Selfie (2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - A Little Yelp from My Friends - full transcript

My relationship with my
phone is pretty serious.

- I eat...
- [Alarm ringing]

Sleep... And breathe it.

[Blows]

[Dance music plays]

It keeps me level.

But my coworker Henry believes
that being so close to my phone

is what's keeping me from
being close to non-phones,

like people, so I've been
making more of an effort to...

Good morning, Eliza.

Good morning, Henry.



How are you today?

I didn't really care how he was today,

but I had learned to ask anyway.

I'm quite well. Thank you for asking.

I had a, uh, protein-rich breakfast

that I ingested outside, in the garden.

The weather was quite mild.

Watched an episode of
"Bones" on the treadmill.

Then I broke out some new bath products

I've been meaning to try.

Yeah, it was Rosemary...

Henry says maintaining eye contact

makes people think
you're listening to them,

even if what you're really thinking about



is whether or not Jay and
Beyoncé have a pre-nup.

What are your thoughts on that?

Of course they have a pre-nup.

There's a billion dollars on the elevator!

I see.

Well, good job pretending to listen.

And why don't I hold on to your
phone for the staff meeting?

Sure.

Let me just, uh... Mmm!

All yours.

You could've just said no.

Team, take a look around you.

What do you see?

- Windows?
- Todd from accounting.

Bagels?

Dark? Darkness?

Endless night?

I see a family.

A publicly held children's
pharmaceutical family.

The more connected our family is,

the more our business will thrive.

Joan is about to distro an article

that will show us how to
increase coworker connectivity.

Joan?

Sir, I think I've got the wrong article.

This is, uh, an interview
with Channing Tatum.

And I know what you're thinking...

what does "Magic Michael" have to teach me?

The answer, my friend, is everything.

Uh, I-I'm sorry.

He and his wife rate how
close they feel to one another

- on a scale of 1 to 10?
- Let's try it out.

Larry, I want you to cup
Henry's face in your hand...

I don't see anything about cup... hmm.

Look him in the eye

and tell him, on a scale of 1 to 10,

how close you feel to him right now.

I'm feeling a 9.

Wally-kazam!

[Laughter]

Linda, how are you feeling
about Raj from H.R.? Huh?

I'll go with a 5.

I mean, he seems nice,

but he's only been here a few weeks.

"Seems nice."

That's an excellent start, Raj.

I feel an 8 for Joan.

She's very helpful,

and I like that she packs
her own lunch from home,

because I do that, too.

Huzzah!

Raj sees himself in Joan.

Come on. What more could you ask for?

I give Eliza a zero.

[Gasps]

But she probably won't
notice, because, as always,

she's too busy staring at her phone.

[Employees murmuring]

Wait. What'd I miss?

The point, I'm afraid.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ Hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ Not to make it all me ♪

♪ Funny thing about me ♪

♪ Is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

What the hell was that in there?

And what are you doing
eating lunch over a trash can?

I digest better standing up.

That is really antisocial behavior.

Joan just gave you a zero in that
meeting. Are you not concerned?

Yeah!

But Joan is never gonna
like me, so... Pfft.

Maybe 'cause you're always on your phone.

Or maybe it's because I have

perfectly symmetrical
features and hair like Ariel.

Or maybe it's because of what
happened with the gazpacho.

What happened with the gazpacho?

Uh...

I'd just come from an
early-morning soulcycle class

and forgotten to eat breakfast,

so when I got to the office, it hit me...

I was really, really, really,
super-super-duper hunggs.

"Hunggs"?

As in, like, famished.

So I was about to legit pour
myself a bowl of banana peppers

[gasps] When I spotted it.

Mmm.

[Gulping]

Mm!

Don't tell Joan.

I am Joan.

Eliza, Joan is Sam
Saperstein's right-hand woman.

She wields a lot of power at this company.

You should know who she is.

And you should not eat her gazpacho

or any of her carefully labeled foodstuffs.

Okay. Okay.

[Sighs]

Your next assignment is to befriend Joan.

I'm telling you... it'll never work.

Joan is a miraclesuit,

and I am a monokini with
side-boob and hipbone cutouts.

We're complete opposites.

Same could be said of me and Larry.

But... Larry's not a monokini.

No, in this scenario, I am the monokini.

No, you would be

one of those old-timey
long-sleeved bathing costumes.

My differences with Larry

don't prevent me from connecting with him.

Observe.

Larry.

- Hiya, Henry.
- Hey, hey, smells good.

- Yeah, chili and cheese.
- I love it.

- Yeah.
- How's the wife?

Oh, difficult. But I knew
that when I married her.

[Laughter]

The old ball and chain.

Oh, you're telling me.

It is what it is.

Yeah.

- Well, catch you later.
- See you, bud.

Now you try it with Joan.

Ugh!

Okay, fine.

Hey, Joan.

How's the sandwich?

I wouldn't know.

Someone stole my sandwich, took two bites,

and threw it in the trash.

[Scoffs]

Sucks.

Like your husband. Am I right?

The old ball and... Penis.

- But I did what you did.
- No, you did not.

I did not reference Larry's
wife's genitals. I did not.

I took my cues from Larry,

whereas you were completely tone-deaf.

- Oh, well.
- No, not "oh, well."

Try again. Do your research.

If you want to connect with Joan,

find out what her interests are.

[Deep voice] Who she be with!

[Normal voice] Never mind.

I can do this.

After all, cybersleuthing
is kind of my forte.

And if I can find out the
true length of Ceelo's arms,

I can def find out some dirt on Joan.

Charmonique, help.

I spent the whole night
trying to get to know Joan,

but she's an Internet ghost.

I went to MySpace and back and got Jack.

Apparently, she's Facebook-free,

a Twitter-quitter, Insta-invisible.

- [Chuckles]
- I'm telling you, it's like...

It's just like Joan doesn't even exist.

Baby girl, you are looking
in all the wrong places.

Joan doesn't do social media.

But she is all up on Yelp.

Mm-hmm.

In fact, she's a super reviewer.

Oh, my God! This is crazy.

There are thousands of reviews here.

Wow, she really has it in for
the Simi Valley Galleria...

Mm.

"Whose food court is
sorely lacking a Wetzel's."

Those mini dog-bites, though!

Mm-hmm. Ooh!

But look... five stars for miss Mandy's

Friday-night "straight up
now tone me" cardio class.

"I never miss it."

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That old white ladies

need to stop co-opting a sister's skills

in a futile attempt to turn
their Caucasian non-booties

into juicy doubles?

Yes.

But also, it's Friday.

I'm gonna take that class!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my!

I'm s... Larry, I'm so sorry!

You scared me.

Hot tea can't hurt me now.

- Ah. Actually, it can.
- Oh.

But not as much as what Nancy did.

- Nancy?
- The old ball and chain.

She ended it. It's over.

No. What happened?

I'm going to the chiropractor.

Okay.

Unbelievable.

Well, I'm sorry, Nancy, but
what's the correct response

to "I'm going to the chiropractor"?

Should I hire a marching band?

- You really called that one, huh?
- I did?

"It is what it is." I
mean, you were spot-on.

But that's just a phrase.
It doesn't mean anything.

But we're both bachelors now, Juan Pablo.

I don't know who that is.

Should we hit the nudie bars?
The dog track? Head to T.J.?

Oh! Oh, oh! Do you want to
"Wolf of Wall Street" it?

I have a fully stocked lab downstairs.

We could freebase some infant aspirin

and then go kill a drifter!

Let me see how the rest
of my day is looking.

Let me get back to you. I promise...

uh, you have a call at 1:45

that you could probably take
in the car on the way to T.J.

Thanks, Charlie.

Never love, Charlie.

Uh, I won't.

Armed with everything I learned on Yelp,

I hit Joan's dance class
to see if I could increase

my heart rate and my approval rating.

Joan? Holy crap.

Bitch-slap me all over
my whole, entire face.

I cannot believe you go to this class.

I can't believe you go to this class.

Are you kidding?

I love the crap out of

"straight up now tone me" cardio.

That's how I keep it so tight.

I've never seen you here before.

[Chuckles] That is because

I usually go to Mandy's Saturday class... ♪

Uh, hey, Thottie!

[Chuckles]

So glad I made it on time.

I stopped to get gas at the, um,

the West Adams Chevron station.

That's the best one in Los Angeles.

I know... it's right off the
10, 8 cents cheaper than inland,

plus their additives...

I feel the exact same way.

I find the West Adams
location never crowded

and their mini-mart
well-appointed.

Now, I will say that sometimes...

The numbers on pump 7's keypad stick?

- Yes, but if you...
- Ask Rodriguez, the branch manager...

- he will...
- Wipe them down for you,

together: And that should
alleviate the problem!

- [Gasps]
- All right, ladies...

Joan had warmed up during the warm-up,

but now we were heading into
more complicated choreography.

[Paula Abdul's "straight up" plays]

And 5, 6, 7, here we go!

♪ Lost in a dream ♪

♪ I don't know which way to go ♪

♪ Let me say if you are all that you seem ♪

♪ Straight up, now, tell me ♪

♪ Do you really want to love me forever♪
♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Or am I caught
in a hit-and-run♪
♪

♪ Straight up, now, tell me ♪

♪ Is it gonna be you and me together♪
♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Or are you just having fun♪
♪

Sam: Henry.

Thank you for, uh, meeting with me...

In secret.

Yes, sir.

I firmly believe our corporate family

has a responsibility to
look out for one another,

and I'm worried... about Larry.

I am, too, sir. Uh...

and I know how close the two of you are.

I wouldn't characterize us as, uh...

De did give you a 9 on the
Tatum/Dewan-Tatum scale.

Yes, but...

And I'm told the two of you
microwave burritos together.

N-no. One time, I stood near him
while he microwaved a burrito.

One time.

Then you should have no
problem standing by him

during this troubling time.

His wife has left him, Henry.

He's gonna need his
bestie now more than ever.

Uh...

So, what is it that you
would like me to do, sir?

It's more what I don't want you to do.

Don't... Not be there for him.

So... Be there for him.

And if he has nowhere to go...

Don't not let him stay with you.

So let him stay with me?

[Snaps fingers]

That's a great idea.

[Chuckles]

Very generous.

Oh, thank you.

Man, you smell good.

Eliza: Joan! Joan!

Wait.

You tore it up in there!

Your footwork during the
breakdown was on point.

Thanks.

You... Showed a lot of spirit.

Thank you.

You know, I think Channing Tatum

would be proud of us right now.

Oh. R-right.

Listen, Joan, I know on several occasions,

I've accidentally eaten your belongings.

Those weren't accidents.
I label all my food.

It was blatant disregard.

Exactly.

So let me make it up to
you by buying you dinner.

Joan was on the fence, but
I won her over with a...

Please? Please?
A-please-please?

["Straight up" notes play]

Gracias, Juan Pablo.

Larry, I really wish
you'd stop calling me that.

H-hey, it's not
jammie-time already, is it?

I don't remember ordering
the early-bird special.

[Chuckling] Larry...

look, look. I'm wearing my party shirt.

Let's hit the bars, have some drinks...

Find some sisters.

I'll take the ugly one.

Really appreciate the offer,
but I've had a long day.

I need to get some rest. So do you.

Good night, okay?

Ooh. I almost forgot.

Don't use the toilet in the guest bath...

[sobbing] She doesn't know...

How much... I need her.

[Sobs]

I know.

But you did hear me say

not to use the toilet in
the guest bathroom, right?

Look, Larry, I'm a very solitary person,

and you... Clearly, are not.

Are you sure you don't
want to try to make a run

at getting Nancy back?

Maybe if you made some
big, romantic gesture...

You mean like a flash mob?

That's not where my mind went, no.

Most women consider the flash mob

to be the most romantic
gesture a man can make...

second only to a surprise
proposal on a jumbotron.

Well, it sounds like
you've done your research.

And I'm glad you're being proactive.

Yeah.

Well, let's get some rest.

Good night.

I don't know if we can sleep.

We have so much planning to do.

Do you happen to own a tear-away suit?

You know what?

Don't bother yourself. I'll look.

Larry, I have a seasonal
system with my wardrobe.

[Cellphone rings] The linens
and the tweeds cannot be mixed...

hello?

Henry, guess where I am right now.

Eliza, this is not a good time.

Just guess! Guess!

I'm not in the mood to play games.

But I'm about to make some serious progress

on the assignment you gave me.

I'm outside Joan's house.
She's inside with her husband.

Did they see you? Just
drive away. Drive away!

No, Henry. She invited me.

The research worked. I think she likes me.

I just picked up pizza
for the three of us to eat.

Oh, my God! It's a pizza party!
We're having a pizza party.

J. Pabs, do you have any scissors?

- [Fabric rips]
- Ahh!

[Chuckling] Never mind.

I have to hang up now.

Oh, goody. Is that the pizza?

White pizza from Geppetto's...
that's our favorite.

Geppetto's is the only white pizza
in Los Angeles that travels well.

Sunset magazine voted it "worth the trip."

I tend to agree.

[Laughter]

Wait! No! Scott! Don't
eat that! It has oregano!

Joan?

Scott's allergic to oregano, isn't he?

He certainly is.

Scott?

How did you know that?

Well, I thought... I
thought I-I remembered...

she's saying "Scott's allergic to oregano."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

What's directly across the street

from the West Adams Chevron station?

U-um... Answer!

7-Eleven.

Wrong. It's been an empty lot for years.

[Sighing] Oh, dear God.

She's been Yelp-stalking me.

That's how she found about
Mandy's class and Geppetto's.

I don't think that I can even finish this.

I can.

That pizza is topped with lies.

But not oregano.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was just
trying to get to know you.

[Groans]

For what it's worth, I feel really bad.

[Voice breaking] I feel worse
than the night Aaliyah died.

Aaliyah died?

Morning, Charmonique.

Why are you wearing a breakaway suit?

What?

I can tell you're wearing a breakaway suit.

I'm asking why.

Can you keep a secret?

Please don't tell me you're
doing a flash mob with Larry.

How did you know that?

Do you have any idea

how many flash mobs
Larry is responsible for?

What?

Half of the flash mobs on the
Internet are Larry-related.

And it better not be for
Nancy, because she hates them.

See?

Oh, God.

Look. This one's from their anniversary.

This one's on her birthday.

Ohhh.

And this one... he catches Nancy off guard,

she slips, throws her back out.

Larry thinks a flash mob
is gonna get his wife back.

Nope.

This is just another indication

that he doesn't listen to Nancy
or care about what she wants.

I'm gonna be stuck with him forever.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my... God.

[Panting]

I feel sick.

[Panting]

Charlie!

Find Larry. The flash mob is off.

But... but what?

I'll never get to do this.

[Snaps fingers]

Clean all this up.

First find Larry, then clean all this up.

Okay.

I blew it.

It was going so well, and
then I messed it all up.

Wait... w-w-what are
you talking about?

Joan.

I told you it wouldn't work.

Well, you said it yourself...

she's a miraclesuit and you are a monokini.

But the women in this
office love miraclesuits.

And they don't love me because
I'm a synthetic monokini

made in a factory by a sweatshop baby.

No offense to your family.

My family owns a buca di
beppo, but... Still offended.

The... the truth of the matter is...

I'm no better at office
friendships than you are.

You? The great Henry the great?

[Chuckles]

Listen, I made it seem like
I was friends with Larry,

when the truth is, I can't
spend 24 hours with that guy.

And what he did to that drifter was wrong.

What did he do to the drifter?

And the only reason that I agreed

to wear three breakaway
suits to the office today...

Is that I thought it would
help me get rid of Larry,

who I have learned

is the most annoying
person on planet earth.

Hi, Larry.

God.

Really?

You know something, Henry?

I feel a zero for you right now.

A zero.

Hey.

You got the same as me.

[Chuckles]

Henry: Look, Larry, I-I'm
sorry I lost my cool.

I guess I'm overtired from not sleeping,

cutting all my suits in half,

trying to learn dance choreography,

and plunging my guest bathroom,

which I specifically asked you not to use.

But please believe me when I tell you...

the flash mob is a bad idea.

If you want to get your wife back,

it doesn't require a '90s dance track.

A smaller gesture would mean more.

Uh, Henry would like to
see you in his office.

Mm-hmm.

Since it seems you're still determined

to eat lunch over a trash can,

I had Charlie buy you that.

I kept the receipt. They had other designs.

It's cute.

Go ahead. Try it out.

[Chuckles]

It works. I like it.

Good job, Charlie.

Thanks.

[Groans]

Is this your way of trying
to get me to eat with you?

Not with me... near me.

I know how important
it is for your digestion

to eat standing up.

Actually... That's just an excuse I use

because growing up, no one ever
wanted to sit with me at lunch.

Now I'm just kind of used to it.

Well, in that case...

Is this seat taken?

♪ Well, I had a dream... ♪

When a friendship is real, you can feel it.

And no disrespect to Channing Tatum,

but it probably doesn't need to be rated

on a scale of 1 to 10.

Although if I were going to... 6.

4.7.

Which rounds up to a 5.

Maybe we didn't suck at
office friendships after all.

So, where do you want to eat dinner?

Your call.

Hmm.

♪ Please don't go ♪

♪ Please don't go ♪

♪ Please don't go ♪

♪ Please don't go ♪

♪ Babe, I love you so ♪

Raj, I canceled!

[High-pitched] I-I swear, I canceled.

♪ That I'm gonna miss your love ♪