Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 22 - The Finale - full transcript

Five years after he and George made their original pitch, Jerry gets a call from NBC saying they want to go ahead with the original proposal. As a perk, they offer him the company jet to take him anywhere he likes and he, Elaine, George and Kramer are soon winging their way to Paris. They don't get very far when the plane has to make an emergency landing - thanks to Kramer's water-logged ear - and soon find themselves with a few hours to kill in a small town. When they see a fat man being car-jacked, they make fun of it but are soon arrested under a new Good Samaritan law for failing to help him.

It seems like whenever people
call you in for a meeting...'s all about sitting down. "I would
really like to sit down with you."

"I think we need
to sit down and talk."

"Why don't you come in
and we'll sit down?"

Sometimes sitting doesn't work.
People get mad at the sitting.

"You know, we've been sitting here
for I don't know how long.

How much longer
are we just gonna sit here?"

I'll tell you what I think we should do.
I think we should all sleep on it.

Maybe we're not
getting down low enough.

Maybe if we all lie down,
then our brains will work.

I can't eat this without ketchup.

Would it kill her to check up on us?
Would that be a terrible thing?

"How's everything? You need
anything? What can I do for you?"

-I know what you mean.
-Do you?

It's like going out with someone
and not hearing back.

-Same thing.
-Not really, but it's something.

Ask the people behind you.

Excuse me.
Are you using your ketchup?

What do you think?
You wanna give him the ketchup?

It's up to you.

You know what? I don't think so.
I'm gonna need it from time to time.

You wanna go to the movies?

What for?

To see a movie.

-I've been to the movies.
-Not this movie.

They're all the same.

You go, you sit,
you eat popcorn, you watch.

I'm sick of it.

-Did you take a shower today?

That's the kind of mood I'm in
when I haven't showered.

When is it gonna be
my turn, Jerry?

When do I get my 15 minutes?

-I want my 15 minutes.
-Oh, quit complaining.

-You have your health.
-Health's not good enough.

I want more than health.

Health's not doing it for me
anymore. I'm sick of health.

All right, we're done.
You can have it now.

Oh, very gracious.

-Nice day.

What is that?

-Hey, Jo Jo.
-Hey, hey.


-All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer.
-No, thank you.

-So, what are you doing?

-Come on, let's go to the beach.
-Are you crazy?

-No, it's a beautiful day.
-Have a good time.

Yeah, there's something
in the air today.

Can you feel it?
There's something in the air.

You know you're turning
into Burt Lancaster?

Yeah, there's something
in the air.

Oh, I forgot to call Jill.

Jill. Hi, it's Elaine.

How is your father?
Is everything okay?


I can't hear you so good.
There's a lot of static.

I'm gonna call you back.

Jill's father is in the hospital, and you
call to ask about him on a cell phone?

-What? No good?
-Faux pas.

-Faux pas?
-Big, hefty, stinking...

-...faux pas.

You can't make a health inquiry
on a cell phone.

It's like saying, "I don't wanna
take up my important time at home.

I'll get it out of the way
on the street."

And the street cell phone call
is the lowest phone call you can make.

It's an act of total disregard.
It's selfish.

-It's dismissive.
-It's pompous.

Why don't you think
before you do something?

Here's a thought.


Too much?

Boy, I'm really surprised
at Elaine.

You know,
that whole phone business.

She should know
better than that.

-Hey, hey, hey.

Where do you think
this relationship is?

If you are thinking of instituting
an open door urination policy...

...let me disabuse you
of that notion right now, my friend.

-You're so uptight.
-Yeah, I'm uptight.

Let's all just have
a big pee party.

Hey, everybody, grab a bucket.
We're going up to Jerry's.

It's a pee party.

Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark...

...calling from
James Kimbrough's office at NBC.

Could you please
give us a call? Thanks.

Hello. Hi.
This is Jerry Seinfeld...

...calling for James Kimbrough.




No problem. Definitely.

Okay. Bye-bye.

-That was James Kimbrough.
-Who's he?

He is the new president of NBC.

He wants to sit down with us
and talk about Jerry.

-Our show, Jerry?

Jerry? Oh, my God...

-...he wants to talk about Jerry?

-Today, like right now.

Right now?


-He wants to talk about Jerry?
-He wants to talk about Jerry.


-Can I go like this?

No sports jacket? I don't need one?
Writers wear sports jackets.

-Forget it.
-I won't feel like a writer.

-You're not a writer.


Need some water.

Water here.

Okay, now, listen. I don't want any
scenes in here like the last time.

-Don't worry. No scenes.
-Don't blow this.

I will not blow this.

If he says he doesn't want it to be
a show about nothing, don't go nuts.

-It doesn't have to be.
-He might not want nothing.

Something, nothing.
I could care less.

He might want a show
about everything.

Anything. Everything. Something.
Nothing. Who the hell cares?

-Put me down. I'm down.
-All right.

Mr. Kimbrough
is ready to see you.

-Magic time.

Mr. Kimbrough.

-Hey, Jerry.

Hey, hey, hey.

-How you been?
-Good. You remember George.

-George, good to see you.
-Hello, Stu.

You remember Jay Crespi.

Jay Crespi.
I'm gonna forget Jay Crespi, huh?

-This is James Kimbrough.
-Nice to meet you.

-Thanks for coming in.

-Don't spell.

-That's right.
-Yeah. It's a talent I have.

Why don't we sit down?
I'm glad you're here.

Some day out there, huh?

Did you ever see
weather like that?

It's crisp.

It's Crespi-crisp.

Shut up, George.

Can I get you anything?

What do we have
in the fruit department?


That's a dangerous fruit.
It's like a weapon, that thing.

Got spikes on the end.
Get killed from one of those things.

Anyway, let me tell you
why I called.

When I took over here, I reviewed
what was in development...

...and it was pretty much
same old.

Been there, done that.

Right. I was looking for something
different. Something that would have...

-...people talking at the water coolers.
-Water coolers?

We call it a water-cooler show.

Because the next day, people gather
around the water coolers... talk about it, right?

I would think people would talk about it
at the coffee machines.

Well, it's probably just easier
to say water-cooler show...

...than coffee-machine show.

It's really not accurate.

Nobody drinks from a water cooler
anymore, they use bottles.

But I think Mr. Kimbrough
makes a good point.

Anyway, Stu here started telling me
about a show, Jerry...

...that he developed
five years ago.

I have always loved it.

He said it was a show
about nothing.

So I saw the pilot,
and I've gotta tell you...

...I flipped out.

He totally flipped out.

What I wanna do is put it on the air.
Thirteen episode commitment.

Start it off on Wednesday night,
build an audience.

This show needs time to grow.

I love that Kramer guy.

He's a little off-the-wall.

-Oh, yeah, off-the-wall.

And Elaine, I wouldn't mind seeing
something happening between you.

-I tell you, l--

I really don't think
so-called relationship humor... what this show's all about.

Or we can not do the show
altogether. How about that?

Or we could get them together.

Jill. Hi, it's Elaine.

Yeah, well,
I'm calling from my home.


Well-- Well, I was just calling
to see how your fath--

I'm sorry, I'm getting another call.
Hang on just a second.

-Hi, Elaine, it's me.

-I'm on the other line.
-This is an emergency.

Get off the phone.

I'm sorry, Jill.

I'm gonna have to take this call.

Jerry, what's the emergency?

Jerry's back on, the TV show.

George and l
are moving to California.

That's the emergency?

-Did you hear what I said?
-I was on the other line talking to Jill.

Jill? Well,
why didn't you say so?

You said it was an emergency.

So now she's lost
a phone face-off?

That's even worse than
your cell phone walk-and-talk.

They're doing the show.

They should have
put that show on five years ago.

Bunch of idiots at that network.

Can I tell you something, Jerry?

It's all crap on TV.

The only thing I watch
is Xena: The Warrior Princess.

She must be about 6'6".

She's not 6'6".

-Jerry, you ever watch that?
-Yeah, it's pretty good.

They picked up the show?

I'm moving to California.

Oh, baby doll, this kid's going places.
I told you.

The NBC guy liked it?

-Of course he liked it.
-He told you he liked it?

He wouldn't put it on
if he didn't like it.

Well, what are you doing?

-I'm writing.
-You know how to write?

Without the writing, you have nothing.
You make them look good.

Since when do you know
how to write?

-I never saw you write anything.

I don't know how you're gonna
write all those shows.

And where are you gonna
get all the ideas?

Would you leave him alone?
You'll shatter his confidence.

I don't need any ideas.
It's a show about nothing.

Nothing, please.
I'll tell you the truth.

The whole thing
sounds pretty stupid to me.

NBC is letting me
use their private jet?

And I can go anywhere I want?

That is fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah.

Great. Okay, bye.

Oh, hey.

Hey. How was the beach?

You missed it, buddy.
Lot of femeninas.

Some major femeninas.

Had a little meeting today
at NBC.

What are you doing?

You know, I went swimming.
I can't get this water out of my ear.

So do you remember five years ago,
we did that pilot, Jerry?

Well, the new guy at NBC
wants to do it.

They're putting it on the air. They're
giving us a 13 episode commitment.

George and l
are moving to California.

You're moving to California?

Yeah, but only for a while.

Yeah, but, Jerry,
what happens if the show's a hit?

You could be out there for years.

You might never come back.

-No, I'll be back.
-Jerry, it's L.A.

Nobody leaves.

She's a seductress,
she's a siren, she's a virgin...

...she's a whore.

And my agent said as a bonus
I can use their private jet.

So we'll all go somewhere,
the four of us.

One big fling before George
and I go to California.

A fling.

-So we can go anywhere we want?
-Go anywhere.

-Why are they doing this?
-I think they wanna make it up to us...

...because they let this
sit on their shelf for years.

This is all very exciting.

So where we going?

Well, I say Japan.

-Why Japan?
-Oh, geishas.

You know,
they cater to your every whim.

They're shy at first, but they're
quite skilled at conversation.

They can discuss anything, from
world affairs to the fine art of fishing.

Or baking.

I got it.
How about Russia?

Russia. It's so bleak.

It's not bleak.

-It's springtime.
-It's still bleak.

You can't be bleak in spring.

You can be bleak in spring.

If you're bleak, you're bleak.

What about Switzerland?

The von Trapp family, huh?

It's a bit hilly. No?

You're not gonna do any walking.

What if I wanna
walk around a little?

So then you'll walk down the hill
and we'll pick you up.

-What if I'm at the bottom?
-You know what, forget it.

All right, come on.
Come on now, people.

Let's face it. We're not all
gonna agree on anything.

Why don't we just
all go to Paris?

I'll go to Paris.

-Me too.

-So that's it. It's settled.

We're going to Paris.


Hey. NBC limo is downstairs.

I'm just gonna call Jill
one more time before we go.

Elaine, you can't make a call
like that on your way out.

You can't rush that conversation.

Well, I can't call from the limo.
Can I call from the plane?

First you make
a cell phone walk-and-talk...

...then she loses
a call waiting face-off... you're talking about
a plane call?

All right, I'll just have
to call her from Paris.

Hello, Jerry.

Hello, Newman. What gives?

I was speaking earlier
with Kramer...

...and he mentioned something
about a private jet to Paris.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, I hear it's quite beautiful
there this time of year...

...and you know
I'm one-quarter French.

-Oh, yes.

In fact, I still have family there.

This probably
won't interest you...

...but I have a cousin there
who's suffering very badly.

She's lost all use
of her muscles.

She can only communicate
by blinking.

I would so love to see her.

Bring a ray of sunshine
into her tragic life.

But, alas, I can't afford it.

For I am, as you know,
but a simple postal worker.

-That's a shame.
-Take me! Take me!

Oh, forget it.

Pull yourself together.
You're making me sick.

Be a man.

All right.

But hear me and hear me well.

The day will come. Oh, yes.

Mark my words, Seinfeld.

Your day of reckoning
is coming.

When an evil wind will blow
through your little play world...

...and wipe that smug smile
off your face.

And I'll be there,
in all my glory, watching.

Watching as it all
comes crumbling down.


I'm Captain Maddox.

This is my copilot, Kurt Adams.

-Ready to go to Paris?
-All set.

-We'll just grab the bags.
-Don't worry about that.

-We'll take care of them for you.
-Just keeps getting better and better.

Not bad.

The only way to fly.

This is it?

I'm sorry, I have to say,
I'm a little disappointed.

I thought it would be a lot nicer.

You're complaining
about a private jet?

You think this is the plane
that Ted Danson gets?

Ted Danson is not even
on the network anymore.

I bet when they gave him a plane,
it was a lot nicer than this.

Will you shut up?

You are ruining the whole trip.

This is a real piece of junk.

I don't even feel safe
on this thing.

-I have a good mind to write a letter--
-You're not writing any letters.

-Will you turn around?

You are annoying me
sitting like that.

It's effeminate.

-It's effeminate to sit like this?

I think it's a little effeminate.

How is this effeminate?

I don't know. It just is.

-What are you doing?
-You still got water in your ear?

I can't get rid of it.
Maybe it leaked inside my brain.

Kramer, stop that. It's not safe
to be jumping on a plane.

I gotta get it out.
I can't take this anymore.

Kramer, don't be
fooling around up here.

-Hey, get the hell out of here.

What is that?

Oh, my God.

-What is that noise?
-Kramer, what the hell did you do?

I lost my balance.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

-It was an accident!

I told you to stop
with the hopping!

Oh, my God,
we're going down.

We're gonna die.

Just when I was doing great.

I told you God wouldn't let me
be successful.

Is this it? Is this how it ends?

It can't. It can't end like this.

I'm ready. I'm ready.

Glory hallelujah.

-Jerry? Jerry, can you hear me?

-There's something I have to tell you.
-What? What is it?

-I cheated in the contest.

-The contest, I cheated.

Because I'm a cheater!

I had to tell you.

Great, I won.

-Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.

Elaine, I've got something
I wanna say to you.

-No, no. Me first.
-All right.

Jerry, I've always--

Hey, what's going on?

We're straightening out.

-We're straightening out.
-We're straightening out.

-We're straightening out.

Well, again,
sorry about that little mishap.

Once we get everything checked,
shouldn't be any more problems.

-Where are we?
-Latham, Massachusetts.

Why don't you take a cab into town,
get yourself something to eat?

I got your beeper number,
I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.

-Yeah, okay.

We'll see you later.

Well, what are we gonna do
about Paris?

I mean, are we actually
gonna get back on this plane?

I say we go back to New York
and take a regular flight.

I'm not getting on
a regular plane now.

I'm all psyched up
to go on a private jet.

No way I'm getting on
a regular plane.

Well, I'm sure that they would
fly us first class.

First class
doesn't make it anymore.

You get on the phone with Kimbrough
and tell him to get another plane here.

But this time, the good one.
The Ted Danson plane.

-All right, I'll feel him out.
-Yeah, just tell him to hurry it up.

Nice day.

Another one.

All right, fatso,
out of the car.

I'm gonna capture this.

-Come on.
-I'm getting out. Give me a minute.

-Give me your wallet.
-Don't shoot.

Well, there goes the money
for the lipo.

See, the great thing about
robbing a fat guy is...'s an easy getaway,
you know?

They can't really chase you.

He's actually doing him a favor.

It's less money for him
to buy food.

I want your wallet. Come on.
Come on, come on!

That's a shame.

All right, I'm gonna call NBC.

Officer, he's stealing my car.

Officer, I was carjacked.

-I was held up at gunpoint.
-I understand.

Okay. Thanks anyway.
They can't get another plane.

What's wrong with the plane we got?
They're checking it out.

-No, no, no.
-Forget that.

-Forget it.
-We're not getting on there.

Come on, let's get something
to eat here in Sticksville.

-All right. Hold it right there.

-You're under arrest.
-Under arrest? What for?

Article 223-7
of the Latham County Penal Code.

What? No, no,
we didn't do anything.

That's exactly right.

The law requires you to help
or assist anyone in danger... long as it's reasonable
to do so.

I never heard of that.

It's new. It's called
the Good Samaritan Law.

-Let's go.

A Good Samaritan law?
Are they crazy?

-Why would we help somebody?
-I know.

That's what nuns
and Red Cross workers are for.

The Samaritans
were an ancient tribe.

Very helpful to people.

All right.

Excuse me. Hi.

Could you tell me
what kind of law this is?

Well, they just passed it
last year.

And it's modeled
after the French law.

I heard about it
after Princess Diana was killed...

...and those photographers
were standing around.

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.

You're the first ones
to be arrested on it...

...probably in the whole country.

All right,
so, what's the penalty?

Let's pay the fine
and get the hell out of here.

Well, it's not that easy. See, the law
calls for a maximum fine of $85,000...

...and as much as
five years in prison.

-Oh, no, no, no.

We have to be in California
next week.

We're starting a TV show.

Oh, gosh, I don't think so.

My guess is
you're gonna be prosecuted.

Better get yourselves
a good lawyer.

Who told you to put the cheese on?
Did I tell you?

-I didn't tell you to put it on.
-Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.

You people with the cheese.
It never ends.


Good Samaritan Law?
I never heard of it.

You don't have to help anybody.
That's what this country's about.

That's deplorable,
unfathomable, improbable.

Hold on. Susie.

Cancel my appointment
with Dr. Byson.

And pack a bag for me.

I wanna get to Latham,
Massachusetts right away.

So they got Jackie Chiles, huh?

And you know what that means.

This whole place
is gonna be swarming with media.

By the time this thing is over...'re not gonna be able
to find a hotel room in this town.

The whole country
is going to be watching this.

Now, we gotta do
whatever it takes to win it.

No matter what the cost.

And a big issue in this trial
is going to be character.

Find out everything
about these people.

And I mean everything.

It's pretty good chow, huh?

It would kill him
to check up on us?

No. Drops off the meals
and that's it.

I realize we're prisoners,
but we're still entitled to ketchup.

I guess we could have
called for help.

But then we would have missed
the whole thing.

I still had it on video.
We could have watched it later.

Yeah, he's right.

I forgot about the video.

Oh, sure, video.

What is that?

Plane's ready.

I'm Geraldo Rivera.
We'll be talking about...

...what most of you have probably
been discussing in your homes...

...and around the water coolers
in your offices.

I'm speaking of the controversial
Good Samaritan trial...

...that gets underway Thursday
in Latham, Massachusetts.

Now, before we meet our panel,
let's go to Latham live...

...where Jane Wells
is standing by. Jane.

Yes, good evening, Geraldo.

What's the mood?
What's going on tonight?

Well, Latham
is fairly quiet tonight...

...considering the media circus that
has descended upon this quaint town.

And what about the defendants,
the so-called New York Four?

How are they holding up?

Well, I did speak
with one of the deputies...

...who has some contact with them,
and he told me, quote:

"There's no love lost
with that group."

Anything else, Jane?

There also seems to be some friction
between Mr. Seinfeld and Ms. Benes.

The rumor is that they once dated,
and it's possible that ended badly.

Well, who knows, maybe this trial
will bring them closer together.

Maybe they'll even end up
getting married.

I hope you packed enough.

This trial could last for weeks.

What's all that?

-You're packing cereal?

I'm bringing it for Jerry.

-You got enough for a life sentence.
-He likes it.

He misses that
more than anything.

So bring a snack pack.

Poor Georgie.

Was it our fault
this happened to him?

Did we do something wrong?

Maybe it was our fault.

Maybe it was your fault.

It wasn't my fault,
I can tell you that.

Oh, so it was my fault
but not yours.

You were the one
who smothered him.

-I did not smother him.
-You smothered.

He couldn't get any air. He couldn't
breathe. He was suffocating!

Sure. And you were always in Korea
with your religious chachkas.

I had to make a living!

This is excellent, huh?

Don't worry, I didn't use too much milk,
because I know we gotta make it last.

You know, I've had to reduce
my milk level.

I've always filled to three-quarters,
sometimes to the top of the cereal.

Now to conserve,
I can't even see the milk anymore.

-It's a big adjustment.
-I bet.

It's one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do.

-Good morning.
-Good morning, Jackie.

-Good morning.
-Is everybody ready?

Didn't I tell you I wanted you
to wear the cardigan?

-Makes me look older.
-Look older?

You think this is a game?
That what you think this is?

I'm trying to give you a moral
compass. You have none.

You're gonna walk
into that courtroom...

...and they'll see a mean,
nasty, evil George Costanza.

I want them to see Perry Como.
No one's gonna convict Perry Como.

Perry Como helps out a fat tub
who's getting robbed.

You think it's funny?


You damn right it isn't.

You better not be laughing
in that courtroom, funnyman.

If you start getting all smart-alecky,
making wisecracks, acting a fool...'re gonna find yourself in here
for a long, long time.

I don't like that tie.

Susie, get one of my ties
from my briefcase.

How do I look, Jackie?

Oh, you looking good.

You look strong.

You one fine-looking,
sexy lady.

Thank you, Jackie.

What about me, Jackie?

Kramer, you always look good.

You got respect for yourself.
You're genuine.

The jury's gonna pick up on that.


-This one?
-That's right.

-Do I have to?
-Jackie says put it on, Jerry.

All rise.

Fourth District County Court, Latham,
Massachusetts is now in session.

The Honorable Judge
Arthur Vandelay presiding.


-The judge's name is Vandelay?
-Vanda who?

-Jerry, did you hear that?
-Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's a good sign.

Is the district attorney
ready to proceed?

We are, Your Honor.

Mr. Hoyt.

Ladies and gentlemen,
last year our city council... a vote of 12-to-2,
passed a Good Samaritan law.

Now, essentially,
we made it a crime... ignore a fellow
human being in trouble.

Now, this group
from New York...

...not only ignored,
but as we will prove...

...they actually mocked the victim
as he was being robbed at gunpoint.

I can guarantee you one other thing,
ladies and gentlemen...

...this is not the first time
they have behaved in this manner.

On the contrary.

They have quite a record
of mocking and maligning.

This is a history of selfishness,

...immaturity and greed.

And you will see
how everyone...

...who has come into contact
with these four individuals...

...has been abused, wronged...

...deceived and betrayed.

This time...

...they have gone too far.

This time...

...they are going to be
held accountable.

This time...

...they are the ones who will pay.

Mr. Chiles?

I am shocked and chagrined.

Mortified and stupefied.

This trial is outrageous.

It is a waste of the taxpayers'
time and money.

It is a travesty of justice
that these four people...

...have been incarcerated
while the real perpetrator... walking around laughing.

Lying and laughing.
Laughing and lying.

Do you know what
these four people were?

They were innocent bystanders.

Now, you just think
about that term.

Innocent bystanders.

That's exactly what they were.

We know they were bystanders,
nobody's disputing that.

So how can a bystander be guilty?
No such thing.

Have you ever heard
of a guilty bystander?

No. Because you cannot be
a bystander and be guilty.

Bystanders are,
by definition, innocent.

That is the nature
of bystanding.

But, no.

They wanna change
nature here.

They wanna create
a whole new animal.

The guilty bystander.

But don't you let them do it.

Only you can stop them.

Thank you.

That was wonderful. Thank you.

Is the prosecution ready
to present its first witness?

We are, Your Honor.

Call Officer Matt Vogel
to the stand.

Call Matt Vogel.

-So they were just standing there?

Did one of them have
a video camera?


With the court's permission,
we would like to play back that video...

...and enter it into evidence
as Exhibit A.


-Come on.
-Okay, I'm getting out.

Well, there goes the money
for the lipo.

See, the great thing about robbing
a fat guy is it's an easy getaway.

They can't really chase you.

Come on, come on.

He's actually doing him a favor.

It's less money
for him to buy food.

So they just stood there
and did nothing?

Yeah. Nothing. Nothing.

No further questions.

Hey, great plane.

Thanks a lot.

Piece of junk.

You know,
you almost got us killed.

Call Mabel Choate to the stand.

Call Mabel Choate.

Your Honor, I most strenuously
and vigorously object to this witness.

She was not present
at the incident.

Her testimony is irrelevant,
irrational and inconsequential.

The prosecution has gone to great
lengths and considerable cost... find these character witnesses.

It is imperative that we establish
this is not merely an isolated incident.

It's part of a pattern
of antisocial behavior...

...that's been going on for years.

-Objection overruled.
-Thank you.

I'll hear the witness.

Now, Mrs. Choate,
would you please tell the court...

...what happened
the evening of January 4th?

Well, I was in Schnitzer's Bakery
when I got accosted by that man.

Let the record show
that she's pointing at Mr. Seinfeld.

What did he want?

My marble rye.

Your marble rye?

I got the last one.

He kept persisting,
and I said no.

-Then you left the bakery.

But it didn't end there,
did it, Mrs. Choate?

Oh, no.

-Give me that rye.
-Stop it. Let go.

I want that rye, lady.

Help. Someone, help.

Shut up, you old bag.

Stop, thief. Please, stop him.
Stop him, he's got my marble rye.

No further questions.

I call Marla Penny to the stand.

Call Marla Penny.

The virgin.

What was your connection
to the defendants?

I dated Mr. Seinfeld for several weeks
in the autumn of 1992.

Then on October 28th, there was
an abrupt end to that relationship.

Tell us what happened.

Well, it's rather difficult
to talk about.

It's all right. Take your time.

Well, I became aware of a--

A what?


A contest.

-A contest?

What was the nature
of the contest?

Oh, please, I can't.

It's okay.

The four of them...

-...made a wager to see if they could--

To see who could
go the longest...

...without gratifying themselves.

-Boy, this is an outrage.
-For the love of God.

It was horrible. Horrible.

Call Donald Sanger to the stand.

Who the hell is that?

Come on, Donald.
You're doing fine.

-The Bubble Boy.
-Bubble Boy?

That's right, the Bubble Boy.

What's a Bubble Boy?

He's a boy who lives in a bubble.

What the hell
are you all looking at?

Would you please tell the court
about the incident...

...that occurred in your house,
October 7th, 1992?

Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed
to come to my house...

...but his friend Costanza
showed up instead.

So I challenged him
to a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Who invaded Spain
in the eighth century?

That's a joke. The Moors.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry, it's the Moops.

The correct answer
is the Moops.

Moops? Let me see that.

That's not Moops, you jerk.

It's Moors. It's a misprint.

I'm sorry. The card says Moops.

It doesn't matter. It's Moors.

There's no Moops.

-It's Moops.


Help, someone.

There's no Moops, you idiot.

Stop it. Let go of him.

Donald. Stop it.

No. Donald, stop it.

-It was Moops.

So Mr. Costanza parked in
a handicapped spot, and as a result... got in an accident
and your wheelchair was destroyed?

-That's right.
-And then Mr. Kramer...

...gave you a used wheelchair?

That's right.

So you were the doctor on duty
the night Susan Ross died?

Yes, that's right.

It was May 16th, 1996.

I'll never forget it.

So you broke the news
to Mr. Costanza?

Would you tell the court, please,
what his reaction was.

I would describe it... restrained jubilation.

-He killed our daughter.

He knew those envelopes
were toxic!

Order in this court.

Call Sidra Holland to the stand.

Look at this one. She's fine.

She's a 12.

You dated her?

So you met Jerry Seinfeld
in a health club...

-...sometime in 1993?

-You met Ms. Benes in the same club?
-Yes, that's true.

Would you describe
the circumstances of that meeting?

We were in the sauna,
making chitchat.

You know,
I've seen you around the club.

My name's Sidra. This is Marcy.

Oh, hi.

-I'm Elaine.

So she pretended to trip...

...and she fell into your breasts.


Why would she do that?

Because he sent her in there
to find out if they were real.

-State your name.
-Bookman. Joe Bookman.

-And what's your occupation?
-I'm a library cop.

What's a library cop do?

We chase down
library delinquents.

Anyone in this room
ever delinquent?

Yeah, he was. Right over there.

-How long was his book overdue?
-Twenty-five years.

We don't call them delinquent
after that long.

-What do you call them?

So you and Mr. Costanza
were dating.

-And then what happened?

Well, I invited him to attend
my son's birthday party and....


At the time, I was employed
as a security guard... the parking garage
at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.

Okay, let's go.

Why would l
unless I was in danger?

-I know it's against the law.
-I don't know.

Because I could get uromysitisis
poisoning and die, that's why.


I wonder if they're having any trouble
controlling themselves now.

Perhaps these two hooligans would
like to have a pee party right here!

Objection, Your Honor.
This is completely inappropriate.

My client's medical condition
is not on trial.

May I refer you
to the Disability Act of 1990.

Sit down, Mr. Chiles.

All right, detective,
then what happened?

We got a tip that a lot
of prostitutes had been...

...turning tricks in the parking lot.

-You just cost me some money.
-Hey, cool it, lady.

Cool it.

Cool it, lady. Cool it.

Police officers. Freeze right there.

So Cosmo Kramer was, in fact...

...a pimp.

So you asked Mr. Seinfeld
if he would wear your puffy shirt...

...on the Today show?

Excuse me?

Excuse me, Your Honor.
What is the point of this testimony?

This woman's a low talker.
I can't hear a word.

So either get some other kind of
microphone up there or let's move on.

Call George Steinbrenner
to the stand.

Call George Steinbrenner.

So George Costanza came
to work for you in May of 1994?

That's right. He was a good kid.
A lovely boy.

Shared his calzone with me.
That was a heck of a sandwich.

Yes, sir, that was
a good sandwich, sir.

-Had one little problem though.
-What was that?

He was a communist.
Pink as they come.

Like a big, juicy steak.

How could you give $12 million
to Hideki Irabu?




Sponges. And I don't mean
the kind you clean your tub with.

They're for sex.

She said she needed
a whole case of them.

She exposed her nipple.

-How did she try to kill you?
-She tried to smother me with a pillow.

Call Yev Kassem to the stand.

-Call Yev Kassem.

The Soup Nazi.

Soup Nazi?

You people have a little pet name
for everybody.

State your name.

-Yev Kassem.
-Could you spell that, please?

No. Next question.

-How do you know the defendants?
-They used to come to my restaurant.

Medium turkey chili.

Medium crab bisque.

-I didn't get any bread.
-Just forget it. Let it go.

Excuse me. I think you forgot
my bread.

-You want bread?
-Yes, please.

Three dollars.

-No soup for you.

But the idiot clowns
did not know how to order.

I banned that one,
the woman, for a year.

Then one day...

...she came back.

Five cups chopped
porcine mushrooms...

...half a cup of olive oil...

...three pounds celery....

That's my recipe
for wild mushroom.

You're through, Soup Nazi.

Pack it up.

No more soup for you.


She published my recipes.

I had to close the store
and move to Argentina.

She ruined my business.

His soup's
not all that good anyway.

What did you say?

The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt
to the stand.

-How did they find Babu?
-I thought he was deported.

You've come a long way
to be here today, haven't you?

Yes. All the way from Pakistan.

And what's your connection
to the defendants?

I owned a restaurant.

Seinfeld told me to change
the menu to Pakistani.

But nobody came.

There were no people.

And then what happened?

Then he got me an apartment
in his building...

...but they mixed up the mail...

...and I never got
my immigration renewal papers.

So they deported me.

It's all his fault.
Him and the woman.

But they did not care.
They're totally indifferent.

All they do is mock me.
Just like they did the fat fellow.

All the time mocking,
mocking, mocking.

All the time.

Now it is Babu's turn to mock.

Finally, I will have some justice.

Send them away. Send them all away.
Lock them up forever.

They're not human.

They're very bad.

Very, very, very bad.

Hi, I'm Geraldo Rivera, and welcome
to this special edition of Rivera Live.

Arguments in the Good Samaritan
trial ended today...

...the jury has been in deliberation
for four and a half hours now.

Let's go live to Jane Wells,
who is in Latham, Massachusetts...

...covering this trial for us. Jane.

Just a few minutes ago,
the jury asked to see the videotape.

That's the one where they are
overheard making sarcastic remarks...

...during the robbery.

Yes, it's a very incriminating
piece of evidence.

But I must tell you,

...this courtroom and everyone
who's attended this trial... still reeling from the endless
parade of witnesses...

...who've come forth
so enthusiastically... testify against these
four seemingly ordinary people.

One had the feeling that if Judge
Vandelay didn't put a stop to it... could have
gone on for months.

Jane, whose testimony
do you think resonated...

...most strongly with this jury?

That is so hard to say.

Certainly, there's the doctor
with the poison invitations.

The Bubble Boy was an extremely
sympathetic and tragic figure.

And that bizarre contest certainly
didn't sit well with this small-town jury.

There's the woman they sold
the defective wheelchair to.

The deported
Pakistani restaurateur.

Geraldo, it just went
on and on and on into the night.

And so we wait.

Do they make you wear uniforms
in prison?

I think so.

It's not that bright orange one, is it?

I hope it's not that one...

...because I cannot wear orange.

Will you stop worrying?

Jackie's gonna get us off.
He never loses.

How about when he asked that cop
if a black man...

...had ever been to his house.
Did you see the look on his face?

Sorry to bother you, judge.

How did you get in here?

Please. If he's found guilty...

...please be kind to him.

He's a good boy.

This is highly irregular.

Well, maybe there's something
I can do for you.

What do you mean?

You know.

Oh, Jackie. You're so articulate.

We got plenty of time too.

This jury could be out for days.



They're ready.

Hey, Elaine. What was it you were
about to say to me on the plane...

...when it was going down?

I've always loved...

...United Airlines.

I think it's gonna be okay.

That girl just smiled at me.

Maybe because she knows
you're going to jail.


All rise.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...

...have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

Will the defendants please rise?

And how do you find with respect
to the charge of criminal indifference?

We find the defendants...


Oh, no!

Order in this court.

Order! Order in this court!

I will clear this room.

I do not know how...

...or under what circumstances
the four of you found each other.

But your callous indifference
and utter disregard...

...for everything
that is good and decent...

...has rocked the very foundation
upon which our society is built.

I can think of nothing
more fitting...

...than for the four of you
to spend a year...

...removed from society... that you can contemplate...

...the manner in which
you have conducted yourselves.

I know I will.

This court is adjourned.

You had to hop.

You had to hop on the plane!


-Don't wait for me.
-All right.

We gotta get out of here.

We wanna beat the traffic.

Come on, Jackie. Let's go.


Oh, and by the way...

...they're real,
and they're spectacular.

Well, it's only a year.

That's not so bad.

We'll be out in a year.

And then we'll be back.

Could be fun.

Don't have to worry about your meals
or what you're gonna do Saturdays.

And they do shows.

Yeah, we could put on a show.

Maybe Bye Bye Birdie
or My Fair Lady.

Yeah, Elaine,
you could be Liza Doolittle.

Why don't you just
blow it out your a--?

If I call Jill from prison, you think that
would make up for the other ones?

-Because you only get one call.

The prison call is like
the king of calls.

I think that would be
a very nice gesture.

I got it.

It's out.

Not that bad, huh?

Oh, boy, what a relief.

See, now, to me, that button
is in the worst possible spot.

-Oh, yeah.

The second button
is the key button.

It literally makes
or breaks the shirt.

Look at it. It's too high.

It's in no man's land.

Haven't we had
this conversation before?

You think?

I think we have.

Yeah, maybe we have.

So, what is the deal
with the yard?

When I was a kid, my mother
wanted me to play in the yard...

...but she didn't have to worry
about my neighbor...

...sticking a shiv in my thigh.

What's with the lockdown?
Why do we have to be locked in cells?

Are we that bad that we have
to be sent to prison in prison?

You would think the weightlifting
and the sodomy is enough.

-So anyone from Cellblock D?
-I am.

I'll talk slower.

I'm kidding. I love Cellblock D.

My friend George
is in Cellblock D.

-What are you in for, sir?
-Murder one.

Murder one.

Watch out, everybody.
Better be nice to you.

I'm only kidding, sir. Lighten up.

-How about you?
-Grand theft auto.

Grand theft auto.
Don't steal any of my jokes.

You suck. I'm gonna cut you.

I don't knock the license plate
out of your hand.

All right, Seinfeld,
that's it. Let's go. Come on.

All right.
Hey, you've been great.

See you in the cafeteria.