Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 13 - The Comeback - full transcript

George gets insulted by a co-worker named Reilly during a business meeting with the line "Hey George, the ocean called and they're running out of shrimp". He plans to get back at him with the "jerk store" remark, which all his friends try to change. Jerry buys a new tennis racket from Milos, a tennis pro-shop worker, because he thinks he is a great tennis player. Jerry finds out that Milos is a terrible tennis player and Milos offers Jerry his wife, Patty as some sort of "medieval sexual payola". Patty loses respect for Milos so Milos begs Jerry to let him win a game of tennis in front of Patty. Elaine is renting videos from "Vincent's Picks" and develops a secret phone relationship with him. She betrays him when she rents "Weekend at Bernie's", a "Gene Pick". Kramer asks Elaine to act as a witness to "pull the plug" if he ever goes into a coma because he watches "The Other Side of Darkness". He finds out that the woman coma victim wakes up and changes his mind after he signs the will. Vincent sends Elaine the play button of his VCR. George flies to Akron to try and zing Reilly with his "jerk store" remark. Elaine meets Vincent at his apartment with vodka, cigarettes, and fireworks and and finds out that he is 15 years old. Kramer goes to meet his lawyer, Shellback, and gets pummeled with tennis balls. George's "jerk store" remark flops, and he tells Reilly that he had sex with his wife. George then learns that Reilly's wife is in a coma.

Well, if the big man wants
a new scoreboard...

I don't wanna be the one
to tell him no.

No one in the park is gonna be able
to see it from there.

Well, why don't we just
put a monitor in the skybox?

Hey, George...

the ocean called.
They're running out of shrimp.

"The ocean called.
They're running out of shrimp."

You got your shrimp.

Oh, yes.
That's what I should have said.

Damn it!

"The ocean called,
they're running out of shrimp"?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but then I said to him:

"Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called,
and they're running out of you."

Really? That's great.
You said that to him?

Well, actually, I thought it up
on the way over here.

Oh, that's not quite the same.

No, no, it's not.

You don't know this guy.
It would have been so sweet.

- I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
- All right.

Hello. My name is Milos.
How can I help you?

I need a can of balls.

A can of balls for the nice guy.

You don't plan to hit these balls
with that racket, do you?

Checking out the staff picks,
Miss Benes?

Oh, hey.

This Vincent guy,
he is the best.

He and I have
the same taste in movies.

Well, Vincent is an art-house goon.

I stick to the Gene rack.

Gene? Oh, he's so stupid
and mainstream.

I've seen all of these,
so I went with the Kramer pick.

The Other Side of Darkness.
I never heard of that one.

Yeah, it went straight to video.

That makes me the premiere.

Jerry? Have you ever seen the movie
The Other Side of Darkness?

- No.
- It's about this woman in a coma.

Well, I couldn't finish watching it,
so I want you to read this.

"I, Cosmo Kramer...

having just seen the movie
The Other Side of Darkness...

and not wanting to be in a coma
like that lady in the movie...

hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to
remove my life support...

feeding machine, lung blower,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."

- Can you do that for me?
- I don't know if...

what you have here constitutes
a legally binding document.

Well, I'm gonna type it up.

Yes, of course, but even so,
you may wanna talk to a lawyer.

Yeah, well, Jackie Chiles,
he put a restraining order on me.

I'm not allowed within 200 feet
of his office.

I couldn't even give him
his Christmas present.

Oh, hey, new racket, huh?

Yeah, I wasn't gonna get it, but this
guy, Milos, who runs the pro shop...

he really recommended it.

In fact, it's the only racket
he plays with.

You're not gonna need
this anymore.

Hey, this is the Z page
of my address book.

Oh, yeah, I put all your Z's on
the weights-and-measures page.

Bravo, Vincent. Bravo.

- What?
- Did you enjoy the movie?

Who is this?

It's Vincent.

Of Vincent's picks?

The same.

He called you?

Must have got my number
off the computer.

We ended up talking
for like two hours.

To a guy you've never met?

Your screening process is getting
ever more rigorous.

I'm trying to meet him.
He's never at the video store.

They said he sets his own hours.

- Little help! Hey.
- Here.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, that guy is terrible.

Hey, how come we played at this
crummy place instead of your club?

George used up
all my guest passes already.

- Come on.
- Thank you.

Here you go.


Oh, hey. How you doing?

Okay. We should wrap it up here.

So he's bad. What do you care?

Elaine, I paid $200 for this racket...

because he said
it's the only one he plays with.

He could have played just as well
with a log.

Hey. All right, I talked to
this lawyer guy, Shellbach.

He's gonna set me up, but you gotta
come with me to be the executor.

The executor of what?

Kramer wants to die with dignity.

There's a feather in your cap.

I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine.
I just want out.

Sometimes in life,
the gods smile upon you, my friends.

Did you get someone to take
that Canadian quarter?

I got another meeting with Reilly...

a whole new audience, and I bet
I can get him to try that line again.

Who's Reilly?

George was scarfing shrimp
at this meeting, and this guy says:

"Hey, George, the ocean called.
They're running out of shrimp."

Listen to the comeback:

"Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called.
They're running out of you."

What? You gotta be kidding me.

How about this one? How about:

"Your cranium called.
It's got some space to rent."

- What does that mean?
- Hey, here you go:

"Hey, Reilly, the zoo called.
You're due back by 6."

No, no, no, you're not helping me.

Look, just tell him you had sex
with his wife. That'll get him.

I'm not looking for another line.
I got the line.

Look, George, just think about it,
you know?

You're married, how would you feel
if somebody says...

- they just had sex...
- You see?

This is why I hate writing
with a large group.

Everybody has their own opinions,
and it all gets homogenized...

and you lose the whole edge of it.

I'm going with "jerk store."
"Jerk store" is the line.

Jerk store. Yes.

Did you take this out of
the garbage?

It's still got spring in the strings.

Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk.

How are you gonna be
the executor of my living will?

You see, you can't let go.

Trust me, Kramer, given the
legal opportunity, I will kill you.

I wish I could believe you.

Hey, Elaine, do you have
some free time tomorrow afternoon?

- Me?
- Yeah, because you're perfect.

You're a calculating,
cold-hearted business woman.

When there's dirty work to be done,
you don't mind stomping on throats.

Oh, come on.

Situation number four:
You're breathing on your own...

you're conscious,
but with no muscular function.

Well, would I be able to

I don't see how.

I don't like the sound of this one.

Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh?

Yank it like you're starting a mower.

Moving on.

You have liver, kidneys
and gallbladder...

but no central nervous system.

Well, I gotta have
a central nervous system.

Okay. One lung, blind,
and you're eating through a tube.

No, that's not my style.


All right. You can eat,
but machines do everything else.

I'd stick.

Yeah, yeah, stick, because
I could still go to the coffee shop.

That's right.

- Hello, Milos.
- Jerry.

Thank God you got my message.

Thank you so much
for coming down here. Listen...

You know, I spent $200
on a racket...

I thought you knew
what you were talking about.

You can't even play.

Believe me,
it is Milos' great shame...

but, Jerry, I could lose my business
if anybody find out.

How would you like extra year
membership on the club?

- Free, no charge.
- You could do that?

Jerry, for you, anything.

Game, set and match, huh, Milos?

Jerry, I'm so sorry.

They tell me there is no way
they can do it.

Is there anything else I could
do for you? Anything at all?

I refund your money.

Milos, I don't even care
about the money.

I just feel like I was taken
by the worst tennis player...

I make it up to you.

Yeah, you make it up to me.

Tennis, anyone?

Oh, this is the one
Vincent told me about.

The Pain and the Yearning.

"An old woman experiences
pain and yearning."

A hundred and ninety-two minutes?

That's a lot of yearning, huh?

You know, these movies are great...

but they are just
so emotionally exhausting.

Well, what you need is some
summertime adolescent high jinks.

- Really?
- Let's see what Dr. Gene prescribes.

Oh, here. Weekend at Bernie's II.
Now, that's an hilarious premise.

- Well...
- Yeah, get it.

- Yeah, I could use a chuckle.
- Yeah.

- What are you getting?
- Nothing.

I'm gonna finish watching
The Other Side of Darkness.

- How much you got left?
- About two hours.

Yeah, she shot in that coma
pretty quick.

Bernie is dead, you morons.

Just because he's wearing
sunglasses, he looks alive?

How long is this weekend, anyway?

- Hello?
- How's the movie, Elaine?

- Vincent?
- A Gene pick.

How could you?
I thought we had something special.

No, it doesn't mean anything.

I'm not even gonna rewind it.


All right. Let's get to it.

Wait a minute.
What about Reilly?

Reilly doesn't work here anymore.

What? I didn't hear about that.

We only wake you up
for the important meetings.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Didn't I see you at
the pro shop yesterday?

I think so. I'm Patty.
Milos gave me your address.

I hope you don't mind me
waiting for you here.

Oh, that Milos.

Well, what should we do?
Care for a cup of coffee?

Why don't we just go up to
your apartment?

All right.

Gotta be an easier way.

Doctor, how's her coma?

Oh, exactly the same.

Wait a minute.

She's coming out of the coma.

Mrs. Albright, can you hear me?
Are you okay?

I feel so rested and refreshed.

Get me a toothbrush.

So you play tennis?

Enough talk, Jerry.

Not for me. I love chatting.

No, no, I can't do this.

I can't go through with this,
not even for him.

- Who?
- Milos, my husband.

Your husband?

And so concerned was he that word of
his poor tennis skills might leak out...

he chose to offer you his wife as
some sort of medieval sexual payola.

He's new around here.

So details.

Well, I didn't sleep with her.

Because of society, right?

Yes, George, because of society.

So how did the big meeting
turn out?

Reilly is no longer with the club.
Can you believe that?

You're better off.
Now you can just let it go.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna let it go.

You never had
the right comeback, anyway.

Are you insane?

"Jerk store" would have
smoked that guy.

Smoked him, I say.

Oh, Jerry, listen.

I saw the rest of that movie,
The Other Side of Darkness.

The coma lady wakes up at the end.

Oh, I wanted to see that.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.

I didn't know it was possible
to come out of a coma.

I didn't know it was possible
not to know that.

How was Eric Roberts
as the husband?

Oh, unforgettable.

I gotta find Elaine.
You know, she's gonna pull my plug.

What? "Betrayed"?

Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry.

Hey, hey, listen, Elaine, I changed
my mind about the whole coma thing.

Yeah, I decided I'm up for it.

Kramer, do you have any idea
what you've done?

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Vincent stopped making picks.

Well, how am I gonna know
what movies to see?

We have a wide variety
of Gene picks.

Gene's trash.

I'm Gene.


Milos, I can assure you,
I had no intention of telling anyone...

about your unbelievably bad
tennis playing.

Thank you, but unfortunately,
I have much larger problems to fry.

My wife, she has no respect
for Milos anymore.

I guess that's a risk you run
when you dabble in the flesh trade.

Patty, she... She loves tennis
as much like I do.

Would you...? Will you let me
beat you in tennis?

That is the only way I can show her
that I'm still a man.

I'll do it as long as
there's no other girls around.

I mean, I wanna be a man too.

So you hurt Vincent's feelings?

Look what came in the mail today.

What's this?

It's the play button off his VCR.

Boy, look how far back it goes.
It's like a tooth.

So guess where
Mr. Ocean Phone turned up.

He's working for Firestone
in Akron, Ohio.

- Ohio?
- Yup.

I'm leaving first thing
tomorrow morning.

You're flying to Akron
just to zing a guy?

Don't you understand?
It's not about him.

To have a line as perfect as
"jerk store" and to never use it.

I couldn't live with myself.

See, there are no jerk stores.

It's just a little confusing, is all.

It's smart. It's a smart line,
and a smart crowd will appreciate it.

And I'm not gonna dumb it down
for some bonehead mass audience.

Not you.

Oh, these brittle bones.

How I long to be rid of the pain.

- Hello.
- Elaine, it's Vincent.

Vincent. Where are you?
I have to meet you.

No, I can't bear to have
anyone see me.

Vincent, listen, I won't judge you
the way everyone else does.

You're strange and beautiful
and sensitive.

- Now, let's have a look at you.
- All right.

But can you bring me a few things
from the store?

I haven't been out in a while.

Well, go around,
you bunch of crazies.

Maniacs are gonna get us all killed.

Hi, can I help you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm Cosmo Kramer.

Yeah, I had an appointment
to annul my living will.

Oh, Mr. Kramer, you had
a 10:30 appointment. It's 2:00.

Mr. Shellbach had a tennis lesson.
He's gone for the day.

- Too good.
- Another game for Milos!

You're on fire today.

Hey, Patty, look at this guy.
He's awful.

He's not a man, this Jerry.

He's not even married like I am.

Hey, Milos, I don't mind
rolling over here...

but could you lighten up
on the "not a man" stuff?

Hey, everybody, look. The little
chicken girl wants me to ease up.

He can't handle this.
He cries like a woman.

Hello? Vincent?


I got what you asked.

Just leave it and go.

Well, can I come in?

No, go away, now.

No, no, Vincent, I....
Oh, don't shut me out.

I just... I know you feel what I feel.

- Excuse me, can I help you?
- Oh, damn it.

- I'm here to see Vincent.
- Well, I'm his mother.

- Vincent, what's going on here?
- No, my acne!


What do you have here?

Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks.

What kind of a sick woman
brings this to a 15-year-old?

We have the same taste in movies.

Did he send you part of our VCR?


Look at the big baby.

Hey, big baby,
are you wetting yourself?

Maybe it is time for you
to be changed.

I told you to cut it out.

Come on, what are you doing?

The baby got lucky on that one.

Shellbach. Hey.


So, George, you're proposing
a Snow Tire Day at Yankee Stadium?

As long as they don't
throw them on the field.

Help yourself to some shrimp.
I brought enough for everybody.

I have to say, this...

This proposal doesn't make
a whole lot of sense.

Well, you never know.

Let's see how many
I can fit in my mouth.

You know, George...

the ocean called.
They're running out of shrimp.

Oh, yeah, Reilly?

Well, the jerk store called.
They're running out of you.

What's the difference?
You're their all-time bestseller.

Yeah? Well, I had sex
with your wife.

His wife's in a coma.

Hi. How's he doing?

He's been sleeping a lot.
He's still groggy.

I thought a movie
might cheer him up.

- I got him a Gene pick.
- What happened to Vincent?

I'm kind of off of him.


"My wife's in a coma."

Yeah? Well, the life-support machine
called and.... Stupid.

Wait. Yes.
That's what I should have said.

You're meat, Reilly!
You just screwed yourself!