Selfie (2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Here's This Guy - full transcript

Eliza: I have more friends
than anyone else I know,

and every single day, more people ask

- to be friends with me.
- [Elevator bell dings]

Seeing that number creep
up does make me feel good.

[Breathes deeply]

But for all my online friends,

in the real world, I only have one.

- Hey!
- Hey.

There you are. Got you something.

Aah!

[Gasps]



What is that?

It's a landline.

Before touchscreens, there was touch-tone.

And before touch-tone,

there were rotary phones, like this one.

Henry and I spend a lot of time together,

and we never have sex.

We are, in the truest
sense of the word, friends.

This phone will teach you to be patient.

Huh.

It is not fast. It does not store numbers.

So you may have to learn some. Or...

Hmm.

You could use one of these.



See, that's what made
our friendship so great.

Henry was always teaching me stuff,

and I was always letting him.

That's why I thought nothing
could come between us.

- [Gasps]
- Hi.

Hi.

- His door's closed.
- I see that.

I'm about to open it.

No, no, no.

Uh, it's intentionally
closed. It's staying closed.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, he's in there with someone

and doesn't want to be disturbed.

Shut up.

I'm serious, Eliza.

He asked me to make
sure no one bothers him.

Who's in there?

I'm not at liberty to...

- Is it Saperstein?
- No.

- Joan?
- No.

Is it Larry, Linda?

No. No.

[Scoffs] Is it Obama?

No.

- Is it Tobey Maguire?
- No.

- Is it Tobey Maguire, you little bitch?!
- No.

No.

- Oh.
- Oh!

Julia, this is my... Contemporary,

Eliza.

Eliza, I present, for
your consideration, Julia,

the gentlewoman I'm courting.

What?

Henry, thank you

for the enjoyable conversation
and the lime-infused water.

No, thank you for making the schlep

and providing the curried chicken salad.

Henry?

Are you low-key dating that tiny woman?

Well, increasingly, things are moving

in that direction, so...

I would have to say yes.

Officially, yes, I am.

Thank you, Charlie.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ Hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ Not to make it all me ♪

♪ Funny thing about me ♪

♪ Is while I'm
looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

What seems to be the problem?

What? No, it's not a... Nothing.

It's just... it's weird
that you didn't tell me

that you officially started dating someone.

We just became official
like six seconds ago.

Yeah, but if I hadn't have asked,

you wouldn't have told me.

- So?
- So?

I tell you every single detail
about my love life with Freddy.

That is a habit I'm desperately
trying to break you of.

Lest we not forget, you were the one

who was giving me grief
about not getting any.

[Scoffs]

I thought you'd be happy for me.

Larry: But, funnily enough, they never are.

Now, I typically don't like
to generalize, but I will say,

with the exception of Phylicia Rashad,

whom I once chatted with on
a layover at O'Hare airport,

all women are highly emotional

and deeply jealous creatures.

Julia doesn't seem to be that...

Uh, doesn't seem to be.

I'm telling you, the two
of us are really simpatico,

more so than anyone else I've ever dated.

We're both well-groomed,
but not overly ornate.

Neither of us feel compelled
to fill every silence

with mindless chatter.

And when we do make conversation,

we always see eye-to-eye.

Holding hands or locking pinkies?

Locking pinkies.

Well, enjoy the
pinky-holding while it lasts

because when Julia catches
wind of how much time

you're spending with Eliza,

she's gonna get all weird and threatened.

- [Cellphone rings]
- Just... oh, hold on.

Hey, there, lover.

No, I'm with Henry.

Yes, I am.

All right, I'll put him on right now.

Henry, say hi to my wife.

- No, no, no.
- Just let her hear your voice!

Hi, Nancy. It's Henry.

No, it's not Larry doing a voice.

- It's really me.
- Good, good.

Eliza: Oh, God, just because
he's dating someone else

does not mean things
between us will change.

No way... I'm just being paranoid.

You're not being paranoid.

You remember Thistle from my book club?

She and I were hard-core bffs.

We canned peaches together,

nostalgia-read Judy Blume books together.

We were even on the same menstrual cycle.

But then she started dating
Balthazar and singing backup

in his Ashkenazi klezmer band,

and just like that,
our friendship was over.

Well, luckily, Henry
doesn't listen to klezmer.

Oh, no. It wasn't the klezmer.

It was Balthazar.

He felt threatened by our friendship.

And thistle knew I didn't like him,

which drove a wedge between us.

If I had just been more supportive of him,

maybe I'd still be friends with her.

Both: We need to talk.

I'm sorry for how I reacted.

I'm sorry I sprung this Julia news on you.

But I've thought about it,

and I want to be super-supportive.

I hope you can be super-supportive

because I really do like Julia.

I get it. I get it. And
I'm dating someone, too.

- Hi, Freddy.
- Hey.

Oh!

Even though he's a tool,
I try to be encouraging.

As I will be

of your tiny, sterile,
micro, pocket lady-boy.

Listen, and as far as
our friendship goes...

Nothing has to change.

I completely agree.

I was gonna say

we should probably make some modifications.

What kind of modifications?

Well, we probably don't need
quite as many work sessions,

since you've been doing so well recently.

Uh, what are you talking about?

Yesterday was Linda's birthday,

and I didn't sign her card
because my nails were wet.

- I'm not doing well. I'm just... I'm not.
- There she is!

There's our number-one sales rep.

My little shooting star!

Me? No, no, no, no.
You've got the wrong girl.

I am consistently late to work.

And sometimes I turn in
receipts for personal expenses.

Well, you know who else
was a bit of a rule-breaker?

Harriet Tubman.

Like you, she had a...
She had a lot of followers.

Yeah, a lot of followers.

How many followers would you say you have?

Um, across all platforms?

- Roughly 300,000, sir.
- Wow.

That's... that's
significantly more than Tubman.

Although, to be fair,

she did have a lot more on her plate

than, uh... You do.

How would you like to
introduce our keynote speaker

at the pharmaceutical conference next week?

Me?

We could use a little star power.

- Oh. [Laughs]
- And I'm not afraid to tell you

Joan sucked the life out of
Pharmaceuti-Con last year.

But this year,

I really want to grab people's attention.

So, what do you say?

Will you get up there and make

Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals proud?

- I'd be honored, sir.
- Great.

And I'm sure with Henry by my side...

I can't lose.

I thought we were gonna eat
lunch together, like always.

I'm sorry. I promised Julia.

Henry, this isn't a good time for Julia.

I have Pharmaceuti-Con coming up,

and I need your help preparing
for the keynote speech.

Eliza, you are introducing
the speech, not giving it.

All you got to say is, "here's this guy."

And if you can remember
his name, all the better.

So...

- You're not gonna help me?
- I just did!

How's my hair?

- Black. Same as always.
- Thank you.

Hey, if you want to eat lunch
in my office, you're welcome to.

What's that supposed to mean?

I think he just means that it's okay

to eat in his office,

even though he's not gonna be in there.

And you don't think that's weird?

I mean, he's on his way to eat
lunch with his new girlfriend,

and he's telling me to eat in his office?

Hello!

Okay, I'm surmising

that you're worried now
that Henry's dating...

Ooh! She whose name shall not be spoken.

Julia...

That he won't want you in his life anymore.

I know I'm probably just being paranoid.

No, you're not being paranoid.

That's pretty much the script, unless...

You do something to flip it.

Well, I tried being, like, supportive.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not talking about being supportive.

Little Miss Muffet needs to recognize.

Now, what you need to do
is the same thing I did

when this lady from my
urban league who does hair

was trying to steal my
best friend, Camilla.

What did you do?

I took the bitch down.

Huh!

Look at this profile pic.

Ugh. That is tasteful and demure.

And these reviews...

"After years of being misdiagnosed,

"Dr. Julia honed in on the true cause

"of my son's neurogenic bladder disorder.

Thanks to Dr. Julia, Truman
is now peeing freely."

Oh, way to go, Truman.

[Chuckling] Okay. Okay. Okay.

But they're not all Trumans.

- I mean, look right here.
- [Gasps]

"Wait time was a little
longer than expected."

"But only because Dr. Julia was performing

emergency urethral reconstructive surgery"?

"Dr. J is a hero."

[Chuckling] Okay, but...

I got nothing.

Since I couldn't find

a visible hole in Julia's character,

I decided to poke one.

Mmm! Tea time!

Don't mind if I don't.

What? You don't want tea?

There's no need to specify
that you don't want something,

particularly if it hasn't been offered.

Duly noted, Earl Grey.

Okay, you're acting weird.

I'm being weird?

I'm not the one who loves urine.

What did you say?

Baby urine. Isn't that
your new lady's fave?

Her fave?

Julia's a pediatric urologist.

Like I said.

Urology is not the study of urine.

It is the study of the
urinary-tract system,

which includes the kidneys,
the adrenal glands, the bladder,

as well as the male reproductive organs.

Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Peen.

She's a pediatric urologist.

Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Baby-Peen.

So sorry.

Okay, you are being incredibly juvenile.

Henry, come on. Come on.

You're still coming over tonight, right,

to help me with the keynote thingy?

Henry?

So, I'll start on the
Risotto if you want to prep

the lamb shanks and mirepoix for braising.

Braise, huh?

What is the E.T.A. on a braise?

Do you have somewhere to be?

Uh, not immediately, but I
may have this one work thing

- to take care of later tonight.
- Fine.

If it's not fine, you can say so.

I can probably blow it off.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry if I sound punishing, Henry.

That's my default cadence.

It's fine. Sincerely, I'm not mad.

Truth told, I had a... Rough day at work.

Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?

Some idiot left a bunch
of negative feedback

- about me online.
- What?

They kept insisting
that I got my "peen-HD"

in "urinology."

Have you ever heard of
something so incredibly ignorant?

Unfortunately, I have.

♪ Sha-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ It's not the way you
smile that touched my heart ♪

I think I was being stood up.

♪ Sha-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

I'd never actually been stood up before,

so I wasn't totally sure.

♪ ... that tears me apart ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Many nights, many nights roll by ♪

I checked all my phones to make sure

they were in working order.

[Telephone ringing]

[Clears throat] They were.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello. I'm talking to myself.

I'm talking to myself.

So I sat by the phone
waiting for Henry to call.

Aah! Aah!

♪ Baby, it's you ♪

But he didn't.

- [Telephone rings]
- Aah!

Henry?

Ah. Ahh.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I do have three minutes

to answer a few short
questions about my water usage.

Abso...

- [Knock on door]
- Uh, I got to go.

Yes!

- [I knew you'd come.
- Hold your mirth.

I'm here for one reason,
and one reason only.

To help me learn to say
"here's this guy"? Huh?

How could you have left

those negative reviews of Julia online?

That is a career you're
messing with, and why?

Because you can't stand anyone
but you soaking up my attention.

You are not the sun, Eliza.

The world does not revolve around you.

You're right.

[Chuckles] I think I'm the sun.

And I hear from your tone that I'm not.

Point bees, until we
figure out who the sun is,

maybe we need to go back to meeting

like one to three times per week.

You do need help.

But you're not gonna get it from me.

I think we're done here.

Wait... done with our conversation,
or done with this friendship?

- [Elevator bell dings]
- Henry, just clarify!

Henry had dumped me.

I was legit friendless

and feeling so-Cal sorry for myself.

#thestruggleisreal.

[Elevator bell dings]

Beep, beep.

Excuse us.

Wow.

You know something?

No one has ever baked me a cake.

This is the closest
I've ever come to someone

baking me a cake...

Standing near a cake that
was baked for someone else.

And now that I've lost the
only real friend I ever had,

I'm guessing my future is
gonna be pretty cake-less.

Pretty cake-less, you guys.

[Sighs]

[Elevator bell dings]

Sorry, can you move?

We need to get this cake to Balthazar

before the fondant starts to sweat.

You baked a cake for Balthazar?

I thought you guys hated Balthazar.

We do. But we miss Thistle.

So we're bringing this as an olive branch.

There's nothing in the world
a moist cake can't cure...

Except alcoholism.

Have a great one. [Chuckles]

[Elevator bell dings]

And that's when I realized...

Since there's nothing in the world,

besides alcoholism, that
a moist cake can't cure,

I thought I'd bake one for Julia

to show that I do respect her profession

and that I now know where the prostate is.

Dernk!

Oh. Looks delicious.

Save me a slice of the bladder.

Will do...

If you will call Julia's
office, pretend to be my mother,

and see if you can get her to squeeze me in

for an appointment this afternoon.

- No.
- But if I make nice with Julia,

maybe she'll let me
stay friends with Henry.

No.

Please?

No.

[Scoffs]

Look, you're already a mom,
and you give good phone.

This will be easy for you.

[Sighs]

Hello, I'd like to make an appointment

for an adult white lady
carrying a prostate cake.

Yes, 3:15's fine.

Does one of you have a
Teen Vogue or something?

I'd even take

a Good Housekeeping at this point.

Moms?

[Sighs]

That one's my favorite.

"The courageous kitty"?

What's so courageous about her?

Did she come out to her parents? Huh?

Hey.

It's about a scared little kitty

who doesn't think she can cross the river

- to get to her first rodeo.
- What?

But she just keeps believing in herself.

And she realizes that she can make it.

And then she does make it.

And she stays on the boat for nine...

This is your favorite book?

Then I realized...

That little girl

with the terrible taste in literature

was there for a reason.

It burns when I oopsy.

Okay, two reasons.

And the second one was to
help me believe in myself.

I don't need to grovel or beg.

I'm the courageous kitty, but hotter.

And I can handle
Pharmaceuti-Con all on my own.

Look at this cake one of my patients madme.

Wow!

A child made that?

Yes, a child with a very thorough

understanding of the urological system.

Yeah.

May I offer you a piece of the urethra?

No.

Irritable bowel?

Oh... Or just irritable?

I'm not irritable.
I-I-I'm fine.

I'm fine.

[Muffled] Mmm! This is good!

Season 3 "Mentalist" finale. Let's do it.

Henry...

One needn't be the mentalist

to see that something is bothering you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

It's just, um...

Do you know that contemporary of mine

I introduced you to?

The jolly ginger giantess. Yes, I remember.

Ooh, she was a skyscraper, she was.

Right.

The thing is, she's
more than a contemporary.

She's more like a friend.

The two of us are pretty close, actually.

And?

And...

Eliza...

She has a big event tonight,
and it is the kind of thing

that I would normally be there for

to offer her support.

But I didn't...

I didn't want it to be an issue between us.

Well, why would it be an issue?

I'm a self-assured woman.

Of course I expect you
to have female friends.

I myself have throngs of male cohorts.

So you don't mind if I...

Throngs?

What... what... What constitutes a throng?

Oh, more than a gaggle, less than a swarm.

Go help your enormous
friend. It's no problemo.

I won't have a cow.

[Chuckles]

"The Mentalist" and I will be here

waiting for you when you get back.

[Sighs]

You are Phylicia Rashad.

I get that a lot.

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you

to Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals'

strides in children's medicine symposium.

Now, here to introduce our keynote speaker,

Ms. Eliza Dooley.

As I stepped onto the stage, it hit me.

I was on my own.

I couldn't believe that my only friend

was missing the most important moment

in the guy I was introducing's life.

There she is. There she is.

Oh.

Thank you.

And now this guy.

[Applause]

[Chuckles]

Oh.

Thank you.

Shine bright like a diamond.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I had killed it,

but no amount of new friend requests

could replace the one person

who had unfriended me in real life.

Henry: Told you you could do it.

[Laughing] Hey. You showed up.

And what happened to me
not needing you anymore?

Are you kidding?

You didn't sign Linda's birthday card

because your nails were wet.

What about the tardiness
and the petty-cash fraud?

Not to mention your tendency
to use emojis in work memos.

[Laughs]

Your rudeness to children.

Hey.

Constant gum-chewing.

And that landline I gave you,

which has been off the
hook for at least 24 hours.

Oh, God.

[Sniffles] I'm sorry.

Come on.

Thank you.

Aah. Aah.

Julia: I heard someone in here

has a burning pee-pee!

You're not a child.

But I acted like one.

[Sighs]

Did Henry send you?

No.

[Clears throat]

I want to apologize for
writing those stupid reviews.

Well... Thank you.

[Chuckles]

And I'm gonna make it up to you
by writing a new one that says

you reconstructed my oopsy and
gave me one of your kidneys.

Please, don't do that.

False reviews of any kind
are a strict breach of...

Even if they come from the
Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia?

Especially if they come from

the Urine-versity of
Southern Bladderfornia.

Ah.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I have some actual patients to see.

Yeah.

Bye.

And that's when I realized...

Julia and I may never be friends,

but at least I was the bigger person.