Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 9, Episode 21 - The Chronicle - full transcript

In the next to last episodes in the series, this two-parter highlights many of the funniest moments in the show's 9 year run. Included is George's problem with shrinkage; his wig; Jerry's girlfriend, Mulva; Elaine's odd dancing technique; Kramer's high powered shower head, the soup Nazi; Jerry's dentist; Jerry's puffy shirt. The list goes on.....

If we're gonna see this
movie we gotta get moving.

Let's roll.

Come on, people. Previews.

Schnell!.. Schnell!

Oh, hello.

Nine years.

Seems like a long time,
doesn't it? It is.

And we've packed a lot in,
the four of us.

It seems like every week
a whole new set of problems...

would just crop up out of nowhere.

Except for summer...

where nothing seemed to happen
for months at a time.

Anyway, the point is,
over the last nine years...

- We're gonna miss the movie!
- I'm coming!

- Previews, Jerry!
- Just go already!

Over the last nine years,
we've had a lot of experiences.

And I'll tell you, when you stop
and add them all up...

that's what you realize.
Watch this.

- Jerry!
- Shut up!

What is this?

Do you ever get the feeling like you
had a haircut, but you didn't have one?

I'm all itchy back here.

- What?
- What are we doing?

- What in God's name are we doing?
- What?

What... What kind of
lives are these?

We're like children. We're not men.

No, we're not. We're not men.

We're pathetic, you know that?

Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I thought
this was the baby's room.

I'm really sorry.

I was in the pool!

I was in the pool!

Since when do you smoke?

I've always smoked.

I've never seen you smoke.

Oh, yeah, well. Big smoker.

I gave it up for a while,
but it was too tough.

You know, I don't got the willpower.

I don't like this one bit.

Well, I can't stop now.

I'm addicted.
They got a hold on me.

Well, you are gonna have to quit.

Oh, God.

That's why I'm different.

I can sense the slightest
human suffering.

Are you sensing anything
right now?

Mrs. Enright!

Mrs. Enright!

Do you have a woman?

- No.
- Do you have any prospects?


You got anything on the horizon?


Do you have any conceivable reason
for even getting up in the morning?

I like to get the Daily News.

How come
I didn't get a Christmas card?

Everybody else got one.

Jerry got one. Kramer got one.
I thought we were good friends.

I don't get a Christmas card.
I don't get it.

Want a Christmas card?
Want a Christmas card?

All right, here.
Here's your Christmas card.

Every group has someone
that they all make fun of.

Like us, with Elaine.

You're bald!

No, I'm not.

I was bald.


- Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
- No!

No! No! No, Elaine!

I don't like this thing!

And here's what I'm doing with it!




- Elaine, you don't like the movie?
- I hate it!

Oh, go to hell!

- Are you a liar?
- Are you?

- Get your finger out of my face.
- I was here first.

- I don't care.
- Get it out.

Get it out.

Hey, hey, hey. All right.
Hey, hey. Come on. Stop it.

Come on. Break it up.

Hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

Now, don't you two see
that you're in love with each other?

Kramer goes to a fantasy camp.

His whole life is a fantasy camp.

People should plunk down $2000
to live like him for a week.

Do nothing.

Fall ass-backwards into money.
Mooch food off your neighbors...

and have sex without dating.
That's a fantasy camp.

Well, looks like
you've adjusted to the boxers.

Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

- You went back to the Jockeys?
- Wrong again.

Oh, no.

What? What?

Don't you see
what's going on here?

No boxers, no Jockeys.

The only thing between him and us
is a thin layer of gabardine.

I'm out there, Jerry,
and I'm loving every minute of it.

A facecloth for your...


Ladies and gentlemen, it's our
good friend, George Costanza.

What a surprise.

Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

I am not an anti-dentite.

You're a rabid anti-dentite.

Next thing, you're saying
they should have their own schools.

- They do have their own schools.
- Yeah!

What kind of a person are you?

I think I'm pretty much like you.

Only successful.

No! No!

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you
about Dr. Whatley.

I have a suspicion
that he's converted to Judaism...

purely for the jokes.

And this offends you
as a Jewish person?

No, it offends me as a comedian.

Would you be interested in
switching over...

- to TMI long distance service?
- Oh, gee, I can't talk right now.

Give me your home number
and I'll call you later.

Well, I'm sorry,
we're not allowed to do that.

I guess you don't want
people calling you at home.

- No.
- Well, now you know how I feel.

Hey, buddy.

I'm on no sleep. No sleep!
You don't know what it's like in there.

All night long, things are creaking
and cracking.

And that red light
is burning my brain.

- You look a little stressed.
- Oh, I'm stressed.

Jerry. Kill me.

Kill me now. I'm begging you.

Well, what, kind of like this?

What... What are you doing?




Elaine. What are you doing here?

Oh, my God.

What percentage of people
would you say are good-looking?

- 25 percent.
- 25 percent?

No way. It's, like, four to six percent.

It's a 20-to-1 shot.

- You're way off.
- Way off?

Have you been to the motor vehicle
bureau? It's a leper colony there.

So basically what you're saying is...

95 percent of the population
is undatable?


Then how are all these people
getting together?


What about you?
Did people make fun of your name?

Are you kidding?
What do you expect...

when your name rhymes
with a part of the female anatomy?

Oh, Jerry.

Oh, you.

Love is a spice with many tastes.

A dizzying array
of textures and moments.

All right, let's go.
I'll give you half an hour.

- What?
- Come on.

- Are you serious?
- Look, Jerry.

We have to have sex
to save the friendship.

Sex to save the friendship.

Well, if we have to, we have to.

What's going on?

It was a pleasure
doing business with you.

But I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to get going.

"Get going"?
But we haven't really, you know....

Eight dollars? Eight dollars?

What are you doing?
You're robbing me?

I wasted my whole morning
on you for $8?

- Wait a second, what are you doing?
- I'm taking your clothes.

No, no, no! That's my only suit!

It cost me $350.
I got it at Moe Ginsburg!

- Bye, George.
- Wait, you can't just leave me here.

Will I see you again?

You just tell him
that you're my boyfriend...

and that we're in love, okay?
Can you do that?

- Yeah, yeah. I'm your boyfriend. Yeah.
- Okay.

Have we been intimate?

Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.

All right, how often do we do it?

Kramer, how is that important?

Do you really think
he's gonna ask that?

Elaine, he's a psychiatrist.
They're interested in stuff like that.

All right, all right.
We do it five times a week.

- Okay?
- Oh, baby.

Oh, man.

So we're fooling around there,
you know.

It's getting a little passionate
and she starts with the dirty talking.

All right. All right.
Hold on. Time out.

- What did she say?
- Typical things.

What's typical? Give me typical.
Give me some typical.

She says....


What are you doing?

You know.

Pleasuring you.

It feels like aliens
poking at my body.

- So you think you're spongeworthy?
- Yes, I think I'm spongeworthy.

I think I'm very spongeworthy.

Run down your case for me again.

Well, we've gone out several times.

We obviously have a good rapport.

I eat well. I exercise.

Blood tests, immaculate.

- Do something about your sideburns?
- Yeah, I told you. I'm gonna.

- All right, let's go.
- Okay.

I might tell her that I love her.

Well, that's a big move,
Georgie boy.

Are you confident
in the "I love you" return?


Because if you don't
get that return...

that's a pretty big matzo ball
hanging out there.

Well, I just gotta say it once.

Everybody else gets to say it.
Why can't I say it?

What, you've never said it?

Once, to a dog.

He licked himself and left the room.

How is it that a man like you...

so bald and so quirky and funny...

how is it you're not taken?

Well, Marisa...

see, the thing is...

I'm sort of engaged.

I'm not married. I'm not allowed
to go out with somebody else?

- Depends.
- Depends on what?

- On many factors.
- Like what?

Well, how long
you've been seeing her.

What's your phone call frequency?

- Are you on a daily?
- No.

Four or five times a week.

Do you have to ask her out
or is the date implied?


She got anything
in your medicine cabinet?

Might be some moisturizer.

Let me ask you this.

Is there any Tampax in your house?


Well, I'll tell you what you got here.

- You got yourself a girlfriend.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, what are you thinking about,
Jerry? Marriage? Family?

- Well....
- They're prisons.

Man-made prisons.
You're doing time.

You get up in the morning,
she's there.

You go to sleep at night,
she's there.

It's like you gotta ask permission to...
To use the bathroom.

"Is it all right
if I use the bathroom now?"

- Really?
- Yeah.

And you can forget about
watching TV while you're eating.

Because it's dinnertime.

- And you know what you do at dinner?
- What?

You talk about your day.

"How was your day today?"

"Did you have a good day
or a bad day?"

"Well, what kind of day was it?"
"Well, I don't know, how about you?"

- I'm glad we had this talk.
- You have no idea.

Do I have to break up with her
in person?

Can't I do it over the phone?
I have no stomach for these things.

You should just do it like a Band-Aid.
One motion, right off.

What's the matter?


You're acting weird.
Is anything wrong?


Are you breaking up with me?

Are we going out?

You're breaking up with me,
aren't you?

- Do you want me to break up?
- If that's what you want.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Okay, fine. Break up with me.
- All right. We're broken up.

Can we still be friends?

Listen to this.
Marcy comes over and she tells me...

that her ex-boyfriend
was over late last night...

and, "yada, yada, yada,
I'm really tired today."

What do you think
she was tired from?

Well, obviously the yada, yada.

You don't think
she'd yada, yada sex?

I've yada, yada'd sex.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I met this lawyer,
we went out to dinner.

I had the lobster bisque.
We went back to my place.

Yada, yada, yada,
I never heard from him again.

But you yada, yada'd
over the best part.

No, I mentioned the bisque.

Allison spoke to me...

and she wanted me
to speak to you.

So Allison and I think that
the best thing to do is just...

make a clean break.

Can't we discuss this?

We just don't think you're ready
for a serious relationship.

I didn't even know
you wanted to get serious.

So, what am I in this for?

You know, I'm getting to a point
in my life...

where I need something more
than just...

a good time.

Kramer, please.

You didn't have make-up sex?
How could you not have make-up sex?

That's the best feature
of the heavy relationship.

I missed out on the make-up sex.

The only sex you're gonna have
better than make-up sex...

is if you're sent to prison
and you have a conjugal visit.

Yeah, conjugal visit sex.
That is happening.

David, I'm going to hell.

The worst place in the world.

With devils and those caves,
and the ragged clothing.

And the heat. My God, the heat.

I mean, what do you think
about all that?

It's gonna be rough.

You should be trying to save me.

Don't boss me.
This is why you're going to hell.

I am not going to hell.

And if you think I'm going to hell,
you should care that I'm going to hell.

Even though I am not.

You stole my Jesus fish, didn't you?

Yeah, that's right.

If she is allowed
to infiltrate this world...

then George Costanza
as you know him ceases to exist.

You see, right now,
I have relationship George.

But there is also
independent George.

That's the George you know.
The George you grew up with.

Movie George. Coffee shop George.
Liar George. Bawdy George.

- I love that George.
- Me too.

And he's dying, Jerry.

If relationship George
walks through this door...

he will kill independent George.

A George divided against itself
cannot stand!

Would you like some bread, Jerry?

No. No thanks, I'm just not hungry.

Then at least drink your beer.


You have a little something
on your face.

She had man hands.

- He's a re-gifter.
- She's a two-face.

She's got the jimmy legs.

- She's a virgin.
- He's poor.

She's got everything I've always
wanted in another human being.

Except for the walking.

She eats her peas one at a time.

She just took credit for my salad.

He's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo.

- She's one of these low talkers.
- He's a high talker.

- Bit of a close talker.
- She can't hear very well.

- She's bald?
- She's bald!

He's a bad breaker-upper.

She went out with Newman.

He's like a Svengali.

- She's too tan.
- She's too good.

She wasn't my type.

She just dislikes me so much.

It's irresistible.

How could I do this?

How can I move back in
with those people? Tell me.

They're insane. You know that.

Hey, my parents
are just as crazy as yours.

- I'm paying.
- Dad, I'm paying.

- Get out of here.
- You're not paying.

Now, Jerry, please
do not do this to your father.

I can't get it open.

Yay, Jerry got it open.

How can you compare your parents
to my parents?

I told everybody about it.
Everybody knows.

I stopped short.

It's Frank Costanza,
Mr. Steinbrenner's here...

George is dead, call me back.

Georgie, I'm a divorcée.

You're not a divorcée.
You're just separated.

You're a "separatée."

- Well, I'm out there, George.
- You're not out there.

- I am too.
- You're not out there.

You can't be, because I am out there.
And if I see you out there...

there's not enough voltage
in this world...

to electroshock me
back into coherence.

This is delicious, Mrs. Ross.

Let me understand.

You got the hen, the chicken
and the rooster.

The rooster goes with the chicken.

So who's having sex with the hen?

- We'll talk about it another time.
- But you see my point?

You only hear of a hen,
a rooster and a chicken.

- Something's missing.
- Something's missing, all right.

They're all chickens.

The rooster has sex with all of them.

That's perverse.

Hello, and welcome
to Movie Phone.

If you know the name of the movie
you'd like to see, press one.

Come on, come on.

Using your touch-tone keypad...

please enter the first three letters
of the movie title now.

You've selected Agent Zero.

If that's correct, press one.


You've selected Brown-Eyed Girl.

If this is correct, press one.

Why don't you just tell me
the name of the movie you selected?

That couple is breaking up.

They're breaking up?

- How do you know?
- She reads lips.

Oh, my God.

I... I just had a great idea.

She could come to the party tomorrow
and read Gwen's lips for me.


We bring her to the party...

and she tells me
what Gwen is saying about me.

She's not a novelty act, George...

that you hire out
for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Look, it's a skill, just like juggling.

She'll probably enjoy showing it off.

I don't know, George.

I'm not sure about this.

Would you ask her? Just ask her.

- If she says no, case closed.
- All right.

Laura, George was wondering...

Sure. I'll do it.

Hey, there.

One mulligatawny, and....

- What is that? Is that lima bean?
- Yes.

Never been a big fan.

You know what?
Has anyone ever told you....

you look exactly like Al Pacino?

You know, Scent of a Woman.

Very good. Very good.
You know something?

- No soup for you!
- What?

Come back, one year.

Kramer, I've been
reviewing your work.

Quite frankly, it stinks.

Well, I....

I've been having trouble
at home, and....

I mean, you know, I'll work harder.

Nights, weekends,
whatever it takes.

No. No, I don't think
that's going to do it.

These reports you handed in,
it's almost as if...

you have
no business training at all.

I don't know
what this is supposed to be.

Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.

Well, I'm sorry. There's just no way
that we could keep you on.

I don't even really work here.

That's what makes this so difficult.

I will never understand people.

They're the worst.

Why do they call it Ovaltine?

The mug is round.

The jar is round.

They should call it "Roundtine."

That's gold, Jerry. Gold.


Well, you ladies look lovely tonight.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Come on, Uncle Leo, I've seen
the way women look at you.

When's the last time you looked
in the mirror? You're an Adonis.

You're the only one I know
who's got the good stuff.

And I need it bad. I feel like
I've got bugs crawling up my skin.

- Now, you gotta help me out.
- Not on my watch!

I won't have you turning my office
into a den of iniquity.

- Get your fix somewhere else!
- Hey! Hey!

Go on, cretin!

Look at you, you're disgusting.

If a woman
can take your presence...

for more than 10 seconds, you
should hang onto her like grim death.

Which is not far off, by the way.

Tim, do you think you should be
making jokes like that?

Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?

- I know, but...
- Jerry.

It's our sense of humor that sustained
us as a people for 3000 years.

- Five thousand.
- Five thousand. Even better.


Crissy, give me a shtickl of flouride.

What do you think, I've never
ridden in a Cadillac before?

Believe me, I have ridden
in a Cadillac hundreds of times.


You put the balm on?
Who told you to put the balm on?

I didn't tell you to.
Why'd you put the balm on?

Where did you get
that balm, anyway?

- The Maestro.
- The who?


Tonight you in for a real treat.

I'm personally
gonna prepare the dinner...

for you and my Audrey.

Hey, Cedric, Bob.
This guy won't wear a ribbon.

Who? Who doesn't want
to wear the ribbon?

Hello, Jerry. May I come in?

Perhaps there's more to Newman
than meets the eye.

No, there's less.

Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Hello, Newman.



I've looked into his eyes.

He's pure evil.

All right. All right.

All right, you go ahead.
You go ahead, you keep it secret.

But you remember this.

When you control the mail,
you control information.

Oh, the humanity!

Believe it or not,
George isn't at home

Please leave a message
At the beep

I must be out,
Or I'd pick up the phone

Where could I be?

Believe it or not, I'm not home

It's funny, George.

You don't know how you're
feeling about something...

until a person like you comes along
and articulates it so perfectly.



- Live.
- Live?

- Live.
- Live?

- Live.
- Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

No. No. No. No. No.

Oh, yeah!

All right. All right. All right!

- George, Marla.
- Marla.

- George.
- Jerry, Stacy.

- Jerry.
- George, Stacy.

- Stacy.
- George.

- George.
- Jerry.

Marla. Stacy.

- Newman.
- Jerry.

- Elaine.
- George.

- Newman.
- Jerry.

- Kramer.
- Whatley.

- Newman.
- Jambalaya.

Are we finished?


- So you're still master of your domain?
- Yes. Yes, I am.

But I will tell you this.
I am going over to her apartment...

and I'm telling her
to put those shades down.

Wait, wait. What did you just say?

I can't take it anymore.
She's driving me crazy.

I can't sleep, I can't leave the house.
I'm climbing the walls.

I'm dating a virgin,
I'm in this contest.

Something's gotta give.

He took it out.

He what?

He took...

it out.

What are you doing to yourself?

I can't stop.

Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.

What? You can't keep this up.

Don't you know
what's gonna happen?

Every time you shave it, it's gonna
come in thicker and fuller and darker.

Oh, that's an old wives' tale.

Is it? Look at this.

- What...? What is that?
- Jerry, look at it!

Look at it!

Could it be because you
don't want him to know...

you have a friend
who pees in the shower?

- No, that's not it.
- Oh, I think it is.

- That's exactly what it is!
- Why couldn't you wait?

I was there! I saw a drain!

Since when is a drain a toilet?

It's all pipes! What's the difference?

Different pipes
go to different places.

I'll call a plumber right now!

Could we just drop
all the pee-pipe stuff here?


What is that?

I think it's the horse.

Oh, my God.

Hey, how's everything?
You need anything?

I can't... I can't take this.

We can't breathe back here.



So we're gonna make the post office
pay for my new stereo now?

It's a write-off for them.

- How is it a write-off?
- They just write it off.

Write it off what?

Jerry, all these big companies,
they write off everything.

You don't even know
what a write-off is.

- Do you?
- No, I don't.

But they do.

And they're the ones writing it off.

I like sports.
I could do something in sports.

In what capacity?

You know, like the general manager
of a baseball team.

Yeah, well,
that can be tough to get.

Well, it doesn't even have to be
the general manager.

Maybe I could be, like, an announcer.
Like a color man.

You know how I always make those
interesting comments during the game.

Yeah, you make good comments.

So, what about that?

Well, you know, they tend to
give those jobs to ex-ballplayers...

and people that are,
you know, in broadcasting.

- Well, that's really not fair.
- I know.

And I'll tell you another thing,
Cosmo Kramer.

The kissing thing is over.
There's no more kissing.

And I don't care
what the consequences are.

Kramer, what the hell is going...?

Jerry, come on, man.

- Are you in?
- What, are you kidding?

You see those ladies
I got showing?

You think they're scared?

Oh, man, you're killing me.

Oh, forget it.

Julia's still laughing.


There's no point in going.
Julia's laughing.

- No I'm not.
- Okay, can we go?

- No. She's laughing. Right now.
- Yes. Yes. We can go.

Go ahead, waste the film.
Waste everyone's time.

Okay, here we go. All right.

And action.



What are you doing here?

I don't know.

You telling me there's
not one condo available...

in all of Del Bofa...
Del... Del Boca Vista?

That's right.

In all of Del... Del... Del Vista...
Del... Del Boca Visto?

- In all of Del Besta Bicko?
- That's right.

In all of Del Visto Becko?

- Hey.
- You ought to come over.

Tonight's pipe night.

No, thanks.

Come on.

What happened to your face?

It looks like an old catcher's mitt.

It's... It's all that s...

Come on.

What did you expect?

- What?
- Your teeth are all brown.


Look away, I'm hideous.

See you.

- Okay, where's my boy?
- Oh, my God.

My George isn't clever enough
to hatch a scheme like this.

You got that right.

What the hell does that mean?

What the hell does that...?

Come on. Okay. Let's go, let's go.

That means whatever the hell
you want it to mean.

You're saying
you want a piece of me?

You saying you want a piece of me?

You saying you want a piece of me?

You want a piece of me?

You got it!