
to die anonymous" verse
of Sex & Drugs
became the fan base's
mission statement.
They didn't want you
to die anonymous.
Who does, right?
I want to say one thing,
about Belgium, all right?
They have been
on the cutting edge
of pharmaceutical drugs
for over 50 years.
You know what else, baby doll?
Waffles.
Pills and waffles–
that's what drives my band.
That's what's up, baby.
Look, they're calling
the news
that Johnny is still alive
"the second coming."
But, you guys, watch this.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
Check this out.
- Oh, my God.
- You guys look great.
- Oh, you guys look young.
- What?
- I know.
- Mm!
Look at my hair!
Look at my hair!
Oh, you have hair.
I'm what happens
when Davie Bowie
meets Joe motherfucking Strummer.
_
_
_
_
_
_
- How crazy is that?
- Really cool.
You know what
the chicks speak
in Belgium, right?
Yeah, Belch.
No, asshole.
Flemish.
Flem–
It's not even a language.
Promoters are saying
they can sell out
the 8,000-seat
Vorst National arena
for what they're calling
The Johnny Rock
Resurrection Tour.
You know what
would be really cool?
Stigmata–you know,
like an open wound
on each hand
when I come out on the stage.
We need
a special effects guy.
That ain't gonna happen.
Maybe you didn't die,
but The Heathens
are dead and gone.
We're The Assassins now.
There's our lead singer.
Thanks, babe.
- "Babe"?
- Aww.
Listen, we can have
our cake and eat it too.
Make Gigi the opening act,
you guys the headliners.
I'm not an opening act.
You guys open up,
do an hour and a half,
bring Gigi in
for two numbers at the end.
Three numbers.
Three.
Who's in?
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I am so in.
- I'm in!
- I'm out.
- Aw, come on!
- Flash!
- No.
- Honey.
- "Honey"?
Johnny Rock is over.
This photo shoot's for who?
The Heathens?
No. The Assassins.
Why?
Because we kicked ass
at Glasslands last week,
and the heat came down
on Gigi.
See these outfits
and this gear
and these lenses?
They're all pointed
towards the future.
Not the past.
We're never doing another gig
with you as our lead singer.
They're offering us
175 grand.
Doing one more gig
with you as our lead singer.
All right, let's get
some new shots of Johnny
for the posters.
Let's go.
♪
Don't squint.
- It makes your eyes...
- What?
Make more space on
the side of your eyes.
Look strong, like you're
looking into the wind,
but you're not scared.
Good.
Yeah.
Uh...
We're gonna have to
de-age these.
What?
♪ Oh, going to Europe
♪ And Paris, France
♪ To the Eiffel Tower
♪ And gonna
eat some brie there ♪
♪ Hey, yow
What you writin', baby?
Well, I'm working on
the set list
for Belgium, hon.
- Mm.
- See, Gige,
when you headline,
it's way different
than when you just do,
like, a showcase
with a few songs.
Yeah?
Yep, when you headline,
when, you know,
you're like a star,
you got to take the audience
on a two-hour
roller coaster ride.
Okay, so show me how.
- Yeah?
- Yep.
Okay, so basically,
what you want to do is,
you want to come out;
you want to grab
their attention.
So, boom,
hit 'em with a rocker.
And right when they're
thinking about that, boom,
hit 'em with another one–
boom, boom, two more.
Now you start to work your way
to the mid-tempo stuff.
Maybe throw
another rocker in there
somewhere in the middle.
Then you start working your way
towards the ballads.
You start seducing them.
And once you have them all
sucked in, boom.
Hit 'em with another rocker,
and then get off stage
'cause you always want
to leave them wanting more.
That's the key.
Yeah, and don't puke
on them either.
Honey, that happened one time
when I had that cheap cognac
and the bad blow.
Mm, another no-no.
- I don't get it.
- What?
No, I just–
I thought we were
on the same page
with me, you know?
My career with you
in the background,
and that no matter
what happened,
it was gonna be
the three of us.
It was gonna be
you, me, and Ava,
you know, starting
this new life together.
- Yes. Right.
- That's what we talked about.
No, we did.
We talked about that.
And that–that's totally–
you know, that's the plan.
And that's totally
what we're doing,
but this is bigger
than us, honey.
This–Belgium? I mean,
this comes out of the blue.
This has got to be some kind
of a, you know, like a sign.
I think that's called karma.
Yes, that's what
it is, honey.
It's like the Muses
want me to
give you a master class
in how to be a rock star.
We're gonna go to Belgium.
We're gonna get onstage.
Johnny's gonna totally
screw things up,
and Gigi's gonna come in
to save the day.
Become a big worldwide star.
Yeah.
Did I say that out loud?
Yeah.
What I meant to say was,
Paris!
Whoo!
- Hey.
- Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
You know how I get
when I get tipsy.
I know.
I know.
You get honest.
I get realistic.
Okay, but, you know,
it's just that,
you know, you've always
been my biggest supporter.
Yes, and I'm still
your biggest supporter,
so let's prove me wrong,
okay?
Let's not self-sabotage.
Let's not cycle ahead
of where we're supposed to be.
I'm not cycling ahead.
- You got to focus, okay?
- I'm focused.
- Focus, baby.
- I'm totally focused.
And then we're gonna
go to Belgium.
We're gonna kill it...
That's what
I'm talking about.
One last time
and then turn the band
over to Gigi.
Honey...
I've waited 20 years
for you to make it–
both of us wondering
why it wasn't happening
and you pointing fingers at
Dulli and Grohl and all these–
Dulli stole my vibe.
Dulli did not
steal your vibe.
Oh, my God.
You're gonna deny that now?
Oh, what are you
talking about?
You've got two pictures
of the man on your wall.
That's photographic evidence
that he–
I–I just–
Dulli did not
steal your vibe, baby.
You hijacked your own vibe
out of bitterness and resentment
because the world
wasn't working
the way you thought
it was going to.
Maybe it wasn't happening
because of Gigi.
She is bringing us everything
that we ever wanted...
I know.
A family and a future.
Yes, but you don't think
I could carve out
a second career in Europe?
If I do this right,
every summer,
we could go over and do,
like, six or seven gigs.
We'd be going to Paris,
London, Italy.
Mm...
Italy?
Venice, Positano–
how cool would that be?
And get paid
while we're over there.
What?
You think you can do this?
I know we can do this.
Okay, then let's do it.
Your voice, my ass.
Let's take Europe by storm.
How do I know
you're not lying?
Why would I lie about this?
Because you're sober.
Well, actually I'm still
a little hung over.
That's completely true.
I mean, watching your dad
onstage, that is a master class.
That guy's got all the tools
it takes to be a big star,
except the most important one:
priorities.
'Cause old Johnny's
always been focused
on the trappings of fame,
you know,
sex and drugs, limos, ladies.
Yeah, I don't care
about any of that.
You know, the only thing
I'm interested is–
is getting known
for, you know,
what I'm good at–
my voice, my songs.
I want to be famous,
you know,
but famous for being good,
you know?
And that's exactly
what's gonna happen, baby.
I'm in this band
because I believe in you.
You and me–we can write
great songs together.
- No, we can't. I can't write.
- Gigi, yes, we can.
- Think about it.
- Okay.
I write most of the riffs
that your dad uses.
Even when he comes up
with his own melody lines,
I'm the one
who makes them rock.
We sit down,
start jamming every day,
we're gonna come up
with something.
I bet you got
a million great ideas
in that gorgeous head
of yours.
You know, I do have
a few good ideas.
That song we played
the other night,
you know, that just came
from my dad and I vocalizing,
and I came up with the whole
"New York, New York" thing.
See?
He's holding you back.
Why are we depending
on Johnny?
Listen, I know you love him.
Hey, I love the guy too.
He's like a brother to me.
But you watch.
He's gonna screw this gig up,
'cause he can't get out
of his own way,
and I am tired of his problems
being our problems.
I'm not in this for
the bullshit rock star stuff.
I ain't in it for the limos.
I'm in it to make music,
great music with you.
Let's cut him loose.
We'll give him
one more chance.
Oh, those eyes could
convince me of anything.
Would you or your
dad like some more coffee?
Would you like
some more coffee, Dad?
I dig it, cool.
Song order's dope.
Where you want my solos?
Every song that has
an asterisk,
and then you do
an extended jam on Animal.
Where is my drum solo?
What?
8,000 people, yo,
I toured with the Pogues.
8,000 people want two things:
beer and drum solos.
Gaga–18,000 people:
buckets of beer,
not one drum solo.
He gets a drum solo;
I want a bass solo.
What is this?
Nobody's getting solos
on anything, okay?
Jesus Christ, guys.
Hey!
Hey!
Show sold out in seven hours.
- Oh!
- Are you kidding me?
- No!
- Seven hours!
- Are you kidding me?
- Wow.
I got you guys
a one-of-a-kind tour bus,
fully rigged out
as a nightclub.
- Whoo!
- Dude!
Okay?
First-class flights, okay?
- Yes.
- Awesome.
Our own floor
in a five-star hotel.
Wow.
Afghan Whigs only got
regular rooms
when they did Brussels.
This is awesome, man.
Okay, couple last-minute things.
The rider–what do you guys
want backstage?
I want the same thing
I got with Gaga:
two room-temperature
FIJI Waters;
seedless grapes, white;
and a little brie.
What the hell, dude?
You getting ready to play
a rock gig or the fucking cello?
Yeah, man, we just
sold out a goddamn arena.
We got to have a rider
that reflects
our newfound
rock star status.
I want four bottles of
Asande Grande Elite Vodka
by Christophe Cheveux.
What is that?
$3,000 a bottle, baby.
That's what that is.
Each bottle is
individually adorned
with diamonds chosen by the
famed French jeweler himself.
Okay, very elegant,
very tasteful.
I'm also gonna need
a Batman bong.
I want 12 filet mignons,
in a box,
like meat doughnuts.
No, it's been done, Bam.
Meat Loaf had that
on his rider.
I think that's how
he got his name.
Everything on our rider
has to blow away
other bands' riders,
so when they hear about it,
it really blows their minds.
I want 27 peaches.
- Why?
- Why not?
Okay, I want a masseuse
that looks like Johnny Depp.
That's a great idea.
Lookalike masseuses
for everybody.
I want one that looks like
Lana Del Rey.
I want Melissa McCarthy–
the actual Melissa McCarthy,
the big one.
Okay, I want these new
pills they have in Belgium
that the FDA
hasn't yet approved:
Achievium, Accelevate,
and something
called Takenderal.
What do they do?
I have no idea.
That's part of the fun.
I also want an iguana.
Why?
Because I can.
If he's getting an iguana,
I want a snake.
No, dude, snakes eat iguanas.
Yeah, circle of life, dude.
Hey, listen, if you're
getting a snake,
you got to get
a 16-foot-long snake at least,
because the backstage rider
record for a backstage snake
is 15 feet that Nikki Sixx
had on his rider.
- That's right.
- This guy is a savant.
You guys, this is ridiculous.
Flash and I talked about this
this morning–
priorities, Dad, okay?
We are being handed
a huge, huge opportunity here.
Instead of focusing
on the music,
all you care about
is the rock star bullshit
side of things.
I mean, really,
you want a snake?
And what do you want,
an iguana?
What's next?
A goddamn owl?
It's stupid.
Do you know what
I want backstage?
I want some lemon tea
with honey. Why?
Because I plan on
singing my best, okay?
Giving the audience what
they paid to come and see–
a great and unforgettable
live show
that leaves them
wanting more.
That's what my father told me
was the most important thing.
She's absolutely right, guys.
Yeah, she is.
I want an owl.
I want the biggest owl
in Belgium backstage, okay?
They have a Belgian Owl
brand of whisky there.
- It's 92 proof.
- Oh, we got to get that.
I want four bottles of that.
That's a great idea.
♪
Yo, babe,
take it easy
with that Belgian Blue.
That's, like,
the strongest weed in Europe.
You guys think
a crown of thorns is too much?
How's everybody doing?
Did you
measure the snake?
- Yeah, it's 16 1/2 feet.
- Oh, cool.
So Sven, the
teleprompter guy,
he wants to know how large
you want your lyrics to be.
He says Neil Young used
the biggest size
when he was here.
Neil Young's, like, 90.
I don't need
a teleprompter, okay?
Dad, you never know.
Honey, I know.
I know.
Listen, guys,
I want to tell
you guys something.
And I don't remember
what exactly–hang on.
- Jesus Christ.
- All right, all right.
No more booze
or bong hits.
We got a two-hour show
to do here.
Re, any of those pills
provide a little pick-me-up,
make your brain focus?
Oh, yeah, I took
one of each of 'em.
Right now, you are coming in
in 3-D, baby.
Okay, wait a minute.
I totally remember
what I was gonna say.
Okay.
I want to say, guys,
you know, we're getting
a second chance here,
and it's not something
that happens to a lot of people,
you know?
The gods of rock and roll
are smiling on us,
and now we have a chance
to be what
we could have been,
what we should have been,
you know,
and what we're gonna be,
which is the greatest
rock and roll band
on the face of the planet.
And I just want to tell
you guys, you know,
it's not just Gigi, you know?
I really consider you guys,
like, my family, you know?
Been having this...
Who ate one of my peaches?
God damn it.
Should have gave me
the drum solo.
- You mother–
- No!
- Hey, hey, hey!
- We were having a nice moment!
Everybody, everybody,
this is it! This is it!
Got all kinds of food
you could have eaten.
- They love drum solos!
- Everybody, come on!
- Calm down!
- We were having a nice moment!
- Asshole.
- This is it!
- Let's go.
- Let's go. Let's go.
And welcome...
The Heathens!
♪
♪ Uh
♪
♪ Let go of my soul
That's why I love this guy.
♪ Let me up
so I can breathe ♪
Born to be a rock star.
♪
♪ Got to find
some kind of cover ♪
♪ From this hold
you have on me ♪
♪
♪ I'm gonna get
right over you ♪
♪ Or I'm gonna die trying
♪
♪ Uh
♪
_
_
Snake!
Snake!
♪
Who let the animals
out of the cages?
- What?
- The animals are downstairs.
- They are?
- Yes. Are you okay?
- No.
- You got to go back out there.
No, I can't go back
out there.
You're fine.
You're fine. You're fine.
No, no, no.
No, I can't do it.
Honey, you–
you got to go out there.
♪
♪
♪ I'm gonna drink
all night ♪
♪ Until you fade away
♪ Yes, I am
♪
♪ You walk and you talk
♪ And my pain
will all be erased ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Everything you ever said
- Whoo!
- Go, driver, go!
Gigi, what a show!
Gigi!
Hey, what's
your problem, Johnny?
Bam Bam, man, with
your stupid goddamn drum solo,
that's what really
threw me off.
They loved the drum solo,
asshole.
Chick in the front row
showed me her tits
at the end of it.
Yeah, while you were onstage
doing your stupid little
invisible snake dance...
That's because the pills
that Rehab gave me
made me hallucinate.
I know.
Okay, no more unapproved pills
or blue weed.
That's what did it.
That's right.
That's what did it.
- That's what did it, yeah.
- I know. It is, baby.
- Yep, yep.
- Bullshit.
We know what it was.
Huh?
Don't go indulging this guy's
goddamn victim complex.
Get real.
I told you
he was out to get me.
It's unbelievable.
Hey, this was the last gig
for The Heathens, okay?
So I hope you enjoyed
your final onstage meltdown.
Heathens' last gig forever.
First gig for The Assassins!
You're gone,
and you are off Team Assassin,
my friend.
You're not taking us
down with you.
What?
We've been making
new plans for the band.
What should have
happened in 1992,
what could have
happened in '94
and '96 or 2003–
would have been
the same result,
Johnny taking us
to the edge of success
and then hitting
the self-destruct button.
Team Assassin can't
afford that anymore.
Hold on.
Gigi,
do you want
your father off...
Team Assassin?
I just got a text
from our promoters.
They want The Assassins back
for another show this fall.
Two shows this fall.
He loved you, Gigi.
All right, they want to know
what color T-shirts we want.
They think they can really move
a lot of Assassins merchandise.
Go high, bro.
Gi, tell him he's gone.
Tell him what
we talked about.
What did you talk about?
Honey?
Dad, you're off
Team Assassin...
because you've just been
promoted to Team Gigi.
You're all on Team Gigi.
Dad stays on.
You guys keep cowriting.
I work closer
with the two of you.
I learn more about the craft
and about songwriting,
and, Dad, I'm taking you
to see a shrink.
No, no, honey, I–I'm not–
I don't have to–
Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.
We need to solve my dad's
psychological problems
so he stops screwing us up.
And you all are coming
into the sessions.
- Oh, oh!
- I'm not going to a shrink.
Excuse me!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
This band is
so freakin' dysfunctional,
it makes Metallica look like
the goddamn Jonas Brothers.
Ira, you can tell the promoter
we'll be taking the gigs.
Gi, let's go
talk about this–
All T-shirts, Ira,
and promotional materials
including the marquee
will read
"Gigi and The Assassins."
Okay, now, the next time
we come back here,
I'm gonna need
a couple things.
- You writing this down?
- Yep.
Four bottles of
Krug Clos d'Ambonnay
champagne
in the black gift boxes,
six dozen white roses,
and a pair of white bone
pearl teardrop earrings
from Chopard.
See, honey,
it really was karma.
Yeah, I guess it was.
Oh, my Twitter feed
is blowing up.
(man)
♪ I don't want to get caught
♪ I don't want to get
involved ♪
♪ I don't want to keep
running to another scene ♪
♪ Had it coming
♪ Had it coming
♪ I had it coming
♪ I had it...
Oh, excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, sorry.
♪
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Katy.
Hi, Katy.
You're not...
who I think you are, are you?
Who do you think I am?
You know.
Yeah, it's me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
- Yeah. Hey.
- Colleen, that's him.
Oh, my God.
I knew it.
Hey.
How are you?
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you?
- I'm such a fan.
We loved you
in Wedding Crashers.
I saw it, like, 100 times
when I was a kid.
You were so funny.
David, this is
Christopher Walken.
I knew it.
What's Owen Wilson like?
Is he nice?
Guys, Christopher Walken's,
like, 70 years old, okay?
Do I look 70 to you?
♪ Sex and drugs
and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right
♪ All right
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die
♪ Anonymous
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
♪ No, no
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Okay. Hey.
- What's up?
Check this out.
We are officially big
in Belgium.
- What?
- Who? Me?
No, no, The Heathens.
The advance sales
on Sex & Drugs
were massive there
back in the day.
So apparently
some hip DJ in Brussels
became a huge fan,
so after the death hoax...
The whole Belgian rock scene
went ape-shit for us
all over again.
You're kidding. Because–what?
'Cause they thought
I was dead, right?
No, because they thought
you died back in '94.
Oh, let's face it.
Creatively, Johnny,
you kind of did.
The fact the band broke up
the day the album came out
made you Belgian cult heroes–
very devoted fans.
So when Johnny OD'd on blow
two years later...
Which I warned you about.
The "I don't want
to die anonymous" verse
of Sex & Drugs
became the fan base's
mission statement.
They didn't want you
to die anonymous.
Who does, right?
I want to say one thing,
about Belgium, all right?
They have been
on the cutting edge
of pharmaceutical drugs
for over 50 years.
You know what else, baby doll?
Waffles.
Pills and waffles–
that's what drives my band.
That's what's up, baby.
Look, they're calling
the news
that Johnny is still alive
"the second coming."
But, you guys, watch this.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
Check this out.
- Oh, my God.
- You guys look great.
- Oh, you guys look young.
- What?
- I know.
- Mm!
Look at my hair!
Look at my hair!
Oh, you have hair.
I'm what happens
when Davie Bowie
meets Joe motherfucking Strummer.
_
_
_
_
_
_
- How crazy is that?
- Really cool.
You know what
the chicks speak
in Belgium, right?
Yeah, Belch.
No, asshole.
Flemish.
Flem–
It's not even a language.
Promoters are saying
they can sell out
the 8,000-seat
Vorst National arena
for what they're calling
The Johnny Rock
Resurrection Tour.
You know what
would be really cool?
Stigmata–you know,
like an open wound
on each hand
when I come out on the stage.
We need
a special effects guy.
That ain't gonna happen.
Maybe you didn't die,
but The Heathens
are dead and gone.
We're The Assassins now.
There's our lead singer.
Thanks, babe.
- "Babe"?
- Aww.
Listen, we can have
our cake and eat it too.
Make Gigi the opening act,
you guys the headliners.
I'm not an opening act.
You guys open up,
do an hour and a half,
bring Gigi in
for two numbers at the end.
Three numbers.
Three.
Who's in?
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
- I am so in.
- I'm in!
- I'm out.
- Aw, come on!
- Flash!
- No.
- Honey.
- "Honey"?
Johnny Rock is over.
This photo shoot's for who?
The Heathens?
No. The Assassins.
Why?
Because we kicked ass
at Glasslands last week,
and the heat came down
on Gigi.
See these outfits
and this gear
and these lenses?
They're all pointed
towards the future.
Not the past.
We're never doing another gig
with you as our lead singer.
They're offering us
175 grand.
Doing one more gig
with you as our lead singer.
All right, let's get
some new shots of Johnny
for the posters.
Let's go.
♪
Don't squint.
- It makes your eyes...
- What?
Make more space on
the side of your eyes.
Look strong, like you're
looking into the wind,
but you're not scared.
Good.
Yeah.
Uh...
We're gonna have to
de-age these.
What?
♪ Oh, going to Europe
♪ And Paris, France
♪ To the Eiffel Tower
♪ And gonna
eat some brie there ♪
♪ Hey, yow
What you writin', baby?
Well, I'm working on
the set list
for Belgium, hon.
- Mm.
- See, Gige,
when you headline,
it's way different
than when you just do,
like, a showcase
with a few songs.
Yeah?
Yep, when you headline,
when, you know,
you're like a star,
you got to take the audience
on a two-hour
roller coaster ride.
Okay, so show me how.
- Yeah?
- Yep.
Okay, so basically,
what you want to do is,
you want to come out;
you want to grab
their attention.
So, boom,
hit 'em with a rocker.
And right when they're
thinking about that, boom,
hit 'em with another one–
boom, boom, two more.
Now you start to work your way
to the mid-tempo stuff.
Maybe throw
another rocker in there
somewhere in the middle.
Then you start working your way
towards the ballads.
You start seducing them.
And once you have them all
sucked in, boom.
Hit 'em with another rocker,
and then get off stage
'cause you always want
to leave them wanting more.
That's the key.
Yeah, and don't puke
on them either.
Honey, that happened one time
when I had that cheap cognac
and the bad blow.
Mm, another no-no.
- I don't get it.
- What?
No, I just–
I thought we were
on the same page
with me, you know?
My career with you
in the background,
and that no matter
what happened,
it was gonna be
the three of us.
It was gonna be
you, me, and Ava,
you know, starting
this new life together.
- Yes. Right.
- That's what we talked about.
No, we did.
We talked about that.
And that–that's totally–
you know, that's the plan.
And that's totally
what we're doing,
but this is bigger
than us, honey.
This–Belgium? I mean,
this comes out of the blue.
This has got to be some kind
of a, you know, like a sign.
I think that's called karma.
Yes, that's what
it is, honey.
It's like the Muses
want me to
give you a master class
in how to be a rock star.
We're gonna go to Belgium.
We're gonna get onstage.
Johnny's gonna totally
screw things up,
and Gigi's gonna come in
to save the day.
Become a big worldwide star.
Yeah.
Did I say that out loud?
Yeah.
What I meant to say was,
Paris!
Whoo!
- Hey.
- Oh, baby, I'm sorry.
You know how I get
when I get tipsy.
I know.
I know.
You get honest.
I get realistic.
Okay, but, you know,
it's just that,
you know, you've always
been my biggest supporter.
Yes, and I'm still
your biggest supporter,
so let's prove me wrong,
okay?
Let's not self-sabotage.
Let's not cycle ahead
of where we're supposed to be.
I'm not cycling ahead.
- You got to focus, okay?
- I'm focused.
- Focus, baby.
- I'm totally focused.
And then we're gonna
go to Belgium.
We're gonna kill it...
That's what
I'm talking about.
One last time
and then turn the band
over to Gigi.
Honey...
I've waited 20 years
for you to make it–
both of us wondering
why it wasn't happening
and you pointing fingers at
Dulli and Grohl and all these–
Dulli stole my vibe.
Dulli did not
steal your vibe.
Oh, my God.
You're gonna deny that now?
Oh, what are you
talking about?
You've got two pictures
of the man on your wall.
That's photographic evidence
that he–
I–I just–
Dulli did not
steal your vibe, baby.
You hijacked your own vibe
out of bitterness and resentment
because the world
wasn't working
the way you thought
it was going to.
Maybe it wasn't happening
because of Gigi.
She is bringing us everything
that we ever wanted...
I know.
A family and a future.
Yes, but you don't think
I could carve out
a second career in Europe?
If I do this right,
every summer,
we could go over and do,
like, six or seven gigs.
We'd be going to Paris,
London, Italy.
Mm...
Italy?
Venice, Positano–
how cool would that be?
And get paid
while we're over there.
What?
You think you can do this?
I know we can do this.
Okay, then let's do it.
Your voice, my ass.
Let's take Europe by storm.
How do I know
you're not lying?
Why would I lie about this?
Because you're sober.
Well, actually I'm still
a little hung over.
That's completely true.
I mean, watching your dad
onstage, that is a master class.
That guy's got all the tools
it takes to be a big star,
except the most important one:
priorities.
'Cause old Johnny's
always been focused
on the trappings of fame,
you know,
sex and drugs, limos, ladies.
Yeah, I don't care
about any of that.
You know, the only thing
I'm interested is–
is getting known
for, you know,
what I'm good at–
my voice, my songs.
I want to be famous,
you know,
but famous for being good,
you know?
And that's exactly
what's gonna happen, baby.
I'm in this band
because I believe in you.
You and me–we can write
great songs together.
- No, we can't. I can't write.
- Gigi, yes, we can.
- Think about it.
- Okay.
I write most of the riffs
that your dad uses.
Even when he comes up
with his own melody lines,
I'm the one
who makes them rock.
We sit down,
start jamming every day,
we're gonna come up
with something.
I bet you got
a million great ideas
in that gorgeous head
of yours.
You know, I do have
a few good ideas.
That song we played
the other night,
you know, that just came
from my dad and I vocalizing,
and I came up with the whole
"New York, New York" thing.
See?
He's holding you back.
Why are we depending
on Johnny?
Listen, I know you love him.
Hey, I love the guy too.
He's like a brother to me.
But you watch.
He's gonna screw this gig up,
'cause he can't get out
of his own way,
and I am tired of his problems
being our problems.
I'm not in this for
the bullshit rock star stuff.
I ain't in it for the limos.
I'm in it to make music,
great music with you.
Let's cut him loose.
We'll give him
one more chance.
Oh, those eyes could
convince me of anything.
Would you or your
dad like some more coffee?
Would you like
some more coffee, Dad?
I dig it, cool.
Song order's dope.
Where you want my solos?
Every song that has
an asterisk,
and then you do
an extended jam on Animal.
Where is my drum solo?
What?
8,000 people, yo,
I toured with the Pogues.
8,000 people want two things:
beer and drum solos.
Gaga–18,000 people:
buckets of beer,
not one drum solo.
He gets a drum solo;
I want a bass solo.
What is this?
Nobody's getting solos
on anything, okay?
Jesus Christ, guys.
Hey!
Hey!
Show sold out in seven hours.
- Oh!
- Are you kidding me?
- No!
- Seven hours!
- Are you kidding me?
- Wow.
I got you guys
a one-of-a-kind tour bus,
fully rigged out
as a nightclub.
- Whoo!
- Dude!
Okay?
First-class flights, okay?
- Yes.
- Awesome.
Our own floor
in a five-star hotel.
Wow.
Afghan Whigs only got
regular rooms
when they did Brussels.
This is awesome, man.
Okay, couple last-minute things.
The rider–what do you guys
want backstage?
I want the same thing
I got with Gaga:
two room-temperature
FIJI Waters;
seedless grapes, white;
and a little brie.
What the hell, dude?
You getting ready to play
a rock gig or the fucking cello?
Yeah, man, we just
sold out a goddamn arena.
We got to have a rider
that reflects
our newfound
rock star status.
I want four bottles of
Asande Grande Elite Vodka
by Christophe Cheveux.
What is that?
$3,000 a bottle, baby.
That's what that is.
Each bottle is
individually adorned
with diamonds chosen by the
famed French jeweler himself.
Okay, very elegant,
very tasteful.
I'm also gonna need
a Batman bong.
I want 12 filet mignons,
in a box,
like meat doughnuts.
No, it's been done, Bam.
Meat Loaf had that
on his rider.
I think that's how
he got his name.
Everything on our rider
has to blow away
other bands' riders,
so when they hear about it,
it really blows their minds.
I want 27 peaches.
- Why?
- Why not?
Okay, I want a masseuse
that looks like Johnny Depp.
That's a great idea.
Lookalike masseuses
for everybody.
I want one that looks like
Lana Del Rey.
I want Melissa McCarthy–
the actual Melissa McCarthy,
the big one.
Okay, I want these new
pills they have in Belgium
that the FDA
hasn't yet approved:
Achievium, Accelevate,
and something
called Takenderal.
What do they do?
I have no idea.
That's part of the fun.
I also want an iguana.
Why?
Because I can.
If he's getting an iguana,
I want a snake.
No, dude, snakes eat iguanas.
Yeah, circle of life, dude.
Hey, listen, if you're
getting a snake,
you got to get
a 16-foot-long snake at least,
because the backstage rider
record for a backstage snake
is 15 feet that Nikki Sixx
had on his rider.
- That's right.
- This guy is a savant.
You guys, this is ridiculous.
Flash and I talked about this
this morning–
priorities, Dad, okay?
We are being handed
a huge, huge opportunity here.
Instead of focusing
on the music,
all you care about
is the rock star bullshit
side of things.
I mean, really,
you want a snake?
And what do you want,
an iguana?
What's next?
A goddamn owl?
It's stupid.
Do you know what
I want backstage?
I want some lemon tea
with honey. Why?
Because I plan on
singing my best, okay?
Giving the audience what
they paid to come and see–
a great and unforgettable
live show
that leaves them
wanting more.
That's what my father told me
was the most important thing.
She's absolutely right, guys.
Yeah, she is.
I want an owl.
I want the biggest owl
in Belgium backstage, okay?
They have a Belgian Owl
brand of whisky there.
- It's 92 proof.
- Oh, we got to get that.
I want four bottles of that.
That's a great idea.
♪
Yo, babe,
take it easy
with that Belgian Blue.
That's, like,
the strongest weed in Europe.
You guys think
a crown of thorns is too much?
How's everybody doing?
Did you
measure the snake?
- Yeah, it's 16 1/2 feet.
- Oh, cool.
So Sven, the
teleprompter guy,
he wants to know how large
you want your lyrics to be.
He says Neil Young used
the biggest size
when he was here.
Neil Young's, like, 90.
I don't need
a teleprompter, okay?
Dad, you never know.
Honey, I know.
I know.
Listen, guys,
I want to tell
you guys something.
And I don't remember
what exactly–hang on.
- Jesus Christ.
- All right, all right.
No more booze
or bong hits.
We got a two-hour show
to do here.
Re, any of those pills
provide a little pick-me-up,
make your brain focus?
Oh, yeah, I took
one of each of 'em.
Right now, you are coming in
in 3-D, baby.
Okay, wait a minute.
I totally remember
what I was gonna say.
Okay.
I want to say, guys,
you know, we're getting
a second chance here,
and it's not something
that happens to a lot of people,
you know?
The gods of rock and roll
are smiling on us,
and now we have a chance
to be what
we could have been,
what we should have been,
you know,
and what we're gonna be,
which is the greatest
rock and roll band
on the face of the planet.
And I just want to tell
you guys, you know,
it's not just Gigi, you know?
I really consider you guys,
like, my family, you know?
Been having this...
Who ate one of my peaches?
God damn it.
Should have gave me
the drum solo.
- You mother–
- No!
- Hey, hey, hey!
- We were having a nice moment!
Everybody, everybody,
this is it! This is it!
Got all kinds of food
you could have eaten.
- They love drum solos!
- Everybody, come on!
- Calm down!
- We were having a nice moment!
- Asshole.
- This is it!
- Let's go.
- Let's go. Let's go.
And welcome...
The Heathens!
♪
♪ Uh
♪
♪ Let go of my soul
That's why I love this guy.
♪ Let me up
so I can breathe ♪
Born to be a rock star.
♪
♪ Got to find
some kind of cover ♪
♪ From this hold
you have on me ♪
♪
♪ I'm gonna get
right over you ♪
♪ Or I'm gonna die trying
♪
♪ Uh
♪
_
_
Snake!
Snake!
♪
Who let the animals
out of the cages?
- What?
- The animals are downstairs.
- They are?
- Yes. Are you okay?
- No.
- You got to go back out there.
No, I can't go back
out there.
You're fine.
You're fine. You're fine.
No, no, no.
No, I can't do it.
Honey, you–
you got to go out there.
♪
♪
♪ I'm gonna drink
all night ♪
♪ Until you fade away
♪ Yes, I am
♪
♪ You walk and you talk
♪ And my pain
will all be erased ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Everything you ever said
- Whoo!
- Go, driver, go!
Gigi, what a show!
Gigi!
Hey, what's
your problem, Johnny?
Bam Bam, man, with
your stupid goddamn drum solo,
that's what really
threw me off.
They loved the drum solo,
asshole.
Chick in the front row
showed me her tits
at the end of it.
Yeah, while you were onstage
doing your stupid little
invisible snake dance...
That's because the pills
that Rehab gave me
made me hallucinate.
I know.
Okay, no more unapproved pills
or blue weed.
That's what did it.
That's right.
That's what did it.
- That's what did it, yeah.
- I know. It is, baby.
- Yep, yep.
- Bullshit.
We know what it was.
Huh?
Don't go indulging this guy's
goddamn victim complex.
Get real.
I told you
he was out to get me.
It's unbelievable.
Hey, this was the last gig
for The Heathens, okay?
So I hope you enjoyed
your final onstage meltdown.
Heathens' last gig forever.
First gig for The Assassins!
You're gone,
and you are off Team Assassin,
my friend.
You're not taking us
down with you.
What?
We've been making
new plans for the band.
What should have
happened in 1992,
what could have
happened in '94
and '96 or 2003–
would have been
the same result,
Johnny taking us
to the edge of success
and then hitting
the self-destruct button.
Team Assassin can't
afford that anymore.
Hold on.
Gigi,
do you want
your father off...
Team Assassin?
I just got a text
from our promoters.
They want The Assassins back
for another show this fall.
Two shows this fall.
He loved you, Gigi.
All right, they want to know
what color T-shirts we want.
They think they can really move
a lot of Assassins merchandise.
Go high, bro.
Gi, tell him he's gone.
Tell him what
we talked about.
What did you talk about?
Honey?
Dad, you're off
Team Assassin...
because you've just been
promoted to Team Gigi.
You're all on Team Gigi.
Dad stays on.
You guys keep cowriting.
I work closer
with the two of you.
I learn more about the craft
and about songwriting,
and, Dad, I'm taking you
to see a shrink.
No, no, honey, I–I'm not–
I don't have to–
Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.
We need to solve my dad's
psychological problems
so he stops screwing us up.
And you all are coming
into the sessions.
- Oh, oh!
- I'm not going to a shrink.
Excuse me!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
This band is
so freakin' dysfunctional,
it makes Metallica look like
the goddamn Jonas Brothers.
Ira, you can tell the promoter
we'll be taking the gigs.
Gi, let's go
talk about this–
All T-shirts, Ira,
and promotional materials
including the marquee
will read
"Gigi and The Assassins."
Okay, now, the next time
we come back here,
I'm gonna need
a couple things.
- You writing this down?
- Yep.
Four bottles of
Krug Clos d'Ambonnay
champagne
in the black gift boxes,
six dozen white roses,
and a pair of white bone
pearl teardrop earrings
from Chopard.
See, honey,
it really was karma.
Yeah, I guess it was.
Oh, my Twitter feed
is blowing up.
(man)
♪ I don't want to get caught
♪ I don't want to get
involved ♪
♪ I don't want to keep
running to another scene ♪
♪ Had it coming
♪ Had it coming
♪ I had it coming
♪ I had it...