Selfie (2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Nugget of Wisdom - full transcript

Eliza: Old habits die hard.

Don't tweet it. Eat it.

- ♪ I love you like peaches ♪
- [Elevator bell dings]

♪ You're as sweet as can be ♪

It is not an "outfit of the day."

- It is just an outfit.
- ♪ I love you like peaches ♪

My followers want to know what I'm wearing.

Perhaps they can redirect their attention

to something more important,

like fracking or Ronan Farrow.

I'm pretty sure my followers
hate both of those things.



Henry was trying to help
me become a better person.

And even though I appreciated his help...

"For your prompt and professional service,

"I offer my sincere thanks.

Kind regards. Eliza Dooley."

I also kind of wanted him to die.

By the time the weekend rolled around,

I just wanted to order a
latte and not say "thanks."

Thanks.

Any big plans this weekend?

Yeah, I'm gonna try to
bump into some celebrities,

maybe hit a gifting suite,
kick it with karrueche,

yacht-hop, pitbull, binge-drink
till I'm white-girl wasted.

Pop by this pop-up party, get my grind on,



swing by in-n-out, kiss a hamburger

- full makeup, no filter, David Guetta.
- W-what? W-why?

Why would you do any of those things?

My friend Brit is only 17 followhores away

from catching up to me.

"Followhores."

So I need to cop a like
spike, score a regram,

and basically, you know,

remind Brit that she's a worthless skank.

- [Elevator bell dings]
- I can say that.

She's my best friend.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Morning. Morning.
- Oh, morning.

Not to diminish the importance
of smiting your friends,

but could I also convince you
to try something more meaningful,

something more constructive,

like, dare I say, to help others?

Help... Others?

- B-but it's the weekend.
- And?

Weekends are supposed to be productive.

Haven't you ever heard the
song "working for the weekend"?

- No.
- No?

It's an extremely catchy
pop anthem about people

who opt to spend the weekend working.

♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪

♪ Everybody needs a second chance ♪

Both: ♪ everybody's
working for the weekend ♪

[Laughter]

That song's not about
working for the weekend.

- [Elevator bell dings]
- Beg your pardon?

I love that song, but it's not
about working for the weekend.

It's about working for the weekend.

That's what I said.

No, it's about working in
anticipation of the weekend.

Oh, I see.

So the sole purpose of working
is to enjoy the weekend.

- That's exactly right.
- Yes! Thank you!

Well, that was certainly
not my interpretation.

As you can imagine,

I will now be removing
that jam from my playlist.

Okay, how about this?

I promise to work for the
weekend if you promise not to.

And just to clarify, 'cause
there has been some confusion...

I will accept Henry's assignment
and do something to help others

if, in return,

he will spend his weekend
doing anything but working.

He needs to let loose and have some fun.

Charmonique: Oh, I intend to.

We're talking weekends,
right? Mine's gonna be huge.

Got my high-school reunion tomorrow night!

- [Gasps]
- And the one that got away

will be in attendance... Mitchell Mcmoney.

Now, I truly believe,
in my heart of hearts,

that the only reason why I
am still single is because

I'm destined to be Mrs. Mcmoney.

[Boyz II Men's "I'll
make love to you" plays]

The year was 1994.

- Yeah, I got a meeting that starts...
- Shh!

Just as we were about
to exit the friend zone

and get our grind on, someone paged me.

- ♪ And I'll hold you tight ♪
- The 411 was a 911,

- meaning I had to outie 5000.
- ♪ Baby, all through the night ♪

The next thing you know,

he was on tour making
oversized blazers for Jodeci,

- and I was at Yale.
- You went to Yale?

This weekend, I'm finally
gonna get my chance

to rekindle things.

- Charmonique?
- Hmm?

I always look good.

I could come over tomorrow
night and help you get ready,

if you think that would be
selfless and thoughtful of me.

You know what? That would be
selfless and thoughtful of you.

- Thanks!
- Yeah!

Your turn.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ Hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ Not to make it all me ♪

♪ Funny thing about me ♪

♪ Is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

- Hey, Henry.
- [Knock on door]

Friday night, huh?

That's correct. About to get turnt!

Myself, as well.

Really? What have you got planned?

Well, I was planning on going home

to not think about work for a little while.

And I thought I'd make
and enjoy a big salad.

Might throw in some chicken
I grilled two nights ago.

Henry.

Maybe a handful of tortilla strips

for added crunch.

- Added crunch.
- You heard.

Henry, that's the most depressing thing

I've ever heard.

Well, you must be blissfully
unaware of the sound

a mother whale makes when
mourning the loss of her pup.

She basically barks across the whole ocean.

Well, I hope Saperstein
doesn't bark across the ocean

when we kill the children's
vitamin line on Monday.

- What?
- Has that been confirmed?

Oh, it's confirmed. It's going bye-bye.

Oh, come on, Henry.

That chewable hasn't been
profitable for years now.

We're actually losing money producing it.

That chewable put our company on the map!

The year was several years ago.

The assignment was to make
kids excited about minerals.

Until then, our kids chewable

had been a blue oval that tasted like dirt.

But I supposed children would prefer

a vibrant orange elephant
that tasted like tangerine.

And, damn it, they did!

Our chewable flew off the shelves,

and kinderkare pharmaceuticals

won the prestigious Brandmar award.

That little orange elephant is a rock star,

and my first big rebrand.

It's a relic, and it can't keep up

with its younger, hipper,
gummier counterparts.

Look, I know it sucks,

but sometimes you got
to cut down the old trees

to let the new ones grow.

Am I right, father time?

Who's father time? I'm father time?

I'm not the one planning my weekend

around a bowl of roughage.

- I said with grilled chicken!
- Oh, wow.

Sir.

Grilled chicken could be fun.

I thought so.

[Elevator bell dings]

Our chewable's history, isn't it?

[Inhales deeply] I don't know...

don't flimflam me, son.
Give it to me straight.

Sir, I'm gonna think of something.

- I'm gonna work through the weekend...
- There's no point.

It's already gone.

Its chalky soul left
the building hours ago.

I can feel it.

And if I know that fruity
rascal like I think I do,

it would want us to carry on.

[Elevator bell dings]

Have a great weekend.

So... Carry on and have a...
Great weekend.

The next night, I showed
up at Charmonique's place.

I would do my good deed, then
get the hell out of dodge.

No, thank you.

Move.

Mom!

Now, he remembers me
with the Mary J. Blige,

but a part of me wants to flip the script

and hit him with some Erykah bad...

- Mm-hmm. I understand that instinct.
- Okay.

But when you completely reinvent your look,

you run the risk of

people not knowing who the hell you are...

I.E. Renèe Zellweger,
who still looks good...

But doesn't look a damn thing
like miss Renèe Zellweger.

Mm-hmm. I see what you mean.

Mm. Exactly.

Whoo! Okay. So, let's try the t-boz.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, I love it.

[Laughs]

Both: ♪ no, I don't want no scrubs ♪

♪ A scrub is a guy that
can't get no love from me ♪

♪ hanging on the passenger
side of his best friend's ride ♪

- ♪ Try... ♪
- Oh, no.

Oh, hell, no.

Please, no, no. This can't be happening.

- What's wrong?
- She's sick.

- My sitter's sick!
- She's sick?!

Yeah, she says she had bad
Mexican food at the mall

and she can't stop vomiting.

Did you tell her she can vomit here?

[Snaps fingers] Oh.

"You... Can... Vomit... Here."

- [Whoosh]
- What did she say?

She says she isn't coming.

My psychic said an unknown force
would keep me from true love.

But I didn't think

it was gonna be a $5
burrito from the food court.

I'm really sorry.

And no one's gonna be able
to come on such short notice.

- Mm. Probably not, no.
- [Sighs]

So that's it.

I'm gonna miss my reunion

and my chance to find true love.

It sure sounds that way.

Yeah.

I can't think of one single solution

in this whole, entire universe

that would allow me to
go to my event tonight.

Can you?

No.

Now, he only eats nuggets,
so just nuggets for dinner,

maybe one or two nuggets before bed,

and, if I'm not home by morning,

a bowl of nuggets with some O.J.

Um, okay, here is my number
if you need to reach me.

Oh, I would like to request that

you keep the door to
my wig colosseum closed

because, if I did not make it clear,

this whole situation is on climate control

and has an estimated value of 60 grand.

$60,000?

Okay, Kevin, I'm leaving.

Get it.

I will, baby.

Mwah!

I'm gonna call you soon, okay?

Oh, and, Eliza, thank you for this.

- Ah, ah!
- [Both laugh]

I owe you one.

Get it!

Henry: I'm not gonna let you die.

I can't.

[Cellphone ringing]

- Hello?
- Thanks a lot, Henry.

That one nice thing you made me do

turned into another nice thing.

- That's wonderful.
- No, it's not wonderful!

Now I'm actually working for the weekend,

which you'd better not be,
because that was our deal.

What do you think...
I'm over here hanging out

with a bottle of vitamins? No.

I promise you... I am full of salad,

and I'm about to get... Turnt.

[Sighs] Well, that makes one of us.

[Groans, sighs]

[Groans]

Want to dress up like Power Rangers?

No.

What's wrong? You don't like kids?

- They're okay.
- Then what?

[Sighing] You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

It's just my friend Brit and I have

this highly competitive relationship.

She a Virgo?

Continue.

We're constantly battling
over who's more famous,

and, duh, it's always me.

But last weekend, brit
almost broke instagram

when she got iced-out grills,

made out with Courtney love,

and stepped up her corn nut game
by posting those picante limons.

Hold up. When did corn
nuts drop picante limons?

I was gonna go so hard
tonight to defend my crown,

but now I'm stuck here with you.

Are you?

I'm pretty sure I am, yeah.

The Internet is all about illusions, girl.

You know that.

[Gasps] I do know that.

Charmonique, you look amazing!

Thanks, Jeanette. You, too.

Did you hear about Joe Miner?

His wife left him, and he got hair plugs.

- [Laughs]
- Okay. That's nice. Listen.

Hey. Hey. Bring it down.

Now, I don't mean no disrespect,

but I did not come here to talk
smack with you thirsty ratchets.

I came here for one
reason and one reason only.

- Mitchell: Charmonique?
- Mitchell.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

- Hi, Mitchell.
- Hi, Mitchell.

Jeanette, Chantaal,
please break the hell out.

♪ And blow out the candlelight ♪

I was afraid I'd never see you again.

I would never let that
happen. You have to know that

I've waited a long time for
this opportunity, Charmonique.

Me, too.

♪ All through the night ♪

When I heard that you were a mother,

well, there were no words
to describe the way I felt.

But when I found out you weren't married

- or even with the father...
- Shh.

Mitchell, no, no. Wait.

Let's not do this here.

Let's get rid of our coats
and find a quiet place to talk.

Wonderful. That's a great idea.

♪ I will do anything ♪ okay.

♪ Girl, you need only ask ♪

♪ I'll make love to you ♪

[British accent] Looks
like you, sir boysenberry,

shall reign until the first of the month.

Whereas your days, lord Key
Lime of Custard, are numbered.

You, there!

You sneaky Greek bastard.

Expired.

You'll hang for your crime!

[Normal voice] I have
to get out of the house.

[Tim Oliver and Sean Allen's "Shine" plays]

[Rapping] ♪ oh, ha ♪

♪ Look ♪

♪ We all got targets,
many they never hit ♪

♪ Few of us bull's-eye,
jordon that higher living♪

♪ Believing that they can
fly, "space jam" the mission ♪

♪ If the limit was the sky,
why am I star-wishing? ♪

♪ Trying to shine in the darkness ♪

- ♪ Be like a cliff climb with no... ♪
- [Knocking on door]

- [Record scratches]
- Po shut us down?

Eliza, you cannot have a child at...

this isn't a wild party.

Nope! But it 'grammed like one, right?

It really did. You two really
appeared to be having a blast.

Oh, we were... Until you got here.

Okay, deejay pre-k.

But it's almost midnight,

and I'm guessing it's
way past your bedtime.

This one goes out to my man.

♪ Together, one,
pa-pa-pa-pa, pa-pa-pa-pa ♪

Oh, I get it.

You think 'cause I'm Korean
I automatically like k-pop.

♪ Pa-pa-pa-pa ♪

[Singing in Korean]

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- [Camera shutter clicks]

Mitchell: I certainly
don't mean to lecture you.

But when you engage in immoral sex,

it's not just an oops upside your head.

It's also an oops upside the head of

our lord and creator, Christ almighty.

Oh, Mitchell, come on.

You were on tour with Jodeci.

Which is why I had to repent...

specifically for providing the leatherwear

in their "Freek'n You" video.

When I think about all the
fornication I fostered...

I can't believe I
flat-ironed my MJB for this.

Excuse me, Mitchell. I
have to check in on my son.

Uh, while you're at it,

could you also check in on the son of God?

He's been waiting to hear from you.

- [Up-tempo music plays]
- [Groans]

Eliza: I've never put
a child to bed before.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Good night, Kevin.

And to you.

I'm going to turn the light off now.

I understand.

You do what you got to do.

Mm-hmm.

[Deep sobbing]

- What was that?
- I'm not sure.

Oh, my God, it sounded like Eddie Murphy.

Is that him? I-is he choking?

I want my mom!

He wants his mom! What are we gonna do?!

His mom's not here! E-e-Eliza!

We got to remain calm and
be of comfort to Kevin.

The lights went out, and he's
like a totally different person.

Bedtime can be really stressful for kids.

Let's try and soothe him, shall we? Yeah.

Kevin, is there something soothing

that your mother does for you at bedtime?

She fills my humidifier...

- Humidif...
- Puts on my air purifier,

turns off my closet light...

- You get the closet!
- Okay.

Turns on my bathroom light,

- finds my stuffed lion...
- Here!

Okay, I got it! I got it!

- Gives him to me...
- Rawr!

Takes away one pillow,
adds one extra blanket...

- Henry: Get the blanket!
- I got the blanket!

Sprays three pumps of lavender mist...

Lavender!

Yeah.

Cracks the window and closes the door.

Henry: You get the door.

All right.

Then she sings "Ease on Down the Road"

from "The Wiz."

I never saw "The Wiz"!

[Deep sobbing]

There, there.

Don't... Make that noise.

Eliza: As I watched Henry pat Kevin's afro,

I realized I wasn't going clubbing tonight.

[Deep sobbing]

Come on, Kevin.

No super-cool deejays
cry for their mommies!

[Sobbing continues]

[Cellphone rings]

Hello.

Eliza, is everything okay?

- Everything's great.
- Uh-oh, I hear Eddie Murphy.

Kevin is just a little anxious.
Maybe about going to bed.

Well, did you give him his bedtime nuggets?

- His what?
- His bedtime nuggets.

I told you... he needs
two or three of those

before he can go to sleep.

His bedtime nuggets, of
course. I completely forgot.

Hey, Kevin, would you
like some bedtime nuggets?

- You know what?
- I would.

Oh! Oh!

Thanks, Charmonique.

Somehow, you called at the exact right time

and knew exactly what to do.

You're the best mom ever.

[Mary J. Blige's "Real Love" plays]

You know what? I am. Hmm.

- Everything good?
- Everything's great.

You know, I don't know if

you were trying to make me
feel bad about my life choices.

But I'm sorry, Father Mcmoney... I don't.

And I'm glad that you found higher love.

♪ We made it through the storm ♪

But I have self-love,
and that's real love.

So now if you'll excuse me,

they're playing my jam.

♪ Won't you be my inspiration? ♪

Eliza: Sometimes, when
the grind window closes,

the door to enlightenment opens.

♪ Real love ♪

♪ I'm searching for a real love ♪

♪ Someone to set my heart free ♪

♪ Real love ♪

- ♪ Oh, oh ♪
- Eliza?

Yes, Kevin?

Did we get a like spike?

We sure did, buddy. We sure did.

You did?

Absolutely not.

I actually lost followers

by posting those pics of Kevin.

Brit crushed me.

What up, doolio?

It's your girl fit Brit.

Check your stats, hon,
'cause I just smoked your ass.

Well, I'm really proud of you.

You did a really good job tonight.

Eliza: Brit may have killed the instagame,

but I had earned Henry's respect

and kept a small child alive.

Damn.

Is there anything in the world kids love

more than chicken nuggets?

Maybe not.

Hey. Maybe not.

Vita-nuggets...

chicken nuggets with
vitamin-infused breading.

It's their dinner and their
daily allowance, all in one!

Look how excited you are.

With vita-nuggets,

we move from the pharmacy
to the frozen-foods aisle.

What happens if they want seconds?

Henry: Which got us thinking.

With vitamins disguising themselves as

gum balls and sour worms and Teddy bears

and even, in theory, chicken nuggets,

how many calls must poison
control receive annually

from parents whose children
have unintentionally overdosed?

The answer is...

An ass-load.

Eliza, the data, please.

[Robotically] "Eliza, the data, please."

Um [Clears throat] an
estimated 50,000 calls a year...

so two ass-loads.

Wow. Two ass-loads.

Sir, there are people in this
room who will tell you that

our vitamin needs to be
cooler, hipper, gummier,

that it needs to pretend
to be something it is not.

Like Jessica Simpson
when she dated John Mayer.

Who did she think she was kidding?

I know, right?

- [Scoffs]
- But I maintain,

for this vitamin to be a success,

all it needs to do is
keep being a vitamin...

with a pleasant but not
delicious orangey taste.

Mm. No one's eating a
bottle of these bad boys.

[Spits]

That's what makes them safe.

That's what we tell parents

because what parent doesn't
want their child to be safe?

So we take down our competitors
by exposing a strength

which is actually a weakness?

Yes.

It's nothing short of brilliant!

- [Applause]
- Oh! How about that?!

Our elephant shall ride again!

Come here, you.

Oh, o-okay.

[Laughing]

I could dip you.

Oh! Actually, sir, it
was Eliza's revelation.

Eliza.

- [Grunts]
- Aah! [Laughs]

That's magnificent work.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

[Both chuckle]

You two really are quite the power couple.

Oh, no, sir. We're just...

Perfect together. You really are.

I mean, can you imagine
how exquisite the offspring?

Oh, I imagine they'd be quite ugly, sir.

Red-headed Koreans...
it's not a good look.

Typically.

Okay, so, what is "everyone
Wang Chung tonight" about?

That I don't know, but I can tell you

that "Sussudio" is the
name of Phil Collins' horse

and that "Yah Mo B There"
is actually an allegory.

Okay. What is "Private Dancer" about?

I think that one's
pretty self-explanatory.

Oh, Henry, can I talk to you for a sec?

- What's up?
- Well...

Well, you know how I did exactly
what you instructed me to do,

and I spent the whole weekend
helping others, including you?

- Yes.
- And you know how you were supposed

to have fun and not work, but you did
the opposite, so you lose and I win?

Okay.

I was thinking that maybe I
should get some kind of reward.

Reward? What did you have in mind?

$60,000.

I accidentally left
Charmonique's wig closet open.

I have bad news for you, Eliza.

I actually had fun this weekend.

- You did not!
- I had a freaking blast.

No! No! You're a liar!

Fine, then just $30,000,

made out to Charmonique!

Henry!