Selfie (2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Never Block Cookies - full transcript

What did people do at their desks

before Buzzfeed, Candy
Crush, Instant Messaging,

texting, sexting, tweeting,
'gramming, and Snapchat?

I bet they got buttloads
of work done. Suckers.

What did we say about
half-naked Snapchats?

We didn't say anything.

You said, "this is a place of business,"

and then you asked what Snapchat was,

and I had to tell you because, as usual,

you have no idea what anything fun is.

Once again, Freddy is reinforcing
your bad habits and, quite frankly,



- stoking some of his own.
- What?

If you two put a fraction
of your narcissistic energy

into solving the issues
currently plaguing our society,

perhaps rising sea levels, autism, and
the rabidly dwindling bee population

would be things of the past.

Whoa. Somebody needs to get laid.

Sometimes I say things
that are totally true

without even realizing how true they are,

like in 2008 when I accidentally said...

I bet you anything the dumb golden girl

outlives the man golden girl
and the slut golden girl.

No chance. Sluts live forever.

So when I accidentally diagnosed

Henry's sexual frustration,



it shouldn't have surprised
me how right I was.

It's a bed-wetting remedy,

and your primary color is yellow.

Do you really not
understand what the issue is?

The box literally looks like
it's been soaked in urine.

Ew.

Did you pee on my box?

Somebody needs to get laid.

Yes.

I accidentally called that
in 2014 like five seconds ago!

Still, I couldn't help but
feel partially responsible.

After all, I'd been consuming
most of Henry's free time.

All right, Eliza. It's getting late.

Uh, let's try this again.

Your co-worker returns
from maternity leave

anxious to share with you
a photo of her newborn baby

who happens to look like this.

And you reply?

Aw-aw-aw-aw.

That said,
it really doesn't leave him

much time to mack on hoes.

And because Henry's so
deficient in vitamin V,

he's super salty about my
relationship with Freddy.

So, long story short...

We need to get Henry some strange.

- Exactly.
- Oh!

You know, there's a cute girl

that works in the coffee shop downstairs.

Now, she asked about Henry once.

And for no real reason, I blocked it.

Hmm.

I regret that now.

So, you'll help me?

- No.
- Oh.

Oh, see? I don't know what my problem is.

It's like my default setting is to block.

But don't worry. I-I'll help you.

Probably.

While Charmonique and I came up with a plan

to not block Henry and the cute barista,

he rearranged his desk supplies

like a sexually frustrated lunatic.

I don't know why three-hole punch

gets priority seating over here.

It's not like I punch three
holes in things all that often.

You know what? You need to go.

Just pack your paper
holes and get out of here.

Brought you something.

Where did this come from?
I don't even use this.

It's a gift card to the
coffee place downstairs.

Here.

Don't you want to go get a drink? Hmm?

Uh, before 5:00 P.M. or
tomorrow from 7:00 to 3:00,

or next Tuesday when she covers for Romy?

Hmm?

The next Tuesday when she covered for Romy,

Henry finally took the bait.

I'm gonna grab a coffee.

Ca-kaw!
Ca-caw!

Is it going down?

It's going down.

But whether or not Henry would notice
the cute barista who was covering for Romy

- remained to be seen.
- He's next!

Hey, stranger.

Ooh, it is taking every
ounce of self-control I have

not to block this.

It's like I want people to be happy.

But on the other hand, no, I don't.

Here you go, Henry.

Oh, my God. She gave him a cookie.

She gave him a cookie he didn't even order.

I didn't order this cookie.

I know.

I just thought maybe you'd like to try it.

It has nuts.

You can eat around the nuts.

No, thanks. Too much work. I don't want it.

He gave back the cookie.

Now, who gives back a cookie
unless it's oatmeal raisin?

Look, Henry, the cookie
was my way of saying that...

You're gonna screw up your inventory.

Where's Romy?

Wow. He blocked himself.

It's like he doesn't even
realize she's hitting on him.

He has no game.

And if we don't help him,
he's probably gonna die alone.

I really hope I didn't just
accidentally predict that.

Hmm.

So, here's the plan.

We covertly gather intel on Henry,

post him on every single
dating site in existence,

handle the pregame for
him so he can't mess it up,

and then throw a mixer full of women

already predisposed to bang.

Mm, okay, so we're gonna
need his height, weight,

likes, dislikes, birthstone, and any STDs.

And favorite cast member of "FRIENDS."

Ooh! Mine's Chandler.

It's that sarcasm as
a self-defense, though.

Good morning, Charmo...

Nique.

What's this? There's no one
here to say "good morning" to.

How then will people know to have a good...

Good morning, Joanna!

♪ Joanna ♪

There she is!

Oh. Linda.

♪ Linda in red ♪

♪ Is dancing with me ♪

Thank you for your leadership, Linda.

You're welcome, sir.

- Hey, dad!
- Oh, hey, Terrence.

Don't I get a song? I'm
okay with "Terrence in red."

Actually, it's more of a ketchup-y color.

And I wouldn't want people to think

I'm favoring you because
you're my son-in-law.

Oh, right. Good thinking.

- Better safe than sorry.
- And who do we have here?

Who's this?

- Oh, my name's Fatima.
- Fatima.

♪ fatim-a-way, fatim-a-way ♪

♪ Fatim-a-way, fatim-a-way ♪

♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪

♪ Fatima sleeps tonight ♪

I bet you get that all the time, don't you?

I'm sorry.

I'm interviewing for an
administrative position.

♪ Fatim-am-am-away ♪

You're on the wrong floor,
but you can walk down to five.

Just head straight.

I love this job.

Here you go.

So, how's whatever thing
you were whatevering about

in your office the other day?

Oh, I redesigned the package myself.

Went with a cool gray,
which connotes dryness.

Oh, my God, yes, cool gray
connotes the hell out of...

Hey. Do you like hiking?

What?

Do you like to go for hikes?

Why? Do you like hikes?

Let's say I did.

Would you be all, like, "awesome!

"Let's go on a hike. Hiking
is my favorite thing"?

No.

Yeah, hiking sucks.

Can you lick your lips and
look off in the distance?

I want to add a photo
of you to my contacts,

but I don't have one, so
could you unbutton your shirt,

lean against that doorframe,

and just, like, slowly
lick your lips like...

Are you on drugs?

No, but if I were, would
that be a deal-breaker?

Oh, uh, dad?

Can I... sir? Hmm?

Oh, what is it, boy?

Oh, well, it's not that
I'm at all ungrateful

for my position as
alternate office floater.

It's just I was wondering since Fatima
was being given the opportunity to... who?

Uh, Fatim-am-am-away?

Oh. Oh, yeah. I love her.

Right.

Um, I was wondering if maybe I could
also interview for the administrative...

Don't be silly, Terrence.

That job has Fatima's
name written all over it.

And this company counts on
you to float... Alternately.

Sam.

Honey.

Mwah! Mwah!

Mwah! Mwah!

Hi, mom. Hello, Terrence.

I was just, uh, picking Sam up for lunch.

- Do you want to join us?
- Oh, he can't.

He has, uh, a lot of floating to do.

In fact, he was just about to float away.

- Oh, actually...
- Float away, Terrence.

Oh! Uh, copy that, dad.

Uh, bye, mom. Love you.

Now, my love, let's go nourish ourselves.

Actually, Sam, let's not.

I beg your pardon?

I'm afraid I just lost my appetite
watching you be so cruel to Terrence.

He is married to our
daughter. He's family now.

I can't understand why you
dislike him so much. Mm.

I guess I always pictured Maureen

with some strapping blue-collar bloke

who later turned out to
be the prince of zamunda.

Well, I'm sorry.

But until you make things
right with Terrence,

I'll be lunching alone.

Oh, Yazmin.

This is a bad idea.

We have no other choice.

Henry didn't offer up any personal info,

and the only pic I was able to get

looks like this.

Okay.

Darn, it's password protected.

Try "1234henry."

That's not it.

Try "henry69."

I'm sure it's
not... oh, my God, we're in.

Henry.

I got a great idea.

Ladies, what's going on here?

Because it looks to me like you're rifling
through Henry's personal belongings.

Oh. We are.

But...

... We have good reason.

We want to help Henry find a lady.

He is all work and, like, no play, sir.

And we mean no play.

Well, he takes his job seriously.
He's a man after my own heart.

Yes, but at the end of the day,

you go home to your beautiful wife,

whereas Henry goes home
to a salad, usually.

You can't make love to a salad.

What can I do to help?

Oh, find out who his favorite "FRIEND" is.

And if he ever had the clap.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Uh, no, Henry, please, join me.

Thought you had a private bathroom

- in your office.
- Oh, I do. I do.

It's just that sometimes,

I like to make amongst
the masses, you know.

Hmm. I see. Yeah. Yeah.

Although, you can pick up

some rather rare ailments doing just that.

You ever pick up any rare ailments, Henry?

Sir?

You ever contract the she-bola virus?

Come down with a... rotten Richard?

You ever accidentally download
a bad episode of "burn notice"?

No, sir.

No. No, no. Me neither. Yeah.

I don't think it's gonna happen
for me here today, sir. No.

- No, sure. Sure.
- Just gonna shove off.

He's clean.

- Yeah. Sounded that way.
- Yeah.

Good. Yeah.

Henry may have been disease free,

but we were about to make him go viral.

Now, 51% of the mice with
symptoms survive the trial,

which I'm calling a success.

Good morning, Henry. And how are you?

Listening intently, as
we're in the middle of a meeting.

Listen, I was wondering if
you were free on Thursday.

- Free to do what?
- Get a drink with me maybe.

There's something I want to show you.

He's free.

What do you want to show me?

Um, I thought we could just leave from
the office after work and drive together.

- Sound good?
- Yes. Very.

Great. It's gonna be a late night.

So make sure you rest up.

She's been acting so weird lately.

Henry, are you out of
your mind? She wants you.

Okay, don't...

Don't do that. Don't do that!

She doesn't want me.

You may not be good at reading
between the lines, but I am.

"Rest up"? Oh, you are in for it, buddy.

Now, do you want me to go down to the lab

and whip up some stamina sups?

- Sups?
- Supplements! Yes or no?

Larry, you're being ridiculous.

We're like brother and sister.

Or cousins.

Took my cousin to the prom.

And I am not afraid to say

that we did more than slow dance.

Don't... hmm?

Tell people that story. No?

Henry is super, super
excited about tomorrow night.

He is? Well, Larry is,

but I'm hoping it'll trickle down.

Good because I found a great venue.

Ooh!

I think we could each invite, mm, 20 girls?

20? I'm having trouble
finding one who's right.

Listen to this one.

"I love nature."

What's wrong with nature?

Nothing, but the people
who love it smell bad.

And look at this bitch. Ugh.

She looks nice.

In a flowers-in-the-attic
kind of way.

Don't tell me she's not
sleeping with her brother.

Whoa! Okay, hold up.

Now you're the one blocking.

Block... blocking? I'm not blocking.

I just know Henry's tastes,
and sorry, but people who

"Don't like animals"

need not apply.

Henry doesn't even have animals.

If you don't like animals, you're racist.

Mm, disagree.

I really hope we're not
wasting our time on this,

because we served that
cookie up on a platter,

- and he didn't even bite.
- Yeah.

We could probably invite a
million girls with bad dads,

and Henry would still
find a way to screw it up.

Mm-hmm. You're gonna have to coach him up.

Get your Mr. Miyagi on.

Teach him a little wax on, wax that ass.

Pshew!

That night, I stopped by Henry's

to help him get his game on.

What are you doing here?

Henry, let me in. I need to talk to you.

- About what?
- Open your door.

For someone so big on manners,

you seem to have forgotten yours.

- Would you like a beverage?
- Yes, please.

All right.

You know, it's, uh, customary to
call someone before dropping by.

A girl walks into your house,

and that's the first thing you say to her?

No wonder you're just
sitting around being lonely.

I'm not lonely. I have my
good friend Philip roth.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe a little lonely.

And maybe I can help you with that.

Uh, what are you doing?

Women like it when you
find excuses to touch them.

You never do that.

Well, I don't like touching
people for no reason.

Well, I'm not talking about for no reason.

I'm talking about for a
very, very specific reason.

What are we doing here?

I spend tons of time
letting you boss me around,

and now it's your turn.

So, lesson number one, while
I'm casually talking to you,

find some small excuse to touch me.

Great job. Great job.

That was excellent progress.

Hats off to you, sir. So, yeah... oh.

This is yours. I'm really sorry.

And I will be seeing you tomorrow.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Terrence, yes, um...

I had Joan order you some lunch.

Oh!

Well, this will sure make
my cube mates jealous.

Thanks, dad.

I meant for you to eat
it here in my office.

With me.

Seriously?

Seriously.

I'd be honored.

Oh, wow, this looks lovely.

Is that a frizzled leek?

Let's cut the crap, Terrence. I mean...

Look. Look.

What is it you want from me, huh?

Well, sir, I... suppose I want

what everyone else at
work seems entitled to...

Love, respect, and...

My name worked cleverly into a song.

Well, "Terrence" doesn't
work cleanly into songs.

It's cumbersome, un... ungainly.

Oh, what about "Oops, I Terranced again"?

Be reasonable.

Fine.

But I would be remiss, sir, if I
didn't articulate my frustration

with your unwarranted rejection of me.

In fact, it ignites a
burning rage in my soul.

And this is you with a
burning rage in your soul?

Absolutely, sir. This is
the angriest I've ever been.

That's fascinating.

What if I said you weren't
good enough for my daughter

and you never will be.

I would firmly disagree and ask if
there's anything else I can help you with.

Terrence.

Don't you see?

You're not an alternate office floater.

The way verbal abuse passes right through

your pale, clammy skin,
you're customer service.

I am?

- How would you like a promotion?
- I'd love one!

Thank you for choosing Terrence.

Stop shaking my hand.

Oh, sorry. Sit. Eat. Eat!

The big night had finally arrived.

You look great.

Thanks.

- So do you.
- Thanks.

Hey, uh, so, uh, don't forget about

that smolder you showed me last night.

Yeah, about that.

Eliza, I would feel a lot more comfortable

if you were to just come
out and tell me... hey.

What am I doing here?

Um, okay, okay.

You know how you can never tell
if someone's hitting on you,

- like the barista?
- Romy?

No, not Romy.

Filling in for Romy. The cookie lady.

Cookie lady?

Was jeopardizing her inventory

by expressing sexual interest in me.

Yeah. It's called flirting, you idiot.

So, because you have no
game and you're grouchy

because you aren't getting
any, we decided to help you out.

I see.

These women look remarkably
like the both of you.

This is very telling,
and a little sad, frankly.

What are you talking about?

At least half the women
here are downright beautiful.

Clearly, this has nothing to do with me

and everything to do with the two of you.

This is incredibly insulting.

- I was just trying to help you.
- I don't need help.

Just because I'm not sexually promiscuous

doesn't mean that there's
something wrong with me.

And for the record...

I do all right, thank you very much.

A-and let the record also show

that I'm not interested in that cookie.

And... and... and off the record...

Not everybody thinks that
casual sex is a cure-all.

Some of us happen to be
looking for the real thing.

Okay, henry69.

That... that is in reference
to the moon landing,

and you had no right to be in my office!

I couldn't let Henry walk away mad at me.

I needed to apologize.

I also needed his credit
card to pay for the bar tab.

So, you're just going to uber-Jack me?

Oh, that was not my intention. I
sincerely thought this was mine.

You know what? Oh, maybe it is.

Are you saying that in a suggestive manner,

because I've been told I'm really bad

at reading cues from women who
are sexually attracted to me.

I think you're bad at
reading cues in general.

But then again, the same thing
could probably be said for me.

Really?

So, if I were to say something like,

"would you like to go somewhere
quiet for a drink," you'd say?

In terms of relative volume,
we're already somewhere very quiet.

That sounds remarkably
like something I would say.

Probably be impossible

for two people like us to get together.

Probably.

In that case, goodnight, madam.

Oh, and to you, sir.

Henry!

Take the cookie!

I... yeah. I was about to.

Um, on second thought...

Watching Henry speed away in that car...

You're welcome.

Was bittersweet, I had to admit.

- Should I block it?
- Yeah.

I'm-a block it.