Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 4 - The Blood - full transcript

Jerry's parents hire their friend Izzy Mandelbaum to become Jerry's personal trainer while George decides to associate food and television with his love life.

- You sure you can't stay longer?
- No, we just came up for the funeral.

Poor Marvin Kessler.
He went too early.

He was 96 years old.

That had nothing to do with it.
The man was out of shape.

That's why we joined a program.

We walk once around the block
three times a week.

And every morning I eat a plum.

Well, whatever you're doing,
you're wearing me out.

What about you?

Yeah, looks like you're getting
a little spare tire there, tiger.

- Really?
- Hey, Seinfelds.

- Hey, Mr. Kramer.
- How long you staying?

We just came to town for funeral.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard.
Yeah, Marvin Kessler.

Boy, that makes you think.

If he could go.

See you downstairs at the car.

Sure you don't need a hand?

No, no.
The luggage is on the program.

I got a brick in here.

- Did you give blood?
- No, no, not giving. Hoarding.

I'm storing it at the blood bank,
just in case.

In case of what?

Jerry, I know myself.

If I'm out on the street
and it starts to go down...

I don't back off until it's finished.

- Are we finished?
- Done.

- Elaine, I'm so glad you came out.
- Yeah.

- You haven't seen Jimmy for years.
- I know.

Well, I'm glad I got to see him
before he hit puberty and got...

you know, all lurchy and awkward.

Actually, I'm gonna need someone
to look after him tomorrow evening.

- Tomorrow evening? Sure.
- Do you know anyone responsible?

Do I know anyone?

If you think of anybody,
give me a call.

What are you doing?

Oh, incense. For the mood.

Oh, yes, by all means. The mood.

Let me know if there's anything
I can do to lend support for the mood.

- Cream soda?
- Vanilla.

Can you believe that?

Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible.

Who wants to be responsible?
Whenever anything goes wrong...

the first thing they ask is,
"Who's responsible for this?"

I couldn't raise a kid?

Come on,
I love bossing people around.

- I thought you're with Tara tonight.
- I was. I had to leave.

She lit this vanilla incense.
The smell drove me nuts.

All I could think about was food.
I had to get out.

Gonna need some pudding here.

You just left? What did you tell her?

Told her I had a bus transfer
that was only good for another hour.

- What?
- I don't know. I was starving, Jerry.

Oh, pudding.

You want some?

Hey, you guys think
I'm getting a little chunky?

What? Are you kidding?
We look great.

You know what this pudding needs?

The skin on the top, like when your
mother used to make it on the stove.

What do you think?

I think you're getting a little pudding
under the skin yourself.

My service rates went up?

You banks are all the same...

with your hidden fees
and your service charges.

Maybe I'll just take my blood
elsewhere, yeah.

We could transfer it
to another bank for you.

Oh, no, no. No more banks.
I'm keeping my blood in my freezer...

with my money!

So, what do you say?

I guess we could use some food
in our lovemaking.

Okay, we got your...
Got your strawberries.

Your chocolate sauce.

Your pastrami on rye with mustard.

- Your honey...
- Wait.

Pastrami on rye with mustard?

Don't you remember they...?

They used pastrami in that movie,
9 1/2 Weeks.

- Remember the pastrami scene?
- No.

Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters.

Whatever it was, it worked.

- Didn't go for it, huh?
- No.

So she didn't appreciate the erotic
qualities of the salted-cured meats.

She tolerated the strawberries
and the chocolate sauce...

but it's not a meal, you know?

Food and sex.
Those are my two passions.

It's only natural to combine them.


Sex is about love between a man and
a woman, not a man and a sandwich.

Jerry, I'm not suggesting
getting rid of the girl.

She's integral.

Maybe instead of trying
to satisfy two of your needs...

how about satisfying one
of somebody else's?

Speaking of which,
I found a way to separate the skin...

from the top of the pudding
without leaving any on the edges.

X-Acto knife.

I told you, George, no more pudding.
I'm starting a purification program.

Keep all that kind of food
away from me.

Well, then I guess these would be
out of the question.

What the hell is that?

Pudding skin singles.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, I'm borrowing
all your Tupperware.

- Why?
- Closed my account at the blood bank.

What? It's here? It's in the building?

Right across the hall.

- What, you wanna go see it?
- No, I don't.

In fact, if even one corpuscle
of that blood...

should find its way across that hall,
I will freak out on you, Kramer.

Freak out.

You know, for a fat guy,
you're not very jolly.

Hey. Working out?

You know it.
And I ditched all my junk food.

What the heck is going on here?

Sorry, buddy, cleaned house.
All health food.

Well, I may have to take it,
but I don't have to like it.

Vivian left me a message.

I guess a certain someone...

changed her mind whether
someone was responsible enough...

to watch a certain other someone.

- Is this about me?
- No.

Then I've lost interest.

Vivian. Hi, it's Elaine.

Yeah, I'm over at Jerry's.
I got your message.


Yeah, he's right here. Hold on.

For me? Go.

Yeah. What...? Yeah. Tonight?

Yeah, I'll be there.

Yeah, later.

Well, somebody's babysitting.

You? I'm more responsible
than you are.

Don't be ridiculous.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
fill my freezer with my own blood.

Oh, Tara.

Hello, Vivian?

Boy, this is a nice screen.

- Kramer.
- Don't take my money.

It is me, you idiot.

Hi. You gotta get out of here. I'm
gonna babysit the hell out of that kid.

Wait a minute, I'm the babysitter.

No, no. You're out. I'm in.
Now, hit the road.


What are you doing here?

Kramer is actually sleeping one off,
so I thought that I would help out.

What is...? You got some raccoons
or something.

Well, I guess this will be all right.

Jimmy, you remember Elaine.

She's gonna watch you tonight.

Hi, Jimmy.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I thought you were supposed
to be babysitting.

There was an incident.

Oh, no. Where's the blood?

- It's in here, isn't it?
- Will you stop it?

What is this?

It's Jell-O.

What about this?
This is blood, isn't it?

This is tomato juice. Look.

Oh, you're sick. You're sick.

Will you calm down.
I took all my blood down to Newman's.

He let me put it in his meat freezer.

Hey, what's going on?
Who made pudding?

Oh, yeah. George, he came by.

He made more of those pudding skin
singles. They're delicious.

Damn that, George.

I told him I didn't want this stuff
around anymore.

Heads up.

You're dead, President Lincoln.

You're dead.

I wish I was dead.

Can I have your juice?

As long as you don't...

Thanks for the refill.

Hey, Elaine. How did it go?

Oh, he's a... He's a joy.

Really? Some sitters have told me
he's a bit of a handful.

Oh, handful of sunshine.

I wish I could do this every day.

Elaine, that's so good to hear.

I've been having
a few health problems lately.

- It's not serious, is it?
- Well, it might be.

Well, just in case
anything does happen...

it's nice to know there's
somebody like you around.

Oh, yeah. That...

That is nice to know.

Hey, Jerry, it's okay. I'm right here.

I can see that. What happened?

Well, that...
That knife it... nicked your jugular.

You know, Jerry,
when somebody yells, "Heads up"...

you're not supposed to
actually look up.

I'll remember that.

Anyway, you're lucky I was there.
You lost a lot of blood.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

You got three pints
of Kramer in you, buddy.

Three pints of Kramer's blood?

I can feel his blood inside of me.

Borrowing things from my blood.

Well, so much for purification week.

So how's the fornicating gourmet?

Doing quite well, thank you.

Yesterday I had a soft-boiled egg
and a quickie.

You know what?

If I could add TV to the equation,
that would really be the ultimate.

George, we're trying
to have a civilization here.

- Hey.
- Hey, how was babysitting?

Oh, just great.

I found out that Vivian's got
some sort of a medical problem...

and if the worst happens,
she wants me to take care of Jimmy.

- Well, I'm sure it won't be the worst.
- It doesn't matter.

I mean, if anything happens to her,
I'm on deck.

Scissor mishap, air show disaster,
Chinese organ thieves.

- It's a dangerous world.
- She's right.

I heard Kramer got mugged out
in the suburbs on a babysitting gig.


Look at this.

Look at the hair
on the back of my neck.

It's all brambly. See?

It's like a thicket back there.

Look, I need somebody
to shave it for me.

I'm not touching that thing.

Well, I have to say
I'm very surprised.

And disappointed, blood brother.

Oh, no.

What? Jerry, I gave you my blood.

Listen to your pulse.

Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.

- Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck.
- Oh, so my blood's not enough?

Would you like a kidney too?
Because I'll give it to you.

I'll rip it out right here
and smack it on the table.

All right, all right. I'll do it. Sit down.

No, no. I don't have time right now.

I'll catch you tonight. We'll do sort of
an all over kind of thing, all right?


Kramer called.
He told us you were in the hospital.

Kramer called you?

He calls every week.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine.

- He says he's fine.
- Tell him to eat a plum.

Jerry, you really have to take
better care of yourself.

We bought you some sessions
with a personal trainer.

I don't need a personal trainer.

All right, I gotta go.
We'll talk about this later.


Why are you calling my parents?

Well, maybe if you called more often,
I wouldn't have to.

- Is it all right if I watch a tape in here?
- Why here?

I'm taping Canadian parliament,
you know, on C-SPAN.


Is it all right if I watch in your
bedroom? Because your bed is nice.



No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, I do not want that in here.


All right.

Hello, doughboy.

Mr. Mandelbaum,
you're the personal trainer?

I'm here to whip you into shape.

So grab your jock if you need one.

It's go time.

Elaine? Elaine?

Oh, hey. Oh, God.

I didn't hear you come in.

Where's Jimmy?

I don't know. I don't know.
We had Ho Hos for dinner and then...

And then he put this plastic bag
over his head...

and started running around
until he got tired...

and he laid down somewhere.

I tell you,
I'm no good at watching that kid.

Sleeping like an angel.

Elaine, you're the best.

No. I'm a scatter-brain.

It's probably why I can't hold a job
or keep a man.

You're a riot.

- You gonna watch Jimmy tomorrow?
- All right.

But I'm running out of purses here.

Okay, Mr. Mandelbaum,
what do you want me to do?

Drop your purse, honey...

and pick up that medicine ball.

Is this a gym
or some kind of fitness museum?

Not funny. Over your head with it.

- Are you ready?
- For what?

All aboard the pain train.

How many sessions
did my parents pay for?

Not enough to make
a man of you, daffodil.

Spicy mustard.

You are hot tonight.

Oh, George.

Now for the trifecta.



What are you doing?

Pleasuring you.

- What is this?
- We're making sausages.

I thought you were gonna watch
a video.

Well, yeah. An instructional video
on how to make your own sausages.

- Kramer, I'm not in the mood for this.
- All right.

Newman, let's go grab
some mail sacks...

and haul these beauties out of here.

Blood over there, sausage over here.
I'm living in a slaughterhouse.

Tonight I want you to sleep on this.

Toughens the vertebrae.

What in holy hell.


- Is this your diet?
- No, they're not mine...

Don't lie to me, butterbean.

We're taking it up a notch.

So the free love buffet is over?

I got greedy.

I flew too close to the sun
on wings of pastrami.

Yeah, that's what you did.

I can't believe I got another session
with Izzy Mandelbaum.

He's probably gonna make me
box a kangaroo.

What's going on?

I don't know.

This sandwich is making me flush.

Oh, no. I'll tell you
what you did, Caligula.

You've combined food and sex into
one disgusting, uncontrollable urge.

I think you're right.

Are you gonna eat that?

No, but please tell me that's all
you're gonna do with it.

Jerry, I tell you, if this woman dies...

it is gonna
be a major inconvenience.

These fries are really, really good.

All right, that's enough of that.

I mean, I can't shake this woman.

You know, now I gotta go
to Jimmy's birthday party.


I mean, no matter what I do,
I cannot weasel out of raising this kid.

Sleepy here's quite a weasel.
Maybe he can bat for you.

Yeah. That's what I need.
A pinch weasel.

- Why did you get rid of that sausage?
- It wasn't me. It was Mr. Mandelbaum.

Well, Newman's not happy.
He booted me out of his freezer.

I gotta take my blood
back to the bank.

- Can I borrow your car?
- What's wrong with yours?

Well, I got no a.c. and I gotta
keep the blood cold or it'll go bad.

All right, but this is the last favor.
Okay? We're even.

All right. Even-Steven, okay?

Oh, by the way, when you get back
to your apartment...

keep it down because
Newman's taking a nap in your bed.

Oh, man.

What is that?

"If the engine begins to overheat
turn off air conditioner."

Never. I can't do that.

Oh, Mama.

This thing is bone dry.


- Elaine.
- Hi.

This is my friend, George.

- I'm gonna go say hi to Jimmy.
- Okay.

You're up.

- Isn't Elaine fantastic?
- Yes, she is.

It's... It's a pity we won't be seeing
much more of her.

- Really? Why?
- You haven't heard?

No, she's going to live with her
grandparents in Pennsylvania.

Her grandparents passed away
five years ago.

Yes, they did.

I was covering.

Elaine has been deported
back to Scotland.

She's an American citizen.
I've seen her passport.

All right, no more lies.

Elaine has been chosen to represent
the Upper West Side...

in the next Biosphere project.

I haven't heard anything
about another Biosphere.

That's because it's underwater.

This is insane.

- Is it?
- Yes, it is.

Well, it's all for charity,
so, what's the difference?

You are very knowledgeable.

I'm... I'm also an architect.

- Is that pastrami?
- Yes, it is.

I find the pastrami to be the most
sensual of all the salted-cured meats.

- Hungry?
- Very.



Is this really necessary?

If you wanna live
in a butcher shop...

I'm gonna treat you
like a piece of meat.

What if I can't keep up?

You lag, you drag.

- Fire it up, son.
- Right, Dad.

- Mandelbaum. Mandelbaum.
- Mandelbaum. Mandelbaum.

Move it. Move it. Move it.

Get those knees up.

Come on. Kick it. Kick it.

What's going on?

There's something wrong
with your car.

It's dripping something on my feet.

Yeah. Some kind of red liquid.

Oh, my God. The blood.


Get up, boy. Get up.

We got a problem here.

Tough it out. This is for real.

You gotta want it.

So how far did they drag you?

Well, for the first quarter-mile
they thought I was just dogging it.

Hi, George.

Hi, Jimmy.

Yeah, Jimmy,
why don't you go wait outside.

You know, play with something.

- What's the kid doing here?
- I'm babysitting.

Vivian asked me to raise him
if she doesn't make it.

Oh, that's a drag.

That kid.

You put blood in the car?

Jerry, it was overheating.

You should take
better care of that thing.

Well, they told me I got more blood,
so I guess I owe you again.

- You didn't get the blood from me.
- Then who?

Hello, Jerry.