Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 8, Episode 12 - The Money - full transcript

Jerry buys his parents a Cadillac. His parents sell it to Jack Clompus for 6000 dollars and try and give the money to Jerry. Elaine has stock options at Peterman's and buys George coffee. George feels that she is "sticking" it to him. George tries to convince his parents to stay in Queens because he wants their money. They then decide to buy expensive things and move to Florida. Kramer's girlfriend has the "jimmy legs" and they sleep in the Costanza's apartment when they go to Florida. Jerry buys back the Cadillac from Clompus for 14000 dollars. Clompus crashes it along Alligator Alley. Jerry has to sleep in the Cadillac because he has no money. Elaine hires Morty Seinfeld because he thinks he needs to support Jerry. Peterman returns and dismisses Elaine from her position with no stock options. The Seinfeld's sell their condo and attach a camper to their Cadillac.

- Well, that was all right, huh?
- Yeah.


- good night.
- Yeah, good night.

Jerry, we can only stay four days.

Well, I'm upset,
but we'll make the most of it.

Helen, did you pack my travel gym?

Yes. Oh, your father bought
an exercise device off television.

He does it every morning at 4.

Only 25 minutes a day, and you can
attach it to any doorknob.

So I guess your travel miles
are about to expire?

Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted
to talk to you about something.

Am I finally getting a baby brother?

Jerry, be serious.

How would you feel
if we sold the Cadillac?

What? The Cadillac
I bought for you?

It's too much car, Jerry.

Oh, come on. You love that car.
What about the Northstar system?

I don't think we even use it.

Well, it's a gift,
and I want you to keep it.

We already sold it.

Why didn't you tell me
before you sold it?

We had a buyer, and we couldn't
get a free flight until now.

We could but we wanted
the bulkhead.

Oh, my God.

Man, that Emily is wearing me out.

- Kramer....
- No, no, no, it's not the sex, Jerry.

Hey, Seinfelds.

- Hi, Kramer.
- Hi, Kramer.

- We're in the middle of a discussion.
- Yeah? What about?

Jerry's upset.
We sold the Cadillac.

- What did you get for it?
- Jack Klompus gave us 6 grand.

You sold my Cadillac
to Jack Klompus?

We want you to have the money.

- I don't need money.
- What are you talking about?

You had a check bounce
at the bodega.

Is that what this is all about? I bounce
a check and you sold a Cadillac?

Well, also, Jerry, we read
an article in the Sun-Sentinel.

It says that standup comedy
is not what it used to be...

what with Def Jam and all.

Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.

Jerry, you know,
I hear wonderful things...

about Bloomingdale's
executive training program.

Oh, my God.

You've given this comedy thing
your best shot.

Yeah, you had some
good observations, but it's over.

Now, this Bloomingdale thing:

That could be the next wave.

Excuse me. A pound
of Arabian Mocha Java, please.

So you understand how my Peterman
stock options are gonna work?

I'm going to the bathroom.

It's just very interesting.

Yeah, when it's your money
it's fascinating.

Arabian Mocha Java.

Oh, I got it.

That Arabian is strong coffee.

It's PLO blend.

Oh, I got your coffee.

- Oh, here, let me...
- No, it's on me.

Oh, man. Okay, listen, guys,
I'm gonna be late. I'll see you, okay?

- Yeah.
- Bye.

- You see what just happened here?
- What?

She treated me
to the Arabian Mocha Java.

And you misinterpret this how?

She's sticking it to me that
she makes more money.

I'm sure she was just being nice
buying you the coffee.

Not nice. Sticking it to me.

- You're crazy.
- Sticking it to me.

- George.
- Sticking it!

So you're buying the car
back for your parents?

- I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.
- Your parents will never let you do it.

They lie to me about selling the car,
I'll lie to them about buying it back.

They think they can dump
6 grand on me? Think again.

What kind of money
you think your parents have?

- Excuse me?
- Bet they have more money than mine.

- Come on. Your parents have money.
- You think?

- When do they ever spend money?
- Never.

- What are their expenses?
- Nothing.

- Where do they go on vacation?
- Nowhere.

- How much do you think they have?
- Few hundred grand?

You're saying I stand to inherit
$300,000? Is that what you're saying?

- You may not see it for 20 years.
- Twenty years? That long?

Your father eat
bacon and eggs every day?

Unfortunately, yes.

How's your family history?

- I have an aunt that died at 7.
- Really?

Aunt Baby.

- Elaine, you got a moment?
- Yeah, Kramer, come on in.

I need to speak to you
about some lady problems.


You know, after I have sex with Emily,
I don't want her in the bed anymore.

Yeah, because she's
throwing off my whole sleep.

- She's got the Jimmy legs.
- Jimmy legs?

Jimmy leg.

So.... Well, maybe I should
just be honest with her, huh?

Tell her after sex
you just want her out of there?

Well, I'd say it nicely.

I don't think so.

Well, you know,
I really like this girl.

I think if I could
work out this one thing...

Yeah, I gotta be
honest with you, Kramer.

You might be more than
just a couple of tweaks away...

from a healthy relationship.

Well, you're not exactly
zeroing in yourself, lady.

All right, get out.

Get out!

So listen, I've gotta go down to
Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's.

You just heard about this today?

They had a cancellation,
and they instantly called me.

- Who cancelled?
- Carrot Top.

I told you: My career is fine.

I've been thinking about the family.

Tell me about Aunt Baby.

She's deceased.


Why did she die so young?

She had problems.


Is that common in our family?

Well, your Uncle Moe,
he died a young man.

Also internal problems.

It's that temper on your side.

They're yelling and yelling and then
one day, they're all gone.

What about your side?
Your cousin Henny.

She was sickly
from the moment I met her.

Don't you talk about Henny!

So I guess you two
are the lucky ones.

So far.

Frank, if Aunt Baby were alive today,
how old would she be?

She'd never make it.

So let me get this straight.
You enjoy the lovemaking...

- Well, do you?
- Oh, yeah. Like strawberry pie.

Okay. But you have a problem
sharing a bed with me.

I know it's not what the ladies like...

but without some solid sack time,
I'm a zombie.

- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, man.

Meet me halfway.

- You're not easy, Kramer.
- I know.

So to what do I owe the pleasure
of this unannounced visit?

I wanna buy back the Cadillac.

You wanna buy it back? Why?

You got drugs hidden in the trunk?

- I'm kidding.
- All right. I'll give you 9000 for it.

Nine thousand for a Cadillac?
It's got no miles on it.

- You bought it for six.
- You're not me.

- How much do you want for it?
- The Kelley Blue Book value: $22,000.

Fourteen thousand.

Done. But I get
to drive it tomorrow...

because Doris
wants to go to Naples.

You need a pen?

Still works.

Hey, where's Jerry?

He's performing at Bally's
in Atlantic City.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I need his shoeshine kit.

He always hides it from me.

Yeah, Bally's?
Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld's room, please.

You know that number?

I used to have a problem.

What do you mean,
he's not registered?

- Well, S-E-I-N-V...
- F. F-E-L-D.


Well, I think you're wrong.

All right, you have a lucky day too.

- He's not there?
- No, they never heard of him.

This is so nice of you to take us
all out to dinner, George.

Well, as much as I enjoy
all the good-natured ribbing...

nothing really
makes me happier...

than spending money
on the people I care about.

- Where's Jerry?
- Oh, he'll be here.

By the way, Elaine, thank you...

for laying out
for the Arabian Mocha Java.

George, you didn't have to do this.

I'm president of a big company.
I can afford to buy you coffee.

- President?
- Yeah.

- Hey, look, he's back. Hey.
- Hey.

I got your message so I came
straight from Atlantic City.

Kramer called Bally's.
You weren't registered.

Well, I can't stay
under my own name.

I was registered
under "Slappy White."

Mom. Dad.

Well, look who's here.
Hello, Seinfelds.

- What are you doing here?
- We're having an upscale dinner.

- What?
- Well, after talking to you...

we realized we may not
have much time left.

So we're blowing it all.

Look, George, it's a Pierre Cardin.

- That was all right.
- Yeah.

Well, I'll see you.

- Hello.
- Jerry.

I had a little mishap with the car.

I'm down here in Alligator Alley.

- You better get down here.
- All right.

Who was that?

That was the Golden Nugget...

also in Atlantic City.

They heard such good things
about my show at Bally's...

they want me for tonight.

So I'll have to repack and go.

That didn't sound
like the Golden Nugget.

I'm worried. What happens
if we have to support Jerry?

- I'll have to go back to work.
- Where would you work?

Maybe I should talk to Elaine.

Well, Mr. Seinfeld, I'm not sure
I understand why you want a job here.

What's not to understand?

Well, for one thing,
you live in Florida.

I'm very comfortable
working out of the house.

I have a phone.
We have a Kinko's nearby.

You know, I think
that my r?sum? speaks for itself.

- Where is your r?sum??
- I don't have it. I'll mail you one.

All right, Mr. Seinfeld...

what kind of a position
did you have in mind?

- You sell clothes, don't you?
- Yeah.

Well, I sold raincoats
in the garment center for 38 years.

- In 1949...
- All right. All right. All right.

You come in tomorrow.
We'll find something for you to do.

You won't regret this, Ms. Benes.

What time should I be in?
I get up at 4.

I could be here as early as 4:25.

Oh, Elaine...

this dry air is curing me
like a Black Forest ham.

Mr. Peterman? You're back.

Who's Mr. Fancy?

I was thinking maybe
I should spend the night.

Oh, that's sweet, but actually, I....

I think I'd prefer it if you left.

- What?
- You were completely right.

I sleep so much better
when I'm alone.

- And you scream in your sleep.
- I do?

There was a man. He was trying
to get into my apartment last night.

He was jiggling the doorknob
for 25 minutes.

- Come on. It was probably the wind.
- No, no.

No, it was a fearless cat burglar.

Now, listen, you gotta
let me sleep here.

I'll stay over here on my side,
and I'll stuff a sock in my mouth.

Because I don't wanna sleep alone.

Well, I do.

What took you so long?

I live in New York.

What the hell happened?

This thing is a behemoth.

What did you do?

I was making a simple lane change.

I put on the blinker,
and it took off on me.

And the next thing you know,
I was submerged.

I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky
that those crocs didn't get me.

You are such an idiot.

Well, we got to get the car
cleaned up for my parents.

Do whatever you want. It's your car.

My car? You drove it
into the swamp.

It drove itself into the swamp.

Besides, I think I lost my pen too.

You know, that almost
makes this all worthwhile.

Why is there a Cadillac parked
in front of the house?

That's your mother's new car.

You bought that?

It's a coupe de elegance.

Your father wanted a Mercedes...

but I won't ride in a German car.


Oh, boy.

What the hell is going on here?

I had some trouble at my place.

So I need a little company
at night to sleep.

George, your mother and I
and Kramer have been talking.

- Oh, God.
- George...

your parents can't blow
their savings in this community.

It's low-rent. We feel that Florida is
really the place where they should be.

You can drop a grand
in Disney World like that.

Wait a minute. You're moving
to Florida again?

Well, it's either that
or we stay here near you...

and just sit on the money.

What do you think
we should do, Georgie?

So effective immediately, Ms. Benes
will return to her old position...

at her original salary and I,
of course, will return to mine.

Kudos, Elaine, on a job...


What about my stock options?

I think not.

Now down to business.
I have had this vision...

of a diaphanous rumrunner scarf.

Well, we could fly some fabric in
from our silk factories...

- for about $1000 dollars a bolt.
- A thousand?

I know a couple of Chinamen
over on 43rd Street...

- that will do it for half that.
- It's, Asian Americans.


Who are you?

- Don't worry...
- Morty Seinfeld.

I cut velvet for 40 years
with Harry Alper.

Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, this is not...

Elaine, did you hire this man?

No, no... Well, I mean, he's more
like an intern, you know, at best.

So if your parents move to Florida,
you're poor.

- But happy.
- Obviously.

And if they stay, you're rich, but....


It's quite a dilemma.

You know, I have
a bit of a dilemma of my own.

No, no, no.

We're staying on me.
We haven't solved anything yet.

All right. This is easy.
Just let them go. So now, listen...

What do you mean?
They're spending all my money.

All right. Then they stay.
Let me ask you a ques...

Could you put
a little thought into this?

Jerry's gone. You could humor me.
He humors me.

Speaking of Jerry...

his father is driving me
so crazy down at Peterman's.

Know what I do when one of these
guys is breathing down my neck?

- What?
- You schedule a late meeting.

- What does that do?
- Old guys are up at 4 a.m.

By 2:30, they're wiped...
How did we get back on to you?

I gotta go.

You know I got nothing out of this.

- Hey, Frank.
- Yeah.

You got two beds in here.

That's right. That's me on the left.

So you sleep in separate beds.

Thirty years ago
we came to an agreement.

The only way
I could get some rest.


Estelle has got the jimmy arms.

You can get that in your arms?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Jerry, it's getting late.

You cleaned up the car.

You made all your phone calls.

Why are you still here?

Well, I maxed out my credit cards.

And I don't have enough cash
for a hotel room.

- So....
- You are thinking of staying here?

- Well....
- You've got some nerve.

I almost break my neck
in that deathtrap of yours...

and now you ask me for a favor?

Didn't like that crack
about the pen?

I did not.

Well, I've given this
a lot of thought...

and I've gotta say...

As much as I'd like to see
the two of you living it up...

in a warm, tropical setting...

I would just miss you too much.

So I've decided...

I want you to stay.

It's too late.

We bought a condo
at Del Boca Vista.

We're leaving tonight.

You said it was my call.

We were just being nice.

Cosmo, are you sure you're
gonna be all right here alone?

Oh, yeah, I got Emily
coming over tonight.

You're letting him
have a woman over?

He's not family.
It's different psychologically.

And so I made an explosive
out of chickpeas.

And I stopped that great rhino
right in his tracks.

- It's getting late. Why don't we...
- Mr. Peterman...

that can't have been the only time
that you faced mortal danger.

Funny you should ask, Elaine.

If we're gonna stay
till all hours of the night...

can't we at least
get some food here?

It's only 5:15.

So later on that same day...

I developed a great hankering
for some wild honey.

Okay, I'm done.

I'll be back in the morning when
he's close to finished with this story.


My stories
are what sell these clothes.

Cheap fabric and dim lighting:

That's how you move merchandise.


You're out.

I never knew what I was
peddling with those stupid cartoons...

and that paper book anyway.

I don't know why I let you talk me
into that corned beef at Snitzers.

- No one held a gun to your head.
- Yeah.

Don't forget: We're eating
at the Fidermans' tomorrow.

Why do I have to go?
They're your friends.

- You like them.
- I've had it with them.

Then we won't go.

Okay, okay. What time?


That was all right.

"One bright note in today's market
was the stock of retailer J. Peterman...

whose founder's surprise return
generated a rise...

of 12 and a half points."

That means if you still had
those stock options....


That's a shame.

What are you, sticking it to me?

- What?
- I think you're sticking it to me.

I'm sure George
is just being sympathetic.

Sticking it!

You're not alone.
I'm practically broke.

- Really?
- No.


I did blow over 20,000
on that Cadillac.


- You seem happy.
- Hey, the folks are 1200 miles away.

I'm basking in the buffer zone.

Another piece of pie here.

So were your parents shocked
to see the Cadillac?

Actually, I haven't heard
from them yet.

When are we gonna tell Jerry?

I don't wanna worry him.

We'll tell him next time we go up.

He thought he could buy back
that Cadillac for us?

He's not getting away with that.

Besides, that condo
was too much house.

How many times
can you check the car?

I saw a bum sleeping
in the Cadillac the other day.

Why would someone
break into a car to take a nap?

They don't nap.
They make it their home.

They urinate in there.

You're driving me crazy.

That's it. We're going back
to Queens. Where's my hat?