Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 5 - The Junk Mail - full transcript

Kramer is annoyed with the catalogs he keeps getting in the mail. Elaine falls in love with a guy because of his smile. George's parents are avoiding him. Jerry can't find it in his heart to reject a gift from an old school friend.

Yeah, yeah. All right.

- Chinese food.
- There's my Chinese food.

I gotta run.

All you.

- Who was it?
- I did a show for a car dealership.

- They're getting me a new Saab.
- What about your old car?

- Couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it?
- No. The engine clotted.

You know who set
this whole thing up? Frank Merman.

Fragile Frankie Merman?

- Never liked that guy.
- Why? He's harmless.

Every summer, you guys
went to camp together.

I was jealous. It felt like
he was the summer me.

- He was not the summer you.
- Yeah.

Besides, you had a summer me.

Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you
into Last Tango in Paris.

I made him up.

So you never saw
Last Tango in Paris?

- No.
- Too bad, it was erotic.

Well, I've had it
with these jack-booted thugs.

Pottery Barn?

I got three Pottery Barn catalogues
in one day.

That makes eight this month.

Mira Sorvino.
Think she'd go out with me?

Why don't you just throw them out?

No. I've been saving them up
here in your apartment.

And now, it's payback time.

Pottery Barn is in for a world of hurt.

Can I have one?

I need one of those
old-looking phones.

So you wanna grab a bite?

I can't. I gotta make
the weekly call to the folks.

- So call now.
- Gotta prep.

I need a couple of anecdotes,
a few you-were-right-abouts.

It's a whole procedure.

Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one
that used to run to the woods...

- every time he got upset?
- That's him.

- He still nuts?
- What do you think?

They gave me a new car
for 30 minutes of:

"So who's from out of town?"

Seriously, is this the best okra
you've ever had or what?

- Delish.
- Delish?

Delish. You know,
short for delicious.

Oh, like scrump.


I'm gonna be late. I'll see you later.

Excuse me.
Can I borrow your ketchup?

Oh, sure.


- Hello?
- Hey, it's Georgie.

- Let me put your father on the phone.
- Ma.

Who's this?

Dad, it's me.

Listen, I was at Fortunoff's
the other day and you know what...

you were right.

Chinese food.

Sorry, George, our Chinese food
just came. Talk to you later.

Chinese food?

Hey, you like sending out catalogues?
How do you like getting them back?

So maybe they had Chinese food.

After dark?

Please. At their age
that's like swallowing stun grenades.

Well, there's one way to check.
Where there's Chinese food...

there's leftovers.

Well, gentlemen...

Laney is in love.

Dynamite. I'll look
for the Chinese-food leftovers.

Hey, hey, hey. I met this guy.
And it was like this...

totally unreal fairy-tale moment.

It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?

Oh, George's friend?
What happened to him?

Nothing. I don't know. I gotta go.

So this is beautiful.

You and Puddy and this new guy
in a big pot of love stew.

Yeah. Puddy.

Well, I won't fire him
until I see if this new guy...

can handle the workload.

Will you look at this?
More catalogues.

Omaha Steaks, MacWarehouse.

I can't stop all these companies...

so I'm gonna attack this problem
at the choke point.

Stop the mail?

That's even better.

- Jerry.
- Hey, Frankie.

So where's the car?

This is it.

- Inside the van?
- It is the van.

Don't you remember, we always
talked about how cool it would be...

to have a van and just drive.

We were 10.

Come on. Let's take it for a spin.

I don't want a van.

Just tell him you want the Saab.

You don't understand.
This is Fragile Frankie Merman.

When we were in camp,
if you upset him...

he'd run into the woods,
dig a hole, and sit in it.

Well, I have an idea.

Keep the van and just get
a bumper sticker that says:

"If this van's a-rocking,
don't come a-knocking."

Always helpful.

Oh, Georgie.
What are you doing here?

Just dropped in for a visit. You...

You never called me back.

Oh, the phone broke.

Well, we gotta get moving.

- What? Where are you going?
- We have a catered affair.

- You're going like that?
- It's creative black tie.

Move, woman.

No Chinese leftovers.

George is getting suspicious.

Elaine, I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm gonna be in the can.

Okay, Jack.

- Can I use your phone?
- Sure.

Puddy? It's Elaine. We're through.

Yeah. That's right. Again.


- Nice captain's chairs, huh?
- Aye, aye.

Oh, there's a spot. Just back up.

Hold on. There must be a truck
backing up.

- No, that's us.
- Great.

You know, Frankie, I was wondering.

What if I decided that it's silly
to have a van because, you know...

I live in New York City.

Is there maybe some way
I could exchange it?

- You don't like the van?
- No, no, no. It's just hypothetically.

- I gotta go to the park.
- No. No, you don't.

No woods.

I love the van. I'm a van guy.

Check it out.

Rain and sleet may not stop them.

But let's see them
get by these bricks.

Where'd you get the bricks?

Jerry, the whole building is brick.

You wanna take a ride
with me out to Jersey?

I'm gonna try and sell
the van to a lot.

A dealer? Are you insane?
No, take out an ad. Sell it privately.

I don't think I wanna meet the people
that are in the market for a used van.

- Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
- Okay.

All right. Okay.

Here we go. Yeah.

So for sale, huh?

For sale.

A big juicy van.

And, oh, we gotta put down,
"interesting trades considered."

- I don't wanna trade.
- No, no, no. You don't have to.

It's all about tickling
their buying bone.

You know what? This is all your mail.
They're putting it in my box now.

Let me see that.

Oh, that's it. They have gone too far.

They keep pushing me
and pushing me.

Now I got no choice
but to go down there and talk to them.

Hey, Jerry.

I'd like you to meet someone.

This is Jack.

- May I help you?
- Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.

Certainly. How long would
you like us to hold it?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't think
you get me. I want out. Permanently.

I'll handle this, Violet.

Why don't you take
your three-hour break?

Oh, calm down, everyone.
No one's cancelling any mail.

- Oh, yes, I am.
- Well, what about your bills?

- The bank can pay them.
- The bank.

Then what about your cards
and letters?

E-mail, telephones, fax machines,
FedEx, Telex, telegrams.

- Holograms.
- All right. It's true.

Of course nobody needs mail.

What, you think you're so clever,
figuring that one out?

But you don't know the half
of what goes on here.

So just walk away, Kramer.
I beg of you.

Is everything all right here,
postal employee Newman?

Yes, sir. I believe
everything is all squared away.

Isn't it, Mr. Kramer?

Oh, yeah.
As long as I stop getting mail.

Welcome back.

Pretty quick for a catered affair.

I don't know what you mean.

You ditched me. That's twice.

Now I demand to know
what's going on.

George, we've had it with you.

Understand, we love you like a son,
but even parents have limits.

The breakups, the firings,
and every Sunday with the calls.

What my wife is trying to say is,
this is supposed to be our time.

- I'm not following.
- I'm sorry, George.

- We're cutting you loose.
- You're cutting me loose?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna make love to your mother.

They don't want to see me anymore.

But this is what
you've always wanted.

It is.

Just not ready yet.

- That's kind of sweet.
- Shut up, Jerry.

My parents think
they can ignore me.

Well, they better think again.

Oh, no, George. Please.
What are you gonna do?

You remember my cousin, Rhisa?

- I'm gonna date her.
- Mother of God.

One little wink. She'll freak out,
tell my parents. They'll be all over me.

What is this tape?

That guy Elaine's dating
seems really familiar to me.

I think he might be a comedian
I worked with one time.

Wait a second. What...?
What, what is this?

This week end
Nobody Beats The Wiz...

is slashing prices
on our entire stock.

Nobody beats me
because I'm the Wiz.

Yes. I'm the Wiz. I'm the Wiz.

That is the guy.

Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?

She thinks she's in love with him.

She's just remembering
this old commercial.

- That's pretty pathetic.
- I know. They're not even related.



- I'm gonna get going.
- Have fun at the family reunion.

So, what do you know
about this Jack fella?

- Isn't he the best?
- Yeah, nobody beats him.


What kind of work does he do?

Oh, right now he's a fact-checker
for New York Magazine.

It's not much, but it has a certain kind
of quiet dignity.

Right. Quiet dignity.

As opposed to, say...


Nobody beats me
because I'm the Wiz.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.


Yeah, the van is still for sale.
Sure, come on by.

Yeah, I called about the van.

- Some more merlot?
- Yeah, thanks.


You know, Rhisa, I...

I've always found you
very attractive.


I know it may sound shocking...

but I just can't stop myself
from wanting you.

You wanna borrow money, right?

No, no. I... I just want us to be...


All right.

- All right?
- Let's go for it.

Well, we could dance around it
a little first.

No. Let's be bad, George.

- Let's be really bad.
- Whoa, easy.

- So how come you're selling it?
- You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.

- How many miles?
- Two.

City or highway?

Look, do you really wanna buy
this thing or what?

Hey, hey. Take it easy.
I'm not gonna be pressured.

I'll walk away right now.

Is this thing bent?

- I'm not paying for that.
- All right, just get out of here.

All right. Look, I'm gonna be honest.

I'm very interested in the van.

Okay, fine. What do I have to do
to put you in this van today?

Well, I don't really have any money,
but it says right here:

Interesting trades considered?

- You put that in.
- Glad I did.


You wanna trade me an undershirt?

No, I want to trade you screen legend
Anthony Quinn's undershirt.

He took this off to do sit-ups
in the park and I nabbed it.

- That's disgusting.
- Well, that's my final offer.

You dumped me for some idiotic
TV pitchman?

I'm sorry, Puddy. It was a mistake.

Let's just put it behind us...

and we can continue
as if this never happened.

Jeez, I don't know.
What if we're out somewhere...

and you see
the Maytag Repairman?

- You're not taking me back?
- That's right.

He's not idiotic.

He's the Wiz.
And nobody beats him.


Here you go. Mail is evil. Pass it on.

Hey, mail blows. Fax it to a friend.

Why does this dummy have a bucket
on his head?

Because we're blind to their tyranny.

Shouldn't you
be wearing the bucket?

Yeah. Move along, Betty.

Is this Jerry Seinfeld's van?

Not anymore. He traded it to me
for some Hollywood memorabilia.

- I'm so stupid.
- What?

I'm so stupid. Excuse... I'm sorry.

Hey, nice to meet you.

She's into it?

She's leaving me dirty messages
on my answering machine.

So have your parents
found out about it?

She wants to keep it quiet. She thinks
we have a real future together.

It's a brave new world, all right.

Hey, guys.

Hey, how's the anti-mail
campaign going?

Oh, boy, it's fantastic. We were out
in front of the post office today...

and not one person went in.

It's Sunday.

Why is the mailman
wearing a bucket?

Well, it symbolizes our persecution.

Shouldn't you be
wearing the bucket?

Hey, I want my van keys back.

Well, I thought we made a deal
for Quinn's T-shirt?

Are you insane?

- Give them.
- No, I can't. I can't.

See, I told Frank he could borrow it.

Yeah, he wants to move some
of George's stuff into storage.

Wait a minute.

He's picking up the van tonight?
This is perfect.

I'll drive Rhisa
to someplace romantic...

then when my father slides
the door open...

I'm in the van
kissing his brother's daughter.

Jerry, one of your friends came by...

and he was very upset
that I had your wheels.

Oh, no, not Frankie.

I didn't catch his name,
but he went running into the park.

Oh, no, the woods, the hole.

- Hey.
- Kramer, what the hell are you doing?

I know, I'm gonna switch the bucket
to something else.

- Not that.
- What?

You're in trouble, Kramer.

I shouldn't be talking to you.
I'm telling you as a friend.

Here's how it's gonna happen.

You may be walking, maybe on
a crisp autumn day just like today...

when a mail truck will slow
beside you, the door will open.

A mailman you know, maybe even
trust, will offer to give you a lift.

- Are you through?
- No.

And no one will ever see you again.

- Are you through?
- Yes.

No, wait.

Okay, yes.

- Quick. Get in.
- Oh, no, no, no.

That's exactly how you said
it was going down.

There's another way.
It's going down now!

No, you said a mailman I know,
and you're a mailman I know.

I know you know,
but you don't know what I know.




Frankie, is that you?

My name is Edgar.

Have a nice night.

Thank you.


So stupid.


All right, George.

I'm ready.

Yeah, hold on. I'm...

I'm just trying to get a reading
on my dashboard compass.

Where are my parents?


Is this Seinfeld's van?
Seinfeld's van. Seinfeld's van.

- Wait. What's he saying?
- I think he's saying Son of Sam.

- Oh, my God!
- I thought they caught him.

I knew it wasn't Berkowitz.

So I told him, hit the road,
I'm going back with Jack.

That's the second good piece
of news I've gotten.

Really? What was the first?

They're bringing me back.

Yeah. I'm the Wiz again.


I'm the Wiz. I'm the Wiz.

What...? What about
your fact-checking job?

Oh, here's a fact. I'm the Wiz.

I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.

Frankie. Come on out of there.

- You hate the van.
- But I'm keeping it.

As much as I hate the idea
of being a van guy...

it's a lot better than hanging out here
with the nocturnal dirt people.

So can we go for a ride?

Yeah, let's just
get the hell out of here.

Are you done with that?

Good. He left the door unlocked.

Why did Kramer have to
park the van in the woods?

Isn't it obvious? There are
no parking meters out here.

Hey, look at this.

Hoochie mama.

Oh, my goodness,
what have they done to you here?

Who are you?


you can just call me Henry.

Henry Atkins,
the postmaster general?

Last time I checked.

Henry, can I get out of here now?

Oh, oh, sit a bit.

Sit a bit.

I mean, after all, I drove all the way
up here from D.C. Just to talk to you.

I even had to cancel a round of golf
with the secretary of state.

Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?


Mr. Kramer, I've been reading some
of your material here.

I gotta be honest with you.

You make a pretty strong case.

I mean, just imagine.

An army of men in wool pants,
running through the neighbourhood...

handing out pottery catalogues
door to door.

Well, it's my job...

and I'm pretty damn serious about it.

In addition to being a postmaster...

I'm a general and we both know...

it's the job of a general to,
by God, get things done.

So maybe you can understand...

why I get a little irritated when
somebody calls me away from my golf.

I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry.

Sure, you're sorry.

I think we got a stack of mail there
at the desk that belongs to you.

You want that mail,
don't you, Mr. Kramer?

Sure do.

- Now, that's better.
- All right.


Tell the world my story.

- Hey, George.
- Jerry.

- Hey, that's the guy.
- What?

George Costanza. Frankie Merman.

The summer me.

The winter me.

You must be George's cousin.


All right.

Hey, what is that?

That van's a-rocking.

Then don't go a-knocking.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, you gotta sell this van.

Oh, yeah.

What you saw in the van
was a natural expression...

of a man's love for his lady.

Your father's right. It's beautiful.

And it was safe.

Oh, God.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
once again...

- your mother and I...
- Oh, make it stop.